Everything is still so very odd. Or maybe the Lord really is answering the prayers to see truth, see reality for what it truly is--increasingly and in the safety of His presence guiding and reminding of His Being and keeping. Circumstances shift in moments--atmosphere, ambience, attitudes, awareness, tones.
And in the midst of it all remains continued oddness of hidden agendas. The Lord will bring to light, though. That's assured. Here and now is what seems the case moreso even than waiting till hereafter. But either way, as He wills.
My only stake in the whole is Christ and needing Him, ultimately, although the entirety is utterly heart-wrenching. And I don't even know the extent to which I am erring, continually. But I know my Redeemer lives and rest assured that He's faithful to continue the work He began.
Sitting and lingering long over particular of my faults and sin and continued temptations and failures has only made things all the more convoluted. It constitutes distraction from Jesus. It constitutes a yielding to temptation to be self-consumed, really. And I am so prone to pity myself and get wrapped up in my obvious, glaring, endless insufficiencies...even given a guise of godliness as lamenting these things per a simultaneous sidelong reflection on God's goodness and purity and holiness. But it's more like coveting, envying (or even resenting) His righteousness per that sort of glance than it is truly lamenting sin while being stricken by His goodness.
There's a vital disconnect unless lamentation is unto repentance and further trust in God and gratitude for His redemptive work. It's only another manifestation of pride given a marginally godly veneer.
I give into bouts of self-pity over and over again. But the Lord is faithful. He delivers me from evil. From sin. From the flesh. Even leading in putting to death its deeds, as to walk in His Spirit more completely.
I cannot do these things, myself. Period. But He can. And He's the power and the might and the strength and the ability and direction in this relationship. So, I get to just rest in Him. Drawing nearer to Him. To love Him. And that is where sin is seen grievous as unto repentance, set aside in favor of love. In His Presence is freedom. By His Spirit. Not by my understanding or striving, but by His grace, by His will.
Not by works.
So let the fire burn off the dross. I don't even have the strength to stand. But He's right here with me, and He's been carrying me and showing some really, really hard things about life and relationships and family and love. Unto the realization that I simply am utterly incapable of maneuvering healthy relationships, let alone romance--the latter being an utmost idol prior to coming to Christ. I am assuredly not capable of it not being so, now.
But thing is--He's been very merciful to reveal these things. Because otherwise, I'd be perpetually deluded as continuing to believe otherwise. If He hadn't let me see these hard, painful truths...I would still retain some major unconscious belief that I'm capable of navigating human interactions and relationships and love in my own strength and by my own understanding. Along which lines is perhaps why He's allowed anxiety to be so very crippling in most fellowships, if one amongst many reasons--forcing dependence, consciously and continually, whereas there would have been reliance upon "my own strength" and "my own understanding" elsewise.
I have no strength or understanding apart from Jesus. I wasn't created to have strength or understanding apart from Him. None of us were.
We were created for loving, complete dependence...reverence...abiding in Him, trusting in Him, and doing only as He would will. Not apart. Not striving to understand apart from Him. Not striving to do anything apart from Him. But in deference always--as He is constantly present, constantly sustaining us, constantly loving us, constantly thinking of us, constantly guiding (even in waiting).
That all goes against every fallen human tendency and inclination, period. We rail against the idea of dependence, instead wanting to "understand and know how to do things right:" So we can do them in our strength, according to our understanding. Along lines we have come to accept as being in accord with His will...which implies a judgment has taken place, implies a distance, distinction still. Not deferential. Definitely doesn't sound like waiting upon Him or trusting Him to lead (be led by the Spirit, maybe?). Seriously doesn't constitute yielding control. Or perceived control, rather.
Wants and insists, instead, to be as God. To judge what's right, after Him. To ascertain what's good and evil and then proceed. According to our judgment of what's necessary according to these assessments.
Very tricksy. And the alternate is impossible to human nature, fallen.
Knowing Him is vital. Not just knowing of Him, but knowing Him. His Word is such a gracious boon to us, of that. Not piecemeal bits taken to peruse, though. Piecemeal contemplations can fairly easily yield to distraction and deception--readily yielded to a seeking of particular confirmation of one's preconceptions. Rather than seeking Him for who He is.
Major difference, minor distinction. He gives us over to the delusions we seek, though, if we seek delusion rather than truth. All the more to walk out salvation in fear, knowing our own nature and the true power of His sovereignty...as having allowed us that choice. Not taking Him for granted, in other words. But remembering who He is. Remembering who we are. And yet remembering foremost what Jesus has done for us to redeem us, to make it possible for us to walk in His Spirit, and of what His will toward us is: It's good. And God is full of love and grace and truth..and mercy...through Jesus Christ. Remembering also that He will complete the work He began.
The thread of fear is woven into a tapestry of reverence and love and abjectly devoted, adoring obeisance. Gratitude and rejoicing in Him, too. So many things. Longing for Him.
And when the heart grows colder and the eyes grow dim, then He is the one to spark the flame of passion unto truthful pursuit of Him. He is the one who will clarify and cleanse. Leading us in good works, even. Not drudged up of ourselves. But prepared by Him. Led by Him.
In the midst of continued madness and odd intrigues, even if in such a small sphere as He has me in, then still...Jesus is the only and total hope. And I would fear, except I trust Him. Even to have my heart completely destroyed, utterly decimated, if it comes again and again...then I trust Him and know that He wounds to bind up and heal. Whatever wounds He permits are still for our good and His glory. And I will not fear the pain, though it still is so very difficult to sit with, even in His good company and with His peace and love holding sway.
He will teach me. He will cleanse me. He is mine. And I am His. And that is everything I need.
Whatever else He gives is His, still, and He gives and takes away, as is His prerogative and His goodwill. To His glory and our sanctification, the refining of faith and greater knowledge of Him--a glory beyond measure.
So however goes. I love. And will love. And that's all. I can't do the things. But Jesus can. And has. And will. And He has been preventing me from fleeing for a good while now, increasingly consciously surrendering. Increasingly made aware of my abject insufficiencies and inabilities and failures. But in light of His sufficiency and absolute ability and utter victory, and of His will for me to abide in Him and trust Him to lead, to guide, to keep, and to heal.
I trust the Lord. I have trusted Jesus. And I will trust Him. Period.
I will and do hope in Him and whatever He gives, I will receive as from God's own hand and will hold loosely--not because I'm capable of preventing myself from grasping too tightly or dropping, but because He assures me that He will never leave me and it's His will for me to abide in Him and be led of Him in all things: Jesus, Himself, will continue to adjust my grasp. So to more nearly walk as He walked. To abide and obey and love Him, ever waiting and only doing as shown, given, instructed directly--as He did, of the Father.
And that is utterly beyond human ability, as fallen. Utterly beyond our ability to even attempt. In fact, to attempt it is to fail. Rather, if we even long for it, then it's because He's placed that desire in our hearts as to answer it. Despairing in His direction, then. And not without hope. Because to despair of self in the Father's direction is to receive His loving attention, turned to gently mold and shape hearts anew, even if breaking them along the way so to remove the shards of glass and wretched poisons long malingering therein enmeshed over course of times defiant.
He is the Potter. We are the clay.
Even if He doesn't deliver us from the fire, we know He goes in with us. And we know His will is good. And truly He is the only hope.
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