Waiting Through Pain and Absolute Inability

Everything is still so very odd. Or maybe the Lord really is answering the prayers to see truth, see reality for what it truly is--increasingly and in the safety of His presence guiding and reminding of His Being and keeping. Circumstances shift in moments--atmosphere, ambience, attitudes, awareness, tones.

And in the midst of it all remains continued oddness of hidden agendas. The Lord will bring to light, though. That's assured. Here and now is what seems the case moreso even than waiting till hereafter. But either way, as He wills.

My only stake in the whole is Christ and needing Him, ultimately, although the entirety is utterly heart-wrenching. And I don't even know the extent to which I am erring, continually. But I know my Redeemer lives and rest assured that He's faithful to continue the work He began.

Sitting and lingering long over particular of my faults and sin and continued temptations and failures has only made things all the more convoluted. It constitutes distraction from Jesus. It constitutes a yielding to temptation to be self-consumed, really. And I am so prone to pity myself and get wrapped up in my obvious, glaring, endless insufficiencies...even given a guise of godliness as lamenting these things per a simultaneous sidelong reflection on God's goodness and purity and holiness. But it's more like coveting, envying (or even resenting) His righteousness per that sort of glance than it is truly lamenting sin while being stricken by His goodness.

There's a vital disconnect unless lamentation is unto repentance and further trust in God and gratitude for His redemptive work. It's only another manifestation of pride given a marginally godly veneer.

I give into bouts of self-pity over and over again. But the Lord is faithful. He delivers me from evil. From sin. From the flesh. Even leading in putting to death its deeds, as to walk in His Spirit more completely.

I cannot do these things, myself. Period. But He can. And He's the power and the might and the strength and the ability and direction in this relationship. So, I get to just rest in Him. Drawing nearer to Him. To love Him. And that is where sin is seen grievous as unto repentance, set aside in favor of love. In His Presence is freedom. By His Spirit. Not by my understanding or striving, but by His grace, by His will.

Not by works.

So let the fire burn off the dross. I don't even have the strength to stand. But He's right here with me, and He's been carrying me and showing some really, really hard things about life and relationships and family and love. Unto the realization that I simply am utterly incapable of maneuvering healthy relationships, let alone romance--the latter being an utmost idol prior to coming to Christ. I am assuredly not capable of it not being so, now.

But thing is--He's been very merciful to reveal these things. Because otherwise, I'd be perpetually deluded as continuing to believe otherwise. If He hadn't let me see these hard, painful truths...I would still retain some major unconscious belief that I'm capable of navigating human interactions and relationships and love in my own strength and by my own understanding. Along which lines is perhaps why He's allowed anxiety to be so very crippling in most fellowships, if one amongst many reasons--forcing dependence, consciously and continually, whereas there would have been reliance upon "my own strength" and "my own understanding" elsewise.

I have no strength or understanding apart from Jesus. I wasn't created to have strength or understanding apart from Him. None of us were.

We were created for loving, complete dependence...reverence...abiding in Him, trusting in Him, and doing only as He would will. Not apart. Not striving to understand apart from Him. Not striving to do anything apart from Him. But in deference always--as He is constantly present, constantly sustaining us, constantly loving us, constantly thinking of us, constantly guiding (even in waiting).

That all goes against every fallen human tendency and inclination, period. We rail against the idea of dependence, instead wanting to "understand and know how to do things right:" So we can do them in our strength, according to our understanding. Along lines we have come to accept as being in accord with His will...which implies a judgment has taken place, implies a distance, distinction still. Not deferential. Definitely doesn't sound like waiting upon Him or trusting Him to lead (be led by the Spirit, maybe?). Seriously doesn't constitute yielding control. Or perceived control, rather.

Wants and insists, instead, to be as God. To judge what's right, after Him. To ascertain what's good and evil and then proceed. According to our judgment of what's necessary according to these assessments.

Very tricksy. And the alternate is impossible to human nature, fallen.

Knowing Him is vital. Not just knowing of Him, but knowing Him. His Word is such a gracious boon to us, of that. Not piecemeal bits taken to peruse, though. Piecemeal contemplations can fairly easily yield to distraction and deception--readily yielded to a seeking of particular confirmation of one's preconceptions. Rather than seeking Him for who He is.

Major difference, minor distinction. He gives us over to the delusions we seek, though, if we seek delusion rather than truth. All the more to walk out salvation in fear, knowing our own nature and the true power of His sovereignty...as having allowed us that choice. Not taking Him for granted, in other words. But remembering who He is. Remembering who we are. And yet remembering foremost what Jesus has done for us to redeem us, to make it possible for us to walk in His Spirit, and of what His will toward us is: It's good. And God is full of love and grace and truth..and mercy...through Jesus Christ. Remembering also that He will complete the work He began.

The thread of fear is woven into a tapestry of reverence and love and abjectly devoted, adoring obeisance. Gratitude and rejoicing in Him, too. So many things. Longing for Him.

And when the heart grows colder and the eyes grow dim, then He is the one to spark the flame of passion unto truthful pursuit of Him. He is the one who will clarify and cleanse. Leading us in good works, even. Not drudged up of ourselves. But prepared by Him. Led by Him.

In the midst of continued madness and odd intrigues, even if in such a small sphere as He has me in, then still...Jesus is the only and total hope. And I would fear, except I trust Him. Even to have my heart completely destroyed, utterly decimated, if it comes again and again...then I trust Him and know that He wounds to bind up and heal. Whatever wounds He permits are still for our good and His glory. And I will not fear the pain, though it still is so very difficult to sit with, even in His good company and with His peace and love holding sway.

He will teach me. He will cleanse me. He is mine. And I am His. And that is everything I need.
Whatever else He gives is His, still, and He gives and takes away, as is His prerogative and His goodwill. To His glory and our sanctification, the refining of faith and greater knowledge of Him--a glory beyond measure.

So however goes. I love. And will love. And that's all. I can't do the things. But Jesus can. And has. And will. And He has been preventing me from fleeing for a good while now, increasingly consciously surrendering. Increasingly made aware of my abject insufficiencies and inabilities and failures. But in light of His sufficiency and absolute ability and utter victory, and of His will for me to abide in Him and trust Him to lead, to guide, to keep, and to heal.

I trust the Lord. I have trusted Jesus. And I will trust Him. Period.
I will and do hope in Him and whatever He gives, I will receive as from God's own hand and will hold loosely--not because I'm capable of preventing myself from grasping too tightly or dropping, but because He assures me that He will never leave me and it's His will for me to abide in Him and be led of Him in all things: Jesus, Himself, will continue to adjust my grasp. So to more nearly walk as He walked. To abide and obey and love Him, ever waiting and only doing as shown, given, instructed directly--as He did, of the Father.

And that is utterly beyond human ability, as fallen. Utterly beyond our ability to even attempt. In fact, to attempt it is to fail. Rather, if we even long for it, then it's because He's placed that desire in our hearts as to answer it. Despairing in His direction, then. And not without hope. Because to despair of self in the Father's direction is to receive His loving attention, turned to gently mold and shape hearts anew, even if breaking them along the way so to remove the shards of glass and wretched poisons long malingering therein enmeshed over course of times defiant.

He is the Potter. We are the clay.
Even if He doesn't deliver us from the fire, we know He goes in with us. And we know His will is good. And truly He is the only hope.

Songs: If This Is What It Means, Generous, Pieces

Thoughts on God's Faithfulness, Deliverance, Prevenient Grace, and Sanctification

Jesus is so faithful to me. Random call tonight from my friend in Tazewell, and much talk of how she's been seeking after Him lately and of His faithfulness to her and of how conversations between her and others seeking Him have encouraged her. Again and again and again references from His Word. 

He is so kind to me. So good to me, when I'm most weak and weary and worn, even as to have fallen into self-pity again over loneliness. Instead of rebuking, He provides hours of fellowship referring continually to Himself. And even as listless and discombobulated as I am, to be incapable of well focusing, then still...to have again and again the return to Him come blatant and engaging? So kind, in the midst of seeing more of the wretchedness awaiting redemption. 

He will deliver from this. It's not a matter of if, but of when and how. And as such, not a matter of concern at all, because He's already got all the details lined out perfectly. 

I am so grateful. So grateful. He doesn't leave us to our own devices. He doesn't allow us tempted more than we can bear, except as to try our faith and reveal Himself more clearly. And whatsoever else He intends, of each to each. But always good. 

To His glory, moreover. 

I am so grateful. 

And I'm reminded of interactions at first with the people who initially allowed me into fellowship with themselves from the previous church. Of how odd it seemed to be with them, in the Presence of the Lord, and yet so often talking about Him as though He wasn't present. I remember being very disturbed and uncomfortable about it. Asking Him about it, but not really knowing what to do and so continuing, regardless. With an eye to Him, the while. 

Feeling somewhat guilty, still. For continuing apparently one-sided reverence for His presence. Much a point of grief, remembering. 

I don't want to go back to the confusions of that day, nor go back to the ignorance of Him which made it so quick a thing to prefer the instruction of man rather than heeding God's own leading. But to the ardent devotion, yes. To the unstilted and unyielding pursuit, yes. Even as He's taught me so much along the while that pursuit of Him isn't limited to being solely as time spent reading His word, but also pondering, meditating upon it, prayer for revelation of it, and simple fellowship with Him, and of sharing of Him with others. But of always remaining somewhat keen to His presence and will, if only of waiting upon Him and resting in the ever-present peace which He so graciously affords. 

(And again, at this point, rather than saying "I'm so grateful," which is the mask for "Lord, thank you," as a more "publicly acceptable" acknowledgement of Him:)
Lord, thank You. Father, thank You. 

Ruach HaKodesh. Breath, Essence, Spirit of the Holy One...thank You. Jesus, my Lord and my God. Heavenly Father. God. 

I'm still so utterly brain-melt over Trinitarian co-equality, unity in diversity. All the more to bow. 

And the thing is, there are so many totally wonky philosophies abounding at this point. Reverencing one above another, to an effective exclusion of realizing unity. The whole idea is entirely intimidating. I know He is One, as Father, Son, and Spirit. But that still utterly defies my ability to process. Which...given it took something of six months past conversion to be stricken with realization that the Word of God, the Bible is truth and I utterly believe His Word--specifically in regard to realizing a seven day creation (I count the day of rest, thanks). Versus having long been accepting of evolutionary theories, and assuming they were still plausible until that very point in time. 

Just stricken to realize I did believe He created in the number of days He has said. Period. And I didn't understand, still don't, but accept not having to...because He said it, He did it, He had it recorded, and it's truth. So, He tells me/us He's triune? Okay. Well enough. 

It's been a long road just to being acclimated to the idea of a healthy Father, let alone to begin to realize His love and pleasure in me. As in a good way. He's still working on that. Jesus mediates, present evidence, as revealed by His Spirit through His Word witnessing of the truth therein, present. 

I miss that ardency, though. I miss Him. He's still here. He hasn't gone anywhere. I have. 

My heart aches over things recent and still in effect. I do want to have family. I do want to be loved, cherished, and howsoever else. I don't want to be ever on the fringes of even Christian society, ever yet for sake of remaining nearer Him, for sake of remaining apart from treading deeper waters of temptation readily trod by most, then I will. Though it kills me. And I cannot do it. I cannot wrest my heart free. But His will be done. Not mine. And if the choice ever is between compromising pursuit of Jesus for sake of earthly companions, versus relishing the love of my Lord and God, my Heavenly Father, and being ever keen to hear His sweet voice whispering in the moments apart, still, small, present peace and love, ever directing to His Word, to His will, to instruction, and all things of His goodness and righteousness...

...if the choice is between Him and others, then my lot is ever with Christ. And He knows it kills me, each time. With family, multiple times over, now. With friends, though I was no great loss from them--after making apparent my beliefs, disclosing to varied degrees of directness and with varied amounts of clarity the truth of sin, justice, redemption, and judgment...of truth...then to just disappear, ceasing prior attempts to maintain communication, ceasing to continue dialogues so many years already strained. No great loss to them. But I pray, still, that some read. And those who heard were impacted. At least one was, by grace. To ask where He is buried, having been unable to find out through research. 

And...alright, fine. Random, shared-post of Jesus Christ being the only God, the only way to heaven, first in oh, six months? And I'm not going to deactivate it again at the moment. Because. I really want to know if friend has continued to wonder where Jesus is and whether she's still talking to our other mutual friend about Jesus, too. 

Lord, things? 

Anyway. Still all over the place right now. 

This stuff He's been showing me about family things has been...absolutely mind-numbing and soul-crushing. Just in shock. How can be possible all interactions always are unwell, till now? That is like...a major Major-Thing. 

I feel like I'm learning how to be human, somehow. And not just...passively going along. Not just surviving and making do with what's on. Not just contriving to find means to "happiness" and "fulfillment." 

But learning how to rest in peace, love, joy, and contentment. How to be fulfilled in Christ, my God, by His Spirit. I don't even understand, really. But it is as just had come to mind--of being as I was created to be. Living more wholly according to my created purpose, having utterly defied it all my life until these past few years. And being very gradually led into what it means to be human, as created. 

That is just...  !!!

...words...

...fail...

...

...seriously. 

I keep remembering all the ways of things before, and seeing often some superficial semblance of what right order is, and yet inherently wrong. As only superficially similar in external appearance, all the while with a heart utterly devoid of love for God--the utmost characteristic of created order for humanity. To receive of and return His love. Even as familial, as it goes through Christ. As a beloved, righteous, gracious, kind parent. 
To a beloved, cherished, treasured, protected child. 

Order, though. Hierarchy. 

I really want Him to bring me closer again, to more fellowship with Him. Again and again, I've drifted. Each time, coming back has been different. Each time, a greater degree of trust in Him, a clearer picture of the fact of His keeping and drawing being the order by which "return" occurs. Rather, the process as clarification of who He is, testing of faith. Though as per temptations, falterings, failings, and confusions. And sufferings. 

Which, of Hebrews 5:8...apparently was of a term specifically connotative of emotional, deeply felt experience. Not rather of physical sufferings, which is what's generally considered the case in society. We epitomize the physical and minimize emotions to a point of near exclusion. Fearing them. Seeking to control and dominate and manipulate them rather than submitting them honestly before God and others, seeking help, clarification, sanctification. Not to rule them nor be ruled by them but to submit them to God, as part of the process of being a living sacrifice. 

He "desires truth in the innermost being." Not subterfuge and countermanding, attempting to oust or overthrow what seems undesirable and unconformed. But truth. 

Again and again, He's let me see the state of my heart--coldness, indifference, laziness, prone to dissembling for sake of "self-preservation," and so many things...but instead of allowing me to then attempt to change or deny the things, He's been so merciful as to have that not be a thought to cross my mind (possibly utterly opposed to the way things used to be), instead but to despair of what He's shown...in His direction, as "Lord!, look at this!, see the bleakness!, Father!, Help!, I can't do anything, but I can't live with this!"

And gradually, unbeknownst me, He works. And then makes it apparent some later time when circumstances manifest which evidence the work, wholly unexpected and a surprise to experience. Unto gratitude, rejoicing in His power and faithfulness. 

Like one instance of seeing a small dog, a small chubby dog usually neglected by family but who preferred my company...laying in the sun, next to me, so happy, so content, utterly at ease, replete. And in that instant, feeling nothing. Seeing her and knowing deeply that it was a very precious sight, and knowing she is utterly precious, but feeling nothing. Despairing of it, grieved deeply (to the extent then-possible). Pleading with the Lord for mercy, despairing of my state. 

And now, even remembering...my heart is warmed. I miss her. She was so sweet. She followed me everywhere, and she was so much in discomfort but never did anything except smile her doggy smile and try feebly to jump with her delight to see me. And her name was Grace, wasn't it? Gracie. I really dislike being so unattuned to names. 

My previous dog's name was Gracie. She wasn't with me very long. She needed a better home. 

And my last cats were Gizmo and Grace. 

Now, my car. As much as an inanimate object can have a name...is Grace. Gets me everywhere I need to be. The means by which I have ability to move. 

Anyway. I had lost the ability to feel so many things, but love especially. And it's still...well, it's been all sorts of overwhelming at times, of the Lord. But otherwise? It's still very newish? Not as though there weren't moments of experiencing love, before. Nieces. Family members. Others. But...not in context of knowing truth, in general. And of seeking righteousness. 

Seeking my Father's will. 

Which...my dad really didn't like it so much when I talked to him about what it was to seek the Lord and His will. I had no idea what I was actually talking about, except to just describe what had been going on for the months prior to the conversation...referencing even bits of Scripture which finally made sense, for the first ever. He looked at me like I'd grown a third head, or something. Made some passing comment about how I must be like Elijah, or something. Which...oh, but there's been a wealth of wretched temptations surrounding that bit of odd commentary. But, no. 

Walking with the Lord is just that. Walking as He walked. Abiding in Him. 

And that first year...it was utmost and absolute necessity to cut out distractions, or otherwise to be overwhelmed by all the varied and many temptations that were still so very near to be known by the flesh. Utterly wretched. Suicide was still one of the loudest. 

But cutting out anything that distracted from focus on the Lord, on Scripture, on His presence, on seeking Him...anything that dimmed awareness of truth, awareness of His presence particularly...had to go, even for fear of slipping. 

But also for utter need of Him. Still. 

I don't want to live a half-life only aware of His presence and the truth of who He is, Sundays or at odd intervals of random fellowship, betwixt times of actual worship and reverence. I want the Lord. I want Him a daily, continual friend. No matter what. 

Know, still, that I can't manage to keep myself focused, but He can and He's willing. So, that's enough. Trusting Him ever more wholeheartedly to do so, throwing myself all the more on His mercies even for having all the more deeply come to feel. 

Still a work in progress, but...He's good at what He does and He knows precisely what He's doing. The Master Physician. The Great Counselor. My Best Friend and Husband. 
I am His, first and foremost. Same as all, but devoted consciously to His keeping. He will do with me as He sees fit. And I am glad of that. 

Father, Your will be done. 
That's all. 

I have nothing apart from You. 
I want nothing beside You. 
Whom have I, else?

What You give is good. 
You know my needs. 
And You are their fulfillment. 

Though We Fail, He Prevails

Yeah. So the attacks continue. Unto one last night which tried to convince me that, since sin is not eradicated I may as well give up on seeking or waiting upon God's will and just admit to being every bit the wretch ever I was. Witchcraft, idolatries, rebellions of all sorts, and just general lasciviousness inclusive. Because why try. Because I just can't. Because it's not in me to be perfect. And because...oh, what were the other insinuations and reasonings proffered? Things about essence, where if ever there is an inclination to any sin, and especially if ever a temptation failed, then it should serve as indication there's been no change at core.

And for just a moment or two, I was overcome. Felt defeat. Felt to surrender and just give into believing all the things. But in the midst of that temptation, two things came to mind. And I can't quite remember which was first, now. One was of desire to attempt another conversation with one of my best friends from before, to again plead truth, to again discuss who Jesus is, who we are, what that means, what our need is. And it came down to remembering the last conversation, a year ago. Hearing all the things that were every bit so much of who I was and being shocked and grieved and simultaneously despairing and rejoicing. Shocked both because of horror at the lack of hope, the inclination to do all and sundry for a momentary peace, fleeting...but also simultaneously seeing much of who and how I was, realizing the disparity to now. Grieved also along these same lines, and despairing of the inability to cross that divide or to bring her across into the truth of Jesus's saving power and will to salvage what's been corrupted and lost in turning away from and against Him, against God. Grieved to know the desolation, to hear it, and yet to simultaneously be flagrantly confronted with unwillingness to even hear truth, let alone consider it. Despairing not to be in a position to force or compel conversion. But gratefully conceding to the Lord's sovereignty, as unto solemnly and silently giving great thanks for His mercy on me, while yet pleading with Him for her. Rejoicing in Him. While despairing of the distance evidenced.

And of particular, thoughts turned from remembrance of that to asking the Lord whether a different approach to the conversation might be permissible and fruitful. Of striving to establish the horror of rebellion by seeking to gain commiseration against the originator of lies. But being reminded very clearly that the only thing to be evidenced along that path would be truth of sympathy on that front. Unto further evidencing the fact of despising God by sympathizing with those most opposed, outright and as an evidence of solidarity. Rather than unto highlighting the horror of sin.

The whole of which was a ridiculous and utterly wretched consideration, of this lattermost. Unwillingness to consider the truth of God is conscious, concerted rebellion against His sovereignty. So there's nothing for it except He soften the heart and convert. Hating God is hating God, and apart from realizing the truth of how horrible sin is, in light of realizing the implications of His being perfectly good and loving and perfectly just...unto the realization that wrath is deserved and due...and realizing, further, that there's forgiveness through Christ, unto reconciliation, salvation, and conformity to God's will, through justice and mercy. By grace. Apart from that, what is there?

Coming to the Father through the Son. By His Holy Spirit

And I remember being unyielded. I remember despising Him. I remember resenting the truth of Jesus's sovereignty, and being surprised to be shown the vehemence. Appalled at how deeply I resented the truth of His sovereignty and what that means, of my life and my being. I am His. We all are. He created. He owns. Period.

And we'll all come to terms with that, here and now through Christ unto redemption, or hereafter as our rejection evidences judgment. Either way, we'll all bow. Period.

But I was very clearly shown, again, the divide there. And no matter how I might despair of myself and my sin, there's no life apart from Him. Period. Just isn't possible.

And secondarily, the peace of His presence became "loud" in the silence of my despair. And I was reminded I'm not alone. He is with me. And those in whom His Spirit dwells, with whom He has made a home, are His. And He made it very clear that nothing and no one can snatch us away. Period. He will bring every rebel power into subjection.

If I was capable of conquering sin...if any of us were, in our own strength and by our own inclinations...He would not need have done as He did. Entering humanity, overcoming temptations--all temptations such as we are ever tempted--being rejected, mocked, counted as afflicted by God, dying a sinner's death--enduring wrath reserved for all of us, entering even death. And overcoming it all. Resurrecting. He laid His life down and He picked it up again. He said He was given that. And He did it. Then went to be with the Father, sending His Holy Spirit to be with us all, until the end. Ever after, then.

Convicting of truth, righteousness, sin, and the wrath to come. Guiding, instructing, reminding, and giving us speech as He sees fit, even unbeknownst. Witnessing of our adoption as sons. A present assurance of our acceptance in Christ, before the Father. Bearing witness within of His identity to us and of our identity in Him.

And He reminded. So it's in His hands. He's capable.
And none of us are tempted except as what's common. Yet what's shown in the dark, we are to proclaim in the light. And comfort as we're comforted. So, there's all that.

This world is so strange. So many tricksy things. Every little bit, on all sides, seeks to distract from the kingdom. From the truth. But He reminds. And He keeps what's been committed to Him, to the end. He is the author and perfecter of our faith. And He completes the work He begins.

We can know this. He's made record and preserved it.
I am so grateful for His Word. For Him.

He will line me out. He is doing so. And will continue. And that's enough.
I don't need to understand. I don't have to do anything except rest in Him, trust Him, and keep my eyes on Christ, my redeemer and friend. He leads one step at a time, one act at a time, one moment at a time. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. And each moment in between, trusting Him for whatever comes.

Not because I'm capable, but because He is. And He's good. And kind. And loving. And disciplines those whom He loves, ever so mercifully. In God I trust, in whom I rest.

Whatever comes or goes. My Shepherd is good. Faithful. And He overcame. 

Songs: Bless the Lord, Empty My Hands, The Struggle, I Have This Hope, Here's My Heart

One Step at a Time, That's All

Coming through so many things right now. A place of further surrender and trust.

One thing the Lord has made increasingly vital over course of the past many months is that there comes a point where trusting Him is known and realized as the only actual option for proceeding. Up to a certain point of surrender--seeking His guidance and depending upon Him--there's still easy possibility of conjuring up ideas of "self-sufficiency" and "independent ability to perceive what's necessary."

Put another way, walking with Him--walking in surrender and dependence, needing His help for every step--past a point the waters are too deep except to just keep one's eyes on Jesus or otherwise completely be overwhelmed in the sea and by the waves. Walking with Him at the shoreline, comparatively, there's still a sense of security in self--there's awareness that if eyes are taken off of Christ, the depths are perhaps ankle or knee deep and possible to walk through without divine intervention. Which...is misguided, a misunderstanding of the state of the world's fallenness, at core.

Really, what's then "stood upon" is the delusions which previously held sway. Not a solid or steady foundation as "ground." But a return to the delusions rife in all the world--perhaps played out in varying ways, to varying degrees and per varied expression, yet fundamentally the same--arisen per perceived self-reliance apart from God. Worshipping the creature rather than Creator, given over to the delusions preferred.

Point being, whether walking with Jesus along the shoreline or upon the sea at its greatest depths, the only place of solidity and security and safety and direction is of keeping one's eyes and heart and mind focused on Him. Period.

Yet, He keeps us. Those who are His. He directs us in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Not as a public showing, either. But as a matter of His own integrity. He doesn't have to prove Himself in front of others. He has, already: He created this world and ordained its order and the generation of each and every one to ever exist. He is His own proof. Self-replete. We are the ones who aren't complete in and of ourselves. We're only complete as we're restored to right relationship with Him. And that, by the grace of Christ's work on the cross and resurrection, is a work He has ordained to be enacted over the course of each our lives as we walk with Him in and into eternity.

In, given that if we know Him we exist in Him--joined to Him spiritually, having died with Him on the cross. To know Him is to have eternal life. So we are seated with Him in heaven, even as we're still walking out our lives in the flesh here, too. Learning of Him, along the while. Learning trust, learning to rejoice in the midst of absolute turmoil and grief. Learning surrender in the midst of heartache and loss and devastation. Learning humility under the weight of misrepresentation, misunderstanding, and persecutions. Learning love and compassion along the while of being mistreated, abused, betrayed, and abandoned. Learning to live for Him, alone, in the midst of temptations on all sides to seek our own and to seek that which the world touts as utmost necessity to basic survival, or otherwise to die.

It's not a matter of giving up, though there is surrender to Christ and giving up in His direction. But it's a matter of learning to love Him, having come to love Him more than life and everything in this world. Just to long to love Him more. Trusting Him to direct, instruct, correct, guide, and provide whatever is necessary. Even as with Paul, who was without food, shelter, and even clothing at times, still recognizing the prosperity possessed in Christ and trusting Him to provide and direct to whatever is necessary at the times needed. Even as through work. Even as through receiving. Even as through unexpected provisions of goods and needs, by means which make sense only in context of realizing our God is the one who truly owns everything which exists. He may not call it all for collection at every moment of every day, but it is all His. Period.

So wading through, now, ankle deep but kept aloft by His love. Confusions still swim around me, but I know my God will restore me to where He would have me be. And I will wait upon His mercies, though I still flail a bit and flounder. Except that He holds me suspended, still, I'd have many times had the waters come and stay above my head. Though my gaze wanders, then, seeking purchase in the midst of circumstances which are beyond anything I can handle solitarily--battles within, difficulties surrounding, and so much which is unknown and painful--yet, still, He grasps my hand and pulls me back from sinking entirely. He is with us in the storm. Even if He comes walking alongside and somewhat veiled in the midst of the fog, still He's there. Always. Bidding us come, walk with Him. One step at a time. Just onward.

Trust Under Fire

Just going to trust the Lord. And if I have to remember that, consciously, and state it aloud continually as part of the process, from here until departing this mortal frame...so be it, if that's what it takes. Because anxiety gets so loud, trying to usurp acknowledgement of who God is. He rules. Literally. He presides. He is sovereign, all-powerful, majestic Creator and Sustainer of the entirety of all which is. My Jesus is to be feared and worshipped. And He is good. And He loves me. And He keeps me. And He is faithful to keep me, to direct me, to deliver me, and to instruct me. He gives me what I need, even when what I need is to lack comfort and wellness and other things which I want, just so as to be drawn nearer to Him. Howsoever goes. 

He knows my needs better than I do. Period. And I trust Him. 

I'm scared and confused and feeling so many things that utterly terrify me, quite frankly. But He knows every bit of it and I trust Him. And that's that. 

So although I fear, I will continue to trust in Him and will trust Him to silence my fears. I do believe, and I trust Him to help my unbelief what lingers as to allow room for anxieties and doubts to gain any foothold. 

For a moment tonight, though, on the way home...He allowed me to realize how much differently the same fears of a year ago sit, now. There's a security in Him and a knowledge of Him which is louder than those fears, by a much greater margin now. It's not that fears aren't still attempting to completely overwhelm, but He's let me live in situations where I've been utterly overwhelmed, utterly overcome, absolutely incapable, completely devastated, totally terrified, and despondent...again and again, to increasing degree of severity, for the past three years. And each time surrendering the fears, the abject incapacitation, the utter incapabilities, and sheer lack of strength, heart, will, and mind to even so much as move (out of bed, to work, to whatever)...each time, He's lifted my head ever so tenderly and led me so very gently forward. So very gently done. Even without my then-present realization of ever beginning to move, to act, to speak, to go forward. Yet, He has done it. Again and again. And is doing it now. 

So these fears: All the vast dark world pressing in from all sides, and all the strangeness yet within and from without seeking hold to gain rule over my heart, and the grief of witnessing such brokenness in the world, and the terror of realizing depravity and delusions abounding (even amplified to realize myself once thusly enthralled, alongside)...

...and it is all utterly and completely and totally incapacitating. But He's walked me through incapacitation so often (like...every day since I've known Him, to varying degrees of awareness of the severity of my condition as sin-sickened human, yet forgiven, serving God in a broken, hostile world)...it's not as large. In comparison to Him, I mean. In comparison to me...it's still like an ant staring down Saturn. But the One in whom all things consist holds me. He's much bigger, much stronger, much more capable, and He's perfectly good, and He loves me. Unflinchingly. Unfailingly. Unfalteringly. Eternally. So I'm safe. Whatever "gets through" to me is only because He's allowed it to do so for particular reasons which are good. 

And in the midst of looking at some of what may come, in terms of ongoing heartbreak and devastation...then, still: I trust Him and I will trust Him. He gives me strength to do so. He has given me ability to do so, by revealing Himself faithful and good and loving and kind. He has given me desire to do so, by continually changing my heart. 

So, that's enough. Though I may despair of life again, for the depths of pain...again and again these past few years, He's shown me that in those moments He carries me. Because I can't even move at those points. He's carrying me now, or I wouldn't be able to praise Him. He is so kind to greet me in the mornings, lift my head all the day, and speak peace to my spirit in the midst of utter turmoil and grief. I love Christ beyond words. He is my reason for living. I don't want to live, except for loving Him. 

I despaired of that reality, the first while of finding such peace and hope and love and purpose in Him. Thinking it must not be good to be so dependent on Him for the will to live. Thinking at some point, He'd step back and let me fall flat on my face without sustaining me with His Presence as to continue affording the desire to live, outright. I was so afraid He would let me fall, because it was necessary to find my own strength and will to live. Because I thought it surely must be an expectation that I needed to attain to a position of self-sufficiency and not rely on Him for absolutely everything in order just to function with a bare semblance of normalcy. The depths of my despair and despondency are so great, except that He satisfies each with fulfillment, joy, peace, and love in Himself. But I used to think He wouldn't want me to be so dependent on Him. 

I'm glad I was wrong. Because the more I've come to know Him, find strength in Him, and depend upon Him, the more I've come to need Him and be dependent upon Him for even far more than I'd conceived as being my need. So if He weren't faithful, if He weren't good, if He weren't loving, if He weren't long-suffering, patient, and kind toward me...I would be and would have been utterly destroyed so many times over, already, again. Only crushed beyond anything I'd ever previously known. Because the depth of devastation seems always to deepen with the depth of trust, the depth of love, the depth of hope, the extent of belief. And the more I've come to know Him, the more I've come to trust, love, hope in, and believe in Him. So that everything I am is wrapped up in Him, in trusting, loving, hoping, and believing in and upon Him. No one else is capable of even remotely approaching ability to provide for these needs. Christ, alone. 

That is what scares me so much of people, is the tendency to begin to trust, love, hope, and depend upon others to apparent degrees. And I don't know what is right and what isn't--I don't have good examples, and I don't understand what I read in Scripture of how these things work. Or maybe it's all always broken, given the "bear with one another in love." I don't know. And it scares me. I don't want to compromise anything of my relationship with Jesus, at all. Period. But I don't know how to be close to others, either. 
He will help. I know He will. Because He loves me. And because He doesn't intend for me to live in isolation. Apparently. Surprisingly. 

So, I'm scared. But I trust Him. And I will trust Him. And...that's all. 

And now...I'm exhausted. A few more minutes awake with Him, then sleep. 

Temptations and Grace

Things are still strange. Been enduring utterly absurd temptations. Concurrently being regularly assaulted by fears, anxieties, and attempts to get bitterness to root in my heart. Still grieving so many things, and it seems like something unexpected further breaks every week. I can't even remember each of the things from the past couple months, anymore, there's been such an onslaught. One thing right after another. And direct attacks don't help, thus the more to grieve, crying mercy.

Everybody...all of us...we're so ravaged by sin. It abounds. How much a mercy it is that grace much more abounds.

The newest and most absurd (yet, perhaps) in the list of recent temptations was yesterday. Talking about my relationship with Jesus and how He keeps me and corrects me and comforts me and provides and how He's shown Himself so faithful (as He has said He is, in His word) time and time again. And getting response from one of Mormon religion in like kind, regarding his god's faithfulness and miraculous provisions. And it became very clear for an instant, the spiritual reality of that other faith.

We're so quick to discount spiritual reality as a constant thing, a present thing, an ever-present aspect of daily life. But it's no less real. Otherwise, the God of all the universe wouldn't be as He says He is, in His direct and immediate accessibility and intervention, as a God who is near and faithful and who preserves and leads us and protects us and shelters and shields (even if not in the ways we want). There's a really weird disconnect in the western world on that point, and so much so in the church, even. That duality of thought which both believes and is incredulous.

But for an instant, I saw the reality and the impact of the religion and was tempted toward it (because that was the obvious intent, especially, but I didn't at all expect to be tempted because the whole deal is so patently against God). The Lord was so gracious as to bring to mind Scripture which set the whole at bay. But it was a very fearful moment. To even see the temptation. To draw back in revulsion, in the midst, while it still attempted to entice. And to cling to Scripture, cling to the Lord. And pray for help in being very clear in speaking adamantly to the strength of my conviction for the Truth.

Still praying about speaking with another church elder, and that whole ordeal and much of the core of grief in regard to observations granted by the Lord...well, there's nothing but to continue to pray and move in that direction, even as to email, when the Lord so gives. When and if, as He leads.

Same as all the things.

And I have been so conflicted over so many things, in the midst of all the onslaught.

Just so many utterly and equally absurd and horrific temptations, the past brief while. Clinging to the Lord. The one prior to the mormonism was temptation to again visit the previous church. No small amount of terror even linked to that thought, as temptation too. But I don't so much fear them now as just...fear to fall prey to the same delusions. All the more to be utterly confounded to even have those thoughts come to mind. I'd rather pry off a couple fingernails. It would be less painful and less scarring, on the whole. And would heal more quickly.

Or...to put more directly--it would make more sense to pry off a couple fingernails than to go to that church again. Would make a lot more sense. Just to clarify the extent of the absurdity of the temptations.

Similarly, of the mormonism temptation, I'd be better served to severe a hand. Makes much more sense. Literally. Though still a bit too conservative to do justice to the actual extent of severity of the situation.

So to see and experience those temptations has been like battling to retain hold on reality, in a sense. Battling to remain aware of the truth of who Jesus is, in general and to me, specifically.

Before the temptation to go to CCR was temptation to turn to family and recant all things regarding Scripture and revert to pretending there aren't active abuses and madness and...so much which is unwell. Similarly disconcerting, though more subtle and sly than the temptation to go to CCR. Abuse with family was much longer-standing so that much more an ingrained expectation and acceptance. A much longer period of believing acceptable the things and lack of principle on my own part.

Not to say I do great with resting in Christ now. But He's my keeper, so He's molding and teaching and conforming. I'm just grateful.

Tempted to do so many things. And I gave in to some, even. Just of anxiety, especially, and various other things which are likewise odd. The temptation to fear is still so compelling. But I was reminded again, yesterday, that it's not about me or anything I might want or do...it's about God's love for me and His grace toward me, all through Christ. Just remembering His love. Staying there.

These things the past while have been utterly odd. Strange beyond strange. 

The Lord has been spending time on clarifying that temptation isn't sin, too. That's been such a huge pitfall into shame, guilt, and condemnation. But He was tempted in all ways. Without sin. In all ways, though, as humans are. That is intimidating beyond comprehension. But it's also such a point of hope. Not only did He love us all enough to endure, but His steadfast love of the Father overcame temptation. And through Him, we can overcome. He does present ways of escape. And more than anything, He is the escape.

Got schooled last night, though, on things of that nature. Part of faltering has been into moralistic and apparent obedience rather than being desired (and manifested) out of love for Him, as result of realizing, reflecting upon, and receiving His love. Been tossed about a good deal lately by various things said by others, with good intentions perhaps, and of being concerned for appearances sake what others might think of my "walk." None of which is obedience, but only further defiance.

What minor bit from Luther's writings considered last night made it seem he was very clear on that point, so it's not just my interpretation. Resting in the knowledge of His love and being changed by awareness of His manifest grace and acceptance is where life exists. Not in the law. Not in self. In God, alone. And Luther's point was that anything which is thought, felt, enacted, or otherwise existent in a person which isn't focused and rooted in remembrance of God's acceptance, love, and grace toward us...is centered elsewhere, thus is idolatrous. Because attempting anything which isn't come out of remembering and resting in the secure knowledge we're made acceptable in Christ and adopted of God through Him, thus also centered in a secure and constant remembrance of His love...is rooted in something other than truth. As goes obedience, specifically, but likewise of life in general, then.

And I'd almost forgotten the temptation to Calvinism last night, too--to revere him as a god amongst men, moreover, as seems the case. That was similarly disconcerting.

So glad I'm done. So glad it is finished.

Acknowledgments

I've gotten a lot of flack, including insinuations that I'm not actually saved, in regard to things presented in the last post on the main blog (well, not only in regard to that...but particularly in regard to it). Everything comes down to the truth that we all have to work out our own salvation, being individually accountable before God for what we think and do. If our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God. And yet, unless He conforms our hearts to Himself, our hearts are full of darkness only.

His peace is to rule in our hearts, casting down every thought that would exalt itself against Him and knowledge of Him. We are to love.

There have been some deeply strange things going on, lately. Odd bits which have been constant onslaught of assault that had never tried me before. And misunderstandings on all sides. And suspicions, even within. And contentions, of which I've been party. And much whispering, self included. And I really want to be out of the midst of it all, and it seems as though...through particular of the misapprehensions and suspicions, that may be the case. Which is simultaneously heart-breaking and relieving.

Some really strange things have been attempted, though, and I want none of it. I love those whom the Lord has let me be alongside, but things on all sides have been really, seriously strange for the past little while. Ceasing to look continually to Christ but rather beginning to hope for things of life and family and fellowship...really proves a snare. And as convoluted as things are, now, then it's still better everything is at such condition as I'm again safe, thus seeking Christ. With so much strangeness all around, still. But such is the state of the world and each our states except to rely on Him. Prayer continues.

Including regarding living arrangements. This place where I am...there's not peace remaining here. I've tried to "rationalize" why and that's only resulted in a bunch of sin, making statements regarding circumstances and people. Similarly, giving reasons for where to leave to...if I get trapped in attempting to justify things apart from seeking the Lord to direct...will be more sin. There are two known potential options. Not to mention however many unknown options. But...however He leads. Trying to do "pros" and "cons" lists would result in having even less clarity, at this point. Trying to search Scripture about the things...except that He lead the search is going to result in a "spiritualized" pros and cons. Because ultimately, however He leads. Not emotion. If emotion were to lead, I'd go hide somewhere at this point and just never open my mouth again. That would be so much simpler, so much easier. So much less difficulty. 

Some things of late which have been especially trying regard condemnation and guilt and shame over life before and more recently over the state of my relationship with Christ, now. And I'm going to share some thoughts along these lines because I'm sick of being dogged by these things again and again. Life now is not life before. I am not sinless, except in Christ. I am not perfect, except in Christ. He imputed His righteousness to me, taking the penalty for my deserved condemnation. He bore my condemnation, my guilt, and my shame.

So the things which still try to tell me I'm filthy and wretched and worthless and should be ashamed even to speak, let alone to walk into and sit amongst and fellowship with the church...those things are all liars, regardless from whence or by whom they speak.

Yes, sin is utterly horrid and worthy all condemnation. It's atrocious and an absolute abomination against creation, as being committed against the sovereign, infinitely good Creator. Thus all the more an abomination against Him. Due punishment. Worthy of wrath. Eternal wrath, for an infinite offense. Each and every so-called small sin. Even ever having had a thought of envy, or of self-serving, or of having told a "white lie" to "save someone's feelings" or make a situation less uncomfortable. Each and every one is infinite atrocity. Against a perfectly good, perfectly loving, perfection righteous Creator who's intimately concerned with and involved in our every thought, act, and instance of existing. He created each and every one of us, intentionally. 

He created us each with great love toward us, each and every one, as His Word attests over and over again. So anyone who views otherwise also errs against Him, still.

Defying Him by acting as though apart from Him is wretched, alone.

And I did all those things, myself, before acknowledging the truth of my guilt and seeking forgiveness and acknowledging the truth of Jesus being my sovereign Master. The Lord knows our hearts, intimately. He knows my heart--every dark and stormy and stony part of it yet in need of conformation to His will. The work of sanctification, ongoing. Conformation and putting to death whatever is not like Him, transformed from image to image. And just as much as He knows what is in my heart, He knows what's not in it and knows the work He's already done--so much of which is beyond my comprehension as so unexpected, unfathomable: It's one thing to read of His work in Scripture, but so much beyond what can be stated in mere word to experience His salvation. Like as attempting to explain a rainbow to someone who has only known cloudy skies, but then they see one.

Regarding so much of the condemnation, there's remembrance with human disgust, despair, fear, and shame how much and how devastatingly every bit of abuse handed out upon me and per me went...mental and emotional effects linger, still, except that the Lord has been healing.

As goes public acknowledgement, though, because I'm sick of being dogged by all the shame and condemnation and guilt unto restraint from being simply honest about these things: I can't help what's been done to me. I can't change what bits I complied with--like being too terrified to refuse a parent. And being too terrified to tell a grandparent no multiple times. Or being too afraid, thereafter, to tell the others no when they insisted on doing things which made me uncomfortable and disgusted and afraid. Nor of the things I endured with others who wanted to use me.

I can't change those things, not even that the lattermost entailed situations which I later entered with similar intent to use others, as learned to do likewise. And I can't change the heart that was so broken and pitted and contorted over the course--deluded unto belief that touch is love and pain, and that lust is love. All combined to establish a very convoluted view and experience of love. Especially having eventually come to view physical pleasure as the primary reason for living, with all else seeming void and hollow and empty but for those few moments which ensured at least some distraction from otherwise despair and pain. I can't change having been so deluded and deceived regarding what true pleasure and true love are.

I can't change growing up in a house where pornography was readily available and accessible. I can't change becoming addicted to it as a toddler. I can't undo that and the ravages it's left on my heart and mind. Even unto continuing to allow room for temptation to still view people as objects and view sensuality as God-given beauty or to look for beauty as such rather than seeing God's image alone. I can't change that.

I can't change the resulting thus-convoluted and further broken view of love as additionally distorted by feasting on fairy-tales and Disney romances, and ultimately Harlequin and the-like of "adult" romance novels. I can't change that I aspired to have that sort of love, whatever the cost. I can't change that I tried to find it, time and again--going out of the way to find someone, anyone who expressed interest sufficient to be noticeable through the haze of self-loathing (which is pride). Can't change that I accepted being conformed to whatever was set forth as an expectation, giving in so to be acceptable. Can't change that I lived so many false romances, giving myself to many under unconscious false pretenses from all sides. I can't change that I was so deceived as to think acceptable this method of gaining companionship, according to the world's precepts for so-doing.

I can't change that I defied God's word on the sanctity and holiness of marriage, the holiness of love, and even regarding how precious and to be protected is innocence.

My innocence was marred nearly as soon as I could walk. And it was entirely downhill from that point until just over three years ago, with one final assault (hoping and praying the last assault) on Christmas Eve.

But then, three years ago somewhat precisely...to be delivered into grace. I can't change the things I've done, who I've been, the state of my heart and my mind, or what's been done to me. But Christ has changed me.

And He's been changing my heart. And cleansing my mind, even--ever with time in Scripture and meditating on Him and His word. But it's Him. He does the work. His Holy Spirit.

No amount of cognitive behavioural therapy was able to help me, before--it just rearranged the furniture, so to speak, without changing the state or presence of anything. But He can and has and does change my heart and my mind. And whatever weird sorts of assaults there are, I persist in remembering how He's delivered me before, and know He will do so again. I will keep seeking Him. 

Although I can't change the past or even that state of my heart which still awaits so much conformation, I see where He's brought me from. And I can recognize so much of what used to be a part of me--matters once so integral, so ingrained, and to such extent as to afford no space for ability to reflect. I used to think all the ways and things I was doing were useful and normal and decent, if not great--but according to the world's standards.

I considered myself pretty principled. Despite continually adjusting principles to suit circumstances.

But having God's Word as guide and His Spirit to interpret shows plainly that principles aren't self-determined. They're His, and He's the one who created us to exist in such a way as that those principles describe our "wellness guide." In a sense.

Because apart from Christ, apart from surrender to Him and acknowledgement of Him as Lord, being guided by His Holy Spirit...the Scriptures as a guide only equate to another "rule book." Whereby we can hope that we'll do things well enough that we'll get by, as long as we hit the "major points." Even convincing ourselves we are aware of and love His sovereignty, because it's part of the prescription. He's the One who does the work, though, or it's not done.

He says He will, if we trust Him. Coming to God through Christ Jesus. Only He knows the actual state of our hearts toward Him, though. We're capable of such self-deception it's absurd--He recorded that we worship the created rather than the Creator and He gives us over to deception. Surrenders us to it, is how that's always come across. As though He's actively restraining us from deception, but He eventually allows us to have what we're desiring. Desiring instead of Him.

We each have to have it out with Him, though. We're all going to come face-to-face with Him. Period. We won't be able to hide behind excuses or anything. We can't already, really. Like a toddler who lies about having done something you watched them do while they were aware you were watching. You know they did it. They know you know. But they still refuse to own up. Judgment day for each of us is going to be that day when there's nothing but blatant honesty. No hiding behind pretense. No hiding behind our own attempts at righteousness. Either we'll be found in Christ, or we'll be consumed.

Turning to Him continually is the thing. Trusting Him continually. Not a seeking to do right by Him, though He does call us to walk in a manner worthy. But we can't unless He empowers. External conformity isn't what's the issue, though it is something that comes about as the heart is conformed. From the inside out, though.

All through the new testament, there are pleas to turn to Him, return to Him, put away and put off the old deeds. And but by His grace, I'm hoping and trusting in Him for continued deliverance and direction. There's no one else to turn to. No one else can change my heart. He has, and He promises to continue the work He began, unto completion.