I'm working on being willing and able to really listen to this. By which I mean I'm praying the Lord will help. And expecting He will. And attempting to continue and draw nearer in the meantime. Waiting.
Funny, how there's such a difference between listening and hearing, even. I have consistently and continually been blind to so much which is apparently obvious to most folks. Majoring in the minors, oblivious to the majors. So to speak.
Which has been one of the points of difficulty, coming to know and trust the Lord. He has said things, and I see evidences of His love. And...He does manifest grace to me, for me, through me. But still...still...I manage to doubt He could possibly love me.
Which is bad. In so many ways.
I've just been wrong about so many things, so many times. Being right about anything seems utterly inconceivable. Impossible, even.
So, I have to leave myself out of this. And just take Him at His word. And experience the glorious wonder of His Presence. And the absolute joy of His love. And the brilliance of His peace.
Because if I think about it, at all, except as just accepting...it all disintegrates beneath the weight of self-consciousness and fearfulness.
It took a long time to get to a point of being able to accept His love, and He was merciful enough to have it be in such a way that I was totally dazed and incapacitated from having ability to even do anything other than be amazed.
Yet now that He's allowing me to know Him more and choose more wholeheartedly, increasingly to love Him...I will choose to do so. No matter what. Trusting He will keep me, even when my heart fears being crushed and utterly destroyed, yet again.
I will love the Lord, and He will help. And any pain He would allow to come to me, along the while of opening more completely to Him? I know He's good, so I know it will be to a good end...and to a deeper experience of His fellowship and love, moreover. I would do anything to be nearer Him.
Because of that, "hello" always feels slightly like "goodbye," though. There's awareness that Jesus has to come first. Period. And knowledge that He will keep me in such a position as to ensure that's the case. For my own good. Because it's what's right and good and anything else reaps destruction.
But that doesn't necessarily mean, perhaps, that He won't allow me longstanding fellowship with others. Maybe. However He wills. I am just incapable of comprehending how that could be possible without detracting from devotion to the Lord, and while pressing toward further devotion to Him moreover..
...it's not enough to merely refrain from detracting. There's abject need to direct toward Christ. Otherwise, it may not be as obviously destructive, but no less yields death per stagnation.
Nope. Just no.
So. Again and again, there've been things which I've expected were totally impossible that He's manifest in ways which were utterly, incomprehensibly wonderful beyond what I would ever have even dared to dream to hope for, let alone to ask. Again and again. Even now, of particular fellowship.
So...I'm just going to trust Him. And love Him. And let Him lead.
Because He's worthy. And because I want to do so.
No comments:
Post a Comment