But For Love

To say that the process is awkward would be an understatement. Yet...only to the flesh--to that which craves self-centered indulgences at the expense of any else. To that sneaking, slithering bit which so loathes the thought of being restrained from any varied hint of nonsense which might otherwise, anywise, eventual seek a giving in...rationalized, per course.

But no.

That is self, exalted against Christ. That is the world, yet to be sloughed off, along course of increasing in conformity, moving nearer His glorious being, transformed from image to image, as He comes revealed.



There's such a battle being waged within, though Christ is the victor. He reigns, and yet there are rebel powers which must be brought into subjection to His will. Forces, even within, which are yet to be conformed.

Longing, though, for it so.

To forget self, completely. A staggering, fearful, terrifying thought for any so self-consumed as would ever otherwise have sought self-fulfillment.

Yet self is death. Christ is life.
And dying to self, I live in Him. Yet not I, but Christ, as it were. As Paul said it.

Merely logistics, then, as a matter of sanctification proceeding.

I have been heartily blessed by the counsel of others who walk closely with the Lord, these past many weeks. There's come an increasing awareness, uncertain yet looming larger, of the nature of particular things to come. Yet fear decreases.

Pain, too, is a state of mind.

When it comes to resting in the Lord.

Even as...precisely concerning such a thing, any release or restriction or reprieve from being mulled in pain would wholly be by grace, per His good will. Not assured, except that He is good, thus never falters nor forsakes, so always faithful is He.

Resting in His promises. Longing to grow from a place of such little faith. Broken-hearted at the thought that He would ever have reflected tenderly, yet so solemnly, at the thought of whether there would be faith in all the earth, when He returns. Longing to be one in whom He would find that which He would seek--even knowing it's wholly given by Him, from the fore unto completion.

That duality is rife of so much...proliferate of all, perhaps.

Synergistic, friend Jess has called that, of a particular. Apt.

Of things recent, though. There's been such blessing. Internal battle has mounted to new heights in the midst of total change, in the midst. Even unto assault come by way of dreams, again--speaking threats, still, as I was drawn out of the one from last night. The Lord held me secure, though, and the only returned speech was gentle retort that "He is my rock, He will not falter nor forsake me"...or some along that line, perhaps verbatim, perhaps not.

Either way, that yielded rage which was then wholly muted by the weight of His love, as I was swept entirely out of reach...or, rather, shielded entirely by the precious goodness of His peace.

Rather than praise, this time, it was screaming which woke. In desperation--desperate a means to stop what I was witnessing proceed, unable to step in otherwise. Screamed awake. Still praying for my sister. My nieces. My brother-in-law.

It woke one of the girls up, here. She came and spoke with me. We prayed. Read Scripture. Aloud.
And returned to sleep.

The blessing inherent that all...there aren't words. I would long to express in some way meaningful quite how humbling, hopeful, blessed, wondrous, and gracious is all which has gone on of late. Those with whom I have recently been so blessed, so severely blessed, as to walk and live and pray amongst...are so absolutely precious and beloved. To Him even far beyond what I could begin to feel and realize, yet still...to me, so deeply as I'm capable, even as He still exceeds...per who He is.

But it's like coming into a place of light and air and space and warmth, having been prior mired and imprisoned in a dank, claustrophobic cave. I've been struggling against the temptation to wholly reject this peace and warmth and goodness, for fear of having it snatched away...for fear of peremportily being rejected. Which such temptation wholly ignores that Christ is the one who keeps and succours, not even all the world of those others who are His. Even as we are one, in Him. Still, He is all.

Anxiety has been a constant foe, in other words. Even knowing it's the Lord who will keep me. No matter what were to come. Even as He is the one through whom all which might come would have to pass, to even come near me--knowing, further, that all things work to good for those who love Him (good=to His glory).

So, yeah. Trust. Needing come to a place of deeper trust. More abject reliance. And yet there's nothing I can do, nothing any of us can do, ultimately, except seek Him to make the change. Even knowing it a blessing to know that He need be sought for such a matter, then being blessed as to be able to so seek.

Needing Him for all things, constant. Increasingly aware of the need of Him, moreover--there has never been a point of lacking need for Him, only a delusion of being independently capable. Decreasing delusion, then, by grace...mercifully.

As it be His will, then, there'll still be times gives to this space, here. It seems perhaps become a weekly event, maybe? No idea. Just that it is good to be able to glorify Him publicly for a moment, even quasi-anonymously. But for the sake of longing that He might be glorified through me, in some way as He would condescend to so do.

Seek that He will glorify His name in all the earth. He has done it before, and He will do it again. Seek Him diligently, that He will do so, though.

His name is being blasphemed in all the earth, right now, and if that doesn't rip your heart to shreds to know...to consider...diligently seek that He would become so precious as to have it so. Because there's nothing else, other than Him. All else is rubbish, apart from Him, apart from that He is the giver of all which is good.

The earth is full of sin and absolute wickedness, right now. I don't know how close we are to having come to a fulness of sin, but...the wickedness being glorified in all the earth (even at alternate ends of the spectrum, then still at extreme ends of a spectrum of wickedness)...even calling itself love, in so many ways: love of one another which yet serves self, love of self which yet reaps destruction, love of the earth which yet denies the Creator...love which is not love.

4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 [a]bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

That's all, though. Love Him. Strive to love Him. Diligently seek Him, to know Him more. Seek that He be known and loved and cherished above all. There is no higher calling. No greater need. He is all, in all, and all which is rejoices in Him--even unawares, whole denying.

That is the travesty, of all. Heart-wrenching. Thus, even, to desire His name be glorified. That HE will be glorified.

In all the earth.
For love of the Lord.