Coming to know the Lord has been so much like this, in ways. Running for years. And even coming to know Him, still running...still hiding. Still afraid. Just even grieving that He would cease, rather than to have hope and have it dashed.
Expecting abandonment, loss of interest, so doing as a friend recently noted of initial involvement in marriage--fearfully doing everything in my power to drive Him to leave me. Attempting to prove myself entirely unworthy, entirely worthless, unpalatable, and to make it clear there's no point in trying to believe otherwise. So rather to be abandoned at the outset than years or even months in to actual dependence upon His presence just to survive. Fearing even to become accustomed to the peace and hope of His presence, expecting Him to withdraw at any moment...then, to find myself entirely bereft of all hope and utterly destroyed, yet again.
The fear's still not completely gone, honestly. There's a small part of me that still thinks at some point the Lord will tire of me--just not devout enough, not impassioned enough to His cause, not intelligent enough, not active enough, not witty enough, and the list goes on, of all the reasons which might seem apt.
I trust Him despite the fear. I trust enough to take Him at His word, despite the fear.
When He says He's not like us, when He says He's faithful, when He says His love is eternal and holy...and He'll never forsake me. That He loved me enough to die for me, so He won't let me go...ever. And won't leave me alone, no matter how bland or simple or non-sensical or inept I am, at time--that His love won't waver, then or ever.
And I know He understands me, too. Beyond my understanding of myself, entirely. But still isn't dissuaded. Isn't going to become disinterested as a result of familiarity, and adopt an attitude of disdain and derision. He won't tire of me. He won't get bored of me. He won't resent my presence.
The Lord won't disdain my love, no matter how frail and uncertain in comparison to His. He doesn't disdain me. He died for me.
And for you.
And He will keep me, no matter what.
These things are very slow to be learned. Only if I don't think about them is it possible to just...accept His love, in peace.
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