God is sovereign.
The enemy just seeks to steal, kill, and destroy.
Steal hope, peace, and conviction...kill faith, devotion, and certainty (of belief, especially)...destroy diligence, love, and desire for obedience (even as unto obedience).
We are to be innocent of evil, not even needing truly to know its ways, so much as just to be able to recognize when more ardently to pray, seeking God more devoutly as not to be led astray, even turning away from temptation and distraction and unto God. Our Good Shepherd leads even in these things, unto deliverance and deeper conviction and greater faith.
Working in us to will and to do, even according to His good pleasure.
Image to image, glory to glory...transformed.
The attacks of recent have been very broad, yet concerted and no less insidious for being so broad.
It seems the temptations which are the most subtle are the ones which seek to most readily lead astray, into error--even if just as apathy.
Ultimately, the attacks of recent have basically amounted to another attempt to persuade a slowing of ardent desire for God, a tempering of devotion and desire, a mitigation of continued pursuit.
Along various lines.
It hadn't even become utterly apparent until wandering across something yesterday which mentioned that one of the standard tactics used is to convince or persuade the believer that there's no further cause for such diligent pursuit, that as much as has been experienced has been the pinnacle and there's no further such peak to attain, such that "wouldn't it be better to just be satisfied with what's already known, already undertaken, already experienced, already been given," as it surely would do no greater, continued good to continue such a fervent pace.
Even then given a multitude of reasons against such devotion. Fatigue, incapability of maintaining devotion at such a level of intensity, and even cajoling whatever lingers of self-preservation to assert itself in terms of tempting desire to refrain from perhaps entering into further trial.
That lattermost is one which has been entirely recurrent.
Alongside any prayer for greater faith, for deeper devotion, for unmeasured surrender...
...all known impossible, except that all things are possible for God...
...then, after such a desire has been continually expounded before the Lord...
...then seems to come an attempt to tempt to anxiety, in terms of "you don't even know what you're asking for--you have no idea what will be entailed...even as much as all the trials may have come before, then what more would be part of passing into such a thing as this?"
Reminders of loss, of uncertainty, of pain, of terror, of being in positions which were entirely impossible...and of how easily each one could have utterly fallen apart, had anything gone even a slight bit differently--had speech been even a bit different, had action varied even slightly...
...and there's a certain level of truth contained within those such temptations, which makes them all the more insidious...
...but they all fail to take account of who God is.
Period.
That no matter what would come...
...it doesn't matter...
...because the fact of the matter is that we are--each one of us--utterly incapable of overcoming and navigating through...
...and yet, He is wholly far more than capable of keeping us. Directing us.
He will keep us. He will be the one who navigates the deep waters. He will be the one who keeps the flame from resting upon us.
For, every time...
...every time...
...every time the enemy has come in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord has raised a standard against him, driving him out violently as though driven out by the very breath of God.
He does this.
So, it doesn't matter that we don't know what we ask for, because He does. And if He has given to ask, then it is His will that we ask and continue to ask...even as it's His good pleasure to give us the kingdom, and does give the Holy Spirit to those who ask...
...then so also does He protect and guide and preserve us, even as we are refined in the fire. He refines us. For we will all be salted with fire.
The point is, though, those attempts to dissuade from continued, ardent pursuit of Christ are a lie.
He keeps all who are His. Period. And even as He calls us, He does justify us. Even unto sanctification, each according to His will.
So why be dissuaded? He is sovereign of all, and He is infinite and eternal, so the riches to be found in Him are without limit. There is no pinnacle which is the ultimate peak, but one unto the next--everlasting, progressive without end!
So, what nonsense is doubt! He can banish that as easily as the legion of the Gadarenes.
Because He is, and not only is He, but He is sovereign of all--regardless whether acknowledged or not, at present! He endures much with patience, perhaps, is all.
Allowing us, so oft, to merely have what we would choose to want...even instead of Him. Knowledge of Him entails far more a response than a mere nod, given what His existence implies unto creature beings. So what if many rebel? He knows and allows it, with far more grace and mercy and patience than even begins to be comprehensible.
But not always, is all.
He is sufficient unto all, though. Exceeding.
And no matter what temptations might come to any of us, He overcame and we are overcomers through Him, through Christ Jesus.
So, it should be an encouragement then, not an impediment in any way...to see that temptation would mount such a concerted attack. That God would be glorified as such temptation is overcome by an even greater desire for Him, to know Him and His ways and be wholly surrendered to His will. Regardless whether it makes sense, in the natural.
But for sake of who He is. Trusting. Loving. Being so loved. Desiring obedience even near as much as desiring Him.
All the more, these things desired...for having endured temptation which would again seek to dissuade from continuation.
We all encounter this, these temptations...in varied ways. Recognizing them can help one see the need to then and immediately draw nearer to God.
Even as that could ought be a continual process, nonetheless.
One thing I lament, of the past many months...
...I've been so slack in communicating with Him.
Prayer, yes. Talking at Him.
Spending time silently in His presence.
Spending time studying His word.
Learning of Him.
Fellowshipping with those who also know Him.
But not communing with Him, fellowshipping with Him, so much.
I miss that sorely, yet seem powerless even to correct it.
Prayer continues.
He knows.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Various further reflection: He Is, and He Has Not Changed
I'd almost forgotten a temptation that's been trying to sneak in, all amongst the midst of this all, of late. A direly insidious one which would have seemed to've been put to death a while back, given the reality of conversion.
Which, perhaps that's a better preface, for now.
There is a vast, distinct, wholly remarkable difference to life now, from what it was. And one which isn't of my own making, manufacture...capability for having wrought. One internal which is yet working out and through all my ways of thinking and being, having begun at core, last year.
This particular injury, right now, of my back...has brought many things to remembrance, in terms of the vast difference between life then and now, even as perceived.
I'd tried for years...years and years...to find a lasting peace. To forge a secure sense of well-being. To establish some unwavering sense of meaningful existence, according to my understanding of how the world works and what the pinnacles of success truly are.
And no matter which direction, it was all ultimately insufficient to keep me buouyed above a continuously burgeoning sense of depression, despondency, meaninglessness.
Because the thing is--everything I tried, ultimately the only meaning to be found in a given pursuit was only potentially of one of three sources: inherent, socially ascribed, or personally ascribed.
Inherent value of any given endeavor was comprehensively, cumulatively incapable of establishing a sense of meaning sufficient to fully extend to the scope of what life entails.
Each activity unto the next, no matter how appealing, ultimately only equated to a series of activities. Disjointed, even if cumulative in some sense as "progressing" to other levels of involvement--still, then, only more of the same with a different face and finite functionality.
Socially ascribed value was only as fundamentally worthwhile as any-present ability to maintain concern and conviction, individual, for those things which society lauds. Again and again, meaning faltered in the face of an inherent inability to overcome the trials and sheer single-mindedness (at any cost-mentality) entailed in maintaining such a stance as not inherently found fulfilling.
Personal attribution was only so capable of fulfillment as any-present ability to maintain such sense of stability as allowed for continued attribution. As circumstances conspiring to life continually shifted drastically in ways which wholly exhibited truth of personal inacapacity from controlling and predicting the all of reality...then so shifted and disintegrated the illusion of being able to ultimately give and maintain sense of fulfillment, regardless how preliminarily appealing were any particular.
Internal instability, wrought per continued frustration, abuse, and outright chaos of circumstance, continual...gave lie to the idea that even intentionally instituted and continuously undertaken attempts at "maintaining" were beyond personal control.
Even up to that point, last January, having come through to find that I wasn't capable of fully effecting my will without being changed into something utterly contradictory to the then-projected idea of self...utter devastation and despair...unto injury. Then sickness. Then the incapacitation of a back injury so unexpected and severe and to make walking impossible...
...to, in midst of at least a day into that process...
...I finally came to terms with the fact that no matter how well I might try, no matter how much I might think I know about circumstances at any point, and no matter how vast is my resource base for knowledge and contact...
...I was still utterly incapable of doing anything but waiting to see what would happen.
Either call an ambulance or wait. And I couldn't bear the thought of having put my then-roommate in position of having to pay for the door...
...so I waited. And waited.
And still couldn't figure a way to make it not just to the door...but to unlock the door...and knowing that impossible, given I couldn't sit up, let alone stand...
...there was no way I could make it down three flights of stairs without further injuring myself.
So, all I could do was admit defeat.
Except to call on someone else to help me, I was incapable of doing anything. And at best, if I did go to the hospital, then what? I had no insurance. My roommate had no car. And I had next to no money, at that point, and so absolutely had to find gainful employ or face serious difficulty.
It seemed entirely impossible. If I couldn't walk, couldn't sit up, and yet absolutely had to find gainful employ, ASAP...there seemed absolutely no way forward.
Which...even the idea of a wheelchair: three flights of stair. Not workable.
And I needed to move out, moreover.
And needed to have so many things done, which I just had no idea even how to begin.
Just...in that moment, after a full day of wracking my brain for some means of making all the pieces fit into place and finding that there seemed no way, whatsoever...just for, at the very least, having no idea what the deal with my injury was as to whether I'd even be able to walk again, in terms of what that would mean...for all proceeding..
...not knowing that one basic thing: would I be able to walk again?
...made it impossible to plan. So, meaning was gone. Capability was gone. And it seemed wholly impossible to know anything about what was to come, except for knowing absolutely everything was totally unknowable.
And at that point, realizing there was nothing I could do--railing against the idea of such pervasive uncertainty, but ultimately reaching a point of accepting nothing could be done to change it, so rather it be best just to accept truth...
...at that point, same as the shock and dismay began to settle in, then also came thought of God.
Even though I didn't know...He did. All the things I did not know...He knows. He knew.
And it occurred to me that, same as He knew precisely the situation as a whole, then He was also the one who knew precisely how it would work out, and that He was fully well capable of making ways where there are none.
And it was as though all the despair, all the fear (abject terror, really), all the despondency and grief...just evaporated.
Just given realization that God is in control, and I am not. Not even of my own life, truly.
Because, even as there are those who might mock that as seemingly a juvenile, escapist mentality--thing is...it's true. Anything otherwise is just arrogance, borne of a rebellious spirit and pride--same as I labored under for all my life, increasingly (despite even moments of somewhat clarity, per grace), up to that point.
Meaning isn't possible outside of sincerely acknowledging God exists, is the thing. He is the only which is Holy, truly apart...sufficiently also objective and wholly unchanging as to be capable of constituting and thereby instilling absolute meaning. So, the freedom there...also is so vast.
As unwavering.
None other is unwavering, as it's all dependent upon awareness, recognition, acknowledgment, acceptance, realization...and ultiamtely and inherently...maintenance as such.
He's self-sufficient, though. He, alone, is self-sufficient. Thus unwavering, capable of being unchanging...immutable...meaningful.
Anything which could thence have meaning would only do so, in relation to who He is, otherwise the meaning is only superficially ascribed, transitory, as dependent upon finite expressions of understanding which yet are just that--finite, incomplete, themselves passing and changing, even if "developing."
But without a solid, unwavering foundation, anything derived thus inherently is only so sound as that from whence it has derived.
He is the only possible such solid foundation, being self-sufficient, wholly self-contained, thus unaffected by change...unaffected by anything outside Himself, ultimately. Such is sovereignty. Such is supremacy.
Such is justice.
So, it only follows that all things are subject to Him.
Period. Regardless seeming indifference or disdain. Any rebellion which exists can only do so according to His allowance, having been made an allotment for, per His sovereign design. According to His will, then, as permitted. Even if seeming contradictory to Him, then only allowed to occur per His allowance.
Love would be so accepting. Even as love rejected will have what it chooses. Love despised is choosing, per such action, to hate. Choosing, rather than love...hate. And He allows us what we choose, per such munificence as utterly confounds my ability to conceive.
Not that love dies, but the flame consumes that which is not like itself, or some...rather than purifies. Same fire, is all.
We are allowed our choice, through Christ. Whose coming and sacrifice, death and resurrection...even the stars proclaim, so that no one might claim ignorance, but only acceptance or rejection.
We all have the same choice.
Just...in that moment of realizing my incapacity, realizing my limitation...simultaneously receiving realization of His utter supremacy...
...I ceased fighting against truth, in terms of God's sovereignty.
I had, prior, wanted to consider myself sovereign of at least my own life, my own sphere of influence. But that's just not so. And He let me see the truth of that, so many ways, through so many faulty pursuits and attempts at instituting meaning apart from Him, apart from acknowledging His sovereignty and the simultaneous realization of my own then-subjection.
Even as it took a full month, after that point...or maybe longer than a month...with thoughts of Christ, of Jesus...coming to mind, again and again..
...that He is Lord. He is God. Even Incarnate.
...finding, each time thought of His Lordship came to mind, simultaneous resentment and revulsion arose within my heart. Until, eventually, some point came where a fear began to arise in realizing myself utterly despising Christ.
I despaired of that, wordlessly.
And then, eventual came a point where fear gave way to somewhat complacency, then to consternation at even being set against truth. Such that in that moment, one day, when thought of Christ as God, as Lord of all...of Lord of my life and all I am...when that thought came, and the revulsion and resentment arose against Him, against the idea of being subject to Him...of not being sovereign, apart from Him unto my own will...
...as that revulsion arose, then that consternation arose with utter fire, despising even that I should despise truth. And it came a thought that, "He's Lord of all, including me, and whether I like it or not, it doesn't change the fact of the matter, so whether I come to terms with it now or hereafter, it's no less true, so I may as well just accept it and get over it and get used to it, now!" With all due anger at being so opposed to truth.
And that revulsion died, on the spot. That resentment died, on the spot. Extinguished, without even a wisp of smoke to mark the passing.
And gave way to a peace, a further peace...even as though another burden had been lifted. As though I could breathe more freely, for having been let go from some dire uncertainty and anxiety which had nothing to do with reality, all the while.
And how long was it then, till I saw Him? Not in the physical sense of seeing. But stricken. Completely stricken.
Driving. Praying. Talking to Him, in some manner more direct than I'd ever done before, although still so unable to even speak His name, in truth. Just stricken, witnessing Him on the cross.
Have you any conception how pure He is? Our Christ.
Wholly untainted by the world.
Wholly untainted by all our pettiness and deceits.
Wholly full of love and desire for good.
Wholly loving.
And utterly, completely, absolutely, fully aware. Even all the while, there.
Even as though He beheld me, and I knew it, while He hung there in agony.
I saw nothing of God's wrath exhausted upon Him, although all of theology at present says this is the case. What I saw was my sin being borne. One so pure, so untouched by malice and hatred and envy and lust and greed and self-interest...then mocked, shamed...beaten, despised...crucified...even as by me...and my sin, upon Him...
...and in that moment, I wanted to despise myself, except for His love.
But I did despise my sin. Loathed it. Wanted it gone, wholly and in full, never to be returned to, borne, looked upon, or considered. All of it.
...but His love.
And I can't even bear, really, to look fully into that memory, now. There are vague bits around the edges here which are relayed a bit fuzzy, because I can't bear to look. There are points of distinction in terms of the way of what was witnessed which aren't quite well described, not precisely relayed as they were, but as near as present-capability for returning to that glimpse constitutes.
I don't remember how I got wherever I was going. I don't remember where I was going or coming from. All I know is that seeing Him changed absolutely everything, and it wasn't something contrived, it wasn't something expected, it wasn't even something particularly desired--I didn't even know to want for such a thing, having only even begun to come to walk in light of what it means for Him to be Lord of my life, in truth...and barely comprehending even that (yet still, really).
But it happened. Reminiscent of an experience in a church, two years prior. Only...with the weight of my culpability come to bear, even willingly borne by Him, unto abject despair at doing anything except devoting myself in full to only Him and wanting nothing else, forever, in that moment. For, He, alone is worthy. And He is imminently and incomprehensibly worthy.
There were no words, though, then.
No words. But a wealth of experience.
Just to see Him, then, and I don't even know what He looks like. That's what I least understand about the experience. There was seeing in some visceral sense which yet didn't somehow necessarily entail sight. And I don't understand.
But whatever. I don't have to.
Because, really, it's none of my business except that He leads and ordains and shapes according to His will. It has nothing to do with me, except in terms of whatever is His will. And who I am is nothing more than He would have. Same as any.
We're all only who He would have willed and/or allowed us to be. Not according to our own will, even as grace restrains us from such depravity as we would otherwise more fully enhabit. He restrains us from going to the depths, in most instance. Perhaps in all. I don't know quite what the depths of depravity constitute, as to whether even one so...openly malicious as Hitler...might perhaps yet have had the influence of some restraining grace, difficult as that may be to fathom.
Mengele?
It's gut-wrenching to really contemplate we would all go to such lengths, except that we are restrained by grace. According to His design.
None seek God, after all.
Even those who think they do...unless they are drawn by God, Himself, are in fact seeking to fashion Him into their own image, as found according to understanding, rather than as He would reveal Himself. How else could we expect to know Him, after all, except that He reveals Himself to our insensate faculties?...even ever having once turned away from the apparent revelation of Him, as displayed even per His creation? Refusing to know Him on His own terms, in other words, we effectively refuse Him.
All this, though, just to make remark of the most recent bits of nonsense that have attempted to derail. In the midst of physical weakness, then comes temptation to doubt.
Which is absurd.
Seriously.
I remember the despair I used to labor under. I remember that I wasn't even aware there could be any relief, except to make it become something else--to reshape it into another image, more compatible with desires. I remember the sense of hopelessness, drudgery, as the best which seemed to be hoped for was only self-indulgence of various tendencies to interact, wanting meaningful communication, and always finding it too short. Somehow just short of what was desired, but too deep was the fear of rejection to allow for anything else. Rejection merely per incapability of relaying precisely what was ever intended, so rejection merely per lack of total understanding.
No solace, then, of that. And a lack of overt trying in many matters. Especially spiritual.
Because, especially, with as constantly plagued and beset by depression as I was--why was there even a point in attempting to share? Particularly also because what sharing had been undertaken found a silence which was more resounding and striking than would have been mockery. More unsettling.
Not even a refutation. Just a total refusal to acknowledge what was blatantly seen.
So I stopped showing. And when other matters of a somewhat similar nature came about, evidenced and many ways continually tested to ascertain consistency... ...I again shared of them, even unto drawing someone (deplorably, wretchedly) in alongside.
And that didn't foster any further sense of fulfillment, either. So, forsaken. Even as a couple had rejected, then the one who joined in was no less unsettling.
Either way, it doesn't matter now to note the particulars. Just to say that there are more things which the Lord allows than would make sense, except to know His omnipotence is truth.
There's not been a restriction. Even as not all things believed are true, also still, many truths aren't seem for a lack of belief. Period. Same as ever.
Except that His will be done and He will have His portion, regardless our lack of faith and belief...there fair wouldn't even still be regeneration, for such a lack of knowledge of who He truly is. Even as there are those who do know Him.
Without having imposed self-conceived limitations so to maintain a "safe space" which doesn't challenge self and independent understanding, as sought per understanding the understanding of others, rather than of God.
I'm not sure what part of "in those days I will teach them myself" we really haven't quite grasped. It's pretty straightforward, in context, and even as cited in New Testament epistles.
He's who He is, though, regardless whether we believe. And He does what is His will, regardless whether we're willing to acknowledge it as such. He still works His wonders. He still does all He has ever done, and so ofter He was ever wont to do new things. So, does He not do so, still?
There are passages, even, which I've never heard anyone touch on. Strange things which are fascinating. Things which give context and imply varied interpretations for bits which oft seem otherwise resorted to as though inherently meaningful, without context of the whole. But there's not that. All is all. In part and whole. Not divisible.
Which, perhaps that's a better preface, for now.
There is a vast, distinct, wholly remarkable difference to life now, from what it was. And one which isn't of my own making, manufacture...capability for having wrought. One internal which is yet working out and through all my ways of thinking and being, having begun at core, last year.
This particular injury, right now, of my back...has brought many things to remembrance, in terms of the vast difference between life then and now, even as perceived.
I'd tried for years...years and years...to find a lasting peace. To forge a secure sense of well-being. To establish some unwavering sense of meaningful existence, according to my understanding of how the world works and what the pinnacles of success truly are.
And no matter which direction, it was all ultimately insufficient to keep me buouyed above a continuously burgeoning sense of depression, despondency, meaninglessness.
Because the thing is--everything I tried, ultimately the only meaning to be found in a given pursuit was only potentially of one of three sources: inherent, socially ascribed, or personally ascribed.
Inherent value of any given endeavor was comprehensively, cumulatively incapable of establishing a sense of meaning sufficient to fully extend to the scope of what life entails.
Each activity unto the next, no matter how appealing, ultimately only equated to a series of activities. Disjointed, even if cumulative in some sense as "progressing" to other levels of involvement--still, then, only more of the same with a different face and finite functionality.
Socially ascribed value was only as fundamentally worthwhile as any-present ability to maintain concern and conviction, individual, for those things which society lauds. Again and again, meaning faltered in the face of an inherent inability to overcome the trials and sheer single-mindedness (at any cost-mentality) entailed in maintaining such a stance as not inherently found fulfilling.
Personal attribution was only so capable of fulfillment as any-present ability to maintain such sense of stability as allowed for continued attribution. As circumstances conspiring to life continually shifted drastically in ways which wholly exhibited truth of personal inacapacity from controlling and predicting the all of reality...then so shifted and disintegrated the illusion of being able to ultimately give and maintain sense of fulfillment, regardless how preliminarily appealing were any particular.
Internal instability, wrought per continued frustration, abuse, and outright chaos of circumstance, continual...gave lie to the idea that even intentionally instituted and continuously undertaken attempts at "maintaining" were beyond personal control.
Even up to that point, last January, having come through to find that I wasn't capable of fully effecting my will without being changed into something utterly contradictory to the then-projected idea of self...utter devastation and despair...unto injury. Then sickness. Then the incapacitation of a back injury so unexpected and severe and to make walking impossible...
...to, in midst of at least a day into that process...
...I finally came to terms with the fact that no matter how well I might try, no matter how much I might think I know about circumstances at any point, and no matter how vast is my resource base for knowledge and contact...
...I was still utterly incapable of doing anything but waiting to see what would happen.
Either call an ambulance or wait. And I couldn't bear the thought of having put my then-roommate in position of having to pay for the door...
...so I waited. And waited.
And still couldn't figure a way to make it not just to the door...but to unlock the door...and knowing that impossible, given I couldn't sit up, let alone stand...
...there was no way I could make it down three flights of stairs without further injuring myself.
So, all I could do was admit defeat.
Except to call on someone else to help me, I was incapable of doing anything. And at best, if I did go to the hospital, then what? I had no insurance. My roommate had no car. And I had next to no money, at that point, and so absolutely had to find gainful employ or face serious difficulty.
It seemed entirely impossible. If I couldn't walk, couldn't sit up, and yet absolutely had to find gainful employ, ASAP...there seemed absolutely no way forward.
Which...even the idea of a wheelchair: three flights of stair. Not workable.
And I needed to move out, moreover.
And needed to have so many things done, which I just had no idea even how to begin.
Just...in that moment, after a full day of wracking my brain for some means of making all the pieces fit into place and finding that there seemed no way, whatsoever...just for, at the very least, having no idea what the deal with my injury was as to whether I'd even be able to walk again, in terms of what that would mean...for all proceeding..
...not knowing that one basic thing: would I be able to walk again?
...made it impossible to plan. So, meaning was gone. Capability was gone. And it seemed wholly impossible to know anything about what was to come, except for knowing absolutely everything was totally unknowable.
And at that point, realizing there was nothing I could do--railing against the idea of such pervasive uncertainty, but ultimately reaching a point of accepting nothing could be done to change it, so rather it be best just to accept truth...
...at that point, same as the shock and dismay began to settle in, then also came thought of God.
Even though I didn't know...He did. All the things I did not know...He knows. He knew.
And it occurred to me that, same as He knew precisely the situation as a whole, then He was also the one who knew precisely how it would work out, and that He was fully well capable of making ways where there are none.
And it was as though all the despair, all the fear (abject terror, really), all the despondency and grief...just evaporated.
Just given realization that God is in control, and I am not. Not even of my own life, truly.
Because, even as there are those who might mock that as seemingly a juvenile, escapist mentality--thing is...it's true. Anything otherwise is just arrogance, borne of a rebellious spirit and pride--same as I labored under for all my life, increasingly (despite even moments of somewhat clarity, per grace), up to that point.
Meaning isn't possible outside of sincerely acknowledging God exists, is the thing. He is the only which is Holy, truly apart...sufficiently also objective and wholly unchanging as to be capable of constituting and thereby instilling absolute meaning. So, the freedom there...also is so vast.
As unwavering.
None other is unwavering, as it's all dependent upon awareness, recognition, acknowledgment, acceptance, realization...and ultiamtely and inherently...maintenance as such.
He's self-sufficient, though. He, alone, is self-sufficient. Thus unwavering, capable of being unchanging...immutable...meaningful.
Anything which could thence have meaning would only do so, in relation to who He is, otherwise the meaning is only superficially ascribed, transitory, as dependent upon finite expressions of understanding which yet are just that--finite, incomplete, themselves passing and changing, even if "developing."
But without a solid, unwavering foundation, anything derived thus inherently is only so sound as that from whence it has derived.
He is the only possible such solid foundation, being self-sufficient, wholly self-contained, thus unaffected by change...unaffected by anything outside Himself, ultimately. Such is sovereignty. Such is supremacy.
Such is justice.
So, it only follows that all things are subject to Him.
Period. Regardless seeming indifference or disdain. Any rebellion which exists can only do so according to His allowance, having been made an allotment for, per His sovereign design. According to His will, then, as permitted. Even if seeming contradictory to Him, then only allowed to occur per His allowance.
Love would be so accepting. Even as love rejected will have what it chooses. Love despised is choosing, per such action, to hate. Choosing, rather than love...hate. And He allows us what we choose, per such munificence as utterly confounds my ability to conceive.
Not that love dies, but the flame consumes that which is not like itself, or some...rather than purifies. Same fire, is all.
We are allowed our choice, through Christ. Whose coming and sacrifice, death and resurrection...even the stars proclaim, so that no one might claim ignorance, but only acceptance or rejection.
We all have the same choice.
Just...in that moment of realizing my incapacity, realizing my limitation...simultaneously receiving realization of His utter supremacy...
...I ceased fighting against truth, in terms of God's sovereignty.
I had, prior, wanted to consider myself sovereign of at least my own life, my own sphere of influence. But that's just not so. And He let me see the truth of that, so many ways, through so many faulty pursuits and attempts at instituting meaning apart from Him, apart from acknowledging His sovereignty and the simultaneous realization of my own then-subjection.
Even as it took a full month, after that point...or maybe longer than a month...with thoughts of Christ, of Jesus...coming to mind, again and again..
...that He is Lord. He is God. Even Incarnate.
...finding, each time thought of His Lordship came to mind, simultaneous resentment and revulsion arose within my heart. Until, eventually, some point came where a fear began to arise in realizing myself utterly despising Christ.
I despaired of that, wordlessly.
And then, eventual came a point where fear gave way to somewhat complacency, then to consternation at even being set against truth. Such that in that moment, one day, when thought of Christ as God, as Lord of all...of Lord of my life and all I am...when that thought came, and the revulsion and resentment arose against Him, against the idea of being subject to Him...of not being sovereign, apart from Him unto my own will...
...as that revulsion arose, then that consternation arose with utter fire, despising even that I should despise truth. And it came a thought that, "He's Lord of all, including me, and whether I like it or not, it doesn't change the fact of the matter, so whether I come to terms with it now or hereafter, it's no less true, so I may as well just accept it and get over it and get used to it, now!" With all due anger at being so opposed to truth.
And that revulsion died, on the spot. That resentment died, on the spot. Extinguished, without even a wisp of smoke to mark the passing.
And gave way to a peace, a further peace...even as though another burden had been lifted. As though I could breathe more freely, for having been let go from some dire uncertainty and anxiety which had nothing to do with reality, all the while.
And how long was it then, till I saw Him? Not in the physical sense of seeing. But stricken. Completely stricken.
Driving. Praying. Talking to Him, in some manner more direct than I'd ever done before, although still so unable to even speak His name, in truth. Just stricken, witnessing Him on the cross.
Have you any conception how pure He is? Our Christ.
Wholly untainted by the world.
Wholly untainted by all our pettiness and deceits.
Wholly full of love and desire for good.
Wholly loving.
And utterly, completely, absolutely, fully aware. Even all the while, there.
Even as though He beheld me, and I knew it, while He hung there in agony.
I saw nothing of God's wrath exhausted upon Him, although all of theology at present says this is the case. What I saw was my sin being borne. One so pure, so untouched by malice and hatred and envy and lust and greed and self-interest...then mocked, shamed...beaten, despised...crucified...even as by me...and my sin, upon Him...
...and in that moment, I wanted to despise myself, except for His love.
But I did despise my sin. Loathed it. Wanted it gone, wholly and in full, never to be returned to, borne, looked upon, or considered. All of it.
...but His love.
And I can't even bear, really, to look fully into that memory, now. There are vague bits around the edges here which are relayed a bit fuzzy, because I can't bear to look. There are points of distinction in terms of the way of what was witnessed which aren't quite well described, not precisely relayed as they were, but as near as present-capability for returning to that glimpse constitutes.
I don't remember how I got wherever I was going. I don't remember where I was going or coming from. All I know is that seeing Him changed absolutely everything, and it wasn't something contrived, it wasn't something expected, it wasn't even something particularly desired--I didn't even know to want for such a thing, having only even begun to come to walk in light of what it means for Him to be Lord of my life, in truth...and barely comprehending even that (yet still, really).
But it happened. Reminiscent of an experience in a church, two years prior. Only...with the weight of my culpability come to bear, even willingly borne by Him, unto abject despair at doing anything except devoting myself in full to only Him and wanting nothing else, forever, in that moment. For, He, alone is worthy. And He is imminently and incomprehensibly worthy.
There were no words, though, then.
No words. But a wealth of experience.
Just to see Him, then, and I don't even know what He looks like. That's what I least understand about the experience. There was seeing in some visceral sense which yet didn't somehow necessarily entail sight. And I don't understand.
But whatever. I don't have to.
Because, really, it's none of my business except that He leads and ordains and shapes according to His will. It has nothing to do with me, except in terms of whatever is His will. And who I am is nothing more than He would have. Same as any.
We're all only who He would have willed and/or allowed us to be. Not according to our own will, even as grace restrains us from such depravity as we would otherwise more fully enhabit. He restrains us from going to the depths, in most instance. Perhaps in all. I don't know quite what the depths of depravity constitute, as to whether even one so...openly malicious as Hitler...might perhaps yet have had the influence of some restraining grace, difficult as that may be to fathom.
Mengele?
It's gut-wrenching to really contemplate we would all go to such lengths, except that we are restrained by grace. According to His design.
None seek God, after all.
Even those who think they do...unless they are drawn by God, Himself, are in fact seeking to fashion Him into their own image, as found according to understanding, rather than as He would reveal Himself. How else could we expect to know Him, after all, except that He reveals Himself to our insensate faculties?...even ever having once turned away from the apparent revelation of Him, as displayed even per His creation? Refusing to know Him on His own terms, in other words, we effectively refuse Him.
All this, though, just to make remark of the most recent bits of nonsense that have attempted to derail. In the midst of physical weakness, then comes temptation to doubt.
Which is absurd.
Seriously.
I remember the despair I used to labor under. I remember that I wasn't even aware there could be any relief, except to make it become something else--to reshape it into another image, more compatible with desires. I remember the sense of hopelessness, drudgery, as the best which seemed to be hoped for was only self-indulgence of various tendencies to interact, wanting meaningful communication, and always finding it too short. Somehow just short of what was desired, but too deep was the fear of rejection to allow for anything else. Rejection merely per incapability of relaying precisely what was ever intended, so rejection merely per lack of total understanding.
No solace, then, of that. And a lack of overt trying in many matters. Especially spiritual.
Because, especially, with as constantly plagued and beset by depression as I was--why was there even a point in attempting to share? Particularly also because what sharing had been undertaken found a silence which was more resounding and striking than would have been mockery. More unsettling.
Not even a refutation. Just a total refusal to acknowledge what was blatantly seen.
So I stopped showing. And when other matters of a somewhat similar nature came about, evidenced and many ways continually tested to ascertain consistency... ...I again shared of them, even unto drawing someone (deplorably, wretchedly) in alongside.
And that didn't foster any further sense of fulfillment, either. So, forsaken. Even as a couple had rejected, then the one who joined in was no less unsettling.
Either way, it doesn't matter now to note the particulars. Just to say that there are more things which the Lord allows than would make sense, except to know His omnipotence is truth.
There's not been a restriction. Even as not all things believed are true, also still, many truths aren't seem for a lack of belief. Period. Same as ever.
Except that His will be done and He will have His portion, regardless our lack of faith and belief...there fair wouldn't even still be regeneration, for such a lack of knowledge of who He truly is. Even as there are those who do know Him.
Without having imposed self-conceived limitations so to maintain a "safe space" which doesn't challenge self and independent understanding, as sought per understanding the understanding of others, rather than of God.
I'm not sure what part of "in those days I will teach them myself" we really haven't quite grasped. It's pretty straightforward, in context, and even as cited in New Testament epistles.
He's who He is, though, regardless whether we believe. And He does what is His will, regardless whether we're willing to acknowledge it as such. He still works His wonders. He still does all He has ever done, and so ofter He was ever wont to do new things. So, does He not do so, still?
There are passages, even, which I've never heard anyone touch on. Strange things which are fascinating. Things which give context and imply varied interpretations for bits which oft seem otherwise resorted to as though inherently meaningful, without context of the whole. But there's not that. All is all. In part and whole. Not divisible.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Reflection on Pain
So, what started, this round...this year...as apparent aggravation of a herniated cervical vertebra..to severe shoulder pain and numbness of both arms (especially hands)..
..then ebbing to rest, unto recuperation...gradual..
...then infection as both upper wisdom teeth became abscessed (they need to be removed, but until some means of doing so becomes apparent...prayer and clove oil will suffice)...
...which always ends up with sinus infection+both ears becoming infected...
...and then kidney infection / UTI...
...two weeks of rest took care of the cervical problem, allowing whatever inflammation had been at fault to clear up (apparently)...
...two days of cranberry juice took care of the lattermost (mercifully so)...
...and last night's treatments finally did in the abscesses...
...and this morning's treatments cleared up the ear infections...
...and the sinus infection seems, for once perhaps in a very long while...to be cleared up...
...so, today my lower back has gone out...
Better than accidentally poisoning myself with eugenol, as last year?
...which I still thank the Lord that I woke up, every time I stopped breathing (apparently, otherwise this wouldn't be in process of writing).
Funny feeling, that--to wake up with a sense of realization that oxygen has ceased. Same as if you've ever held your breath for an extended period, exhaling entirely from your lungs over the course...
...then, till that point where you must inhale...
...nothing having obstructed flow...
...but just the need for air, express.
Waking up into that.
Multiple times, through that night...which was also full of intermittent other pangs and toiling, physical...then to sleep, until waking up with a need for air...
...read Scripture, pray...
...toil, sleep, repeat.
So, now.
Sans that particular sort of unintended escapade...
...everything else has seemed to intend to shut down.
Even of the couple weeks of recuperation with the shoulder, full of prayer and study and rest...
...also full of all manner of weird heart palpitations, flutterings, stutterings, starts, and pangs...even unto lightheadedness.
Quietly, solemnly endured. Prayerfully, continually noting that it's only by the Lord's will that life remains intact, regardless.
So it is, for each of us, and yet to have these sorts of reminders?
Very humbling.
Last major experience with professional medical care wasn't well, though. And until or unless I'm in a position to need be taken in an ambulance, then I'd rather not go. There are all so many different ways of treating even pneumonia naturally. Diligently. Effective. Known.
I won't set major bones, though. Except for spinal readjustment, which is only a matter untaken and accomplished as given by grace, so to do. Even as not nearly as effective, perhaps, as someone who could just immediately undertake the thing.
I have to wait. Until the muscles relax enough so to do.
Even as...last year...last January...when my back went out as it did, incapacitating from even ability to walk, whatsoever...
...I don't recall ever having been able to realign whatever had slipped. Just awoke, the day after having realization that God is sufficient, and He is in control, and He will and would make a way when there was no way...able to walk, again. Usually takes time.
And it had never been that bad, before.
Unable to even sit up.
I'm in no position for surgery, though. I don't want surgery, moreover. Regardless how backward that might be. If it's God's will for their to be brain, neck, and back surgery at some point, then so be it, but I'm not lining up on my own will.
Thing is, I know there are a lot of folks who expect Him to just heal absolutely anything and everything. "If your faith is strong enough."
Hm. Yeah...no.
Doesn't work that way. Because that places the onus on a works-based sort of mentality, wherein the responsibility for process of the impossible lies with the created, rather than the Creator.
For those who say it's always His will to heal...
...then so also is it His will that none should perish.
And yet some will. Even as the healing reserved for some isn't manifested in the physical realm.
Same as Abraham's promised nation was seen evidenced in the giving of his son, Isaac, even as Abraham did not then see the multitude he would become.
Just as the Holy Spirit is given as a sort of guarantee of our inheritance in Christ. That which is not seen, yet experienced and which manifests regeneration and sanctification--a lifetime, thereafter unto eternity, in the Presence and peace of God.
There are those who sneer at the idea of trusting God, is all.
But as far as I'm concerned, my hands are tied.
What else is there?
Not trust Him, but trust myself and my care to the hands of others who don't know me nor have time to even begin to delve into potential complications at root?
He kept me from death, despite the fall from the balcony in 2006. He kept me from death, so many times else, too. When death did fall upon me--stopping my heart, stopping my breath.
I'm supposed to be blind, apparently. And maybe deaf and unable to speak, as well, given particular of the brain damage done in that same fall.
I'm not, though.
And it makes no sense, medically or scientifically.
So, it must be God. He, alone, would break the laws of nature which He set in place.
The fact that those laws are ever broken is evidence of His intervention.
(Michael Ramsden theology, yay!)
It's an individual thing, is all. And as much as, from the utmost objective and even lightly cynical perspective...it might superficially seem irresponsible, at first glance...
...realize this...
...the only reason I'm breathing, right now, is because He chose to spare me.
I have died, physically, so many times.
Not as many as some, but far more than most.
The first was before I was two years old.
Which...my mother was apparently unable to conceive for years, until they started praying...
...and I died before I was two...
...but was resuscitated.
And died again when I was four...
...and was resuscitated.
And overdosed when I was 15, but was made to walk the stairs all night by some entity whose identity I am not presently certain of, except to know the Lord had mercy--no one in the house knew.
And overdosed again about six months later.
And again, and again. Over and over.
And the balcony. And poisonings.
And all the things.
Constantly, it sometimes seems.
Thing is...I'm not my own. I'm His.
Same as we all are.
So it's not for me to even attempt any guesses at "why" these things have been and are as they are.
...why I'm seeking Him and require Jesus as my utmost of all, in all, now...
...why He's allowed me, in the past, to go to such depths of wretchedness...
...why I am who and how I am.
...why any of us endure or suffer or undertake or explore or endeavor..
I don't know why, but I do know Who.
And He is all-powerful, and good, and loving...and righteous...
...and His will is sovereign, supreme, and unbending.
Each of us are only who He would allow us to be, even as He designs.
And I don't have to understand that.
I just need to know Christ.
More of Him, is all.
Whatever comes.
Because these things are only momentary. And pain is what it is, and one day it won't be anymore.
But even that...is so meaningless, so trivial, so utterly...empty...
...taken alongside context of just absolutely requiring a deeper knowledge of Christ, no matter the cost.
...or even just taken alongside realization of any knowledge of Him.
He outshines pain. He eclipses suffering.
His love is that deep.
So, even in suffering and uncertainty, I can still proclaim my love to God, and my desire to know and to do His will--knowing full well my life is His. Not my own. He redeemed me.
I could never be worthy. And yet He is, and He clothes me in His righteousness and love and grace and mercies!
So, whatever, to the pain. It will pass.
He gives grace to treat these things.
And those which I'm unable, which He hasn't given grace so to do...even if of quiet recuperation?...He has made way for attending in other ways.
But no, it's not up to me.
I am His. I am nothing more than what and who He has made me to be.
Same as any.
Same as all.
My life, my all...is His. No longer with pretense of being other.
His love is all the dearer, all the more brightly sought and relished...in such moments as darkness would seek to eclipse. Darkness evaporates in light of His love.
But by His will.
And someday only a memory, sweetly reflected as such evidence of His grace. His faithfulness. His unwavering love. Even just as to know these things, in such a moment.
Pain is only all the more reason to cling to Him, unwaveringly flinging oneself with utter abandon upon His mercies, as knowing in any capacity...the truth of who Jesus really is.
He is alive.
He is with us.
Nearer than your next breath.
He Is.
..then ebbing to rest, unto recuperation...gradual..
...then infection as both upper wisdom teeth became abscessed (they need to be removed, but until some means of doing so becomes apparent...prayer and clove oil will suffice)...
...which always ends up with sinus infection+both ears becoming infected...
...and then kidney infection / UTI...
...two weeks of rest took care of the cervical problem, allowing whatever inflammation had been at fault to clear up (apparently)...
...two days of cranberry juice took care of the lattermost (mercifully so)...
...and last night's treatments finally did in the abscesses...
...and this morning's treatments cleared up the ear infections...
...and the sinus infection seems, for once perhaps in a very long while...to be cleared up...
...so, today my lower back has gone out...
Better than accidentally poisoning myself with eugenol, as last year?
...which I still thank the Lord that I woke up, every time I stopped breathing (apparently, otherwise this wouldn't be in process of writing).
Funny feeling, that--to wake up with a sense of realization that oxygen has ceased. Same as if you've ever held your breath for an extended period, exhaling entirely from your lungs over the course...
...then, till that point where you must inhale...
...nothing having obstructed flow...
...but just the need for air, express.
Waking up into that.
Multiple times, through that night...which was also full of intermittent other pangs and toiling, physical...then to sleep, until waking up with a need for air...
...read Scripture, pray...
...toil, sleep, repeat.
So, now.
Sans that particular sort of unintended escapade...
...everything else has seemed to intend to shut down.
Even of the couple weeks of recuperation with the shoulder, full of prayer and study and rest...
...also full of all manner of weird heart palpitations, flutterings, stutterings, starts, and pangs...even unto lightheadedness.
Quietly, solemnly endured. Prayerfully, continually noting that it's only by the Lord's will that life remains intact, regardless.
So it is, for each of us, and yet to have these sorts of reminders?
Very humbling.
Last major experience with professional medical care wasn't well, though. And until or unless I'm in a position to need be taken in an ambulance, then I'd rather not go. There are all so many different ways of treating even pneumonia naturally. Diligently. Effective. Known.
I won't set major bones, though. Except for spinal readjustment, which is only a matter untaken and accomplished as given by grace, so to do. Even as not nearly as effective, perhaps, as someone who could just immediately undertake the thing.
I have to wait. Until the muscles relax enough so to do.
Even as...last year...last January...when my back went out as it did, incapacitating from even ability to walk, whatsoever...
...I don't recall ever having been able to realign whatever had slipped. Just awoke, the day after having realization that God is sufficient, and He is in control, and He will and would make a way when there was no way...able to walk, again. Usually takes time.
And it had never been that bad, before.
Unable to even sit up.
I'm in no position for surgery, though. I don't want surgery, moreover. Regardless how backward that might be. If it's God's will for their to be brain, neck, and back surgery at some point, then so be it, but I'm not lining up on my own will.
Thing is, I know there are a lot of folks who expect Him to just heal absolutely anything and everything. "If your faith is strong enough."
Hm. Yeah...no.
Doesn't work that way. Because that places the onus on a works-based sort of mentality, wherein the responsibility for process of the impossible lies with the created, rather than the Creator.
For those who say it's always His will to heal...
...then so also is it His will that none should perish.
And yet some will. Even as the healing reserved for some isn't manifested in the physical realm.
Same as Abraham's promised nation was seen evidenced in the giving of his son, Isaac, even as Abraham did not then see the multitude he would become.
Just as the Holy Spirit is given as a sort of guarantee of our inheritance in Christ. That which is not seen, yet experienced and which manifests regeneration and sanctification--a lifetime, thereafter unto eternity, in the Presence and peace of God.
There are those who sneer at the idea of trusting God, is all.
But as far as I'm concerned, my hands are tied.
What else is there?
Not trust Him, but trust myself and my care to the hands of others who don't know me nor have time to even begin to delve into potential complications at root?
He kept me from death, despite the fall from the balcony in 2006. He kept me from death, so many times else, too. When death did fall upon me--stopping my heart, stopping my breath.
I'm supposed to be blind, apparently. And maybe deaf and unable to speak, as well, given particular of the brain damage done in that same fall.
I'm not, though.
And it makes no sense, medically or scientifically.
So, it must be God. He, alone, would break the laws of nature which He set in place.
The fact that those laws are ever broken is evidence of His intervention.
(Michael Ramsden theology, yay!)
It's an individual thing, is all. And as much as, from the utmost objective and even lightly cynical perspective...it might superficially seem irresponsible, at first glance...
...realize this...
...the only reason I'm breathing, right now, is because He chose to spare me.
I have died, physically, so many times.
Not as many as some, but far more than most.
The first was before I was two years old.
Which...my mother was apparently unable to conceive for years, until they started praying...
...and I died before I was two...
...but was resuscitated.
And died again when I was four...
...and was resuscitated.
And overdosed when I was 15, but was made to walk the stairs all night by some entity whose identity I am not presently certain of, except to know the Lord had mercy--no one in the house knew.
And overdosed again about six months later.
And again, and again. Over and over.
And the balcony. And poisonings.
And all the things.
Constantly, it sometimes seems.
Thing is...I'm not my own. I'm His.
Same as we all are.
So it's not for me to even attempt any guesses at "why" these things have been and are as they are.
...why I'm seeking Him and require Jesus as my utmost of all, in all, now...
...why He's allowed me, in the past, to go to such depths of wretchedness...
...why I am who and how I am.
...why any of us endure or suffer or undertake or explore or endeavor..
I don't know why, but I do know Who.
And He is all-powerful, and good, and loving...and righteous...
...and His will is sovereign, supreme, and unbending.
Each of us are only who He would allow us to be, even as He designs.
And I don't have to understand that.
I just need to know Christ.
More of Him, is all.
Whatever comes.
Because these things are only momentary. And pain is what it is, and one day it won't be anymore.
But even that...is so meaningless, so trivial, so utterly...empty...
...taken alongside context of just absolutely requiring a deeper knowledge of Christ, no matter the cost.
...or even just taken alongside realization of any knowledge of Him.
He outshines pain. He eclipses suffering.
His love is that deep.
So, even in suffering and uncertainty, I can still proclaim my love to God, and my desire to know and to do His will--knowing full well my life is His. Not my own. He redeemed me.
I could never be worthy. And yet He is, and He clothes me in His righteousness and love and grace and mercies!
So, whatever, to the pain. It will pass.
He gives grace to treat these things.
And those which I'm unable, which He hasn't given grace so to do...even if of quiet recuperation?...He has made way for attending in other ways.
But no, it's not up to me.
I am His. I am nothing more than what and who He has made me to be.
Same as any.
Same as all.
My life, my all...is His. No longer with pretense of being other.
His love is all the dearer, all the more brightly sought and relished...in such moments as darkness would seek to eclipse. Darkness evaporates in light of His love.
But by His will.
And someday only a memory, sweetly reflected as such evidence of His grace. His faithfulness. His unwavering love. Even just as to know these things, in such a moment.
Pain is only all the more reason to cling to Him, unwaveringly flinging oneself with utter abandon upon His mercies, as knowing in any capacity...the truth of who Jesus really is.
He is alive.
He is with us.
Nearer than your next breath.
He Is.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
He will do what He does
So, the surrender-thing which is part of coming to Christ, of drawing near to Him, abiding in His presence eternal...
...is whole.
To ever any end He would give, of a soul.
Some to varying degrees than others.
He's made each of us, even to a particular working of His glory. Just as gifts given unto men, from He from whom all gifts go.
What is mine isn't as another's. What is another's isn't as mine.
Even if only by degrees, then. In context of His glory, each and every is minute, and yet from our so limited and frail a perspective, these such differences can constitute worlds of difference. Continents, complete.
Such that with these things of body, there's a surrender come and coming which is more complete, as conscious, than may be of many. I don't know.
I really don't know.
Truly, the surrender is complete, as according to His will, regardless how consciously noted. He works, ever, to will and to do His good pleasure in and through us.
So, in light of that, some of the exhortations to wholehearted, conscious surrender may be slight amiss for what's given some as to do. Done, then, even without knowing.
No less complete, for lack of regard and referral and rumination.
Never.
He works, complete, in all His ways.
Just, there is possibility which isn't sought, so often. For lack of wanting, for lack of asking, for lack of acknowledgment, for lack of desire.
Yet, if He hasn't given that desire, then should it otherwise be sought?
No.
Only as He wills and decrees...ordained.
How amiss, though, not to speak of what's given?
We are given whatsoever we receive, then so to speak.
Ever.
To witness. To proclaim His glory, His goodness, His majesty, His might and wonder and fulness and capacity--endless!--from the hilltops! And even from the pits.
He is no less here than there.
Just to seek.
Whatever would be His will.
As He would give. Just know, still, that all things are possible for Him, alone.
We could no more dictate His actions than we could truly bottle the tide. Understand it, in ways, we may. Even so to replicate...in part..
..but not from the beginning.
..nor unto the end.
We are given to seek Him, is all. Just to seek Him.
Each and every, according to the faith and grace bestowed upon us all.
And He will perfect His creation.
...is whole.
To ever any end He would give, of a soul.
Some to varying degrees than others.
He's made each of us, even to a particular working of His glory. Just as gifts given unto men, from He from whom all gifts go.
What is mine isn't as another's. What is another's isn't as mine.
Even if only by degrees, then. In context of His glory, each and every is minute, and yet from our so limited and frail a perspective, these such differences can constitute worlds of difference. Continents, complete.
Such that with these things of body, there's a surrender come and coming which is more complete, as conscious, than may be of many. I don't know.
I really don't know.
Truly, the surrender is complete, as according to His will, regardless how consciously noted. He works, ever, to will and to do His good pleasure in and through us.
So, in light of that, some of the exhortations to wholehearted, conscious surrender may be slight amiss for what's given some as to do. Done, then, even without knowing.
No less complete, for lack of regard and referral and rumination.
Never.
He works, complete, in all His ways.
Just, there is possibility which isn't sought, so often. For lack of wanting, for lack of asking, for lack of acknowledgment, for lack of desire.
Yet, if He hasn't given that desire, then should it otherwise be sought?
No.
Only as He wills and decrees...ordained.
How amiss, though, not to speak of what's given?
We are given whatsoever we receive, then so to speak.
Ever.
To witness. To proclaim His glory, His goodness, His majesty, His might and wonder and fulness and capacity--endless!--from the hilltops! And even from the pits.
He is no less here than there.
Just to seek.
Whatever would be His will.
As He would give. Just know, still, that all things are possible for Him, alone.
We could no more dictate His actions than we could truly bottle the tide. Understand it, in ways, we may. Even so to replicate...in part..
..but not from the beginning.
..nor unto the end.
We are given to seek Him, is all. Just to seek Him.
Each and every, according to the faith and grace bestowed upon us all.
And He will perfect His creation.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
What is Guilt?
Things are so strange, right now. There's a struggle of some sort going on, and my body is absolutely staging a war. For whatever reason.
Finally have feeling in all my extremities again, at present, for the first in...at least 24 hours. I'm almost able to smell, again. Nearly. My back has almost come back into alignment, and what work was required which totally threw it out...Lord willing, is finished for a brief while. Just the head-things and neck stuff, mostly, now.
Someone accidentally aligned my neck, week before this last, and so all manner of madness has attempted an insurrection as a result. No idea whether "vacuum phenomenons" ever heal, really. But whatever. My left foot hasn't come out of joint in a couple days, although the tendency is still there.
But, again...
...whatever...
...all things wrought per insolence, mercifully.
Hands are still trying to go numb, cold.
I don't understand any of these things, and there are some which I don't even begin to have any even loose comprehension of, to be able to remark. All I know is that there's been a lot of difficulty with these sorts of things, lately, and I'm at the mercy of God.
Which is always the case, but...it is good to be reminded...and to bring all members to remembrance of such a thing.
Nothing operates independent of God, is the thing. Not an atom. Not a subatomic particle. Not a cone nor rod. Not a follicle. Not a foot. Nor a hand. Nor an individual, so comprised.
So, then, neither do the parts which comprise the body of Christ operate independently, regardless whatsoever diffidence, indifference, and downright animosity might have begin to creep up in the midst and in between--even as to have various parts outright denouncing one another, rather than reaching out in love, leaving to God His work of atonement and correction, even if given through truth spoken in love wholly per whatsoever speech the Holy Spirit would direct.
The thing about Bible worship, lately mentioned with some amount of consternation...
...the Bible is the work and word of God, revealing Himself and His will...to us...in terms which can be generally grasped on our level. So, in the same sense that God is not His name and yet is His name...the Bible is not God. A miniscule representation, projected unto us for our edification and searching and examination, so as to know Him. On His terms, yet given on our level.
When we quibble over those terms, we are wholly denying Him, is the thing. Still, yet again, in another way...forsaking the truth of God for a lie and worshipping the created rather than the Creator.
...thing is...
...there is so so fine a distinction, though, when it comes to His revealed word...that it does us good, to err on the side of caution, perhaps, but only if it allows us to more deeply seek to know Him rather than as allowed to become something used as a shield against Him.
To say that "my understanding of God is..." and to appeal only to that, even as revealed to be contributory as an aspect of His being, an "attribute" so-to-speak...is yet still to attempt to look at a part, in such a way as even unintentionally simultaneously denies the whole.
Problem there, though, is that being the creatures we are...we know nothing else. We can know nothing else, except that He leads.
Which is wherein comes the crux.
Literally.
We must come to Christ, begging He would do what work is necessary to free us even to know Him as revealed in His word--Not merely according to what limited scope of understanding we are capable of, but even as to trust Him that He desires to reveal Himself in truth, in spirit, even as through the revelation given of the Bible...
...as a means by which we can continually return to Him, seeking a deeper, deepening view, as clarified by continued perusal, even unto so high a point of awareness as to discern the distinctions of even what spirits would attempt to waylay the Spirit through which Scripture was initially given, through process of our interpretations.
It does not end and begin with merely reading, in other words.
We are to discern even that which we read, unto the understanding which the Lord intends us.
Which, again...means a death to those things which would exalt themselves against right interpretation--emotional, mental, social, individual prejudices or even perspectives unawares which color connotational comprehension.
We cannot know these things, except He gives them. And He gives to those who ask, and continue asking...to those who seek, continuing to seek.
So, even as much as the meaning given is absolutely clarion and simple...just as God, Himself, is evident to all of creation.. ...then, also, there's simultaneously unfathomable depths to the meaning relayed and to the context and comprehension. He gives as we have need.
As He has given.
Of Himself.
Unto us.
So, Scripture isn't to be in any way undermined in terms of absolute necessity and reverence.
But yet, in itself, as it isn't God...as His revelation, it stands steadfast.
So, when and wherever and however He has made and makes possible access to such Words of Life as are thereby more direct consigned, we are bound to seek therein, unto His glory...as revealed in and of our terms and manner of general communication. As text. As words. Conscribed.
From what I hear, though, He's been directly saving people, Himself, in outreaches, outposts, "unreached" corners of the earth. Without human intervention. And without benefit of Biblical direction or inception or initiation...except, with some, to then also give a desire to seek out those such "Words of Life" as are contained for direction in all godliness, therein.
Thing is...He will do what He chooses. Period. Regardless whether our understanding of Him, even as relayed within Scripture, meets up to managing to comprehend His works and ways.
Even His self-revelation therein contained many times makes plain that He's so far beyond our ability to comprehend that we're just not even capable of understanding Him or understanding His ways, in full, if He were to have given full revelation.
You can't go and say He's "fully revealed" in Scripture, is the thing, in such a way as then leads to even internal assumption that such a "full revelation" wholly and to sum gives total knowledge unto all which He is. To do say would make Him as us, implicitly, by attempting to bring and contain His glory to a level which can be yielded to a summary assessment. So, then to also say that He's infinite and eternal, while simultaneously claiming that He is fully revealed...?
Those are two entirely disparate beings given consideration, if that is such the case.
But the God I serve is infinite and He cannot, thus will not be contained merely within scope of any mere mortal's ability to fully conceive His ways, comprehend His being, understand His purposes. No matter the height, nor depth, nor breadth, nor length of study given to such a pursuit...
...because...as God...
...He always exceeds comprehension. He is as far beyond anyone's mastery as is the height of all the galaxies beyond my present ability to scale in an instant's breath. Incomprehensibly and vastly so, to a degree which is immeasurable.
Because, even as we can speak of eternity and of infinity...there are concepts which we cannot contain. Period. Two different states of being. Wholly. Creature and Creator.
Same as a child cannot give birth to its mother. No matter by what manner of technicality science might ever contrive to do such things, or man conceive to breach such heights of logistic philosophies...
...we...
...cannot...
...exist...
...apart from what and who we are.
The created.
So, how much sense does it make for various parts which comprise a whole, then, to attempt independence?...or to even assert some sort of side-rail action, as though there were independence in effect, as perceived in act?
Yeah, no.
All will be fully brought to submission to His will, even as He yet allows what purports to insurrection. What purports to independence. He merely allows that delusion to persist, allowing us to perceive a having of what wretchedness we oft choose, rather than choosing Him.
...seek Him.
Just do it. Period.
There's nothing else for it. Period.
I don't care what doctrine you ascribe to, what theological knowings you purport to possess.
If He is not directly speaking to you with regularity, constancy even, then what are you doing?
Truly???
Given that is an option. He said He would teach us, Himself, in the last days. The days in which we now live.
And He does, otherwise regeneration would not be something going on. That is the beginning of instruction!
That He, His very own spirit! Comes to dwell.
So, why would we not seek to understand and to know His voice, even as having a tangible means of learning to discern?
How many references are there, in what we consider the "New Testament," whereas the apostles mention that the things they are writing are already known to the recipients because the Holy Spirit has already told them these things.
The thing is...
...if you recognize truth, at all, it's only because HE is giving that recognition direct to you, within your very spirit! Otherwise, you nor I would never be capable of knowing truth! Christ said as much, in so many ways.
He directly reveals truth or we cannot know it. Period.
And His longsuffering, His patience with us is abounding beyond comprehension, that even those who are His would deny Him even while proclaiming His truth!
We walk that line of disbelief, without apology, and rather than cutting us off, He continues to guide and lead and love us! ...despite that we refuse to be open to direct communication, or only one-sided...
We would speak to Him and not listen, in other words, except only to hear anything which He ever once said. Which...He never contradicts Himself, so the revelation as stands does serve and had ought always be looked to for confirmation that we have not erred in interpreting nor hearing.
Always.
Because we're so apt to fail, so prone to falter, so tending to stray and listen instead to malingering voices rather than that of Christ. God, Himself.
But...He knew. He knows.
Merely, there's more to Him and of Him than we presently have even begun to desire for, and yet for some reason, there's a wholescale limitation from camp to camp, regarding despondencies and restrictions along which seeking seems stymied by one means or another--self-definition of what had ought, can, and could be known and sought.
According to "established understanding."
Well enough! But find out for yourself, too!
The things I have learned and know can only come to bear upon myself, ultimately. All the day long, I could cry out in the streets, casting dust upon myself and rending clothing, weeping for a generation...or remaining solemnly silent, exhaling a cloud of poisonous vapor into the ether, so like as a statement may be without inciting ever as much note as the other, nor as severe and immediate public retribution...
...but for what???
Only as to lament the state, in way inconsolable, commiserate of what be, as stands, yet longing only for Light to come and Truth to reign, even Love supreme to be welcomed...where hearts are dark and understanding blighted by self-will and desire for all else but only what might seem mastered, or naught at all, for fear of encountering uncertainty in how to proceed!...as though God, Himself, cannot be trusted to tend His creation! Was Love not born to die, and to redeem?! Did He not come, Himself, and bear the pain and shame and guilt and horrid weight of all our iniquities, even as they were those we have done and do AGAINST HIM?
And He did. Even unto death.
Life less life, for moments. Then overcome.
Arisen. Supreme.
Eternal God, our Savior.
So, why do we not trust Him?!
I am every bit as guilty as everyone! There's such hardness, still, such fear and trembling even that, for months at a time, now, I've feared to hear His voice in those moments once given solely to conversation. And should I be ashamed?
For He bore even that.
So, then, to be ashamed before men, to ask that we might all go to Him, begging conversation? It is a thing, regardless whether we acknowledge or heed His voice. He does speak.
He spoke, He speaks, and He will continue to do so.
Regardless which way we might attempt to conceive to limit His tendencies to do so, then even still the earth will proclaim His message!
The rocks may cry out, for we have been silent far too long.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Return to Love
These themes, lately:
Abide in Christ.
Abide in His love.
Love.
And others, but for the past many months...even in terms of merciful judgment to come...love has been the focus.
I've been reminded again, lately, at the vast disparity between Christ's love and what the world conceives of as being love.
The world's version of love is alway self-gratifying, in some way. Even if only as a matter of seeking to avoid emotional pain. ...even a mother's love has become entirely contorted, outside of Christ, to such extent that mothers even kill their children. Whereas others leech, emotionally. And still others count accomplishment as a marker for emotion.
Witnessed, only partially experienced (as on the receiving end), but not otherwise known.
And yet, a father's love is supposed to be as strong. Or, if it really is to be an epitomization of Christ's love, the Father's love, then...hadn't it ought be more fierce and unwavering? Or is a mother's love just a well an epitomization of God's love?
There's much talk, these past couple of weeks (months?) about the family as a representation of relationship with God. On the whole.
So, how contorted are things, then?
Thursday, September 3, 2015
When Temptation Comes: Reflecting Upon Egypt & The Wilderness, Even Unto Praise...
Sitting, being tempted for a moment. Sometimes these thoughts come. Thoughts of going back to things I once relished--thoughts that those things would once again be somehow enjoyable.
The nature of temptation is to lie.
The present vein regards karaoke. Alcohol.
And since I have to endure the temptation, at least momentarily, it seemed well to elaborate on the process, as it seems to go...having only gone a certain extent privately, thus far.
It usually goes as this...
...tempted to think upon what it would be to spend an evening in such dark revelry as once there was. "For fun." Just to go.
And there's a very mild fear which rises up just at that thought, alongside the temptation to do such a thing--fear that I might be able to actually enjoy such depravity as once was the norm.
So, a two fold temptation, from the outset. Temptation to fear, temptation unto depravity.
Because it's not merely an alcoholic beverage that's the temptation, but the entire course of what once comprised many regular nights.
The thing is, though...
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Wisdom Will Ever Be Justified, &General Reflection Upon Salvation
There's always so much more. Always.
Any momentary bit of clarity is only that--momentary, so subject still to the constraints of time and space. One of the bits of Scripture that's absolutely stuck in mind, for the past months has been what Christ said of wisdom, in terms of where appearances of wholly disparate action (even so much so as seeming wholly contradictory)...whereas extremes are each denounced by the world...yet are justified according to the wisdom which guides such action.
In that John the Baptist lived what was considered a completely eccentric, absolutely ascetic, wholly fanatic lifestyle...and He was denounced by religious authority, even so far as that some considered him demon-possessed.
And, alternately, Jesus Christ--God Incarnate--freely associated with the "undesirables," "the untouchables," and even sharing meals and drink with them...such that religious authorities also denounced Him, calling Him a drunkard and glutton (at the least).
Superficial appearance would make it seem that those two lifestyles are irreconcilably different, yes. Superficial distinctions make it seem as though those are two opposite ends of a spectrum of potential behavior, regarding what ought be considered "righteous"...and what could be considered righteous.
Yet, Christ Himself said that John was greater than any man yet born of woman--He didn't fault His asceticism, His apparent fanatical adherence to such doctrine as he proclaimed, nor even in any way denounce his eccentricity as "turning people off, turning them away from God."
John's acts were apparently according to God's will, given that He was the one who "prepared the way of the Lord." So, it's not a light thing, even, to consider the way he lived...to speak of the eccentricities apparent (as noted by Christ, in noting those things being said of John)..
...he went into the wilderness, into the desert, fairly young. And remained there. Not sporadically chosen. Not a "statement" action for the sake of self-referential denouncement of society. But beseeching the world to turn, to repent. Pleading.
Just as Christ came to save the sick, the blind, the dead, the deaf, the dumb, the fatherless, the orphans, the widows, and all those who are lost, in want of a Shepherd.
Not those who see. Not those who are well.
But...
...those who know they are blind. Those who know they are unwell.
Only He can even make such a thing known, though, so deep is our pride.
...
Twice, in the past, I'd thought myself saved. Because I made a decision. Because I said a prayer.
Because I started doing what I thought was right, according to my understanding of Scripture.
..or attempting to, at least..
When I was young, I was scared into going to the altar. I don't remember the instance, I don't remember the year, I don't remember which church. But I remember the fear. The persistent fear.
Condemnation of sinners. The wrath of an Almighty God. And only One Way to stay out of hell.
Go and pray. Go to the altar and pray, and ask for forgiveness, and ask Jesus to be Lord of life.
I went, scared. The details are all entirely hazy--maybe they'll come into focus some other time.
But I remember kneeling at altars. Begging forgiveness. Terrified, sometimes. Terrified of my inability to ask correctly. Terrified of hell. Terrified that I'd done it wrong.
And then, hearing a pastor talk about how repentance meant that you couldn't do the same things anymore, there was a new fear--I found myself unable to stop doing the same things, and kept hearing messages that strongly implied that repentance wasn't something that made it okay to sin, but that unless sin stopped, repentance was basically invalidated.
So, I'd try really hard. And fail. Again. And again. And again.
Becoming less and less fearful and more and more dejected at my own inability. there had to be another way!
When I was physically cast out of church, the once, mid-90s...that was the end of a period of even attempting to try to do what everyone claimed was God's will, as far as repentance and ceasing from sin went. I didn't stop attending, because it wasn't my choice in the first place, but I started seeking solace and answers in other religions.
Up to that point, Christianity had only seemed to work judgment, pain, mockery, a lack of acceptance, fear, self-loathing, and complete uncertainty and inability. I'd had experiences of the truth of Christ, of God...but the church seemed to put to lie even those, for denouncing what bits had been personally experienced. And not denouncing per explanation, but denouncing per refusal to discuss, per a refusal to acknowledge...attempting to pretend things which weren't comfortable didn't exist. Or that they only existed within context of specific, limited understanding which yet wasn't able to account for experience.
I went the other way, then. The churches I'd experienced not only wouldn't answer questions, they refused to meaningfully acknowledge them in terms of actual experience. This, for Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Seventh Day Adventist, Pentecostal, Churches of God, Lutheran, Episcopalian, and howsoever many else there were, experienced firsthand as a welcomed visitor.
My mom used to travel to churches, you see. She sang by track, and I was her "road crew"--I carried the equipment, set it up (she tweaked and did wiring, really--I just hauled and positioned). Many services. Many congregations. Many pastors. Between that, and the churches which other bits of social involvement took me into, there was also ongoing, direct interaction with Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses.
No Amish, though. And I'm not sure of the representation of Mennonites. Very doubtful.
Either way, point being that there was a survey of a vast bit of the church, in terms of seeking answers in church. Not finding them. But only the same empty resounding, void of some tenor of substance only known per its lack, in persistent context of a desire to have it heard.
So frustrating. I delved into the occult, seeking answers. From one extreme to the other, in other words.
The church claimed God was supremely in control and omnipresent and omnipotent, supernatural and sovereign... ...and yet either shied entirely away from discussion of present-tense "supernatural" or indiscriminately ventured wildly thereunto...both of which...known wrong.
So, since the church didn't have any idea, and since my unregenerate and unrepentant heart didn't know what it meant to call out to God for answers...and couldn't bear to read Scripture, for the discomfort wrought in terms of His being sovereign..
..I went the other way, seeking to understand the supernatural in context of a line of practice which claimed to make distinctions and have discernment. The claim of knowledge and understanding and distinction...was so very appealing.
Problem is, that's all wrong. All which is, exists only in context of who God is. Not in any way apart from Him. To totally mangle a metaphor (or is it a simile?)--
...with the whole idea of God being like (and this is a terrible metaphor, but whatever) an elephant, and we're all like blind men groping to understand Him, but from different perspectives...
...it really was like hearing someone tell me that the elephant speaks (as goes the existence of the Bible, as revelation from God)...then choosing to go and fumble around for my own understanding, regardless.
So, given that I was trying to understand a realm which was far, far beyond mere mortal understanding...by groping blinding according even to shared stories from others who had experienced "success" according to their own processes of likewise blind groping...
...there was only deeper and darker faltering away from the light of His own revelation. But I had no love of truth, as to want to know truth on its own terms--I wanted to know truth according to my terms of willingness to consider and accept its import. Which...yeah, no.
Truth is truth, regardless whether we accept or reject it. Truth isn't true for some people and not-as-much-true for others. That is not truth. Truth is true, or it is not truth. And it does exist.
God is the author.
But I walked away from truth. I walked into darkness, wanting to know truth. Since that which claimed to be light had no answers, then I would seek in darkness.
And there was only pain. Suffering. Even getting to a point where I sought to find meaning in suffering, a-la-Buddha, so as to be free from it. To find a peace in all things. To find a happiness which surpassed circumstances.
In either self-denial or self-fulfillment. Alternating both. All the while finding life less and less meaningful.
It seemed that, if the only meaning to be had must derive from me, then I was insufficient to maintain. No matter which direction was pursued, ultimately.
What precipitated the second instance of prayer to Christ was an attempt to flee the darkness which was quickly enshrouding me unto a final death, from New Orleans then even again in Virginia. I was reckless and had no idea how to stop. And the tendency had only gotten worse and worse.
I knew death was soon coming, except that something changed completely. And moving cross country wasn't enough.
Something, though, within...said that Jesus was the only one who could stop it. He was the only one who could hold it at bay.
So, June 2010, a friend and I prayed that Christ would save me. I asked briefly for forgiveness, for Him to be Lord of my life perhaps, and then...felt slight relief but also complete uncertainty.
I didn't know what to do. Knew I was supposed to change. But didn't know how, still.
Just knew that things were supposed to be totally different.
I wasn't supposed to drink alcohol to excess any more, for one. No more relations outside of marriage, for another. And regular church attendance. And supposed to read the Bible.
And pray.
But I didn't worry about prayer, then. It didn't seem like too big a deal, with everything else that had to be taken care of, first.
I mean--five years of heavy drinking, and to just need to stop? So I tried. And tried. And kept trying.
And finally just started rationalizing it being an okay thing, so long as no madness went down.
And as long as I was in a committed relationship which was intended toward marriage, then certainly it was okay for premarital relations, right?
Yeah, those were the lies I told myself...and probably anyone else who might've had a moment to listen in on the attempt to rationalize away my sense of failure at "being a Christian."
I even called myself doing good works, going to church, talking to people about church, and talking with folks about the Bible. To such an extent that the first major job out of college was viewed as something I could use as a platform for good works (if it hadn't chewed me up and spit me out, in the way of total identity crisis regarding treatment of people--trying to view a place as a means to do good works, while attempting to reconcile absolutely inhumane treatment of others...doesn't long last, as goes sanity, for weak ones...same with the second retail management position).
But, yeah, no. I had it all planned out. I was going to do things. I was going to figure things out. Even as, after stepping away from full-scale focus on the occult still it was a daily practice--but I saw nothing wrong with these things, thought them given by God as a means to do what He would have me do. I thought He allowed me the strength of will and mind (which was such self-delusion, esp. considering how frequent were the breakdowns) as to make good way in doing what He would have done.
But, no, He is near to the broken-hearted, the contrite...those who know their bloodguiltiness and absolute wretchedness and lack and are absolutely mournful of these things.
He looks upon the humble, those who know they are nothing.
He is near to those who seek Him meekly, in truth, rather than according to their own, self-important sense of what is rightful approach.
Just...it wasn't until I saw that I had nothing to give...nothing I could do...nothing I could say...absolutely nothing, even for myself..
..that I was even then able to begin to know Him.
Unto months' worth of haphazard seeking, then, even to reach a point of humility enough as to see Him, truly. As Christ, my Savior. Lord of all of creation. He is Lord.
So, now, it's not a matter of seeking to repent and not do things, again, but a matter of seeking to know Him better. Knowing that drawing nearer Him, He will give repentance. And through that gift, there'll be a turning from sin that's not something I have to plan or strive for...but that, just out of such a strong desire to turn toward Him, in those moments of seeing the wretchedness of certain sins, it becomes wholly distasteful, loathe-some, even in the same moment as Christ has become that much more precious.
I don't press for repentance, in other words. I press toward Christ, and repentance is just one of the fruits He yields through the process.
Slowly, nearer. Ever nearer. Knowing, now, that I'm not the one in charge of my growth.
He is. He regenerated my spirit. He works sanctification. So, even when there are moments of uncertainty and of error, still...He's the one who will correct me. Even as He uses others, and Scripture, and whatsoever He will...to that end.
Just...there've been bits and pieces of Scripture, lately, which have utterly lodged themselves in my mind, regarding concept. I think each of the apostles mentioned something of the same, in their epistles, even. And it's just...it's something which seems so strikingly obvious, yet I've really started to wonder that it's completely overlooked, lately (which is much the reason for the one of some of last week's writing--frustration that it would be neglected). But not right now. I shouldn't have written out of frustration, period, but it happens. Thus, always a need for discernment.
Also, in other news:
I don't understand why we are a people who don't fast unto the Lord.
It's proven significantly edifying in my own walk, prayerfully entered and sustained (otherwise not at all). But there's a lot of negativity attached even to the idea of it, apparently.
Which...yeah, I guess if you think fasting is bad, you probably shouldn't do it. And if you think it's generally "wrongly done," I guess you really wouldn't be in a position to recommend it to others. But, whatever. As far as that goes, to each their own, as the Lord leads.
I don't have to understand, only obey. Although I am beginning to get the impression that there are definitely groups to whom the idea of personal revelation (thus explicitly stated) comes across akin to nails across a chalkboard. Still, I wonder what else they would consider salvation, regeneration, sanctification...except the most blatant and overarching of all personal revelations? Dichotomous/self-contradictory logic is just so...confounding, but all the moreso when it yet somehow persists, tangent to The Truth of all truths.
Any momentary bit of clarity is only that--momentary, so subject still to the constraints of time and space. One of the bits of Scripture that's absolutely stuck in mind, for the past months has been what Christ said of wisdom, in terms of where appearances of wholly disparate action (even so much so as seeming wholly contradictory)...whereas extremes are each denounced by the world...yet are justified according to the wisdom which guides such action.
In that John the Baptist lived what was considered a completely eccentric, absolutely ascetic, wholly fanatic lifestyle...and He was denounced by religious authority, even so far as that some considered him demon-possessed.
And, alternately, Jesus Christ--God Incarnate--freely associated with the "undesirables," "the untouchables," and even sharing meals and drink with them...such that religious authorities also denounced Him, calling Him a drunkard and glutton (at the least).
Superficial appearance would make it seem that those two lifestyles are irreconcilably different, yes. Superficial distinctions make it seem as though those are two opposite ends of a spectrum of potential behavior, regarding what ought be considered "righteous"...and what could be considered righteous.
Yet, Christ Himself said that John was greater than any man yet born of woman--He didn't fault His asceticism, His apparent fanatical adherence to such doctrine as he proclaimed, nor even in any way denounce his eccentricity as "turning people off, turning them away from God."
John's acts were apparently according to God's will, given that He was the one who "prepared the way of the Lord." So, it's not a light thing, even, to consider the way he lived...to speak of the eccentricities apparent (as noted by Christ, in noting those things being said of John)..
...he went into the wilderness, into the desert, fairly young. And remained there. Not sporadically chosen. Not a "statement" action for the sake of self-referential denouncement of society. But beseeching the world to turn, to repent. Pleading.
Just as Christ came to save the sick, the blind, the dead, the deaf, the dumb, the fatherless, the orphans, the widows, and all those who are lost, in want of a Shepherd.
Not those who see. Not those who are well.
But...
...those who know they are blind. Those who know they are unwell.
Only He can even make such a thing known, though, so deep is our pride.
...
Twice, in the past, I'd thought myself saved. Because I made a decision. Because I said a prayer.
Because I started doing what I thought was right, according to my understanding of Scripture.
..or attempting to, at least..
When I was young, I was scared into going to the altar. I don't remember the instance, I don't remember the year, I don't remember which church. But I remember the fear. The persistent fear.
Condemnation of sinners. The wrath of an Almighty God. And only One Way to stay out of hell.
Go and pray. Go to the altar and pray, and ask for forgiveness, and ask Jesus to be Lord of life.
I went, scared. The details are all entirely hazy--maybe they'll come into focus some other time.
But I remember kneeling at altars. Begging forgiveness. Terrified, sometimes. Terrified of my inability to ask correctly. Terrified of hell. Terrified that I'd done it wrong.
And then, hearing a pastor talk about how repentance meant that you couldn't do the same things anymore, there was a new fear--I found myself unable to stop doing the same things, and kept hearing messages that strongly implied that repentance wasn't something that made it okay to sin, but that unless sin stopped, repentance was basically invalidated.
So, I'd try really hard. And fail. Again. And again. And again.
Becoming less and less fearful and more and more dejected at my own inability. there had to be another way!
When I was physically cast out of church, the once, mid-90s...that was the end of a period of even attempting to try to do what everyone claimed was God's will, as far as repentance and ceasing from sin went. I didn't stop attending, because it wasn't my choice in the first place, but I started seeking solace and answers in other religions.
Up to that point, Christianity had only seemed to work judgment, pain, mockery, a lack of acceptance, fear, self-loathing, and complete uncertainty and inability. I'd had experiences of the truth of Christ, of God...but the church seemed to put to lie even those, for denouncing what bits had been personally experienced. And not denouncing per explanation, but denouncing per refusal to discuss, per a refusal to acknowledge...attempting to pretend things which weren't comfortable didn't exist. Or that they only existed within context of specific, limited understanding which yet wasn't able to account for experience.
I went the other way, then. The churches I'd experienced not only wouldn't answer questions, they refused to meaningfully acknowledge them in terms of actual experience. This, for Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Seventh Day Adventist, Pentecostal, Churches of God, Lutheran, Episcopalian, and howsoever many else there were, experienced firsthand as a welcomed visitor.
My mom used to travel to churches, you see. She sang by track, and I was her "road crew"--I carried the equipment, set it up (she tweaked and did wiring, really--I just hauled and positioned). Many services. Many congregations. Many pastors. Between that, and the churches which other bits of social involvement took me into, there was also ongoing, direct interaction with Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses.
No Amish, though. And I'm not sure of the representation of Mennonites. Very doubtful.
Either way, point being that there was a survey of a vast bit of the church, in terms of seeking answers in church. Not finding them. But only the same empty resounding, void of some tenor of substance only known per its lack, in persistent context of a desire to have it heard.
So frustrating. I delved into the occult, seeking answers. From one extreme to the other, in other words.
The church claimed God was supremely in control and omnipresent and omnipotent, supernatural and sovereign... ...and yet either shied entirely away from discussion of present-tense "supernatural" or indiscriminately ventured wildly thereunto...both of which...known wrong.
So, since the church didn't have any idea, and since my unregenerate and unrepentant heart didn't know what it meant to call out to God for answers...and couldn't bear to read Scripture, for the discomfort wrought in terms of His being sovereign..
..I went the other way, seeking to understand the supernatural in context of a line of practice which claimed to make distinctions and have discernment. The claim of knowledge and understanding and distinction...was so very appealing.
Problem is, that's all wrong. All which is, exists only in context of who God is. Not in any way apart from Him. To totally mangle a metaphor (or is it a simile?)--
...with the whole idea of God being like (and this is a terrible metaphor, but whatever) an elephant, and we're all like blind men groping to understand Him, but from different perspectives...
...it really was like hearing someone tell me that the elephant speaks (as goes the existence of the Bible, as revelation from God)...then choosing to go and fumble around for my own understanding, regardless.
So, given that I was trying to understand a realm which was far, far beyond mere mortal understanding...by groping blinding according even to shared stories from others who had experienced "success" according to their own processes of likewise blind groping...
...there was only deeper and darker faltering away from the light of His own revelation. But I had no love of truth, as to want to know truth on its own terms--I wanted to know truth according to my terms of willingness to consider and accept its import. Which...yeah, no.
Truth is truth, regardless whether we accept or reject it. Truth isn't true for some people and not-as-much-true for others. That is not truth. Truth is true, or it is not truth. And it does exist.
God is the author.
But I walked away from truth. I walked into darkness, wanting to know truth. Since that which claimed to be light had no answers, then I would seek in darkness.
And there was only pain. Suffering. Even getting to a point where I sought to find meaning in suffering, a-la-Buddha, so as to be free from it. To find a peace in all things. To find a happiness which surpassed circumstances.
In either self-denial or self-fulfillment. Alternating both. All the while finding life less and less meaningful.
It seemed that, if the only meaning to be had must derive from me, then I was insufficient to maintain. No matter which direction was pursued, ultimately.
What precipitated the second instance of prayer to Christ was an attempt to flee the darkness which was quickly enshrouding me unto a final death, from New Orleans then even again in Virginia. I was reckless and had no idea how to stop. And the tendency had only gotten worse and worse.
I knew death was soon coming, except that something changed completely. And moving cross country wasn't enough.
Something, though, within...said that Jesus was the only one who could stop it. He was the only one who could hold it at bay.
So, June 2010, a friend and I prayed that Christ would save me. I asked briefly for forgiveness, for Him to be Lord of my life perhaps, and then...felt slight relief but also complete uncertainty.
I didn't know what to do. Knew I was supposed to change. But didn't know how, still.
Just knew that things were supposed to be totally different.
I wasn't supposed to drink alcohol to excess any more, for one. No more relations outside of marriage, for another. And regular church attendance. And supposed to read the Bible.
And pray.
But I didn't worry about prayer, then. It didn't seem like too big a deal, with everything else that had to be taken care of, first.
I mean--five years of heavy drinking, and to just need to stop? So I tried. And tried. And kept trying.
And finally just started rationalizing it being an okay thing, so long as no madness went down.
And as long as I was in a committed relationship which was intended toward marriage, then certainly it was okay for premarital relations, right?
Yeah, those were the lies I told myself...and probably anyone else who might've had a moment to listen in on the attempt to rationalize away my sense of failure at "being a Christian."
I even called myself doing good works, going to church, talking to people about church, and talking with folks about the Bible. To such an extent that the first major job out of college was viewed as something I could use as a platform for good works (if it hadn't chewed me up and spit me out, in the way of total identity crisis regarding treatment of people--trying to view a place as a means to do good works, while attempting to reconcile absolutely inhumane treatment of others...doesn't long last, as goes sanity, for weak ones...same with the second retail management position).
But, yeah, no. I had it all planned out. I was going to do things. I was going to figure things out. Even as, after stepping away from full-scale focus on the occult still it was a daily practice--but I saw nothing wrong with these things, thought them given by God as a means to do what He would have me do. I thought He allowed me the strength of will and mind (which was such self-delusion, esp. considering how frequent were the breakdowns) as to make good way in doing what He would have done.
But, no, He is near to the broken-hearted, the contrite...those who know their bloodguiltiness and absolute wretchedness and lack and are absolutely mournful of these things.
He looks upon the humble, those who know they are nothing.
He is near to those who seek Him meekly, in truth, rather than according to their own, self-important sense of what is rightful approach.
Just...it wasn't until I saw that I had nothing to give...nothing I could do...nothing I could say...absolutely nothing, even for myself..
..that I was even then able to begin to know Him.
Unto months' worth of haphazard seeking, then, even to reach a point of humility enough as to see Him, truly. As Christ, my Savior. Lord of all of creation. He is Lord.
So, now, it's not a matter of seeking to repent and not do things, again, but a matter of seeking to know Him better. Knowing that drawing nearer Him, He will give repentance. And through that gift, there'll be a turning from sin that's not something I have to plan or strive for...but that, just out of such a strong desire to turn toward Him, in those moments of seeing the wretchedness of certain sins, it becomes wholly distasteful, loathe-some, even in the same moment as Christ has become that much more precious.
I don't press for repentance, in other words. I press toward Christ, and repentance is just one of the fruits He yields through the process.
Slowly, nearer. Ever nearer. Knowing, now, that I'm not the one in charge of my growth.
He is. He regenerated my spirit. He works sanctification. So, even when there are moments of uncertainty and of error, still...He's the one who will correct me. Even as He uses others, and Scripture, and whatsoever He will...to that end.
Just...there've been bits and pieces of Scripture, lately, which have utterly lodged themselves in my mind, regarding concept. I think each of the apostles mentioned something of the same, in their epistles, even. And it's just...it's something which seems so strikingly obvious, yet I've really started to wonder that it's completely overlooked, lately (which is much the reason for the one of some of last week's writing--frustration that it would be neglected). But not right now. I shouldn't have written out of frustration, period, but it happens. Thus, always a need for discernment.
Also, in other news:
I don't understand why we are a people who don't fast unto the Lord.
It's proven significantly edifying in my own walk, prayerfully entered and sustained (otherwise not at all). But there's a lot of negativity attached even to the idea of it, apparently.
Which...yeah, I guess if you think fasting is bad, you probably shouldn't do it. And if you think it's generally "wrongly done," I guess you really wouldn't be in a position to recommend it to others. But, whatever. As far as that goes, to each their own, as the Lord leads.
I don't have to understand, only obey. Although I am beginning to get the impression that there are definitely groups to whom the idea of personal revelation (thus explicitly stated) comes across akin to nails across a chalkboard. Still, I wonder what else they would consider salvation, regeneration, sanctification...except the most blatant and overarching of all personal revelations? Dichotomous/self-contradictory logic is just so...confounding, but all the moreso when it yet somehow persists, tangent to The Truth of all truths.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Pursue Discernment
We need have discernment. If you believe you have it, and yet don't continually refer to Scripture to test even that sense of certainty...there's a good chance it lacks truth.
Thank of it in terms of flavor.
(granted, not the absolute best of all means of considering supernatural reality, and yet...)
If you cook using various seasonings you will develop a familiarity which what each particular seasoning adds, how each complements others, and you may even come to a point of being able to recognize a particular note of flavor yet lacking in a dish, then being able to identify what need be added per a deep familiarity with its individual bouquet and flourish.
Alternately, you can also...quite similarly...tell when something is just a tad off. When there's too much garlic, or when someone used mint instead of oregano. And it just tastes wrong. The flavors don't completely meld together. Something is just...off.
And even if you can't quite "put your finger" on what that flavor is...the one which disrupts the composition of the all...
...still, you can taste that something isn't right.
And the more familiar you become with each individual herb and spice...the more familiar you become with the way different herbs and spices complement and accentuate one another, even--coming together into various harmonies and layers of complexity..
...the more readily and easily you can identify what's right and what's wrong, and in what measure.
Discernment is like that.
Constantly developing, even.
The deeper the familiarity with Christ, with the Holy Spirit, with the recorded word as Scripture (given so as to have a physical means of discerning and rightly judging, amongst so many things)...the more readily a wrong, sour note with be recognized and understood for what it is.
To put it slightly differently...
Spiritually speaking, you might not know what malice "tastes" like. But...if you hear someone speaking even Scripture with a certain edge to their voice which makes you shudder in revulsion as a cold chill runs down your spine at the pointed edge and vitriol with which they're speaking...then, still, not recognizing that distinct "flavor," you would recognize that response as being completely different to the warmth and gladness evoked within by anything spoken truly in love.
Not good examples, not very precise...especially as I would imagine these things are experienced slightly differently, person-to-person, even according to that which the Holy Spirit impresses and clarifies...
...but just to have something as somewhat a point of reference.
We're to test every spirit, after all. Every spirit does not exclude the Holy Spirit, given that John's epistle makes it plain by further stating that we test to see if it is from God. Meaning, even that which is from God...is being tested.
That's not done lightly, though.
Look to Galatians 5 for a decent overview of some commonly understood terms which are laced with "flavors" which constitute (in any way, as any part of composition) an "off"-note:
19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,
20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
...in other words, if you know what it is to experience something regarding sexual immorality (lustful covetousness having incited such, especially), impurity (conceit being a large factor, as self-idolatry made evident as reality), and all the rest...
...if you have ever experienced any of these, which you have in this world, then you will know what it "feels" like to act in such a way, to act according to such a spirit.
Mockery is of the same, even, in large part...as divisive, discordant, selfish/self-centered.
...and so are many other things, not mentioned.
But, yeah.
Further, it seems there can also be division between the spirit in which something was given/intended and that according to which it is received. Something can be done in love and received jealously and with hatred. Something can be done with an undertone of covetousness and yet still received (even filtered, so to speak) in a spirit of love.
Love is of God. But not love as the world gives. Unconditional love.
Peace is of God.
True joy is of God...
...and really, just again, look to Galatians.
And if there's something you're not sure about, press further into Scripture. Continue to pray for clarity. He will reveal the truth.
Just...it seemed right and good to share something to this effect, given recent messages.
I have to test myself, constantly. I have to test the spirit in which I operate, constantly, and constantly seek that I could less and less obstructively give heed to the Holy Spirit, alone.
But I am yet human, and being at all self-conscious means that there is an off-note which may persist too much, making it possible for reception to be set off-kilter. Moreso than it otherwise might.
And the whole deal of progressing too, it seems, is that there's an ongoing increase in clarity which makes apparent that certain things which once seemed clear were rather skewed and contorted, compared to that which is realized and understood and known as truth, even know.
Through a glass, darkly, after all.
All things must be done in love, though, and of matters which are so very urgent and concerning as those of late, I know part of my passage has been colored by frustration, meaning that there's definitely an off-note, already. So, some persistent obscuring of truth is possible, in other words. Otherwise, personal frustration wouldn't be part of the composition.
Hatred isn't of God. Frustration...well, really...it depends upon its source and object. And there...there is where the need for discernment comes in.
Because things which are right and good, in instance, are wholly wrong in other instance, dependent entirely upon the spirit from whence inspiration has come and per which action has been wrought.
Where is it sourced from and what is the foundation upon which it rests, in other words.
And even in terms of frustration...
...read Isaiah. There's a deeper layer than mere frustration, but superficial assessment of certain chapters evidences a frustration of sorts. And yet, it's not same as the frustration which we experience. But how can you know that, except for discernment?
All is sourced from love, a deep abiding love for those whose faithlessness is lamented.
Even unto grief, lamented.
Even as expressed, at time, as frustration...even per sarcasm..
Yet, sourced wholly from and resting soundly upon a foundation of abiding, unwavering, unconditional love.
Whereas...our frustration?...if it's not sourced in and from Him, even as such..
...then it's sourced from self, and some sense of self-sufficiency which can only be wholly wrong given there's no such thing as self-sufficiency, in truth.
So, sourced from the Spirit of God, or from that of pride?
How can you know, except for discernment?
We must learn to love.
The author of it is the only Teacher.
Seek Him.
He will show you. He will teach you, if you seek Him.
With all your heart.
...even having no idea what that means, then begin to seek to know what it means, so as to know how to do what is required and necessary.
Thank of it in terms of flavor.
(granted, not the absolute best of all means of considering supernatural reality, and yet...)
If you cook using various seasonings you will develop a familiarity which what each particular seasoning adds, how each complements others, and you may even come to a point of being able to recognize a particular note of flavor yet lacking in a dish, then being able to identify what need be added per a deep familiarity with its individual bouquet and flourish.
Alternately, you can also...quite similarly...tell when something is just a tad off. When there's too much garlic, or when someone used mint instead of oregano. And it just tastes wrong. The flavors don't completely meld together. Something is just...off.
And even if you can't quite "put your finger" on what that flavor is...the one which disrupts the composition of the all...
...still, you can taste that something isn't right.
And the more familiar you become with each individual herb and spice...the more familiar you become with the way different herbs and spices complement and accentuate one another, even--coming together into various harmonies and layers of complexity..
...the more readily and easily you can identify what's right and what's wrong, and in what measure.
Discernment is like that.
Constantly developing, even.
The deeper the familiarity with Christ, with the Holy Spirit, with the recorded word as Scripture (given so as to have a physical means of discerning and rightly judging, amongst so many things)...the more readily a wrong, sour note with be recognized and understood for what it is.
To put it slightly differently...
Spiritually speaking, you might not know what malice "tastes" like. But...if you hear someone speaking even Scripture with a certain edge to their voice which makes you shudder in revulsion as a cold chill runs down your spine at the pointed edge and vitriol with which they're speaking...then, still, not recognizing that distinct "flavor," you would recognize that response as being completely different to the warmth and gladness evoked within by anything spoken truly in love.
Not good examples, not very precise...especially as I would imagine these things are experienced slightly differently, person-to-person, even according to that which the Holy Spirit impresses and clarifies...
...but just to have something as somewhat a point of reference.
We're to test every spirit, after all. Every spirit does not exclude the Holy Spirit, given that John's epistle makes it plain by further stating that we test to see if it is from God. Meaning, even that which is from God...is being tested.
That's not done lightly, though.
Look to Galatians 5 for a decent overview of some commonly understood terms which are laced with "flavors" which constitute (in any way, as any part of composition) an "off"-note:
19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,
20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
...in other words, if you know what it is to experience something regarding sexual immorality (lustful covetousness having incited such, especially), impurity (conceit being a large factor, as self-idolatry made evident as reality), and all the rest...
...if you have ever experienced any of these, which you have in this world, then you will know what it "feels" like to act in such a way, to act according to such a spirit.
Mockery is of the same, even, in large part...as divisive, discordant, selfish/self-centered.
...and so are many other things, not mentioned.
But, yeah.
Further, it seems there can also be division between the spirit in which something was given/intended and that according to which it is received. Something can be done in love and received jealously and with hatred. Something can be done with an undertone of covetousness and yet still received (even filtered, so to speak) in a spirit of love.
Love is of God. But not love as the world gives. Unconditional love.
Peace is of God.
True joy is of God...
...and really, just again, look to Galatians.
And if there's something you're not sure about, press further into Scripture. Continue to pray for clarity. He will reveal the truth.
Just...it seemed right and good to share something to this effect, given recent messages.
I have to test myself, constantly. I have to test the spirit in which I operate, constantly, and constantly seek that I could less and less obstructively give heed to the Holy Spirit, alone.
But I am yet human, and being at all self-conscious means that there is an off-note which may persist too much, making it possible for reception to be set off-kilter. Moreso than it otherwise might.
And the whole deal of progressing too, it seems, is that there's an ongoing increase in clarity which makes apparent that certain things which once seemed clear were rather skewed and contorted, compared to that which is realized and understood and known as truth, even know.
Through a glass, darkly, after all.
All things must be done in love, though, and of matters which are so very urgent and concerning as those of late, I know part of my passage has been colored by frustration, meaning that there's definitely an off-note, already. So, some persistent obscuring of truth is possible, in other words. Otherwise, personal frustration wouldn't be part of the composition.
Hatred isn't of God. Frustration...well, really...it depends upon its source and object. And there...there is where the need for discernment comes in.
Because things which are right and good, in instance, are wholly wrong in other instance, dependent entirely upon the spirit from whence inspiration has come and per which action has been wrought.
Where is it sourced from and what is the foundation upon which it rests, in other words.
And even in terms of frustration...
...read Isaiah. There's a deeper layer than mere frustration, but superficial assessment of certain chapters evidences a frustration of sorts. And yet, it's not same as the frustration which we experience. But how can you know that, except for discernment?
All is sourced from love, a deep abiding love for those whose faithlessness is lamented.
Even unto grief, lamented.
Even as expressed, at time, as frustration...even per sarcasm..
Yet, sourced wholly from and resting soundly upon a foundation of abiding, unwavering, unconditional love.
Whereas...our frustration?...if it's not sourced in and from Him, even as such..
...then it's sourced from self, and some sense of self-sufficiency which can only be wholly wrong given there's no such thing as self-sufficiency, in truth.
So, sourced from the Spirit of God, or from that of pride?
How can you know, except for discernment?
We must learn to love.
The author of it is the only Teacher.
Seek Him.
He will show you. He will teach you, if you seek Him.
With all your heart.
...even having no idea what that means, then begin to seek to know what it means, so as to know how to do what is required and necessary.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Confusion Amongst the Masses
We act in such blatant opposition to God, so very often, even claiming it as service, as seeking Him. Rigidity, a hallmark.
His ministers, those who are led by the Spirit, were in passing referred to as being like the wind, and like fire. Think on these things. Neither of them can be readily grasped, cemented as known. Amongst many things, of one common is the fluidity of movement evident of each, even as the paths taken might be comprehended as understandable...making sense, given the nature of each, that they would act in particular ways or move in particular directions, according to their general, overarching nature and tendencies.
But is it the path which defines their course, or that which compels them?
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Love, Death, and Delusion
Moments of clarity come, sometimes, in the midst of seemingly mundane circumstance. Seeing clearly...or, rather, more clearly...for just a moment.. ..is such a blessing.
All anxiety falls completely away, as though it were never there. Fear of being rejected by others, fear of being misinterpreted, fear of being misrepresented, fear of being attacked..
..all fall away.
Concern falls away.
No sense of worry remains.
And it's as though the sky has cleared, and the sun shines so brightly through...illuminating the beauty all around, warming the heart to love all which surrounds, without regard for what might, could, or will come of any given moment. But just to be there, in the moment, experiencing a depth of the Lord's love in such a way as makes all life precious and brothers and sisters in Christ absolutely beloved.
Precious, so precious.
Those moments serve as reminders, serve as echoes, serve as a glimmer...of the depths of God's love for us.
All anxiety falls completely away, as though it were never there. Fear of being rejected by others, fear of being misinterpreted, fear of being misrepresented, fear of being attacked..
..all fall away.
Concern falls away.
No sense of worry remains.
And it's as though the sky has cleared, and the sun shines so brightly through...illuminating the beauty all around, warming the heart to love all which surrounds, without regard for what might, could, or will come of any given moment. But just to be there, in the moment, experiencing a depth of the Lord's love in such a way as makes all life precious and brothers and sisters in Christ absolutely beloved.
Precious, so precious.
Those moments serve as reminders, serve as echoes, serve as a glimmer...of the depths of God's love for us.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Post-Sustenance Self-Consumption
Principles of efficiency, conservation, and the like...have been revolving, as points of consideration, these past few months.
In terms of two particular matters.
First of all, as goes evolutionary psychology's/anthrolopological/sociological/philosophical explanations of the "origin of religion"...whence comes God, lest He predated our existence?
If the normative expectation of philosophical, ideological origin is that of efficiency of terms, efficiency of idea, then why would so complex and intricate and expansive an idea as God represents even within the most minute bit of our ponderings have sprung to fore?
...there's a baseline premise in process of considering the "idea" of God as something which would "spring naturally" out of man's conscience which is absolutely and totally erroneous, in terms of expecting that such an idea would be the least complicated solution for unexplained phenomena. Put it this way:
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
We Must Turn, All
What will it take? What will it take for us to come back to Him?
It has gone as this, again and again, and again. Everyone going off to do what's right in their own eyes, seeing no wrong in doing so--forsaking God, entirely, for the sake of believing in ourselves and our own efforts and what appear to be good fruits of those efforts...short term good, yet destruction on the whole.
Again and again. We do this.
From the beginning.
Ever turning to see...what it would be like to be God. And beginning to think it okay to wonder such a thing. Then, in so wondering, having wholly turned from Him. Into blindness.
Looking to self, looking into self...leads to deception. It is a deception to even do so.
There are no answers there, ultimately. None except of a need to turn elsewhere, there evidenced.
Contrivance against contrivance, ever unto more, and none ultimately suffice. If ever they had, there would never have come a need to continually press onward unto greater heights, deeper lows, broader expanses of attempt to comprehend and grasp at something just beyond our reach, yet which every part of us longs for, feeling it as though a need only attainable through that ..one.. bit.. more..
It has gone as this, again and again, and again. Everyone going off to do what's right in their own eyes, seeing no wrong in doing so--forsaking God, entirely, for the sake of believing in ourselves and our own efforts and what appear to be good fruits of those efforts...short term good, yet destruction on the whole.
Again and again. We do this.
From the beginning.
Ever turning to see...what it would be like to be God. And beginning to think it okay to wonder such a thing. Then, in so wondering, having wholly turned from Him. Into blindness.
Looking to self, looking into self...leads to deception. It is a deception to even do so.
There are no answers there, ultimately. None except of a need to turn elsewhere, there evidenced.
Contrivance against contrivance, ever unto more, and none ultimately suffice. If ever they had, there would never have come a need to continually press onward unto greater heights, deeper lows, broader expanses of attempt to comprehend and grasp at something just beyond our reach, yet which every part of us longs for, feeling it as though a need only attainable through that ..one.. bit.. more..
Monday, August 10, 2015
Famine and Persecution
Have attempted to start writing a few times within the past many days. There are just so many things right now.
He is answering prayers. Directing them.
I'm not sure how many of you are any way aware of the state of matters, globally, right now. In terms of truth. In terms of rebellion.
In terms of delusion and what sin works in and of and unto us.
In terms of what mercy works, of response.
It comes to mind, the anecdote regarding a Chinese missionary visiting America...being asked after some brief while of visiting a variety of churches what one point about American churches stands out most, to which the foreign missionary responds something of, "It is absolutely amazing how much you have been able to accomplish, and without God."
...a disparaging remark, entirely. In terms of the fact that the church is only the Church as she is in Christ. In God. Not apart from Him, whatsoever. Not one iota.
For, even as there's a concept of that being the case--of independent operation, as apart from God...it's merely delusion allowed, per each his own desire for such rebellion. He allows such things. Even giving a spirit of delusion, yes, that conscience increasingly ceases to plague.
As we desire rebellion, He allows us our sin. He allows us to choose to destroy ourselves. Even as He saves some for Himself, regardless. According to His good pleasure. To His glory. Even as His glory is supreme, even in the working of justice.
Sin, though. We have sinned so grievously. Casting all our thoughts away from Him, then lamenting our powerlessness. Becoming utterly consumed with distractions, then railing against a society which has progressively become bolder in denouncing His sovereignty.
We who are His have made His name a reproach among all the nations, you all. Seriously. All of us. We have made His name a reproach.
He is answering prayers. Directing them.
I'm not sure how many of you are any way aware of the state of matters, globally, right now. In terms of truth. In terms of rebellion.
In terms of delusion and what sin works in and of and unto us.
In terms of what mercy works, of response.
It comes to mind, the anecdote regarding a Chinese missionary visiting America...being asked after some brief while of visiting a variety of churches what one point about American churches stands out most, to which the foreign missionary responds something of, "It is absolutely amazing how much you have been able to accomplish, and without God."
...a disparaging remark, entirely. In terms of the fact that the church is only the Church as she is in Christ. In God. Not apart from Him, whatsoever. Not one iota.
For, even as there's a concept of that being the case--of independent operation, as apart from God...it's merely delusion allowed, per each his own desire for such rebellion. He allows such things. Even giving a spirit of delusion, yes, that conscience increasingly ceases to plague.
As we desire rebellion, He allows us our sin. He allows us to choose to destroy ourselves. Even as He saves some for Himself, regardless. According to His good pleasure. To His glory. Even as His glory is supreme, even in the working of justice.
Sin, though. We have sinned so grievously. Casting all our thoughts away from Him, then lamenting our powerlessness. Becoming utterly consumed with distractions, then railing against a society which has progressively become bolder in denouncing His sovereignty.
We who are His have made His name a reproach among all the nations, you all. Seriously. All of us. We have made His name a reproach.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Humbled in His Wake
So many things going on, right now. (Always, yeah...)
Moving again, day after next. A month in the place I presently am, not having intended to move here (hoping, but not knowing how nor when it might be possible). And in two days, I will have a room of my own. Officially.
And yet every time I begin to get caught in thoughts of what might be enjoyable for accumulation, I'm reminded it's not for me. Not for me, to give in to those cravings as to make plans to accumulate or beautify. Or even to make plans, in terms of tenure.
I can only know, for now, that I'll be moving in on Monday. And I know it's a year's lease, but that doesn't serve as my security in terms of being assured I'll be there for a year. Explicitly because my position, my placement, my location...are wholly dependent upon the Lord's will. Meaning that, were He to have planned that I move, it would be so.
Same as even with the move a month ago, for instance.
Even so recently, still...the movement has been so rapid, there's a struggle to grasp details fully.
I came to church. Spent time talking, after church. Ended up spending the night with a couple friends.
It was fine to stay over. And then there was talk of staying till Tuesday, to celebrate the birthday of one of my sisters in Christ...perhaps even to assist with set-up and planning. But on Monday, I was invited to accompany one friend's mother to Georgia, to assist a move.
The Lord had made circumstances coordinate such that it was possible to go without feeling a burden for having been absent so long. So I went, to assist in whatever way seemed possible. No idea whether that was successful, but it certainly assisted me.
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