Christ Is Life

All the suicide attempts have now culminated to remind that I am especially not my own. So many attempts--even just a matter of seriously reckless living (nearly abducted once, even--the Lord has been very merciful).

To begin again, though:

None of us are our own. Period.

We are God's creation. We are His to do with as He wills.
Per matter of which we had ought be particularly grateful He's good, loving, and just.

Rebellion has been permitted, but it doesn't change the facts of reality. We're still subject to Him--entirely, ultimately. Just, He allows the delusion of independence. He allows the travesties wrought per such defiance. He does actively mitigate the damage, though--actions defiant against His perfectly good moral order reap consequences which would destroy us entirely except that He intervenes. Christ interposed Himself, on our behalf, to pave way for mercy...to intervene, on our behalves, with grace.

He is Master of all. He rules, supremely.

Whether we acknowledge Him as our God or not doesn't change the fact that it's so. Denying truth doesn't change truth, it changes us...blurring perspective per deviation from truth, at the very least. Even unto greater and greater deviations.

But truth doesn't change. By its very nature.

With those who have come into relationship with Jesus Christ as Lord, in the here and now--being reconciled through Him into right relationship with God, receiving regenerate spirits inclined to seek and serve Him. Reborn to desire His fellowship--delivered out of spiritual death, through identification with Christ's death and resurrection. By His Spirit.

Those are His own especial, cherished portion. Made sons and daughters. Adopted through Jesus's sacrifice and resurrection, become one with Him, spiritually.

We are aware we're His. We've been told it, by His very own Spirit. Received witness, by His Spirit--even through His recorded Words, receiving witness.

It's easy to get distracted from the truth of the matter, though, living in a world which demands self-reliance and constant action. It's easy to consciously forget that every breath and thought belongs to Him. That it's His life we're now coming into fuller experience of--our own having been forsaken and ended on the cross.

None of us would be alive if He weren't merciful. The consequences of sin would have eradicated us all, time and again, through the ages. So, even on that front--He's secured His right to us.

But that's still difficult to grasp, sometimes. Still difficult to come to grips with, when there are matters of particular hope or intent. Needing surrender, but longing for particular ends.

Forgetting, in part, that He is the sovereign.

It helps me significantly, in those moments, to remember specific instances when He's outright purchased my life. I would be dead, so many times over. So dead.
Many times. Even perhaps beginning with the first death--heart stopped, breathing stopped, unexpected--I was too young to even have memory of the event. He spared me. So many times. All my life. Again and again.

Falling off the balcony to land on my head, breaking my neck and fracturing my skull. Poisoning myself with many things, many times. And other instances where death was only held at bay by His direct intervention--sometimes specifically allowing me to clearly know and witness His intervention.

But it's a good reminder that I'm not my own. He has all rights to me.
Period.

To whatever end He would choose. By any means.
Having Christ is beyond comprehension, of good and hope and joy and peace--so, how could I step away from Him?

In truth, I don't want life except that He's my constant companion.
I know it's a gift. I know it's a privilege. But I'm just that wretched.
I don't even want to live, except that I am kept in joy and peace, hope-filled and replete with love...in Christ's constant presence.

So, I'm grateful to be reminded that He is everything.
I'm grateful to remember that my life isn't my own. And that nothing which I have is mine. And nothing which I might ever have or know is my own.

I don't care, beyond having Him--even despite sometimes longing for earthly things. Still, anything that would distract me from Him would be to my death--to another reminder, then, of His pre-eminent claim on all I am.

Being spared by Him is being reminded of His prevailing rights to my life.
He is merciful enough to keep me from lingering long in delusions otherwise.

And that's well enough for me. I'd rather have truth.
If it meant having nothing and no one else, besides, I'd still and always rather have Christ.

And to love Him is, in some capacity which is only now becoming more clear, to continually be forsaking all else. Not without love for others, no.

But in comparison? Christ is all. And He is trusted and trustworthy to keep all which is committed to Him--far better than any of us ever could.

But, just...again, thinking about so many times having died and been spared--my life isn't my own. People don't take it seriously, when they hear that--not even those who know Christ as Lord, usually.

But it's true.

Apart from Him, I don't have desire to live. Nothing other that Jesus, Himself, has ever been enough to inspire a desire to remain. And given the travesties which are increasingly known and recognized, of this world...so often, there's desire to depart this plane. Never except by His will, though.

Someday He'll let me. But neither my life nor my death are my own to decide.

He's made that amply clear.
I'm very grateful.

And I don't care who derides or mocks or chastises or howsoever else--doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, doesn't mean I'm not tempted to give in and cease waiting on the Lord...but I'm going to continue waiting upon Him, for direction.

Period. Even if it sometimes looks like inaction, to others. It's not. Things come up.

And as with things given a few weeks ago, month, however--He uses us regardless our awareness of what's going on. Despite us, moreover.
So, there's more going on than I'm even marginally aware of, from what He's given.

And I have no idea what He's preparing me for, even. I mean--the current job, for one, is something that has utterly blown my mind...as far as how He's taken all the horrors and wretchedness of years prior and redeemed them to His use. If only per the silence and service attuned per such awareness of the depths of my own depravity, as to love and have compassion.

Could be anything, though. Definitely didn't expect the conversation, Thursday. Nor last Saturday. But knowing Him, He'll use those moments. To some end which He alone really knows.

It's the same, of us all. Turn to Him and ask.

It's not of us. Even coming through us.

His life. His.

And He gives gifts, besides--the greatest of which is Himself. Continuing to ask for greater measure of His Presence. Because, why not? He said to ask. Specifically for His Holy Spirit.

Even just to be empowered for service.