Seeking Counsel

What is it like to have sound counsel?

Seriously. I want to know.

For instance, back in February while still figuring things out, there was an offer to go trek the desert in Texas and hitchhike for an extended period. I was seriously considering it (for the second time in my life--at least this would have been a tandem venture, rather than the one previously considered), and wanted counsel of elders in my life. Not counsel from those who would have emotional biases, either.

Just...sound counsel.

Went to two older gentlemen whom I've considered to be mentors. Both bid me well and to follow my heart. Nothing doing, as to considering consequences. Nothing doing, as to why I would do such a thing.

Some friends expressed envy.

I knew other would express absolute fear and anxiety, so I didn't even bother. It wouldn't have been a discussion there, either. Just as much of a closed-ended response as was the open-ended response on the other end.

The deciding factor boiled down to a decision concerning whether I wanted to live or die.

I knew that to go the route being considered was certain death, given existing tendencies. I knew that, while considering it seriously.

Life just felt so worthless. I kept doing the same things over and over again, and they always ended up with me in the hospital. And God had intervened again, but I knew it wasn't in me to maintain. He wanted me to submit, and I didn't even begin to know how.

So, of course, the alternate extreme seemed the only option.

Because I don't believe in middle ground, after all. Either it's an emphatic "Yes," or a resounding, "No," but there is absolutely no such thing as a middle ground.

And I didn't know, by any means, HOW to live for Him, so the next best thing seemed to just go die in a rather dramatic fashion. Poison never works, after all. Or, maybe it's just that I've been spared more times than I should even admit.

Still, by the grace of God, I'm awoken whenever I stop breathing.

The guy who had proposed the venture into the desert claimed to be knowledgeable of wilderness survival (Facebook friend originally met a year prior on OKCupid *sigh*). Considering he appears to currently be on the venture he'd proposed allowing me to join along on, I take it he was telling the truth.

It would've been my death, though.

Same as it would've been, if I'd gone that same route rather than leaving New Orleans for West Virginia in 2009.

The fellow who tried to talk me into a suicide pact actually ended up convincing me not to hop a train, unbeknownst to him. I still feel bad about absolutely cutting off communication with him, but I'd been warned that continuing even another day was a dire course.

I don't know why the Lord has taken care of me. I don't know why I don't have anyone to confide in, right now, aside of Him...and this...waveringly permissible, quasi-anonymous internet indulgence.

I don't understand it. I know I'm not the only one. I know that.

But it doesn't make sense to me.

And, now to realize that I can't abide being in church? I tried, tonight. I tried.
I took my study Bible in, with half an hour advance of church to read. Was interrupted by complaints from one of the church pastors, as she and I were the only two there. Complaints about life. Complaints about being tired. Complaints about feeling compelled to be in church.

I didn't speak very loudly in response, but did let her know she didn't have to be there. That it's all about priorities, after all.

Then for the primary pastor to show up as other members were coming in, and I tried to take the time to pray instead.

Sitting in the sanctuary.

While they all laughed and talked about an accident on-site 24 hours prior which necessitated stitches, going into detail about the process of the stitch, and how horrendous it was. Then, sharing other horror stories about other incidences which each of them had endured, of bloodshed and injury beyond their ability to comprehend. Making jokes, all the while.

Why is it that only when people have opened themselves to the Holy Spirit as to allow Him to work in them significantly as to be able to wholly note His presence, are they then respectful?

He's there already, regardless. Just no one pays attention. No one pays due heed. Rather, being caught up in sharing stories and jokes and complaints.

He's there, all the while. Listening to all that, more or less longing to be able to inhabit praise instead of being grieved continually by such irreverent, willful ignorance of His presence.

It's driven me batty, the past week. Being confronted on all sides by anxiety, fear, and complaint.

Either you DO believe that God is in control and respond accordingly to life, or you don't.

Entertaining thoughts of fear and anxiety and sharing stories between purported Christians just as to keep one another sufficiently terrified as to maintain a wholly anxious demeanor...is not of God.

Yet there's an ongoing delusion that the one who worries most is holiest. My mind has been utterly boggled by increasing realization of this phenomenon.

She who worries most is holiest.
As he who rails against (specifically: speaks condemnation) most is holiest.

Something about it proving how very much they care for people, as that they're never far from their minds...or hearts?

Something about how knowing the letter of the law proves one's righteousness before God?

It breaks my heart and utterly drives me up the wall, when put in a corner where I'm being mercilessly pressured to give in to doubt. They relish each new and worse development, mocking me with them.

But it doesn't matter. And no matter how much I try, it doesn't seem that message is being translated properly.

It doesn't matter one iota what a situation looks like. God is in control.
Period.

That's all there is to it.

Just, increasingly, I'm feeling the need for sound counsel. And, given the only sound counsel I've been receiving is direct from the Lord via His Spirit and Word...it seems that has to be the course.

I had hoped to continue a process of infiltration unto revelation, but even having seen conviction come upon many in the Presence of the Holy Spirit (self included), there's nothing I can do. Ultimately. Because it's all Him.

And it's beginning to rattle me, increasingly, to have to sit quietly through portions of sermons which mock the ignorant and the "outsider." Especially as coming from those who consider themselves all-inclusive and proclaim themselves as such. All too often, they don't realize the things they're mocking are the people sitting right in front of them. Of all the conviction I've ever experienced, never once has the Holy Spirit mocked me for being weak and ignorant. Not once.

So, to hear jokes made in a pulpit which are considered justified by experience...? No matter how true the experience holds, in general, there is always an exception. And mockery accomplishes nothing but further debasement.

I won't ever join a church, for the following reasons.

There is ONLY one church, which doesn't require earthly payment nor physical contract to belong.

There is ONLY one Lord: ONE Way, ONE Truth, ONE Light, ONE Life, ONE means to the Father.
And Jesus Christ, Yeshua HaMashiach...is His name.

Giving prevalence to discord in process of preaching thus does no favors.

...

Doing the things which are upcoming will entail disappointing people. But, then...it wasn't my place to make commitments, nor theirs to ask or accept them. All sides have erred. I more or less knew it when I did it, and did it anyway. Because of impatience and arrogance.

I just have no idea what else to do.

...okay, so yeah--that's not entirely true. There are a couple of things.
But even those...are not within my personal ability as to do. Gonna need His help.

All the way.

...We all need His help. All the time. In everything.
Most of the time, we're not aware of it. But He is the force of Life, the electrostatic charges which bind our molecules, the very essence of the air which we breathe.

...

Back to the bit about counsel, though:

So, after discussing with the two (secular) elders in my life, being given their blessing to proceed with all due diligence into the wilderness with a veritable stranger...

...after being given the go ahead from a small handful of others, and after spending time figuring out the logistics and realizing they were entirely feasible (still are, honestly)...

...I reneged on the commitment.

I knew going into the wilderness would be a trek into madness. Outright.
I knew it would be physically and mentally challenging beyond most of what I've ever experienced.
I knew there would be expectations of me which wouldn't be particularly welcome.
I knew that whiskey would again become the primary staple of my life.

And I knew I would never come back from it.

Ever.

So, again--the choice was...follow God or go die in the desert.

Effectively: follow God or kill myself by a means which would not fail.

For-real Christianity or suicide.

Life or death.

It's the same choice I have every day.

Same as the realization that, even as I could still meet him to trek alone, I could go either to Key West, New Orleans, or a couple other places, and start over. Amongst old friends.

I could step right back into that life, as though it was never killing me. And do as before, to keep up appearances for a while, then to die.

It's the same choice--life or death.

God or this world?

This world is certain death to me, in short order. I would be cut off with an absolute quickness. I know it with every ounce of my being.

Just as I know the joy in serving my Lord is great beyond measure, no matter what seeks to distract. I know that has to be the way.

So, when those around me from whom I seek counsel effectively attempt to relay doubt, anxiety, fear, false doctrine (conjecture neither founded in scriptural truth nor personal revelation from the Spirit), hurt, exclusion, uncertainty, pride, vanity, or any other sort of thing that would push me from resting in the peace of the Lord...? It's not sound counsel.

That's been from all sides. All sides, one or many of the above listed.

I don't understand it. Or, rather--it's disheartening.

I thank the Lord, though--if it weren't for that He's helped me realize the truth in certain things heard from various of these places, in regard to faith and praise, I wouldn't know any better, either.
I'd just be doing the same old same, too.

These past few days I've stumbled, though. For the past week, moreover.

Maybe I will still be going to the churches. I don't know. I really don't.

All I do know is that I've stumbled and have to get back on track. But even stumbling, He has still reinforced the covenant.

I have no idea what to do, as far as the churches go. And I'm just longing for sound counsel (sound+audible). Because I'm terrible, like that. Getting counsel from the Lord, and still I want other.

That's the height of arrogance and ungratefulness, isn't it? *sigh* It's terrible.

Sometimes, I just miss having conversations with others. And it's a terrible thing, really. Even knowing it, still I indulge--see, just as bad as all those I notice. And even knowing it's bad and asking Him to help me with it (as now, please)...there's still that desire for fellowship, here.

And I'm so sorry for that. It's absolutely terrible. I know I'd ought to just go deeper into fellowship with Him, rather than sitting out here on the side longing for other. Yet He only gently admonishes me, which is beyond my comprehension.

How terrible a thing to bemoan only having one's Lord to talk to. ...only having one's own Lord, for counsel.

It's shameful. Utterly shameful, to bemoan that. And yet I have, time and again. Even being utterly sorry for it. As I am.

No matter what, He always provides. He is my provision.

So, when I moved back to WV/VA area and have found that things are different because I've changed? Yeah, He's my provision.

When I sought to speak with one of the elders from before, again...hoping in some way that he would realize the significance of this venture into seeking and devotion in a way which was uplifting? ...given that he'd been just as willing to see me wander into the wilderness, I thought certainly he'd be happy to hear of my salvation.
That fellow then began trying to scare me off of Christianity, telling me about how horrible the devil is and how much he'll target me--that I'd ought not to pursue, as it makes me a threat, thus a target.

I rebuked that. Because He who lives in me is indeed greater than he who lives in this world.
And I am MORE than an overcomer, in Him.

People keep wanting to place me in youth ministry, too. Youth ministry and intercession.

Every Christian is to be an intercessor--that's our greatest weapon. Prayer.

It availeth much.

And with as many immature Christians as there are in the world (self included), I don't even know where to begin with someone telling me to go into youth ministry.

Point being--the dictates of man are futile, and not to be either trusted or given weight.

I'm supposed to respond to His voice, alone. As we all are, who are His. ...knowing the Shepherd's voice.

But there has to be total surrender. Anything less yields corruption. I know this, yet don't know how to do it. Which means the surrender must even be led by Him.

Daily.

Not just once.

EVERY day.

Which is where I've failed, this past week, doing things which were self-indulgent. MUST renounce? And repent.

Throw myself on His mercy, at His feet, at the foot of the cross.

Yeah, gotta go.

He's the only true counsel there is.