So many things.

These past few days have been a struggle. Watching suffering and being unable to do anything to truly alleviate...

...there's an ongoing "internal" pressure to give directives as to how things "ought to be." There's an ongoing battle between a high-handed urge to proscribe needful activity/outlook and need for simply acting and speaking all things in love, without incentive except to love.

The conflict thereby has remained concentric about an idea that acting in love should somehow require overt confrontation of fatalistic thinking and action.

...needful suffering to handle the destiny God has for us--just spoken by a pastor whose sermons are appreciated. He just mentioned the necessity of refraining from self-willed desire to coach others in spiritual development, as the Holy Spirit is ultimately the only adequate coach.
...in line with all that, we'll be in constant conflict, as to grow spiritually. So, we must prepare ourselves for incredible suffering.

Makes so much sense. And is all the more reason not to alleviate the suffering of someone else when the Holy Spirit says not to do so, beyond just whatever love can be genuinely expressed.

...today's message has been all about how growth requires realizing incapacity. How the Lord shows Himself strong in my weakness when I reach the point where I'm no longer attempting to assert my own capacity for survival. It's necessary to realize I'm not able, is what I'm being told--I have to humble myself before the Lord, in respect to the realization that it's impossible for me to get through the struggle, myself. A greater degree of reliance, more fully conscious and more fully realized.
Because there's no alternative.

That's the thing. There's no alternative. Either fall apart completely under the pressure, and end up falling on my face before the Lord through pain and fear, or fall upon my face before the Lord in trembling humility with the realization that there's nothing humanly possible which can be done to survive, but that He is more than capable--His grace is always sufficient.

Those are the options.

Same as with there only being either "Faith or Death." Period.
And I choose faith. Even knowing it's only that the Lord keeps me in faith that such a thing is even possible--I'm not capable of maintaining faith, even, on my own. He has to keep me on that count, too, even as in all ways.

The way the idea of marriage was just presented, in terms of it comprising a rite of passage in growth, seems very curious. There's a lot of truth in what's said, that marriage and family provides a litmus test as to whether a person is capable of leading a flock, but that's still an incomplete picture. Otherwise, Paul would have necessarily had a family. It does, however, still hold very true in terms of the necessity for Biblical administration within the marriage, within the family, and within the church--that each does and will necessarily hold true to Biblical precepts, otherwise indicating need for greater discipleship with the Lord and insufficient maturity as to lead.

It's still just a strange point, for me, having necessarily renounced the idea of marriage and family as idols...but, then, a further angle thereabout...for a decade and a half, family and society have persistently derided and admonished my unmarried state, especially as without children. Since I'm not married, somehow it's still expected that I should at least have children. But neither have apparently been in the Lord's will for me, so it's well enough to accept and especially now having died to the ways of the world...to carry on in doing all which can be done, in His service, given all which He has provided and made way for.

Another incomplete picture which has been recent fixation exists in terms of the idea of decisional regeneration. There's some strange sort of disconnect, still, between the knowledge that salvation is a work of God, and the point at which man comes in. To the extent that, on one hand, there seem to be folks who don't believe that salvation should be presented as a choice whatsoever, except that folks go through a process of ardent pursuit and mentoring...and, on the other hand, folks who think that there's somehow no disconnect between a belief that proclaiming the Gospel is utterly futile, yet that altar calls and leading folks in a sinner's prayer are valid.

It has seemed that, given predestination and the Great Commission, there's necessity for proclaiming the Gospel to all ends of the earth regardless of what means or methods are used. The Lord will use whatsoever He wills as to draw in those who are His due, and by grace may it be so, so many. So, it's just...on the one hand, there seems to be need to try to restore brothers and sisters who have wholly wandered into the doctrine of men as to believe themselves glorified by their own works and ways--such that they take for granted that anything they decree is supreme as the Lord's will. There's got to be some means to bring folks back toward Biblical discipleship in the Holy Spirit--the Lord can and will have His own, even as He prescribed means and methods of discipline within the church in Scripture.

Just as...who are we to say that the Lord won't use whatsoever He wills as to yield the harvest of those who the Father has given Him? Granted, Biblical professions of the Gospel seem to be that which Paul attested to as the power and glory--the Gospel, itself, is what Paul seemed to be convinced was what worked salvation in others. Best as it's read to me, at least, proclamation of the Gospel has seemed what most performs the miracle of regeneration--betwixt, above, beyond, between, and around all else which might be brought in. Saved by grace, through faith. And faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God. Jesus is the Word, and all who call on His name will be saved. Believing that He, God Incarnate, came as a perfect sacrifice for the propitiation of our sins, dying to take death captive through His resurrection, then ascended to reign forever as our King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He reigns, now and always. And believing this, knowing it as truth--that He is the only Way, the Truth, and the Life--confessing it with our mouths, then, we are saved.

Still, there seems attempt to distill doctrine out of the Bible, rather than continuing in the knowledge that all Scripture is useful for instruction and doctrine. Not bits and pieces--all.

Just like...we can't really take just bits and pieces of God and worship that, and willfully ignore the rest of His attributes, and consider it valid. Which...we're incapable of knowing Him in His entirety--He's infinite, we're not... ...but to pretend He's constrained to our moment-by-moment comprehension of Him, entirely, invites a strange sort of disconnect which becomes increasingly self-referential.

That's one thing which is difficult, is all. I struggle still with accepting that there's no end-all, be-all to understanding and worshipping the Lord. I so want there to be an unwavering regard to move further and further into. I so want there to be a set-list of proscriptions for behavior and interpretation which doesn't vary, regardless of circumstances. I so very much want there to be a set of guidelines which are always entirely clear and which make clear everything that ever happens, so there's never any struggle to determine exactly what to do. And it's a terrible thing to want these things, because each and every one of them at core indicate a desire for self-reliance rather than reliance upon the Lord.

Which is terrible, and I hadn't even realized it as that till just now. But that's what it is. A desire to be able to be self-reliant, to know good and evil, rather than to rely upon the Lord. Oh..

That's terrible. Because He's so good. He loves me. He loves all of us, and His mercy is evident in that even those who oppose Him are alive with time yet to repent. Even as those who are His...continue to repent.

Even that...the ongoing, constant shift and change...would be overwhelming, except that there's possibility to rest in His love.

So many things. So many, many things. He's so faithful in showing me what needs to be tended to, is all.

Today has just been given to weakness, unfortunately. Gave in to overeating, and I've been praying so much about that...it's so very bad to give in to such a weakness. Food is for the belly and the belly for food, but eating should be gratefully undertaken as necessary to survival, rather than becoming given to indulgence. I'm sick of it, and even being surrounded by it doesn't mean anything. Just as with the smoking, I've just been given to ask the folks who have been the ones to constantly encourage over-indulgence to pray for me in regard to the particular short-coming. With the cigarettes, once the main person who had been encouraging my smoking was asked to pray for abstinence, they ceased encouraging me to smoke.

Just...it has to stop. There has to be more fasting. Has to be. Somehow, not being in the normal place has really drastically affected everything, though. Having to make accommodations for prayer, without the usual place to retreat to, has been very strange. The whole has just highlighted weakness and insufficiency.

Especially as concerns love. All the while, there's been an internal struggle over whether to assert my own "rights" as "an individual" as opposed to going all-out in whatever capacities can be fulfilled as to express love. Just the fact of the internal struggle has been shameful. So what if doing what love requires means that I'm not able to do the things I would prefer? The Lord will provide for me, and ensure that my needs are met--I don't have to try, and it's best that I not seek their fulfillment.

Matthew 6:33 has become increasingly, increasingly alive over these past six months. To the extent that yesterday, it further took on another wholly unexpected, supremely vital level of depth and breadth and width, yet again. Meaning that, even as I wait on the Lord, I must foremost seek first His kingdom and His righteousness. All things necessary will be given, but I must seek His kingdom and His righteousness, above all things. Loving Him above all else, beyond all people and things, seeking Him with my entire being, and evermore requiring Him as THE vital necessity which He is...then, also loving others, so much moreso than myself even--loving others to the extent that their comfort, preference, needs, and well-being are far more important than my own self-seeking interests. Because the Lord will provide for me, so I need not seek for myself--I need seek for the Lord and seek for others. That His kingdom come, His will done on earth as in heaven. Whatsoever is required.

Humility, though. Is painful. It runs against every fleshly impulse which still desperately needs to die. Humility requires that my own comforts and desires become completely void. Even as there's an odd sort of apprehension, now, over how that will outplay in regard to seeking the Lord above all else. There has to be some sort of balance, always, so even in crucifying self...it still has to be done in terms of following the Lord, rather than just in sacrificing myself to any and all who surround.

That's the only which yet comes to mind. There still has to be discernment. Prefer others above myself, subjecting myself to the Lord as to serve others. If I serve others outside of subjecting myself first to the Lord, I've stepped into disobedience to Him, is all. So, this is going to be...another very tentative venture, wherein all thought must be further subject to the Lord.

Given the struggles, thus far...

...it'll be fine, because knowing they've been as they are empowers to prayer. And He's faithful.

There have just been so many things attacking, trying to get me to step off into anxiety and into doubt and into overt questioning...and into planning. But I can't plan. It's not possible, given that everything is by the Lord's will, regardless. That's been one major point of humiliation, these past many months--starting out with some larger degree of pride, seeing needs and asserting designs to tend to those needs, then coming to realize the obstacles and being prevented by prioritization of other more necessary tasks from being able to fulfill professed plans... ...to the extent that, even trying to sign up to volunteer for certain things...even knowing and admitting to others that it wasn't something I was permitted to do... ...it's humiliating. Because there was no way to know that 24-hours prior to the date of volunteer, the pastor would blaspheme in the pulpit and the Spirit would be so grieved as to have me running sobbing from the church...then terrified at the prospect of returning. Even as, because of having made other plans within that 24-hour period...which also were unable to be kept...because of those plans, though, it was possible to speak with a second of the church elders from that place about why return was given as not possible.

It's just a constant temptation to want to tell people I can do this, that, or the other thing for them, so as to "help" them. And each time I've done it, willfully, I've gotten to eat my words. Even as last week and this week, it wasn't possible to make it to church on Tuesdays--at least I hadn't given in to telling someone who'd asked that I'd be there for certain. The things which were undertaken instead were of higher necessity--prayerful and in abject service.

Tomorrow, again. Don't get me wrong--I don't want to. But it's not about me. It can't be. It won't be. There's a need which has been given, and so long as the Lord still wills that I be given to fill it, then so shall it be. Even as there's no understanding, whatsoever, of how best to proceed. Just prayerfully.

So many, many things.

Even to find out that the one sister who was given to blasphemy and has been attempting to renounce the family...has now approached my father for money, again. So very disheartening, except for knowing that the Lord is sovereign...and that He does have plans for good for us, and He will bring us into that good.

So many, many things to keep praying about.

God bless you all. I pray that He keeps us close in these very tumultuous days, such that the storm which rages does nothing to touch our hearts, even as we find more solid purchase in His heart and His ways through deeper realization of quite how chaotic all else truly is. He will keep us and continue to perfect the work which He has begun in us, unto the day of completion.
Such an ardent prayer, that He does find faith in us when He returns. The thought that He would ask such a thing, even rhetorically, is heart-rending...oh, Lord, we do have faith. Please help our doubt, Lord. Help us to have the faith which will please you, increasingly.