Being Borne

Was reminded today that the battle isn't mine. It's not about me. And the things that have been haranguing, plaguing, belittling, sewing suspicions unto divisiveness, tormenting, and otherwise attempting to convince of all evil and doubt and fear and misgivings about myself, the Lord, and others...are evil. But they aren't sovereign. Whereas, Jesus Christ most certainly is. So being tempted to give in to all manner of self-flagellation for the sake of surrendering to what amounts to continual assaults by varied temptations...isn't about me, isn't of me, isn't in control, and most certainly isn't of Him. He overcame. And in Him, so have I.

He freed me from all manner of wickedness, and being plagued by guilt over being harassed into near-despondency and abject confusion (apart from the peace of the Lord) doesn't change the fact that Christ bore my sins and sin no longer has dominion over me. Which I'm fully aware doesn't mean I don't sin. But it means that I have One to whom I turn and confess, who is faithful and just to forgive and cleanse from all wickedness. Ongoing. Seemingly incremental. Sometimes seeming to be cyclic. But cumulative, nonetheless.

So temptation isn't a thing borne without hope. He always gives a means of escaping it. And never allows it be more than what I can bear, and always provides a way of escape. All the worse to ever be overtaken, in context of reflecting on His goodness, love, and grace. But, striving onward. And whatever is necessary to continue after Him, putting to death the deeds of the flesh, setting aside the weights that encumber...so be it by His grace working in me accomplished. Regardless of me. Because He is the one in charge of me.

As far as defiance goes, then let it be now put to use against the wiles of the enemy. I was so defiant. For so many so-called reasons. I refused to listen to people, no matter how convincing, unless it made sense. Had to learn things the hard way, my own way. And I did take into account things I was told with intent to restrict and direct me, but it didn't define my path ultimately. When I did submit, it was a concession according to my own reasons. And not all of that prior bit was a fleshly, sinful tendency. Otherwise, there'd not have been a redemption unto conviction and persistence as has been to prompt following the Lord at the expense of all people known to me, prior. Every relationship that He showed to be untenable--no matter how painful, either completely broken after sharing howsoever as possible the Gospel...or so utterly reduced as to be non-existent, now.

Not an easy pursuit. Never was, before, and although when I left family and moved cross-country before it was for the sake of saving myself (unto death)...against all advice and against all expectation...for the sake of pursuing whatever could be pursued, unto life, I went. Even carrying the idea of death with me. At least to try. To be free of what was killing me, though slightly expecting to die nonetheless. For the sake of pursuing what seemed right, good, and necessary. I did whatever it took. Even including waiting 9 years to be able to pursue one particular ideal, of life in New Orleans--the only place I'd ever felt at home, accepted, until now walking in presence of God.

Before moving to Florida in 2002, I went to the girl who'd agreed to move to New Orleans with me first--expecting she was still in on our deal to go there and work toward having a coffee shop/bookstore. She recanted without a second thought, and even laughed at me. Sure, we'd made the agreement sometime probably 1994 (a year after experiencing feeling at home--feeling hope for myself, for the first ever sincerely grasped--there)...but I thought it still stood. It took another three years to get there--the only people I could get to leave WV were set on the Tampa area. But I'd decided in sixth grade it would be nice to live at the beach, so that seemed good to attempt. And did it. And it was okay.

But it wasn't New Orleans. I still didn't feel at ease. And then, New Orleans. And feeling at ease. And being assaulted on all fronts, again and again, unto death. Never so dire as could have been encountered, but only because of grace. But the further mired in, the darker life became, and the nearer death. And people tried to warn me against staying there, in 2005--said it would kill me. And I had a feeling it would, but felt obligated to go and do and "give" as much as I could, whatever the cost. Even wanting and hoping and longing for change to spring up, there, though not exactly through me.

But it did kill me, once. Nearly so, except the Lord also delivered, a couple times intentionally more. And only He knows how many times else He preserved my life, in the midst of the chaos. I used to think of it something like going into the underbelly of all society, completely off the grid, totally off the radar. In the darkest pit of darkness. Because as much as other metropolitan areas are dark and dangerous and all manner of chaotic, they aren't consciously and actively seeking spiritual forces and worshipping them, outright. Whereas, in New Orleans, there's a conscious nod to the spiritual, and to demons particularly. Socially acceptable to many. Or in the social circles I ran in, at least. How much deeper the darkness, then.

Eh. Anyway. Point being, if the stubborn/persistent/tenacious/dogged determination streak was so used to defy God, then all the more had it ought be redeemed unto pursuit of Him at any and all costs. And He has been redeeming it, as such. Despite detours which have revealed my penchant for still seeking to tangibly understand anything and everything ...or to know things and be accepted...at the expense of reliance upon Him for revelation, direction, and company, outright. As seeking counsel and striving for acceptance amongst those blindly accepted as godly, while refusing to heed His conviction in the face of being told things which run counter to His will.

He's been working on that, though. So, not nearly as bad recently as it had been, last year. I don't expect to be drawn into weirdness and error by folks who are near to Him. But we're definitely all at the mercy of God, and fall prey to temptations as only are common to one another unless we remain perfectly submitted to Him (yeah, about that...there was One who came..). So it happens. And usually totally unawares after the fact, apparently.

Being laughed at by a bunch of demons through a church crowd is unnerving, to say the least. But, again--whatever. It doesn't matter. Just all the more to surrender. And I've been blatantly manipulated as such once (to my knowledge, as it goes) since coming to know the Lord, if only for a couple minutes of dazed inability to respond and think rationally. But...live and learn. And all the more to seek and remain in the refuge of the Lord, then. Because He's bigger, stronger, and impenetrable. The other used confusion and fear and shock and uncertainty to gain sufficient foothold to then suppress. All being opposed to faith, love, peace, and trust.

But the Lord has let me see. And didn't let me fall fully into the pit of beating myself up over the ordeal, despite there was legitimate grief to note my failure to love and be steadfast. All the more to resolve to remain near to Him, even though the process of being drawn back out of myself and out of idolatry of others is decidedly painful. Less so this time than last, for having not run quite so deeply and rampant. Though differing in particular consistencies, as not without hope in the Lord of the all, now, too. Committing all unto Him means all and sundry, regardless.

Trusting. Yet not blindly. Because He is known.

But it's what it is. And whatever it is, it's in the Lord's hands. And that's enough. And He'll lead and keep moment by moment, henceforth, and have to continue to deliver me unto Himself all the while. Because I am not capable. But He's willing and able.

So, there's kind of a two-fold thing, here. On the one hand, recognizing again with slight more clarity failing to honor the Lord sufficiently, thus allowing room for temptations such as unto fears and despairing and all the madness else. And on the other hand, resolving all the more, again, to trust Him to keep me near. Because even my stubbornness is only as good as His keeping. Otherwise, I'd just be stubbornly defying Him all the while thinking myself remaining steadfast in the faith.

So, thus now being more consciously surrendered to Him for redemption as He sees fit--as of all the things of self were, though each is individually being called for collection still (which is so confounding to me--to surrender entirely at the outset, abjectly despairing of self entire in light of witnessing Him and His incomprehensible goodness, purity, love, and worthiness...and yet have each individual bit come up, particular, for a more consciously regarded surrender? Just wild.)...then let Him set my forehead beyond flint to honoring Him, seeking Him, doing His will. Not fearing man nor any created being, over all of whom He truly and wholly has sovereign dominion. Because His will will be done, ultimately at every turn. To His glory.

So, what once tendency was given to evil may He redeem all the more to good. Which isn't of me, ever it comes. But He's willing, and I'm available. At His mercy. But ever the more set to pursue at any cost, if unto Him and honoring Him. That is enough. Because He is worthy.

And that's also one of the main reasons that I don't expect to ever have a second (or a first?...me as number two?). Because whatever would get in the way has to go. And even if I'm not strong enough to ensure it be so, I trust Him to do so. Because I don't want my will. The things I want...I have and will continue to surrender to Him, whenever they crop up. No matter that some things sometimes do seem very much to be of Him and of His will--I trust Him to clarify, I trust Him to take away from me (no matter how painfully) those things which aren't in fact His will. I am easily deceived, except He clarify and preserve. But I trust Him.

Seriously. He's delivered me again and again. And again. All my life, really, despite the many years wandering through all the dark corners which seemed distinct enough to warrant exploring as some previously "unknown" avenue...ultimately, the search was and is for truth. And Jesus is the Truth. The Truth.

And there's still confusion, but He'll bring me back to simplicity. Or whatever approximation thereof suits His will and making of me, but just as unto clarity of Him as foremost.

Today, though. The reminders. The battle being waged isn't my own. And He is sovereign. In tandem, very liberating. Remembering who He is and what He's done and what His will is.

He clarifies or there's no clarification. He justifies or there is no justification. He delivers or there is no deliverance. He saves or there is no salvation. In Christ, alone, all hope is found.

And all the day, today, in training...talk about hope. Again and again. And the recurrent theme of the training as to classify and describe and outline and give standardized procedures for the particular role He's led me to, of current financially gainful occupation...yesterday, was described in context of the whole "light at the end of the tunnel," saying. But (and this is paraphrase of the trainer) we go to people who may not even see the light, at this point. We go to them in the darkness and take their hand and tell them there is light.

And, further today, another parsed it down to...not being about the light at the end of the tunnel, we go and hold their hand in the dark.

Remembering all these things before the Lord on the way home from church, tonight, He struck me to realize something. In context of remembering willing entering darkness and thereafter being assaulted on all sides, yet not giving up except unto God. I'm not alone there, in the fight, in the darkness.

So by all means, if (or, more precisely as given: when) I enter darkness to take the hand of someone so enshrouded as to no longer see light...I will take their hand and be alongside and endure their battles, too. But I don't care what anyone else chooses to do...if I'm going to join someone in the darkness, I'm bringing a Light.

Which doesn't mean I won't struggle, stumble, or fall.
What matters, though?: He never will.

His faithfulness is astounding.