Trials.

Being tried on all sides for the past week and some. In the midst of loss, especially trying. Vulnerable, weak, and struggling with temptation rather than turning to the Lord.

All sorts of difficulties dredged up, regarding family, friends, community, self, and the hope for marriage. Being shown hopelessness and despair, being condemned and shown my wretchedness outside Christ as though still ever-present.

And floundering beneath the weight of temptation. Except that the Lord prompted and gave strength to begin to speak to a couple others who walk with Him and are His. Each of which manifested such grace, directing thoughts to Christ and reminding of things He's said. And of His good will.

Still in a weird shock, grieving yet unable to much cry. Cried a couple times but under the weight of such shame as has been attempting to completely undo and draw all focus from Christ...release wasn't afforded. Rather than trusting the Lord and collapsing, even to grieve...fighting the grief. And remaining in shock.

And now, still so confounded and overwhelmed and shocked...

But no more of this other. There will be time to grieve. And the Lord will be there.

And of all the rest? It's in the Lord's hands. What I want doesn't matter in context of desiring His will, foremost. Whatever the pain, if it be so. And if He calls me to walk, I'll walk. And if He calls me to stay, I'll stay.

But I'm not allowed to isolate. Because to do so would be even worse.

Which is probably why the temptation to do so had been so especially strong.

Divide and conquer is definitely something I'm vulnerable to falling prey to. And, instead, this time the Lord directed to others who are His. Because He's provided community. And none of us are perfect, but those who love Him do manifest His grace toward each other. Even if unknowingly.

So, however all things go, so long as the Lord's will prevails (which it will), things are well. No matter if excruciating and if the process requires more strength and patience and love than I've ever known. It's the Lord who directs and guides and keeps me. Not myself. He does.

Being done is like that, though.

Furthermore, I'm sick of the torment of myself and those I love. If it continues, then as the Lord wills, whatever it takes.

And something came back to me today, of remembering--one of the major points of developed fearfulness of marriage has had much to do with believing there's no way to maintain ardent devotion to Christ in the midst. Because that's how life had been--the closer a person becomes, the more distracting from Christ and truth.

But that's unsustainable. And if that's what anything would be, then I wouldn't want it, anyway. Would be worse than walking through a minefield. And more damaging, in ways.

I will seek Jesus, I will serve Him, and I will love those whom He puts me alongside--whether for a season or for the rest of my journey here, on earth. Without expectation except to expect and require the Lord's leading.