Lead Me.

I keep praying for direction in what to do next. I know there's something definitive coming, but don't know what, as of yet.

One thing that keeps cropping up, though--I still haven't ever really given testimony and I don't know what sort of a witness I have.

By the grace of God, these days I'm increasingly able to remember to ask for guidance before doing anything. Including writing, as to ask for direction in which ways to go--I don't know, on my own. I could postulate or perambulate on a variety of matters all day.

Some things in particular have been very difficult, lately. There are certain things going on which I have absolutely no control over the development or course of and just being around or in the midst of those circumstances is enough to push me over the line. I can't do it. I just can't. But Christ is strong, in my weakness--I have to continually be reminded of that, and reminded that surrender is the only way. And it works. It always works. The burden is lifted, the trial becomes rest. When I turn to Him and turn it over.

That's been the whole of it, all along--learning to surrender, to a greater and more complete degree.
There's peace there and reassurance. And the things which have become clear to me along the course, through increasing prayer, dwelling in the Word, and studying the works of the anointed...? Mind-boggling and life-altering.

Which is why I've still been wresting control over the idea of a witness.

I desperately desire to do the good work, having been saved...and knowing how completely wonderful it is to walk in the Spirit. I desperately desire that--to do God's will.

These periods of preparation are just so odd, to me. Exercising patience, perfecting faith, increasing knowledge, and developing wisdom--more fully coming to know God and His ways, more fully beginning to trust in Him alone, and be taught how to surrender.

Time and again, I want to just jump right in and begin actively doing whatever it is I'm yearning to do. Only, I can't. Because I'm no longer willing to, without being led to do so.

For now, I don't perceive it's even proper for me to post this. I can write it, and that's all well and good. I can reflect and muse on what's been going on, as though I was going to share...but it's not time nor maybe the place or the way. All I know is that I don't have the green light, so I'm not going to do it.

I thank God for that--for the clarity to discern His guidance. For the blessing which His guidance is, at all. Many are called but few are chosen, after all. And yet, it's His will that none should perish. So, wherein lies the distinction? I'm increasingly led to believe the distinction falls amidst the realm of free will determinations. But, then, God will have mercy and compassion on Whomever He wills to do so--meaning that, no matter which way it goes as to why some receive salvation and others don't...it's not mine to question. He's sovereign, not me. His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts.

He knows are there is, was, or ever will be. And I trust him. I trust in Him. And I trust Him. His will is for our good.

Just...I had a moment a couple weeks ago, in the midst of reading and praying. After having, a few nights prior, a moment in which I realized with absolute clarity and significance quite how true and accurate the existence of God and Satan are.

Satan is so conniving. He keeps us...many...from salvation by having so clouded our vision as for us to be wholly unable to see the very things right in front of our faces. As in the throes of an accident, the initial response is to doubt what's occurring...so is spiritual vision clouded. You can see with absolute clarity that you're approaching a vast and unending gulf...a bottomless chasm...and nearing further to walk over the edge, and yet deny its very existence. It is there, and despite being seeing, it's unseen. The truth of Life is the same. God is God and He has provided the utmost means to salvation--by His unwarranted Mercy, Grace reigns down for those who would accept it.

By way of His Son. Jesus. Who did truly come. Who did walk in the Spirit, as to never sin. Who taught, healed, performed miracles, and all else which our Heavenly Father did direct Him into. Including sacrifice.

He was and is a brilliant man, even as unto God, which He is. Utterly brilliant, all things given to Him. All knowledge which could ever have been desired. Wisdom unending. All things necessary and more, besides.

And He knowingly chose to guide us into the salvation which He then provided by way of sacrificing Himself to become our sin, disease, ill, and unrepentance. Dying horribly, suffering tragically beyond the means which any mortal man could endure or would endure. Then to overcome Death, taking the authority back from the law of sin unto Death, that we have Life when we live in Him.

He arose, ascending to His Father, that we might have life. Everlasting. Now and evermore.

And the truth of it is in Him, yet only in Him. The Way, the Truth, and the Life.

Yet our eyes are generally so clouded that some can't even begin to fathom this. Many are outright offended by it, for various reasons concocted mentally which really arise from the conflict within the soul of sin.

Death wants its own. It doesn't want to release those so far beholden...nor do those committed to the course of death desire otherwise.

Only by the Grace of God are any touched with a light of understanding, in a moment unexpected and unwarranted, as to begin to yearn for something more.

The something more is always God. Always Jesus. Always to know and be known within the Holy Spirit's sweet embrace. Yet we don't know even that much without being shown and told by God, Himself...so very deluded our we within our own mechanisms of self-deceit and attempted distraction.

Without God, having the whole of any other thing sought will never be enough. Joy and peace are God's, alone.

I saw the truth of that, for just a moment. And how it exceeds the bonds of our limited ability to conceive of a thing beyond our control, despite our continued attempts to mimic our Creator. Science is another attempt at drawing nearer to God, yet on our own terms. So very full of promise and yet ultimately incomplete without recognition of the One to whom and from whom all which is does ever come.

He wants us to know Him. In part, we were created for that purpose. To know and be known. To glory.

And yet we mistakenly seek Him in things which turn our eyes from His essence, toward darkness. Only by His guidance can we see Him, then, as our natures are bogged by sin...He is so patient and merciful as to beckon us. And, yet still, some refuse.

A travesty. Utterly.

To know Him is to know love, to know peace, to know security, safety, comfort, joy, enlightenment, knowledge, wisdom, justice, hope, strength, and fulfillment.

Every day a gift, then, an opportunity to increase in love and all things good, as to love Him and others ever more and to serve and uplift Him ever more.

I saw, though, in addition to the inability to see...there's a lack of knowledge. Even many who profess Christ (and this isn't said lightly, but only per the utter conviction and devastation which that revelation conveyed)...don't know the Lord. And have absolutely no idea of it.

I saw, in that moment...a great darkness, anguish, suffering...and people rushing into it without any awareness, whatsoever. They had no idea of the Love they could have and had no idea of the torment they were only beginning to taste. No idea.

Only by the Grace of God do I know. At all. Nothing of or through or by me.

But to see them...so many...wandering listlessly into that despair, while hope yet sought them for its own...? Heart-rending.

And yet, -I- can't do anything. Only God can, and I just prayed and pray and will continue to ardently pray that He continues to have Mercy on as many as can be saved. Whatever can be done.

Anything.

Jesus gave us the way, He is the way. We just have to know that. And we have to get to know Him.
Those who have His Spirit...the Holy Spirit...are His. Those, alone.

We must strive to know the Holy Spirit--strive to be led by Him. Strive to invite Him in. Accepting Jesus as Savior begins the process. At that point of sincere acceptance of our incapacity and His limitless ability, we first receive the Spirit. That relationship must be developed.

Maybe what it comes down to is, in essence, the nature of what belief is.