Spent most of the day around people, today. Attempted church, all day, rather than private studies and random encounters.
A day by my design, in other words. Despite prayer as to whether it was acceptable...I admit it was permissive rather than directed. Still, a day of fellowship with the Spirit, just also full of attempted distractions.
All went well until church this evening, even. Just...sometimes humor really doesn't sit well. There's too hard an edge to it, most days, for the gospel to profit spreading through random sarcasms. So, an hour's worth of ardent prayer, more like. Which, ordinarily is good.
Don't know why it got to me so much, tonight. Maybe something about worship being cut short. The unction was there, but fatigue held sway over the move of the Spirit.
Disheartening.
Praise the Lord, though, there are places from which to receive the Word, online. =)
I keep praying about all these churches. As to whether maybe I could stop going to a couple of them, given the attacks and given the difficulties experienced otherwise--being snubbed is as hurtful as any direct attack, and it's happened so often at one place.
But, for some reason, the course remains. With the potential addition of another church. *sigh*
This new place has been on my heart for the past many weeks, even as it's not time yet. Just to pray about, still, and then to go...if and when. I've already received a half-hearted attempt at being warned off by gossip which withered under the light of open expression. Always strange how quickly dissembly comes when gossip isn't tolerated.
Either a thing is or it isn't, and hearsay is pointless. Which is largely why there's absolutely no call for any identifying characteristics in what's written here. People get all up in arms or they drool over the idea of having something to tear asunder, anew, and it's not about that.
Remorse over the state of matters is as it is, and if I'm not currently being permitted to openly discuss these things with those directly concerned, then at least there's allowance for discerning why discomfort has arisen.
If it's the Lord's will that any concerned should ever wander here and read bits and pieces which speak directly to them, then so be it--this place is readily found by those who've allowed means for contact, direct. But that's not something I'd even dare to hope for.
Personal experience has been that, until I'd ever reached a point where willing to surrender disobedience and arrogance as to be humbled into learning, nothing anyone would say could do anything except raise hackles.
And what few bits of attempt at conversation to that effect have been, thus far, have been rebuffed out-of-hand. To the extent that without even speaking, fact of my presence has become obnoxious to some. And I know it's not -me.-
It just grieves, although there is abiding and overriding comfort in the Lord. So there's naught to do but continue to bow out and yet do as the Spirit bids. To whatever end, even if to further public humiliation.
Which has been a definite possibility. As with the fourth place, recently. Which will yield to apology in favor of making peace, in a couple of days. Attempts at public denouncement will yield to that, and well enough. Whatsoever the reception, still it's been laid down as a necessary course.
Even which will have to be led. Because it's not within me to openly course humiliation of that sort, freeing though it tends. Still, the matter of dissent was one in which the Spirit bid, so there can be no yielding on that front unless He bids of that, too.
Liable to break down in tears, though, if put to that course. And I don't know if that's something which need be endured for the course, although it will be, if given. *sigh*
I don't know, though. Except to proceed prayerfully.
I keep wondering about the two churches in Florida. Well, three, but the third was a bit...more that could then be bourne. Just too much. All the many learnings, though.
If only it were given to just be able to directly confront all the many things, rather than just still observing, reporting, and praying.
It crossed my mind the other day, quite how nice it would be to just be able to walk in and cast out what oppresses, as revealed. But...praying about that...it wouldn't yield peace, at this juncture.
It keeps crossing my mind, too, how nice it would be to have someone to bind the influences which yet impinge upon me, as well. And that's going to remain a prayer. As long as there are still things over which the Holy Spirit quickly chastens and convicts me, though, hopefully that's sufficient. I know there are people praying for me, so either way--whatever's the Lord's will.
There's still just so much I absolutely have no idea of, whatsoever. And even the bits which are known are partial glimpses, moment to moment. But Jesus did say the Holy Spirit would guide into all truth and remind of all things which He'd said. That the Holy Spirit would share whatever was given to Him, from the Lord. So, really, what more is to want?
He still guides me to where to go, and He still speaks through His servants. And there are still bits and pieces which come through all the ways which He deems, as to complete the messages He brings.
It's just always so very necessary to remain vigilant. There are so many things which try to whisper misleading bits, still, especially in moments of exhaustion (as the past few days). The tenor of such things is different, though. And always has to be tested, still.
The Holy Spirit has always yielded readily to such inspection, when I've been struggling. He gladly attests to the Lordship of Jesus Christ, God incarnate crucified and risen again, for our salvation and reconciliation unto sanctification and divine servitude. He gladly yields to inspection against and alongside and into the Word.
The others don't. Even if not vociferously against, still they try to slyly divert. That alone is a giveaway of the source.
All I can speak to is my own experience, though. Of the Lord's complete sufficiency, against my complete insufficiency.
Going so far along into things, though, people question why I do the things I do. And frustration comes pretty readily upon those heels, as being unable to wholly elucidate--the reasons are beyond me, in a lot of ways. Just to trust, is all. And continue to learn.
My little brother told me a few days ago that he'd seen a demon, not long past. Horrid thing. And it's only by the grace of the Lord that such a thing is to be bound and cast away from this family. Even as the one he'd witnessed affected is in the Lord's charge for deliverance.
He's so faithful to deliver. And so faithful to love. All in His perfect timing.
By way of my stepmom, He delivered the one thing I'd prayed for today. Another necklace, to wear as a visible reminder of His sacrifice and resurrection, His Lordship in my life unto my salvation. Regardless of who denounces such things, it puts me in mind of Him, whenever I become conscious of it. And it's Jesus who guided and directs and comforts, so the more reminders to dwell on Him, the better.
God bless you all.
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