The Lord is so good.
I've struggled so much. Continually comes a point where prior-persistent delusions regarding religion and reality and society are further disbanded, considering faith a reality and pervasive is easy. Trusting Him in the middle of circumstances which make no sense, in the midst of disillusionment regarding many, many things...goes against everything of the flesh.
Much prayer has been necessary, and I've continually been so terrible as to doubt. He bears with me, though. With a patience that absolutely exceeds comprehension and which completely humbles my own feeble attempts at patience. He has been so good, through this. And He has been so good, to allow an opportunity to trust Him in such a way.
Though I lose my very life, I will praise Him, for He is worthy: Being able to more clearly perceive the reality of that is a blessing.
So much difficulty has still revolved around the continued desire to be able to delineate everything according to a definitive system of classification, according to an unwavering course of methodology for approaching Him and understanding Him and proscribing application of His truths.
I'm not free from legalism, in other words. There's a vast desire to classify and define, rather than always bowing to Him, always deferring to His will, seeking Him foremost.
The law makes sin plain, is all. It doesn't enable us to overcome sin. It only evidences sin. It's not a prescription for becoming sinless. So, wanting to proceed in ways which allow for a "relative sinlessness" will only be possible in Christ. The law is bondage. Christ is freedom.
Merely, the flesh-nature only knows its own ways, so yet needs to be put entirely to death. More and more, daily.
There's such desire to be sanctified by my own efforts, is the problem: desire to be self-sufficient--even in "achieving sanctification"--has yet to completely be overcome. Yet it must be. But, not by might nor by power is that possible. Only by the Spirit of God.
This, regardless of what else passes. Because things will continue to change and manifest, of circumstances: So much has been going on, even in relative lack of apparent motion. There is such a battle raging, right now. A battle for souls. It is the Lord's battle, not mine, yet I am His and will do as He wills, in continuing. Regardless what goes on. Regardless what else comes. I will continue to serve Him, because there is nothing else.
Nothing.
And that is the most wonderful realization which has ever come. Truly. So, I will serve Him. I will continue to seek Him, regardless whether those with whom I interact understand. Regardless what certain misunderstandings may arise, as people who do not know the Lord can only misunderstand His ways and edicts. Regardless. He is all, in all.
And I will not walk away. Because He keeps me.
I am not capable of maintaining, is (paradoxically) the hitching point. I'm wholly incapable. Blessedly, He doesn't rely upon my consistency or faithfulness or ability, in keeping me--even as my awareness of my own incapacity does somehow actually help, apparently: He is with those who are humble and of contrite spirit. That is the most glorious thing to know, serving Him.
It doesn't matter that I'm incapable. It doesn't matter that I have nothing to give, except brokenness and insufficiency--frailty and inconsistency. It doesn't matter, and is actually good. For He will do as He wills, regardless of who any of us are and how any of us are. Even as faith in Him and any understanding of who and how He is entirely entails a broadening awareness of how wholly transcendent He is, and how far superior...to such extent as negates anything we might conceive as our strengths, regardless. Making the weakest the best situated, for being more apt to recognize and accept God's majesty, releasing self-sufficiency and pride out-of-hand as absurd concepts in comparison to God's glory.
Even as with Gideon, who has so often been brought to remembrance over the past few months.
Gideon apparently came from the weakest tribe. And the weakest family in the weakest tribe. He was perhaps the weakest member of the weakest family in the weakest tribe in the nation of Israel (from what I hear). Yet, the Lord called him a "mighty man of valour (KJV)."
Regardless how weak, cowardly, incapable, and utterly lost was Gideon, the Lord called him mighty, a man of valour.
The most recent mention of Gideon elaborated on that point, as God was not speaking of Gideon according to Gideon's inherent strengths and abilities and characteristics, but according to the Lord's will for and through him. Because...really...Gideon--in his own strength, according to his own means--was incapable.
But the Lord wasn't concerned with Gideon's might. Gideon was going to accomplish all the Lord sent Him to do...because the Lord sent him. Not because of who he was, nor because of inherent ability or overt worth or acquired strength.
He overcame because the Lord sent him.
It was never the person. Never.
It never has been.
Never will be.
Any "latent ability" which a person might consider pridefully as a winning attribute in their life is only present to the extent which the Lord willed it to be. His grace is so extensive, that way.
Yet, still, we continually take pride in ourselves, believing we succeed...believing we are capable. Believing ourselves able to do anything, really--realistically, though, except the Lord gave/gives air and the energy to operate, and the body as to do so, we couldn't even breathe. We can't think, we can't eat, we can't do anything, except by His grace.
And somehow, still, there's pride. Pride--Satan's disease...the one which ever begat departure from God and godliness...infects us all.
So, maybe it's better to be a failure, in ways. Maybe it's easier to come to the Lord in humility, having come to a point of realizing that all one's best efforts can amount to nothing, apart from Him. Except the Lord build it, those who build a house labor in vain.
It has been so much a concern, since having listened to much from brother Paul Washer, as to whether salvation is possible if pride is predominant. And I have been so caught up on whether it's possible to be saved, and yet to have no apparent derision for sin in oneself...unto humility and contrition, unto increasingly manifest fruits of the Spirit. That has been such a concern.
I've listened to the word bro. Washer brings, regarding "Decisionism," in terms of it deviating from the Word. I've been contemplating, for months, what he says about "the sinner's prayer." And I'm no closer to clarity, now, than when I started.
I've tried, time and again, to go forth according to Scripture, as to make a case for the utmost requirement of alternate, specific procedures of approaching the Lord, as to acquire salvation. I've tried to conceive of means of incontrovertibly assessing whether someone is regenerate, according to Scripture, in a sense along lines of what some of bro. Washer's message entails.
But it's not possible.
The Lord continually catches me and unknots me, because that course assuredly results in knots of anxiety wound out along a line of legalistic determination.
Only God truly understands regeneration. It's a supernatural work. Just as are predestination and justification. We can exegete doctrine which seems wholly inclusive and valid according to Scripture, but it's far too easy to take for granted that God is yet sovereign over even doctrine: He will do as He wills, according to His nature, and His ways are far higher than ours. Some things are unknowable.
And it had ought be that way, as we recognize He is God, transcendent. And we are not like Him. He is not like us.
He can be known to the extent which He gives and Has given. But we cannot wholly know the infinite and inexplicable...which He is. It is not possible.
So, I am vastly grateful to the Lord for bro. Washer's ministry and message, but it's not for me to comprehend the message in ways which allow for application (aside of prayer) beyond myself. The desire and tendency otherwise has been entirely detrimental to my walk with the Lord, as being entirely legalistic.
There's such a fine line to walk, in terms of continuing with the Lord.
The world and everything in it wants definitive elaboration in ways which are reproducible and comprehensible: the world wants everything in terms it understands, so as to maintain a life which makes sense according to its own ability to define and attain success.
The flesh wants the same. It wants things which make sense. It wants things which can be incontrovertibly proven. It wants to be able to justify itself on the basis of understanding and accomplishing a lifestyle which is fully delineated as methodologically defined.
Rather than to have faith. Rather than to always look primarily to Christ. Rather than to look to the Word for edification, and to Christ for direction. We do need so much instruction, and the Scripture is certainly given for that as well as many things, but it's not exclusively about attaining instruction, so much as about discerning and encouraging fellowship with the Lord--unto obedience and holiness. He is all which transforms us. He is all which provides sustenance. He is all which takes us to where we need to be, rather than merely prescribing a series of steps.
We want a series of steps, though.
...but He's not like that.
And I've been so very caught up in wanting it to be that way.
Even in desiring sanctification, according to definitive understanding rather than responsive obedience.
It's not about sanctification for the sake of a sense of achievement, though. Nor about holiness for the sake of fulfilling Scriptural edicts. No. Not at all.
Sanctification is about a closer walk with Christ. About pleasing God. Desiring Him. Desiring to be nearer to Him, moreover. That is what sanctification is about.
Consider the initial series in Eden. The Lord walked with them. He walked and talked with them. He fellowshipped with Adam and Eve, face-to-face. God was no less holy then than He is now. And He was engaging with them as He has designed for it to be.
His holiness was no different, then. Ours, however, has changed.
So, sanctification isn't about putting a new notch on the post of accomplishments. It's not about a new hole in the belt, tightening up. It's about a return to what the Lord ordained.
So as to walk with Him, as He intended.
And that reconciliation to God--so to walk with Him...is only possible in Christ, so to be holy as He is holy. There simply is no other way. Everything in our corrupt nature goes against holiness.
We truly know nothing of holiness, apart from Christ: we can neither even discern it nor understand it, so as to seek it or desire it.
Rarely, even, there might be a potential to witness holiness which allows any idea what's observed.
Still, observation without understanding.
Without holiness, without Christ...observed holiness is unsettling. There's a complete realization that something is completely different, but there's very little awareness of how vast a difference is being observed. And there's no comprehension of what is being seen.
I met with a saint (those who are Christ's, sanctified unto Him to any significant degree: pursuing Him, walking with Him--adopted of God...regenerate...are saints), Sunday.
I have known her for two decades. As a youth, I delighted in her. As a teenager, I adored her. As an adult, I was entirely unsettled by her.
Last I saw her, prior to Sunday, was five years ago. After the process of "the sinner's prayer," I sought her out--probably part of the reason she came to mind at that point was recollection of her devotion to the Lord. I considered myself saved, then, but wasn't regenerate. I had no clue of the truth.
So, being around her completely rattled me, five years ago. Unsettled me. Made me uncomfortable. And I didn't quite know why, except that it did.
So, I didn't go back. Until this Easter.
She's been crossing my mind for months, beginning in December. I crossed paths with a family member of the saint, whom I'd not seen in nearly 20 years, two weeks after she'd first crossed my mind. I'd have never recognized her, but she stopped me and did end up telling me, yes, I should go visit.
I've been praying, since. And was given to go, Sunday.
Again, the last I'd seen her was 5 years ago, and the experience had been wholly unsettling. Recently, I'd begun to suspect my discomfort might have been because she's a Christian...whereas I very much had not been. I'd begun to suspect that she's not a professing Christian, but a regenerate Christian. A true believer.
Turns out, she is. And that is why I'd been so unsettled by her.
We sat and talked about life with the Lord, and the way He's been working in our lives and the lives of those we know. Prayed together. And...she was able to put to rest a lot of concerns.
She is the most mature Christian I've thus far been privileged to spend time in conversation with. This, even excepting Christians who have traveled internationally in service to the Lord.
Just...something about spending time alone with Him, perhaps. Consistently.
She helped me come to grips with how absolutely tainted by legalism have been many of my thoughts. And, granted, I'm not out of the woods on that, yet--the Lord has to bring me through.
Only...consistently, she reminded me that Christ is the central point of all our being, our worship, our pursuit. Whatever else we might want to build or reject, of doctrine, He is the one which matters. Him, above all, beyond all.
Jesus Christ.
The Gospel of Christ is the power of God unto salvation, after all. It is from glory to glory that we are transformed into His image.
...
This all is very disjointed and haltering and very rashly thrown together, but there's no time or ability for anything else, right now. Make of it what you will. Bearing down under fire and still desiring to share.
In the midst of fire. But none to light on, singe, nor even leave smell of smoke.
Strange days. The Lord is good. He is a conqueror.
And we shall overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony!
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