The thing about "things" (specifically, regarding relationships with other people as the "entity" in question at the moment)...is they're not ultimately beneficial, apart from Christ.
And there's so much impossibility and improbability--potential for all sorts of wreckage to be made, surrounding current circumstances.
It would have been far simpler, in my estimation, for the Lord not to have romantic love be a thing for me--especially given the difficulties being faced. On all sides. So I'm just waiting for the Lord, and that's all I'm going to do. To pre-empt Him would be all sorts of ill. And that's even knowing that I have no idea of anything, except that I need His constant help.
Especially in context of the all. Period. There's no certainty of anything to come. Loving someone doesn't equate to certainty of what will happen or even whether anything will--the entirety may just be of the Lord to prompt to pray for him, while also using the situation to teach me many things and draw me nearer to God, to further surrender. Really, apart from ongoing surrender to and dependence upon Christ, the whole deal of interaction (period: romantic or otherwise) is utterly and absolutely impossible, anyway.
That's just how things are: it's impossible to interact in a fashion that truly honors God, unless walking in constant, ongoing submissive surrender to Him. Which entails constantly accepting whatever comes, without requirement or expectation, as from God's own hand. And that goes against everything in me which is yet being surrendered to Christ's sovereign will, as unto conformity to His perfect submission to the Father (which wasn't without grief).
Otherwise, without that submissive surrender...self-indulgent inclinations would hold sway: Wanting for immediacy of progression rather than relying upon the Lord to direct my steps. Wanting to know the end from the beginning. Indulging in expectations for behavior and progression. These and other such things would take precedence in thought, in my heart, and attempt to rule me.
Which would be to the detriment of my love of God and walk with Him. And that's not acceptable. Period. Because I don't want to not keep Him first (I'd rather die). But He won't let me falter as such, gladly. Because He's a good Shepherd and He's in control and can do as is necessary to draw and keep me near. And He will do so.
But I had been asking Him these past few weeks how it's even possible to have relationships with people, when there's such innate tendency to idolize others by seeking to depend on friends, family, beloved for primary direction, encouragement, clarity, support, love, and validation...all of which is inherently to the exclusion of worshipping and serving and trusting and reverencing God as who He is. Can't serve two masters is all. Can't submit to the love and desire for acceptance of man to the detriment and exclusion of submitting to and loving God and still walk with Him at all well.
All my life, though, I'd sought the approval of others and my wellness and sense of purpose had been founded upon what others think of me--even when rebelling against those things, actions were per knowing others' opposition in such a way as still constituted being overtly influenced by it, thus controlled. In keeping with this idolatry, of all the "things" relied upon before turning to Christ, the one which gave perceived semblance of meaning to life--the one which has lingered most deeply as a point of dire distraction--regards serving others and being enfolded in community. I found so much meaning thereby, even if it was never something I excelled at finding and maintaining.
But the few points of contact were enough to sustain me through some of life's darkest moments. But by grace, still. And so very merciful, that I wasn't overwhelmed and utterly consumed in the midst of such idolatry and so much destructive living as was the case.
Anyway. I have been asking Him to show me how these things go. Since He's made me accept I've been basically lying to myself about marriage--somewhat having renounced it on principle after coming to Him, seeing it such an idol and having endured so much destruction per attempts along those lines...but also, seeking to control something beyond my control by rejecting it outright.
And also, I still can't conceive of being able to have family-type relationships and friendship which are healthy, having lived a life of relationship with family that's manipulative and power-based and destructive: There's always been the element of control, even if only the manipulation of speech geared toward maintaining particular image and eliciting particular emotional responses.
But I've been out of touch with family for many months now, for the first time in my life. I'm just beginning to see what sort of brokenness has been at the core of interactions with them: Compulsive and emotional manipulation and pleading isn't love. Avoiding difficult subjects but speaking in ways intended to shock and dismay and upset in order to prompt behavioral change isn't love. And, again--I'm still being instructed on how things have been, having been given the strength to refrain from turning back to them. So painful, but the Lord has been calming fears and comforting me in the midst of grief.
In the midst of also helping me learn what healthy interaction is, even. Gradually. Like with speaking truth in love, without expectation, without manipulative intent. But out of love, hoping in Christ. And sometimes this has entailed really difficult truths, too--all the more of seeking Him prior to so-speaking, then waiting for His lead.
And the previous matter of dependence and looking to others for approval--wanting to lean overmuch on others for all sufficiency, as not to be responsible for myself, and also wanting to be able to give over the responsibility for my own thoughts and actions per seeking others' judgment of same, for direction? It's seriously destructive, seriously idolatrous.
It's very unhealthy. Very unhealthy. Totally forsakes God, in fact, by esteeming others more highly, which thus also esteems self per having enacted the judgment call which turns away from God and unto others for direction.
That's a potential danger in fellowship, period. A sense of collaborative agreement can yield to the sensation of ability to discern what's right apart from God, so long as agreement is maintained. And, even further fallen, anything which ruffles feathers or disturbs the surface of the water can or might then be seen as ungodly, just perforce having disturbed the group's sense of consistent agreement. All the more is this possible in smaller groups, perhaps especially marriage--deciding that agreement is sufficient to constitute determination of right and wrong...but apart from God. Apart from abject and joint reliance upon Him, seeking Him always for guidance, preservation, provision, and direction.
This all is even potential pitfall regarding rifling through Scripture with particular intent, assuming it's possible to discern right and wrong without God's guidance and intervention even while the reading. If and when we do receive truth through His Word, truth applicable to immediate life...it's not by our own impetus or determination per determining particular words match up with what we perceive as our need for undertaking daily doings. No, but our need for truth is met as He gives light and clarity through and unto what's been codified, preserved, gifted. Otherwise we're merely on par with the Pharisees and Sadducees.
When He was said to have fulfilled the law, not coming to destroy it, there's idiomatic language that's lost in translation. From what I gather, it's a turn of phrase denoting right interpretation rather than so grievously misinterpreting as to "destroy" intended meaning. And yet there's also the current interpretation per English that strands, too--He did fulfill all the law, and He did not destroy it. But He did come as the Way by which we are able to know and discern and apply truth, as well. In Him, not apart from Him. Intimately related to Him, intimately dependent upon Him for all things.
And the need for His constant guidance to know right and discern truth and be loving is no different as regards reading Scripture than as necessary in interaction with others (all things, really). There's prayerful dependence necessary. He'll reveal whatsoever He reveals, if sometimes only the guiding during the moment of fellowship with no additional revelation unto and regarding one's own heart and part in the scheme of all things.
The whole deal of relation and marriage apparently has much to do with still loving Christ utterly first to such extent beyond love of others as equating to somewhat the exclusion of them. So far surpassing that comparatively love for others is nil. And I'm not quite there, but He's faithful and He's already done so much on this front that I'd never even known was necessary or possible (well, it's not possible for me to have accomplished these things, but He's God)...I rest assured knowing He'll do what work is good and right.
Leading and guiding and helping me hold loosely and walk surrendered to Him in the midst of loving others. All the while acknowledging and knowing I belong foremost to God's, as do others. So all the while surrendering self and my concern for others to Him, consciously remembering each and every concern is actually more properly His, not my own. Never my own, independently. Ever. Even if the Lord were to somehow ordain marriage, then still each concern would be His. And even if there were ever children, still they would be God's own and only mine as being His gift moment by moment for however many moments allotted. He gives and takes away. All is His. And He doesn't give or take with apathy, but with great compassion and concern for our nearness to Him--He is our greatest need, after all.
God is God. He sustains us. He has given us life. He has the prerogative to take it, too. And He doesn't begrudge grief at loss, but mourns too: He did not author the evil nor sin which brought disorder, disease, and death into being. These consequences were simply arisen out of breaking right order, as evidence of brokenness of function. Increasingly evident as order is increasingly broken.
All the more call to heed Him, if we love one another. All the more to grieve of sin, seeing the consequences. And all the more to give thanks that He's long-suffering toward us all.
This thing of marriage and relationships with others, though--He's not finished teaching me, but there's apparently a lot concentric of walking surrendered. Accepting whatever comes, without requirement or expectation, but just trusting the Lord and finding all peace and security and hope and love in Him. So whether entering suffering or joy, then we're still to rejoice in Him as remaining so rooted in and focused upon Him that pain sharpens experience of His constant loving presence and joy yields more clarion witness of His merciful goodness. Unto rejoicing, either way.
Along this line of surrender and submission to the good and kind will of the Father, it's possible and right to love without expectation. Meaning it's possible to love without attempt to manipulate into any sort of response, whatsoever. Just to love, serve, give while continually surrendering whatever else comes up--jealousy, pain, fear, discomfort, uncertainty...and did I mention fear?--to Jesus. Bringing it all to Him--the love and the pains. Because He's still and will remain the utmost of all center of hope, joy, love, and peace--not experiences, not the hope of fellowship, not the wonder of being loved, not the gift of being accepted and cherished: Jesus remains utterly the center of love. And He can and will keep in peace, even if while grieving deeply, in the midst of whatever comes. He's given me tastes of this, already. He alone can do this. And when He lets us see that we're utterly incapable of being and doing what need be, then all the more can we see our need to despair of ourselves and turn to Him for all sufficiency even in loving others well and rightly.
We're not capable of outmaneuvering the wiles of the enemy, either--let alone being able to put to rest our own inherent fallen natures. And there is active attempt to destroy. So all the more to rejoice that Jesus overcame and still does overcome. Thus, in the middle of uncertainty and of waiting upon Him to move, we can rest assured of His love and His provision and sustaining power through suffering, all while knowing His will is good and knowing He is ours and we are His.
Whatever comes, then, it's enough just to know He's faithful and able and willing and desirous to carry us through. That's enough. He is enough. More than enough. And His mercies are new every morning.
Those who are His He will keep. That's our hope--He is who He has said He is, and we can rest in knowing He will do what He has said He will do. It's not up to us to be strong to be knowledgeable. But He guides, leads, instructs, corrects, and preserves. For which I'm grateful: Trying to figure things out is not possible from a limited human perspective, especially when there's all sorts of madness and pain and suffering on the line--especially when there's opposition on every side and threats of all sorts of harm, especially to people cherished and loved. All the less do I want to rely on my own strength, my own understanding, or the understanding of others who are only human...no matter how well meaning...when there's so much pain, so much uncertainty, so much need and so little ability to see the all of how things have come together, how they actually are, and where they're headed.
I've had a lot of really bad advice over course of my life, regarding this lattermost: Some of it from people I have considered and still consider really godly and very close to the Lord. Some of it ensconced in terms of Scripture--references and sermons included. And I've let myself be led away from trusting God that way, time and again, because I thought that someone being older than me was enough to mean I had to take their word as being sound. I heard it mentioned not long back, a couple months perhaps, that there's the tendency to idolize people who are perceived as especially godly to the exclusion of testing their advice, but instead taking it for granted as being sound and godly. Especially if they're perceived as having a close walk with the Lord.
All the more reason to wait on the Lord and test things diligently, rather than taking anyone's word. He will lead. He does. He has to or we would be still lost and would remain so.
He protects, preserves, shields, and delivers. Into His love, foremost.
So whatever comes or goes, it's all in His hands. We are in His hands. And I might not understand what's going on, but I don't have to. There may continue to be periodic grief like nothing I'd ever known before, but in Christ (and even in fellowshipping and worshipping with those who are His), there's also joy like nothing I could have ever imagined.
So whatever comes or goes, I will trust the Lord.
In Christ, all things are possible. In Christ, things can change in an instant despite all the world being utterly dark and contorted and people abusing and abasing and mocking and hating outright. In Christ, love overcomes. His love is supreme, covering a multitude of sins and casting out fear. And He is sufficient to guide and preserve and provide through every need. He will teach what we need to know, bit by bit.
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