Attempted Stability...And Then, There Was Christ.

This may not last long, but there's a moment presently afforded to peace.

Everything is so strange, right now. Completely in suspension.

Striving unto holiness, striving unto Christ is the most blessed and demanding pursuit. Many difficulties. Many. Yet, the things which have been the most difficult have driven me further to rely upon Him. There's no alternative, in those moments of abject pain and uncertainty. Nothing within me, of my own will or ability, is capable of weathering such storms.

Prior to coming to know Christ, efforts would hold up for a while, but under continued stress (which was constant) and recurrent trauma (which was regular)...constant unraveling would occur. Continual breakdown. Perpetual uncertainty.

Such a distorted path to travel--always conceiving everything and anything possible, given enough motivation and effort, while continually falling apart under the strain of unrelenting chaos and destruction.



With everything that's happened this past year, I'd have collapsed and fallen apart continually except that He's holding me up and holding me together. Even now.

And it's not as it was, before Him, at all. Before coming to know Christ, there was no rest in the midst of adversity. In the midst of difficulty, there was strain. Any peace yielded by mediation or attempted distraction was still fraught with tension of its own sort--there was always a fearful knowing that circumstances were held together by a thread. Whether that awareness tended toward a reckless disregard or anxious attempt to weave a more secure situation, either way there was a sense of pervasive desperation. Unto change. Unto progress. Unto improvement. Unto stability--whether external or internal.

The nearest equivalent to security only came by way of self-regard. Given that circumstances were constantly changing (and even when they weren't, they were sure to shortly in some capacity), stability of a sort was perceived in knowing that change was a constant. That wasn't sufficient to quell the desperation, though. Not even attempt to relish the change was sufficient, for me--merely, that led to further and further lack of constancy and dependability.

Attempt to look to self, build up self, take solace in self...amounted to much of nothing, too. The logic went along lines of...regardless what goes on around me, it can't truly touch the inexplicable me-ness which is within--there was a "core self" which was believed completely separate from and unhindered by circumstances. Building up that self, then, became the "point of progress"--assuming that security found in self was unassailable.

That proved false, though. Circumstances could and did effect change, in me. Circumstances continually overwhelmed or reinforced that nebulous sense of self. And, so, that security and stability found in self was only ever as unwavering as circumstances made manifest.

With Christ, though, He is the rock. There's no need to plan through things, there's no need to be overwhelmed, there's no time to be entirely despondent: Prayer continues, and a way becomes plain.

So, even as I fail, I fall, I fall apart...I find myself falling into and upon Him, rather than into a bleak nothingness. So, stress evaporates. Grief is comforted. And despair is transformed into humbled trust.

And it's certainly not by my will or intent, but by His. If it had been up to me entirely, this past year, to weather through each and every that's happened...I would not only have grieved and fallen apart, but would have remained incapacitated in grief and despair.

The difference isn't that I don't grieve. The difference isn't that I don't have difficulties, in the midst of circumstances which completely overwhelm. The difference isn't that I no longer attempt to rationalize my way through things, creating knots of anxiety. The difference isn't even that there's no longer fear.

The difference is that I trust in Him, having seen how wonderful He is, and how precious...having experienced some small measure of His love--deep and incomprehensibly vast, beyond measure. The difference is in having spent time with Him, through prayer, study, and fellowship with the Spirit. The difference is in having cultivated the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, by grace, through faith, as to live in His presence always.

...the difference is that, when I do fall apart, I fall into Him. And He is the strength which holds me together, anew.

And when I do grieve, I grieve unto Him. And His presence comforts beyond that which any words or affection ever had even approached.

And when I do fear or become anxious, I look to Him, cling to Him, and draw near to Him. When I fear, I trust in Him, and His love, grace, and mercy are sufficient to abate and to carry me through.

That's been the difference.

Just Jesus.
I wouldn't be here, except for Him.

Truly, none of us would be. But it's a blessing, such a blessing, to see Him and know Him as Creator, Lord, Master, Father...Friend.

There is nothing else.

So, as to all the concern over figuring out doctrinal distinctives and theological consistencies...yeah, Christ is all. So long as He is there, in spirit and truth...He will lead the way. Into all truth.

Fear and love go hand in hand, on that account. To know Him is to fear Him. To know Him is to love Him. He is holy. He is holy beyond comprehension. And He is pure. And His wrath is given to sin, to rebellion, to disobedience. Because He is worthy of obedience, love, and honor. And His love is supreme.

A clearer view of Him is what's necessary, always.
In accord with Scripture, yes, just...a clearer view, a deeper experience of His person and His love.

The Lord bless you and keep you.