He knows the end from the beginning. And He's actively involved in everything in the here and now, no matter how bleak, dark, and painfully horrific things seem. He's actively working all things together, for good. Though it appears as though everything is utterly broken, and is broken. Then, still, far deeper runs that scarlet thread which is the redemption He wove through His own blood, the inception and giving of His own life into the tapestry of creation.
Thing is, we can trust Him. He is trustworthy. I find in myself still an unwillingness to speak overtly and openly about trusting Him, actively and consciously. The last time I did so, in midst of group a month and some ago, there was some pretty sharp dissent. And even attempted conciliatory discussion of how "it's that way for [me] because [I'm] in a different place with the Lord." Well and good--so, then, where is everyone else?
I spent days in conflict and confusion over that, and a week later as much as recanted to compromise. As though there's not need to wait on Him for decisions, as though He's not actively willing to engage and endeavor leading us in the day to day and "mundane" as well as the "far reaching." Which of either "type" action is of what sort, to Him?
Is it more vital to Him to lead us in war than in endeavoring work? Is it more pertinent to our devotion to Him that we seek His will in which church to attend, but weigh things practically speaking according to logic and other worldly precepts when it comes to a spouse? And of finances? And food? And all the things?
People talk about being incapacitated by waiting for decisions. And about how absurd it seems to wait upon Him for "trivial" things. But either it's all trivial to Him or it's all relevant--He's omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, sustainer of all which is who knows all things ever to be from the beginning. So, either every single thing is utterly of no consequence and matter to Him, or it all is--He's sustaining it all, as it goes, and yet permitting those things which ardently defy Him, for the meantime till He restores all of creation to Himself.
So why would He not be pleased to be included in all things which are of any significance as any-ways necessary or convenient to life? He allows us the breath and sustained life to be capable of so endeavoring and pursuing, so why wouldn't He also be concerned with what ways our thoughts and inclinations tend while we yet breathe by grace?
Just, there's a disconnect. A major disconnect. And I experience it, still, when I find my heart catch on a twinge of fear regarding being entirely open about how dependent upon Him I am, and in regard to what manner of "trivialities." Even thereafter fearing that to speak on them as matters submitted to Him would then somehow be put to a trial by others, mocking. In kind with what happened weeks ago. And in keeping with what's been going on, of other matters.
There's even been insinuation (blatant enough to be caustic) that it's another spirit I'm heeding. We all have to test the spirits come through those who are our leaders, and those in which we operate. So it's good to test the spirit in which our companions persist and even momentarily find themselves. It's vital to do so, really. And especially of those which come to us, of impulse and inclination, understanding and "epiphany."
We're told we must do so. We've been told we are not to be deceived. Not that we "shouldn't be" or that we have to try very hard not to be. But in the same manner as being told we're to seek His Kingdom first, rather than financial, material, worldly securities and subsistences (food and clothing are as preliminary as you can get where goes security and earthly subsistence...)...we're told not to be deceived. To test the spirits.
Period.
And it's a pretty heady lesson to consider that one of Jesus's closest disciples, immediately after speaking from the Father that Jesus is the Son of God went on to speak for Satan. Every thought then has need to be brought into subjection to Christ. His work, though--we're pretty incapable.
He's willing, though.
There's just still also this disconnect which is part of the other discussed, wherein we have it in our heads to some extent that we have to do the things in our own strength, by our own understanding, as though we'd been left as orphans and just handed a book to guide us with instructions. He said we weren't left as orphans. We're not abandoned. We have His Spirit working in and through us, if we're His. If we love Him, we are in Him and He in us. And we will obey Him, as we abide thus. By His Spirit--not growing fruit of our own will, by our own means and manners and methods, but because we are in the Vine. Branches don't independently produce fruit or growth. And they don't prune themselves. Everything they are and become is from that upon which they thrive and draw all sustenance and nourishment and they are shaped by forces external, along the while.
Why can't we just trust Him? And ask Him to help? Why do we have to believe we can figure things out, apart from Him, still? As though He'll be proud of us, or something, if we somehow prove ourselves capable of doing well?
If there's good that comes, it's of Him and by Him. If we see truth, if we are aware of our sin, if we see how wretched and horrible we are (and, oh my, but we are so much more terrifying than we want to know), and how apt to inflict pain and wound and do dire damage...then it's only because He's allowed us, drawing back some bit of deluded thinking to allow clarity to realize the truth of our separation and fall from grace. But we're not our own. We were bought with a price. And His grace is sufficient. Period.
We don't depend on ourselves for salvation, nor can we for sanctification. Paul made that utterly clear for the church at Galatia, but we...oh, we still like to think we can do things that will help us, foster our sanctification, and do all the things. We so easily forget the grace that saved us wasn't of our effort, ultimately. We play up any impulses toward Him we've had, neglecting that we still are apt to sin--otherwise to acknowledge this would make it so clear that we're not the ones at cause for our capitulation, nor our continuation in grace.
He told Moses He would have mercy on those whom He would have mercy. He could just as easily allow us all to perish under wrath. And if things were fair, He would. If things were fair, as humans count fairness, we'd all pay the penalty for turning against our perfectly good and infinitely loving Creator and Sustainer God. If things were fair, He wouldn't have suffered and died, taking the penalty for our sins upon Himself in order to make a way for us to receive mercy while still upholding justice through His own flesh.
If things were fair, we would be in a state of existence befitting our wretchedness.
Instead, He's long-suffering toward us. And merciful. And kind--raining on the just and unjust. Enduring our hatred and allowing us to have it rather than to cherish Him. Allowing us despite that He would prefer that none perish.
He is good. He is loving. And He is faithful. He won't let us fall forever. He will use whatever comes and whatever is to glorify Himself, which benefits us--He gets the glory when we get boons we don't deserve and are delivered from impossible situations into peace, provision, love, and hope. When our faith and patience are steadfast, He is glorified in answering. And should He choose not to, He is glorified in sustaining us throughout. And in delivering us into greater peace and dependence, as created dependents.
He loves us. Why would He neglect us? But perhaps what we count as neglect is something else entirely.
And when we fear to do harm to those we love, we need to remember He's the strong one in this relationship. He's in charge. If He allows wounds, it's to heal. To know Him, in truth, and to rest in Him and trust Him and wait upon Him and walk with Him...all these are greater than anything which could come of life, otherwise.
He is truth. He is our sustainer and the lover of our souls. He provides, shields, and instructs. Where these things are, it's as He gives grace. To know Him is to have life.
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