Songs: Jesus, Your Love; Only Your Love

Except it be of Him, there's no substance.
And there's a cost: Absolutely everything.

There's no half-way, to Jesus. We're either for or against Him. 

As the heart of the matter.

I had no idea, before being shown, resentment and hatred even existed against Him in my heart--He took a month, showing me. And for all the many years prior, I'd maintained belief that I had some sort of sidelong respect for Jesus. I'd had myself convinced I sincerely cared about Him, even still refusing to acknowledge His (sole, exclusive) ownership of myself, my life, my will, and my ways (not as though I'm perfectly obedient, unfortunately, but He works out our sanctification).

Same is for us all, though--He is Lord. Master.
Whether we want Him to be or not. 

Fact is, He's God, Creator, and Master of all. Being King of all, He is exclusively sovereign in majesty, power, and might--in glory, dominion, and wisdom--explicitly means He's the author and ultimate authority of us all.
Whether we like it or not.

I thought I was just fine with Him being God, for a long while--never realizing I was only okay with the idea of Him being God, but not the practical application in terms of what it means of my life and my will.

Means He has the right to tell me what to do, and when and how. As He sees fit. 

Means He has the exclusive right to ordain the way my life proceeds. Period. 

I was enraged to be unavoidably confronted with that fact, initially: Utterly indignant. Offended. Utterly resentful of His right to exercise prerogative over and in "my" life...over me.

And, eventually--over a month-long course of being unavoidably and continually reminded of His sovereign right to my life and my will and my ways--there was also presented the fact that His sovereign domain would be effected in me, whether I liked it or not. There was only a choice, of sorts: willingly bow to His sovereign right to my life here and now, or do so against my will hereafter and unto the eternal torment cemented by my refusal to submit in the here and now. 

With a choice like that, which isn't a choice, the choice was obvious (ultimately, after being confronted with it for a month...increasingly clarified). And especially given my penchant for doing things to spite myself, as resentment in my heart was so prevalent, to throw myself headlong into submission to His sovereignty was very willfully done even to spite my emotions.

And again and again, He's asked me to count the cost. Without knowing details, but knowing expectation of loss. Losing all things, moreover, in a sense...to Him.

Whatever would obscure devotion and pursuit of Him would rather be taken than allowed to remain. And He's merciful enough and kind enough to do so.

But He gives gifts, too.
In ways which won't obscure, but will help to draw nearer to Him.

Entering into difficulties for the sake of pursuing Christ--knowing they will come, even if only silently acknowledged--is worthwhile: Exceedingly better to have Him than all the world. Better to have Him and absolutely nothing else, than to lack any possible knowledge of Him and yet have anything else which obscures vision of Him.
That is pretty much the choice. In everything.

He helps. He has to--we're not so much capable of doing or even properly wanting, so contorted by sin's machinations that even the best of intentions are often sullied by sorely mixed motives. Well meaning, and yet divided.

But His love is sufficient. His mercies endure.
He will deliver us even from ourselves, if we would but ask.
And seeking Him, He gives all we need and so much more than we could ever dream to hope for...of needs and joys and blessings and fellowship and peace and all which is good. Prospering in Him, even being utterly bankrupt of the world.

In so much as He will keep me, I will not compromise. And yet it's only as He keeps me that I'm able to refrain.

I am very much prayerfully seeking His guidance in a particular matter which has unexpectedly overwhelmed me, entirely. Especially as seeming to drive me further to Christ, rather than distracting from Him: I'm in unknown territory, completely. Blind, except that He would have mercy and direct.

I will trust the Lord.
And eventually I will sleep, too.