Through the Mirror.

So, the past week has been completely revelatory.

I have to give the glory to God, for all which has happened. None of it's me. For goodness sake, I'm still struggling not to freak out in the middle of a CVS for being unable to gain immediate access to a bathroom! I am not capable, on my own.

Mercifully, the past week has allowed for much time praying and studying. Reading the Bible. Reading works by or about spiritual leaders--those who have anointed ministries, like Kuhlman, Hagin, Hinn, and (passingly still) Wigglesworth.

Seeking the face or form of God, in all. Speaking with Jesus. Yeshua.

And, with the Holy Spirit. Ruach Elohim.

And just reveling in the Presence, through it all. There's been so much to learn, and so many things taught.

Three times last week, I had pastors lay hands and pray for my baptism in the Spirit. After having prayed to God for it, myself, for however long it's been.

Three different churches I regularly attend.

Slain in the Spirit, taken with Holy Laughter, on the first and third night. The second night, I was told it would likely "hit me" in about 15 minutes. And I just went on my way, driving and praising and praying. And, sure enough...I had a revelation, that night.

And was struck with tears of gratitude, immediately followed (coexisting with) Holy Laughter. Needless to say, I had to pull over for a bit. Much praying.

But, yeah--Wednesday was like receiving approval, for a moment. Just felt like I was being smiled upon, and felt so full of just overwhelming joy--I couldn't keep it from spilling out. And I felt so very, very complete. Just full. Wholly satisfied and humbled. Stricken from moving for a bit, was awesome to rest in the Lord.

Thursday, I still wasn't sure...because I hadn't spoken in tongues, the New Testament sign of being Baptized in the Spirit. So, given an opportunity to discuss some things with the pastor and his wife, I told him I had been researching the occurrence. He asked me if I wanted it, I said yes, and he immediately laid hands on my head and prayed for it. To which his wife told me about the time-thing.

Friday, I attended a revival night at my Dad's church. And went for prayer, telling them I wanted the Baptism in the Spirit (still hadn't spoken in tongues, after all). They laid hands and prayed. Then, after a while, one of the elders told me to hold hands with a particular parishioner as they laid hands and prayed again. Slain again, laughter. After all of which, the elder who had the "special directions" told me that I shouldn't let doubt claim my experience. So, yeah.

Either laughter is my heavenly language, or something else is going on with that.

Either way, really not pertinent to present development, otherwise I'd know.

I've had three revelations since Wednesday.

Thursday night, prior to being taken with the Spirit, I was talking to Jesus about all the things which have been going on, and just thanking him. And, suddenly, I realized that all the recent things I'd been praying for had been answered in ways completely unexpected and beyond my hopes.

I was just so overcome with the magnitude of how thoroughly and inexplicably my needs had been fulfilled, so overcome with absolute gratitude, so humbled by the depth of the provisions...I wept wholeheartedly. Praising wholeheartedly. And the tears merged with an overwhelming joy which just bubbled up within me, to laughter.

Saturday night came the second revelation, while reading a Kenneth Hagin mini-book gifted from the pastor on Thursday night.

Maybe it is the preliminary bit of discerning of spirits, spoken of, as read. I really don't know yet.

All I know is that I was suddenly stricken with a blatant and mind-altering realization of the depth of truth to the texts I was reading. And of the vast difference between the clarity of this abject truth, as opposed to the vague fugue which generally perpetuates within the whole of the world. In general, people have absolutely no idea what's going on.

I still known next to nothing, basically. But I've seen the Truth, and it has set me free. It has.

Seriously, though. It's just completely mind-boggling to me--all the many things which we of Christian faith study and purport to believe, and yet, for the most part...it's no more substantial to us than a bus route pamphlet. ...which, yeah--sure, you can totally pick one of those up to carry around with you as to be able to navigate a city in a timely and efficient fashion. Can totally come in handy. Or, even just read the signs or ask folks as you walk around. But, it's no more than an idea, in that capacity. And the bus is only a vehicle from one stop to the next.

That's what Christianity is to most folks. A vehicle to get from one stop to the next. And the tenets thereof are of no more vitality, in general, than a corresponding bus map.

BUT THERE IS SOOOOO MUCH MORE>

Seriously.

It's all true. And--yeah, maybe some of it is metaphorical, as it was written. I don't personally know. And, really, that's not as relevant as is the fact that the whole of the underpinnings are quite accurately represented.

You know...the whole deal about what basically (in more modern terms:) equates to a parallel dimension which overlaps yet generally remains undetected, wherein spiritual beings are manifest and run rampant to varying designs.

Oh, you know. Satan. That whole deal? All the many demons all over the place? Yeah. Everywhere.

EVERYWHERE.

Worse than fleas, really.
Or maybe ticks. Fleas are an uber-nuisance, but they don't generally burrow in as much.

Or, maybe...maybe powers are like fleas, principalities are like ticks, are rulers of the darkness of this world are like spiders. Only, you know...fleas, ticks, and spiders have a higher purpose of sorts, in the food chain.

Any which, that's something I've got to spend some serious prayer on, because I really don't understand the deal with them.

Okay, so it all started with Lucifer going more or less AWOL from sensibility. He was, like, some sort of precursor to humankind, in some capacity...as to be capable of even having emotions as to begin to feel pride and ultimately rebellion?

I'd really like to see some scripture on that bit. Seriously.

So, I guess he just went on a full-scale attempt at mutiny?

I'm just having a hard time envisioning why someone would, with full knowledge, turn away from God. Why all the many would do that.

Anyway...

But, yeah. It's real.

Completely real. And, for the most part, we're all just in the middle of all the many things without any awareness of what's going on around and within us. Seriously.

Which, tonight, I was listening to a sermon series by Hagin and afterwards had a third revelation which follows the last precisely. Folks have absolutely NO IDEA what's coming. None. Zip. Nada.

Not only are we blind to what and who and where we are, but we don't see the gaping hole ahead which we're running full steam toward, lemming-style.

There is only one way to avoid it, and it's supernatural. Spiritual.
Only the Word is sharp and quick enough as to cease such a thing.

ONLY the Word. Id est, the Son of God. AKA Jesus.

Dude is seriously on-point. And cares more than anyone could even begin to imagine.
Wants desperately to help us, but we won't listen.

Kinda the equivalent of someone inside a burning building fighting off the fireman who's attempting to rescue...only worse, in that we spit in his face and yelled at Him to get Him to leave us alone. So, He's waiting for us to take His hand. Desperately pained for us.

And we just stare into the flames, bemoan the increasing pain, and claim that we don't believe there's such a thing as a house. Let alone fire. So what in the world is a fireman??? And what was that force that just tried to get us to move off the couch? No way.

No more of that. Seriously. If you only knew. So many cultures conceived glimpses, in visions, and worshipped the visions. The entities constrained by physical observations. And the misdirected thoughts which came diluted by way of the dark ones.

So Many Things...

Today was difficult.

The culmination of a week and a half's worth of slipping out of joint, but still difficult. I didn't know when or how things would go, but knew of some likely developments--I knew the relative probability of a couple of potential paths things could have taken. And this was one, even if I didn't have any idea of exactly how things would play out. I just knew there was a decent possibility that I would start to fall out of step with the absolute base necessities of my survival, as a matter of course, if those I was around the most weren't in some fashion keeping step alongside my path to progress.

Because I'm really not strong in this. Like what-with Romans and Corinthians, I'm one of the ones that "don't eat meat." (Only I DO eat meat--just not a lot of other stuff.) There are a LOT of things which are stumbling blocks to me. A LOT.

And being around some of the things which are most insidious, nearly day-in, day-out, for the past month? Yeah. That hasn't gone very well.

For instance--I can't do television.

Period.

Just being in the same room as a TV that's turned on completely alters my ability to focus and process. It derails me in such a way that I end up shutting down. Shutting down is fairly quickly followed by a nervous breakdown, as it goes.

Within a couple weeks, at least.

Unless I get away from the influence.

Most folks--tv is no problem, whatsoever. Didn't bother me in the past, even.

But, yeah--no. Increasingly severe mood swings, over course of the past week. Culminating in difficulty sleeping, compounded by a resulting 24-hour migraine which fairly necessitated simultaneous bed-rest (read: 24-hours in bed), then awakening to physically expressed symptoms of panic, today.

Yeah.

I knew it was a possibility that things might take this course. But, that's why things have been so touch-and-go, or tentative. The idea of living with them has and has always had merit. I love them. They love me. I love being with them, and having opportunity to interact with my nieces at all hours.

But complications arise when considering the mental state I'd been in at the beginning of the year, the mental state I'd been in prior to that (and for the years preceding), and the fine line it's been to maintain deliverance from these things.

As to that last--don't get me wrong, it's not that God makes it difficult to be delivered. Not at all.

My nature makes it difficult--I have to struggle against the compulsion to wallow in misery. I have to offer a sacrifice of praise, even on the days when I feel like lashing out at everything around me...and not for just a minute or two, no--until the sense of oppressive irritability is obliterated.

So, I'm my own worst enemy on that count. How much more difficult, then, when it's ALREADY a struggle for me to overcome my own tendencies, and then to be daily confronted with things that are absolutely toxic to my ability to function?

If there were any way for me to pray it away, it would've already been gone. But...seems that some things are meant to be thorns in our side. To keep us closer to God, from what Paul said.

Best I can figure, anyway.

I all but had a nice bit of a meltdown today, though. Same as Tuesday, although I got some time away that evening--made the difference.

Living full-time in that mentality would be a quick death, though. I have things I need to do, so it's not an option. Seeing the end result as what it is and knowing there are things I have to do...means I had to get out. Not that I won't still be visiting, yeah. With regularity.

But I cannot be drawn in, to the point that I'm utterly consumed.

We all have our own paths to take, even as they'll each necessarily be narrow, to salvation. The circumstances which make me completely break down, someone else would likely consider absolute paradise in which to thrive.

I know that. I know it's not the circumstances, really, so much as it is how they affect me, personally. Or, rather, what they bring forth in me.

Without there being a united front battling against those things which seek to overwhelm, my only recourse is to exist somewhat apart.

Not for a lack of love, so much as for an abundance of one. I refuse to let myself be cut out as a part of the good, so easily. No. I refuse to let myself get to the point where I'm no longer capable of being a point of light.

To do so would be to the detriment of myself and anyone to meet or encounter me. Which, if it were for my sake alone--what would it ultimately matter? But it's not. 

I'm finally getting to the point where I really don't give a hoot whether folks think it's completely insane. Faith is personal.

By the grace of God, I'm alive, having died multiple times. And I don't take that lightly. Rather, I finally take it seriously.

I can't hand anyone else faith, though, or belief. No matter how much I wish I could. It's just too personal.

I can remember the moment I first realized I believed, though--when I first measured faith. No idea how old I was, but young. Pre-teen. Pre-adolescent, most likely. In a church, alone. Just thinking about things.

Wondering about the existence of God. And I got bold for a second. And just asked Him, "God, if you're real, move..."something in front of me...something which wouldn't otherwise move.

Instead, a thought came to me:

"...if I'm[God's] not real, who are you asking?"

So, rather than seeing anything move, I just got this really strong conviction which humbled me utterly--the sense in which the thought struck was really what was so much more convincing than the thought, itself. I think. Or maybe in conjunction.

It completely freaked me out, either way.

...

Maybe I can sleep now. I'm going to try.

Missing the munchkins, but gotta be what it is.

As of tonight, it's been a month since I've had alcohol. 

Considering how whiskey had been my go-to for decompression, depression, grieving, relaxation, socialization, and inspiration...for about nine years, as a major development post-Katrina (albeit, having played a more minor role, prior to Katrina)...

That's a good thing. Not that this is the first time I've abstained for any amount of time, no, but this is the first time with the ardent intention of continued abstinence. 

Monday will make for three weeks without a cigarette, too. 

And two weeks on the new diet.

My pulse is 73 bpm, right now. For years, every time I'd checked it at a resting rate, it was in the mid-high 90s. 

I personally have never had the motivation nor the commitment to accomplish these things, before. 

Final Preliminary: Worth Noting

It has been both my experience and first-hand observation, over the years, that people thrive off moments of genuine human connection. The challenge, however, lies in how to relax one's presumptions and cynicisms enough as to genuinely connect. We all have so many emotional and mental barriers put in place for protection--from others and as a means of bolstering self.

Truth is, though, taking someone at their word doesn't have to equate to a challenge to self-views, even when other-views are contradictory to--even diametrically opposed to--whatever self holds as truth. Not at all. 

The experience of this, without pressure to conform--suspending any judgment and expectation in favor of natural progression--is proof itself. If you've never experienced that in random situations before, I challenge you to try it with a stranger--just have an honest conversation about yourself and an open acceptance of who they are...a genuine curiosity in who they are, for a moment. Keeping in mind it may take more than one attempt to suspend judgments and expectations sufficiently as to experience the exchange genuinely and similarly inspire the other to engage.

Taking the first step is key.

...as to the curiosity:

We all experience varied degrees of difference in the way we perceive (thus interact with) the world. And no matter how much distraction mounts in our circumstances, basic curiosity about the lives of others can prove a positive influence. When taken at face value, for open consideration.

This will be mine, then, for perusal.

Almost ready...

Still in the process of setting the stage--disclaimers, backstory, and thematic overview are always important to establishing a story. And there's still a little left to explain before jumping into anything haphazardly. Which...very likely...is how I'll proceed once all this is fleshed out.

Either which. This is my space, I can do what I want. *grin+minor happy dance*

Some of what I'd posted earlier might seem to tend toward indication that I intend to offer proof(?) or an overt explanation for my experiences and beliefs. That would be absurd. I can't hand, on a screen, all the thoughts and experiences I've cumulatively had in such a way as to entirely recreate the scenario. At best, it would be a reflection of a different time-space which might give shadow glimpses into momentary insight as pruned through cumulative observation and interpretation.

You still wouldn't see it as I do, as you can only interpret per your own perspective. Even as overlaps may certainly exist...in which case, you would intuit what's necessarily prudent for understanding explicit context per implicit content. ...which, I'm not breaking down nor elaborating any further, as to refrain from utter redundancy.

What proceeds will be a reflection, stated in whichever way I tend to choose. For the sake of sharing. There's a lot of strange truth in the uncanniest of places, in this world.

Just, I'd rather this all preliminary be out now, so as not to feel the pressing need to continually go back and forth with explaining the how's and why's and what's of my observations. Which, if the point of writing were to prove or explain, I would be obligated as a conscientious author to provide. But no.

That's not the thing.

Just as with my Christian friend who had open fellowship/communication with me, while I was on my own detour, I just want to share my observations and perspectives freely as they exist in real-time. Without the burden of proof on either of us. Just to share and remark upon the experience in ways which are meaningful, without attempting to force collaboration. Just to share. To connect in a vital way, as living, breathing, conscious beings on this strange rock orbiting in the vastness of space.

And if connection isn't possible or forthcoming...if no one comes along...then I'll still have had a meaningful experience in simply doing what feels necessary. While knowing the possibility of company has been somewhat prepared for, at the very least, given the setting.

But, yeah...

...as I see it, testimonies isn't about gaining recognition or convicting others. It's an opportunity to thank God, publicly, hopefully with some prevalent degree of humility and a vast appreciation for grace.
Similar to how friends excitedly disclose good news amongst one another, expressing a genuine pleasure in and appreciation for beneficial developments in one another's lives, the whole can be a mutually uplifting experience, raising spirits and reinforcing hope. Rather than focusing on difficulties and contention, ongoing interaction which focuses more wholly on these sorts of positive exchanges can continually suspend one's outlook to a more positive perspective.

Furthermore...

I've never really given a traditional, so-called "testimony" before.

Apparently, that's kind of a thing to do, though.

I never know where to start with stories about things which have happened. It's easier to recall reverse-chronological, starting with the most recent. But, by the time I get to the beginning, so much else has been passingly considered as a potential factor in development that there's another bit of story in too many other directions to reasonably consider. Very convoluted--attempting to take into account that correlation doesn't necessarily signify causation and Occam's razor generally applies, while noting the butterfly effect and synchronicity are worth considering.

In other words, at the end of the day, all I can do is take my own subjective experiences and attempt to interpret them in best context of what I know to be true.

And, yeah, I know there are theories which posit that certain "supernatural" experiences can be explained away by neural activity. In extreme cases, even to the extent of physical manifestations of erroneous conscious beliefs.

But we all work with what we have, as far as what we believe. My beliefs are founded upon a lifelong desire to achieve happiness, attain fulfillment, and acquire understanding--upon the experiences and comprehensive realizations which have occurred along that course.

The foundation of my beliefs is riddled with remarkable experiences which range from the seemingly mundane to the miraculous.

I'm hoping to be able to share some of the insight I've gained, no matter that it's personal likely won't readily translate. No way to know, but to try.

Coming Out.

Yeah, so I'm not the most PC person. Otherwise, I wouldn't adopt the term used in the post title for the purposes present in this outlay. The LBGT community has received a lot of hatred/war-mongering from various sects of the Christian community, so there are those who might consider it either plain insensitive or even outright backhanded to use the phrase "coming out" in terms of Christianity.

It crossed my mind that may be the case, otherwise I wouldn't take the time to give this all bit of disclaimer to follow (on the off-chance that anyone other than myself ends up reading all this--stranger things have happened, after all).

No disrespect intended, honestly. Just, I've had and still have a fair number of openly LBGT friends who've gone through the ordeal of "coming out of the closet," so I'm a bit familiar with the process of anxieties and concerns--outright fear and trepidation, to terror, even--experienced on the verge of coming out.

Heck, given my bend for psychoanalysis, I've even gone through the process of doing as best as possible to empathize through what the experience must be. Knowing, still, that given my hypothetical stance, even what bits were conjured can't do justice to the entirety of what's experienced for someone truly going through the process.

All of this, though, is just to give an idea of why I chose the particular phrase. At this particular juncture. In this particular day and age. And...as a preliminary step...via this medium.

I'm afraid of "coming out" as a Christian. I'm fearful of the reactions I'll receive--the potential for outright rejection. I'm concerned about how those friends of mine, longstanding, who value science and logic above all else will change their view of me.

Because I'd spent so many years, in the interim of my lapse in faith, living with the "other" mentality. I once viewed Christians with a sort of sympathetic pity, at best, ranging to outright disgust and disdain, on the extreme. In those rare instances where I didn't have any emotional response to them personally, I still viewed them with extreme suspicion--expecting at any moment for a lecture to begin and thenceforth weave through any later exchanges.

Dread that every Christian was the spiritual equivalent of a used car salesperson largely begat initial disdain. Further, experience had largely shown Christians to be the varied embodiment of contentious, demanding, entitled, oppressive, judgmental, hypocritical, self-righteous, bigoted, arrogant, and (potentially) delusional behavior...at such an overwhelming degree as to wholly undermine any loving or giving tendencies. Not a very attractive package.

Those responses to Christians were once mine, is all. Excepting in regard to one Christian with whom I no longer have the opportunity to speak.

He never judged me. Maybe because I didn't tell him about the things were worth judging?--judging myself pre-emptively, really. But, even then, there was no sense of being judged. Any guilt or shame I felt was upon my own reflection, regarding activities and involvements which didn't feel worthy of my best self-interests (periodic drunkenness and chaotic tendencies are not exactly self-loving endeavors, for example).

But, yeah...

Aside of him, whom I had utmost respect for beyond his proclamation of Christianity...I viewed the religion and its adherents as inherently trying. Even amongst family, I "tolerated" religious mention while being disgusted by various aspects of the presentation. But with that one friend, conversation was open-ended. I was free to be who I am, without restriction or expectation. And so I welcomed even spiritual discussions, for even the sake of sharing differing viewpoints. The main distinction in terms of those conversations is that we always discussed and never debated--we, neither of us, threatened or called into question our respective belief systems. Neither of us ever proclaimed superiority of a more accurate stance, so neither of us was ever cast into judgment.

That is not the common trend. Or, it hasn't been. Even though that's the precise approach I aspire to maintain, going forward, I know it's not readily expected so there are a variety of responses I might be likely to experience.

(Many) Non-Christian friends, family, and acquaintances regard me with a smattering of suspicion and/or disappointment, already (of those whom I've spoken somewhat more freely)--wondering when the lectures and attempted "conversions" will begin.

Christian friends and family have, of course, had much different responses--ranging from humbly congratulatory and supportive to self-congratulatory. For the most part, I'd much prefer just a solemn smile and nod--heartfelt acknowledgment, as acceptance, without either congratulations or disappointment.

I really shouldn't try to predict how things will go, though. I know that only breeds further anxiety (ah, but human tendencies!).

The main thing is just to be. God will take care of the rest.

But this place, the space for writing, I want it to be a space for being open about my relationship with God and the world, and what all there is.

Despite that certain things will certainly go well beyond the realm of what's considered normal, yeah, if I'm open about more than just present-tense situations (and, honestly, even then there's ongoing possibility of "insanity" cropping up as is wont...ah, yes), I still want this place to be freer.

So, it is as it is. And if anyone does wander by, that's beyond my place to be concerned for. Merely, there's enough to focus on otherwise and a driving need to reflect openly upon the wonders of all...

I'm coming out of the closet as a Christian, then. Be that as it may, I'm praying to stay the course as my friend had--being as one who cares beyond all judgment and merely thrills in the opportunity to connect with others, as had been my attempted course all the while before.

Disclaimer/passing bit of a mission statement further accomplished:

Now to write a bit about the present. Maybe.

A New Corner

I never know where to start. Just jump in?

Writing helps too much to give up on doing so, yet there aren't quite places for it, these days. Too much has been changing, too rapidly, and acclimation has entailed a good deal of withdrawing. Processing requires a certain amount of solitude.

Support, still. Interaction, yes. But a good deal of solitude, alongside.

Part of the draw for writing here is the relative anonymity. Trust has been a major point of internal unrest, lately--not knowing who to trust and feeling a bit cut off from older friends, per recent-ish lifestyle changes, makes communication a sticky point.

I hold my friends in highest regard--some are practically family, given all we've been through together. But my primary focus, my general outlook on life, has altered a lot over these past few years--the points of contact we once shared are no longer part of my daily perspective. So, we talk and catch up, and that's it.

Religion is the core of the division.

Life has changed for me. I've experienced too much to turn my back on my beliefs, any longer. And what bits of passing reference have occurred between myself and old friends has made it clear there's not an opening for discussion. When, more than anything, spiritual matters are what I want to discuss, nowadays.

So, there's here.

Where, I anticipate there's going to be a bit of a mess for a while. But not forever.

One step at a time, after all.

Keeping my vision uplifted.