Something new?

Oh, Praise the Lord!

He is so awesome. He does so many wonderful things, always. And He explains things so very thoroughly and so very well and in such amazing ways!

All the many things being tentatively grasped were just so succinctly and powerfully wound together in a sermon provided by a brother who ministers in a Baptist church in Kentucky, whose ministry the Lord has extended to provide through television broadcast. Every Tuesday night, although it never crosses my mind except that my stepmother often remembers to tune in and I wander through.

We sit and watch and listen and praise the Lord together, and it's wonderful to hear the Gospel so boldly pronounced. He made a point of mentioning that the best commentary on the Bible is the Bible (which was something wandered through as unto testimony, a few days ago...even as my understanding is so very brief, as just to my own witness). And outlined the ways in which the scripture is the Word of God, it is the Word of Christ. Sufficient for all things necessary as guidance.
And of how Christ was from the beginning, even as He was born into time through Mary. How He is the Creator--all things created were created by Him, nothing was created without Him. And how He is the one who delivers us, translates us, redeems us, and forgives us. Through the power of His crucifixion, death, resurrection, and ascension to sit at the right hand of the Father.

And the preacher brought Word from Old and New Testament, all to the same Gospel...to the same good news of Christ.

It was wonderful. HE is Wonderful.

I'd been so getting caught up on the process of His work in me, regarding all that happened in February through May, particularly. There were so many things going on, all seemingly at once, and so the chronology has still been a bit loosely interwoven in my mind. Same as to how I kept getting confused about confessing Jesus as Savior and Lord in 2010, but not accepting salvation as a work of grace until 2012. I kept getting the timeline confused, because it all seems so infinitely interwoven and there are so many things which were occurring around that progress. So, so many things.

And then to begin to openly profess Him as Lord of my life in truth and spirit, a couple months ago. Which seems like just yesterday.

I'd been wondering about what the weird period was between surrendering the conceit of self-sufficiency, then beginning to crave sanctification, unto repentance and being changed, then to the long process of forgiveness (forgiving self has been such a battle--ultimately repented of and surrendered to Him). Having been redeemed, so to be forgiven.

And the timeline probably isn't really significant, but there's just this pressing compulsion to line it out. Which make take some time, really.

It took time to complete, so taking time to record the process makes sense.

And I don't know why.

But it's been something which has been on my heart for the past six months--to record my testimony.
And the accounts thus far given have been entirely brief. If I were to record every moment from which revelation has been received, as to my deliverance from things which were actively seeking to mire me without my awareness except as to note oddity at the time...? Yeah, that would be a novel and a half.

Because so many things have become clear. So many things which have ever caught my attention, yet without understanding except as to wonder for them seeming...particularly fascinating for some reason. So many conversations, bits and pieces, and so many incidents.

All of which just springs randomly to mind, but in a wholly new context now seen.

So many things to give thanks for, continually.

And, again--I believe it's so for everyone.
When you desire to further praise the Lord, so many things become new reason for worship.

...the old things are passed away, and all things are become new.

There are so many things I ask Him about, still. If anything, the insatiable curiosity which has always driven me onward has become even more insatiable for receiving such vital and continual and constant result. Being curious of Him. And curious of His ways. And of all things about Him.

And, still knowing so little...it's always humbling to realize that no matter how much I learn, there will ever be so much more. He is infinite. His ways are unknowable--He exceeds comprehension. Yet, every little bit I glimpse just makes me want so much more.

That, to me, is love. Constantly being fulfilled and wanting more and knowing that it will always continue as such. Fulfillment unto a desire for more, then to be fulfilled and again crave more. Yet, not with a desperation. With hope. Full of hope.

Even as love is so much more.

So much more.

It's companionship. It's understanding. It's acceptance. And affectionate regard.
Desiring good and enacting it.

Giving without requirement. Asking without expectation. Full of hope and joy and peace and compassion and patience and humility and all things good.

Unconditional.

I've sought to find and to express unconditional love, all my life. And it's found in Jesus. Him, alone.

He's everything, to me. Everything.

He's rescued me from absolute despair, so many times. Pulled me out of pits so deep that I couldn't even begin to believe in a way out. And kept death from claiming me as its own, so many times as it's tried.

I'm His. He is mine.
And the opportunities for interacting with my brothers and sisters in that fellowship with Christ have been more wonderful than words can express. Just to share in His love, for a moment, in word.

The situation I'm in is very strange, to me. As far as circumstances go. There are so many things I keep thinking to do. So many things. But He has to be first.

I can't afford to do otherwise. It would be like suffocation.

Just...having lived the whole "self-sufficient" lifestyle for so many years, and knowing it's something that's physically and financially possible to maintain, if I were so to insist...? It's very humbling to be in this position.

Even to write about it. Because there are aspects thereof which aren't for discussion. One of my pastors discerned them, but it wasn't something I was able to say. And it's all to the good. All to the good.

Even as it's an humbling position to be in. Which is good, in itself.
Humility is absolutely necessary. Absolutely.
Thoughts of self-sufficiency, even, are hurtful.

Because I can't exist apart from Him.
And to try to do so, by stepping out in my own will again?
Travesty.

Just...again--everyone has their own path.

For all I know, I may end up hitchhiking the country at some point.
Or living in a cave somewhere.

Or living in my car (which is by the grace of God, so to steward).

I don't know.
I have absolutely no idea.

I may even be led to join a mission.

I don't know.

All I know is that, right now, I'm here.
And I'm studying, and praying, and attending, and learning, and communing, and fellowshipping, and witnessing, and testifying, and sharing all that is given, to whatever ends and by whatever means are made available for such.

In whatever direction is given.

And I don't understand.
But, I don't have to.

Because He does.
And He's in control.

Just to put things in context, a bit, for the rest of you.
It's still available to move to Key West, or to New Orleans, should I choose.
I could move to either of those places, be with people who have played large roles in my survival at some very pivotal points in life.

All that's required is that I renounce my faith.
Because I couldn't do those things and be in those places and live the life I know I'd end up leading, and still have Jesus as the Lord of my life. Following Him means giving up on those things, because they separated me from His presence. So, the choice has been mine--either experience His presence in my daily walk and in all moments, fellowshipping with Him in all things.

Or go and do the things which were killing me, yet which are what the world deems as desirable.

Not going to happen.
To be able to rest in His love is something which is precious above anything the world had ever offered.

The money, the companionship of like-minded individuals, the pursuits of prestige, of acceptance, of honor, of status, and the pursuit of being able to do anything at any given time...all only fulfilled such a very small part of me, such that there was always still a gaping need which wasn't being filled.
And, even as I never got to the point where I was "big news" or even entirely popular...what bits of those things which I did taste of, in truth, were still paltry and entirely distasteful in comparison with knowing Jesus.

There's no other way to explain it.

I have no other way to explain it.

Just...I could have all the things of the world, and I know it, and have always known it. Only, every time I'd get so far in pursuit of any one of them, the compromises which were required as part of the process of "success" did such damage to who I am...that I couldn't continue any further, or risk dying entirely to self. And, above all else, I've never wanted to wholly compromise who I am.

And who I am, in Christ, is even so much better than who I ever was in the world.
Because I have Him. I have life in Him. And peace. No matter what's going on, ultimately, so long as I remain in Him.

If all I'd ever wanted was fulfillment, why would I compromise that? No matter where He leads me, or what following Him requires, why would I turn away?

It's all I'd ever wanted and so much more that I'd ever imagined possible, as fulfillment which is living in Him. To compromise that would be utterly inconceivable.

So, I know I don't witness well. I know I don't do it according to the standards which people proscribe. I know I don't do it according to the established principles taught in most churches.

But there are so many people who are hurting and lost and afraid. Both inside and outside of churches. So...soooooo...soooooo many people. And I know that there's nothing I can do to convince them, except just to live as a witness and speak as I'm given to do. Because I love them, and because He loves them even more, and because He knows what it takes far better than I.

Just to spend time in His presence always changed me.
Living, now, in His presence is what makes all the difference in every moment.

I'm kind of surprised I'm being able to talk about this, right now. Few and far between, although randomly, has that been something permissible for discussion.

A pivotal moment, though, was one of the last church services at my primary church in Tampa. Communion service.

They did communion differently than was accustomed. Two altars, one on either side of the church--church elders at each, so to pray for and with the recipient as communion was received.
The pastor was administering communion on the side I was sitting, and after receiving communion, I asked him for prayer for direction...for guidance...and for the ability to hear as to be guided. He prayed for us both to receive those things, and as he was praying for me, I felt the Holy Spirit's presence. And asked the Lord, if it were possible, to always be able to feel His presence that way.

He answered that prayer. And the next day at work was entirely surreal. Everything was utterly beautiful as a reason for praise. All the people were so very precious, beyond what had already been considered. And I just couldn't get past my strong desire to just thank Him for everything, and how utterly wonderful He is, and pleading that we should all know Him in such a way as to always feel Him near as such. And, even wondering why it was something which had never been presented as even a possibility to strive for...I asked Him so many things.

More than anything, though, being in His presence just allows all things else which seek to distract to fall into a place of utter inferiority. To the extent that I began to notice that there were certain things which would so take my focus off of Him as to end up separating me from His presence.

Things like listening to certain music, watching television, watching movies, watching the news, reading certain sites (ah, reddit!), and so many other things. But, in comparison with being able to fellowship with Him and learning so much...all that stuff just doesn't even matter.

It does make discernment a lot easier, too, though...to always be in fellowship with the Holy Spirit.

Because it's no longer something which I have to weigh--I just feel how certain things grieve Him, and can immediately begin to pray, and to ask for guidance and direction and deliverance.
Certain such services have resulted in absolute grief, upon passing again into "solitude."

So, if it grieves Him, then...why would I abandon them? They need help. I need help. We all need Jesus.

If no one else will take Him into the midst, then I will. In whatever way He directs me and allows me so to do. Because it's not a matter of going because I want to. It's a matter of doing what's required of me. And, when something grieves the Spirit, that gives cause to pray immediately for direction.

There must be intercession.
He wills that none should perish, and the time is short.
If He were to give it as something so to do, I'd gladly grab a megaphone and go out to each street corner, so to let Him speak.

Absolutely mortifying, as that would be.
Because it's utterly mortifying to speak in front of crowds, despite that it's been done to the thousands. Utterly terrifying. But, in Him are all things possible.

He has distinct callings for each of us, is all. Increasingly, it's just been on my heart that more people are in dire need of baptism with the Holy Spirit. So, I've been praying for that. As many as will receive, as many as can receive, let them begin to so desire and be led to receive.

Because that was something which was received well after having begun to walk with Him, daily. Being blessed to experience His presence daily, all day, was something which preceded baptism of the Holy Spirit.

It was a separate occurrence.

Just...the whole thing is...as far as why no one ever does that..
...no one ever asks.

I just happened upon that desire and did ask, by the grace of God.
He gives me the desires of my heart...because, honestly, I don't even know what to desire. So He gives me the things which are to be desired. He places the desire in my heart, and then I pray to receive.

People seriously need to start asking.

For deliverance. For true repentance (every day, Lord, show me something new!--help me know what else I need to discard as to be nearer to You!). For salvation. For translation. For transformation. For renewal. For His Presence.

Ask and ye shall receive.

Seek and ye shall find.

But you have to ask!
It's His will that we have these things, but He won't force them upon us!

Pray to have the barriers removed. Pray to have a new heart within you and a clear and clean mind before Him. Pray for the ability to receive from Him, freely. Ask Him what you had ought to pray for!

Just talk to Him. Seriously.
He's the best listener I've ever known. In fact, He listens so much more than He usually responds most days...and, in my case at least, it's mostly because I don't stay quiet long enough to listen (not that the writing here would attest to that sort of tendency, of course).

But you might have an entirely different experience. You might hear all sorts of things.
And He never minds being "tested." Given all the spirits which seek to deceive, He actually directs to scripture reading with absolute frequency as a core part of direction and growth and discernment.

Everyone should want the sort of relationship with Him where it's entirely personal. He fulfills every need, even as part of getting to that point of communion requires a lot of change. We tend to distract ourselves and mire ourselves far too much, in this world...and that hinders our ability to hear Him, so very much.

Like...say...if you set an alarm and then sleep with earplugs? You want to hear the alarm, but you're not going to hear it as well as you would if you removed the obstructions.

Any which, that's what it is.
I'd love to hear of similar experiences, as rooted in the Gospel, rooted in the Word.