Thursday, June 22, 2017
Grief and Suffering: Cold Comforts vs. Christ's Keeping
He is so gracious. There's still the option to be completely overwhelmed by pain, again, rather than remaining focused on the Lord, on who He is, on His presence. That's totally an option. And the temptation to turn to bitterness, to pity, to so many things likewise...is ongoing. Even temptation to turn away from Him, in the midst of this. But no. There is no other help. There is no other hope except Jesus. He alone can help. He alone does.
Time doesn't heal. It alters. It allows for a sort of veil to fall over the depths of grief, overwhelmed by further and other events. But Christ, alone, heals. He's let me see the truth of this very clearly, as He's been walking me into and through the beginnings of healing wounds from my childhood and adolescence and now, into adulthood, these past many months. With fresh, still, to bear.
He's been helping me through remembrance, in so many ways, bringing so many pains into subjection to truth. And just reminding of His faithfulness in some of the more recent.
When Granny died, the only way to manage to keep going was turning to Scripture. I don't remember a lot about that period of time, December before last--there was so much going on. I was in a state of weird shock, along much of the while--almost compartmentalized, just to continue to function. So grateful for it, though. Grateful for it now, too.
Grandad had as well as died the week before Granny did, but the Lord preserved his life. The doctors already had resigned themselves and the family to his death, switching to palliative care after his "seizure," after the emergency dialysis, after his kidneys had completely shut down, after he'd become so dehydrated only answer to prayer afforded a means of getting an IV. Of the lattermost, the emergency room tech was incredulous that a vein just "appeared," after already having given notice that it wasn't possible to run an IV because of the extent of dehydration and because he'd been unsuccessfully trying to run an IV. Dude was in a daze, after that last try, because the vessel sufficient to run IV "wasn't there a moment ago," it "just wasn't there." It "just appeared." He couldn't understand.
The Lord did what He said He would. He restored 30% kidney function. Which the Humana nurse handling Grandad's case was incredulous regarding--she told my stepmom she'd never before seen someone with end stage kidney disease experience restored kidney function, sporadically. Had never seen improvement like that--to go from total kidney failure to 30% function? The Lord said He would do it, though, and it had initially arisen to ask why "only 30%"--but before fully formed, too stricken with awe-filled terror of Whom was being questioned to do anything other than be grateful, head bowed.
A week in the hospital, in and out of consciousness, though. He was delirious for...I don't recall how long. And the hospital was short staffed. The Lord ordained an opportunity to assist him. Which included remaining sufficiently awake 24 hours a day over that interminable while as to prevent him ripping out the varied bits which where medically present.
Sermons all day, every day. All week. Just to function.
The Lord made way for me to attend church that week, so traumatized I fell to pieces in the bathroom at one point, when asked how I was.
Death wish spoken over me by one of the pastors at what was assumed Grandad's deathbed was all part of the madness. Sneering, scowling, and a couple refusing to so much as acknowledge my presence, included.
And the moment Grandad became stable, he turned on the television. And I had to leave. I couldn't endure the barrage of assaults come that way. Utter wreck, immediately. I had to leave. So many weird things are all present in and of television shows. And maybe some folks really are just strong enough in the Lord to not be impacted, but I'm not. And I wasn't, prior to coming to Christ, either.
Granny became all the worse, that next week.
But we finished all but the gospel of John, together. Her only indication of awareness of presence was that she silently cried when spoken to of Jesus's love for her. And they'd stopped attempting to give food or drink during the week prior: She was unconscious, for all external appearances, that last week and some. Or however long.
But she had ultimately refused to drink, when prompted. At least, she did so once the nurses cautioned she'd likely aspirate. I don't remember which all were the infections at the last, consuming her. Maybe pneumonia with e.coli. And MRSA. MRSA was recurrent.
The Lord gave me strength and prompted me to turn to that final gospel, after the funeral. I don't remember reading, but I remember clinging to the words, clinging to the Bible. I don't remember much, that period. But I remember that first turning toward His Word, to His voice, to Him as so captured to be held and cherished.
So there was Job, Sunday and Monday. And the Gospels, these past few days. So grateful for bluetooth.
And so grateful He has been prompting other saints to reach out, intermittently. Even so much as to afford an hour of prayer, just now.
I couldn't make it to Bible study, yesterday. I made it into the house, made it as far as responding to "how I was doing" by confessing why. And almost made it to the room for the study before falling apart. Couldn't. I am concerned about next week, but will trust the Lord.
I can't do anything but cast myself on His mercy, for Sunday. I can't. I just can't. I want to just run away. I want to just disappear. I want to just leave everything and everyone, as not to be confronted with the pain more fully again. But maybe...maybe shock will settle in more fully, again. Or maybe He'll somehow otherwise encourage me.
Or maybe He will lead me to some other place. Somewhere else to go, to be anonymous and unknown, to remain aloof. If I have it my way, that's what I'll do. I'm afraid to be alone again, but I'm afraid of what's going to happen. I'm afraid of being overwhelmed and sobbing. And I'm afraid of not being able to run. And I'm just afraid. Because I'm overwhelmed at the worst moments, and it's such a struggle to remain in control. But I'm not in control. The Lord is. And I keep forgetting that, in the midst of this.
So I'll do what is set in front of me. And I'll trust Him for the strength to do whatever comes next. And I am truly hoping I don't fall apart again in public. I'm not nearly as humiliated after the fact as I used to be--used to utterly be consumed by shame, afterwards. But whatever. If I don't go this week, I'll be very likely to just not go back. Each time not going will make it more difficult to return. But, for that matter, I don't know if I'll even be alive in a couple days' time. Saying something to the effect of thinking it seems likely, given what all has led up to this point of life is utterly false logic. The things which have come before don't necessarily indicate anything regarding what's to come.
I fell prey to holding onto that ideology again, as unto this grief. Nothing is finished or begun lest the Lord have it be so. So it doesn't matter what "seems to be the case," except for it's how things ultimately end. Ultimately, even. Just looking around it the world makes it "seem to be the case" that the wicked prosper and flourish and have no care nor concern of judgment. But we know that's not true. Because God is sovereign and He promises justice. Even as He's made a way through justice--meting punishment due all of us upon Christ, His son--that we who come to Him and repent and receive forgiveness can receive mercy.
But it sure doesn't look like there's a day of judgment ahead, given the way most of us live. And it sure doesn't appear as though most of us who are His believe we need to ask Him for guidance, so long as "we can figure it out" by piecing together bits of Scripture.
There's temptation walked here, same as ever of grief, as toward pity and bitterness. Such a fine line to tread, surrendered. And I don't want to be controlled by either. Nor by the pain. Nor by the temptation to seek solace in external appearance of security, in external comforts, in tangible reassurances. Not by the temptation to do what I think I need to do to be well.
To endure grief and yet not be overwhelmed by these temptations? I haven't the strength nor the ability to manage to endure. But Christ is all my sufficiency. And He keeps pulling me back to Himself, despite me.
There are some things that have come up which warrant consideration, though, in light of truth and grief and God's own nature.
People keep trying to console with words about how someday, there'll be someone--someday things will be better, if I just keep going, just "keep being true," or however. That's placation, but it's not a comfort: "Somewhere, someday, somehow, someone"--these are all empty notions that attempt to distract, moreover implying that if I do something, something else will occur. Even if just: "If you continue living and breathing, someday someone will love you and marry you"--that's still at heart an "if, then" ideology. If I remain alive, I'll get married. If I continue to breathe, the pain will pass.
We don't know what's to come, though. Period.
And we can't barter with God in attempt to effect particular outcomes. "Being good" won't warrant particular blessings. I can't trade in merit badges like some sort of sticker-redemption program where "10 merits entitles you to your choice between a vacation in Hawaii, learning a second language, or becoming a drifter in Europe." Doesn't work that way. Period. And attempts to look at Scripture as a means of earning His favor as unto a particular realm of earthly security and wealth and health is very scary territory. He searches hearts, He knows thoughts, and He is the one who reveals these things to us, though as through Scripture. And we don't drum it up. Like as with Job--He promises nothing of what's to come, regarding particulars. He would still be every bit as good as He was during Job's trial and eternally if He'd not opted to restore Job's material prosperity. That He did so was a kindness, a mercy upon Job. It wasn't merited according to Job's righteousness, same as the trial wasn't merited by his unrighteousness nor his righteousness, ultimately. But according to God's wisdom, and of an eternal kindness to us all.
All He promises is of who He is and of what His will is, ultimately. We can rest assured in and of His love and rest assured in knowing His will is good. But we can't rest assured in any particular thing occurring, as specific outworking. Even being assured we will have what we need, because He cares for us and knows our needs--still, we are given to know that as Jesus lived and as Paul openly attested and as all the apostles' lives attested, His provision for our needs isn't in keeping with the worldly ideal of "being kept."
The Author of our Salvation, our Eternal King, our Intercessor and Shepherd--Jesus, Himself, was effectively homeless, the last years of His life. Without home, effectively without family, and it could be argued without friends, in a sense--all those who were nearest Him were learning from Him, discipling under Him, and they got to the point where even they were afraid to just ask Him questions and ask Him to clarify the things they didn't understand. How's that of friendship? Though He did count them as friends, nonetheless, at the end. Although every one of them immediately thereafter deserted Him in His hour of greatest trial. But have you ever wondered where His friends were, from before? Where was the best friend who had been His companion since adolescence or into young adulthood, whom He was led to name as a disciple? I see no record of such a one. He walked with the Father.
So, attempting to console by speaking of what God will do for those whom He loves, materially and physically and tangibly...actually misrepresents God. He can't be bought or strong-armed. But He is good, and is wise. And He is righteous.
Further, of comforts--neither is it a comfort to be told I'm not the only one who has endured this particular, per this particular. Being told I'm someone in a class of people who have endured particular suffering doesn't give me strength in solidarity, as perhaps is what's being attempted. Rather, it esteems the one so-saying by further separating them as unrelated, unconcerned, uninvolved. A bystander, noting effects.
Others have suffered. Others suffer still, and far worse than me. But I can't speak for anyone else and no one else can speak for me. God knows, He is intimately aware. Of all the details. And He is not uninvolved. He is intimately concerned, wholly present. He knows everyone's grief intimately. And is present. He doesn't seek to separate Himself from His creation. He's made a way for reconciliation, rather. And a way for enduring, in the midst. He is that way. He is that hope. And is to be praised all the while, then, as any solace is from Him and of Him...and knowing He's perfect in wisdom, all the while.
Further, though it's utterly bereft of comfort to have the legitimacy of my grief called into question by flagrant denial of past events. This is the most hurtful, the most damaging of all "consolation." Not only does it undermine and despise current grief, but that tack effectively calls my entire experience into question by both derogating and mocking every bit. The worst part of plausible deniability is that it places the one who calls it into bear in a position of power which both undermines and attacks the one otherwise seeking acknowledgment of the truth, even as just to make evident the legitimacy of suffering.
In sum, I don't know what the Lord will give me, ever. None of us do. But we can know Him. And knowing I'm not the only one to endure suffering doesn't alleviate the solitude and pain of grief, either. But all the more is grief undermined and attacked, when being mocked per being denied the validity of comprehensive remembrances strongly held in recollection--even the tangible bits being denied.
These all hurt more, is the thing, despite that the overarching effect sought claimed is to comfort--each actually attempts to diminish grief by undermining its legitimacy, to further and further degrees. All effectively undermine the validity and the appropriateness and the legitimacy of grief, in the midst of suffering. One by trying to distract by calling it a matter of perspective, another by saying it's a matter of needing further effort unto different effects, and the last by denying the legitimacy of grief outright and calling the person into question as a liar or a fool. And I couldn't articulate that until this evening and until just now, even. But such attempts to comfort are no comfort, but further harm.
And yet we all tend to resort to these sorts of comfort.
It's worth nothing, further, that neither does it comfort to speak on how justifiable it is that we suffer, in terms of having erred against a perfect God. It's true that we are worthy of enduring all manner of suffering, justly. But that reminder provide any solace for grief in suffering, doesn't assist with drawing someone to seek God rather than lament as overwhelmed by pain and torments.
But God, Himself, can make the grief and suffering pall, per His presence. God, alone, can put lamentation to rest. In the midst of suffering, in the midst of grief, He alone can--by His presence and the truth of who He is, set to rest the heart that is utterly devastated and bereft. Being stricken further by remembrance of Him.
So I turn to Him. I need Him. If I don't turn to Him, my heart quickly begins to sour and I quickly begin to fall prey to varied thoughts toward pity, bitterness, the "need to protect myself," the "need to do things," and so much else (some of which may be added later, if and as it is brought to mind). Though I may yet weep in the midst of receiving comforts, no matter the sort or ilk...if arisen out of compassion, come from love, itself...that does so much to sooth. So much to afford solace unto healing.
Which is in seemingly short supply, these days, but for grace.
But His voice alone can set grief sufficiently at rest, in the midst of suffering, as to allow for proper functioning in the midst of what otherwise paralyzes. Testifying of His goodness, worshipping Him does as much, too--proclaiming His goodness, His faithfulness, proclaiming the truth of who He is. Remembering Him helps.
But nothing helps quite so much as to hear Him. So when I struggle to do so, to read His Word...I am grateful He turns me back to Himself again and again. Through others who know Him and speak of Him boldly, lovingly testifying of His faithfulness to them and of His love and giving opportunity to likewise respond, prompted by remembrance of all the things He's done and all the kindness He's lavished on me. And through His Word. Either way, hearing Him.
...and any prayers would be appreciated. There is still a thing I need to write which requires clarion remembrance of the past year and some, which means looking full on the pain and what's denied, without wavering. I trust the Lord will give me strength to do so. I know He will. I have been praying that He will do so, for the past few days, increasingly convinced of the need to not forsake memory for the sake of attempting to run from grief. Especially not to allow it become clouded or distorted, despite being publicly denied so recently.
I will not succumb on that front, because Christ is my keeper and He will do as is necessary. I was willing and am willing to do whatsoever He wills, and if to help some whom He has allowed me to love, then I'm all the more grateful. Even if He chooses not to use my testimony, then still.
I trust Him to help with this. Prayers, yes.
I had been asking Him to help me understand the arguments between Job and his friends. He'd let me see, last summer, that there were such intricate bits of logic wound up in the all as make for mind-boggling fine points to ponder. And still, so much more. I was just so amazed. All the more so, now. Couldn't even begin to wrap my mind around how delicately the arguments truly wind themselves. And all the more, and further than even this brief insight allotted.
Someone once told me that I was never going to be able to figure all the world out by just postulating, that I had to go out and get experience in order to truly understand. I didn't like that answer. I didn't like it at all. I was perfectly fine with sitting on the far side of a computer, bouncing ideas and philosophies off minds of interminable age (for reasons of varied and unmentionable account, thus). Being prompted to go out into the world, though. That was shortly before moving to New Orleans. And before more of the "training" that was required prior to be permitted to move. I had to know how to defend myself before being allowed to move there.
Now, though, the Lord is my defense. He bids me follow Him and allow Him purview. And if He has chosen to allow me to be overcome and overwhelmed, then it's to a good cause. I trust Him. And I will trust the Lord. No matter what comes or goes.
He will keep me. No one else can. But He is faithful.
Time doesn't heal. It alters. It allows for a sort of veil to fall over the depths of grief, overwhelmed by further and other events. But Christ, alone, heals. He's let me see the truth of this very clearly, as He's been walking me into and through the beginnings of healing wounds from my childhood and adolescence and now, into adulthood, these past many months. With fresh, still, to bear.
He's been helping me through remembrance, in so many ways, bringing so many pains into subjection to truth. And just reminding of His faithfulness in some of the more recent.
When Granny died, the only way to manage to keep going was turning to Scripture. I don't remember a lot about that period of time, December before last--there was so much going on. I was in a state of weird shock, along much of the while--almost compartmentalized, just to continue to function. So grateful for it, though. Grateful for it now, too.
Grandad had as well as died the week before Granny did, but the Lord preserved his life. The doctors already had resigned themselves and the family to his death, switching to palliative care after his "seizure," after the emergency dialysis, after his kidneys had completely shut down, after he'd become so dehydrated only answer to prayer afforded a means of getting an IV. Of the lattermost, the emergency room tech was incredulous that a vein just "appeared," after already having given notice that it wasn't possible to run an IV because of the extent of dehydration and because he'd been unsuccessfully trying to run an IV. Dude was in a daze, after that last try, because the vessel sufficient to run IV "wasn't there a moment ago," it "just wasn't there." It "just appeared." He couldn't understand.
The Lord did what He said He would. He restored 30% kidney function. Which the Humana nurse handling Grandad's case was incredulous regarding--she told my stepmom she'd never before seen someone with end stage kidney disease experience restored kidney function, sporadically. Had never seen improvement like that--to go from total kidney failure to 30% function? The Lord said He would do it, though, and it had initially arisen to ask why "only 30%"--but before fully formed, too stricken with awe-filled terror of Whom was being questioned to do anything other than be grateful, head bowed.
A week in the hospital, in and out of consciousness, though. He was delirious for...I don't recall how long. And the hospital was short staffed. The Lord ordained an opportunity to assist him. Which included remaining sufficiently awake 24 hours a day over that interminable while as to prevent him ripping out the varied bits which where medically present.
Sermons all day, every day. All week. Just to function.
The Lord made way for me to attend church that week, so traumatized I fell to pieces in the bathroom at one point, when asked how I was.
Death wish spoken over me by one of the pastors at what was assumed Grandad's deathbed was all part of the madness. Sneering, scowling, and a couple refusing to so much as acknowledge my presence, included.
And the moment Grandad became stable, he turned on the television. And I had to leave. I couldn't endure the barrage of assaults come that way. Utter wreck, immediately. I had to leave. So many weird things are all present in and of television shows. And maybe some folks really are just strong enough in the Lord to not be impacted, but I'm not. And I wasn't, prior to coming to Christ, either.
Granny became all the worse, that next week.
But we finished all but the gospel of John, together. Her only indication of awareness of presence was that she silently cried when spoken to of Jesus's love for her. And they'd stopped attempting to give food or drink during the week prior: She was unconscious, for all external appearances, that last week and some. Or however long.
But she had ultimately refused to drink, when prompted. At least, she did so once the nurses cautioned she'd likely aspirate. I don't remember which all were the infections at the last, consuming her. Maybe pneumonia with e.coli. And MRSA. MRSA was recurrent.
The Lord gave me strength and prompted me to turn to that final gospel, after the funeral. I don't remember reading, but I remember clinging to the words, clinging to the Bible. I don't remember much, that period. But I remember that first turning toward His Word, to His voice, to Him as so captured to be held and cherished.
So there was Job, Sunday and Monday. And the Gospels, these past few days. So grateful for bluetooth.
And so grateful He has been prompting other saints to reach out, intermittently. Even so much as to afford an hour of prayer, just now.
I couldn't make it to Bible study, yesterday. I made it into the house, made it as far as responding to "how I was doing" by confessing why. And almost made it to the room for the study before falling apart. Couldn't. I am concerned about next week, but will trust the Lord.
I can't do anything but cast myself on His mercy, for Sunday. I can't. I just can't. I want to just run away. I want to just disappear. I want to just leave everything and everyone, as not to be confronted with the pain more fully again. But maybe...maybe shock will settle in more fully, again. Or maybe He'll somehow otherwise encourage me.
Or maybe He will lead me to some other place. Somewhere else to go, to be anonymous and unknown, to remain aloof. If I have it my way, that's what I'll do. I'm afraid to be alone again, but I'm afraid of what's going to happen. I'm afraid of being overwhelmed and sobbing. And I'm afraid of not being able to run. And I'm just afraid. Because I'm overwhelmed at the worst moments, and it's such a struggle to remain in control. But I'm not in control. The Lord is. And I keep forgetting that, in the midst of this.
So I'll do what is set in front of me. And I'll trust Him for the strength to do whatever comes next. And I am truly hoping I don't fall apart again in public. I'm not nearly as humiliated after the fact as I used to be--used to utterly be consumed by shame, afterwards. But whatever. If I don't go this week, I'll be very likely to just not go back. Each time not going will make it more difficult to return. But, for that matter, I don't know if I'll even be alive in a couple days' time. Saying something to the effect of thinking it seems likely, given what all has led up to this point of life is utterly false logic. The things which have come before don't necessarily indicate anything regarding what's to come.
I fell prey to holding onto that ideology again, as unto this grief. Nothing is finished or begun lest the Lord have it be so. So it doesn't matter what "seems to be the case," except for it's how things ultimately end. Ultimately, even. Just looking around it the world makes it "seem to be the case" that the wicked prosper and flourish and have no care nor concern of judgment. But we know that's not true. Because God is sovereign and He promises justice. Even as He's made a way through justice--meting punishment due all of us upon Christ, His son--that we who come to Him and repent and receive forgiveness can receive mercy.
But it sure doesn't look like there's a day of judgment ahead, given the way most of us live. And it sure doesn't appear as though most of us who are His believe we need to ask Him for guidance, so long as "we can figure it out" by piecing together bits of Scripture.
There's temptation walked here, same as ever of grief, as toward pity and bitterness. Such a fine line to tread, surrendered. And I don't want to be controlled by either. Nor by the pain. Nor by the temptation to seek solace in external appearance of security, in external comforts, in tangible reassurances. Not by the temptation to do what I think I need to do to be well.
To endure grief and yet not be overwhelmed by these temptations? I haven't the strength nor the ability to manage to endure. But Christ is all my sufficiency. And He keeps pulling me back to Himself, despite me.
There are some things that have come up which warrant consideration, though, in light of truth and grief and God's own nature.
People keep trying to console with words about how someday, there'll be someone--someday things will be better, if I just keep going, just "keep being true," or however. That's placation, but it's not a comfort: "Somewhere, someday, somehow, someone"--these are all empty notions that attempt to distract, moreover implying that if I do something, something else will occur. Even if just: "If you continue living and breathing, someday someone will love you and marry you"--that's still at heart an "if, then" ideology. If I remain alive, I'll get married. If I continue to breathe, the pain will pass.
We don't know what's to come, though. Period.
And we can't barter with God in attempt to effect particular outcomes. "Being good" won't warrant particular blessings. I can't trade in merit badges like some sort of sticker-redemption program where "10 merits entitles you to your choice between a vacation in Hawaii, learning a second language, or becoming a drifter in Europe." Doesn't work that way. Period. And attempts to look at Scripture as a means of earning His favor as unto a particular realm of earthly security and wealth and health is very scary territory. He searches hearts, He knows thoughts, and He is the one who reveals these things to us, though as through Scripture. And we don't drum it up. Like as with Job--He promises nothing of what's to come, regarding particulars. He would still be every bit as good as He was during Job's trial and eternally if He'd not opted to restore Job's material prosperity. That He did so was a kindness, a mercy upon Job. It wasn't merited according to Job's righteousness, same as the trial wasn't merited by his unrighteousness nor his righteousness, ultimately. But according to God's wisdom, and of an eternal kindness to us all.
All He promises is of who He is and of what His will is, ultimately. We can rest assured in and of His love and rest assured in knowing His will is good. But we can't rest assured in any particular thing occurring, as specific outworking. Even being assured we will have what we need, because He cares for us and knows our needs--still, we are given to know that as Jesus lived and as Paul openly attested and as all the apostles' lives attested, His provision for our needs isn't in keeping with the worldly ideal of "being kept."
The Author of our Salvation, our Eternal King, our Intercessor and Shepherd--Jesus, Himself, was effectively homeless, the last years of His life. Without home, effectively without family, and it could be argued without friends, in a sense--all those who were nearest Him were learning from Him, discipling under Him, and they got to the point where even they were afraid to just ask Him questions and ask Him to clarify the things they didn't understand. How's that of friendship? Though He did count them as friends, nonetheless, at the end. Although every one of them immediately thereafter deserted Him in His hour of greatest trial. But have you ever wondered where His friends were, from before? Where was the best friend who had been His companion since adolescence or into young adulthood, whom He was led to name as a disciple? I see no record of such a one. He walked with the Father.
So, attempting to console by speaking of what God will do for those whom He loves, materially and physically and tangibly...actually misrepresents God. He can't be bought or strong-armed. But He is good, and is wise. And He is righteous.
Further, of comforts--neither is it a comfort to be told I'm not the only one who has endured this particular, per this particular. Being told I'm someone in a class of people who have endured particular suffering doesn't give me strength in solidarity, as perhaps is what's being attempted. Rather, it esteems the one so-saying by further separating them as unrelated, unconcerned, uninvolved. A bystander, noting effects.
Others have suffered. Others suffer still, and far worse than me. But I can't speak for anyone else and no one else can speak for me. God knows, He is intimately aware. Of all the details. And He is not uninvolved. He is intimately concerned, wholly present. He knows everyone's grief intimately. And is present. He doesn't seek to separate Himself from His creation. He's made a way for reconciliation, rather. And a way for enduring, in the midst. He is that way. He is that hope. And is to be praised all the while, then, as any solace is from Him and of Him...and knowing He's perfect in wisdom, all the while.
Further, though it's utterly bereft of comfort to have the legitimacy of my grief called into question by flagrant denial of past events. This is the most hurtful, the most damaging of all "consolation." Not only does it undermine and despise current grief, but that tack effectively calls my entire experience into question by both derogating and mocking every bit. The worst part of plausible deniability is that it places the one who calls it into bear in a position of power which both undermines and attacks the one otherwise seeking acknowledgment of the truth, even as just to make evident the legitimacy of suffering.
In sum, I don't know what the Lord will give me, ever. None of us do. But we can know Him. And knowing I'm not the only one to endure suffering doesn't alleviate the solitude and pain of grief, either. But all the more is grief undermined and attacked, when being mocked per being denied the validity of comprehensive remembrances strongly held in recollection--even the tangible bits being denied.
These all hurt more, is the thing, despite that the overarching effect sought claimed is to comfort--each actually attempts to diminish grief by undermining its legitimacy, to further and further degrees. All effectively undermine the validity and the appropriateness and the legitimacy of grief, in the midst of suffering. One by trying to distract by calling it a matter of perspective, another by saying it's a matter of needing further effort unto different effects, and the last by denying the legitimacy of grief outright and calling the person into question as a liar or a fool. And I couldn't articulate that until this evening and until just now, even. But such attempts to comfort are no comfort, but further harm.
And yet we all tend to resort to these sorts of comfort.
It's worth nothing, further, that neither does it comfort to speak on how justifiable it is that we suffer, in terms of having erred against a perfect God. It's true that we are worthy of enduring all manner of suffering, justly. But that reminder provide any solace for grief in suffering, doesn't assist with drawing someone to seek God rather than lament as overwhelmed by pain and torments.
But God, Himself, can make the grief and suffering pall, per His presence. God, alone, can put lamentation to rest. In the midst of suffering, in the midst of grief, He alone can--by His presence and the truth of who He is, set to rest the heart that is utterly devastated and bereft. Being stricken further by remembrance of Him.
So I turn to Him. I need Him. If I don't turn to Him, my heart quickly begins to sour and I quickly begin to fall prey to varied thoughts toward pity, bitterness, the "need to protect myself," the "need to do things," and so much else (some of which may be added later, if and as it is brought to mind). Though I may yet weep in the midst of receiving comforts, no matter the sort or ilk...if arisen out of compassion, come from love, itself...that does so much to sooth. So much to afford solace unto healing.
Which is in seemingly short supply, these days, but for grace.
But His voice alone can set grief sufficiently at rest, in the midst of suffering, as to allow for proper functioning in the midst of what otherwise paralyzes. Testifying of His goodness, worshipping Him does as much, too--proclaiming His goodness, His faithfulness, proclaiming the truth of who He is. Remembering Him helps.
But nothing helps quite so much as to hear Him. So when I struggle to do so, to read His Word...I am grateful He turns me back to Himself again and again. Through others who know Him and speak of Him boldly, lovingly testifying of His faithfulness to them and of His love and giving opportunity to likewise respond, prompted by remembrance of all the things He's done and all the kindness He's lavished on me. And through His Word. Either way, hearing Him.
...and any prayers would be appreciated. There is still a thing I need to write which requires clarion remembrance of the past year and some, which means looking full on the pain and what's denied, without wavering. I trust the Lord will give me strength to do so. I know He will. I have been praying that He will do so, for the past few days, increasingly convinced of the need to not forsake memory for the sake of attempting to run from grief. Especially not to allow it become clouded or distorted, despite being publicly denied so recently.
I will not succumb on that front, because Christ is my keeper and He will do as is necessary. I was willing and am willing to do whatsoever He wills, and if to help some whom He has allowed me to love, then I'm all the more grateful. Even if He chooses not to use my testimony, then still.
I trust Him to help with this. Prayers, yes.
I had been asking Him to help me understand the arguments between Job and his friends. He'd let me see, last summer, that there were such intricate bits of logic wound up in the all as make for mind-boggling fine points to ponder. And still, so much more. I was just so amazed. All the more so, now. Couldn't even begin to wrap my mind around how delicately the arguments truly wind themselves. And all the more, and further than even this brief insight allotted.
Someone once told me that I was never going to be able to figure all the world out by just postulating, that I had to go out and get experience in order to truly understand. I didn't like that answer. I didn't like it at all. I was perfectly fine with sitting on the far side of a computer, bouncing ideas and philosophies off minds of interminable age (for reasons of varied and unmentionable account, thus). Being prompted to go out into the world, though. That was shortly before moving to New Orleans. And before more of the "training" that was required prior to be permitted to move. I had to know how to defend myself before being allowed to move there.
Now, though, the Lord is my defense. He bids me follow Him and allow Him purview. And if He has chosen to allow me to be overcome and overwhelmed, then it's to a good cause. I trust Him. And I will trust the Lord. No matter what comes or goes.
He will keep me. No one else can. But He is faithful.
Monday, June 19, 2017
Submitting to Love Others
So maybe the longing to go to Israel will return, now, and I'll begin attempting to study Hebrew again. I didn't expect it to ebb last summer, so maybe it will return, now. Josh and Grace are the only two I'd told about it: longing to be with His people and plead with them. Knowing I'd be all the more rejected, for being an outsider. But longing to do so, nonetheless. Josh told me I'd die if I went. I told him I knew. It's very likely at least. But what is death, except the final call home?
I put off getting my passport all year last year, because I feared I wouldn't be able to resist the urge to book a trip to the Middle East if that one detail was secured. Despite wanting to visit Grace. And I told her exactly why, too. Because of the longing to go to Israel and plead with them, and because it was such a consuming yearning, wholehearted. But if it's to be done, it will be done in a way that doesn't dishonor God per abandoning or neglecting responsibilities He's allotted.
My interaction with the Hebrew university in Jerusalem, year before last, didn't temper the urge to go although it did serve a healthy dose of reality in terms of the spiritual climate there. They do fear Him, but it's so suppressed that there's overt denial. Testing Him. Almost taunting Him, trying to get Him to evidence Himself. And just blatant mockery, too, as with us all. Loathing, as with us all. Rejecting and despising Him, despite lip-service.
The Lord had also to deal with my proclivity to worship His people, last year. For a brief moment I was sure Grace had given indication she was from a Jewish family, and I became very overwhelmed with worshipful regard for her--even feeling as though I was no longer worthy to speak with her, becoming cowed and obsequious. (Same has been the case with his saints as a general rule, time to time.) I didn't ever discuss these matters overtly, but things were decidedly uncomfortable during interaction for a while, as result. The Lord brought all that to light within me unto repentance though, so He did deal with it.
Just as many months prior, through interaction at an interim church I was confronted with the contempt many who are Christ's hold against those who are Jewish, or Israeli, moreover. And simultaneously confronted by a sense of entitlement retained by many who are of God's chosen nation, per that esteemed position. He did entrust His oracles to them. And He did enter the world as one of their own. These are privileges. And He has promised to redeem them, as Paul wrote.
But entitlement and resentment were all confronted at once. And I was tempted to resent knowing I would be viewed as lesser, treated as a lesser. But who am I, after all, to even think I deserve some sort of accolades or esteem or even "fair treatment?:" Christ, Himself, didn't aspire to nor insist upon these things--although He is God and was worthy of them all the more than anyone--so if He is my Master and Mentor, how dare I esteem myself above Him by considering I'm due "fair treatment" and respect and esteem which He didn't even grasp at, though being due them?...why especially would I grasp at these things, though, when He made it clearly known that I'm to expect debasement and mockery and ill-treatment like as He received, per course of being His own. If He was mocked and mistreated, even counted as one of satan's, then how much more will we be, as we cleave to Him?
And of that lattermost, I've often wondered that people expect always for matters of persecution to be utterly forthright, when it's a spiritual battle. It's as though unless people are screaming "Christian!" at us, with malice, then matters being endured surely aren't part and parcel of enduring suffering for His sake, for the sake of pursuing His kingdom and righteousness. More often, there's been the experience of being slighted by others as a result of their unconscious determination of character, unto resentment and despising and loathing at what's discerned thereabouts: As the aroma of Christ is one of death to those who are not His, that fragrance arouses discomfort, unease, disgust, resentment, loathing, malice unto rejection and maltreatments in proportion to the extent of one's heart being turned away from God, Himself. Unconscious spiting of Him is aroused, over course of being confronted by Him through another. And to be silently endured, then--not seeking to justify self nor avoid the rejection or pain or despising or malice, but loving and praying for them all the while, while thanking God to be so privileged as to suffer silently on His behalf per simply pursuing Him and loving Him amidst others who are to-varied-extents-openly enraged against Him.
I've experienced that particular course with people who are themselves downtrodden and abused, particularly often: Where there's not a simultaneous surrender to Christ, that is. Because being rejected and maligned and despised and abused in this world yields to further indignation against God, unless He's being sought and clung to all the while. Yielding to the enemy's lies about God as to begin to be hard-hearted and angry against Him while enduring suffering...also yields to this effect. And when opportunity arises to mete out anger against Him, despising another, "lesser" person--especially one of God's own--such persecution as undue resentment, disgust, loathing, unto varied bits of maltreatment does occur.
But we don't often perceive these such "slights" as being part of the warfare we endure as those who walk with God.
But that just reveals a further light on matters: Whatever the enemy can do to attempt to unseat us from rest and dependence in and upon Jesus is undertaken. The more subtle and ceaseless the onslaught, the more effective, as incrementally and cumulatively undertaken by the enemy in Western society, though. Simultaneous pressure to seek one's own "rights" while simultaneously being subjected to constant pressure of others to assert their dominance and will, to the exclusion of our own "right to fair treatment" creates a vortex of self-seeking and other-diminishing that utterly distracts from Christ. Like as in the environs of fast food restaurants, while in line at grocery stores, of waiting for interminable lengths in doctor's offices. And even as navigating the odd machinations of others in traffic. In these situations, there's temptation constant--rather than counting it a privilege to submit as unto God while being consistently slighted and snubbed and derided, as others assert their dominance as superiority--rather than esteeming them more highly than self and submitting gladly to being counted worthy to continually be able to do so, to be able to serve others as unto God by submitting to them--there's constant temptation to similarly assert one's own "privilege" and "rights" as being justifiably due us, rather than gladly submitting to Christ those others He's placed before us to serve and submit to, in love and as to share His love in so many small ways, ongoing. Instead of thanking God for the privilege of being consistently undermined, thus being allowed to afford others the preference of privilege and given ability to make accommodations continually rather than seeking one's own accommodations...there's constant temptation to assert one's own "right" to be accommodated, to be first, to be preferred, to get to go in "right order."
But God Himself accommodates those who are His. And we don't deserve His mercies nor His goodness and kindness to us. How much less do we deserve any good, then? But yet He's so gracious to us, so kind and faithful, so loving. How can we do anything other than gladly submit to one another and prefer one another over ourselves? Extending mercy and grace and love and forgiveness even as we have received and constantly receive these things?
He makes way for us. Even allotting us the privilege of being mistreated by others (just as we mistreat Him, moreover, by asserting our presumed right to assert ourselves--despising Him, moreover)...which is opportunity to be merciful and gracious and loving, again and again. Even as He has been, unto us. Even in the most seemingly minute of ways, yet done with love and not with resentment or out of sense of obligation: Making way, provision, accommodation.
He does so. Continually, for us. What privilege to be able to extend that same mercy, even in such small ways as being alert to ways to accommodate others who are even a tiny bit the same toward us as we are toward God (except that He mercifully draws and delivers us from self-exaltation, continually, we would all still utterly despise and malign and reject Him). To yield, out of love of Him and love of others. Seeing and embracing that others are more esteemed than self, accepting that God will provide our own needs and thus we need not seek after them ourselves but instead should seek the welfare of others whom He provides encounters with.
He does accommodate us, is the point. I struggled for a long while, still residing at my dad's house, with the idea and reality of having to surrender seeking my own in preference to submission to others and submission to God's sovereign prerogative and ordained will for my life.
All my life, I'd been accustomed to the belief that unless I stand up for myself and make sure my needs are met and make sure I'm taken care of and make sure I'm not being abused...then I would be utterly demolished and wouldn't have my needs met and would just be completely destroyed. I had become accustomed to believing I had to stand up for myself, or no one else would.
But the thing is, while that has appearance of superficial truth...it's not substantially true. Because God does take up for us, as we seek Him and trust Him. Even as giving the desire and boldness to have conversations which bring to light matters that must be addressed so to destroy a stronghold of the enemy in our minds. Even in making way for us to spiritually prosper in the midst of a society which essentially and truly despises us due to our affinity with God. Though we are counted as sheep for the slaughter, we are victorious through Christ, in Christ.
I don't have to stand up for myself, though. I don't have to defend myself. I don't have to attempt to justify myself. And that was impossible to accept, from the outset. It goes against all worldly reasoning. Especially was it impossible to accept, in the midst of enduring the hatred and malice and loathing of my dad and stepmom, turned wholeheartedly against me because of the confrontation of sin and my refusal and inability to continue to partake in it, alongside them. They had assumed I was like them, up to those points in time. And I had assumed the same of them, too, until the day came where the Lord convicted me sorely for my behavior and made it so that I couldn't do anything except plead truth with them while asserting that I could not continue to engage in the same. While defending the person being mocked, which enraged.
And for those six months of terror, I vacillated regularly over belief that I needed to stand up for myself and assert my right to "fair and humane treatment" rather than continuing to endure loathing and intimidations per course just being convicted to speak forthrightly and refrain from what actions the Lord had convicted me regarding, specific. I argued with Him that if I didn't assert myself, if I didn't seek my rights, if I didn't take that stand...I'd be utterly destroyed, bowled over, wouldn't be able to survive. And however many other rationalizations there were, attempting to get me to capitulate and seek my own "rights" and "privilege"...I tried to reason with the Lord that I needed to be able to assert myself as equally viable, due respect.
But He reminded me of the cross. And reminded me of its cause. And never wavered in reminding me that He is my only defense, my only justification. Apart from Him, I have neither. So to seek those things and to seek to assert myself apart from Him is to assert myself against Him per seeking my own will, my own way, my own provision. Instead of graciously submitting to whatever comes by His hand--trusting and knowing and resting in the fact that He knows my needs ever better than I do and that He is utterly capable and will indeed fulfill them as is fitting. And He could have had a legion of angels to deliver Him from crucifixion, and yet didn't beckon. So, who am I to decry suffering and loss in my life?
Yet He goes so far beyond merely giving what's merely necessary, fairly always.
Like the place I live now. I've never lived anywhere so nice. So roomy, so airy, so full of light, and yet affordable. Except that there are other elements which have increasingly become apparent, unto the need to move--the Lord is no longer shielding me as He had been. He's directing unto relocation. Otherwise, I would camp here for longer. But where the shelter of His light is being removed, then so follow I. Despite that I don't like change. Despite that I still fear every change. I trust Him, though.
I never wanted to move in the first place. Ever, in my life. Yet that's been utterly destroyed so many times over, at this point I'm finally pliable--even to the point of going to opposite extreme, asking Him to allow me to become entirely transient, fully homeless. But it's not as I will. I'm not my own.
None of us are, truly. Some are just still in flat-out denial.
I put off getting my passport all year last year, because I feared I wouldn't be able to resist the urge to book a trip to the Middle East if that one detail was secured. Despite wanting to visit Grace. And I told her exactly why, too. Because of the longing to go to Israel and plead with them, and because it was such a consuming yearning, wholehearted. But if it's to be done, it will be done in a way that doesn't dishonor God per abandoning or neglecting responsibilities He's allotted.
My interaction with the Hebrew university in Jerusalem, year before last, didn't temper the urge to go although it did serve a healthy dose of reality in terms of the spiritual climate there. They do fear Him, but it's so suppressed that there's overt denial. Testing Him. Almost taunting Him, trying to get Him to evidence Himself. And just blatant mockery, too, as with us all. Loathing, as with us all. Rejecting and despising Him, despite lip-service.
The Lord had also to deal with my proclivity to worship His people, last year. For a brief moment I was sure Grace had given indication she was from a Jewish family, and I became very overwhelmed with worshipful regard for her--even feeling as though I was no longer worthy to speak with her, becoming cowed and obsequious. (Same has been the case with his saints as a general rule, time to time.) I didn't ever discuss these matters overtly, but things were decidedly uncomfortable during interaction for a while, as result. The Lord brought all that to light within me unto repentance though, so He did deal with it.
Just as many months prior, through interaction at an interim church I was confronted with the contempt many who are Christ's hold against those who are Jewish, or Israeli, moreover. And simultaneously confronted by a sense of entitlement retained by many who are of God's chosen nation, per that esteemed position. He did entrust His oracles to them. And He did enter the world as one of their own. These are privileges. And He has promised to redeem them, as Paul wrote.
But entitlement and resentment were all confronted at once. And I was tempted to resent knowing I would be viewed as lesser, treated as a lesser. But who am I, after all, to even think I deserve some sort of accolades or esteem or even "fair treatment?:" Christ, Himself, didn't aspire to nor insist upon these things--although He is God and was worthy of them all the more than anyone--so if He is my Master and Mentor, how dare I esteem myself above Him by considering I'm due "fair treatment" and respect and esteem which He didn't even grasp at, though being due them?...why especially would I grasp at these things, though, when He made it clearly known that I'm to expect debasement and mockery and ill-treatment like as He received, per course of being His own. If He was mocked and mistreated, even counted as one of satan's, then how much more will we be, as we cleave to Him?
And of that lattermost, I've often wondered that people expect always for matters of persecution to be utterly forthright, when it's a spiritual battle. It's as though unless people are screaming "Christian!" at us, with malice, then matters being endured surely aren't part and parcel of enduring suffering for His sake, for the sake of pursuing His kingdom and righteousness. More often, there's been the experience of being slighted by others as a result of their unconscious determination of character, unto resentment and despising and loathing at what's discerned thereabouts: As the aroma of Christ is one of death to those who are not His, that fragrance arouses discomfort, unease, disgust, resentment, loathing, malice unto rejection and maltreatments in proportion to the extent of one's heart being turned away from God, Himself. Unconscious spiting of Him is aroused, over course of being confronted by Him through another. And to be silently endured, then--not seeking to justify self nor avoid the rejection or pain or despising or malice, but loving and praying for them all the while, while thanking God to be so privileged as to suffer silently on His behalf per simply pursuing Him and loving Him amidst others who are to-varied-extents-openly enraged against Him.
I've experienced that particular course with people who are themselves downtrodden and abused, particularly often: Where there's not a simultaneous surrender to Christ, that is. Because being rejected and maligned and despised and abused in this world yields to further indignation against God, unless He's being sought and clung to all the while. Yielding to the enemy's lies about God as to begin to be hard-hearted and angry against Him while enduring suffering...also yields to this effect. And when opportunity arises to mete out anger against Him, despising another, "lesser" person--especially one of God's own--such persecution as undue resentment, disgust, loathing, unto varied bits of maltreatment does occur.
But we don't often perceive these such "slights" as being part of the warfare we endure as those who walk with God.
But that just reveals a further light on matters: Whatever the enemy can do to attempt to unseat us from rest and dependence in and upon Jesus is undertaken. The more subtle and ceaseless the onslaught, the more effective, as incrementally and cumulatively undertaken by the enemy in Western society, though. Simultaneous pressure to seek one's own "rights" while simultaneously being subjected to constant pressure of others to assert their dominance and will, to the exclusion of our own "right to fair treatment" creates a vortex of self-seeking and other-diminishing that utterly distracts from Christ. Like as in the environs of fast food restaurants, while in line at grocery stores, of waiting for interminable lengths in doctor's offices. And even as navigating the odd machinations of others in traffic. In these situations, there's temptation constant--rather than counting it a privilege to submit as unto God while being consistently slighted and snubbed and derided, as others assert their dominance as superiority--rather than esteeming them more highly than self and submitting gladly to being counted worthy to continually be able to do so, to be able to serve others as unto God by submitting to them--there's constant temptation to similarly assert one's own "privilege" and "rights" as being justifiably due us, rather than gladly submitting to Christ those others He's placed before us to serve and submit to, in love and as to share His love in so many small ways, ongoing. Instead of thanking God for the privilege of being consistently undermined, thus being allowed to afford others the preference of privilege and given ability to make accommodations continually rather than seeking one's own accommodations...there's constant temptation to assert one's own "right" to be accommodated, to be first, to be preferred, to get to go in "right order."
But God Himself accommodates those who are His. And we don't deserve His mercies nor His goodness and kindness to us. How much less do we deserve any good, then? But yet He's so gracious to us, so kind and faithful, so loving. How can we do anything other than gladly submit to one another and prefer one another over ourselves? Extending mercy and grace and love and forgiveness even as we have received and constantly receive these things?
He makes way for us. Even allotting us the privilege of being mistreated by others (just as we mistreat Him, moreover, by asserting our presumed right to assert ourselves--despising Him, moreover)...which is opportunity to be merciful and gracious and loving, again and again. Even as He has been, unto us. Even in the most seemingly minute of ways, yet done with love and not with resentment or out of sense of obligation: Making way, provision, accommodation.
He does so. Continually, for us. What privilege to be able to extend that same mercy, even in such small ways as being alert to ways to accommodate others who are even a tiny bit the same toward us as we are toward God (except that He mercifully draws and delivers us from self-exaltation, continually, we would all still utterly despise and malign and reject Him). To yield, out of love of Him and love of others. Seeing and embracing that others are more esteemed than self, accepting that God will provide our own needs and thus we need not seek after them ourselves but instead should seek the welfare of others whom He provides encounters with.
He does accommodate us, is the point. I struggled for a long while, still residing at my dad's house, with the idea and reality of having to surrender seeking my own in preference to submission to others and submission to God's sovereign prerogative and ordained will for my life.
All my life, I'd been accustomed to the belief that unless I stand up for myself and make sure my needs are met and make sure I'm taken care of and make sure I'm not being abused...then I would be utterly demolished and wouldn't have my needs met and would just be completely destroyed. I had become accustomed to believing I had to stand up for myself, or no one else would.
But the thing is, while that has appearance of superficial truth...it's not substantially true. Because God does take up for us, as we seek Him and trust Him. Even as giving the desire and boldness to have conversations which bring to light matters that must be addressed so to destroy a stronghold of the enemy in our minds. Even in making way for us to spiritually prosper in the midst of a society which essentially and truly despises us due to our affinity with God. Though we are counted as sheep for the slaughter, we are victorious through Christ, in Christ.
I don't have to stand up for myself, though. I don't have to defend myself. I don't have to attempt to justify myself. And that was impossible to accept, from the outset. It goes against all worldly reasoning. Especially was it impossible to accept, in the midst of enduring the hatred and malice and loathing of my dad and stepmom, turned wholeheartedly against me because of the confrontation of sin and my refusal and inability to continue to partake in it, alongside them. They had assumed I was like them, up to those points in time. And I had assumed the same of them, too, until the day came where the Lord convicted me sorely for my behavior and made it so that I couldn't do anything except plead truth with them while asserting that I could not continue to engage in the same. While defending the person being mocked, which enraged.
And for those six months of terror, I vacillated regularly over belief that I needed to stand up for myself and assert my right to "fair and humane treatment" rather than continuing to endure loathing and intimidations per course just being convicted to speak forthrightly and refrain from what actions the Lord had convicted me regarding, specific. I argued with Him that if I didn't assert myself, if I didn't seek my rights, if I didn't take that stand...I'd be utterly destroyed, bowled over, wouldn't be able to survive. And however many other rationalizations there were, attempting to get me to capitulate and seek my own "rights" and "privilege"...I tried to reason with the Lord that I needed to be able to assert myself as equally viable, due respect.
But He reminded me of the cross. And reminded me of its cause. And never wavered in reminding me that He is my only defense, my only justification. Apart from Him, I have neither. So to seek those things and to seek to assert myself apart from Him is to assert myself against Him per seeking my own will, my own way, my own provision. Instead of graciously submitting to whatever comes by His hand--trusting and knowing and resting in the fact that He knows my needs ever better than I do and that He is utterly capable and will indeed fulfill them as is fitting. And He could have had a legion of angels to deliver Him from crucifixion, and yet didn't beckon. So, who am I to decry suffering and loss in my life?
Yet He goes so far beyond merely giving what's merely necessary, fairly always.
Like the place I live now. I've never lived anywhere so nice. So roomy, so airy, so full of light, and yet affordable. Except that there are other elements which have increasingly become apparent, unto the need to move--the Lord is no longer shielding me as He had been. He's directing unto relocation. Otherwise, I would camp here for longer. But where the shelter of His light is being removed, then so follow I. Despite that I don't like change. Despite that I still fear every change. I trust Him, though.
I never wanted to move in the first place. Ever, in my life. Yet that's been utterly destroyed so many times over, at this point I'm finally pliable--even to the point of going to opposite extreme, asking Him to allow me to become entirely transient, fully homeless. But it's not as I will. I'm not my own.
None of us are, truly. Some are just still in flat-out denial.
Sunday, June 18, 2017
Craving Light
Particular restraint from social media remains effective. And may continue indefinitely. Not up to me. But He's letting me return to the blogs. For the moment.
Got to pray with my friend Grace, today. We discuss circumstances, talk about what the Lord is doing in each of our lives, talk about where we've seen Him working around us and in the lives of others, discuss the state of matters and whatever new international and national needs are noted, if He's brought anything to either of our attention, and then we thank Him for all the many things and also ask for His help in the lives of others, the lives of one another, and the circumstances He's brought to our attentions.
I am so grateful for my sister, Grace. Our Father has given us one another to encourage toward Him and His ways. To rejoice together and to grieve together. And it's a blessing. And so much a blessing to see Him working in her life--like paying for her schooling (after getting her into the school, from the outset--all odds against it happening, and utterly "last minute" too). And so many things. But even the practical things are so wonderful to note.
One of the things He's been reminding of this past week is that nothing is beneath His notice and His concern in our lives. Absolutely nothing too "trivial." I mean, seriously, if He's concerned enough about the number of hairs on my head as to know how many there are, then what would be beneath His concern? Like, for real.
I mean--as much as I'm grateful for having hair and do the (basically bare minimum, by God's grace) to take care of it--I don't even care how many hairs I have. But He does. So He's concerned about the things pertaining to me, to us, which are even "beneath" our notice. How much more, then, is He concerned with the things which we do pay any attention to, whatsoever?
So, no, despite what someone has told me to do recently, I'm not setting a goal to save money. I'm going to trust the Lord to direct me in the way I should go, with finances. Period. And I'm going to stop freaking out about my wretched stewardship of funds and just continue giving Him thanks for what He gives, trusting Him for provision when there's lack, and trusting Him to help me honor Him with what I do have. And that means trusting Him to help with the debts, too--remaining faithful with payments, so to honor Him, and continue to slowly work toward paying things off, hopefully.
But I will trust Him.
He chose not to deliver me from cigarettes in the same fashion as He delivered me from alcohol. The craving, the urge to smoke, didn't disappear in a day, as it did with the overwhelming and uncontrollable urge to drink. I smoked and quit, and smoked and quit. And may yet do so, though I hope not. In fact, I gave in to the urge to buy another pack, yesterday. And couldn't smoke one, today. Not even one. I don't like the taste, I don't like the way it feels. It's moreso something of expression of grief, of deep lamentation of the state of all affairs. Sitting publicly, smoking. Rather than pulling out my hair, throwing dust, and covering myself with ashes. Instead, I breathe noxious, toxic smoke (at least the "healthiest" toxic smoke available as far as I'm aware) and cover myself with small bits of ashes, as they burn off.
A silent cry.
Lamentation, none the less.
Every time it's happened that smoking has become a thing, for the past few years, I think.
He hears, He sees. He knows. He is sovereign in might, in power, in wisdom, and in justice. And of the prayers, tonight, there is ongoing plea that the designs of the enemy as worked out through particular others will be brought to nothing. Or turned to good, moreover.
On which count, the difference between plotting and planning was broached. I hadn't even thought to realize it as a distinction the Lord might care to make.
I'm not innocent of those sorts of things--before surrendering to Christ's sovereign order over my life and my ways, I had all the best of intentions toward others, knowing what they "needed" to help them have a good life. And pushing so subtly toward those designs that it wasn't detected, too. Unto "good" things like self-confidence, strong work ethic, peace with circumstances, direction in life, relationships. Rationalizing it all as entirely good. Because these were all things that would "benefit" the people involved, helping them get from some "point A" to "point B." But my influence was entirely out of place. It wasn't surrendered to God and didn't urge toward seeking His will, so only drove people further away from Him.
The one time I was at least forthright was in regard to talking someone into dating a friend. She was very much taken with him, but he was vacillating because of another somewhat relationship (which I didn't realize then was a marital engagement rather than just a mere dating arrangement--I ended up finding this out from the woman he for-many-years jilted, years later). His other was out of town, maybe not coming back...or at least no time then-soon. So I talked him into exploring other options. Because he wanted to, anyway (or otherwise he wouldn't have capitulated, I reasoned), and because there was no certainty of the other. Better to go with what was in front of him, then. And the present friend was much younger than his intended spouse, too.
All of that, as an evidence how wretched I was, prior to submitting to Christ...of how merciful He's been, to deliver me. But also to evidence the way the world's reasoning works, while pointing out that this sort of reasoning isn't absent from the church, when we're walking by sight and not by faith. This sort of reasoning isn't good, isn't of God. It constitutes plotting--people covertly deciding a course of action in secret, then going forth to subtly enact it. Which is manipulation. And it's wicked. No matter how good the intentions. No matter whether in regard to marital arrangements or career choices.
I've had many attempt to likewise influence me, even. Especially where goes career paths and relationships. But I can't sustain anything, apart from Christ's ongoing support and direction. And I'm very grateful that is and has been the case. Otherwise, I'd be either a doctor or a lawyer, full of arrogance and malice, or would have married into one of the soul-crushing situations pressed upon me, for the sake of submitting to what was expected. Which...the Lord still can and does extend mercy into those sorts of situations. He does still deliver into His love, turning misery into sanctification, bringing light in nonetheless. But it's definitely not a course which honors Him, from the outset.
Would prefer to just wait on Him to direct, rather than succumb to any sort of pressures. Satan rushes us, with urgency to act that's unwell. The Lord is in charge of time, though, so He doesn't need to pressure us to act.
Along which lines, there was something read the other day about tactics manipulators use, wherein rushing someone to act creates an urgency that pushes reasonable thought to the side. And something about how "If the answer has got to be now, the answer has got to be no."
True dat.
It's just so distressing to have all sorts of weirdness on so many sides, is all. I know the Lord will have His way, ultimately, and I'm trusting Him to guide me through the shadows that seek to overwhelm and distort and distract. He has to--I'm just not capable of discerning what's right and good, unless He guides me and preserves me. We aren't capable of knowing good, unless He directly and continually opens our eyes to it, in truth. Attempting to use His Word as a codex, apart from realizing we can't know anything of Him unless He reveals Himself also by His Spirit...isn't beneficial. Merely reading the words isn't what does the work in us, it's His Spirit at work pressing upon us the truth of them, actively, which does so. Otherwise the many atheists who read the Bible and walk away further indignant against Him would have instead been drawn nearer Him rather than finding further cause to deride, mock, and despise.
We can't know truth, except it's revealed.
Prooftexting, then, is such an odd attempt to piecemeal things to particular ends. Which isn't to say that He doesn't give particular passages and writings to encourage and edify and instruct and chastise, specific to each. But by His will, not by ours. Arising of His Spirit, not drawn out by mere human intellect.
These are matters which have been revisited, unexpectedly, recently. And others, likewise, which are so distressing, grievous. But prayed about, tonight. And He'll continue to clarify and direct. Giving a great deal of peace, this week, just through reminding that the things which are concealed will be revealed, and those things hidden will be made known. Because it's so unwell to hide things, plotting. Gives room for the enemy to have a field-day.
Just, no.
There's too much madness right now, already. Without needing add to it. So, bit by bit, as the Lord allows and directs, I'll do as He gives in order to address and make known some of what's concealed. Hiding makes things worse. Even if being forthright can be so scary and painful. Dealing with disappointment, misunderstanding, rejection, disgust, or whatever ends up being confronted, is far better than being influenced unduly by the enemy.
Better to get it over with as soon as the Lord allows. Hiding things makes them seem wrong, even when they're not. Because the act of hiding, itself, justifiably arouses suspicions.
Got to pray with my friend Grace, today. We discuss circumstances, talk about what the Lord is doing in each of our lives, talk about where we've seen Him working around us and in the lives of others, discuss the state of matters and whatever new international and national needs are noted, if He's brought anything to either of our attention, and then we thank Him for all the many things and also ask for His help in the lives of others, the lives of one another, and the circumstances He's brought to our attentions.
I am so grateful for my sister, Grace. Our Father has given us one another to encourage toward Him and His ways. To rejoice together and to grieve together. And it's a blessing. And so much a blessing to see Him working in her life--like paying for her schooling (after getting her into the school, from the outset--all odds against it happening, and utterly "last minute" too). And so many things. But even the practical things are so wonderful to note.
One of the things He's been reminding of this past week is that nothing is beneath His notice and His concern in our lives. Absolutely nothing too "trivial." I mean, seriously, if He's concerned enough about the number of hairs on my head as to know how many there are, then what would be beneath His concern? Like, for real.
I mean--as much as I'm grateful for having hair and do the (basically bare minimum, by God's grace) to take care of it--I don't even care how many hairs I have. But He does. So He's concerned about the things pertaining to me, to us, which are even "beneath" our notice. How much more, then, is He concerned with the things which we do pay any attention to, whatsoever?
So, no, despite what someone has told me to do recently, I'm not setting a goal to save money. I'm going to trust the Lord to direct me in the way I should go, with finances. Period. And I'm going to stop freaking out about my wretched stewardship of funds and just continue giving Him thanks for what He gives, trusting Him for provision when there's lack, and trusting Him to help me honor Him with what I do have. And that means trusting Him to help with the debts, too--remaining faithful with payments, so to honor Him, and continue to slowly work toward paying things off, hopefully.
But I will trust Him.
He chose not to deliver me from cigarettes in the same fashion as He delivered me from alcohol. The craving, the urge to smoke, didn't disappear in a day, as it did with the overwhelming and uncontrollable urge to drink. I smoked and quit, and smoked and quit. And may yet do so, though I hope not. In fact, I gave in to the urge to buy another pack, yesterday. And couldn't smoke one, today. Not even one. I don't like the taste, I don't like the way it feels. It's moreso something of expression of grief, of deep lamentation of the state of all affairs. Sitting publicly, smoking. Rather than pulling out my hair, throwing dust, and covering myself with ashes. Instead, I breathe noxious, toxic smoke (at least the "healthiest" toxic smoke available as far as I'm aware) and cover myself with small bits of ashes, as they burn off.
A silent cry.
Lamentation, none the less.
Every time it's happened that smoking has become a thing, for the past few years, I think.
He hears, He sees. He knows. He is sovereign in might, in power, in wisdom, and in justice. And of the prayers, tonight, there is ongoing plea that the designs of the enemy as worked out through particular others will be brought to nothing. Or turned to good, moreover.
On which count, the difference between plotting and planning was broached. I hadn't even thought to realize it as a distinction the Lord might care to make.
I'm not innocent of those sorts of things--before surrendering to Christ's sovereign order over my life and my ways, I had all the best of intentions toward others, knowing what they "needed" to help them have a good life. And pushing so subtly toward those designs that it wasn't detected, too. Unto "good" things like self-confidence, strong work ethic, peace with circumstances, direction in life, relationships. Rationalizing it all as entirely good. Because these were all things that would "benefit" the people involved, helping them get from some "point A" to "point B." But my influence was entirely out of place. It wasn't surrendered to God and didn't urge toward seeking His will, so only drove people further away from Him.
The one time I was at least forthright was in regard to talking someone into dating a friend. She was very much taken with him, but he was vacillating because of another somewhat relationship (which I didn't realize then was a marital engagement rather than just a mere dating arrangement--I ended up finding this out from the woman he for-many-years jilted, years later). His other was out of town, maybe not coming back...or at least no time then-soon. So I talked him into exploring other options. Because he wanted to, anyway (or otherwise he wouldn't have capitulated, I reasoned), and because there was no certainty of the other. Better to go with what was in front of him, then. And the present friend was much younger than his intended spouse, too.
All of that, as an evidence how wretched I was, prior to submitting to Christ...of how merciful He's been, to deliver me. But also to evidence the way the world's reasoning works, while pointing out that this sort of reasoning isn't absent from the church, when we're walking by sight and not by faith. This sort of reasoning isn't good, isn't of God. It constitutes plotting--people covertly deciding a course of action in secret, then going forth to subtly enact it. Which is manipulation. And it's wicked. No matter how good the intentions. No matter whether in regard to marital arrangements or career choices.
I've had many attempt to likewise influence me, even. Especially where goes career paths and relationships. But I can't sustain anything, apart from Christ's ongoing support and direction. And I'm very grateful that is and has been the case. Otherwise, I'd be either a doctor or a lawyer, full of arrogance and malice, or would have married into one of the soul-crushing situations pressed upon me, for the sake of submitting to what was expected. Which...the Lord still can and does extend mercy into those sorts of situations. He does still deliver into His love, turning misery into sanctification, bringing light in nonetheless. But it's definitely not a course which honors Him, from the outset.
Would prefer to just wait on Him to direct, rather than succumb to any sort of pressures. Satan rushes us, with urgency to act that's unwell. The Lord is in charge of time, though, so He doesn't need to pressure us to act.
Along which lines, there was something read the other day about tactics manipulators use, wherein rushing someone to act creates an urgency that pushes reasonable thought to the side. And something about how "If the answer has got to be now, the answer has got to be no."
True dat.
It's just so distressing to have all sorts of weirdness on so many sides, is all. I know the Lord will have His way, ultimately, and I'm trusting Him to guide me through the shadows that seek to overwhelm and distort and distract. He has to--I'm just not capable of discerning what's right and good, unless He guides me and preserves me. We aren't capable of knowing good, unless He directly and continually opens our eyes to it, in truth. Attempting to use His Word as a codex, apart from realizing we can't know anything of Him unless He reveals Himself also by His Spirit...isn't beneficial. Merely reading the words isn't what does the work in us, it's His Spirit at work pressing upon us the truth of them, actively, which does so. Otherwise the many atheists who read the Bible and walk away further indignant against Him would have instead been drawn nearer Him rather than finding further cause to deride, mock, and despise.
We can't know truth, except it's revealed.
Prooftexting, then, is such an odd attempt to piecemeal things to particular ends. Which isn't to say that He doesn't give particular passages and writings to encourage and edify and instruct and chastise, specific to each. But by His will, not by ours. Arising of His Spirit, not drawn out by mere human intellect.
These are matters which have been revisited, unexpectedly, recently. And others, likewise, which are so distressing, grievous. But prayed about, tonight. And He'll continue to clarify and direct. Giving a great deal of peace, this week, just through reminding that the things which are concealed will be revealed, and those things hidden will be made known. Because it's so unwell to hide things, plotting. Gives room for the enemy to have a field-day.
Just, no.
There's too much madness right now, already. Without needing add to it. So, bit by bit, as the Lord allows and directs, I'll do as He gives in order to address and make known some of what's concealed. Hiding makes things worse. Even if being forthright can be so scary and painful. Dealing with disappointment, misunderstanding, rejection, disgust, or whatever ends up being confronted, is far better than being influenced unduly by the enemy.
Better to get it over with as soon as the Lord allows. Hiding things makes them seem wrong, even when they're not. Because the act of hiding, itself, justifiably arouses suspicions.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Seeking Particular Fellowship
As is the case seemingly often, absolutely everything is in especial flux. All sorts of warfare in the midst of particular developments--of freedom and love and hope and peace and pursuit of Christ. And there are people whom I care very deeply about who are being sorely tormented.
I have been and will continue remembering them before the Lord and expecting His help (no one else can help). He's already been so kind as to bring to light something which otherwise would have remained utterly hidden, intentionally so--but through the work of one being used to protect His own, He did bring to light something which otherwise would have been impossible to find. Even if it perhaps seemed a simple matter to find, at the end. Which...if so, if quite odd--the whole deal was utterly a point of impossibility.
But He is helping and will help. Just, the opposition is vast. The darkness has congregated against my friends and against myself in beseeching the Lord on their behalf and per ongoing fellowship without regard to whatsoever attempted damage would be wrought. With special attack regarding other matters, thereby. I'm still incredulous of being accepted.
But however the Lord wills. I will trust the Lord, even if I am utterly shattered over the course. Still, He'll use that to good. So I'll love and serve as He gives strength and leads. And that's enough. I'm grateful.
Part of current developments has also entailed seeking the Lord regarding fasting. And I need time away from the internet, particularly. It seems as though from June to at least mid-August, but however He leads. Just...it seems likely there'll be that span here, too.
Too much distraction. Too easy to get mired in thoughts aside of pursuit of Him, given the lack of effortful direction toward Him as afforded by all the many points of interest to be pursued online--even of godly resources, then still it's not the same as actual time concertedly spent in fellowship with Him. And that fellowship is vitally necessary right now, for so many reasons.
Please, be praying for me and my friends. That He would be near and would direct steps and guard and guide by His peace. And may Jesus be with you all, also, whoever you are and wherever He finds you.
Our Lord is gracious and full of love toward us who seek Him and love Him, and He will guard us and protect us by His Spirit, according to the will of the Father. May He lead you in truth and guard your hearts with His peace.
I have been and will continue remembering them before the Lord and expecting His help (no one else can help). He's already been so kind as to bring to light something which otherwise would have remained utterly hidden, intentionally so--but through the work of one being used to protect His own, He did bring to light something which otherwise would have been impossible to find. Even if it perhaps seemed a simple matter to find, at the end. Which...if so, if quite odd--the whole deal was utterly a point of impossibility.
But He is helping and will help. Just, the opposition is vast. The darkness has congregated against my friends and against myself in beseeching the Lord on their behalf and per ongoing fellowship without regard to whatsoever attempted damage would be wrought. With special attack regarding other matters, thereby. I'm still incredulous of being accepted.
But however the Lord wills. I will trust the Lord, even if I am utterly shattered over the course. Still, He'll use that to good. So I'll love and serve as He gives strength and leads. And that's enough. I'm grateful.
Part of current developments has also entailed seeking the Lord regarding fasting. And I need time away from the internet, particularly. It seems as though from June to at least mid-August, but however He leads. Just...it seems likely there'll be that span here, too.
Too much distraction. Too easy to get mired in thoughts aside of pursuit of Him, given the lack of effortful direction toward Him as afforded by all the many points of interest to be pursued online--even of godly resources, then still it's not the same as actual time concertedly spent in fellowship with Him. And that fellowship is vitally necessary right now, for so many reasons.
Please, be praying for me and my friends. That He would be near and would direct steps and guard and guide by His peace. And may Jesus be with you all, also, whoever you are and wherever He finds you.
Our Lord is gracious and full of love toward us who seek Him and love Him, and He will guard us and protect us by His Spirit, according to the will of the Father. May He lead you in truth and guard your hearts with His peace.
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Saturday, May 27, 2017
Thoughts on Control and Persecution
Learning patience. Is learning trust, too. And dependence.
Because, humanly speaking (regarding fallen nature, rather), I want to know the end at the beginning. Part of wanting to be as God.
But, realistically, that's just not even feasible. We're not infinite. We're not eternal. We don't have perfect understanding. And our very perspective is so limited as part of being a created, finite being that it's just impossible for us to perceive all things as would be required to comprehend all things as unto the ending.
But, still, the lie that I need to know how a particular matter will "end" is especially tempting. I don't need to know what will become of me. I don't need to know what the Lord has in store for me. If I did, He would have been more specific to us all when making it plain that He has "plans for good" for us and that "all things work to good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." He would have given specifics rather than calling us to look to who He is and how He is and what His will toward us is, if He intended us to know each bit rather than intending us to trust Him. To wait and walk by faith in Him, rather than faith in our understanding.
Thing is, if I don't have peace in the Lord now during the uncertainties...I'll be just as prone to fall away to temptation to be anxious and unrested in Him when things are perceived as "known." The latter just being something of a further delusion, is all--except that He periodically and sometimes gives specific revelation regarding the way a particular matter will go, we just tend to equate apparent consistency in circumstance (i.e., routine) as being of a "known." But it's not the full truth of the matter regarding what all is going on at any particular instance, is the thing--we're all, who are in Christ, in a battle. We are not disjointed from the rest of the body, no matter how insular or isolated or disconnected we may seem in our own perception of our realm in terms of the whole of reality. That's pretty clear, given the terminology of us being "a body" and each being "parts" and there being absurdity for an eye or ear or however to lament not being a foot, or vice-versa as was used. And also regards referring to us collectively as The Bride. We each are the bride, and yet we are a collective whole, too, in Christ. Unified in Him and the Father, then unified amongst ourselves as well. Or not unified with Him at all, in other words.
So there's an especially weird disconnect evidenced unto me, per the Lord's grace to observe, when we pray for persecution elsewhere while being utterly blind to our own. And this is a very dicey prospect to discuss, given fallen nature's tendency to compare ills as though striving to be "winner" of experienced griefs, to trump all others with revelation of the greatest atrocity endured...while unconsciously undermining the griefs of all by at the least striving to place oneself alongside as equal, if unable to "win" the game. The things endured are grievous. The persecutions each to each and on the whole are not to be discounted or undermined.
But are we perceiving reality or simply bolstering our own sense of purpose by attempting also to take on the persecutions of another to gain sympathy, ourselves? This, too, is a mire.
Rather, can we not seek the Lord give us ability to perceive the condition of our brothers and of ourselves without some sort of worked up emotionalism...but instead with true empathy, compassion, and honest submission to Himself, of the while? We are to grieve with those who grieve, and we are to rejoice with those who rejoice. There's honesty there. Sincerity implied. Not the adoption of emotions, but the love of another sufficient to prompt genuine concern for their lot...unto grief or rejoicing, even, as the case may be.
He's the only One who can effect that, in a world so geared toward self-obsession and self-consumption. Self-awareness, moreover: Mindfulness to the extent of attempting objectivity rather than experience.
Unto disconnect from reality, in so many senses.
And the confounding thing along those lines, in terms of modern western appraisal of such disconnect is that "dissociation"--which indicates development of excessively disconnected perception of self from reality as to be effectively detached from reality--is utterly rife, given we're all so willfully disjointed from and irreverent of our Creator God (who is our constant sustainer and provider) that dissociation is actual par for course of living in our society and yet we only diagnose as ill those who are so dissociated from reality in capacities and to degrees as make interaction along societally accepted norms impossible...and along those lines there's increasing tendency to view Christ's own, who believe and trust in God, as delusional and dissociated from reality. This, amongst those increasing and vocal many who are realistically the most deluded.
How much sense does it make for someone professing atheistic beliefs to attempt to diagnose someone else of being dissociated from reality?, is the point. There's a blatant and vital detachment from reality to adopt that stance, is the thing, yet it's increasingly an accepted perspective...as somehow valid.
And that's the world we live in, in the west. Where control is expected and sought daily, of all things. We are perceived as having freedom to create our own reality and to be absolutely anything we want to be (including becoming "dragons," becoming "babies," becoming paraplegic, or whatsoever else we each deem desirable--entirely without regard for our design and created order). And rage is so present and barely restrained that an any instant, if we refuse to cower or compromise, we could be assaulted. I've had it happen once, regarding refusal to back down about being the Lord's and not needing nor wanting a man because of being Christ's.
And even if there's not physical assault, the spiritual onslaught is absurd. So I just don't understand why folks are so blind to these things.
The "persecution" here isn't generally physical. But where there's honest attempt to honor God and walk in His ways, there are spiritual forces that contract to attempt to not only intimidate but also destroy. All in the midst of a society which refuses to acknowledge spiritual reality, as a general rule. Even unto questioning a person's sanity if there's belief in the spiritual.
If we feel safe in this world (except for of Christ, that is), we're deluded, is the point. And I hear from those who attempt to make a case for us as Christ's having some overt directive to conquer the world and take back what's been stolen, and such like. But I don't see that in Scripture. What I do see is that we can expect suffering, even as the judgment of God begins with His own people--unto our refinement and even unto drawing many to salvation in Christ (the Pilot of our salvation: the wrath of God against sin was made evident and satisfied upon and by Him).
And what I do read is that we who are the called are called to share in Christ's sufferings. Period.
No way around that.
For Him to say we've gotta take up our cross and follow Him?...keeping in mind: this was said well before He was crucified and thus was probably taken as some sort of very strange reference to a method of torturous death and humiliation as was considered utterly and totally inconceivable to be referenced in any literal capacity...much as it's often considered, nowadays.
But His actual experience of carrying a cross unto death (and resurrection, we must not forget) was literal, thereafter. Which doesn't indicate literal crucifixion for everyone who follows after Him, but in keeping with the all of how He speaks and spoke...does indicate clearly that we will share in something of that same crucifixion experience in a very real capacity, parallel. Because He said what He said for a reason. And He told us to take up our cross if we're going to follow Him.
Paul even said he was crucified with Christ. Daily dying, even. That's not insignificant, coming from someone who was given of God to explicitly instruct others to follow after him in the same manner as he follows/followed after Christ.
And Jesus said we are to take up our crosses. Anyone who intends to follow Him must take up their own cross. Period. If we're going to follow Him, that is.
But if we know Him and trust Him and believe Him and walk with Him, we won't fear these things of persecution and rejection and pain (increasingly freed from fears, at least, as we increasingly come to know and rely upon God) because we will know that He guides and gives strength and/or provision for every step along the way. And it is merciful that we should experience these things now, unto salvation--children are chastised, as it were--rather than being let to slide through this life remaining given to our delusions, refusing Him and despising Him.
We are all in active warfare, though. Just on varied fronts, in varied ways. And if we aren't engaged in active battle, then where have we come to rest? Not to say the Lord doesn't provide and ensure times of respite. He certainly does. And blessed, sweet fellowship.
But we tend, humanly and of the fallen carnal nature, to stray from Him and become complacent and self-indulgent when we're not actively striving. Happened to the Israelites, and they've been given us as foremost portrait of His people and what it is to walk with Him.
Just, we all need prayer. Hearts breaking for one another. Aching, knowing the suffering--physical and mental and social...are foremost spiritual--being endured by many of our brethren, worldwide. But if we know Him, we know that He gives grace sufficient to endure, comfort in the midst of chaos. He is the peace in the storm. So we can pray even as we know He is true to Himself and will help in whatsoever ways necessary those who are His--abundantly so. Such sweet fellowship, in the midst of suffering, too. He is so gracious.
So long as we turn to Him.
So let us turn to Jesus, individually and collectively. And abide in His love.
He will give grace to endure whatever He places in front of us. Even as a testimony and evidence of the truth of who He is. Even as Paul suffered multiple stonings, beatings, rejection, mockery, and ultimately was beheaded, then, too, I know He'll give grace for brothers and sisters enduring much the same. And will give such peace in His presence as usurps the fear and pain.
God is kind, is the thing. We are not.
And we're actively being pressed on all sides by an unseen enemy that wants only to steal, kill, and destroy. So much greater the need to rely on Jesus, foremost and wholly! Much greater the need to seek to know Him and walk in the light of truth.
He can and will do this, as we seek Him and draw near to Him.
Thursday, May 25, 2017
Hidden (Song): He Guides.
He does guide through the many shadows. My continued existence on this plane of reality attests to that fact, especially given the many years of intentional wandering thereabouts.
Jesus is the victor. Period. The battle may rage, but the war is won. And though we are counted as sheep for the slaughter, facing death all day long...yet in these very things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. And nothing can separate us from His love. Nothing in heaven or on earth. Nothing. (Romans 8:36-38ish)
That includes ourselves, as far as I'm concerned. He's the stronger party in this relationship, and for those who do love Him...He will draw us and preserve us, despite ourselves. All things working to good.
John 1:5
New International Version
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
New International Version
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
New Living Translation
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.
English Standard Version
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
Berean Study Bible
The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
Berean Literal Bible
And the Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
And the Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
New American Standard Bible
The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.
The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.
King James Bible
And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.
And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.
Holman Christian Standard Bible
That light shines in the darkness, yet the darkness did not overcome it.
That light shines in the darkness, yet the darkness did not overcome it.
International Standard Version
And the light shines on in the darkness, and the darkness has never put it out.
And the light shines on in the darkness, and the darkness has never put it out.
NET Bible
And the light shines on in the darkness, but the darkness has not mastered it.
And the light shines on in the darkness, but the darkness has not mastered it.
New Heart English Bible
And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness hasn't overcome it.
And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness hasn't overcome it.
Aramaic Bible in Plain English
And The Light is shining in the darkness, and the darkness did not overtake it.
And The Light is shining in the darkness, and the darkness did not overtake it.
GOD'S WORD
® Translation
The light shines in the dark, and the dark has never extinguished it.
® TranslationThe light shines in the dark, and the dark has never extinguished it.
New American Standard 1977
And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.
And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.
Jubilee Bible 2000
And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness apprehended it not.
And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness apprehended it not.
King James 2000 Bible
And the light shines in darkness; and the darkness overcame it not.
And the light shines in darkness; and the darkness overcame it not.
American King James Version
And the light shines in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.
And the light shines in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.
American Standard Version
And the light shineth in the darkness; and the darkness apprehended it not.
And the light shineth in the darkness; and the darkness apprehended it not.
Douay-Rheims Bible
And the light shineth in darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.
And the light shineth in darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.
Darby Bible Translation
And the light appears in darkness, and the darkness apprehended it not.
And the light appears in darkness, and the darkness apprehended it not.
English Revised Version
And the light shineth in the darkness; and the darkness apprehended it not.
And the light shineth in the darkness; and the darkness apprehended it not.
Webster's Bible Translation
And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.
And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.
Weymouth New Testament
The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overpowered it.
The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overpowered it.
World English Bible
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness hasn't overcome it.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness hasn't overcome it.
Young's Literal Translation
and the light in the darkness did shine, and the darkness did not perceive it.
and the light in the darkness did shine, and the darkness did not perceive it.
And now...sleep.
He gives His beloved rest.
He gives His beloved rest.
Monday, May 22, 2017
Further Surrender: Willing to Wait, Whatever the Case
The thing about "things" (specifically, regarding relationships with other people as the "entity" in question at the moment)...is they're not ultimately beneficial, apart from Christ.
And there's so much impossibility and improbability--potential for all sorts of wreckage to be made, surrounding current circumstances.
It would have been far simpler, in my estimation, for the Lord not to have romantic love be a thing for me--especially given the difficulties being faced. On all sides. So I'm just waiting for the Lord, and that's all I'm going to do. To pre-empt Him would be all sorts of ill. And that's even knowing that I have no idea of anything, except that I need His constant help.
Especially in context of the all. Period. There's no certainty of anything to come. Loving someone doesn't equate to certainty of what will happen or even whether anything will--the entirety may just be of the Lord to prompt to pray for him, while also using the situation to teach me many things and draw me nearer to God, to further surrender. Really, apart from ongoing surrender to and dependence upon Christ, the whole deal of interaction (period: romantic or otherwise) is utterly and absolutely impossible, anyway.
That's just how things are: it's impossible to interact in a fashion that truly honors God, unless walking in constant, ongoing submissive surrender to Him. Which entails constantly accepting whatever comes, without requirement or expectation, as from God's own hand. And that goes against everything in me which is yet being surrendered to Christ's sovereign will, as unto conformity to His perfect submission to the Father (which wasn't without grief).
Otherwise, without that submissive surrender...self-indulgent inclinations would hold sway: Wanting for immediacy of progression rather than relying upon the Lord to direct my steps. Wanting to know the end from the beginning. Indulging in expectations for behavior and progression. These and other such things would take precedence in thought, in my heart, and attempt to rule me.
Which would be to the detriment of my love of God and walk with Him. And that's not acceptable. Period. Because I don't want to not keep Him first (I'd rather die). But He won't let me falter as such, gladly. Because He's a good Shepherd and He's in control and can do as is necessary to draw and keep me near. And He will do so.
But I had been asking Him these past few weeks how it's even possible to have relationships with people, when there's such innate tendency to idolize others by seeking to depend on friends, family, beloved for primary direction, encouragement, clarity, support, love, and validation...all of which is inherently to the exclusion of worshipping and serving and trusting and reverencing God as who He is. Can't serve two masters is all. Can't submit to the love and desire for acceptance of man to the detriment and exclusion of submitting to and loving God and still walk with Him at all well.
All my life, though, I'd sought the approval of others and my wellness and sense of purpose had been founded upon what others think of me--even when rebelling against those things, actions were per knowing others' opposition in such a way as still constituted being overtly influenced by it, thus controlled. In keeping with this idolatry, of all the "things" relied upon before turning to Christ, the one which gave perceived semblance of meaning to life--the one which has lingered most deeply as a point of dire distraction--regards serving others and being enfolded in community. I found so much meaning thereby, even if it was never something I excelled at finding and maintaining.
But the few points of contact were enough to sustain me through some of life's darkest moments. But by grace, still. And so very merciful, that I wasn't overwhelmed and utterly consumed in the midst of such idolatry and so much destructive living as was the case.
Anyway. I have been asking Him to show me how these things go. Since He's made me accept I've been basically lying to myself about marriage--somewhat having renounced it on principle after coming to Him, seeing it such an idol and having endured so much destruction per attempts along those lines...but also, seeking to control something beyond my control by rejecting it outright.
And also, I still can't conceive of being able to have family-type relationships and friendship which are healthy, having lived a life of relationship with family that's manipulative and power-based and destructive: There's always been the element of control, even if only the manipulation of speech geared toward maintaining particular image and eliciting particular emotional responses.
But I've been out of touch with family for many months now, for the first time in my life. I'm just beginning to see what sort of brokenness has been at the core of interactions with them: Compulsive and emotional manipulation and pleading isn't love. Avoiding difficult subjects but speaking in ways intended to shock and dismay and upset in order to prompt behavioral change isn't love. And, again--I'm still being instructed on how things have been, having been given the strength to refrain from turning back to them. So painful, but the Lord has been calming fears and comforting me in the midst of grief.
In the midst of also helping me learn what healthy interaction is, even. Gradually. Like with speaking truth in love, without expectation, without manipulative intent. But out of love, hoping in Christ. And sometimes this has entailed really difficult truths, too--all the more of seeking Him prior to so-speaking, then waiting for His lead.
And the previous matter of dependence and looking to others for approval--wanting to lean overmuch on others for all sufficiency, as not to be responsible for myself, and also wanting to be able to give over the responsibility for my own thoughts and actions per seeking others' judgment of same, for direction? It's seriously destructive, seriously idolatrous.
It's very unhealthy. Very unhealthy. Totally forsakes God, in fact, by esteeming others more highly, which thus also esteems self per having enacted the judgment call which turns away from God and unto others for direction.
That's a potential danger in fellowship, period. A sense of collaborative agreement can yield to the sensation of ability to discern what's right apart from God, so long as agreement is maintained. And, even further fallen, anything which ruffles feathers or disturbs the surface of the water can or might then be seen as ungodly, just perforce having disturbed the group's sense of consistent agreement. All the more is this possible in smaller groups, perhaps especially marriage--deciding that agreement is sufficient to constitute determination of right and wrong...but apart from God. Apart from abject and joint reliance upon Him, seeking Him always for guidance, preservation, provision, and direction.
This all is even potential pitfall regarding rifling through Scripture with particular intent, assuming it's possible to discern right and wrong without God's guidance and intervention even while the reading. If and when we do receive truth through His Word, truth applicable to immediate life...it's not by our own impetus or determination per determining particular words match up with what we perceive as our need for undertaking daily doings. No, but our need for truth is met as He gives light and clarity through and unto what's been codified, preserved, gifted. Otherwise we're merely on par with the Pharisees and Sadducees.
When He was said to have fulfilled the law, not coming to destroy it, there's idiomatic language that's lost in translation. From what I gather, it's a turn of phrase denoting right interpretation rather than so grievously misinterpreting as to "destroy" intended meaning. And yet there's also the current interpretation per English that strands, too--He did fulfill all the law, and He did not destroy it. But He did come as the Way by which we are able to know and discern and apply truth, as well. In Him, not apart from Him. Intimately related to Him, intimately dependent upon Him for all things.
And the need for His constant guidance to know right and discern truth and be loving is no different as regards reading Scripture than as necessary in interaction with others (all things, really). There's prayerful dependence necessary. He'll reveal whatsoever He reveals, if sometimes only the guiding during the moment of fellowship with no additional revelation unto and regarding one's own heart and part in the scheme of all things.
The whole deal of relation and marriage apparently has much to do with still loving Christ utterly first to such extent beyond love of others as equating to somewhat the exclusion of them. So far surpassing that comparatively love for others is nil. And I'm not quite there, but He's faithful and He's already done so much on this front that I'd never even known was necessary or possible (well, it's not possible for me to have accomplished these things, but He's God)...I rest assured knowing He'll do what work is good and right.
Leading and guiding and helping me hold loosely and walk surrendered to Him in the midst of loving others. All the while acknowledging and knowing I belong foremost to God's, as do others. So all the while surrendering self and my concern for others to Him, consciously remembering each and every concern is actually more properly His, not my own. Never my own, independently. Ever. Even if the Lord were to somehow ordain marriage, then still each concern would be His. And even if there were ever children, still they would be God's own and only mine as being His gift moment by moment for however many moments allotted. He gives and takes away. All is His. And He doesn't give or take with apathy, but with great compassion and concern for our nearness to Him--He is our greatest need, after all.
God is God. He sustains us. He has given us life. He has the prerogative to take it, too. And He doesn't begrudge grief at loss, but mourns too: He did not author the evil nor sin which brought disorder, disease, and death into being. These consequences were simply arisen out of breaking right order, as evidence of brokenness of function. Increasingly evident as order is increasingly broken.
All the more call to heed Him, if we love one another. All the more to grieve of sin, seeing the consequences. And all the more to give thanks that He's long-suffering toward us all.
This thing of marriage and relationships with others, though--He's not finished teaching me, but there's apparently a lot concentric of walking surrendered. Accepting whatever comes, without requirement or expectation, but just trusting the Lord and finding all peace and security and hope and love in Him. So whether entering suffering or joy, then we're still to rejoice in Him as remaining so rooted in and focused upon Him that pain sharpens experience of His constant loving presence and joy yields more clarion witness of His merciful goodness. Unto rejoicing, either way.
Along this line of surrender and submission to the good and kind will of the Father, it's possible and right to love without expectation. Meaning it's possible to love without attempt to manipulate into any sort of response, whatsoever. Just to love, serve, give while continually surrendering whatever else comes up--jealousy, pain, fear, discomfort, uncertainty...and did I mention fear?--to Jesus. Bringing it all to Him--the love and the pains. Because He's still and will remain the utmost of all center of hope, joy, love, and peace--not experiences, not the hope of fellowship, not the wonder of being loved, not the gift of being accepted and cherished: Jesus remains utterly the center of love. And He can and will keep in peace, even if while grieving deeply, in the midst of whatever comes. He's given me tastes of this, already. He alone can do this. And when He lets us see that we're utterly incapable of being and doing what need be, then all the more can we see our need to despair of ourselves and turn to Him for all sufficiency even in loving others well and rightly.
We're not capable of outmaneuvering the wiles of the enemy, either--let alone being able to put to rest our own inherent fallen natures. And there is active attempt to destroy. So all the more to rejoice that Jesus overcame and still does overcome. Thus, in the middle of uncertainty and of waiting upon Him to move, we can rest assured of His love and His provision and sustaining power through suffering, all while knowing His will is good and knowing He is ours and we are His.
Whatever comes, then, it's enough just to know He's faithful and able and willing and desirous to carry us through. That's enough. He is enough. More than enough. And His mercies are new every morning.
Those who are His He will keep. That's our hope--He is who He has said He is, and we can rest in knowing He will do what He has said He will do. It's not up to us to be strong to be knowledgeable. But He guides, leads, instructs, corrects, and preserves. For which I'm grateful: Trying to figure things out is not possible from a limited human perspective, especially when there's all sorts of madness and pain and suffering on the line--especially when there's opposition on every side and threats of all sorts of harm, especially to people cherished and loved. All the less do I want to rely on my own strength, my own understanding, or the understanding of others who are only human...no matter how well meaning...when there's so much pain, so much uncertainty, so much need and so little ability to see the all of how things have come together, how they actually are, and where they're headed.
I've had a lot of really bad advice over course of my life, regarding this lattermost: Some of it from people I have considered and still consider really godly and very close to the Lord. Some of it ensconced in terms of Scripture--references and sermons included. And I've let myself be led away from trusting God that way, time and again, because I thought that someone being older than me was enough to mean I had to take their word as being sound. I heard it mentioned not long back, a couple months perhaps, that there's the tendency to idolize people who are perceived as especially godly to the exclusion of testing their advice, but instead taking it for granted as being sound and godly. Especially if they're perceived as having a close walk with the Lord.
All the more reason to wait on the Lord and test things diligently, rather than taking anyone's word. He will lead. He does. He has to or we would be still lost and would remain so.
He protects, preserves, shields, and delivers. Into His love, foremost.
So whatever comes or goes, it's all in His hands. We are in His hands. And I might not understand what's going on, but I don't have to. There may continue to be periodic grief like nothing I'd ever known before, but in Christ (and even in fellowshipping and worshipping with those who are His), there's also joy like nothing I could have ever imagined.
So whatever comes or goes, I will trust the Lord.
In Christ, all things are possible. In Christ, things can change in an instant despite all the world being utterly dark and contorted and people abusing and abasing and mocking and hating outright. In Christ, love overcomes. His love is supreme, covering a multitude of sins and casting out fear. And He is sufficient to guide and preserve and provide through every need. He will teach what we need to know, bit by bit.
And there's so much impossibility and improbability--potential for all sorts of wreckage to be made, surrounding current circumstances.
It would have been far simpler, in my estimation, for the Lord not to have romantic love be a thing for me--especially given the difficulties being faced. On all sides. So I'm just waiting for the Lord, and that's all I'm going to do. To pre-empt Him would be all sorts of ill. And that's even knowing that I have no idea of anything, except that I need His constant help.
Especially in context of the all. Period. There's no certainty of anything to come. Loving someone doesn't equate to certainty of what will happen or even whether anything will--the entirety may just be of the Lord to prompt to pray for him, while also using the situation to teach me many things and draw me nearer to God, to further surrender. Really, apart from ongoing surrender to and dependence upon Christ, the whole deal of interaction (period: romantic or otherwise) is utterly and absolutely impossible, anyway.
That's just how things are: it's impossible to interact in a fashion that truly honors God, unless walking in constant, ongoing submissive surrender to Him. Which entails constantly accepting whatever comes, without requirement or expectation, as from God's own hand. And that goes against everything in me which is yet being surrendered to Christ's sovereign will, as unto conformity to His perfect submission to the Father (which wasn't without grief).
Otherwise, without that submissive surrender...self-indulgent inclinations would hold sway: Wanting for immediacy of progression rather than relying upon the Lord to direct my steps. Wanting to know the end from the beginning. Indulging in expectations for behavior and progression. These and other such things would take precedence in thought, in my heart, and attempt to rule me.
Which would be to the detriment of my love of God and walk with Him. And that's not acceptable. Period. Because I don't want to not keep Him first (I'd rather die). But He won't let me falter as such, gladly. Because He's a good Shepherd and He's in control and can do as is necessary to draw and keep me near. And He will do so.
But I had been asking Him these past few weeks how it's even possible to have relationships with people, when there's such innate tendency to idolize others by seeking to depend on friends, family, beloved for primary direction, encouragement, clarity, support, love, and validation...all of which is inherently to the exclusion of worshipping and serving and trusting and reverencing God as who He is. Can't serve two masters is all. Can't submit to the love and desire for acceptance of man to the detriment and exclusion of submitting to and loving God and still walk with Him at all well.
All my life, though, I'd sought the approval of others and my wellness and sense of purpose had been founded upon what others think of me--even when rebelling against those things, actions were per knowing others' opposition in such a way as still constituted being overtly influenced by it, thus controlled. In keeping with this idolatry, of all the "things" relied upon before turning to Christ, the one which gave perceived semblance of meaning to life--the one which has lingered most deeply as a point of dire distraction--regards serving others and being enfolded in community. I found so much meaning thereby, even if it was never something I excelled at finding and maintaining.
But the few points of contact were enough to sustain me through some of life's darkest moments. But by grace, still. And so very merciful, that I wasn't overwhelmed and utterly consumed in the midst of such idolatry and so much destructive living as was the case.
Anyway. I have been asking Him to show me how these things go. Since He's made me accept I've been basically lying to myself about marriage--somewhat having renounced it on principle after coming to Him, seeing it such an idol and having endured so much destruction per attempts along those lines...but also, seeking to control something beyond my control by rejecting it outright.
And also, I still can't conceive of being able to have family-type relationships and friendship which are healthy, having lived a life of relationship with family that's manipulative and power-based and destructive: There's always been the element of control, even if only the manipulation of speech geared toward maintaining particular image and eliciting particular emotional responses.
But I've been out of touch with family for many months now, for the first time in my life. I'm just beginning to see what sort of brokenness has been at the core of interactions with them: Compulsive and emotional manipulation and pleading isn't love. Avoiding difficult subjects but speaking in ways intended to shock and dismay and upset in order to prompt behavioral change isn't love. And, again--I'm still being instructed on how things have been, having been given the strength to refrain from turning back to them. So painful, but the Lord has been calming fears and comforting me in the midst of grief.
In the midst of also helping me learn what healthy interaction is, even. Gradually. Like with speaking truth in love, without expectation, without manipulative intent. But out of love, hoping in Christ. And sometimes this has entailed really difficult truths, too--all the more of seeking Him prior to so-speaking, then waiting for His lead.
And the previous matter of dependence and looking to others for approval--wanting to lean overmuch on others for all sufficiency, as not to be responsible for myself, and also wanting to be able to give over the responsibility for my own thoughts and actions per seeking others' judgment of same, for direction? It's seriously destructive, seriously idolatrous.
It's very unhealthy. Very unhealthy. Totally forsakes God, in fact, by esteeming others more highly, which thus also esteems self per having enacted the judgment call which turns away from God and unto others for direction.
That's a potential danger in fellowship, period. A sense of collaborative agreement can yield to the sensation of ability to discern what's right apart from God, so long as agreement is maintained. And, even further fallen, anything which ruffles feathers or disturbs the surface of the water can or might then be seen as ungodly, just perforce having disturbed the group's sense of consistent agreement. All the more is this possible in smaller groups, perhaps especially marriage--deciding that agreement is sufficient to constitute determination of right and wrong...but apart from God. Apart from abject and joint reliance upon Him, seeking Him always for guidance, preservation, provision, and direction.
This all is even potential pitfall regarding rifling through Scripture with particular intent, assuming it's possible to discern right and wrong without God's guidance and intervention even while the reading. If and when we do receive truth through His Word, truth applicable to immediate life...it's not by our own impetus or determination per determining particular words match up with what we perceive as our need for undertaking daily doings. No, but our need for truth is met as He gives light and clarity through and unto what's been codified, preserved, gifted. Otherwise we're merely on par with the Pharisees and Sadducees.
When He was said to have fulfilled the law, not coming to destroy it, there's idiomatic language that's lost in translation. From what I gather, it's a turn of phrase denoting right interpretation rather than so grievously misinterpreting as to "destroy" intended meaning. And yet there's also the current interpretation per English that strands, too--He did fulfill all the law, and He did not destroy it. But He did come as the Way by which we are able to know and discern and apply truth, as well. In Him, not apart from Him. Intimately related to Him, intimately dependent upon Him for all things.
And the need for His constant guidance to know right and discern truth and be loving is no different as regards reading Scripture than as necessary in interaction with others (all things, really). There's prayerful dependence necessary. He'll reveal whatsoever He reveals, if sometimes only the guiding during the moment of fellowship with no additional revelation unto and regarding one's own heart and part in the scheme of all things.
The whole deal of relation and marriage apparently has much to do with still loving Christ utterly first to such extent beyond love of others as equating to somewhat the exclusion of them. So far surpassing that comparatively love for others is nil. And I'm not quite there, but He's faithful and He's already done so much on this front that I'd never even known was necessary or possible (well, it's not possible for me to have accomplished these things, but He's God)...I rest assured knowing He'll do what work is good and right.
Leading and guiding and helping me hold loosely and walk surrendered to Him in the midst of loving others. All the while acknowledging and knowing I belong foremost to God's, as do others. So all the while surrendering self and my concern for others to Him, consciously remembering each and every concern is actually more properly His, not my own. Never my own, independently. Ever. Even if the Lord were to somehow ordain marriage, then still each concern would be His. And even if there were ever children, still they would be God's own and only mine as being His gift moment by moment for however many moments allotted. He gives and takes away. All is His. And He doesn't give or take with apathy, but with great compassion and concern for our nearness to Him--He is our greatest need, after all.
God is God. He sustains us. He has given us life. He has the prerogative to take it, too. And He doesn't begrudge grief at loss, but mourns too: He did not author the evil nor sin which brought disorder, disease, and death into being. These consequences were simply arisen out of breaking right order, as evidence of brokenness of function. Increasingly evident as order is increasingly broken.
All the more call to heed Him, if we love one another. All the more to grieve of sin, seeing the consequences. And all the more to give thanks that He's long-suffering toward us all.
This thing of marriage and relationships with others, though--He's not finished teaching me, but there's apparently a lot concentric of walking surrendered. Accepting whatever comes, without requirement or expectation, but just trusting the Lord and finding all peace and security and hope and love in Him. So whether entering suffering or joy, then we're still to rejoice in Him as remaining so rooted in and focused upon Him that pain sharpens experience of His constant loving presence and joy yields more clarion witness of His merciful goodness. Unto rejoicing, either way.
Along this line of surrender and submission to the good and kind will of the Father, it's possible and right to love without expectation. Meaning it's possible to love without attempt to manipulate into any sort of response, whatsoever. Just to love, serve, give while continually surrendering whatever else comes up--jealousy, pain, fear, discomfort, uncertainty...and did I mention fear?--to Jesus. Bringing it all to Him--the love and the pains. Because He's still and will remain the utmost of all center of hope, joy, love, and peace--not experiences, not the hope of fellowship, not the wonder of being loved, not the gift of being accepted and cherished: Jesus remains utterly the center of love. And He can and will keep in peace, even if while grieving deeply, in the midst of whatever comes. He's given me tastes of this, already. He alone can do this. And when He lets us see that we're utterly incapable of being and doing what need be, then all the more can we see our need to despair of ourselves and turn to Him for all sufficiency even in loving others well and rightly.
We're not capable of outmaneuvering the wiles of the enemy, either--let alone being able to put to rest our own inherent fallen natures. And there is active attempt to destroy. So all the more to rejoice that Jesus overcame and still does overcome. Thus, in the middle of uncertainty and of waiting upon Him to move, we can rest assured of His love and His provision and sustaining power through suffering, all while knowing His will is good and knowing He is ours and we are His.
Whatever comes, then, it's enough just to know He's faithful and able and willing and desirous to carry us through. That's enough. He is enough. More than enough. And His mercies are new every morning.
Those who are His He will keep. That's our hope--He is who He has said He is, and we can rest in knowing He will do what He has said He will do. It's not up to us to be strong to be knowledgeable. But He guides, leads, instructs, corrects, and preserves. For which I'm grateful: Trying to figure things out is not possible from a limited human perspective, especially when there's all sorts of madness and pain and suffering on the line--especially when there's opposition on every side and threats of all sorts of harm, especially to people cherished and loved. All the less do I want to rely on my own strength, my own understanding, or the understanding of others who are only human...no matter how well meaning...when there's so much pain, so much uncertainty, so much need and so little ability to see the all of how things have come together, how they actually are, and where they're headed.
I've had a lot of really bad advice over course of my life, regarding this lattermost: Some of it from people I have considered and still consider really godly and very close to the Lord. Some of it ensconced in terms of Scripture--references and sermons included. And I've let myself be led away from trusting God that way, time and again, because I thought that someone being older than me was enough to mean I had to take their word as being sound. I heard it mentioned not long back, a couple months perhaps, that there's the tendency to idolize people who are perceived as especially godly to the exclusion of testing their advice, but instead taking it for granted as being sound and godly. Especially if they're perceived as having a close walk with the Lord.
All the more reason to wait on the Lord and test things diligently, rather than taking anyone's word. He will lead. He does. He has to or we would be still lost and would remain so.
He protects, preserves, shields, and delivers. Into His love, foremost.
So whatever comes or goes, it's all in His hands. We are in His hands. And I might not understand what's going on, but I don't have to. There may continue to be periodic grief like nothing I'd ever known before, but in Christ (and even in fellowshipping and worshipping with those who are His), there's also joy like nothing I could have ever imagined.
So whatever comes or goes, I will trust the Lord.
In Christ, all things are possible. In Christ, things can change in an instant despite all the world being utterly dark and contorted and people abusing and abasing and mocking and hating outright. In Christ, love overcomes. His love is supreme, covering a multitude of sins and casting out fear. And He is sufficient to guide and preserve and provide through every need. He will teach what we need to know, bit by bit.
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