Clarification?

Yeah, so. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

None, whatsoever.

And when I get to the point where desperation for movement of some sort has set in, whatever next comes up as a possible route is wholly latched upon with all enthusiasm. Resulting in a good deal of humiliation, really.

But that's what I get, for trying to figure things out on my own.

Something that caught my attention a while back keeps coming to mind. About how things of the Lord aren't so much bound by time (He controls all things and exists on a level which utterly supersedes space and time, sort of deal), whereas the devil tries to always instill a sense of urgency for decisive movement...the devil always tries to get us to hurry.

I forget that, a lot. And He lets me forget it, too, when I'm being willful.

Because eventually, given enough humiliation. Given ongoing mortification.

I will stop trying to rush things. I will stay in that place of submission, as to remain in His perfect will.

The more I rush ahead, though, the longer that's going to take. So, in my impatience, I'm actually prolonging the eventual.

That's a difficult thought to bear, really--impatience prolongs the wait.

Something that keeps coming to mind, aside of that, regards the places I've been going. And I haven't even entirely known why I've been going to them, aside of just that it's been the foremost desire to obtain a closer relationship with the Lord by all means possible and any means necessary. Church had always been the expected venue for that course, in a lot of ways.

One of the places has had messages over the course which have directed the congregation of their dire need to seek the Lord outside the building, that it is of utmost importance to be able to rest in His Presence through one's own solitary pursuits...not reliance upon a "place of worship," as to do so.

I took that seriously. It is serious.

And, now, it's like...in times when I've had greatest need of counsel, they've never been available. Which, even then, I knew that I needed to seek counsel in the Bible and through prayer, not primarily through people any longer...

But it's just reinforced the realization that they cannot be for me what I need.

I thank God for the ministry there, as it allowed me to come to terms with certain things I'd had no awareness of, and allowed me to go beyond them.

But I don't know what to do, now. I keep getting the impression that congregating with those who would treat me differently for having realized certain things about me is...not good. Just as congregating with people who won't speak to me for not knowing me seems so...wrong.

Even as it seemed off-kilter to congregate to a very welcoming crowd which were wholly restrained from worshipping the Lord.

He wants worship in spirit and in truth.

So, how is it fitting to worship with utmost restraint? ...or to worship through complete abandon unto the flesh, either?

Neither seems to fit the letter of the phrase, "in spirit and in truth."

I've been struggling with self-denial again, these past couple of weeks. I was tempted into smoking again. And I gave in. And I let myself rationalize it as something which gave me an in-road to witnessing to those who smoke, still. While rationalizing that as long as I gave it up again, the second it was required of me, it would be fine.

So, it's been two days again without a cigarette. And no more of them.

Because that temptation followed into temptation into further indulgence of the flesh by way of eating more than I'd ought, again. Even again, today.

And it has to end.

It has to.

Funny, though, that I suppose...our "pet" sins really do show themselves.
Those who are prone to fear (anxiety/worry/etc) wrinkle and are tense.
Those who give in to gluttony (*raises hand*) are overweight (by grace it will not always be so, even as...thankfully, it's never been extreme).
Those who give in to pride (most often visibly expressed as vanity) have many things made evident in their bearing--expensive hair treatments (men and women), cosmetics, fancy dress, jewelry, and so on.
Those of us who give in to covetousness often display many of the same vanities as pride, outwardly, concerning dress and appearance--staying current with society's whims.
Greed is as the same.
Lust shows in varied ways, I suppose, as it's akin to covetousness so closely. I lost the battle to lust so many times...addicted from the age I entered kindergarden, and then until very recently delivered--by grace. Many books are no different than the videos and photos available online.
In regard to that, I've wondered a lot lately at why women in the church are trying to hard to look like porn stars/actresses--the same make-up, hairstyles, clothing (although at least the clothing is usually slightly more subdued). I can't do anything beyond wonder, because I'd done the same thing for so long. So very, very long. And I wasn't aware of it as being a bad thing. I thought it was expected and desirable. It is, actually--the world wants us to conform. Expects us to. Men and women, alike.

I guess it's just a sore point for me as being such a temptation, still--to dress up and flaunt my looks. People in the churches tell me how nice I look, when I'm wearing something that accentuates features. The women tell me these things, as though I had ought be encouraged to wear makeup and dress accordingly, more often.

But I can't.

And I've completely gotten derailed on this thought, but it's been bothering me for a while.

If I'm going to dye my hair, it'll be something like...purple, or blue, or green, again. Rather than something which would have me conform all the more. But even with those colors, these days they constitute conformity of another sort. So, even that's not desirable.

I'll just wear what God gave me, even as it makes so many women uncomfortable. I like it.

My mom used to even try to encourage me to use cosmetics. Because I'm "beautiful without them, but when [I] do wear them..."

And so much, lately, I keep hearing people IN CHURCHES make jokes about how there are some women who shouldn't be allowed to leave the house without cosmetics. Pastors saying this, mind you. Telling us all that we had better hope we conform well enough to the world's idea of beauty, even in church, as to be considered beautiful...otherwise, we should expect mockery.

Because, that's scriptural, right?

I mean, seriously--I used to excel at cosmetics. And still do, when it's something permitted for reasons beyond my own...

...I can't say anything against them, but to wonder at the expectation.

I refuse.

And that is basically the core of everything which has been bothering me about churches, lately. I'm not going to conform to their standards. Jesus is Lord of my life, not the ministry of a local pastor, nor the services of a local ministry.

Anything which creates a conflict, thereby...is going to have to go. Oy.