When All Else Fails, Christ Never Will

There are times when darkness seems so vast. So encompassing.

Times when that which is oppressively opposed to the truth of the Lord seems to be closing in, on all sides--to crush, consume, and destroy...

Times, also, when even my own heart and mind seem bent upon betraying love of the Lord--every thought and desire seeming utterly convoluted, as though intent upon diverting from both retention and pursuit of holiness...destroying from within--calling all which is true and holy into question...
Along such lines as: "Surely truth is relative. And if truth is relative, then what does any sort of exaltation of one truth above any other equate to, except a sort of moralizing judmentalism?...and what purpose does that even serve--except perhaps constituting some surely-pretentious exercise in what could only be considered self-exaltation?"

There are times, then...when I despair that I may become so shaken as to turn away from the Lord... Unto sin. Unto the domain of darkness, once again. Unto death. As in: "It's all relative, anyway--right?"

At times, when this all seems to be the case--my every act and word seems baseless, seems unfounded, seems even sometimes corrupt and profane, just for being proposed to counter those notions of demoralizing relativity. Sometimes it seems best, then, to revert to silence...all while clinging to remembering the Lord.

And there's much prayer, prior to acting along such lines--of times when circumstances have been personally dire, conviction has persisted to speak up for conscience's sake--again and again, I ultimately find myself at a loss to defend myself for even doing so. I again find myself unable to defend both to myself and then also to those who interpret my actions and ideas in ways which deviate so completely from initial, prayerful discussions of concerns. All while knowing I never go about such things perfectly, at all--which makes such situations all the more prayerful and heart-breaking.

All the more, now--enduring what seems an extended and more expansive period of going back and forth between these varied aspects of encountering darkness...and, especially encountering this lattermost on a larger scale--where sometimes people openly denounce actions and speech (though, at present, this is still not being done as openly as could be the case, as perhaps will eventually again become the case)...

...all the more, now...I only know to cast myself on the mercy of God.
While remembering who He is.
And remembering who I am, in light of that greater reality. 

He is good. 

He is faithful. 

He is merciful.

He is kind.

He is forgiving.

He is love.

He is holy.

He is just.

His wrath is on sin.

His will is done in all the earth.

He will by no means clear the guilty.

He will avenge Himself, including injustices and grievances committed one man against another.

He came in the flesh to reiterate these truths and so many likewise.

He was despised, rejected, counted as smitten by God.

He was numbered amongst the transgressors.

He was crucified, becoming a curse.

He bore the sins of the world, in His crucifixion and death.

He died, and in that He did...all died.

He resurrected, that we may have life in Him.

All have sinned. All have gone astray. None seek God. None do righteousness.

All our righteousness is as filthy rags, before our holy and just God. 

Christ, alone, lived a sinless life. He alone, among all mankind, is righteous.

He is God, incarnate. Born of woman, Son of God. 

I have sinned. I deserve His wrath. Completely.

I deserve eternal punishment. Completely. Irrevocably.

It would be righteous on His part for God to set me in my place in the lake of eternal fire.

In Christ, alone, I have forgiveness. 

In Christ, alone, my sins have been atoned for.

In Christ, alone, I can simultaneously become more deeply aware of the absolute wretchedness of my sins--being driven to greater grief and despair and horror, in light of more deeply realizing the reality of what it is to sin against God, and to sin against those He loves, becoming also more deeply humbled by realization of my utter, wholehearted guilt which continually drives me to Christ, shamefacedly pleading for mercy--while being more deeply devastated by the encompassing glory of His love and forgiveness.

And I can accept I have no justification for myself. Only Christ is my justification. Period.

And I can know this does not excuse evil-doing, does not excuse sin. And His indwelling presence provides hope that I will not continue in sin, indefinitely. He will continue to give strength, to grant repentance, to provide a means of escaping temptation.

And with deep lamentation over the horror of continuing to sin, I can still find some measure of grief-stricken relief in knowing that He will have mercy...even to redeem the depravity of actions in defiance of Him and others. While still needing to confess and seek forgiveness, all the while. 

And so He redeems, despite me...making all things work to the good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. So, I will not rejoice in my own perceived goodness--knowing whatever there is which is good in me, is there by His mercies and not per my own striving--so I only rejoice in His grace and mercy toward me and others. 

I can continually surrender, then, presenting myself a living sacrifice to Him--as is only right and proper, suitable action, unto the One who is my sovereign and redeemer. 

And I can trust Him in any darkness--though I may walk haltingly as though blind. Though I may fear at any moment to falter fully or to fall--fearing to dishonor Him and make a byword of His name (not as when honoring Him, when those who despise Him use any cause to mock both Him and those who love Him and follow Him...but fearing to bring mockery by my own disservice to His good name).

Though fearing to falter in the darkness, I will still walk by the light of His love and the desire to honor Him and others--though I again and again despair of how imperfect and incomplete is my own...

I then must look to Him--the author and perfecter of my faith--knowing I am insufficient for all tasks at-hand. I must look to Jesus, who has gone before me, entering into the veil, who remains steadfast as my anchor. I must look to Him, who did not falter even though the darkness pierced Him with nails, affixing Him to that horrid, glorious cross...on my behalf...in my place..

I must look to Him, whose love did not falter, even being crucified. Who, instead, cried out for mercy on the very ones--even all of us--who crucified Him. By our sin, by our defiance, by our love of the darkness. 

Thusly looking unto Jesus--though the darkness surrounds me and seeks to entreat and consume and suffuse and overwhelm and mock and crush and devastate and destroy...by any means--still, I will look unto Him...

And I will love Him, all the more. Him, who first loved me. Who gave His life for me--even me.

So, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear.

For, to Him--darkness is as light. He has overcome the world. And He is with me.

Though I may not see the path afar off, He will guide my steps.

And when I do fall. I will get back up. And His guidance will continue: A voice, saying this is the way--walk in it...turning me to the right, or to the left. 

And I will trust Him. Him, the One who has delivered my soul from death, hell, and the grave. The One who has given me new life and the light of hope to bear along the way.

Him--whom I love, though I have not yet seen.

I will look to Him.

And He will never leave nor forsake me.

And though I am faithless, He is faithful. For He will not deny Himself.

And He will complete the work which He had begun.

And He is preparing a place for us. That where He is, we may be also.

That we may behold His glory.

For every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess...Jesus Christ is Lord. 

These are the things which I need, to survive the onslaught.
I need to be in His Word. Continually.
I need His Word to live in my heart and mind. Moment by moment putting all things into subjection to the truth of Christ. That I may be still, knowing He is God.

And I need to pray. I need to give thanks. With song.
And I need to love Him and others, as He has loved me. Laying down my life, day to day.

Yet except that He be merciful and give grace, by His Spirit, to empower the pursuit of each of these, according to truth and not some carnal flight of fancy? I know I am inept and incapable.

For my best efforts according to the flesh would and do only amount to further defiance against Him. Except that He is merciful to intervene, consistently--to redirect to Himself, to redirect to truth.

And so His Word reminds me of Him and my need of Him. And His Word reproves, and corrects, and encourages, and builds up, and sanctifies. I need His Words. I need Christ, Himself. I need to know Him and to know of Him--to have my mind continually renewed and washed in the pure water of His Word. And even cleansed by the fear of the Lord, which is clean. Holy. And to spend time with Him, in prayer and the fellowship of His Spirit. Even amongst the brethren.

The Lord be with you, wherever you are.
We are battling, here, in this world. Christ Jesus came, and the lines were drawn distinctly.
Though there is continually an attempt to erase those lines--now, same as ever has been--truth is unassailable.

God is true. Though every one of us be liars.

If are to grow to the measure of maturity--our discernment exercised as to know between that which is good and evil--we must know Christ, Himself. This comes by His Spirit, as we call out to Him for mercy, continually dwelling in His Word, walking by the light of our faith in God--knowing Him, trusting Him, resting in Him, our every thought and pursuit increasingly fixed on Jesus Christ, Himself. All of which is a work of the Lord, indeed: Set apart for Him. By Him: Working in us the will and the ability to do His will.

That we would evermore be testing all things, to see if they are of God.

Entering His rest, we have the peace He has given us in Christ--not a peace as the world gives. Though the storm rages. Though we are destroyed. Though our very lives are taken.

Still, we may be still--resting in Him and trusting Him. Because we know Him and are able to reflect upon the reality of who He is in the midst of it all.

He is present with us. May His Word abide in us richly.

I am reminded that every time I have encountered death--thinking of those instances, particularly, which were unexpected--His mercy has been exceedingly unexpected and great. His peace has consumed the fear which accompanies entering that moment. And also eclipsed the pain. And after coming back to life, what pain remained as a result of the instances with injury...was endurable, by His grace.

He will give grace as necessary, in each moment. Whatever we face.

Though Death, Satan, all the Legions of hell: Whatever we face, God is greater.
Always has been. Always will be.

Submitting to Him, then, we overcome and may remain in his rest:
His name is a strong tower. He is our refuge, our shield and defender.

Submitting to Him, humbly acknowledging our abject insufficiencies--trusting the outcome will be according to His will, whatever it be...no matter the pain, incapacitation, fear, death...

...even loving--with an absolute abandon--foremost in the direction of the Lord, then unto others, thereby...trusting Him with all the pieces of our shattering hearts and lives, however they may fall: Entrusting Him with our entire heart, yes--our whole being, with all we are--for knowing He is worthy, knowing He is trustworthy: Knowing all this, living all this...for knowing Him...

...Our rest will thus ever be in Him, in the midst of any darkness.
No matter how deep the darkness. His love is deeper still.

(Betsie Ten Boom, "There is no pit so deep, that God's love is not deeper still.")

So may we forge onward, grabbing hands along the way with one another and others with whom we plead--that they would seek the light of Christ, which we know and follow. Though we may not see His light fully, all the while. Whatever it costs, may we press on. Even for just one, beloved. For the love of Christ, for the love of those others for whom He died (for whom He now also lives).

John 15:13-19 

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you. Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you. These things I command you, that ye love one another. 

If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you. If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.

Dear Lord, guard us and guide us. By Your Almighty hand, Father, keep us from evil. Deliver us from temptation. Let us love, purely and completely as You have done. Purify us, Father, by Your Word. Purify us, by Your Spirit. Lord, give us strength to follow with boldness and clarity of speech and heart, no matter what assails. Help us to honor You with our thoughts, hearts and lives. And Lord, forgive us for stumbling. Over ourselves and others. Lord, forgive us for failing You again and again. Cleanse us. Search our hearts and minds and reveal whatever wicked ways are in us, and deliver us Lord. Into Your hands we commit ourselves. Help us honor You with discerning, bold speech, that we would share the Gospel--the power of salvation--to all those with whom You would give the grace so to do. Lord, help us. And send many more, also, to share Your Gospel of grace, in Christ Jesus. Amen.

Truth: Reality of Eternal Consequence

So much in my present reality has had to do with the very nature and fabric of truth. As even of whether it exists. And whether anyone is "entitled" to claim their own perception of truth as being more valid than another's. And if so, by what means--according to which distinctions? What makes truth true? And if there is absolute truth, why or how does that even matter? And should it matter? Why?

And how do you know truth? How do you discern one truth as being distinctly different than any other purported truth? And, again--why even do so?

Is there such a thing as being right? And what entitles any given stance that force of insistence as being preeminent and prevalent? For claiming to be right wholly entails distinguishing opposing interpretations or views or beliefs or acts as wrong.

Truth divides according to that very principle--that which is in opposition cannot also be true.

The finer points of distinction are what have comprised the more devastating and difficult of interactions: As with a pilot whose trajectory is off course by a quarter-degree only, still he will not arrive at the intended destination upon flying hours in such direction.

Some larger matters of deviation from truth are easier to discern, for so rapidly and obviously leading to shipwreck of faith (to a deviation from and overturn of recognition of God and His Word, thus defying the Gospel). For instance, twice within the past few months, I've encountered folks who are knee deep and content to claim as "true" some deviant beliefs which (when followed to marginally further logical conclusions) entail discounting the entire New Testament.

Both these conversations have entailed variations on "Hebrew-roots"/"Sacred name" ideologies--these are not really disconnected from one another, as ideologies go. They constitute just one fraction of the numerous demonic doctrines which are prevalent in the world and which manifest and spread just per fixation on certain verses of Scripture to the exclusion of the whole of God's Word: Without need for "external" influence, apart from a driving fixation which is not imparted by God's Holy Spirit.

I had very nearly been consumed by the Hebrew Roots deviance at almost the outset of coming to know Jesus, so am fairly familiar--had gone in some directions even almost to the Sacred Name sect. All arising from a misguided impulse to want to please Him more completely and distinguish myself to Him, by having laws to obey which would "allow" these things. It's very tempting to the flesh--wanting to be more accepted to God by my own works?, rather than wholly resting with and humbling content to know that we're "accepted and acceptable in the Beloved?" Such things are especially tempting when there's also a notion of attaining a sort of higher knowledge of His ways than "most people," too--such that there's a luring pretense of potential for continually deeper, richer, more hidden stores of knowledge which will further and further esteem self above others, though with God, the further one goes in pursuing such matters. Elijah was a man of like passions as we are. Doesn't exalt us, to reflect on this. Doesn't debase him. But that makes it clear none of us is able to be any higher than another, by strivings according to our intellect and abilities. What was treasured of God was the humble, the ones who sought Him and believed Him. Not those who sought to build themselves up in the eyes of others and Himself, as though we could be profitable servants to the One who sustains our very life.

I don't remember precisely how the Lord delivered me from Hebrew Roots notions, except I know it had to do with the Gospel. Because that always constitutes the dividing point between delusion and reality, between error and correction. Jesus paid my debt. He reigns. I love Him dearly, though I once hated Him. I owe Him my all. And I long to give Him my all. But...this means becoming ever more surrendered to the reality of the righteousness of God's wrath against my sin and the incomprehensible mercy extended to me through the cross...even more humbled by the reality of who I am and who God is, and the reality that I could never approach Him nor would ever dare do so...except that He has made a way for me to be forgiven by the atonement come through Christ's self-sacrifice. And I can rest ever more completely assured of knowing He is true to His Word and will deliver even me, as I am led to walk in the light of reality more wholeheartedly--when I reflect upon the reality of Jesus's resurrection, and the truths regarding Himself and His will in His Word. To know that He reigns, still, yields peace. And we can know, too, that He will assuredly also accomplish all other things which He has said, as well as what He has already accomplished.

But again--of those false doctrines noted: one regarding a particular twist on "Sacred Name"-things, the other of "Hebrew Roots"--the thing which both recent proponents of these false doctrines failed to realize is that the natural end of their purportedly Christian beliefs requires that the New Testament Scriptures ultimately all be excluded as false. Which is problematic, period: Dismantling God's Word is...what Satan has done from the beginning, as it were. And one cannot claim demonic inspiration for parts of the New Testament without likewise condemning the while, which is ultimately claiming the same of God.

 So, to further specify--to make an argument that the Greek word for Jesus's name is not a transliteration of His Hebrew name (which is the case)...but instead is a reference to pagan idols--saying that the texts were corrupted and "Jesus" is actually a demonic being/pagan idol who is thus not actually God (not as He's presented in the Greek texts, at least)--further, claiming that only calling Him by His "true name" is correct or otherwise you're worshipping a false God--entails that all the Greek texts simply must be corrupt, since they all transliterate His Hebrew name in the same way as is then (later) transliterated to our English "Jesus:" Claiming the very name and nature of God has been misrepresented that significantly in extant texts entails implying perversion of the entire text, per association. "Problem" is--our (thousands of) surviving manuscripts are primarily Greek (from what I know--which is somewhat marginal, yes...but not entirely ignorant: those manuscripts which aren't in Greek still primarily accord with the Greek...which would by inference indicate they must also be corrupt).

All of which means that if you are going to attest that beliefs and maintain logical consistency, you ultimately will have to discount as demonized the entirety of what we have of the New Testament if it accords with the Greek manuscripts. And as it stands, Greek was the lingua franca of the age when Christ walked the earth--thus the most reasonable, as the most commonly accessible language, for relaying missives to the world. So, that means you have to set aside the New Testament, realistically.

Which is unavoidably problematic for anyone who wants to authentically claim to follow Christ. In sum, discounting God's preserved Word on the basis of saying it's a demonic matter that Jesus is called Jesus and not Yeshua, or Yehoshua, or however the person's bent happens to be blatantly denies His Word from the apostles and of the Gospels, too, which ultimately derails faith and opposes the Gospel of Christ.

Likewise, the "Hebrew Roots" movement opposes the Gospel of Christ. In order to truly embrace the idea that the only way to truly serve and know God is to return to "our Hebrew roots, and learn Torah and obey the law," you have to initially do away with many of the apostles epistles. Particularly Paul. Especially due to his letter to the Galatians: Because he flat out says we aren't saved nor sanctified by the law, period, and could not be. That entire epistle discounts the notion of needing to submit to the Torah as a follower of Christ--actually says that to do so means Christ is of no avail to us.

Hebrew Roots ideology and offshoots thus confound the Gospel of Christ entirely, confusing the purpose and accessibility of the law--in ways I'm not going to specifically delineate at the moment (read the epistle to the Galatians). But the point is, if someone believes they must be keeping the law in order to honor Christ, they have to deal with the letter to the Galatians. What seems to happen is that Paul is demonized. Literally--again. But...if you do away with Paul by saying he deviated from Jesus's teachings and opposed Him, you have to do away with Peter, too. Because Peter mentions Paul and upholds him. And...it just continues to snowball.

I've now been confronted by someone believing Hebrew Roots ideologies who has gone a step further than just discounting Paul's epistles: in order to maintain logical consistency at all...you really have to reinterpret Paul's experience on the road to Damascus. Thus, I was told it was not Jesus who appeared to Paul. Believing otherwise--believing what Acts records as occurring (that Jesus did appear to Paul)--would only validate what Paul wrote in his epistles. So, in order to maintain logical consistency while discounting and discarding Paul's epistles as demonic...Jesus has to be reinterpreted as well. I was told it was the "angel of light"--Satan--who appeared to Paul on the road to Damascus. That is blood-chilling.

The person who spoke this latter point has not yet come to deal with the reality that Luke wrote Acts. And that this same Luke wrote a Gospel. Such that, if logical consistency continues to be pursued...then if Luke has lied by representing Satan as Jesus in the Acts of the Apostles...what, of his Gospel?

And past that point, what of the points in the other Gospels which accord with Luke's--primarily the synoptics? But the Gospel of John does share similarity with the synoptics--not a stretch to say it would have to be ousted at some point too. Thus John's epistles and Revelation go, too.

One bit of deviation ultimately ousts the New Testament.

If you're going to be logically consistent, at least.

Although...in order to wholeheartedly go along with either of those errors, or any other...there's inherently been a compromise against sound reasoning, already.

Which leaves the Gospel in the dust, as insufficient...

...by entering into philosophizing, rationalizing, seeking to find esteem according to a return to heritage (genealogies being esteemed highly and contended for)--rather than marveling at the truth of who God is, what He's doing, what He has done, and humbly regarding ourselves as recipients of His mercies--grace unto us being to His glory.

Similar process of deviation from reliance upon Christ, when it comes to any teaching which does not retain focus on God's grace--teaching which, instead, tells us to start focusing elsewhere for power, for deliverance, for esteem, or to please God or heal ourselves or one another or society. Many deviations from the truth just don't manifest as drastically, as quickly, in deviating from God's Word and opposing Him, blatantly.

What is it that was written: "Would the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I present my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? He has shown you, O mankind, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you but to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?"

And, "Behold, as for the proud one,
            His soul is not right within him;
            But the righteous will live by his faith."

"For the gospel reveals the righteousness of God that comes by faith from start to finish, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."

Abraham believed God. Noah did, too. So did Moses. They believed Him. They took Him at His Word. Placed their trust in Him. And Jesus said the thing we must do is believe in the One whom God the Father sent.

That's what we must do. Believe in Him. Believe Him.

We must know Him, ourselves. We need to come to Jesus, to enter right relationship with Him as our Savior, God, Master, King. Our Great Shepherd and dearest Friend.

We must abide in Him, also. Not out on a limb of our own conceiving. But in Jesus, the true Vine. Anything else we attempt will be nothing good...we have fallen from that, apart from Him.

And God is the ultimate reality, the only one who is good. He existed before time came into being. He created all things which exist, and He sustains all which is. He is all-powerful over His Creation, as the Creator and Sustainer of it all. He is not disconnected. His is not a course of ambivalence or apathy.

Yet those who have defied Him and turned from His goodness enter that which is the natural consequence, as though stepping from one room into the adjoining--if not in the one room, then in the other--entering His wrath. A long-suffering active displeasure which will enact justice at an appointed time, each to each.

In the meantime there are already active, natural consequences besides. As constituted by natural outworkings of any deviation from what is correct orderliness and function, the results are unto increasing fragmentation within the fabric of our existence--the weft and warp of the whole of our physical, mental, social, emotional, spiritual reality becomes disordered, increasingly. Unto ever increasing disjointedness, fragmentation within ourselves and around us on all sides. As each deviant weave further corrupts the extant corruption. Though in His mercy, He long-sufferingly preserves us, despite our defilings.

He is not ultimately avoidable, though. And if we would have any dealings with really knowing truth, then we will have to deal with Him in the here and now. But this whole world has constructed such beguiling and compelling distortions of truth, besides--as we, ourselves, had ever turned from Him we did indeed turn toward such delusions as are common parlance, oft come de rigeur, yet many quick to become passé in favor of any next most alluring distension of reality possessing just enough conceivability and relevance to remain palatable for even a brief amount of time: 

We build castles in the sky. While He sits in the heavens and laughs, the earth His footstool--all per se. Yet reality.

Of which, since knowing Him and dealing in truth...one of the utmost painful encounters is with someone...anyone...beloved--loving them and finding they do not care to know truth. Do not want truth. Actively choosing other things. This, despite even being willing and able to discuss so many things--anything, even. But yet, lacking desire for truth. I would die a thousand times to know the Lord would in His mercy light that spark which would draw such ones into fellowship of right dealings with Him--to submit to truth, to the reality of dire need for repentance in humble contrition before our God and King...seeking forgiveness...just to know that even not knowing them here and now as brethren and sisters in Christ, I would in eternity...

...but I'm nothing but another sinner, I have nothing to offer the Lord so to bargain with Him for the life of anyone. Not even for my own. I am a recipient of great mercy, only: A gift--His grace.

And I do not deserve to know Him. I do not deserve His forgiveness.

But Jesus has been merciful to me. And continues being merciful. Even in that all the more it breaks my heart to encounter ones beloved, finding hearts numb and cold and insensate and apathetic to the reality of our condition.

What is it, then--seeing and cherishing in those around me traits and characteristics which are admirable and which are delightful and which warm my heart to see, of compassion and kindness and charitability and contentment?...and to cherish and love people?...even while knowing that apart from their turning to Christ, all these mercies and blessings and kindnesses will profit them nothing?

The situation is dire. My heart breaks. And there is a hand extended in mercy, pleading to be permitted to rescue. Yet I cannot join their hand to Christ's. Though I may plead, I cannot change a heart of stone. He reaches out and they refuse. And I grieve. And I don't know His grief on this, but I know He shed His own blood to be able to extend His pierced hand in mercy...so His love is far beyond anything I could ever own..

So, then--what is truth, and why does it matter?

God is true, though all men be liars. And He has presented us with His own Son--who walked amongst us and was rejected...who died to atone for our sins, satisfying the wrath against us. So that we may be forgiven and receive mercy. This...is of eternal consequence.

Anything that would undermine or detract from or truly distract from Christ and keeping course unto Him...is thus of eternal consequence. Not small matters. Gangrenous: Killing part, then the whole.

In scope of this, concern over being right or wrong seems paltry: We are all wrong. God, alone, is wholly right. He, alone, is truly just. We will come to terms with this fact, whether here or hereafter: We have the choice to believe in Jesus Christ for our salvation, our redemption, our deliverance, for eternal life...here and now, coming to Him for forgiveness. Or we have the choice to remain under God's wrath and endure due penalty as consequence of our transgressions against God...eternal, in full, ourselves.

He has given us the choice. He has done everything necessary to our salvation and sanctification.

We have to deal with Him, directly. Not by proxy. Not as a cultural tradition.

We have to reason with God, ourselves. Through Christ. Ask Him. And search His Word, to know of Him. We'll come to terms with Him one way or another, we just get to choose something of the circumstances of that meeting.

Personally, I prefer dealing with the pain of humbling myself here and now, rather than it no longer being an option but instead a direct consequence of stepping into the full, crushing Presence of a no-longer-avoidable reality.

Discerning Falsity by Light of Truth

The sufficiency of Christ is supreme. The truth of the Gospel is sufficient to bear us through on every hand. Just to remember what He has done for us--for us, who defied God's sovereignty in order to do what's right in our own eyes...thus stepping under His righteous wrath wholly, deservedly, incontrovertibly, and eternally? To the praise of the glory of His grace, we who were far off and in the kingdom of darkness have been brought near, translated into the kingdom of light. Into the love of God in Christ Jesus.

Remembering the Gospel is vital to clarity--remembering who Jesus is and what He has done for us--meaning everything to those who know Him and love Him, who are called by Him, "Beloved."

Even in remembering this--reflecting upon the fact that God did not spare His own son but gave Him up for our redemption--we may be comforted in knowing that all things else which are necessary to our salvation, our lives, and our walk with Him in this world will also be given. All the more to realize that the Gospel is unavoidably central for those who would walk in truth and serve God. Christ is our focus, and the transformative simplicity of reflecting upon Him and drawing ever nearer to Him in thought, heart, word, and deed--by the grace manifested in and through us by His Spirit, even through His Word--is a joy far beyond anything we could ever ask or hope: To know Him is to have life, and to have it abundantly. And to have peace, beyond measure: Not as the world gives, but secure and pervasive and unwavering despite grief, despite devastation, despite terrors, despite confusions, despite anything which may arise around or even otherwise within, attempting to unseat the security which we have in Christ Jesus. None can dissuade, ultimately. He overcomes. He is greater than our hearts.

To have peace with God through Christ--to have the peace of Christ ruling in our hearts--is beyond comprehension, beyond all hope, and gracious beyond belief.

He is so kind. So kind.

So when it comes to confronting false teachings, false doctrines, false ideologies, false prophets, false apostles, false Christs, and false Gods...the point of ultimate discernment is not merely concerned with proof texts from the Scriptures, nor with spiritual or experiential proofs (as there are many false spirits gone out, claiming themselves of God and even to be Christ), nor even with manifest acts of seeming righteousness. But where is the Gospel of Christ, in matter? Where is love of Him? Where is love of His Word, as a whole?

Do we not see, again and again, in the apostles' epistles, and the records of Christ Himself, that the centrality of purpose and hope regards our need to repent in honest humility before our holy God, and come to Jesus Christ who is our Redeemer and King. We must humble ourselves and sincerely call out (and keep humbling ourselves and calling out) to our God and Sovereign Lord, so to receive mercy from His very hand--that very hand which was pierced, for our transgressions...coming to Him whose blood was shed, to cover our iniquities and transgressions...Him, whose death on the cross yet atoned for our sins, while His resurrection stands eternal testament that those who do come to Him pleading forgiveness stand justified before God. And thereafter, we live surrendered to Him for having come to terms with the One who created us and has granted us mercy. So our lives will consist of lovingly seeking out His will, as desiring Him above all things, then also desiring to know Him more intimately and understand His ways more completely--all for increasingly grasping the magnitude of that which was accomplished by Him for us, and as knowing Him who did this work on our behalf and loved us while we still hated Him...we will long to share this good news of repentance unto redemption through God's own Son, with all the world. Seeking Him to guide in this. By any means He ordains.

So much writing in His Scriptures attests to the need to hold fast to the faith, to the knowledge of truth. Remembering the work of God in Christ, as the revelation of the mystery of redemption come through the very blood of the Son of God--though His incarnation, His suffering, His death, and resurrection.

These things completely overturn seeming righteousness and the actual import of other ideals. Because all else is lesser, whenever detracting from or distracting from pursuit of this One whom we owe our eternal lives and hearts to...

All to say:
If proof texting is the course which is attempted to justify or overturn a doctrine, and not a centrality of focus on the Gospel--that, of itself, may constitute "proof in the pudding" that there's something off kilter. Especially given that so many false ideologies have no compunctions against agreeing with standard, orthodox doctrines and creeds. But just add to them, unofficially. And depart from them, practically speaking--all a matter of what words actually mean, ultimately. And if someone has a different interpretation of the very same word and yet continues using that word as though meaning hasn't changed...

...only practical outworkings of the underlying ideology are going to evidence the distinctions. Fruits, in other words.

Our intellect doesn't bring us to God, though. Christ does. And thereafter He redeems even our minds, then still...it's to His glory and not our own: Unto a greater deference to and reverence for Him. Unto a greater clarity of the whole of His ordained creation, and of right order.

Of which the Gospel of Christ stands forefront to the glory of our Creator, that He would have such long-suffering, merciful grace toward those in His creation who have defied Him at every turn. And being transformed and renewed in our minds as such would give us over to desiring all the more to share this fundamental, transformational, redemptive truth with those others around us who are still laboring under delusions, slaves to sin, and remaining under the wrath of God. For love of Him and what He has done for us and them, in Christ, and for love of them who are our brothers and sisters according to the flesh.

But by His grace, alone, we plead and present reasoned arguments for the faith--for the knowledge of and truth of and glory of God revealed in Christ, and in His Word, and resonant throughout creation. For the sake of the hope that we have in Christ.

Know Him. Know of Him. And be led of Him.

Truth is a narrow gate. And a strait way. To God, through Christ, alone. Few there be who find it. Press on.

Grace to Praise

Grateful for the Lord's faithfulness. And His nearness, always. But especially poignant in the midst of griefs, in the midst of trials of faith.

Too many other things draw attention and focus when everything in life seems to be going smoothly. Comfort holds sway, ease sets in, and suddenly the spiritual equivalent of spending time staring at walls seems somehow satisfying rather than ardently pursuing the joy of Christ's presence and the marvel of His Word.

I continue asking Him to help me to be long-suffering, as He is, though. Because ordinarily in grief, after so many hours of pain there comes a point where I begin to cry out against it and seek any and all mindless distraction as a means of "coping." Rather than to bear in silence with pain, ever with the Lord--remembering who He is and what He has done and continuing to bring before Him the matters of heartache and utmost concern.

Fasting helps. As a requirement of dependence upon Him is entailed--turning to Him with all within, denying even the utmost needs of the flesh for the sake of more ardently crying out to Him, wholly. But this isn't as a self-castigation. This isn't a penance. No. But a crying out before the Lord of abject and utter need of Him in the midst of devastation--acknowledging there is no hope nor help apart from Him. Not as a means of testing Him, either, then--not to any extremes as would conceivably risk death. But wholeheartedly as a declaration of the insubstantial nature of food in contrast to utter requirement of Manna from on high...which is to say, the requirement of Christ, Himself: Any less than Him would be not enough.

He, alone, is the Word, our Life. In His presence is fullness of joy.

In the midst of all this, still seeking to honor Him and others regardless of all the weirdness. And He's even allotted a glimpse of grace, and grace again: Solace upon solace, in the midst of weariness--that no matter whether circumstances would turn to total opposition, as has been the case at times (unexpectedly, completely unexpectedly)...then, given any knowledge of hope that matters need not be as such...

...and may not be as such...

...that there is grace in all this toward me, too?...is reminded. Such mercy.

So, still--whatever comes or goes.

However things proceed.

The cry of my heart to Him remains a cry for mercy upon us all.

Though especial cry is for mercy unto those who are nearest, thus dearest for being most familiar to my own heart and soul. While there's grief of knowing others whom I don't know are refusing His mercy, unto their condemnation...desperation on this matter is deeper and far beyond keen regarding those of whom I have acquaintance, personal.

But He is the One who alone is Savior, Redeemer, and King. And I can only cry out to Him, knowing all the while that I can only strive for my own part to walk uprightly before Him. I cannot move the hands of another, nor incline the ears of another. No matter the opportunity which Christ provides to discuss the Gospel and the truth of His preeminence...I cannot capitulate another's heart unto His possession, become desirous of serving Him.

I can pray, though. I can still plead with Him.

So even then--no matter the grief, there's joy in being reminded yet again that He does hear.

I've been reminded often, lately, that the men who were called to spread His Word and plead His case with Israel prior to Christ's incarnation...many were rejected, outright. And some--like Jeremiah and Isaiah, particularly--were nearly entirely opposed and rejected and increasingly defied, throughout the entirety of their service to God and man.

So how great a mercy is it, that He would allow glimpses of grace?--that He would permit us at times to see His work progress in the lives and hearts of others? Hopefully unto witnessing His work of regeneration come to a fruition, even?

How gracious that though ears may sometimes become deaf, eyes blind, and hearts cold...then at times, otherwise, He may allow to see the opposite unfold--by His grace and power, alone?

What hope we have, in this God of ours!--who rules and reigns in the heavenlies and in our hearts, though yet He is also sovereign of all His creation? He came for us. He took on flesh, yes. And bled and died a horrific death to atone for our sins, that we would be redeemed...that all would have access to mercy, if we would but desire and seek for it...that we would find Him?

How great and kind our God is! This King who reigns and yet also gently shepherds us--lovingly as a Father, yet intimately as a Brother.

How marvelous, that this God of ours--the only living God--would condescend to intimately know us and draw us into fellowship with Himself by preserving a Word toward us in language, that we would have means to know Him?! On His terms, and yet...revealed in ours?! So gracious. So merciful. So inconceivably kind!

Lord, bless Your holy name. You are to be praised in all the earth! Your works are beyond comprehension and compare. Your wisdom is unattainable to us, and yet You have made yourself known! And have given us life, in Your son. Oh, Blessed, Holy Father! Thank you. Praise Your name, forever. Give us grace to seek Your face. And let us rejoice in Your mercies every day.

Dear Lord, thank You.

Silent Assent and Dangers of Forsaking Truth

If I had acted upon first being convicted of the need to do so, rather than waiting to the point where potential dire events were about to unfold for having compromised against Christ's leading and keeping...

...things perhaps would not be so abrupt. And realistically, yesterday's departure was not as abrupt as it seemed to most--the process occurred over months' worth of private conversations and discussions, and even included a conversation a few weeks back which began with detailing my belief I could not continue involvement. So, though most didn't have notice, it was not entirely absent. But this still hasn't gone in as honorable a way as would have been desirable.

Hopefully, someday I'll be less idolatrous than now, and more quickly heed the Lord's conviction to uphold truth. Though at least this time, there's somewhat less sway to the temptation to be ruled by terror of man.

By grace, only. Trusting matters into the Lord's hands, even when not handled necessarily as well as might have been done...but presently by what feeble, desperate means available I've sought to return to Christ with haste as not to falter further.

And in general besides, I cannot afford to not be well in the Lord--though especially at work...which begins Tuesday, most every week.

Matters there (everywhere) are too dependent upon walking with Christ closely, so not to continually falter nor be consumed and overwhelmed and swayed by various chaos: All's well while walking in the peace of the Lord, with a clear conscience. Not so, otherwise. My role is to be stable in the midst of absolute, ever-shifting uncertainty and sporadic, yet consistent trauma along with engendering an ongoing unveiling of varied darknesses of experience and plight...with the hope of inspiring hope, because there is hope to be had for any of us.

In the midst of chaos, though Christ is often merciful to preserve me despite my distractibility and constant flightiness of heart...turning away from Him for wisdom and strength and peace and guidance is not something to knowingly perpetuate:

Turning from Christ substantially by rationalizing against His conviction...quickly becomes very dangerous, in many ways.

For one, Jesus keeps me from being continually assailed by the encompassing sense of meaningless which compelled toward death that accompanied most of my waking life, prior to coming to know Him as my Lord, guide, shepherd, companion, and Savior King. Prior to wholeheartedly turning to Him and following Him, my life was constant chaos without any stronghold nor hope.

Now, chaos is endured only from within the grasp of my Master's sure, steady hand. He holds me still in the midst of the storm, though it rages and would destroy me if it could. Thoughts of death and of futility which otherwise still would assail...?--all are stricken into abject silence and revealed as the lies which they truly are in light of continual remembrance of Christ, the ongoing joyful fulfillment of His presence, and the wonder of being loved and forgiven and delivered and kept by Him.

So to turn away from Him even slightly, unto relativistic ideas which afford purchase toward that same sense of meaningless which once consumed me?--turning even slightly away from truth opens the door to all those lies, yet again.

Rationalizing away from truth constitutes turning from it, unto lies--no matter how seemingly slight or benign the rationalization. This, as there's only two ways about truth, when it comes to God--there's no false dilemma there. Christ, the authority on all which exists, spoke on these matters--He is the only way, Truth, and Life. Knowing Him, personally, coming to Him, personally...is the only, only way to have forgiveness and life in God. Knowing Him and walking with Him is the only way to experience vital fulfillment, since He is our source of life and meaning...being the fount of all which is good.

Finding fulfillment in Him entails coming to terms with reality, and staying in touch with reality.

Alternately, turning away from Him entails turning toward delusion. The delusions which held me most securely were unto death, so I would rather not turn away from Him.

There are folks I think who would recommend medications for this, instead of directing me to walk uprightly before Christ. Such recommendations come as with limited knowledge of the efficacy and effects of medications: Know little about the neurological and physiological damage associated--unavoidably, as part of the mechanisms involved. Know little or nothing about the "trial periods" which are undergone to find something which "works"--because it's all educated guesswork. All of it is. Even knowing that some medications may work for a while before randomly ceasing to do so, at any instant, without notice, without knowledge of why (understanding of how and why the meds work at all is extremely limited, in context of realizing the limited knowledge of our brains' workings). And...side-effects which are wholly difficult to bear (or deadly) are likely to arise at any point--whether development of seizure disorders, liver or kidney disease, pseudo-Parkinson's disorder, or any manner of things which also may include random death.

And some research is beginning to establish long-term brain damage associated with ongoing use of psychotropic medication as prescribed (not unknown, just hadn't been "established" per research).

Point being, there's often pressure to deal with matters of emotion and temptation and the like by means which don't entail the difficult work of dealing with sin and emotion.

Because that's messy.

Repentance as a primary means for managing "mental illness," though?
Effective, but "messy."

Personally, I'll take it any day over compromising the ability to emote and think clearly. Even if needed alongside variable doses of time in the Bible, time in prayer, time praising, time spent seeking and receiving counsel, time spent under preaching, time spent studying apologetics, time spent pondering the Word of God, time spent witnessing, time spent reflecting on what the Lord has done, and time spent serving according to His guidance.  ...all which constitute my "personal medicine."

Jesus is my recovery. And when I start stepping against Him, that is compromised.

Which means that things which have to be kept out of life are also just as vital to my wellness in the Lord as those things which must be a part of my life. For instance--I can't do movies or tv. Periodically, taking a client to a movie retains enough a boundary constituted by a restriction to very infrequent exposure that it's not too overwhelmingly upending or consuming. But Tv?--avoided as best as possible. Otherwise these things consume me to the exclusion of those involvements which keep me well.

Likewise, of secular music--takes me down dark paths, generally. And Secular writings do as well, except perused very passingly as part of research in context of considering the Lord's work and our condition.

Interaction with those who do not know the Lord is a heart-breaking endeavor. It must remain on terms which don't otherwise do damage to my wellness in Christ by distracting from Him...at this point only within very strict domains. So, no bars. No movies. No group, secular entertainments. Maybe someday He'll lead otherwise, but for now?--no.

Also, no alcohol--period. Because I have been delivered from alcoholism--previously, one of the most consuming influences of my life.  I will not tempt that--but by grace. The Lord keeps me in this, because I know I haven't the sense to keep myself...except to be reminded again and again what indulging the littlest bit of temptation can do in terms of largely capitulating into a full-blown consumption.

Likewise go matters of involvement in affairs which constitute or entail rationalizing against God's Word (not as though I've been fully conformed to His Word, but am striving toward Him--by grace, if oft haphazardly).

Which doesn't make sense to many, maybe.

And this recent matter has been concerning on multiple fronts--not only rationalizing against His Word. I've also been failing those whom I've been asked to lead by leading them into error per my own, silent acceptance of publicly espoused falsehood (no matter how briefly).

One of my direst pitfalls again and again has been to honor the word of men whom I respect above the Word of God. The previous church was as this--I was very near to the point of needing hospitalization before finally committing before the Lord and man that it was my heart's desire to pursue Christ at any cost, even if it meant everyone mocked me or considered me unsaved.

And again, that had been the case last year with a couple who very graciously welcomed me to their home for prayer, then for fellowship, then for camaraderie--gradually opening up to me about their theology and pursuit of new apostolic teachings, unto the point that I was being blatantly tempted to re-enter occult practices. My point of capitulation in returning to the Lord was against my high regard for them and love for them and respect for their kindness toward me, especially. I was both terrified and utterly destroyed to finally be compelled by love of Christ and of them to discuss the nature of the theology being espoused--being in contradiction to the Gospel, for exalting man and exalting spiritual power above submission to God. And I pleaded with them multiple times, as concisely and coherently as the Lord gave grace for me to do. But no receipt.

So this, now. Yesterday's email. Following conversations of weeks ago. And prior.

The Lord started more openly convicting me of these recent matters a few months ago--prior to attempts to privately address concerns, blatantly.

Conviction came in the presence of a woman who openly professes Mormonism yet claims Christianity, while with children who are her kin and who attend an evangelical church for now. I found myself in a position before God and those children of upholding Mormonism as Christian per my silence on the matter when it was being discussed as being a Christian equivalent to the evangelical church they were attending. I was simultaneously being identified as Christian to these children. All of this constituted an evidence that Mormonism is Christianity, being expressly acknowledged as true per the non-dissenting silence of a professing believer. My silence constituted assent. And I was bereft.

I wanted to weep, on the spot. But the Lord gave grace to have at least one small matter of dissent stated, otherwise, for the consideration of all present.

Of this present matter dealt with so abruptly last night...it's been the same.

I don't like these things.

I don't like them one bit.

I would rather go crawl under a rock.

But there are bugs there. And I don't care for the idea of being surrounded by bugs. Because they creep, and they crawl, and they bite. So I won't. Though I would want to do so.

Just...when the choice is between defying God and defying man...though I haven't the strength apart from the Lord to proceed, still I would defer to Him and trust Him to guide and guard me from whatever comes. It's only cost me physical assault once. And the Lord gave grace to endure that, so the hatred and mockery that has otherwise sometimes come...though it hurts, too, is also under His guard.

For love of the Lord and love of others, there's no other good way. Though I don't know well how to proceed or what to do, I trust Him. And though things at present might seem rash to many, they aren't aware of the months of prayer. Nor aware of the multiple conversations. Nor aware of all the times I've sought counsel.

So, it's what it is. I entrust these matters and dear people to the Lord. I can't do otherwise. I haven't wisdom or ability to effect any good. The Lord alone does. And it's by His Word alone that truth will be cherished as known. Knowing Him.

Just hoping and praying He has mercy on us all and will convict of truth and of sin and of righteousness. That's enough. More than. For He delivers.

Concerning Compromise and Destruction

Committing to the Lord is a huge matter. My life isn't my own. None of ours is, truly--idolatry paints a different picture, is all. We're called to take up our cross and follow Christ, though. If we would have life. If we would walk in the light--the realization of and recognition of and deference to truth.

Much lately has been concentric about the idea of what walking in the light means, versus the darkness. Having minds darkened, et al? (Ephesians 4:18, and surrounding verses)

The deceitfulness of sin is unto delusion, regarding the reality of God's sovereignty and our sufficiency and satisfaction being found in truly worshipping, submitting to, and honoring Him...and honoring others from that position--foremost, of deference to the reality of God's preeminence.

I have circumstances at present which are utterly beyond my ability to even conceive of how to navigate in a way which is honoring to God and all parties involved. His Word is straightforward, or at least seems straightforward on the matters at hand...but when I've sought counsel, I've received conflicting interpretations. So, I'm waiting upon the Lord for guidance. While knowing my own insufficiency keenly, especially as matters could easily turn horribly badly quite quickly apart from God's ongoing deliverance. I am not sufficient, on any front. If I were foolish enough to think myself strong to withstand the temptation to capitulate to sin, I would fall entirely and quickly.

As it is, I've been on the edge. And I don't like it, one iota.

I want to just run away from everything on all fronts, entirely. So that at least the present circumstances would no longer be a trial.

But I keep praying, because having received conflicting interpretations of God's Word and being in the throes of temptation, myself...I don't know what else to do but continue submitting my heart and my thoughts before the Lord, asking for deliverance and for correction and for Him to guard and guide me.

One of the temptations (of all so many) involves the idea that I can just "toy" with the thoughts of re-entering old patterns of act and thought without that being detrimental. As though if I only seriously consider re-entering modes of being which are detestable to the One whom I love above all...then somehow that wouldn't be a stumbling block in my relationship with Christ. As though I could think on and desire and contemplate "the utility and the benefit" of matters which intrinsically drive a wedge between me and the Lord, within my own heart, yet without that being problematic.

No. Just no.

The reality is that if I give my heart and mind over to dwelling continually on even just the possibility or desirability of returning to practices and modes of being which are in opposition to the Lord, then my heart turns colder toward Him, my mind less attuned to the truth of His far greater desirability for all matters.

Yet temptation insists that other matters would be desirable. By insisting that matters such as that of a false union based on some shared ideology (which intrinsically sets aside the Word of God) consisting, to some degree, of a passionate pursuit of shared understanding and thereupon exalted commonality of human interest (eg., humanitarian aid: good works unto peace, justice, wellness of all members of society by any human means)...comprising an ardent pursuit of some agreed upon matter which itself seems righteous and good...that surely the "good" that would be wrought would justify the means, the compromise of truth, the refusal to submit to God's edict that we are not to be unequally yoked.

Likewise...such temptations as this also insist that surely God would not be too dishonored, if I resolved to quietly pray for Him to work in the midst of circumstances while nonetheless proceeding in unhindered interactions with those whom I know profess Him as God while otherwise refusing submission to His sovereignty over their lives, while refraining from speaking up to remark upon the disparity between profession and relationship with truth.

I've been sorely disturbed over this. Over insistence that charismatic ideology allows for soundness on any front--especially when, in context of my discussion with those who inspired deepest concerns, the doctrines of Word of Faith and Prosperity Gospel ideologies were yet again identified as core components of charismatic practices.

Soothing words and good intentions have been internally heeded many times to reconstitute and marginalize my concerns and conviction of truth to the point that I have increasingly continued to compromise, internally, on what it means to pursue and love Christ...and others...by contending openly for truth before God and man, for the sake of loving each.

[various statements redacted to attempt to retroactively honor more wholly]

It's not possible to compromise on one front without that edging in elsewhere, also.

Please pray for me, that I would honor the Lord in these matters. I do not want to dishonor the elders nor those others involved in leadership, nor those involved in the group. And yet my concerns have been effectively set aside, again and again, apparently perceived as being divisive to otherwise address them.

And again, having continued in prayer and waiting upon the Lord in this matter...with continued involvement in the group, having not consistently publicly addressed concerns...I find myself increasingly also compromising in other areas of life--to extents which would end up being vitally destructive unless culled.

So I am asking mercy from the Lord in this matter and pleading His guidance yet again in how to proceed honorably before Him and man.

I have just realized the havoc wreaked in myself and my walk with the Lord, from these matters. And I do not want to continue down this path away from Christ. Perhaps now is the time to write a letter, as such.

Loving Truth, Instead of Love

Continuing in prayer (and seeking that others near and dear would pray, and you all as well), the Lord has graciously allowed me to regain further perspective on circumstances in light of truth and per another honest appraisal of aspects of my prior, sinful tendencies.

A form of love and the expressed desire for power are presently, to some degree being intermarried in realm of a blatantly trying present circumstance. Being able to discern and prayerfully address various unacknowledged reasonings behind such matters encountered has come and will only come by way of the Lord's gracious allowance of further deliverance--having submitted more fully to Him, casting myself continually upon His mercies.

He does not put me in situations I'm able to independently maneuver and navigate, of an increasing complexity. He leads me in ways which require I reflect upon who He is and what I know of Him and His ways--reflecting again and again upon His Word to us all, the Scriptures, for guidance and comfort and clarification. Prayerfully embarking to act and speak, again and again. All while requesting prayer and seeking accountability (whether overtly intending to do so or not--often as part of the course of seeking to honor Him and be led of Him in His will)...so, also does He encourage and edify and guide and reprove and rebuke through His own people, too--ever directing to His Word.

And of this lattermost, there are many who attempt reproof or encouragement or correction in sometimes blatant but nonetheless concerted deviation from His Word--while simultaneously intimating that such efforts are God-honoring. This, too, is a trial. And a grief. And I do as the Lord leads in gently (and sometimes eventually, ardently--passionately) pleading from His Word in context of the whole to the best of His giving insight and guidance...

...yet all in all, each situation and circumstance of life increasingly requires a deeper dependence upon God for moment-by-moment guidance. Reliance upon Christ, my King and Savior, to lead. By a right knowledge of Him, though, and a testing of guidance against His Word moment-by-moment--not as something founded on wishful thinking and pop-psychology, but an ardent, heart-aching, soul-searching, desperate desire to know & honor Him which culminates again and again in turning to the Scriptures and crying out to Him perpetually for understanding of what is there to be understood. Because these things are far from me, except that He gives insight.

I've read the epistles of John recently, as an instance. And though...the concepts presented seem so straightforward and are...the intricacies of what's presented in scope of the whole of the text of our Scriptures as impressed upon our hearts to be kept...

...is beyond measure. And I long to understand more of what it is which He has revealed of Himself, therein, and of our relation to Him and to one another and to sin. And love. 

I'll be meditating on these epistles for the rest of my life, as God be willing to graciously preserve me evermore for Himself (I trust Him)...and I know I won't come to an end of clarification of my understanding of Him and all the rest of reality, still.

All of which brings me back to saying that trusting Him increasingly and ever more wholeheartedly is a worthwhile life goal, as I see it--Christ professed this roundabouts the ways of what we regard as Matthew 6:33. Yet seeking Him and His kingdom and righteousness?--that's according to rightly handling His Word, which only comes by His Spirit giving understanding of the truth. Seeking and requiring Him as fundamental to all of life and being and wellness only arises out of rightly understanding who He is and who we are in relation, as received through Christ's atoning sacrifice.

Which is life--to thus know Him.

All the rest in the world and our hearts is only ever a pale, destructive imitation which never satisfies.

But He does. And knowing Him means knowing that all this world really and truly is opposed to Him. So it shouldn't surprise us to find out that institutions of learning espouse philosophies which demonize Christians and refuse to even acknowledge God. Shouldn't surprise us that defying God is increasingly being celebrated and honoring Him is increasingly openly despised. It should not surprise us that even in the fellowship of those who profess to worship and adore and know the Father through Christ Jesus, there are many who instead are professing a false Christ and a false God, having feasted at the table of demons by receiving and devouring false Gospels which exalt self--excusing sin and denigrating Christ's work on the cross.

From the very outset, though, Jesus let it be known that there would be such deception as even to overwhelm and lead astray His very own people if it were possible: So very compelling, so very beguiling. Yet, instead, we are just as the disciples were--sent wise as serpents and harmless as doves into the thick of the darkness, where the gates of hell are not prevailing against us. We are sent to be salt and light in the world--a city set on a hilltop, for all to see. And whereas even as our Master was accused of being a demoniac, we should expect no less amongst the "religious elite" who do not know Him despite professing to live lives of devotion to a godliness which is yet without power. This, we can know from what He said and has recorded for our posterity. Even while reflecting upon the truth that though these same deceivers, who are themselves deceived, may perform many signs and wonders in Christ's name--even casting out demons, healing people, and who knows what all else?--that still, they do not know Him. Though they call Him Lord, it's actually a false Christ of their own heart's imagining that they worship, willfully.

I had been such a person. Consistently across my 20 years of mostly quiet occult pursuit, practice, and increasing involvement...(mostly quiet: given the one time it got back to me in high school that, "Neil said you could move things with your mind," I stopped blatantly incorporating others during my practices, until years later when my sister Amber came to me in Florida, unfortunately...)...I considered myself ardently seeking God, having "only" rejected the church. I was just seeking Him on "my own terms." Seeking to understand all of reality by attempting to discern the spiritual via any means which seemed to provide any solid foothold. Mysticism was second-nature. One of the latter pinnacles was to begin walking in open, non-conflicted awareness and practice of spiritual matters while in the throes of engaging the physical. Effectively and consciously engaging the spiritual according to my own understanding.

That's not a thing which ever is of God. The approach is defiant, at core and at every point thereafter.

Jesus made it explicitly, absolutely clear that no one...which means, "no person"...can come to God the Father except through Himself. Period. No two ways about it.

I didn't like that. And though I don't remember going through any direct rationalization against that statement...I effectively did so by choosing to pretend it was irrelevant to me. Just as we all see ourselves as "special exceptions," or "special cases," at times, don't we? Though on varied levels and by varied means expressed, I'm certain this isn't exclusive to Western ideology, since it's the very nature of sin--along the lines of, "Yes, I believe laws should basically apply to everyone, everywhere--to keep us all safe and well...but...right now, that's just so much of a burden to me. And maybe it doesn't mean quite what I think it would--surely that law isn't that strict. So it's probably okay if I just 'cut corners' right now--because, after all, I have very good intentions and I do have a lot of respect for the law, in general...so this should be totally fine."

Yeah, that's not realistic thinking when it comes to God's ordained order and sin's defiance of His will: We don't get to categorically pick apart the Bible and choose which verses apply at which times to which people, as though we don't also sit under the weight of the consequences of all the sin of those which have preceded us, as though the consequences of our own sin won't mar us and all those around us...all though defying God at any point by any one has somehow been excusable as a rational choice. Please don't misinterpret me on this--I am not saying this means that the Levitical code is something which God has called us to explicitly adopt for life, nor any other similar distortion of what Christ clarified during His earthly ministry leading upon to His self-sacrificial atonement for our sin. No, I am not saying that. For the whole of the Word needs to be taken in context of the whole of the Word, prayerfully, to see what it is which He has said about who He is and who we are and what that means.

Which recognition and understanding only comes prayerfully, along one's desire to know truth and His good gift of giving such a thing. This, as an open-handed perusal of His Word--rather than grasping to find means to justify the things our carnal, sinful natures want to do...like grasping for power, grasping for authority, grasping for esteem, for money, for love, for worship, for whatsoever else would put self or other human in the place of seeking and love and submitting to God.

He brings us to repentance though, if we desire Him, and delivers us increasingly to a clearer knowledge of His truth--which isn't unto position of greater self-exaltation. But of greater humility and submission: For knowing more clearly how utterly deserving of destruction we are, for feeling more acutely how sinful and fickle are our hearts, for knowing more clearly the abject truth of His purity and holiness, for recognizing more wholeheartedly the encompassing weight of His omnipotence and omniscience, unto also recognizing in context of these all that we are exceedingly  less wise, less knowledgeable, less powerful, and less entitled to any good thing than ever we may have begun to imagine prior to such burgeoning realizations of the import of His glory and our defiance. Yet in context of reflecting upon Christ's full-atonement for us--remembering His mercies, which are new every day, and that despite the horrors of our defiance He is yet forgiving and interceding for us, too? More clearly recognizing this lattermost, above all--His faithfulness and lovingkindness and long-suffering graciousness to those for whom He gave His own life and resurrected to redeem out of our very defiance against Him--we would ever increasingly be destroyed of ourselves repenting in ashes as did Job, while all the more setting aside whatever might beguile and enchant us in favor of deeper devotion to the One who has secured our allegiance, our redemption, and our hearts for all eternity by His own blood, death, and resurrection, and who yet will deliver us into His presence at the end.

So...looking at what His love has been toward us--and that He desires truthfulness within us and amongst us, as we've been reconciled to Him in and through Truth...

...we can reflect to see that love doesn't turn away from or discard truth. Love does not choose to live in lies, knowing that deception was part of what cost our Beloved the cross He bore, to redeem and free us.

Many other things delight in deviation from truth, though: Imitations of love: Perversions and distortions of it.

But...I remember again more clearly, one of the endeavors I'd repeatedly undertaken over my prior course of defying God was to pursue what I considered "romantic love" as an ideal which purported vast potential of providing some lifelong personal fulfillment: Romance novels I read and Disney movies and fairy tales I cherished promised this, and held it out continually as a panacea for whatever ailed. And not only as panacea, but that someday, someone would esteem me above all others and would propel me to greater heights of self-fulfillment than ever I would have achieved alone. And I didn't care whether those heights consisted of pursuits along my occult lines as gaining deeper insight, power, wisdom, experience, and prestige spiritually, emotionally, and socially...or even if propelled as eventually considered: unto greater financial achievement, more esteemed social standing, or so on..

...regardless, the core desire in such pursuit of so-called "love" was all about self--to be exalted above all others, to be made more than I was alone, to be given greater power, stability, esteem, or to have greater means at my disposal for pursuing my own goals. As part of a duo. All of which is inherently opposed to God's love, thus is not in fact love.

Something which calls itself love yet which is wholly self-exalting and other-debasing--viewing other as a mere commodity--is diametrically opposed to the love Christ showed His bride. Which point of consideration alone indicates that any pursuit along such lines as those ones I had endeavored...is rife with sin--as leads ever unto consequences spiritual, social, interpersonal, and so on: Search the Scriptures to see all the many "case studies" we have regarding what sin reaps. One particular that has come to mind many times recently regards David's son, Amnon. We are told in the Scriptures that David's adultery with Bathsheba and murder of Uriah had fairly direct consequences in the way his children behaved.

As natural consequences.

Israel and Judah's captivities were also natural consequences--specified as curses, such matters were recorded in the Bible's books of Law. We have been given a fair overview of how moral law keeping and breaking impacts us and our society and world, in other words. So again, the core of every matter's course is truly concentric about where our hearts and minds are in relation to God. As even the Levitical codes indicate the destructiveness of sin, distinguishing its deceitfulness and our total inability to be self-righteous--all pointing to Christ and our need for God's grace and mercies in light of the reality of our condition.

Jesus said all the law and prophets can be summed in saying that we are to love God with everything we are. And love our neighbors as ourselves--thinking more highly of them than ourselves, even.

Again--all of which is only possible when we uphold truth, as loving God means desiring to honor and obey Him such that we won't delight in things He cannot even look upon, such as sin. And dishonesty is something He does hate. Which includes pretending to be things we are not and pretending to believe things we do not believe, in order to achieve some self-determined desired effect. Trusting Him in the midst of confusion and proceeding regardless is a different thing. Trusting Him to guide and preserve and restrain oneself in circumstances which are fraught with potential for devastation and which are overwhelming--all while keeping in mind who He is and what He's said and praying He would help us to love those others He's placed us near in ways which honor Him, while seeking to honor Him all the while, as an active walk in faith as trusting He will do the things He has said He will--even if that He will be glorified as we believe Him? That is not walking in hypocrisy, because inherent that is the willingness to humble self as to be honest about such a vulnerability and trust in God. But determining some role to present of oneself--in order to attempt to do something we think a situation may require just to effect a particular, desired change in the situation or in people we're interacting with?--that's still another matter, entirely, since the reference point for all actions and thoughts are one's own understanding perception.

Just...love doesn't deceive. It submits to God and trusts Him for the answers. Love delights in the truth.
Love doesn't seek its own. But for the good of others. Love does not exalt itself and own desires for comfort, ease, security, worship, affection, or any else...but seeks that others would be served according to God's will for them, and not one's own transference of sinful desires onto another person.

So there is love for those who are not the Lord's. Yes, indeed. He loved us and gave Himself for us. While we were yet sinners He loved us and died for us. What and who are we to think we know better than Christ what other people deserve, of our time and lives?

If He ever leads us to lay down our lives for the sake of another, may He give us a heart full of love for Him and compassion toward them that would drive us to call out to Him for their forgiveness even as we perish, even as we also with our final breath would plead with them to turn to Him and be delivered from the wrath to come.

As He said...

“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." John 15:12-13

Sin and Loving Sacrifice

So many things going on right now. Not unusual. Further reintegration of life has been going on, desperation in sharing the Gospel, and also again being overwhelmed with the desire for love in context of marriage.

One verse which has been going through my mind a lot lately, prayerfully, and for the past few years is "unite my heart to sing your praise." I've been mulling over what this actually means, while increasingly recognizing so much internal conflict and confusion and difficulty remaining submitted to the Lord rather than constantly concerned with appearances or outcomes. This latter constitutes a disunity of heart--being torn between concerns for worldly, temporal (illusory) matters versus wholeheartedly desiring to honor God and others via submitting lovingly to His guidance..

...and actually, looking now for that verse--it's been long enough since reading it (which only would require five minutes away from the Word, really, if that)...I've not remembered the verse quite right.

11Teach me Your way, O LORD;
            I will walk in Your truth;
            Unite my heart to fear Your name.

      12I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
            And will glorify Your name forever.

From Psalm 86. Pleading with the Lord.

Part of the "disconnect" which has been made apparent to me recently has had to do with my desire to consider myself less sinful than I am and have been. My perception has been so skewed--and this still does fall under category of "concerned with appearances," constituting a serious distortion of reality by any means--I've adapted this weird sort of distance from things of the past. This, as though somehow to acknowledge the sinfulness of sin and the wretchedness of my life before Christ (and the sinfulness of sin, still--though He's delivered me from many things, the temptation returns at times so the capacity for still sinning as grievously as once done is still very real and not to be taken lightly for being known to be grievous)..

...as though even to acknowledge my waywardness and wretchedness and fickleness and duplicities...

...somehow would tarnish who I am, in Christ. As though the shame is all wholly still mine. For shameful things I have done.

But the reality is...the whole of my lifestyle and manner of thought, before submitting to God--even my general fickleness and refusal to maintain stances which would be substantial as unto contention amongst any then-present company--all was idolatrous of self and others, wholly defiant against God, and fully deserving of not only public shame but also God's wrath and damnation. Period. Beyond even my present ability to conceive, still.

All of it was thus shameful, horrific...treacherous. Grievous.

And I'm not saying that some sins are ultimately less worthy of punishment than others, given the destruction wrought by each and the travesty made of all reality and relationship with others, especially...

...but I'm just coming to the point of being more fully united internally in recognizing and accepting the truth of the matter that I have no justification for myself. Nothing, apart from Christ. None of us do, though, is the thing.

Some of the things I'd done (which I'm not detailing at this point--sometimes the recounting of sin can truly be defiling)...are exceptionally terrible. I should be dead and in hell, at the very least. I used to joke about going to hell, actually. My bar friends and I would laugh about it, and I remember saying something about having "front row" sort of "seating"--as though acknowledging that my sinfulness was excessive of most--thereafter saying I would save them a seat, since my would be a position of prestige and I'd likely end up there first due to be on a fast-track there, expecting death at any moment because I knew I was courting it by defying God at every turn, mockingly and brazenly if not quite as explicitly as could have been the case. I think at times, it was almost a dare. That I would dare Him to kill me, since I was in that instance exalting myself as though above Him by claiming I'd be satisfied if He would do so--as though what ever He did to me, I couldn't care less because He didn't control the way I felt about things.

But for His own purposes, the Lord didn't have things go that way... He restrained deserved consequence. And I have found forgiveness in Christ--in knowing Him for who He is and being brought to grief over the life I led, opposing so diametrically One who exhibits and embodies (for lack of better terms) true goodness and love.

Which still isn't to say that consequences could not come, still. I still deserve to be halt and maim. I still deserve to be imprisoned and despised. I still deserve to be diseased and wholly rejected. I still deserve a terrible death. I still deserve hell. All though He has led me to make amends where possible to do so--just as part of becoming honest and increasingly forthright about dealing in truth. That hasn't always gone well (rarely has it). Especially with family--many of whom I just am not in contact with, for various reasons. Maybe someday, again, but only the Lord knows. But I still pray.

My family doesn't like to deal in truth, though. That should have been apparent to me, had I been more conscious of my own ways and means of being prior to coming to know Christ--especially as having been the hub of family doings from time to time. For that to have been the case, given that I was at heart wholly opposed to God...it does evidence their defiance as well, to have sought "truth" and "comfort" and "peace" and "communication" through me. So, from what I've thus far experienced amongst those who were previously close enough acquaintance to interact with as a normal part of life...I've become increasingly aware that truth utterly enrages, embitters, and fills the heart with a barely restrained desire for murder (or at least torture). Same as it used to, of me. So, same as used to be the case, of myself, truth is refused, rejected, despised, set aside, and reinterpreted to fit whatever narrative is necessary to justify keeping it wholly out of the picture. Truth is maligned.

And I'm not going back to living in that darkness, even though it means and has meant stepping away from people I love. Though the Lord leads me through the valley of the shadow of death, then that is still a vastly different matter than making my own choice to once more reject truth by considering it insufficient--as evidenced by willingness to knowingly forsake, in favor of comfortable lies or pandering.

Which was much of my life, before Christ. I just didn't care. It didn't make any difference to me to speak out of both sides of my mouth, per se--saying the exact opposite thing to two different people and considering each thing as valid was something I had no qualms with due to my nihilistic, existentialist, relativistic, etc. ad nauseam, worldview.

And I keep being confronted with the reality that many people who have known me for a long time, or at least been on the sidelines of my life in some capacity--coworkers, classmates, distant relatives, people regularly greeted in community, people whom I used to interact with to any extent--could for varying reasons still all reject or despise or discount or attack or disclose or howsoever else regard my past as wholly incongruent with my present. As though I have no "right" to call myself a Christian because of the things I once loved and did. Or even because of the wretchedness of any sin, still--though the Lord keeps me from grievous things, then still I am not perfect. But He is working and leading me to deeper and ongoing repentance, bit by bit gaining more liberty from sin to serve Him more freely. So it's not about my sinfulness, so much as it's about despising the reality of the cross of Christ--that He has sufficient mercy to forgive me and any of the rest of us who might opt to actually deal with the reality of our state of defiance against our Creator and Sustainer, God. Because I'm not exalted above anyone. Period.

So whatever others think or whether or when new attacks come (as some have) doesn't matter, apart from Christ--knowing Him and serving Him and loving Him and being stricken with the reality of sin and what it means of the judgment to come...for each of us unless we turn to Him...makes me yearn to share the truth of who He is and what's He done that we can be freed and can be reconciled to Him in peace and unto eternal forgiveness and sanctification? Oh, I am so grieved to know His offer is to the world and we reject Him, to our own utter horror and damnation.

But there's hope, in Christ. Even of my own wretchedness--He has delivered me from so many things which used to utterly consume my thoughts and compel me in various directions, seeking satisfaction but finding none which lasted... He has delivered me to love Him and long to serve Him and others more wholeheartedly. So although I grieve the sins which remain and cry out to Him for deliverance...I take courage and strength in turning to Him for forgiveness and deliverance, while knowing too that someday sin won't be a part of life any longer. Someday it won't, at all...in eternity.

But till then, the fact of the matter is that though...as Paul kind of put it...my "inner man" delights in the law of the Lord...I find myself doing the things I do not want to do, and not doing those things which I want to do and know I'd ought. And again and again, am reminded more deeply of my need for Christ's deliverance, His grace, the mercies which are new every day, and of His forgiveness and direction in how to walk more uprightly before Him and others.

Since following Him, as it goes, I've found myself again and again caught up in the deceitfulness of sin. And again and again, all I can do is cast myself on His mercies and plead to be changed--that I would not have desires which conflict with my desire for the Lord. But just as was written, walking by the Spirit is what gives grace not to fulfill the deeds of the flesh. Yet I find myself entranced again and again by amusements which are not of God--various movies, which are avoided in general but which clients request to see (though I refuse ones which are exceedingly overtly wicked, to whatever extent possible...if a case could be made that anything coming out of Hollywood isn't innately in some fashion overtly wicked)...time spent in needless indulgence of social media...I've been faltering enough on that front to have gone back to internet dating a couple times, even. Gratefully this latter has not proceeded to the point of actually meeting with anyone. Thankfully.

Which, I don't know--maybe some of these things aren't necessarily destructive for everyone? But for me, temptation to indulge in carnal thinking and desires arises quickly when my mind isn't stayed on the Lord and being directed to Him through my pursuits and activities and interactions. Which...giving in to the desires of the flesh as even to court temptation in such a way--knowingly, for having experienced the same sorts of temptations again and again over course of indulging in these matters, again and again--should serve as sufficient evidence that these things for me are unto sin.

Because I can't enter temptation knowingly again and again without eventually giving in to the deceitfulness of sin. Sin's deceitful promise of fulfillment of any particular carnal matter does not even provide satisfaction, but only feeds a desire for further indulgence--whether immediate or over time. So, when given into, my heart again and again becomes less sensitive to the conviction of the Holy Spirit--I've at that point rationalized matters to a false point of relativistic equitability, by reasoning that temptation is perhaps not so bad which leads to an eventual capitulation to sin along lines of being "good for food (ie, satisfaction of a need), and pleasing to the eye (ie, desirable)."All false and completely forsakes the knowledge that sin is unto death. As evidenced by the cross of Christ being what it took to atone.

In other words, the only hope is Christ--remembering that my sins took His cross to make recompense, propitiation wholly indicates my sins are not small matters. Sin is deceitful that way, though--again and again beguiling to delusion that somehow that which took the death of my Savior is somehow not horrid and reprehensible and full of grief for Him and for me...

But to remember this all serves to deepen grief over sin, increasing awareness of the incomprehensibility of Christ's mercy and faithfulness to forgive--also keeping me aware that I dare not exalt myself above others who live in sin at any point, realizing I'm not righteous according to my own natures or deeds, recognizing also I am prone to fall hard and fall quickly apart from Christ's keeping...such that I would not warrant myself incapable of any sin, but must defer to Him always. No temptation overcomes any of us except that which is common to man. Period. So the most horrific crimes I've heard? The most grievous sins I'd committed prior to Christ? Apart from His mercy...I have no place to consider myself above likewise faltering. His Word judges us all.

Along which lines, to note--I've known the desire to murder, before, I know that's a temptation which could return...if I stray or were let to stray from the Lord, sufficiently. Even suicide is murder, so I have in fact attempted murder many times. So...I'm humbled and grateful murder is not a constant in my heart, now, though it could easily still be. If I were to stray from Christ and be full of distraction and thus of fleshly, carnal impulses and thought again. Same as all the rest, the other sins.

There's been such temptation lately, is all. Particularly of desire for a husband, rather than to trust the Lord to guide and lead and give what is needful. My desire for fulfillment apart from Christ and His Word and fellowship with the saints has been brought into sharp focus, per this. And as usual--such matters have not at all been helped by many unchangeable factors in present life. So, all I can do is plead with the Lord for mercy, to give me the strength to endure and to draw nearer to Himself. To turn again and again to His Word, to return again and again to prayer. And to ask others to pray, as well.

Because marriage is not a situation I can any way reasonably force into being--same as of the rest of life's compulsions. I used to try, though--I forget often that I used to be very focused on finding a "lifelong companion," before coming to Christ. I used to try to force the issue. But never met anyone who was simultaneously someone I would have been willing to marry while also being someone who was willing to marry me.

Of that--it's easy enough to deeply desire to marry someone, so long as it's not actually an option...and then to wholly recant as soon as becomes feasible. That's what idolatry is made of, being delusion: wanting something only so long as it's unavailable and then finding it repulsive upon accessibility, thus experiencing disillusionment again and again (unto deeper and broader illusion, though, if such a course is maintained).

When this desire arises again--especially when in context of someone seeming to make intimations at being interested in some capacity, and particularly if ill-advised or impossible--I've often been bereft of all reason except to just cast myself on the Lord and trust Him to guard and guide me. My desires conflict at these points--I want other than the Lord and yet want to want Him more. And I've been misled and have been misleading too many times in my life to think I have any clear means of discerning the right way forward with anything "romantic," regardless: The whole deal is too rife with idolatry, unto all manner of rationalizations against truth...I know I am not safe to cut my own path.

Which...at least in Christ I do have stability, nonetheless. For one, I wholeheartedly know that no matter how captivating or inspiring or riveting or compelling or endearing or kind or charming or handsome or gracious any man might be--and even if I do love such a man, by any means seeing and cherishing something precious and dear and desirable of the image of God in him--then still, unless such a man is in right relationship with God through Jesus Christ (having turned to Him and walking with Him in loving fellowship)...as much as it would certainly break my heart if ever that were the case, then still I could not marry him.

That would be entering covenant with someone who utterly maligns, reviles, mocks, rejects, and despises everything which is most precious, dear, beloved, honored, cherished, and desired to me. Reality could never be rightly cherished and increasingly pursued (unto sanctification and deepening faith in God) with such a one. Because the blindness which prevents from seeing the beauty and majesty of God, of Christ, is also the blindness which prevents from open fellowship with me, in the light of and rejoicing within truth--pressing in and onward toward every more fully walking in the holy light of the love of Christ, unto greater liberty in Him..with discernment so to do which only comes by His indwelling Holy Spirit.

I remember, too, thinking I respected Jesus prior to actually coming to Him in submissive repentance, acknowledging the truth of my sin, the wrath upon me, and His mercy toward me in the cross and His death and resurrection. I thought I was "cool with" Jesus. Thought we were on good terms. Even defended His divinity to someone in New Orleans, at one point--someone saying Jesus never even existed. I defended both His existence as historical fact and His divinity as being evident in how He presented Himself, especially following it all up with His resurrection. But I didn't consider Him any greater than any other "truth system," at the heart of matters. And I certainly did not admit to the wretchedness of my sin, because it "wasn't so bad, and I was only doing whatever seemed right, and what was compelling...so how could I be blamed?" I told people I used my evil for good. And meant it. Because I considered myself a "free agent," of sorts. I did not defer to God. And I sought Him only on my own terms and not on His...because my mindset justified my own perceptions and prerogative as being at least equal to God's, thus as deserving as credence and so utterly viable.

I exalted myself as though I were equal to God, in other words. Which was a lie. And until He confronted me with the reality that He alone is in control of life and death and not only that but the manner of life is something which He can allow for sin to destroy or can restrain consequence so to allow for "ease" of sin's devastating effects each to each... ...until then, I considered myself His equal. So I didn't have a problem taking up for Jesus. Because I considered myself His equal, learning to walk in spiritual power myself, and authority. If quietly.

Further, He evidenced to me that there were situations which I could not effect to any degree. (And later also evidenced that when I did effect situations, it was only because He permitted such travesty.) Such that I had to acknowledge that He could make ways where there were none, whereas I could only "make ways" where they were conceivable. And being in such a situation of impossibility, I could do nothing but submit to Him...being shown utterly powerless and in need.

And it was after that point of submission that He began to reveal also that Jesus's identity as God means I defer to Him, period. Not as an equal. But as a subordinate. As a creation. Never the Creator. Never capable of being His equal.

And that...being full-on, unavoidably confronted with that reality and the implications of my own relative insignificance and subservience...brought to light the truth of my abject hatred of Christ. Which...was so vociferous and unwavering that I was utterly shocked. I had no idea I wholeheartedly hated Jesus Christ, whom I had considered an honorable and respectable and noteworthy divine. Whose divinity I'd once argued the case for. As well as other things, regarding Him, which seemed to me to indicate and embody respect for Him.

But no.

He brought me to a point of capitulation by confronting me with the reality that the truth of His divinity and my subservience doesn't change based on whether or not I presently choose to deferentially acknowledge and walk in right regard to this truth. And that moreover, unless I came to terms with the reality of His sovereignty over me here and now and made amends through Him, with Him, then I would nonetheless be unavoidably confronted with this same reality in the hereafter, unto damnation as the consequent and real natural outworking of rejecting and despising my Creator and God. But that nonetheless I would unavoidably be confronted by and unable to countermand the truth...I would defer to Him, one way or the other, because it's the fact of reality that He's God.

And upon realizing that, it was more simple--if I can either deal with it now, or deal with later to great consequence...then I may as well be reconciled with reality here and now, because it is what it is.

He is who He is.

Shortly after that, He confronted me with the reality of His abject goodness and lovingkindness even unto the horrid death on the cross, and not merely so but as to atone for my sins--He became utterly beloved in that instance, above all precious and dear beyond compare...thus how utterly horrid and despicable and wretched beyond words are my sins, to have wrought that unto Him as He would make a way for mercy to come to me...with no other way but through His own atoning self-sacrifice for love of me, of us...even as of Himself, to His glory...His love encompasses..

...sin is wretched. Rejection of Christ, more.

Then even knowing these things--having my own eyes opened bit by bit to them all, of Him--how could I love someone who hates everything most dear to me--the One for whom I live, who died for me?...so, how? Christ loved me. He suffered unto death, even that death on the cross...for the joy set before Him. I cannot fathom to be counted such part of--my Lord and my God has given Himself to death--even the mockery, torment, rejection, and shameful, humiliating torture of that death on the cross...that He could redeem me..? ...and God be glorified even in this?. I am nothing, less than nothing. And He has walked as man--my Lord and my God?, walking as man?--He suffered death, buried, and then overcame death? Even for me?

Yet He did--He gave Himself for me (yes, for us). So, too--now that I know and love Him, walking in light of knowledge and reconciliation unto truth--I am His. Which means I'm not my own, to give. And...He has made it abundantly clear for all that He has no intent that His very own people would be united with any other than His own Spirit: He has united those who are His in His own Spirit, with Himself and one another. Not united with another. So for anyone to ask that of me--I am not my own, to give. I can have no accord with Belial, with Baal. I am united to Christ.

So not only can I not be united to one who does not love that which is the only thing dear to me, I am not free of my own volition so to do: Gladly, am I. So, this is not mere forbidding. It's loving submission to the One in whom I have life--to the only One in whom I have life, love, and true liberty. And in that, I am gladly not my own to give. No matter the asking nor the asker.

No matter what any carnal desire might plead otherwise. And no matter whatever love.

I will pray, and I will seek the Lord. And His will will be done. I trust Him in this.