What now?

I don't know whether this bit of potential interpretation in regard to the witnesses in Revelation is valid, but it makes more sense than anything else so far (or at least as much sense as):

http://www.herealittletherealittle.net/index.cfm?page_name=2-Witnesses-in-Revelation

Another one proposed that the two witnesses had something to do with Catholicism's inquisition period of martydom on Christians.

Revelation makes no sense to me. None. Every now and again, praying and reading other passages in the Bible, certain things seem to click into place. But, on the whole?

Yeah. No.

But it doesn't really have to.

Salvation is more important than any attempt to interpret prophecy.

Prayer and praise are more important.

Too often it's easy to get sidetracked into thinking there's utmost necessity to understand things. Reverential fear and worship of God is what's important. Period. HE is the focus. And must remain so.

Is why repentance is so important. And self-examination. And surrender and submission. Taking up a cross daily. And remembering to commit self as a living sacrifice... daily.

It's so easy to get sidetracked, without utmost care.

For, even as His grace is sufficient...edging into a place where it's not appreciated is easily done as being surrounded by so many ready palliatives and outright distractions. And that just seems so very wrong, to me. Especially knowing my tendency to be so very easily distracted, I have to be very careful.

Mom always (throughout life) used to give me grief over how easily distracted I am--"It's not possible for you to chew gum and walk at the same time," she'd say. And, it didn't used to be. How simple a bit of stuff does that seem? "Thought life" has just always taken precedence and been so active that external focus has always been wholly stilted, so adding anything to the mix which isn't ordinarily there or which need not be there throws off balance, entirely. To the point that I've forgotten I've been walking, sometimes, and tripped mid-step just forgetting to put my foot back down. It happens. It's kind of humiliating too, really.

So, there's always come a point of learning how to do things in ways which don't require thinking about them during process, so to be able to accomplish necessary work without being distracted from thoughts in the process of so doing. Taking dad's insistence that work-ethic is an absolute necessity and that "pride in your work" is something which is utterly required for accomplishment, that's overall meant there couldn't be slack jobs either, though. Excellence required in all things.

Prayer is like that.

Writing is like it. Of both. The doing without thinking, and also the praying.

I never know where it's going to go, no matter what might ever cross my mind as to want to share, beforehand. There just end up being things which come up over course, and so they come out.

Research is like that, too. Randomly looking about in various corners, when there's an unction so to do, until something catches my eye. And once I'm hooked, I proceed with all due haste and intensity of focus. Until a point is accomplished or unraveled or realized or breached.

And upon that precipice, another turn, and then on unto another. Never knowing to where or really wondering why. Because it's never helped to get caught up in wondering why, over a particular, and just sitting there poking at it. Over the course of all the lines of wonder I've pursued, none were ever resolved or truly extrapolated upon meaningfully by just sitting still in one place and fixating.

One step after another, and then eventually, all things have somehow yielded what ultimately resolves curiosity after curiosity. Unto curiosity, still.

Recent foray into academia served as a bit of confirmation of self-guided research, in ways. Methods pursued and found successful apparently have names within the field of psychology, and everything made sense in context of what had been gleaned and understood from research. So, well enough.

Only, all that prior had been obstinately pursued without direct acknowledgment of and proper reverence for the Lord.

Just...it's been crossing my mind all day...the rejection and weirdness from people, over such ardent pursuit of the Lord as is now.

If they had known me before (and to those who truly did it's not a surprise), they'd realize this is just par for the course. There's no gray area.

Anything I've ever pursued, I've pursued with everything in me. To the extent of fulfillment within a direction, to the extent of truly revelatory understanding.

One thing which I'd realized, before, which initially concerned me even in this such pursuit...

...everything always has a point beyond which new understanding is really just a wholly comprehensible expansion upon the base of established principles. So, you go so far, and the rest becomes a matter of logistics and semantics.

Details have never held my attention for very long. They're too variable to maintain interest, as without pattern unto greater revelation of a more inclusive, comprehensive overview.

So, I would study a thing for so long, until it made sense. Once it made sense, test theories in regard to it, as to establish comprehension of the nature of the matter--how does it operate, in other words. By what principles does a thing operate. According to what patterns of response.

And I'm not in any way saying that I understand things. Just...that I developed my own understanding. According to my own observations. And according to my own ability to test them.
According to established principles.

I devoted my life to all that. I left family, state, and safety in search for happiness, in pursuit of fulfillment, with a desire for understanding, a thirst for truth, and a belief in possibility. Desiring love. To know and to share it. Desiring understanding. Craving acceptance and fellowship. Longing for a reason to have faith and hope, yet fearing there might be none except those I would create (as according to the principles of the world).

I wanted to understand people. Why they do the things they do. Why they feel the way they feel. Why they respond the way they respond. I wanted to help them.

And to help myself, in the process.

I wanted to understand spirituality. I wanted to understand religion. I wanted to understand the human spirit. And to understand the supernatural, both that which I had direct experience of and that which I'd heard of direct from those with likewise first-hand experience. I wanted to understand the nature of the universe and everything in it.

I wanted to understand creation. I wanted to understand God.

so as to know Him, through my understanding (oh, what a confused approach!)

I wanted to know all things. ALL things.
Whether through direct experience or postulation--whatever was required, just so to know.

That's arrogance, y'all.

It got to the point, when I was 15, that realization came to note that there was no way for me to read every book ever written and know everything ever discovered, within a single lifetime. That's when I became suicidal.

Because if it was beyond me to be able to know and control absolutely everything, then I didn't even want to live.

Does that sound as familiar to you as it did to me, a couple weeks ago finally? Absolute sacrilege.

When that didn't work, I began to pursue lines to immortality (which--don't fool yourself, even science is presently working on that one...the abomination alchemy is NOT dead, merely operating under a new guise). Which needn't be outlined. Suffice to say that mere humility is not debasement enough for apt response to the account of grace which the Lord has suffered me.

Eternal damnation is a reality for so many. And I deserve it so much more than many--the depths of my grief over the Lord's sacrifice for my salvation is...
...there's nothing I could ever do to come near to earning it, which He gave freely.
...how much is my life, then, that could be devoted at least to His work?

Even though I still mess up, so much. I still get distracted, so often.

I'd love to have a mentor, but when it comes to the point that those who would seem to be expected for that role are expressing constant doubts to me and/or refusing to even acknowledge my presence, periodically? Yeah, I thank the Lord for His Holy Spirit which guides me. No one else seems to have any idea what to do with me, let alone what to say to me.

One of the churches I attend, Friday night when the attack came before service...after the fellow couldn't get me to bend to his will.. ...as he was walking away, I opened the Bible upon Jeremiah 6, "Flee for safety, people of Benjamin! Flee from Jerusalem!"

And for just a split second, I considered doing just that. But then remembered why I was there (even as it's utterly beyond me, really...there has been good Word there, before, if nothing else). But, just it became moreso a commentary and response to my concern in that moment--unto an inside joke. Because it's not as though I wanted to go, in the first place, and that was known before entering the building.

Goodness knows--I don't want to do laundry, either, but it's just one of those things. So, if you get a chance to praise the Lord and receive of the Word, in the process, then more to the good, eh?

If I had it my way, I'd never leave the house. I'd do like I used to fantasize about as a kid, and go live in a cave in the woods, by myself. Just me and God. No one else need apply.

And maybe a horse. And a dog. Maybe.

But me and God, and no one else. Up in the woods, all day every day, all night every night.

It's why I took up a study of natural medicine for a while, and started learning local plants and collecting few bits of bark, leaves, and roots, making teas. So as to learn how to survive off the land, for the day when I could leave society and just go live in the mountains.

That's what I wanted to do when I grew up. Well...once I got past the idea of being a unicorn, being in beauty pageants, becoming a veterinarian, and being an artist.

Middle school, in other words. Right around the time when I first knowledgeably experienced the Presence of the Lord in church, and then got kicked out to the curb.

I had a "post-rapture" plan, in other words. If that tells you anything.

And, all through high school, refused to plan for college because I was certain the rapture would occur prior to graduation. I wanted nothing to do with the world.

So, when the church we attended kicked me out on the curb, one night (which, I'm wondering more and more about the experience...but, eh, if it's meant to be known..)...yeah.

The world didn't want me, and neither did the church.

That was a couple years before the realization that I'd never know all there is to know, within one lifetime. It gave me a couple of years to dabble in things which needn't have been.

No more.

None of that.

Jesus is the only reason for living, now. And I'm still just working through the process of life, as a servant. So, there are still moments of weakness. Through which He yet carries me.

...just to hear His voice more clearly, so as not to trespass against Him. *sigh*