Finney made reference to some fellow of his acquaintance who perpetually went about figuring out how not to sin by trying to route out the source of the initial deviation, then piecing it apart and resolving not to continue in similar ways.
More or less the same bit of stuff that's gotten me absolutely nowhere.
Grieving to sin, becoming absolutely desperate over lack of control over impulse, attempting to abstain from all things which might tempt or even put in the way of potential for temptation (asceticism was more or less the by-line along which recent courses developed, since May), and just basically living out the majority of that bit in Romans 7, wherein Paul talked about not being able to do the things he wanted to do and yet doing the things he didn't want to do.
Yeah...so, about that..
The part where he resolves the chapter by referring to our Lord? Yeah.
That's everything.
Finney talked about it, in terms of how it's a complete reliance upon Christ which effectually frees a person from sin. Not a mental reliance, though. A spiritual reliance.
Which...that's a distinction which goes beyond adequate ability to relay in words.
And I'm rather ashamed to admit the amount of timidity experienced in regard to considering that course, for the all. Just...I don't trust myself. At all.
I don't trust myself to be able to continue to rely on Him, in that way. Because it's something that goes beyond just thinking about relying on Him.
Fasting provides the clearest means of expressing the way it seems, as it goes. Wherein there comes a point, during fasting, wherein the impulse to consume something...anything...becomes a physical yearning, beyond just a craving. And there's a choice, then--either give in, or find solace in Christ as to weather the cravings. Either rely more deeply on the peace of His presence, or give into temptation.
...just, it's a choice as to whether to continue and press through to a further, deeper experience of His presence...or give in, and indulge in fleshly desires.
Which, yeah--the belly for meat, and meat for the belly. But what of the part where the body is for the Lord? If the body is yielded wholly to physical satiety, then wherein is the Lord's due?
I just keep being reminded, too, that He keeps me...not the other way around.
So, if I've faltered, there are certainly reasons. Whether they ever become known is of no matter, overall, so long as the course continues...so long as progress ultimately results, cumulative and comprehensive.
The whole idea of walking with the Lord is just so daunting, honestly. I talk to Him about that, periodically, but especially in moments like this one--when there's just been another faltering step, when He's caught me up again to Himself just as I'd nearly completely lost all sense of awareness...or, this latter, at least to such an extent as to have constituted a substantial, lasting regression.
I ask Him a lot about how this all does seem, in very odd yet distinctly different ways...to somewhat mirror the way things had been all along. Periods of ardent progress, passionately pursued with complete abandon...movement gradually halted by a perpetually amassed onslaught of information being accumulated far in excess of capacity for assimilation...which lack of movement allows for processing and cumulative comprehension, while also beginning to allow for a certain amount of degradation of perspective...degradation leading to certain amounts of regression, which then must be corrected for prior to entirely proceeding.
Things have changed, though. I don't understand the whole of it, either. Just that...He comforts me, and He's been the one to keep me from declining too far, even. He stopped me in my tracks, twice, yesterday. Not with reason, either, which is what had always been referred to as the means of correction... ...no, but with comforting reassurance.
It's just a further revelation, on the whole, that I can't do this. I'm not capable.
He is.
And apparently, it's time to read Ecclesiastes.
May append to this, after doing so.
...
wow.
So, yeah. Solomon.
Except that he believed in God, he was basically a nihilist. Going to have to read over the last three chapters a good bit, to glean. And I'm constantly reminded of how much a fool I am, but...eh, what to do, except to pray?
Most days, it would seem better to be mocked as a fool than contemned as wise. Not an intentional path, though, so the larger part of hindsight is an attempt to reconcile self to the state of matters.
What does it matter, though? Whether people think I'm foolish or wise, it doesn't change anything.
And compared to the wisdom of God, everything is folly. As Paul put it, compared to the foolishness of God, man's highest wisdom is even yet folly.
So, the only point which matters is of Christ Jesus. The only one who ultimately matters is Him--our Lord.
Reading through some of Basilea Schlink's books, a bit...and yeah.
...just had a moment, again. I only have excerpts from her books, as from sermonindex.net. Tried to see what else could be found, wandered across a pit of darkness. And...yeah, still lurked too long.
Just...pursuant to a conversation with one of my brothers, a couple days ago...it's all the more apparent, even here--there's a division, in the world, whereby some choose misery and others joy.
I'm fed up of misery. It doesn't suit me, and I'm sick of it. There's more than enough to go around, honestly, so why pass the plate? I don't want it, don't need it, and so long as Jesus is my Lord--and, by His grace, so shall He ever be, as it's written that none can snatch those who are given Him by the Father out of His hand...so long as I'm His (ah, forever), then joy of Him is my strength and misery isn't mine.
I mean, goodness...the apostles rejoiced in their persecutions! Surely it's possible to here and now aspire to and attain something of that same resilience in the Lord. Because none of that sort of stance comes outside of the Lord, no, but given possibility...
...
Just remembered some anomalous goings-on, from these past few weeks. The whole "other spirit"-stuff Paul talked about. (Prefaced, now, by saying "Why not?" to going wheresoever the Lord leads...)
It's a coldness, bounding across and trying to find access. Skittering comes to mind, to describe. Just...such a coldness. Clinical in its coldness.
Very strange.
I trusted the Lord to keep me safe, though. This time, aware that something was "off," prior to beginning prayer. Praying to the Lord all the while, then. And no pain came in, this time... ...the weird fluttering went from one place to another, but only superficial--no point of entry. All the Lord's doing, preventing.
No idea, though, on the whole. That just makes two individual sources, is all. Each seemingly possessing the same odd effect, although there's absolutely no way for me to know anything beyond what the Lord allows...and all that's given thus far is just what's been recorded immediately above.
Many, much prayer.
If I'm going to have to deal with this sort of stuff, randomly and without expectation, the Lord will provide all that's necessary to resist and to do whatsoever He wills, along the course.
Especially given that tonight has served as a confirmation of prior, uncertain observations (tonight marks a fourth instance). Just...so very strange.
If there's anyone out there who's not given to complete insanity or tangent Christianity who has insight into these sorts of things, I'm sure the Lord will make a way. Unless He chooses to further instruct and guide, personally...which, really, is probably the better of all options.
I'm so glad He's with me. Seriously. It means I don't need to be afraid of anything, really. Being His means that nothing can or will happen to me unless it's through or by His will. And, as all things work to the good of those who love Him...and I am beloved...then, it's not a far reach to realize He's got a lot more incentive to seeing me well kept than even I'm capable of mustering (on my best day).
Just...it's really getting tiresome, dealing with some of these nuisances. Even as the Lord's preparing each and every one of us to deal with all we needs must as to overcome, then so need this be done. I am so over these things. So, so over them.
And, then, there's the fact that really...the only thing worthy of mention is the Lord's name and His marvelous graces. Jesus, King of all, Lord of all, God Almighty and Everlasting Father. Wonderful. Counselor. He who overcame the world, and who took captivity captive.
I know there will be other days, and He'll remain. Things will change, but He won't. And, even as much as He's prepared me for this moment, up to this moment, so is He preparing me for the next, even up to that very instance.
He has never forsaken me, and He won't. He's not a man, that He should lie. And He hasn't. And He doesn't. And He never will.
His promises are sure, and are yea and amen. And there's no one in whose care any of us should rather prefer, than His. He cares for us beyond our ability to comprehend or even to conceive the depths and breadth thereabouts. His love is all-encompassing. Our God is a consuming fire.
Hallelujah!
And, just to say...no matter who were to read--that He is "Our" Lord and "Our" God doesn't change, regardless of beliefs. Truth is true, regardless of acceptance. And Jesus is most assuredly the Way, the Truth, and THE Life.
wow.
So, yeah. Solomon.
Except that he believed in God, he was basically a nihilist. Going to have to read over the last three chapters a good bit, to glean. And I'm constantly reminded of how much a fool I am, but...eh, what to do, except to pray?
Most days, it would seem better to be mocked as a fool than contemned as wise. Not an intentional path, though, so the larger part of hindsight is an attempt to reconcile self to the state of matters.
What does it matter, though? Whether people think I'm foolish or wise, it doesn't change anything.
And compared to the wisdom of God, everything is folly. As Paul put it, compared to the foolishness of God, man's highest wisdom is even yet folly.
So, the only point which matters is of Christ Jesus. The only one who ultimately matters is Him--our Lord.
Reading through some of Basilea Schlink's books, a bit...and yeah.
...just had a moment, again. I only have excerpts from her books, as from sermonindex.net. Tried to see what else could be found, wandered across a pit of darkness. And...yeah, still lurked too long.
Just...pursuant to a conversation with one of my brothers, a couple days ago...it's all the more apparent, even here--there's a division, in the world, whereby some choose misery and others joy.
I'm fed up of misery. It doesn't suit me, and I'm sick of it. There's more than enough to go around, honestly, so why pass the plate? I don't want it, don't need it, and so long as Jesus is my Lord--and, by His grace, so shall He ever be, as it's written that none can snatch those who are given Him by the Father out of His hand...so long as I'm His (ah, forever), then joy of Him is my strength and misery isn't mine.
I mean, goodness...the apostles rejoiced in their persecutions! Surely it's possible to here and now aspire to and attain something of that same resilience in the Lord. Because none of that sort of stance comes outside of the Lord, no, but given possibility...
...
Just remembered some anomalous goings-on, from these past few weeks. The whole "other spirit"-stuff Paul talked about. (Prefaced, now, by saying "Why not?" to going wheresoever the Lord leads...)
It's a coldness, bounding across and trying to find access. Skittering comes to mind, to describe. Just...such a coldness. Clinical in its coldness.
Very strange.
I trusted the Lord to keep me safe, though. This time, aware that something was "off," prior to beginning prayer. Praying to the Lord all the while, then. And no pain came in, this time... ...the weird fluttering went from one place to another, but only superficial--no point of entry. All the Lord's doing, preventing.
No idea, though, on the whole. That just makes two individual sources, is all. Each seemingly possessing the same odd effect, although there's absolutely no way for me to know anything beyond what the Lord allows...and all that's given thus far is just what's been recorded immediately above.
Many, much prayer.
If I'm going to have to deal with this sort of stuff, randomly and without expectation, the Lord will provide all that's necessary to resist and to do whatsoever He wills, along the course.
Especially given that tonight has served as a confirmation of prior, uncertain observations (tonight marks a fourth instance). Just...so very strange.
If there's anyone out there who's not given to complete insanity or tangent Christianity who has insight into these sorts of things, I'm sure the Lord will make a way. Unless He chooses to further instruct and guide, personally...which, really, is probably the better of all options.
I'm so glad He's with me. Seriously. It means I don't need to be afraid of anything, really. Being His means that nothing can or will happen to me unless it's through or by His will. And, as all things work to the good of those who love Him...and I am beloved...then, it's not a far reach to realize He's got a lot more incentive to seeing me well kept than even I'm capable of mustering (on my best day).
Just...it's really getting tiresome, dealing with some of these nuisances. Even as the Lord's preparing each and every one of us to deal with all we needs must as to overcome, then so need this be done. I am so over these things. So, so over them.
And, then, there's the fact that really...the only thing worthy of mention is the Lord's name and His marvelous graces. Jesus, King of all, Lord of all, God Almighty and Everlasting Father. Wonderful. Counselor. He who overcame the world, and who took captivity captive.
I know there will be other days, and He'll remain. Things will change, but He won't. And, even as much as He's prepared me for this moment, up to this moment, so is He preparing me for the next, even up to that very instance.
He has never forsaken me, and He won't. He's not a man, that He should lie. And He hasn't. And He doesn't. And He never will.
His promises are sure, and are yea and amen. And there's no one in whose care any of us should rather prefer, than His. He cares for us beyond our ability to comprehend or even to conceive the depths and breadth thereabouts. His love is all-encompassing. Our God is a consuming fire.
Hallelujah!
And, just to say...no matter who were to read--that He is "Our" Lord and "Our" God doesn't change, regardless of beliefs. Truth is true, regardless of acceptance. And Jesus is most assuredly the Way, the Truth, and THE Life.
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