For nearly three weeks, there's been nearly constant onslaught of doubts, fears, anxieties, condemnation on every front, and all the like. From the moment I wake up till the time I sleep. In the midst of being overwhelmed by griefs, one after another. Not loss on every front, but feeling so much like it.
A step further, last night, though. Being confronted by...I don't even have words. Even trying seems like it would do injustice to the gravity of the situation.
Suffice to say, being blatantly condemned with all the condemnations private of the past few weeks in the midst of wholly simultaneous exacerbation of grief...just...is so much. There's no response. Nothing which wouldn't constitute self-justification on some front. Nothing which wouldn't undermine the legitimacy of grief. Even contemplating is nearly as much, despaired of except that these things have to be confronted in some capacity, openly, so as not to allow darkness to permit some further festering of quite what is the matter.
In the midst of taking all to the Lord, today, last night, this morning...of desperation and absolute lack...He was so gracious as to very gradually, pointedly remind me of the cross. And remind me of my position.
All condemnation of human actions, if ever apart from Christ, is right and just. Apart from Him, from His active intervention--my every action is suffused with ulterior motives, slyness, self-serving intent, self-preservation, manipulations, and every manner of wickedness. Merely for being diametrically opposed to God, for ever having even marginally deviated from His will. He is just that good, is all, such that even a slight parting is an infinite statement of defiance against goodness.
So, the condemnation of my past...and of anything which isn't done in subjection to Him? Is just. And right. And true. I am wicked and a wretch and evil, except for Christ living in and working out sanctification in me and through me. Even despite my flesh, for there is sin which is still at work, though I now despise it rather than sickly and gratuitously indulging and cavorting in it--only ever lamenting the ill after-effects, before. Now despising and lamenting of the sin and the temptation to sin.
Yet whatsoever any sin still works in or through my members is still every bit as wretched as any sin which ever did, is the thing.
Meaning there is no remote possibility of self-justification. There is no justification of self. Not in self. Not of self. Only of and in Christ. And I am not able to know the depths of my own heart, still, even as to know what degree of turning has come in alongside many things.
But the moment that was realized, earlier today, the reason the condemnation has been holding so much fearful sway became very clear: There has yet been a deep-seated inclination toward self-justification, within.
Whereas I feared and tend toward fear of condemnation, given the unrecognized, unconscious belief which lingered. As though still, somehow, my actions are or were or could be somehow justifiable in themselves. Apart from Christ. Then, if so, they would be under condemnation of God's wrath, which ought to be feared.
But no. What and who I was died in Christ's death. And who I am lives in His life. Justified in and of and by Him, alone. Not of self. So there's no fear in condemnation. Because there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ.
He bore my shame. He took my place. He satisfied the penalty, the wrath reserved for me, for my sin.
And how easily, how quickly, how obtusely I wander from this truth by ever finding any purported solace in anything apart from Christ--as has much been the case, unfortunately increasingly, for the past few months. And the more I depend upon anything apart from or "in addition to" Christ, the more open to attack and delusion and confusion and despair I become. My life is in Him, only.
Earlier, when wholly accepting I deserve condemnation, wholly embracing how utterly wretched are my acts when of my will, of my intent, of my mind, strength, flesh, and heart...the Lord held me still, in the middle of the onslaught. And fear attempted to overwhelm, while condemnation attempted to utterly consume me...
...and though it surrounded me entirely and suffused my every breath for many moments, the deeper peace of Christ wasn't touched, wasn't moved. And it was in Him I rested. While wholly accepting I deserve condemnation. Accepting it wholeheartedly. But...increasingly made aware that it was in context of being accepted and made acceptable in Christ, through His sacrifice for me. I didn't expect to not be overwhelmed. I didn't expect to not be completely devastated. Condemnation used to utterly destroy me, when it came. A wretched, broken, devastated, hopeless mess with no means of even knowing how to breathe.
But the Lord kept me still. And was my peace. Knowledge of who He is held me at peace in the midst of the torrent, the torment, the attempt to destroy.
So the tactic shifted at that point. Because, in acknowledging I totally deserve condemnation, I'd acknowledged that sin was and is worthy of abject and total and unwavering condemnation. I'd fully embraced the truth, in context of accepting the fact I am utterly unworthy and absolutely insufficient of justification of my actions, of my being, of my sin. Per wholly embracing and realizing that I cannot justify myself nor my actions, my thoughts nor my ways--none are justifiable, in themselves. Period. Otherwise, Christ would not need have come.
So pleading to God for mercy, alone, and honestly coming to Him with the truth of my insufficiency and unworthiness, all over again--seeing sin so truly horrid, so wretched, so damaging--there was then a moment where temptation began shifting, trying to then draw me into thinking, "well, after all, maybe you're really not that bad...maybe those things you did and the ways you acted and the things which still happen aren't all that horrible--I mean, you did the best you could, right?...given what you knew? And you do the best you can, now, right? What more could God ask of you?"
Which is the point at which the Lord brought me to the cross, again. Because the cross of Jesus Christ puts lie to any attempt to justify sin, ever. For God to take on flesh. For Him to so humble Himself as to come as human, incarnate--the sovereign of the universe, full of all power and grace and love, becoming man, the creature...so to put sin to death, in the flesh? That He would endure unto death and bear the wrath due? To make a way for us to be delivered? To become the way for our sin to be atoned?
For any sin, He bore the wrath due--for lying or suspicion or lust or greed or impatience or pride or being snide with someone. For any sin--that God in the flesh would suffer and endure wrath so to atone for it, then each and every one is and must be worthy eternal punishment, His wrath due.
So--to answer the temptation--yes, I was every bit that bad. Every small lie. Every shift of the heart. Every disdain harbored even slightly. Every bit of envy. Every moment of jealousy. Every single instance of ever thus or otherwise turning my heart against God and also others. Each was due eternal wrath, justly. So, each was and is "that bad."
And every single which remains and will ever be until the end...is that bad. So, I laughed--absolute absurdity, to attempt to condemn, find my condemnation spent on Christ, then attempt to get me to justify myself? Utterly ridiculous.
Condemnation thus didn't yield despair, once the seed of self-justification was exposed and surrendered. Attempt to pare off sin's horror and travesty was attempted, erronenously. Attempt to justify sin was attempted. But the cross of our God and Master, Christ Jesus--Immanuel--puts that to an absolute lie.
If there had been another way... Consider that He is not one to use more than the necessary force--He restrains so, so much, actually.
So, if there had been a means of atoning for our any sin which would have permitted for less than God, Himself, becoming flesh and enduring our deserved wrath so to atone for it--justice served that mercy might be extended without compromising His perfection...if there had been another way, He would have done. But as it stands, every single sin took His death on the cross to make a way for us to be absolved.
So, for any and every sin to require such an incomprehensible sacrifice?
Sin is that bad. Every time. Every...single...one.
Knowing that and turning to Christ for forgiveness and for deliverance breaks the hold of condemnation, though. Accepting it's true--we do deserve condemnation. Each and every one. And there is condemnation for sin. I am that bad. We all are. Except Christ. Or, rather...But God:
4 But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us,
5 Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;)
6 And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus:
7 That in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus.
8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.
10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:4-10
And so, I am free. In Christ, alone. Free in Him.
Though, yeah--I'm a despicable sinner. Utterly wretched. But for the grace of God, I would stand condemned. But in Christ's death, my sin has been tried, condemned, and punished. Because I deserve condemnation. Absolutely. Totally. On every front. No argument there.
But God...
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