I never know where to start, so...far be it from me to assert a decision.
Right now, though, there's an excitement and gratitude which is fair overflowing. Jesus is so awesome. Completely. Where there's a particular thing which is needed, or even sometimes merely wanted, it's taken care of with such complete fulfillment.
Prioritization is so vital in developing gratitude, though. Unless He's--so very necessarily--the premiere and utmost increasing priority, there are so many flaws which persist in perspective and "desire." Just par for the course of the physical existence, given how things are.
The whole bit about not knowing one's own heart, yes? He does, though.
And gratitude beyond measure is there, for having been sought, bought, and purified.
Though the work isn't complete, it will be. There's a witness to that--multifarious.
There are so many bits of conversation which just cry out for expression. But can't be pressured.
I'm still so learning completeness of obedience, and of humility. Unto that end which there is none but Other, so is desired.
Something which crossed my mind in context of that particular bit of discussion, earlier--
First off, there are ofttimes multiple, simultaneously valid interpretations for particular verses, as with anything. Perspective is individual, thus so is interpretation--given as we all have such a diversity of accomplishment along our work into salvation.
Instance:
Last year, the verse about the faith of a mustard seed being sufficient to move mountains was just stuck on inexplicable repeat in my mind. There was this overwhelming sensation that, if attention was paid for long enough, concertedly and intentionally, some bit which was just..just...beyond the threshold of current comprehension would possibly... ...just... ...there was something I wasn't seeing, but I knew it was there. I could just feel it. Just KNEW it, without having words as to why (although potential exists that words may be given, as is always the case--remember, the ability to recall words is no longer wholly naturally sourced...that direct ability was squelched the last time I died on record, given the severity of injury to fair entire brain).
Either way.
The mustard seed. I knew already that the general way of conceiving of the concept evinced by that example was taken with an emphasis on the visibly observable size of the seed.
To have faith as small as a grain of a mustard seed had always been impressed by others to mean that your faith had to be that "size."
But that was suddenly irrevocably incomplete, in some wholly unknown way. Only known as incomplete.
So, that verse went round and round in my head. Unbidden. Just there.
Until one day, driving home from work. What is faith? Can you see it? Can you touch it? Can you pick it up and weigh it?
No. It's the substance of an unseen quantity, the evidence of an unwavering knowing.
So, in what capacity would a mustard seed bear faith? Except as to exist without doubt. Going to seed without question. Simply being, in all ways without remark, precisely what it is. And, as such, becoming what it might and had ought, without ever beginning to even conceive of an uncertainty that such a thing might occur.
The faith of a mustard seed is that of an unwavering, incontestable, unquestioned knowing of one's purpose as to be so far beyond doubt that the mere idea of such reflection as might yield it is utterly unknowable...such that one merely evinces all the characteristics of wholly being yielded to God's will for one's existence.
There is NO capacity for doubt in a mustard seed. It does not regard itself as perhaps being too small, or out of season. Merely, it acts upon the innate impulses--God-given--as permitted by (divinely--in all cases...divinely) manifested circumstances. Complete surrender, total obedience, humility so extreme that self is no longer a concept. (these latter three just coalesced, given subsequent developments since that initial such revelation)
But, yeah. Jesus was effectively telling us it's possible to have such a faith.
And desirable to do so.
As He did.
I explained all this to my then-roommate (sister-type, yay!), and she confirmed that it made complete sense but that it also made the standard interpretation--as something to yearn toward fulfillment of--seem all the more uncertain and desperate.
Another verse which has been sporadically on repeat, this since April, regards being given the desires of one's heart.
We have always tended, in modern society, to interpret this in terms of seeking God first, and then we'll get whatever we want out of the "deal." The whole "tit-for-tat" mentality which so much of modern Christianity has fallen prey to, as so immersed in secular ideologies. (that "scandal" vid by Paul Washer was just... ...Praise God! And AMEN!)
But that's been the secular take on a spiritual concept. And it's one that held me in its grips for so long, even. Which is why it's been on my mind periodically since April.
Because certain things which happened in April yielded a revelation of the Lord's love, through His abiding Presence, in such a way that suddenly everything else seemed utterly arbitrary. And having already had that verse on my mind, through the desperation of being in a time of such uncertainty (unto salvation, thank the Lord!)...it was brought to mind within context of reveling in His glorious Presence. To the extent that I utterly loved on Him, having realization of how paltry all the things I'd been yearning for were in comparison to His fellowship.
I renounced those things.
The day I was permitted to begin a period of stewardship for a present vehicle. Grace. I told Him that's what I was going to call the car. Because His Grace always gets me everywhere I need to be.
It's my only vehicle for transportation...and so much more...is grace.
On the drive home, that verse was brought to mind, though. And I was reminded of how much I'd been idolizing and utterly yearning for what I'd always considered the epitome of human existence: finding a physical companion who understood, accepted, comforted, loved, cherished, etc., me.
I'd been praying on that matter to Him, for months. Reminding Him that if I sought Him first, He said He would give me the desires of my heart. ...which breaks my heart to even consider, now, so precious is developing fellowship...
But in that vehicle...Grace...in His Presence...having conversation and loving and being loved in that most divine sense, of which only God is capable of producing and yielding...I renounced that desire, utterly. I told Him how crazy I'd been, for ever thinking He wasn't enough. And told Him that, just to be with Him as such...was absolutely everything I'd ever begun to dream of wanting, and then SO MUCH MORE.
And it was all spoken in truth, because He was with me and I was wholly immersed in the glory of His presence.
People don't like it when I tell then I am absolutely incapable of driving a stick shift, AFTER they've ridden in the car with me...given that it's a manual transmission. But it was a necessary step into submission, obedience, and learning His voice. Same as was told me, at the time He placed it in my current stewardship. It required my total dependence upon Him.
Every time I start the car.
There's so much more to it than just a simple overview can relay, though.
But that verse.
In the throes of abject adulation and gratitude for such unwarranted and unexpected fulfillment as it is to be in His Presence...I renounced all other desires. All. In favor of the majesty and...oh, I don't even have sufficient language to describe how Wonderful it is to just KNOW Him!, let alone as to even be graced with His companionship and insight?...just all...in all.
Nothing compares. It's even as the sun itself is wholly dark, in the Presence of His glory. A subsequent realization, unto the revelation of that verse, today.
To be yielded. To be wholly humbled. To wholly submit. To be as the mustard seed, filled only with His love (oh, someday!).
He will give you the very desires which inhabit your heart.
Not ones which were conceived by you. HE will give the desires, themselves.
There is no greater desire. Than to be so conformed as to be wholly transformed--WHOLLY yielded.
To BE AS His Love, amongst men. To be so conformed to Him.
The work that could be accomplished, if no one were to interfere with His explicit, perfect will?
We all need this work done within us. What He has begun, He WILL perfect.
None can take us from His hands, after all.
After all, I can't help but expect that those with similar experiences of Him as to mine must also know similar consequences to departing. The very idea is loathsome to such an extent that I would rather kill myself than permit myself to forsake His Presence. And I KNOW that really seems a terrible thing to say, in ways.
But it's just that serious.
Let me tally for a second...
I attempted suicide twice by overdose in 1998 (born 1981). The first time, with half a bottle of generic tylenol pm and half a bottle of antihistamines.
No one knew. For the most part, no one yet knows of that attempt. I'd collected the medicines for a while, so as not to arouse suspicion. Hid them, then over summer break...one night, I just took them all, after everyone else in the house had gone to sleep.
I made it halfway through ingesting them all (Sprite, yeah--had to keep my stomach well enough in order as not to vomit, after all) before beginning to black out. Finished them, regardless.
Then, passed out completely.
And, yet, inexplicably was walked up and down the two flights of stairs outside my bedroom. All night. I wasn't conscious. I have recollection of someone making me do it. I recall protesting, to no effect. I just wanted to go back to bed, I pleaded, over and over.
"Just let me lay back down."
And there was an emphatic no which brooked no disagreement, and then continued forcible walking up and down the stairs.
All night.
He walked me up and down the stairs all night, moreover.
It wasn't a dream. I've had no dreams wherein they're full of black-out moments of stumbling up and down carpeted stairs while firmly yet gently held erect and stayed from injury.
I've never told anyone about that, in detail, before. That's been almost 20 years ago, now.
And I'd never told anyone about how truthfully I can attest that HE spared me.
Regardless of whether it was an angel or His own hand--His voice hasn't changed. He was there.
Isaiah 59:21
As for Me, this is My covenant or league with them, says the Lord:My Spirit, Who is upon you [and Who writes the law of God inwardly on the heart], and My words which I have put in your mouth shall not depart out of your mouth, or out of the mouths of your [true, spiritual] children, or out of the mouths of your children’s children, says the Lord, from henceforth and forever.
So, while I don't wholeheartedly hold with the (still can't remember the doctrinal term) "set it and forget it"-salvation...
...consider the story of the seeds in the fertile soil, on the rocky terrain, in the briars, on the road/shallow dirt.
Moses was set in place pretty quickly when he wanted to question God's motives for mercy. He will have mercy on whomsoever HE wills. Period.
For, as the potter makes some vessels for special use, doesn't he also make those of an everyday sort?
I don't remember as much from pottery classes as maybe had ought, but do recall that different clays fire at different temperatures for maximum durability. As do different glazes. And I think maybe different types of vessels, too?
Certain things though, don't make it through the kiln at all, still. Such is clay, sometimes.
But there's something to be said for being chosen in a furnace. And I have no idea where that's going, yet, because I'm still being shown things. There's so much more to it.
The verse though. Comprehending the nature of the processes does have some bearing upon comprehending the implications.
Molded unto specific capacities, chosen in a furnace of affliction, purified as silver, then tried like gold.
And a continued work unto perfection. Unto Him.
There's more to it, though.
Those are just some of the relevant pieces, thus far meditated upon and calmly considered.
Just knowing, though.
John 16:12-15
I have still many things to say to you, but you are not able to bear them or to take them upon you or to grasp them now.
But when He, the Spirit of Truth (the Truth- giving Spirit) comes, He will guide you into all the Truth (the whole, full Truth). For He will not speak His own message [on His own authority]; but He will tell whatever He hears [from the Father; He will give the message that has been given to Him], and He will announce and declare to you the things that are to come [that will happen in the future].
He will honor and glorify Me, because He will take of (receive, draw upon) what is Mine and will reveal (declare, disclose, transmit) it to you.
Everything that the Father has is Mine. That is what I meant when I said that He [the Spirit] will take the things that are Mine and will reveal (declare, disclose, transmit) it to you
As methods of interpretation go, something which has been brought to my attention twice within the past three weeks (because I completely forgot it the first time, even realizing the significance, but won't forget it now):
It's important to recognize that Greek understanding of prophecy varies significantly from traditional Jewish understanding of prophecy! The significance in knowing this lies in realizing that our methods of thought and comprehension, as "Westerners" is largely based upon Greek methods of thought (epistemology was the last ongoing project prior to accepting Truth).
So, a great deal of the significance of scripture could (ofttimes has?) been overlooked by this vital determinant for exegesis: Greek interpretation of prophecy presupposes a system of prediction and fulfillment, Jewish interpretation of prophecy relies upon determination and comprehension of recurrent patterns..or so-called "types."
For instance, Abraham and Isaac (as sacrificial) was a "type" of Father God and Christ Jesus.
Thematic patterns, as such, as interwoven throughout the entirety of the Bible.
With sufficiently increasing, informed clarity and shrewd consideration, one could devote the entirety of one's life to gaining ever further revelations from scripture, without cessation.
Seriously.
No hyperbolic expression, there.
He's just that awesome. So, eternity is gonna' be incomprehensibly wonderful.
And, not just that...but a thing which I've noticed, too, which is still in a weirdly untried revelatory stage is that my experience of interacting with other true believers is akin to sitting and talking with Him. He's in the midst, after all.
So, the love I feel for Him is the love I feel for them, when I've seen Him evidenced in them, explicit.
Although, honestly. sometimes it can be really difficult to be around people who are at a vastly different stage in their relationship with Christ.
"*Facepalm,* oy vey, LORD HELP US--please!"-sort of difficult. VERY prayerfully done.
Which...I can only imagine what it was like to nearly drag me up and down stairs all night, drugged unto death of my own volition, that night. So, for that sort of love to be expressed in midst of overt grief of the situation...?
I know what it felt like to lose mom to suicide. So, I can't even begin to image what it was to Him to nearly lose me(?), that way.
But for Him to love as such, in the face of such a grievous, heart-rending offense? He FORCED me to walk up and down the stairs, AGAINST my confessed will...ALL NIGHT.
Grieving, all night. To know what else was to come. He did know.
But, yeah, He told me through one of His prophets recently that in order for Him to answer my youthful cry to service as committed, He had to go with me through the chaos.
I can't imagine how difficult it was to see some of the stuff. In my ignorance, wounding the only one whom I've ever truly loved. All other things count as loss, in comparison, is all--not that there's been no "love," just never like this. The nearest was of Mom.
But for the sake of all the suffering I increased...and how it pains, to now know...my heart aches all the more for those of my brothers and sisters who are so confused and anxious. Just, patience and increasingly steadfast love for them is a constant prayer. To fully have HIS love for all.
Because my impatience gets the better of me, sometimes. Or, maybe it's just that...sometimes, some of the stuff that's said...? The only way to stop it in its tracks is to utterly shock. Not ill-meant, but...something comes over me, sometimes. And I can't stop it. Just...when certain people are about to blaspheme, for some reason I interject with an unnatural indignation and reproach.
Others, though--I can't say a single word. Not one. No matter how much I plead.
It's just a new experience, this past month. And I keep praying about it--speaking that assertively about spiritual matters is not something that comes naturally, at all (hard to tell hereabouts, yeah...but words typed are so much different than spoken). It almost physically pains me to so go against my physical nature, but I'm unable to stop it, sometimes.
And it's only been in matters regarding blasphemy of one sort or another.
Ongoing humiliation, really. Which is good. And I'm sure there's more to come of this odd bit of public exhortation that's come out so unexpectedly and randomly.
That's the fun part, I guess. Never knowing when it's going to happen.
Like all this writing. There was possibility that the computer would be off-limits, tonight.
Dependent upon my regard for it.
It all requires a very, very careful regard for each and every. Even as my imperfection is as it is, yet decreasing in Him. Because revelation can be very dangerous.
Oh, but haven't I learned THAT the hard way! Not that having learned it once means being exempt from potential stumbling, no. But it does help in being more careful.
Yet a lot's still...not "trial-and-error" so to speak...but almost like tentatively reaching out in all directions, simultaneously, just to get a grasp on where I stand, again.
Right now. Not yesterday. But right now.
Even recollecting, it's all done in the light of present revelation. Unto what end, I don't really know.
But it's either permissible or desired as so to do, right now. And, as I'm in process of fine tuning hearing...distinguishing between permissible and perfect, unto obedience...?
Yeah, mistakes will be made.
Like with the smoking cigarettes. Long, long discussions about that. But, ultimately, it's destructive to me and for certain other reasons not the best course. He wants what's best for me, even as I don't always understand the scope...I know that, for sure. So, I'll trust His judgment. Even as He'll yet permit me to indulge my own, as it still deviates to some degrees...needing correction.
Facebook is terrible, by the way. If it weren't for people loved, who are only accessible via such a means...it would be gone again, yesterday.
Ah, yes–something which struck as quite an ingenious way of putting a fairly inexplicable concept…which yet bears some bits of truth:
I…can’t remember how it went, and am unable to bear reading through the actual excerpts from Douglas Adams’ Dirk Gently book to find it…
Something about how…when you’re looking for something specific, there’s a chance you’ll find it. But if you’re looking for anything whatsoever, you’re much more likely to at least find something.
It’s not sound doctrine. Nor solid philosophy. But in a weird sort of way, it kind of describes what being led by the Holy Spirit is like, sometimes:
If I try to exert my will in a thing which requires wholehearted obedience, I obfuscate the direction. Whereas, if I remain entirely open to His direction…surrendering to His will…He’ll get me to the next step. Even if I don’t understand what that happens to be, at that particular moment, just knowing it’s where He wants me is enough.
Increasingly it seems everything is as such, including comprehension of sermons and moment-to-moment interactions. When I let Him guide me into ALL Truth, rather than trying to latch onto bits and pieces which catch my heart in my throat or stall my breath…? Eventually it all comes together into something which changes EVERYTHING. Convalescence, in the most glorious and lofty of senses.
Such a perspective as is held aloft by principles which exceed my comprehension is what so constitutes a suspended view. Not as would be the standard interpretation, no, but…deeper meaning can always be found along the course of faith’s work unto perfection. ((accidentally changed font by just pasting text back here--randomly wandered onto an unknown blog where recent post was requesting folks' descriptions of spiritual growth--yet further evocative of the "principles" thus shared))
I don't want to post this. It's entirely too much of too many things, but...having gotten this far, must do so. May not have to keep it up very long, though. No idea. Maybe public mortification, as such, will be helpful. Public humiliation apparently is become insufficient to its ends.
That term has manifested in writing here, now today, yesterday?, and once before recently, yeah?
Or maybe just twice. But twice within a week, having not used that turn of phrase for...a completely indeterminate amount of time, given total lack of recollection? Yup. Good times.
Thank you, Lord!
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