Something to do.

There is always still the question of what it means for Jesus to be Lord of one's own life.

The ways in which that has been enacted, in my own life, don't necessarily reflect precisely the same ways it will surely be made true for others. Maybe even, for the lives of those others whom I'd used as measuring sticks to gauge my own, He was and is Lord for them and they are yet in ministry of a different sort than my own.

Paul did make a point of reminding folks that each of their own services to the Lord would take the form of what the Holy Spirit worked individually in them, and corporately in their congregations as a body...such that each individual would receive particular calls on their life, receiving particular gifts for service to the Lord, same as each body of congregants would fulfill a particular role in the entirety of the Body of Christ which is the Church, as a whole.

So, I can't say that their own places in the world weren't as called by the Lord. I can't claim that, with any certainty, as so knowing the Lord to be a personal Savior. He deals with the hearts and minds, the spirits and souls, of individual believers...unto salvation and repentance.

My own experience is only that--my own.

Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

But the way He changes each of us, unto Himself, is different for each of us...as we each have different needs, given different trials and tribulations.

For myself, back in February unto March, obedience to Him as Lord was enacted by way of listening to Him when He bid me wait in regard to specific designs I wanted to enact in my life. I wanted to start a new career, albeit one which wouldn't conflict so deeply with my walk of faith, but still...to start a new career. I had plans, still, in other words. And, in addition, I knew a need to find a new place of residence. Outside of the realm wherein alcohol was an accepted course, even if not one which was pressed upon me--still, it was an ongoing reality in surrounding circumstances. Just to know that it was a daily walk for those who were thereabouts was too much.

And I knew the need to get away from it, entirely, as an ongoing temptation just per the overarching regard for drunkenness as an acceptable, if not desirable, state of being. Not acceptable, no, but tolerable...unto a prayer for deliverance, but still tolerating the course.

It was just more than I could bear to be under, given my prior propensity for giving into the temptation of drunkenness as a course for temporarily escaping stressors. As a means for temporarily alleviating the pains of living. As a palliative, rather than a cure.

I wanted it gone, and didn't know how. No idea how. Even thought, still, that perhaps a glass of wine periodically wouldn't be so bad. Perhaps a night of karaoke in a bar, without drinking, would be acceptable and a proper course.

Again, all this is only of my own experience. I can't say what would be right or wrong for someone else. But I have come to find that alcohol is just something which can't be a part of surroundings.
I had to give it up, entirely. To surrender it. And to surrender all desire to go amongst others so indulging or tolerating, even for the sake of sharing the Gospel by my own designs.

Every time I'd tried to go out, not drinking, but just talking of Christ in that atmosphere...it ended up leading me into a dark place. Maybe because there was too much which had held me captive, there. I don't know.

All I do know is that I had to give it up. And start to just listen to what He wanted me to do. Rather than continuing to make plans.

And it was on my heart that the drinking had to go. Again--I had no idea how. Nothing I did, no move I made, no plan I'd conceived, no therapy nor medication ever taken...nothing I'd ever tried had worked. So, I gave up. And just gave it to Him. Knowing full well that I just couldn't do it, I gave it to Him...giving up the effort, knowing the need for help.

That was in the midst of accepting the need to get out of then-present residence. Nothing I'd ever said or done had changed anything for the better, although circumstances had certainly enabled me to become worse and worse. And it was time to get out.

So, I'd been making plans for that. Finances were wholly set to pay up another apartment for a year in advance, so it wasn't an issue. Two new part-time jobs had been accepted to take the place of the one full-time position, and it was just a matter of God making a way, showing me where to go. I kept looking at apartments, praying over where to go, and kept getting the very clear impression that I needed to just wait.

End of March, I went back to church with intent. This, after dying hair back to a "normal" color--I'd let the fact of having been hot pink for a couple months serve as an excuse from entering the church, fearing they would treat me with disdain. Even knowing the need to go, I had stayed away for fear of being turned out...or just being snubbed.

Whether they actually would have, I'll never know.

Going back to church, though, ended up in lunch with a woman I'd spent some time with before the winter hiatus which resulted in hospitalization and incapacitation. She ended up expressing a need for a roommate, and I, the need for a room.

Meeting up with her, end of the week a couple weeks later...I told her of the things which had been going on. She became adamant of the need to get into a different living arrangement, for the severity of certain matters which need not be disclosed. To the extent that it was decided to just go and get necessities. She'd already received a check for deposit and first month on the apartment we were supposed to move into at the beginning of May--I gave it to her, in good faith, upon culmination of our previous conversation.

And, there, on the first weekend of April...new residence. Acknowledged as temporary, but new.
With prayer in the morning and Bible discussion at random. And, still, as the weeks progressed and no change toward a room of my own came, I began to worry. Every time, there was a check against it--"wait." Just wait.

Wait and pray.

Alcohol just disappeared off the map, along the course of it all. No longer either desired or tolerable, by the grace of God. Despite that I tried a couple of times to go out...it just wasn't within me, so to do, and I left confused and repentant. Not to return, unless the day comes where the Lord has someone with whom to witness as to so venture alongside.

But I don't pray for that. I just pray for His will to be done.

Part of the all, around that time, was deactivating Facebook. So many people from so many dark stages in my life, and I love them all, but to continually be in the midst without being able to explain the change taking place in my life...? I couldn't do it. Even after a trip to go see a friend in Key West, prior to further surrendering unto repentance in mid-February...I had to just cut off communication.

It was too much and served as too much a temptation to fall back into those lines of destructive thought which had held me captive. As when I'd thought, for the longest time, that the way to heaven and fellowship with God was through nature. As when I'd thought, for the longest time, that the way to "enlightenment" was through suffering unto being cleansed of the world's controlling messages. As to when I'd thought, for the longest time, that mere epiphany of knowledge was sufficient to lead into understanding of all which is. As to when I'd though, for the longest time, that loving and fellowshipping unto a true and vital connection with everyone around me was sufficient to save them from their ills and to deliver me from my own.

All those ultimately destructive and distracting lines of thought pursued for years, and so many others even, were just rampant as bonds which yet existed for me, there. A place for consideration and for extrapolation of thought, in some ways, as have been a handful of other places.

I had to surrender those relationships. Completely. Leaving the only opening for communication to be that they would reach out to me in other ways, rather than for me to meet them there...if they so chose.

Same was for all, at that point. Even unto the roommate, in ways.
The only thing which could be spoken of was the Bible, otherwise things tended badly and I wandered closer and closer to despair. So, it got to the point where the only thing I was willing to talk about was the Bible. Otherwise, just not to speak, instead to dwell on the Lord in thought.

Or to speak in ways which gave Him glory, regardless of whether the other party wholly realized the breadth of the message...as it was. This has been the way things have so progressed, as to reach this point.

So, I tend to not speak very much. Unless there's an opening given and the Lord allows to breach the silence, in such a way. But it's such a fear to speak things which aren't profitable to Him. It's such a fear, now, to put anything out there which doesn't give Him glory.

Because He's worthy of all glory.
And...listening to Paris Reidhead's account on Awakening now, as he spoke of the drunkard which Jonathan Edwards wrote of...it was me. I fell through a railing. It broke my neck, falling from the second story. I died. December 16, 2006.
Even as I wasn't that man, his story was just as much mine. Except that there hadn't been a dream. And I was spared, given surrender over the course of the fall.

Still, to have died and been spared. To have broken my neck and fractured my skull in such a way...damaging nearly every segment of my brain, in the process? According to medical science, I'm dead. And unable to think. Unable to speak. Unable to process words, at all. According to what happened to my brain.

So, it's wholly by the grace of God that I can do any of these things. Evermore, daily and moment to moment then, it's increasingly a concern that everything which I do is to His glory and in His perfect will--because the very breath I breathe, the very thoughts which I think, every bit of anything which is in and of my present existence...is so wholly and notably a result and made possible through His miraculous grace.

He bought me...redeemed me...at a higher price than has ever been or will ever be paid, through Jesus' crucifixion, resurrection, and ascension. And, to have had that message more personally driven home, through having been awoken from death so many times--even as that one in 2006 was the most notably drastic? Yeah, my life and everything in and of it is His. Because I'm living on His time. I'm only alive because of His mercy upon me, while I was yet a sinner.

Literally.

I'd be dead, many times over, if it weren't for His continual deliverance, if it weren't for the fact of his grace and new mercies. Every day, even. Because I increasingly am led to believe that there are so many things which He continually shields us from, each of us...which would utterly destroy us beyond our ability to imagine. Except that He holds them back and shields us. Even as there are so many things which are so completely heart-rending and seemingly soul-crushing which do occur...there are so many things which He stops. And we have absolutely no awareness of it, most of the time.

Same as with the Israelites in the desert, whose clothing nor shoes wore out for 40 years of wandering, who received manna, and yet who began still to fear for themselves enough as to complain to Moses to return to slavery.

Just like they had so little awareness of how great the mercies of the Lord God were, upon them daily...as to how quickly they forgot even the most miraculous...his mercies were made new, daily...and they still were able to take it for granted as to not even be grateful for the things they DID see, let alone for the things which they weren't aware of as provision...

...we're all just like that, in so many ways.

How many times might a bridge have collapsed, or a car have clipped us, or a screw loose from an overflying jet have killed us? And we have no awareness of those near hits, which God has so mercifully restricted from touching us.

So, as I've spent more and more time alone with Him, these past many months...it just comes increasingly to awareness, becoming more real--each of those instances in which I DID taste of death and yet was awakened is only a small representation of all the many more times which death sought to grasp me and was held totally at bay. By His will.

The thought strikes me with awe, and no small amount of reverential fear for how great is the Lord. That He IS Totally in control.

And it makes me want to give Him all the glory for any which has happened, as to so be saved and delivered and kept whole...and transformed and renewed, daily.

One thing I have struggled with has been patience with complaints. It's been a difficulty for me to see beyond the complaints as to love the one complaining and try to express His love in whatever way is permitted and desirable as so to overwhelm affliction.

In those moments, it's been better to just remain silent and pray. Rather than to say something completely out of line. Which...still happens sometimes, even as it's a work in progress.

I saw today...for a moment, while out driving...how different things are now from even a few decades ago, all over again. Love has grown cold, in so many ways. In so many places.
Where once a thriving community of neighbors interacted freely with one another, in love, now walls mostly invisible have been erected.

Where once people would stop to talk, seeing one another outside and out and about, now attempt at even making eye contact arouses suspicion. Except amongst very few, who still share heartily in whatever greeting can be shared.

There are still those who are so separated from the world as not to have wholly fallen prey into its clutches. Even as the prevalence of news media yet seeks to drive fear into even their gentle hearts, so to lodge fear in...to drive out love. But, no. The Lord provides and He is our refuge. And for those who know Him, truly, as their tower of refuge--no assault will find purchase.

It's only by grace. Merciful Lord.

His grace abounds.

Love shed abroad in the hearts of His own.

Obedience has been so vital, for me. I've struggled with it more than with anything.
But having Him as Lord does mean that one is obedient to His personal will for your life.
Whatever that ends up being, really--it's distinct for each of us.

I used to do everything wrong, thinking that since I couldn't do things right, I may as well try to excel in the other direction. Terrible. Then, when that was repented of, I sought to do as much good as possible...regardless of whether it was His will for me to do the things, just to do good.
Still disobedience. Terrible. And I repent for it, still, as the temptation still sometimes is succumbed to. Because there are so many people seeking to serve the Lord, each with their own particular agenda or delineation of direction...they urge others to follow suit, alongside. To partner in action. Or in funds. Or in whatever way is felt as a need.

And it's so difficult not to give into that pressure. Peer pressure to perform for the Lord.

But it's still disobedience, unless the Lord's call coincides and overrides those so directing unto action.

I did that sort of disobedience for a while. Just doing anything, regardless of whether it was the Lord's will for me--figuring that, so long as it serves his kingdom, there must be a sort of free-for-all as obedience goes. Ended up wearing myself out and creating problems at home. The whole desire to be part of the local mission I wrote about a few nights ago? yeah. I wanted to. I did everything I could, so to do. Even disobeying my parents.

So, really...maybe not everybody goes to that sort of an extreme. But, when I do what is the Lord's will, there's energy. There's peace. There's love. There's strength to carry on, regardless of what's going on with my body or with anyone around me. And I'm not exhausted by the effort, at the end, but feel renewed in spirit.

As opposed to creating problems.

Just...these days, there is such a great need for the Gospel to be spread. Hearts have grown cold, demons have active ministry in churches, neighborhoods are more like guard posts than communities.

If we're serving man before the Lord, though, what hope have we that He'll deliver us? We all need Him so very desperately. With a desperation that defies expression.

But how can we call Him Lord if we don't obey His commandments? Obedience is vital. Loving Him with everything within us is obedience. Loving others as ourselves, second to our love for Him, is secondary but just as required.

Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. With everything. Love Him. Loving Him so yields a love for others which exceeds love for self.

But Love Him, above all else. Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. First. Not after the 401(k) has been rolled over. Not after conversion to a Roth IRA. Not after the insurance check has come through, nor after retirement has been filed. Not after mom's funeral was complete, nor after my sister's deliverance was provided.

Love Him FIRST.
And love others before yourself. Prefer them. Serve them.
Even as it's only possible through empowerment of the Holy Spirit (so for me, at least)...turn the other cheek, when they offend or strike...whether with words or with fists.
Let them take another blow after blow and exhaust their anger, so to be able to witness His love.

He, alone, can deliver us all. He, alone, is the way to salvation. Jesus, alone, is our Savior. And to be our Lord, forever.

The call is come, the work is arduous, and the need is great.
His yoke is easy and His burden is light.
That we should carry our crosses daily.
As so to have the kingdom come, His will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

We must surrender to Him daily. Pride and self-sufficiency have no place in our ranks.
We must humble ourselves before Him, in repentance for ever having conceived such high treason as attempted self-sufficiency.
He is all, in all.
His will is above all.
His glory is above all.
He is worthy of all honor and all praise, and by His grace and mercy alone are we even alive so to serve Him, so to minister to Him in all ways upon this earth.
That we might minister to others, as so directed and yielded to His will.

Not to self. Never to self.
He is our shepherd.

As we seek Him, He provides our needs. His grace is ever sufficient to our every need.

How many are there, lost and afraid? ...how many, lost and angry? ...lost and hurting?
...blind and raging? ...mute and terrified?

How many are there, yet to be awakened?

By His will, all things.
May we evermore experience a deeper revelation of Christ's majesty, glory, and His humble sacrifice, so to save and realign our eyes upon Him, unto further and deeper repentance and renewal of the Holy Spirit. Our deliverer, our Savior...who defeated death and made a mockery of Satan's works, destroying them upon the earth...by force of His awesome sacrifice and mighty resurrection power. Glory to Father God, in the Highest! May all His saints arise!