Waiting on the Lord

Okay.

So, much with continuation of study and prayer and all which coincides. The past couple of days had been a bit off track, for me...and in any way to not be in line with God's will is not desirable.

There are so many things.

Just...to know Him more, to follow Him more clearly and directly, to bring Him glory in everything.

Howsoever it goes.

I have nothing to give. Nothing except that which He is so mighty as to offer through service, in surrender.

And there's always so much which people can find fault with, no matter how a person goes.

I don't know as to speak of anyone except myself, but I can listen to testimony and study the Word as experienced by others. By the grace of God, that there are those who know Him so and have sought Him so as to be able to present truth as they've been so blessed as to experience it unto witnessing to His glory.

Because it's His glory which is all that matters. Jesus is worthy of all praise and honor and glory, and all things done should be done to glorify Him.

No matter what comes. No matter what happens to any of us. Because He's worth it, and it's justly due Him that we should all lift Him up in all service and praise in whatsoever ways He makes available and allows, per His holy guidance and rightful direction.

For He knows far more and far more highly than any of us do. His ways and His thoughts are so much higher...soo much higher than ours. So, if He says to wait...wait. If He says to go...go.

And I'm still learning that--the obedience. He's still perfecting that work in me.

And I just pray that it always continues. And it will, because as Paul had said...He who began a great work in us will see it to completion.

There's just so much more to this all, discipleship and seeking the Lord first, than ever I'd heard it said.

Paul Washer preaches of it, though.

Just like...I can't even entirely remember when the day was, or what had preceeded it, earlier this year...but there was a day, and it was cumulative--it wasn't restricted to just one day, as it still continues..

...just, one day, all of a sudden...I realized how abominable all the many things I'd done and believed were. And not just for the fact of them being against the law, as recorded in scripture. But that I'd done them against Jesus--Him being so precious, above all...and that all the things...all the things I'd done...were as suffering to Him, as against Him. And it seemed the most terrible thing ever.

The most terrible thing. Absolutely. To...in ways, as it were...have been actively striking Him, myself, through all the heresies and hypocrisies. Through all the active rebellion and disobedience. It was as striking Him, myself. To act against His will, one who so loved...
...to act against loving ways and means to others, whom He so loved...
...to act in strife against myself, even, whom He so loved.

And it was a devastating realization.

And I wanted absolutely no more of it, to act against Him in any way. No more of it, to act against anyone else in any way which He wouldn't approve. Even as to act against myself, no.

I want no more of it. No more. Ever.
Because He is wonderful above all things.

And His love and justice and grace and mercy are just so exceeding anything which I could have ever imagined, even desiring them...I had no idea.

Just...to serve Him.
As He forgave me, even for my greatest atrocities, when I realized how horrible they were before Him, and asked Him to forgive me...he did.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

and on..

"For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.
 He that believeth on him is not condemned:but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God."

Yeah.

He forgave me. I didn't deserve it. I could never deserve it, but out of love, He did so. Such grace.

So, who am I, not to forgive? ...and, who am I, that I wouldn't forgive myself?

What a presumptuous thing, that He would forgive me, and I would somehow place myself as a higher judge than the Lord Almighty, as not to forgive myself?

Terrible.

So, no. I surrender all that, to Him.
Because it's idolatry, not to forgive self, given that the Lord of All has been so gracious as to forgive me through His atonement for my sins.

And I don't have it all perfectly in order. But I have faith in Jesus, and He guides me and directs my learning. And He's working sanctification in me, even and to completion.

The works of grace are inexplicably awesome...exceeding comprehension.

It still stands, a conversation from a...month and some?...ago..

Driving, praying. That, no mater what was to happen to me...either way, even if damnation were my end result...I still want to serve the Lord in whatever ways are possible, because He's worthy. No matter what's to happen--it doesn't matter, just to serve Him.

I don't care, so long as whatever can be done to His service is done. Because He's worthy.

It's not about me, even as there are so many things which by grace, I can do. In whatever ways, as long as in some way, it can bring Him glory.

I just pray that so many come to know Him, even more and evermore truly. His glory exceeds definition or comprehension. All I know is that it's beyond anything I can imagine, and that He's worthy of all praise.

It's all so very wonderful to think on.

Something has come up today which has me praying.
It's been told that one of the pastors whose churches I've been able to attend received a vision, and I was in the vision.

And there's no way to know what that means. Except to know that we are to judge all the spirits.
Even as knowing the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, so to know that He does give prophecy and vision.

With the bits of prophetic word which had been given, over the past many weeks, from the Lord to me through other of His servants...I'd had a discussion with Him about it, for a while.

Because, just as is reading the Bible, it's addictive to know the Lord to speak...to have Him give direct message.

Like He did last night. When I prayed to Him that, as it goes, whether to death or to His glory in healing...whatever is His will. Just, whatever is His will. And then for one girl to be given to speak, unto prayer for me, then to lay hands in prayer, as she put it that she was told to put "the breath of life in."

I've been thinking (praying) on that, still, and it's an answer. His grace is sufficient. In whatever ways are necessary, as His will is done.

Last week, though, it had been a couple weeks since someone had given a Word direct from Him to me. And, as the times in which He's so blessed me have been--I didn't expect nor seek it out, except being in search of Him, through worship and the Word...it's always been while seeking Him first, He provides.

Always.

And last week, I'd gotten it into my head that I wanted more, directly from Him. In addition to prayer and reading and receiving teaching of the Word. I wanted more. And, I got it into my head that I needed to go out and find places where He'd speak to me that way, again.

Quickly rebuked for that bit, for sure. Because it was a blessing to the extent that it absolutely humbled and devastated to have received such a direct Word, to begin with...and I was basically beginning to look at is as something which should be sought, in and of itself--receiving word, direct. Receiving prophetic word.

Saul was brought to mind.
And...that was an absolutely humbling and terrifying thought.

Saul was brought to mind, in terms of when he went to a witch to hear from Samuel.

That...oy. That was a terrible, terrible thing.

That was an abomination.

Seeking the Lord for the sake of receiving gifts is...oy.

Seek Him for the sake of WHO HE IS.

Because He's sovereign and awesome and glorious and majestic and wonderful and loving and just and righteous and holy. Because He is who He is. He is I AM.

He's worthy of all honor and praise and worship and glory and service and surrender and devotion because He is who He is.

And...for all He has done. Because of who He is.

So, prophecy or prophetic word moreso, when it does come from the Lord...is another call to bow in reverential fear and worship of the Lord. It's a call to be in awe of His majesty. Not to glorify self, for having received or been given.

In true course, it's all the more humbling. Seek the Lord, not his prophets.
Although it can and has helped a lot to be edified in the Word...again, it's an humbling experience, as edifying to the Lord.

Last night has been humbling, the more I pray about it.

Something which comes to mind, and has been mentioned multiple times in recent weeks, was His conversation with Elijah. As in 1 Kings 19, referenced by Paul in Romans 11. Elijah got to the point where he felt like he was the only one remaining who served the Lord, in spirit and in truth, and he was set to rights by the Lord. He sought to serve the Lord--was "jealous for Him," or as I read it...jealous on His behalf, seeing such abominations as were going on. But the Lord, Himself, set Elijah back to work and let him know that He, Himself, had kept to Himself a remnant of 7,000.

Back to work, it was. Not to sit in fear or in self-concern, or even in concern over the state of matters. But to continue the work given him.

And there are most whom I've heard exegete this bit of scripture who take up a mocking stance, over Elijah, that he had gotten to the point where he felt himself so very set apart to the Lord that he could no longer conceive of anyone else being in such a state of sanctification. There's generally been the consideration of it, given by preachers, as though the Lord rebuked Him with a sort of hardness in proclaiming that Elijah wasn't alone--in the sense that "You think you're so holy? Well, I have 7,000 others I've kept, so tell me again--who are you?"

When I read it myself, though...that doesn't really seem to be it. Angels had been ministering to Elijah, in his defeat and exhaustion. He'd just fulfilled a great work unto the Lord, destroying all the false prophets/priests of Jezebel. He was broken. He was overcome. He was seeking refuge and respite. And angels came to nourish his body, when he was so weak as to ask the Lord to die...that he was no better than anyone who had died before him, such that he should be permitted to longer live.
And he went to the mount of the Lord, it says.

He sought refuge in the Lord, when death wasn't given. For there were those who sought his life, and he felt alone and without refuge except for that of the Lord.

And the Lord came to him, asking him what he was doing. The Lord revealed Himself to Elijah, then. In his brokenness and desperation and uncertainty and his belief that all he'd done was failure, even as he had so sought the will of the Lord that he felt himself as jealous on the Lord's behalf.
The rebuke was so gentle, though. If there truly was any rebuke in what the Lord told him.
He told Elijah what to do, directly. In Elijah's weakness, the Lord came in strength to directly order his steps. And, finally, with a statement that he not feel hopeless as being alone in service to the Lord--there were 7,000 whom the Lord, Himself, had kept!

That, to me, is a message of hope. To be told that he wasn't alone, in his service before the Lord. To be so blatantly told that he wasn't the only one...when his heart of hearts desired that all should serve the Lord? That...rather than being a rebuke, seems more an edification.

It must have strengthened Elijah's heart, going back out in the Lord's service, to be able to reflect that the Lord's remnant was sound and kept by the Lord, Himself.

This, as opposed to what I hear everywhere...a permutation of pride which looks into the Word seeing itself, rather than the Lord. If your heart desires to see itself as individually holy before the Lord, above all others, then so would one see it of others. Unto envy. Unto covetousness. Unto mockery for one who is seemingly rebuked for that sort of mentality.

But, I don't know.

Maybe there was a slight bit of gentle reproof, in the commandments and proclamation of the Lord, given to Elijah in that moment. What I see, though, what I read...is love and ministry unto one who was weak and beaten and seeking refuge from the world, in the only place refuge and succour can be found--in the Lord.

I don't know, though. Just...when I hear folks mocking the reproof of prophets and of Israel, it just seems like they're out for blood which isn't theirs to have. We all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.

I see my own faults, my own foibles, my own rebellion, my own disobedience, in all the old stories, in all the new. And know it's only by the grace of God that I can be humbled by that awareness, given that I'd never known it before. I'd never seen my own rebellion and disobedience in that of the nation of Israel being brought out of Egypt, until these past few months. But it's there.

So, there's all the more reason to pray, when folks shake their heads in wonder over how the Israelites could be "so blind" and "so ignorant" and "so ungrateful." Because we've all done it, in one way or another. Only self-righteousness claims otherwise, as it once did within me.

And I have to keep that in mind. I have to always remember that nothing anyone else has ever done or ever does is anything which is different from the rebellions and disobedience which I'd been so caught up in.

It's only grace that's saved me. Jesus has saved me, and it's not by anything I did. The Father draws us to salvation, even. Not of works, lest any man should boast.

So, it's all the more reason to pray, as to see it and recognize it as what was once my own. The wages of sin is death, regardless of what the sin is...to break the least of the law is to break it all.

I just pray that He shows the same mercy upon them as He did upon me, in opening eyes to being so very lost. Even as I still pray over His new mercies, every day--that I can become more aware as to know and repent of that which still abides in error, within me...and those acts which are outside of His will, which are still to be repented of. Because I don't know, unless He shows me. I don't know how disobedient I've been, unless He reveals it to me. Through prayer and reading the Bible and listening to His ministers of the Word.

Whatever there is, to be revealed unto repentance for us all.

Translation, in terms of salvation, as presented by the pastor the other night. I'd been querying over it. The term has gone round and round, as it applies to sanctification, and the pastor explained it in terms which made sense. He related to the term as used in scripture, in terms of the way Roman civilization proceeded. They would conquer an area, take folks into bondage, bring them into slavery, take them into their civilization and translate them into their culture. They would be translated in the sense that they would be shaped and molded to conform to the culture they were then a part of, having been effectively removed from their former culture--regardless of whether they were still in company of others who were from the prior culture, they were translated into adopting the new culture as their own.

And I can't but imagine it a gradual process.

Sanctification has been the same. Being translated into the Kingdom of God, having been delivered from darkness, redeemed unto repentance, and forgiven of our sins.

It's a miracle, it really is. Salvation is a miracle.
New creatures.

So, as far as prophetic word goes, it's not even secondary. And it has to be judged, every bit as much as anything else. Every time. All the time.

Always.

When I'd first come back to visit, prior to moving, someone told me they saw a vision of me on a platform in front of a large...field, he said it. He said it looked like a stadium.
The next time, when I came back, he said it had been a vision of me in a field, with all sorts of children, all around. And I was teaching. He told me his interpretation--that I was to be a children's minister. A children's pastor, he said.

Two things, though. Or three, really.
1) If it's from God, of God, then it'll come to pass.
2) If it's from God, He'll open the doors and it'll be howsoever He decrees.
3) Visions are often representative/metaphorical, even as they can be literal.

So, I'm not concerned about it. If it's the Lord's will that I should minister, literally, to children...then, so be it. If it's His will that I should minister to spiritual children, then so be it.
If it's His will that I should minister in any capacity, beyond that which is, then so be it.

But it certainly won't be by my will or by my design/plan. My will has ever led to destruction. My plans have ever led to defeat and further realized need for increased surrender to His will.

So, rather than going down that path again, I'll wait on the Lord.

Because trying to force something into being, just because someone thinks it's of the Lord or in the Lord's will...? Yeah, not so much.

His will is done, ultimately regardless of what we do. He's sovereign.
So, if He wants me in a more blatant form of ministry, His will be done.
My only place is to seek Him and do as He bids, as He orders steps and makes the path straight.

Not to shrink or shirk. No.
And given the expenditures of will and energy which I'd put out in so many directions, before, to be able to walk in His will is far preferable. Even as it means surrendering everything. Patience was never something I'd excelled in, but waiting on the Lord is an honor.

For months, it kept being "Be still, and know that I am God." Now, it's "wait on the Lord."
A very subtle shift. Still, of the same.

To be still, and know He is God. Then, so knowing, to wait on Him.

Psalm 46 to Psalm 27.
Much of the same, yet so much more.

So, whatever the vision I'm awaiting now, the Lord is the same.
And He is my strength and refuge. He is my salvation and my light.

One day, unto the next, as He so wills. And all else, amen.

To seek Him, not visions. To seek Him, not exegesis.
Even as those can be part of the process, the paramount call is to seek Him.
To glorify Him in all things.
And He is faithful and just and true.
Loving and merciful and holy.

Oh, praise the Lord, forever!