Brokenness, Sexuality, Attraction, and the Greatness of Grace

The Lord is teaching me a lot about right relations.

I had not known how very dysfunctional my understanding of and ways of interacting have been. Walking in submission to Christ changes things, seeking direction. Though I fail so often, too, getting caught up in things going on around me or distracted by the very fears or desires of my own fickle heart. Rather than to just walk in remembrance of Christ's love and mercy, walking in the peace of submission to Him and thus in the joy of His presence.

Most formatively, as go conscious-ish things...there's been a preoccupation with romance. I was exposed to and drawn into things which many young children now are, unfortunately and destructively, from the age of three. Sexuality. Incited by an encounter with a family member, at the age of three. Then again with another family member not long after. Then, with other youths who were also obviously also damaged by likewise illicit interactions, at about six and nine. And ongoing, thereafter. All of which was coincided by initiation into an obsession with pornography from the age of three. Which continued until the Lord set me free, June of 2014.

Something of Thomas Payne, I think?, about a "long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives the superficial appearance of being right:" That well-describes the normalization of consumption of pornography and erotica in my life. And also, as some of the illicit abuses were homosexual in nature, they were all the more destructive. It is only by the grace of God that I never wholly entered into that lifestyle, having begun an incremental initiation at the age of either four or five.

All of which was evil. Outside the context of marriage, period. And the bottom line of these things is that sexuality doesn't ultimately define a person, no matter how much it may elicit various responses from others. Gender...is a different matter. And converse to what society now claims, gender is the one genetically determined and unchangeable, while sexuality is a matter which is only rightly expressed as done so in alignment with God's express will. Which means within context of the marriage created as a unification of the two genders unto one flesh. A greater whole, as the sum of diverse parts. A unified diversity. He said He made man in His image--male and female He made them, in His image. So there's something to that which is distinctly ordered to represent God, of that which was ordered unto unity.

I've heard argument from someone professing Christianity who simultaneously attested that witches and various other groups who don't submit to Christ are just as entitled to their own beliefs, their own salvation, as anyone who professes Christianity. But the thing is, we don't get to define God. He is who and how He is, regardless our desire to remake Him in our image. And the problem with seeking Him on our own terms--as I once professed to do, when initially steeping myself in the occult--is that He's the one who has revealed the terms by which we are even able to know Him. If we want to know Him, we may do so. On His terms. Through Jesus Christ, alone.

Point being, no matter how convinced we may feel or claim to be of various matters related to life and godliness, unless we're in alignment with the ultimate authority on these matters, we're deceived.

So even as much as sexuality may seem something that's all-encompassing and all-consuming, it's only a part of the whole which is a human being. Because attraction doesn't indicate suitability or rightness of relationship. I have been learning this the hard way all my life, having been initiated to destructively by family members and same-sex cohorts into the matters. And thereafter having been so utterly consumed with the idea of romance being defined by sexuality that I forsook all reason under the weight of Disney-fueled, erotica-laced hopes for fulfillment in finding a companion.

Of this latter, I have apparently rewritten the narrative of "how that works" so many times and to such extremes under weight of such extreme dysfunction that I can't even discern what the truth is any longer, regarding my own actions and motivations and standards and habits. Except to note very distinctly that they have been wrong. Because--again--not one whit had been endeavored with any actual submission to God or acknowledgement of His actual will.

And I'm still so very confused, of this lattermost--there are so many Christian writings I've perused over the last few years where people have written to the effect that God doesn't directly lead when it comes to a spouse. As somehow, that's something which can't be discerned from Him. So, we just have to do something like "do our best, and hope for the best, and just try to follow Him" despite all the apparent uncertainty when it comes to "choosing a spouse."

That is absolutely mind-boggling. And ridiculous. Of all the things that He would neglect to lead explicitly, regarding?--I'm not sure why or how that which is most explicitly integral to representing Himself and Christ's relationship with His bride would be on "that list." Makes the opposite of sense.

Especially given context of remembering that He leads in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. And, again, explicit context of remembering that this particular relationship is the one ordained to foreshadow and archetype that of Christ and His beloved church. And, again, the becoming of one flesh...makes me pretty sure He'd been deeply involved, as a loving Father, in those with whom His beloved, blood-bought adoptive children align themselves unto such mysterious unity.

But...the whole thing of seeking Him, submitting to Him, trusting Him?: I mean, that's life. Setting Christ apart as Lord, in heart. Thus, Lord of all things which move us and matter to us: Lord of all things which we hope or desire or may ever thus do. Knowing Him is life. Period. He said it. And we're supposed to live in unity, just as a branch on a vine. That's pretty tight.

And walking with Him as thus--depending upon Him, for all things--we may trust He will indeed bring all things within us into subjection to Himself. From image to image we receive of insight into His nature and being and glorious goodness, then thus are we transformed from glory to glory into the beloved image of our blessed Redeemer and King. For even as we see Him, we will then be like Him, for so even as to see Him as He is. And some day, no longer as through a glass darkly, but face to face. Though we have loved Him, even Him whom we have not yet seen.

But He's the one that changes us. Seeking Him, we find Him. And are transformed. The ingrafted word? Dividing asunder. He has to do the things, is all--by His Spirit. But if we are walking according to the flesh, and not the Spirit, we are going to fulfill the desires of the flesh. It's been told us. It's only in walking by His Spirit, setting aside the deeds of the flesh, that we are led by Him. How can we discern spiritual things, then, if we are long accustomed only to heeding the flesh on matters of heart?

I am very deeply convicted on this point, lately. Having never realized the matter, before, that feelings nor attraction equate to godly direction, and heeding either apart from totally submitting to God is not only unwise but an apt means of going astray. Yet these things are compelling. I'd not realized until a week or so ago that I'd spent all my life prior accustomed to believing that romantic feelings or impulses--particular as and when mutual--indicate the right course or direction. This is a lie from the devil, himself. Yet even seeing this and knowing it's so, I know also that it's wholly beyond me to do anything other than seek the Lord's help in the matter. Because such things are utterly consuming, still. Utterly beyond me to resist. Has been, will be.

But Jesus changed my heart, constituting the moment of turning to Him and away from sin, and He has continued to do so ever since. And I trust He will continue to do so, now.

And I did not know the wretchedness and the loathsomeness of sin until the moment when His love became known to me. Cast into sharp contrast by the the light of His being, I saw myself as could only be reflected darkly per the blinding light of grace extended as His presence upon my cross. And seeing how horrific a penalty was meted upon the only one who could never warrant such a thing--for sake of His intent to extend mercy to me?...I loathed sin in that moment, also despairing of all which I was. Never before that moment had I known what it is to truly despair: of sin, of it's utter horror, it's complete--I don't even have words..: Just, to see that which is truly and wholly good and perfect and loving-- Utterly beautiful and desirable of all things which are glorious, above all things else-- Wholly pure-- wholly, wonderfully compassionate and wise and all-knowing?... ...sin is the abject opposite of all those things, and so much worse.

Horrified, in that moment. I was destroyed. Utterly devastated. Completely decimated, to see the wretchedness of my own ways and life and self, under light of love and truth, as to see what my own willfulness and self-indulgence wrought: seeing that His suffering was so to extend me mercy: In that moment, He who is most Beloved was reviled, stricken, and utterly abused so that I--the most wicked and defiled and defiling and craven and despicable of creatures--might receive mercy. By His compassionate self-sacrifice--His knowing and wholly aware self-sacrifice unto satisfying my debt---such an unwarranted and wholly incomprehensible travesty...He would extend--to me?--such unwavering love as mercy?

I was destroyed. Everything I was, was destroyed by the greatness of His love.

And, so, I loathed sin. And despair of it, still. Despairing to grieve the most Beloved and to ever grieve those whom He loves. Despairing to fall so short of Him. Oft due to distraction.

And this whole, grand corner of life which is considered romance is a vast mine field of distraction for me. For so, so many of us, though. Thus to be despaired of in the light of knowing His mercies and seeking His help. So, He's been teaching me, despite myself.

And the most recent, blatant realization is that attraction or developing feeling for someone neither one constitutes a reason for romantic relationship: These matters of heart or flesh don't constitute justification for acceptance/encouragement of a romantic pursuit, nor do they constitute justification for pursuing someone romantically. These things do not indicate God's will in a matter. Nor give justification for actions on any such matters. All of the which has sub-points which have been painfully extrapolated.

Being pursued by someone attractive doesn't constitute reason for a relationship. And I'm not limiting attraction to merely physical--many things are attractive to many people, to varying extents. Intelligence is a commonly touted point. Humor is often remarked. And so on, and so forth. Superficial details don't indicate compatibility, regardless of "feelings" of affinity for a person. Feelings are weird: They're fickle, and they can often obscure pertinent details per light of what would be preferred to be believed. But the thing is, we are feeling beings. But we're also sinful, so things aren't operating without impairment.

I used to manipulate, suppress, and manipulate my emotions unto "optimal" blankness...all of which is madness. Truly. Leads to some serious problems. Coming out of that, to a point of feeling without expecting to feel...has been very disconcerting. So much has seemed utterly overwhelming, so I had taken to the opposite extreme wherein I've been equating the mere experience of "feeling" to indicate significance of a godly sort. No. Feeling, itself, doesn't equate to direction.

Feelings in and of themselves need to be brought to the Lord--and how quickly I had forgotten that in initially walking with Him, it was a feeling of urgency and fear which often attempted to compel me toward particular actions and particular interpretations of Scripture which so often eventually served as indication, themselves, of propulsion unto error.

So emotions are to be brought unto the Lord seeking subjection to Christ, so to be renewed every bit as much as the mind. He reveals and clarifies our hearts motions, unto repentance and conformity to Christ.

So...I had still been very much living under the light of the world's wisdom regarding romance, blindly so until very recently. I had been attempting to cast a godly light on such matters by prayerfully desiring God's will be done along the course, rather than submitting wholly from the outset and asking Him to change my heart so that I would sincerely desire for Him to conform my desires to His will.

Because Christ comes first. Period.

Because even as much as being pursued by someone with whom there is attraction isn't indication of rightness or of God's will, then neither is pursuing someone, likewise. And this latter is still a particularly sore point: I have been very self-deceived on this particular, thinking myself free from the modern error of initiating pursuit as a female. That is not God's will.

Of which, there's the fact of the matter that sowing error in from the outset will surely reap erroneous results. Not that the Lord might not redeem and have mercy--He is so very merciful--but adding brokenness from the outset as the fundamental operating dynamic of a matter is not at all even remotely beneficial.

So thirdly, it doesn't really matter if there are either attraction, "feelings," or both, if there's not compatibility as regards the most fundamental and primary values and principles. Most specifically, as a foremost matter for myself--as this is the core desire of my heart, thus constitutes the foremost of all points when prayerfully seeking the Lord's guidance of whether to encourage pursuit--If I am living life as a disciple of Christ and trusting Him to guide and lead, moment by moment, then there's a fundamental incompatibility of morality and values when compared to someone with a five-year plan which hasn't come from God, Himself. Even if they do know Him. Or just claim to know Him. As even of anyone who is not actively seeking and trusting that the Lord will lead. While all the while knowing the need to work out salvation with fear and trembling and to hold fast to pattern of sound words. Even knowing that He who has called us is faithful and will continue the work in us until the day of Christ.

There are so many points of division, is the thing. But that's the foremost, of myself, and where I've faltered a few times already since walking with the Lord--thinking that merely meeting a professing Christian who seems to be pursuing me, then it must obviously be the Lord's will. All the while ignoring constant distractions from Christ. And ignoring encouragement unto things which, for me, are sin. Yeah, no. There's probably some leeway for doctrinal beliefs, but fundamentals which are utterly imperative to me...unless two be agreed, how can they travel together?

I am grateful the Lord has made me odd enough that I'm not equipped to easily fall into a relationship with just anyone who would pursue me--whether due to unthinkingly sabotaging things or simply not knowing or understanding how to rightly proceed. Because as many attempts as I've made, there's never been successful long-term interaction.

So, I'm trusting the Lord that if or when He does ever intend for me to actually marry, He'll line things out. Because I'm entirely incapable of proceeding wisely or with any reasonable idea of how to navigate the course.

Except...that I do now know that emotion isn't the gauge of all things, and I do now know that I would not dare attempt to align myself with or entertain pursuit from someone whose walk with Christ would be a stumbling block to me. These probably seem like pretty simple things, but...for me, they haven't been. And part of that has to do with being a woman, too--we do seem much more given to emotion, and especially the whole deal of romance. That whole "your desire will be for your husband"-proclamation? Yeah, I may have been trying to deny it for a long while, and may have been in a long habit (still am) of believing myself wholly unsuitable for and unsuited to and ill-equipped for and utterly unmarriageable...but I'm also coming to terms with Jesus being Lord of that area, too.

Which means trusting Him with all my brokenness and insufficiencies, all my ineptitude and inability. And trusting Him to guard and to guide me in these matters too, though they terrify me perhaps beyond all things else. If for no other reason than perhaps the depth of emotion and the certain vulnerabilities of intimacy.

I just don't really understand how these things work, still, is all. I'm wrestling them out, before the Lord, by His grace. My ability to discern how to interact with others has been impacted by sinful interactions in youth, and though I've been enlightened to some of the impact as become able to prayerfully walk more healthily...and "normally"...amongst others...I still don't know the depth or end of the dysfunction which remains.  But the Lord has been and is my sanctuary, in the midst of these terrors of life. And in the safety of His presence, I have been and am able to lay down my weapons, have bared my wounds, and seek He reveal the wickedness in me as He tends and heals me. And He has been healing me, is what is so unexpected. I truly didn't know He would. I didn't know healing was possible--and this, as someone who's been in and out of psychiatric and psychologic and social work offices for 20 years.

Thirty-some odd years of damage, none of which was healed by "modern medicine," yet Jesus has enacted so much healing, already. So, I shouldn't think of this as slow-going, to have already experienced any healing. But, there's the desire for completion and total deliverance, unto Him.
Such that any waiting seems long. But I trust Him. And He leads.

So I know He'll line all this mess out. And not just for the sake of preparing me for whatever sort of relationship He would have me enter, but for the sake of bringing Himself glory per being so utterly gracious to me. Me--even me, who so despised Him in so many ways, even by despising myself.

So, I'm very prayerfully considering these things openly here in the midst of seeking greater surrender to God's will as regards someone with whom I have recently been...impressed with, regarding relationship with the Lord and desire for knowledge of Him, even as unto sharing with others.

And I apologize that this post is at the outset full of so much reference to darkness and the workings of sin. I hope and pray that whatever resounds of those matters will lead to seeking Christ for deliverance, yourself. Because He's finally bringing me to the point where shame's grip is loosening enough that I can mention such things--without graphic detail so not to encourage sin--but as to acknowledge sin for what it is. And as to acknowledge that it's utterly horrific and wrong, all of it. And as to acknowledge that the penalty due as consequence is wholly just. While also acknowledging that Jesus Christ, Himself, willingly endured that penalty for me and for whoever else would turn to Him in surrender, seeking forgiveness and mercy. Because He who did not deserve wrath endured it, entering death. And He has overcome. Resurrected to reign, forever. And His offer of salvation remains extended to all who would seek Him, in spirit and truth and sincerity of repentance.

And He's actively still leading me to acknowledge and confront and repent of sin. Unto forgiveness, deliverance, healing. And He'll do the same for all who turn to Him in spirit and in truth.

For as long as we all shall live.

Which reminds me. I was listening to something the other day, can't remember what--some sermon or other, or maybe a snippet during the brief instance of perusing the local Christian radio broadcast...random mention of marital vows, as never before overheard. Apparently, the marital vow is not, "I do," as such indicates an immediacy to the vow particularly inherent that specific moment, but the vow is "I will," as indicates intended ongoing commitment to enduring within the covenantal relationship being entered...such as constitutes the nature of God-given marital covenants: Not a solitary instance of openly acknowledged commitment, but an openly acknowledged commitment to ever endure.

I still maintain that I've erred too much, but I keep being reminded that His grace is greater than all my sin. And that His grace is sufficient. God is the far greater prize, and He's given Himself to redeem me. So self-berating and the like has to end. Not in exchange for self-exaltation, but in exchange for living in the light of loving Christ and being grateful for what He's done and is doing.

So many things. He is good. And however goes or whatever comes, Jesus is enough. Far more than.

Apologetics, aka Giving Reason for the Hope that is in You.

Why do you believe what you believe? Are you able to clearly explain the reasons for the hope that is in you? Are you able to enunciate that hope, itself?

The Lord has helped me to be better equipped to do so through study of His Word, time spent in fellowship with Him, time spent in fellowship with other believers, and through the work and ministry of those whom He has equipped to speak on these matters particularly well and clearly: teachers and evangelists. So grateful for this man's ministry, and for the ministry of others likewise whom the Lord has equipped to speak clearly on the wonder of grace and the marvel of God's word, works, and wisdom.

Every time, though, there's prayer. Every conversation there's longing to speak openly yet held in tension with the weight of fear of knowing the possibility of reviling and rejection. And every time He gives grace to submit to Him and ignore the fear, there's gratitude. All the while as He helps to speak well and clearly.

Because without the Lord's active work in directing speech, my own logic is flawed and faltering, constantly. And when He lets me only rely on my own strength, then words are weak and messages mixed.

Prayer is the largest part of this all. Even as is seeking to know Him better, seeking to understand more clearly who and how He is. Seeking to dwell on His word daily, praise Him continually.

If only sin weren't a part of the mix, requiring ongoing repentance and cries for mercy. Despising to do that which is grievous, yet again and again faltering. I trust Him, though. And will trust Him to help me, to deliver me, to give strength and further deliverance.

All the while seeking to know Him better and walk more closely with Him. Jesus is everything. My Savior, and my God. Friend and Master. The only wise God.

So I trust Him. Even seeing greater depths of my own depravity and insufficiency, but all the more to see greater need of Him while turning all the more to rely on Him for every need.

And in the midst of all that, longing for others to also turn more completely toward Him and surrender to Him wholeheartedly. I haven't the wisdom or the strength to plead with them cogently, except that He gives grace to do so. And I haven't the insight of knowledge or understanding to address heartfelt contentions, except that He likewise gives grace and wisdom so to do.

And through lectures like the ones above linked, He's calmed my heart and prepared me for many conversations. All while still the need to depend on Him in the midst of those conversations is prevalent, then still He does use His word and wisdom to direct.

He uses us wherever He places us. And calls us to be prepared for whatever He would have us put our hand to, as laborers in the field.

And this is a joy, too, though--to plead on His behalf, with those who yet refuse Him. This is an honor, even met by reviling.

Present Thoughts on Justice vs. Fairness

Been prayerfully considering the unfairness of Jesus’s crucifixion, especially in regard to God’s ability to hold in perfect tension perfect justice and perfect mercy per that Crux in historical events. Because it is wholly unfair that the most perfect, blameless, loving, kind, wise, and only good man to ever walk the earth should have endured our rejection, persecution, reviling, and torture unto death. Let alone that He would bear the consequences due US all per such a course.

Going further back, though, perhaps illumination begins to arise in remembering that the unfairness did not initiate at His public trial unto execution. Unfairness unto Him began at His being humbled as to come in the flesh. That God would set aside anything of His glory and majesty for any span, humbling Himself, as to walk alongside us...there’s nothing small of unfairness of stance in His having taken the form of a servant. And also in His long-suffering toward us all, still, of and in mercy. He opted to do things which were very unfair to Him.

Fairness and justice aren’t necessarily equatable terms, it has begun to seem.

I heard someone discuss fairness in terms of equality, once, where it regards the demands of children to receive entirely equal treatment from parents. But there’s a big difference between allowing a 16 year old to use a vehicle and permitting same of a 12 year old. Standards of maturity and aptitude prevail when making such distinctions—some of which exist as standards of law, yes.

But the 12 year old could still as easily call it unfair, as a perceived unfairness in treatment that is “ageist.” Doesn’t mean it’s unjust, though. Doesn’t mean there ought to be amendments to law to approach greater “fairness.” But rather such instances evidence the standard of justice doesn’t rest in wholly equal treatment of all parties concerned. Justice to varied extents considers aptitude and comprehension, intent and ability—again, justice is not merely concerned with sameness of apparent treatment of parties. Justice doesn’t necessarily entail equal division of culpability or consequence. But justice appropriates matters rightly, with consideration of all involved factors. We wouldn’t have use for judges of the law, if consideration of events, intent, and ability were exempt from legal considerations.

So why then wouldn’t it be just (though admittedly unfair) for an aggrieved party to opt to endure consequences due the guilty party, so to enact a caveat that those who choose reconciliation would be granted pardon per having their offenses reckoned amongst an infinite debt satisfied per a likewise infinitely valuable propitiation. Seeking reconciliation rather than punishment of the offender. With all who would humble themselves to reckon with their culpability and the actual cost of satisfying the consequences. All who are remorseful and repentant. The Judge has mercy.

God Himself is the aggrieved party. If He has chosen to endure unfairness while enacting justice, as the aggrieved party and the only just judge, He has prevailing prerogative. And He provisioned means for mercy, at His own expense. Willingly enduring. Satisfying our debt, Himself. Jesus endured, for the sake of the joy set before Him.

He alone truly knows justice. We usually opt for seeking perceived fairness, instead. And there has been recent shift toward seeking public acclaim by vociferously decrying perceived unfairness toward any-other-party-than-self. Unless one’s own perceived rights are seen as having been infringed so often as that ongoing victimhood then is also perceived as a justification for being offended. So the idea of someone willingly surrendering their rights for the sake of another and enduring suffering for the sake of another...is that much more incomprehensible and offensive. All the more does it fly in the face of modern ideals of self-righteousness and public crusades for individual equality (without regard to standards of right or wrong, only of perceived entitlements to “fairness”).

This especially is a point of convolution when it comes to the idea of self-righteous crusades for one’s own (or others’ own) “rights.” Because if God, Himself, has humbled Himself for the sake of others rather that seeking His own esteem while walking amongst us, He has entirely put all rebel powers to shame by making apparent that we are wholly unjustified in seeking to exalt our own or others rights as being entitlements. The only one who truly IS entitled to seek His rights amongst us all did not do so, this we are truly relieved of any right to do so apart from submission to His pre-eminent will and sovereign provisions to us all.

Which again flies utterly in the face of modern (not new) ideology. It isn’t just to seek individual rights apart from submission to God. It is not fair to insist upon personal preference, in context of all reality, either.

Musics: (The Verses Project) Psalm 139 (x2), Take My Life

Totally neat: The Verses Project ...help for remembering His word.

Of Consequence, Sin/Transgression, and Constant Mercies

I briefly considered just editing the last post, as goes writing. But then came a thought that if I did so, there's potential that it would just be lost in the mix. Which, ultimately, may or may not signify. Generally speaking, proof-editing does take place after posting. When it does happen. Which is most of the time. And there are usually some significant updates, then, too. Eh.

There are so many things I don't mention here, in the thick of things. When there are particularly dire trials, especially. Out of respect for the severity of circumstances, generally, knowing that it's only by the grace of God that things aren't utterly destroying me both inside and out.

The more recent of things now nearly at resolution is another slight brush with death. Of sorts. Necroticizing spider bite, then a multi-week systemic infection which is just now beginning to truly ebb. And however goes, next: Long and short of circumstances is that my life is in the care of my Lord, Jesus. Which...doesn't mean that I do nothing when these-type things come. But foremost, when they do, there's a solemn remembrance and submission to the reality that God is the one who has given my life and who sustains it, and when time comes, He'll be the one in charge of its end, too. With these recent health-things, circumstances have not been nearly as dire as many other instances. On the Richter scale of life-threatening circumstances, these have kind of registered as worrisome / annoyance-level. But nonetheless have served as reminder of need for His interventions to sustain life. (As a point to note: From my weak-ish Google-Fu at the time, there don't seem to be effective anti-toxins for brown recluse toxin once wounds have actively begun to necroticize. Mostly just bombardment with antibiotics, it seems? The topical antibiotic given me did not help--unless perhaps tissue death would have been more rapid and widespread without it? Not something worth experimenting, personally. The Lord was gracious to allow me to find a page recommending use of activated charcoal poultices+internal, then bentonite clay...used the charcoal poultices two days, a week into the necrosis, and it entirely resolved the necrosis. Coconut oil+lavender oil, topical thenceforth. Wound healing began after the second day of charcoal administered. Hopefully not necessary to know. But FYI. This other health-stuff is unrelated, just unfortunate. Has required submission to the Lord to endure symptoms and also to maintain disciplined eating as not to further the infection. Very grateful to be drawn nearer Him even if the means are of desperation.)

Numerous have been the brushes with death, lifelong--many intentional, but many also not intended. These again and again drive further home the fact of God's sovereignty over life and death, birth and burial. Period. Where there is conception, it's by grace--according both to the wisdom of His designed function, but also requiring that He ordain inception of life. Perhaps more difficult to submit to graciously is His sovereignty over death, though. Especially as there are so many sufferings and so many tragic ends.

I take heart in remembering and reflecting upon His goodness, His lovingkindness, His mercy, and His longsuffering toward us--all of which is evidenced (along with so much else) through His own willing entrance into and submission to the consequences of creation's broken order: God walked on earth, incarnate, and lived without transgressing any of the principles of created order. And yet He still bore the consequences of transgression--of sin--Himself. Yet it was the consequences of our sin He endured--He submitted to the consequences of our erring against the principles of created order--as He hadn't incited any consequences per living always in perfect concord with the principles of created order (foremost, as maintaining perfectly ordered relationship with God, Father).

Jesus endured consequences He hadn't warranted so to submit Himself in our place, bearing our consequence. He was a willing substitute. As making way that we may receive mercy (thus not enduring the full weight of consequence warranted by our transgression of the principles of created order), all while justice remains perfectly intact (having been fulfilled upon our willing Substitute, Christ Himself). He effectively redeemed us, as such, from the brunt of what ought to be coming against us--ensuring that anyone who turns to Him, submits to Him, unites with Him in spirit and truth...then is received into a position of having borne and overcome the very real consequences of our own evils. What He endured on our behalf was just as much a debt as it is a consequence, realistically, given that our transgressions against principled order of created don't exist in a vacuum: Our transgressions are ultimately against God, Himself.

He set order for all things--principles by which all things operate: Laws of nature, as we call a subset of them. And He is a personal Creator, who also sustains His creation actively. He created according to perfect wisdom--from the inconceivably precise laws of nature recognized via theories of quantum physics, to likewise principles of mathematical operation...to the far less broadly accepted principles of spirituality and morality. Point being, everything has a specific, explicitly structured operational order of its very own: distinct principles of operation which are non-arbitrary, and in no way relativistic. Our problem is that just as gravity operates according to consistent principles, so does spiritual and moral reality.

Because this is a problem, yes, when there's a lack of awareness of how these latter such principles (as actually determine the course of a spiritual eternity) are ignored or suspended unto vast ignorance. Being broken and erred against continually--willfully, in truth--through incremental suppression of truth unto an oblivious ignorance of to nature of spiritual workings over the entirety of a lifetime...  ...we each put ourselves in a dire situation, ever having erred against conscience. Which is a guide, though not the only one...toward what constitutes the order of these less easily grasped principled realms.

But...He has consistently revealed the truth of matters to us. We just oft and continually reject Him (same as if someone were to read all this and then try to ignore it, rather than digging into the Bible and researching around it as to determine legitimacy--searching out the end of a matter).

He has consistently revealed Himself to all creation. To incite pursuit of knowledge of right order. To incite reconciliation. Part of which is why He revealed Himself to a specific people, then progressively had them write down His revelations to them. Then, He independently maintained consistency of His message across centuries (as one of the many means of confirming the revelation as God's own--as coming from someone outside time). Over course of which revelation, He told them (and thus us all) that He would come into creation Himself, to redeem a people for Himself. And, then, He did enter creation Himself, and did what we couldn't do--walked without transgressing the principles of reality's order--so as to reconcile us to Himself by enduring consequences due us as a rightful Substitute. And then He overcame those consequences, shattering them under weight of His sovereign love and power. Death included. And, though He has returned to His glory in the spiritual realm, still He and actively engages with us spiritually and through His Word. Still as to draw us to Himself, draw us into restoration and reconciliation of right order.

All despite our (i.e., humanity's) ongoing refusal to submit to right principles of spiritual and moral order.

All as to save us from the consequences which we will endure, unless we come to Jesus Christ, Resurrected Son of God, God incarnate...for mercy. He's the only human who has ever self-resurrected. That says a lot about what God's business means, of this whole matter. Especially given the evidence of the judgement of transgression evidenced in the way He died, too. There is wrath to come. Consequence of transgressing the laws of a perfectly good, sovereign God.

He's made the way, but we have to submit to truth in order to find it. We have to submit to God. To Jesus Christ. Our God. Whether we like it or not.

He's merciful, though. We'd be a lot less well than we are--societally, individually, internationally--if it weren't for His mercifulness toward us all. I know this because of what He's codified as His revealed Word.

His revelation to Isaiah has been especially poignant on that point. He deeply grieved and lamented His people's constant straying, through many of the prophets, yet to Isaiah made especial note that He was going to at that time cease from restraining the consequences of their transgressions. Which is to say, to me and us, that He does actively restrain actual, physical consequences of broken spiritual, moral order on an ongoing basis. This says to me there are real-time physical consequences incited the very moment we transgress spiritual or moral laws. Same as you can't opt to break the law of gravity when stepping off a roof if you choose to suppress knowledge of its existence...not without actually incurring dire consequence. Though He may opt to restrain the severity of said consequence. You might not immediately die, physically. You might not be paralyzed for life. You might not break bones, even. But you will fall, unless He intervenes. And you may immediately perish.

Likewise, there exist real and inherent consequences to acting with any sort of defiance of the laws of spiritual or moral order. But we all err so continually that we're largely blind to what those laws are...thus the Bible, and His Spirit intervene. Are available to intervene.

Anyway, all that just to note that realizing death is also in His hands...isn't so dire a matter, when taken into account alongside recognition that He's actively restraining the warranted, actual consequences of what would otherwise be experienced. Mercy exists and is extended in that Christ has done His word of interceding and still intercedes and intervenes.

When considering this in light of how dire and tragic have been and are many grievous events in the world, there's grief and also a horrified terror upon realizing what has occurred has nonetheless been a largely mitigated realization of what otherwise should have occurred as direct consequence from our active transgression against moral and spiritual order. I would not even want to imagine. And will not allow for it. Given the gravity and horror of the travesties which have come to pass.

At which point it helps to remember that He doesn't delight in any of this all, of consequences. But longs that all would receive mercy.

Yet we refuse.

Please don't refuse. Search out the matter.
Look into who Jesus is. Not was.

He resurrected. Historical accounts attest to this. And, yes truly, the Biblical books are historical accounts. Attested by many things, as such. The Word of God.

Look into it.

Songs, Relevant: Master, The Tempest is Raging; Psalm 130; How Firm a Foundation+

The Lord bless and keep you all. He is so gracious and merciful. =) ...in the midst of all things. Sufferings notwithstanding. He is worthy all praise, all devotion. Always.

And someday, we will enter into His presence. We will give Him all honor, and what a joy to eternally praise our God and Savior when that day comes--eternally. 

He Is, and He Is a Rewarder of Those Who Diligently Seek Him

God is. This is a thing. Reality. One of the deals as that, whether we like it or not, we've got to own up at some point. Here or hereafter.

The evidence mounts exponentially, the more deeply we peer into His wisdom as revealed per the intricacies of scientific study: That order would exist, so even to permit scientific exploration is a wonder beyond comprehension. That our minds would be sufficient to parlay truth, as unto further and further discoveries?--Incomprehensible, apart from receipt of consciousness grafted and imbued by an objective, wise being. And that our very beings--the beings of all life which exists--propagate per encoding which is complex, intricate, and yet so utterly simplistic (four "letters," for all of living creation!?!?!?)?--defies explanation apart from the wisdom of a Creator.

Not to mention the fact that the universe exists at all, in abject defiance of all probability. Let alone according to such a finely tuned set of initial conditions as truly does defy all logical explanation apart from such a one as should wholly be recognized and known as God. A personal being, no less, given what exists.

So much, beyond comprehension. 

And there's this idea that we know so much that somehow we know enough as to rule God out. Absurd. We neither know what gravity is, nor consciousness, and apparently optical science doesn't even practice what they do know (in terms of myopia being correctable)--and howsoever many else such similar inconsistencies there are in our perception and practice of reality, there truly are many--all to say, we don't even know truth regarding what we think we do know to be true, so how much less do we truly know to be false what we don't conclusively know to be false? Preference doesn't equate to pronouncement, is all. 

Because, truly, we as a fallen species have a vested interest in preferring there to be no God: Thus, no accountability to anyone except ourselves, perhaps our societies, maybe the world at large--but if on terms which equate us all as equal, then still we're none at a loss to argue for legitimacy no matter how grievous our deeds or thoughts...so long as we speak well and give good sounding arguments which appeal to those of similar sentiment, then we're all still on equal footing. With no one to judge. 

Similarly, as long as panentheism or pantheism or deism or something of the sort is the adopted stance and preferred ideology, God is denigrated to a position of ostensible indifference, unintelligent permeation, or at "worst," equanimous oversight. At worst, with the most of these ideologies, there's a perceived need to earn standing by a process of doing "more good than evil." But even then, the standard is wholly subjective--self-referential, regardless the cultural precedent by which it's proceeded and propagated. 

All these, so as to avoid actually dealing with God. Making Him out to be something, rather than seeking to know what can be known--rather than desiring to comprehensively know what's true. Rather than desiring to know Him on His own terms, in other words. 

As, for there to be a God, then surely He's sufficiently wise and masterful as to make Himself known in terms which we can grasp. If He can manage DNA, it stands to reason He can manage communication with humans. Capisci? 

In fact, He went a step further than just dictating through humans, after having chosen a group to represent Himself and be the bearers of His revealed Word--He promised through them that He would come, Himself, in the flesh. God being God can do what He deems best. And being all-knowing and all-wise and all-good, whatsoever He deems as best truly is.

And He did choose to come and walk amongst us, as one of us yet also still God. Born of a virgin. Quiet, nondescript childhood. And, then a brief few years of public service. For which He was crucified as a blasphemer attempting political insurrection (the second being a tag-on to get the Romans to collude). He equated Himself with God. Thus the people whom God had chosen...or, really, not all of them--only those who had personal vested interests in doing things their way rather than acknowledging God...such as were in leadership and privilege who were refusing to seek God, themselves...

...well, many didn't recognize Him. And so they wanted Him killed. Because He was doing things which stirred the people up from under their control. Doing things like preaching a kingdom of humility and service and love and persecution, preaching that those who love God will submit to Him and seek to love Him more and walk in step with Him. To abide in Him, moreover. Because, as He put it--apart from Him, we can do nothing (good). He pleaded and rebuked. And He healed those who were impossible to heal. Paralytics. Lepers. The paralyzed. The blind. The dead. He raised the dead twice during His brief walk amongst us as open-professor of truth. Prior to raising Himself from the dead, that is.

He called God His Father. Making Himself thus equal to God, God the Son. And by the Spirit of God which came to dwell with Him upon His open commencement of public service, He healed many both spiritually and physically. Cast out many demons, too. Which...in the Western world isn't as much a thing: much easier to hide in plain sight, when everyone's too distracted by self-importance and busyness to care about reality, after all...

But at the name of Jesus, they do all still tremble--here, there, wherever. As should we.
And when He speaks, they submit. Still. As should we.

The Son of God, incarnate God. The servant of God, Son of God. By the Spirit of God, God as man walked amongst us and enacted and parabolized and pleaded truth to us, that we would return to Him.  And it's all on record now, that His call would continue to go out through the ages.

He who was the only never to turn astray from perfect good and perfect order then submitted Himself to enduring our consequence for having strayed from both. For the sins of the world He died.

That all who believe in Him and trust in Him would be forgiven, healed, reconciled to God. Made new creatures. Incomprehensible, yet true.

He revealed these things. Systematically. Over the centuries. Even as having ordered there to be representations of so much of all the truth encoded in creation, itself--even in the very fabric of our beings.

And He didn't stay dead, is the thing. No one else in the history of time has ever resurrected themselves. Search the records. Chase the rabbit trails. Especially if you're internationally mobile. Like Lee Strobel or Josh McDowell--though, the extent to which they were physically able to investigate is unknown to me. The premise is the same--extensively seek truth. Search it out.

Of all the things worth knowing, then God is the utmost. Especially as He can be known. Personally.

Naught else compares.

Mercy for the Wretched

Learning so many things. Largely regarding my own insufficiencies and wretchedness, apart from God's grace.

I still desperately want to be able to construct flowcharts sufficient to prescribe proper action.
I still desperately want to perceive my understanding as sufficient to gauge what is right and good.
I still cling erroneously to the notion that I know what love is, per my own conceptions and experiences and interpretations of God's ways and wisdom and created order.

But He's been increasingly allowing me to see the utmost need for His guidance moment by moment in all things, such as to fail to know else except to turn to Him in prayer and seek out His Word, that by His Spirit He'll make straight the path before me. This, regarding some Everest-style circumstances, as goes interpersonal relationships. And corporate relationships. And professional relationships. And life. Daily.

I have failed for many months. A year? Utterly. At consistency and diligence. All the more to have appreciation for His mercy toward me, where comes His guidance, deliverance, and preservation. I say this somewhat tongue-in-cheek, as not meaning whatsoever what once I may have--I do not in any capacity despair of life, I am not in any capacity any longer (in the present moment, at least--this battle is still one waged regularly) despising myself...but merely say this in terms of what it is to stand before an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, wholly good Creator God who sustains me, whom I have utterly been defiant of and despised per my actions again and again: I do not deserve life. Nor peace. Nor kindness. Nor mercy. Nor health. I deserve consequence adequate to the egregious wrongs I've done against Him who so love me as to know me in my mother's womb and love me, even there.

We all deserve such.

And yet His love is so much that, instead, He came in the flesh to walk amongst us and endure that righteous consequence of wrath, Himself. Satisfied my debt. Our debt. Into death. And overcame even death. Resurrected. That all who come to Him in truth will receive mercy rather than the consequence due us.

This is unfathomable. Incomprehensible.

He is trustworthy. Above all. As none else could ever be.

This God. This One God. This Only God.

He is trustworthy. For no matter how dire our circumstances, no matter how deep our despair, no matter how severe our suffering--and there are some beyond utterance--He is trustworthy, in the midst, as He endured and endures with us while yet continuing to extend the offer of mercies untold. Every day, mercies. Beyond measure.

One of the evangelists whom the Lord has been gracious to me through has discussed the difference between man's mercies and God's mercies as considering what one would face in a human court of law. Go before the judge with a few transgressions of the law having been confirmed by officers, and if it's a first offense perhaps the judge will have mercy. Yet, go again in a year with 100 of the same offenses, no matter how grieved you may be to have committed the same the judge is going to throw the book at you, so to speak: you will swiftly encounter consequence as pronounced by the judge.

But, of God? All the more treacherous and despicable are our deeds, in that higher court, as against perfect law, perfect justice, perfect good--and yet, if we come before Him knowing our guilt and embracing the truth of it openly...not rejoicing but contrite...come to Christ Jesus and He will have mercy. Having already paid the debt, Himself. Again and again. And all the more grieved are we, when this is the case--to love Him is to loathe the sin for which He sacrificed Himself to atone the consequence. And yet He forgives.

And even those who don't come, contrite, He is long-suffering toward primarily.
Rain falling upon the just and the unjust, even as the sun shines on both.

We humans aren't nearly so merciful.

All the more dire and grievous when those we love, whom He loves, wander. We must pray for one another. And speak loving words of truth to one another, prayerfully seeking reconciliation with truth. Even as, all the while, our utmost allegiance is to Christ--so, too, do we love those whom He loves.

Yet honoring God, first.

I am piecing through some things which are very grievous and trying, still, and may write openly. He will guide and guard, surely, as I continue to press on toward Christ Himself. Yet these are matters which have been wrestled with deeply and painfully for the past few years.

Just a Moment

Lord willing, there will be time here again sometime in the nearish future. So many minor, yet compelling changes lately, plus so many heavy contemplations, have held my attention and efforts elsewhere.

He continues to keep me, without regard to my constant failures and insufficiencies. Or rather, maybe that really is the course, as Jesus said He did come to seek and to save that which was lost. That those who were blind might have sight, just as the dead would live at the sound of His voice.

Constantly, I'm reminded of my inability to do right or be good enough in my own strength. I'm plagued by realizations of my own brusqueness, impatience, and uncaring nature--but only with simultaneous arising of a longing to be made over in these areas, as one who is gentle, patient, and loving. So to be more like Him. Charitable of spirit, thought, and deed.

To be less self-consumed--that is the grief and desire of my heart. Yet, longing to be thus while without departure from truth--not to seek to care as the world cares, with a view only to promoting others' self-indulgences in pursuit of pleasures and esteem...but caring as He cares.

Regardless, point being is there's been a lot of time given to deeper realization of my own natural (i.e., fallen) nature's opposition to God and godliness--and, moreover, the inability to be godly except that it be His work, in effect and per instance by His Spirit. He is able.

Considering Revision and the Necessity of Discernment

I have been in prayer for the past couple months about whether to completely rework the intro pages here. And am still unsure.

On the one hand, it's really concerning that many linked materials are to strange or false doctrines. And although there is the reminder that we have to each test all things and seek God's guidance, by His Holy Spirit and Word, to discern whether teachings, spirits, or howsoever else are from God or from the spirit of man, or even from another sort spirit... 

...although there's the reminder of the need for testing and discerning God's will, still it's concerning to me that there are linked materials which I now know--per a greater familiarity with His Word and ways, per a clearer sight of what defiance constitutes and what honoring a loved one entails...

...there are materials linked which I am entirely convicted are of demonic doctrines.

And that's concerning. Because it's no small matter to consider that others could in any way be led astray by my erstwhile meanderings (which the Lord so graciously recovered me from, despite me).

On the other hand, there's awareness that standing testimony of His power to deliver into truth is revealed in my prior ease of proclaiming such weirdness and deviance as to constitute "helps."

Which...even prior to the strangenesses linked, He delivered me from witchcraft. Which part of the deliverance was a slowly blossoming awareness of the wretchedness of these not-unrelated ideologies.

God, alone, knows why such deliverance was gradual and not all at once. He, alone, knows why. Large parts entailed my incredulity at being so self-deceived--surely the things I considered to be so beneficial to me and "to others" were just fine and redeemable: Had He not had mercy on me and let me see that the thoughts and ideologies and practices I'd continued engaging in weren't loving or honoring to Him (but were, in fact, destructive and defiling), I'd still be caught up in seeking to institute my own will and authority based on deluded assumption that calling such practices according to Scriptural names (like...regarding them as "merely" constituting a "different means" of practicing discernment, words of knowledge, prophecy, etc--different, specifically as generated per self-will and self-understood-intent) sufficed as unto their "redemption" as "godly practices."

Witchcraft is witchcraft, though, no matter what it uses to try to justify itself--just as "rebellion is as witchcraft," so is witchcraft a rebellion of will and pursuit of one's own intentions and understanding of what's right and good and acceptable, spiritually.

He has given me that the desire of my heart is to honor Him, now, through submission and waiting upon Him. Even though the desire needs a lot of refining, in my day to day walk--still, I rejoice to be aware of this need and also trust Him for its fulfillment. Because He's faithful. Whenever He's brought me to a point of even being aware of a need as to want it filled, it's been a condition of realizing myself thus empowered to possess the wherewithal to ask Him for forgiveness of whatever-thus-errant-condition is and ask for help as correction of that condition. Because I just can't do it.

Even leaving aside the fact that I can't undo the sins I'd committed which have condemned me to just judgment and wrath (apart from Christ), then even if I were to want to be able to "reform myself," sin has made such a shambles of my sensibilities that it's all I can do just to trust Him to lead me in paths of righteousness. Apart from Him doing so and revealing to me what righteousness is (per His Word and Spirit), I couldn't even recognize sufficient to undertake...and in desiring to undertake in my own strength, again and again, weird inclinations to glory in my own strength arise all the while (as unto self-righteousness) such that the efforts are contaminated along the way. Except that He continually give grace and redemption. Unto dependence upon Him for guidance in all things.

That kind of constitutes a major distinction between worldly religious practices and turning to God through Christ:

Every other religious pursuit builds people up in their estimation of abilities to be able to do righteousness through a process of learning why and how to think and act appropriately--through concerted exertion of effort and will. Thus power to accomplish righteousness ultimately remains and rests in the hands of the proselyte, and eventually the disciple may become a "master" through attaining to higher understanding of how to practically apply the ideologies espoused, and through pragmatic application.

Whereas, coming to know Christ more deeply is coming to more deeply realize one's need for constant direction. He makes us partakers of His nature, ever to bring us to a point of deeper yielding to His will, ever unto a greater reverence and trust for His guidance. The deeper the love for and reliance upon His Word, the deeper the yielding to His Spirit, the more pervasive the rest in His will, the more wholehearted the rejoicing in His ways. Unto whatever difficulties, therein submitting only more deeply to Him. Unto walking through the fire untouched by the flames (spiritually speaking).

Jesus, Himself, said that He did nothing of Himself. He did as the Father has done, speaking as was given Him to speak. He was obedient, not striving for some sort of independent mastery. And everything He did was predicated upon His entering creation--He divested Himself, in humility, and did not exalt Himself as God, did not demand obeisance of all and sundry, while walking amongst us. Rather, He castigated those who sought recognition and sought to exert authority per their own understanding, thus distinguished as being apart from and actively in opposition to submission to God.

Of these two particular constructs...
Who gets the honor, in each situation? Who is the one which will be esteemed, exalted, and/or glorified?

Who is really being served?

There are so many warnings to beware of false teachers, false prophets, false doctrines, false spirits. Again and again, consideration has come back round to concern over who is being exalted per focus of thoughts and patterns of pursuit. Is pursuit of knowledge of God--not to imitate, but to submit to and thus be led by Him--at the heart of matters?...such that He will be glorified rather than the one who attains imitation. And is Jesus, Himself, glorified as God and Lord of all?...such that He receives all honor, esteem, and praise, rather than His such honor being minimized as would exalt the idea of discipleship.

Thing is...If we don't accept Him for who He is, we don't accept Him. And an unfortunate matter I've wandered across is that wanting to be like Him seems often too near a desire to be Him, in His stead. That was a specific temptation which I dealt with for quite some time: wanting to have power, wanting to exercise His authority, wanting to be exalted alongside Him...all while refusing to consider submitting to Him. And all the while of much of that temptation, I was simultaneously deluding myself to believe I had love and respect for Christ, Himself--despite despising His Godhood and preeminence in all things as essentially rejecting His manifest sovereignty over me.

Problem was I wanted to reign with Him, not be subject to Him. He's been gracious to let the truth come to light.

The problem was--submitting to anyone rankles, when we would rather be exalted, glorified, worshipped...or even just honored, accepted, and respected.

But it's evil to likewise despise Christ's authority. He is our Creator. We are His to do with as He wills. We can't make ourselves His equal. And it's only by submitting to Him and humbling ourselves before Him that He may exalt us. And that in due time--not in our time.

If that's offensive, there's need to seek His help in submitting to truth: I've had to ask help on that account too many times to count. Every time pride seeks to take a stand, again. Which it often does when circumstances become personally trying or even the least bit "unfair."

It's along these lines of reasoning that concern centers regarding materials linked elsewhere--many contain a lot of stuff that presumes to teach how to come to a deeper, higher experience of God and authority, according to attaining a particular type of understanding of Him. But there's no formula for getting Him to exalt us in due time. There's just God's work, His Word, His Spirit: We seek Him. As we seek Him, we find Him. As we draw near to Him, He draws near to us. But even all that is predicated on Him. We defiantly haven't the sense to seek Him, except that He incite the effort. No man comes to the Son except it he be drawn to do so by the Father, Jesus said.

So, effectively--we're the ones who complicate matters, ever wanting to bring everything into subjection to our own understanding. On which count--He's so gracious that He has given us a whole Bible full of Himself-revelatory information. So many things therein, including a character study of both God and of man, so as to have some amount of reasonable understanding of His ways and clarification of our own (if openly, honestly assessed and pursued with sincere desire to simply know truth).

His Word is enough for us, ever per His Spirit's leading. And yet, He's still been even more gracious to also give us one another in the Body--by His Spirit and Word, to build one another up in truth, to testify to one another of His faithfulness each to each, to exhort, edify, commend, reprove, and encourage in truth...with love. And so many things. We just have to test all things, for none of us is without error: If anyone claims to be without sin, he's a liar and doesn't know God. Or, at least that's what John wrote.

So many things to read and peruse and wonder at, in so many places--some of which is incontrovertibly defiant of God, some of which is controvertibly so (perhaps the most dangerous, many having shreds of truth intermixed unto somewhat palatability), and some of which legitimately and primarily glorifies Him. I'm going to continue to pray about what to do, and for the time and energy to do so.

May He guide us each into a greater love for Him and others and greater desire to know Him and His ways. May He give us each a great and uncompromising (firm, yet gracious and gentle) love of truth...before Himself and in the midst of the world.

Edit: Didn't take as long as I'd been making it out to be. 

Songs: I Stand Amazed (How Marvelous), O Come to the Altar

He is wonderful. He is risen. 

He is Lord of all.

He is faithful. Jesus is so faithful. Hallelujah! 

I fail Him and others countless times a day--choosing to do things which gratify myself rather than seeking to love (and thus honor) Him and others. Love does not seek it's own. 

Walking that out goes against everything in me which is of the flesh and of worldly understanding: The mere thought of forsaking my own understanding (again and again) of the way things need to be: forsaking seeking self-preservation, forsaking seeking to justify and defend myself...forsaking seeking to navigate my way through this world...

...leaves my skin crawling, so to speak. And creates utter discomfort and indignation, even to consider. Because everything of worldly understanding which yet persists tries to overwhelm me with the lie that unless I seek my own way, according to my own understanding--doing what is right in my own eyes, according to what I "see" and "understand" of the world, life, others, and self--I will find myself bereft of all things needful and utterly downcast and trodden underfoot. 

But that's just a lie. 

God's word says that those who trust in Him will not be ashamed. 

And that Christ is sufficient--whether enduring feast or famine.

And that those who wait upon the Lord will find their strength renewed.

And those who run to Him will find refuge, deliverance, wisdom, strength, and all things needful.

His word tells me I am to trust in Him with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding.

And that I am to walk by faith in Him--trusting Him, because I know of Him and His ways, to lead me. In paths of righteousness, even--for His name's sake, He leads us thusly. 

His Word tells me that He knows my every need. And that I have only to ask, because He knows already. And that which is most needful is for me to seek first His kingdom and righteousness, that I may find Him and be filled. 

He tells me that I am to purchase from Him food and drink, without money. 

And seek Him for wisdom and to be clothed in righteousness. And also that He would refine my faith, which is more precious than gold. 

He tells me that He has taken me up, and that those whom He has taken up He will carry. Even to the end of my days--to gray hairs and incapacitation of age. 

Jesus tells me that it is more blessed to give than to receive. 

And that I am to forgive. And plead reconciliation. And His Word lets me know that I am to bear with others in love. And, with great care, seek to bring back to truth those who have gone astray--to reprove and edify in truth, with love. 

His Word tells me that, of all things, I am to be led of His Spirit. For His children do walk by His Spirit, and are no longer enslaved to sin and the flesh. 

His Word tells me that I am to love Him with everything I am--above all things, He is to be my treasure all the days of my life. And that as He has given His life so that I may have life, giving me a heart of flesh so as to love Him...then, too, am I to give my life to Him. His Word tells me I am to walk as a living sacrifice unto Him. Loving Him and others. Seeking to do His will. The Father's will. 

Even as my Savior did. 

That although I may not understand so many things. And though I may despair to see a deeper glimpse of the wretched darkness of my own heart. Having thus a clearer portrait of quite how hopeless a cause it is to presume I could know even how to pursue good in my own strength, by my own understanding. Then, by His mercies still I am saved, day by day. 

Resting in the finished work of my Lord and my God--Jesus Christ, God incarnate, God the Son. He came, He submitted unto death, He lay down His life, He suffered the wrath of God due me, He satisfied my debt of sin, becoming a curse for me...He entered death, that thusly entering He would overcome sin, death, and the grave. He overcame the world. He defeated death. And brought into subjection all the powers of this world. All of them. He arose. Praise God, He arose!

Death did not defeat Him. He arose. Life, incarnate. The Word of God, in the flesh. Jesus Christ arose from death--He left His grave. 

His death is my death. He took it for me. That His life would be my life. By grace, believed. 

So, I trust Him. He draws me back, again and again, from the brink of collapse and utter compromise. Ever to a pleading with Him to restore me, to restore feeling in my heart and love for Him and others. To restore sight, as to see and know truth. And asking Him for greater depths of each--so to glory in Him and rejoice in Him in the midst of a sea of loathing. Yet buttressed from within by His Spirit's yielding a steadfast remembrance of the truth of His sovereignty. Ever bringing to mind all that which He has said and of His faithfulness to me. 

He is worth every moment of pain. He is worth every uncertainty endured. Knowing Christ is worth all and everything which could be asked. 

And the truth of the matter is--even prior to submitting and surrendering to the truth of who Jesus Christ is, and of my need for His forgiveness and direction, there was only numbness, despair, desolation, pain, and ever-faltering moments of hollow resolve. Nothing which constituted my life's hope and direction, prior to submitting to the guidance and deserved wrath of God (meted through and resolved upon Christ, my God), had substance. It was all just so much "smoke and mirrors"--shifting sands under my feet, even as the tide of society's favor shifted from one purported foundation for security unto another. From family to fame to professional success--each to each, shifting so much as to indicate only falsity of hope (as made apparent yesterday by a couple blessed sisters' discussions of this latter concept). 

They were so astute to note that in a world which has no ultimate standard, nothing is substantial: So, the only hope is seeking for a true, lasting standard by which to live.

His Words endure. His Word endures. 

He reigns.  

Relationships, Sin, and Shame

Three main areas being dealt with right now:

Relationships
Self-Indulgence
Shame

Which, maybe that's always the focus, just in varied ways? Regardless, these have been the points of surrender and instruction with the Lord, most recently. Sometimes that's a little more clearly recognized than at other times.

Along the line of relationships so much idolatry, grief, injury, and confusion is being addressed. Regarding family, especially. There's been so much injury and untruth perpetuated between all parties, yet ongoing. The social dynamic revolves around various sorts of manipulations--unawares, though, is the point of grief: Compulsive, habitual. Which all is neither healthy nor God-honoring.

So the largest concern has been regarding what love looks like, in such circumstance. How can I love without condoning sin, without exalting sin, without entering freely in to situations where sin would knowingly have free reign and influence--especially when merely interacting has continually been interpreted as agreement on all fronts, and when my words have many times been twisted against their meanings entirely (particularly to dispel conviction of the Holy Spirit, which is particularly grievous to have been noted). The latter of this all seems a natural consequence of the way I used to interact, prior to coming to know Christ--I was adept at comforting people at the expense of their consciences and truth. Whatever the emotional ailment, I could find a way to rationalize things as acceptable or at the very least, rationalize it as acceptable not to accept guilt. I was adept at dispelling truth and doing away with notions of guilt, and rationalizing every sort of wickedness as justifiable.

So to see the fruits of that former lifestyle now holding sway in interactions? Such that either my words are being utterly massacred to serve the former (thus still expected) desires for false comfort...or are being interpreted to mean I'm now demon possessed and insane (the two things I've been told were discussed within family as reasons for my change of being)...

...to see all that and wonder how to not knowingly continue to support defiance against God?

...in itself, seems a paradoxical consideration given how sin so often is still given reign in my own flesh.

I'm tempted to believe there'd be less conflict regarding withdrawal from fellowship, if family concerns were just more blatantly a matter of overt witchcraft or physical sexual exploitation. But that just isn't so. I fell back into fellowship with word-of-faith teaching fairly readily when desperation for the Lord set in while attending my previous church--this, despite having been convicted that word-of-faith teaching is witchcraft. So, I still rationalized going back to it, despite knowing it's demonic doctrine--doctrine which exalts humanity to a level of "godhood" which isn't warranted by Scriptures, which attempts to use Scripture as a tool to manipulate God into indulging human covetousness for earthly stability, health, and prosperity.

Despite knowing how wrong, how wicked, I still went back. And still...still consider it the lesser of evils, in ways--I'm grateful the Lord used that wickedness on my part to extract me from the sway held over me at the other church. Though I'm grieved to note my wickedness in falling prey to staying from Him by wandering into both places.

None of us is above falling prey to demonic doctrines, false teachings, antichrists, except that He restrains or delivers.

Which lattermost is the point that's so paradoxical--finding myself in a position of seeing and lamenting what it would cost (of sin and encouraging sin) to re-enter fellowship with my family, while yet seeing myself incapable of refraining from sin, of walking by the Spirit as to overcome sin...except that He restrains me, changes me, and extends continuous grace so to do and be kept.

I'm not above anything being done anywhere. I'm not beyond faltering into the greatest depths of wickedness. I do not want to so falter, but even that is a work of His grace. So, except that He keeps me and delivers me...I would, this very moment, still be wholly content to wander from distraction to distraction as has been done (to increasing damage to my walk with the Lord) for the past year and some--rationalized as to "manage" pain and also at times still to "fit in." I'd probably be walking around Walmart right now, looking at potential, needless purchases. Or eating somewhere. Rather than being humbled by the gratitude of realizing His mercy upon me, yet again, and humbled to remain in awareness of my desperate need for His continued keeping lest I fall right back again.

So even as I cannot keep myself from sin, the thing of the all of my relationships--of family, of friends, of all of my human interactions (broken and haphazard and unwell as they all still are: at least, as any degree endeavored apart from Christ's constant leading)--is that I can't do it. I just can't. My parents told me, when I was in kindergarten, that the word "can't" was a four-letter-word and had no place in my vocabulary. But they were wrong.

I can't do life or relationships without Christ's constant help: I need Him to help with each of even the least bits of every aspect of interaction. And especially in as much as I'm still so fleshly as to be overcome by emotional or sexualized interactions so to falter into anxiety, depression, despair, et al--then all the more has He evidenced that there is no hope for interaction of any sort except that each and every instant be consciously an act of surrendered, loving obedience to Christ...awaiting His direction and help and love, so to be and do as is good. I can't work that out, though--can't manifest it.

But He can.

And...He's brought me to despair of my patent inability in all these matters, increasingly, just so as to surrender to my abject need of Him, all the more. In each and every instance. Each and every moment. For every word. Though imperfectly lived, no less the truth. And I'm at His mercies for help in this.

All of which...has been the case. But this is still more, somehow.
Before, so much interaction was a matter of terrified desperation--even to be able to interact sincerely was to desperately cry out for Jesus to help, each moment, or otherwise be contorted and destroyed by fear. Because walking with Christ means no longer having been able to perpetuate the lies and facades that once allowed me to pretend interaction with any degree a semblance of ease (except for brief moments of faltering, still).

So, there's that...of relationship things.

And there are bits and pieces of the evidences of self-indulgence interspersed along the way of that contemplation. Giving into distraction, letting my heart be turned to try to find succor other than Jesus. And being contorted and influenced by the fear of man has been an underlying theme, thereabouts.

I have strayed, though. Which seems a continual thing. He is gracious to use my need for redemption to exalt His faithfulness and His love and His mercies toward me, again and again--bringing back to a deeper point of acknowledging the depths of my depravity and recklessness, of the flesh, of the danger of turning my eyes from Him. Of so many things. But mostly to see His mercies, to despair of my ineptitude, and to rejoice anew in His faithfulness and how blessed it is to be forgiven and kept by Christ.

None of us are exempt from faltering. I had thought myself above faltering due to the depth of my appreciation and love for Him, though unspoken, at the outset of walking with Him. I had believed and even asked Him that I would never falter from pursuing Him wholeheartedly--unto greater and greater surrender and love. But again and again, self-indulgence has won out by way of physical comforts or pleasures and idolatry of man.

But we can't serve two masters. Period. My heart cannot be both given to constantly craving new, shiny, pretty things (no matter how "cheap" or inexpensive) and wholly exulting in Christ's fellowship. My heart cannot simultaneously seek to unceasingly thrill on distraction after distraction of information about social developments or new technologies or popular trends or scientific discoveries or whatsoever else and wholeheartedly revel in pursuing new depths of realization of Christ's (which is to say, our God's) majesty and glory. My heart cannot simultaneously give itself to deeply desiring and attempting to sate itself upon tangible, fleshly, worldly indulgences while also maintaining a taste for, a deep thirst for, and ever continually striving to drink of the living waters of God. No matter how innocuous any tangible "indulgences" may seem--bit by bit, or at a time--if, as, and when they amount to becoming a desire which outcries my heart's longing for God, Himself, and fellowship with Him through His Spirit...I have fallen into sin. (Listened to a sermon yesterday--Piper, maybe?...or Keller?...or maybe this one?--discussing the root word origin for something related to sin--or, actually, I think it was temptation?--something about how it has to do with excessive desire...)

And I have fallen into sin. Or had again, and He is only now just bringing me through the gift and ability of repentance. It seems. I hope.

I despaired for months (between intermittent posts) over my inability to even want to do what I wanted to want to do. I despaired of having reached a point of hard-heartedness as that I could no longer want to do right (to draw near to the Lord, more specifically), but only saw further desire for self-indulgence, entertainment, and distraction from reality in my heart. And it's not as though sin has been completely stricken from me, even now. But now I do increasingly long for it to be, at least, where a week ago still there was only a minor desire...and a week prior to that, nothing but indulgent deadness except for brief moments of His quickening.

There is still great need to return to a regular course of fasting, which is as unto subjecting the body (in non-life-threatening ways--as to honor and seek after God, not test Him) to spiritual seeking. Fasting is only possible for me when the Lord gives strength to do so, is all. I find myself incapable of mustering the strength to even desire to do it, even--except to know the need of it and to remember the nearness to Christ embraced by such a forcible flinging of my all upon Him in subjection and need for His strength. Even if doing so as pleading with Him for help and for faith and in prayer of other matters. Or just for His help and nearness in general, like as needs now (though there are so many specific matters that I cast on Him for mercy).

The course of fasting is between Him and me, though. He will work out the ways and means with each and every one of us, as He calls. For all I know, fasting from the internet for a week might require just as much grace and empowerment from God for some others as it would for me to fast from solid foods for the same span.

The thing is, I cannot force Him to help me with these things. And even with fasting--that does not obligate Him in any way. If He gifts repentance, if He gifts grace to bring the flesh into subjugation to the spirit per fasting or any means--it's grace, alone. His grace is not something earned, negotiated for, nor warranted. Otherwise it wouldn't be grace. Like Paul was saying--if you work for a wage, then the wage isn't grace, it's something you are due. But we don't and cannot work for grace. Because God's grace isn't earned. Just as His mercy isn't earned.

Moses got the word straight up, on that count, and Paul recounted it too--God said He will have mercy on whomever He will have mercy on. Moses asked Him why some people received mercy, and that's what God responded. Period. And Isaiah wasn't the only one to be given to discuss what it is to question the Maker about such matters as His will for us--in terms of declaring the absurdity of any potsherd daring to question or remark against the Potter as to what He's forming. Again, Paul recounted this, too.

So, all the more, when I have faltered and seen my own willfulness and sinfulness apart from His continual deliverance and strength...it is deeply humbling to know that there is nothing except His grace which restores me and yields repentance and surrender and seeking of Him.

And maybe that's why He has allowed me to fall so many times, already--pride is dashed when it's shown to be a lie. Seeing my own proclivity for sin and my own failures and my fallibility...and being restored only after much pleading with Him (while being made aware, the while, that I wouldn't even be aware as to plead except that He had already had mercy)...drives home my powerlessness and subjugation to His will. Necessary and increasingly glad subjugation to His will, as it were. Especially knowing His will is good.

And because there's nothing apart from Him that satisfies. Everything else only feeds in such a way as actually increases the unholy desires being fed: indulgence is unto a more consuming desire for greater indulgence, ever increasing. Not satiety. But whereas the desire for Christ and feasting upon Him does also reap a greater desire for a love of Him, this is unto greater peace and joy (and all the complex fruit of His Spirit--engendering personal fulfillment and satisfaction) while the indulgence of self (of sin) reaps a continual unrest, disappointment, unease, depression, anxiety, despair, and desperation for increased diversification and depth of such distractions. Maybe some people plateau, on the latter? Maybe some people are content at a certain level of indulgence and just stay there, and just bear with the unrest and relative lack of fulfillment in life--yet calling it enough? But that is still emptiness. Solomon called it all vanity.

I don't want to continue with such vanity. It's false at core, especially considering that our created order and design is to seek, to love, to glorify, and to fellowship with our very Creator--the God of all the universe! Seriously. There's no comparison. Especially not having tasted and known/realized/acknowledged/embraced/loved the goodness of His love--nothing else suffices. Nothing can compare.

So. I can't keep myself from faltering, though. I can't manage to prevent myself from wandering. I have continually strayed from Him--even calling it good intentioned, at times, like as with attendance at the previous church. Which was a second instance whereby was evidenced my tendency to want to live my walk with Christ through the lens of others' perceptions of truth, That has not proved helpful, again and again--being told what to do, how to believe, what to expect, and how to interact with God...has numerous times, now, been my Achilles' heel for faltering into sin beginning with such idolatry of man. This temptation has especially been overwhelming when coming from people whom I have believed to be walking closely with the Lord, and especially when provided in terms of what I "need to do" and how I "need to be" as to be godly. Rather than being directed to Jesus Christ, Himself, that is.

The first such major faltering was amongst my own family.
Then amidst a church which prides itself on especially sound doctrine.
And most recently faltering has been beside another family.

All of which has been my sin. I have only indulged what was latent in my own flesh. Merely, circumstantial factors were used in each instance to rationalize giving into sin and turning from Christ. Peer pressure, and I submitted against the Lord's leading. Esteeming the opinions of others more than God's regard. Desiring approval and inclusion by others more than the loving fellowship of Christ. And I still falter, much to my grief. And my own faltering....well, the thing is--I don't know whether the ones whom I was beside perhaps may be well in their faith, as they stand? And perhaps I'm just not at liberty within my own faith to do the things others do. Thing is, they led the willing, as it goes. I didn't stray entirely against my will. I indulged temptation, rather, in turning to others to be God for me. To be present with me in His stead. Rather than to still long after Him with grief and sometimes joy. But with separation, still, and much efforts. It feels easier sometimes to seek solidarity with others, to seek meaning in fellowship, rather than continue to strive after God while yet in fellowship--needing to continue to test all things.

So, yeah. That's not just a passive idolatry of man. In my heart, I wanted others to be present in His stead. As Him, in a way. To quell the yearning for His nearness. Rather than continue to seek. To be told, rather than need still to draw nearer Him to listen. To have a visible companion, rather than to tune my heart to relish His presence and the fellowship of His Spirit.

That doesn't work, of seeking others to be in His stead. I've heard the following said, and it's true: there's no such thing as second-hand Christianity. You can't inherit a relationship with Christ.

So, then, neither can you take part in one with Him by-proxy. It's one-on-one or it's nothing at all. God and man--each to each. We will each one of us stand or fall before Him on the final day. And the same goes for now, as salvation and walking with Him goes.

There are no excuses, on that point.

And as shame goes, too--I stand or fall before the Lord.

Truth of the matter is, there are things I've done which are deeply shameful. There are aspects of who I yet am, awaiting Christ's return and my full deliverance--things which I battle regularly before the Lord--which are shameful. I would not speak of them in any but the Lord's company, except He gives leave to do so. And of a truth, I am guilty.

He knows this. He knows these things. And Jesus Christ gave his life to pay my debt, to atone for my sins, and to cover my shame. This is not something that gives me leave to exalt myself, but rather to cast all I am upon Him in surrender and gratitude--crying for mercy, finding His grace sufficient even for me, rocked to the depths of my soul with amazement at His kindness and love, humbled in gratitude for the gift He has given...a gift I could never earn nor deserve, so that much more cherished.

How wonderful He is. How beautiful is Jesus's love for us, that He would give His own life to atone for our sins...while we yet hated Him and spurned His love with our every willful breath. Yet in mercy He came. And died, becoming our sacrifice. And overcame death, becoming our life.

In Him we live and move and have our being, indeed. He isn't far from us. He came, that He would be found and His mercies embraced.

There's so much lately about needing to know the need of a savior, as to ever be saved. Otherwise, there's no desire for salvation. As with the Pharisees, who believed their own version of righteousness was sufficient, especially given that it was based upon Scriptures and their diligence and utmost desire to be complicit to God's Word. They believed they had accomplished what they had set out to do, per devout attentions. That is a deep warning to us all. If the very people of God, entrusted with His own Word, could so fail to know Him and fail to attain His salvation...despite being born into their stature and raised on the Word...

...how much more easily will we fail to know His salvation? It is not by works, but by faith.
Though faith which produces no works isn't faith. If we abide in Him, we will bear fruit. Period. By faith. Abiding in Him. Not apart from Him.

But what are we commanded? We are to love God, with everything we are. If we do love Him, then we will obey Him...out of love. Period. And obedience which isn't borne of love--it isn't obedience, it's moralizing, devoid of life.

So what is the work? Do justice, love mercy, walk humbly with God. Love God. Love others. A love arisen naturally out of love for Him, or not love at all. Love is not devoid of emotions. Love is the highest of them all. And even as compassion is a depth of pity which is so charged with emotion that it engenders action, then so is love which is of God a love which drives us to act.

So what are works, then? If we are to love Him. And love others as He has loved us all, that we may be perfect as He is perfect...

What is it, but to cast all we are? To cry for mercy? To know our need of change and our inability to muster even the desire for love? And cast this all on Him, continually, until He answers?

He does Answer. Granted, He also is the answer... =) ...but He does answer. It's not something contrived, not something we can conjure us.

Like as with my brain injury--I can (less now than at the outset) remember what it was like, slightly, to be able to think in certain ways. I remember what it was to be able to do math well, for one. But I am abjectly incapably of forcing my mind into that way of being. It doesn't do it the same way, now. Math used to be fun and easy. Theorems made sense. It just stuck. Doesn't now. I can't change my brain. Even having spent a long while recuperating to the point of being able to do sums again, my brain still doesn't function as it did.

Similarly, I cannot and we--none of us--cannot change our hearts. We might remember what it has meant to feel something at some point. We might lament feeling something we do feel, even. But though we can manipulate by delving into distraction after distraction, we cannot actually alter the consistency and ability of our hearts to muster emotion and love for God and one another. And anything we do to try to muster something of "good" effectively is only false, arisen from machinations that are of mixed mettle and motive. But He can change our hearts. And He does. And He will, if we ask Him. Continually. Don't stop asking until He answers. Doesn't matter if you can't even feel to desire to truly want the change--He can do that, too. And it's not that He answers because He's obligated to by anything on our part. No, He's just told us that He will be found by us if we seek Him. He's told us He'll answer. We may not know when or how or in what way, but He has told us that He will do so if we seek Him with all our heart--even knowing we have to depend on Him for the mettle to be able to do so, then still also crying out for help on that count. He will answer. He does.

Just don't stop seeking. Don't stop striving after Him. All the world wants to consume us, our very flesh wants to consume itself unto death, and the forces of wickedness would have us crushed for the mere sake of seeing another image bearer of God demolished...but we have shelter and help in God. He is who He has said He is and will do as He has said. We cannot and do not have to attempt to manipulate Him into doing so. He does as He wills, and it has been His will to reveal Himself to us through His Word, and to reveal His ways. And to reveal that He is faithful and does look for opportunity to show Himself strong on behalf of those who trust in Him. This may not always look like what we would prefer, and it's certainly not without pain and persecution. But the peace and joy of knowing Him...

...of having peace with God, though Jesus Christ--God's own son, God incarnate...

...is above all treasures.

I am grateful He has been merciful to me. May He lavish mercies on you, too. Christ's peace and grace be with you, whoever and wherever you are.

All of which is a long bit of rambling. But these are the recent things He's been working on, in me. There are so many facets to each. So many long-suppressed realities which He's been bringing into subjection to truth. So many griefs and fears. And the longings of my heart, all again arisen to be surrendered.

He is a faithful Friend. Christ is the best friend I have ever had...even despite all my wanderings.

Trust: Through the Valley

Walking by faith is a trial of faith, in itself: Dependent upon trust in the One in whom faith rests. Do I trust Him enough to take Him at His word that He'll never leave nor forsake me? Do I trust Him and know who and how He is well enough to be able to keep in mind, or at least periodically remember, that all things work to good to those who are called? And do I trust Him to remind me, even as I forget so easily and so frequently, of the "Egypt" from which He delivered me--through impossibility and though death sought to hold sway, time and again? Do I trust Him to bring the things which He's said to remembrance, when I'm too far gone to have strength or wherewithal to even recognize the need to remember Him?

Do I trust His motives? Do I trust His means? Do I trust Him? ...enough to be led, though all others might reject and scoff, or spurn and cast off...or even simply just forget me, along course of my pursuit of Christ? Do I trust Him to convict me of sin and righteousness? And to work out the salvation He'd begun in me unto completion--having bought with His own blood the right to do so at His own pace and according to His own perfect wisdom?

Do I trust Jesus, my Lord and my God, to perfect my faith through trials? Various trials. Even ones which seem unlike trials, for being so very internal--for, as now, being so much concentric the notions of worldliness and devotion?

That is the question, though. Do I trust Him. Do you?

It helps that He reminds me of where He's brought me--out from death, out from worldly hedonism (which was unto despair, personally), out from abject desolation of meaningless. He delivered me out of the pits of hell on earth--self-instituted, as pursuing fulfillment earnestly and doggedly, but according to carnal understanding. I had gone deeper and deeper into despair, into meaninglessness. Empty on all sides and increasingly bereft of the will or ability to do anything. Blessedly incapacitated in God's direction.

He gave me hope by reminding me that there's deliverance and life in Himself which I had no means of attaining apart from Him. He gave me life by drawing me into His own death. Seeing Him as He is, for even a moment at a time, and being granted the gift of repentance per being permitted to see the truth of my own wretchedness and sin. Sin for which He suffered, so to deliver me. What despair, to realize anything of the cost of my waywardness...as unto His suffering and death. My Lord and savior, the Blessed One who is abjectly Beloved...that He would suffer at any cause...  ...inconceivable. And to know my guilt, thereof. To witness it. And the same goes for each of us. Our sins are what held Him there, on that cross--not a power, in themselves, but in order to atone for them He endured. Our guilt is manifestly evidenced in and as and by His suffering--Jesus Christ's suffering evidences our culpability. We are guilty of His death. That He would die to atone for our sins, to be the propitiation...the only possible propitiation..

...all the more do we stand condemned if we reject His mercy, there extended publicly for all to see--and recorded and proclaimed publicly for eternity, for all to be drawn.

He did that, despite my wretchedness. Despite my abject...wretchedness is not a strong enough word...He looked on me with love. And suffered and died that I might come to know His mercies. And overcame death and put sin to death in the flesh, that I might join Him in life eternal and be made free...

And except that He had revealed these things by His Spirit, corroboratively revealed (and finally understood) in His Word, I would not know hope, still.

Since that time, though, He's continued to patiently bear with me. And gradually teach me. About Himself. And about myself. Helping me to come to a greater knowledge of truth, banishing the shadows and transforming my mind and healing and renewing my heart. Bit by bit.

He's let me see how He has even redeemed my faltering so often by cultivating empathy and compassion. I'm still so loveless, so selfish, so fractured. But He has done much work, even for there to be possibility of realizing these things as true--prior, blindness was so vast as to prevent awareness of these states of being as the case...and still my heart is relatively insensate to the depths of the depravity which it houses, awaiting further revelation unto further pleadings for mercy and surrender.

Pleading with Him to grant repentance: Trusting that He will, even to have already gifted insight so to (whatsoever weakly) long for a return to Him unto deliverance from grievous sin--which is to plead for repentance. Increasingly this entails pleading to more wholly long for repentance.

He reminds me, though, unto these things. Because I forget. Often.

One of my deepest idolatries has been of the opinions of others. Wanting approval. Wanting acceptance. Wanting accolade (i.e., worship). And it's occurred to me that He has been systematically (and largely without my awareness, whatsoever) confronting and routing this. I would love for it to be completely snuffed out--to be wholly liberated from fear of/worship of others. But all in His time, however He deems best.

Just, right now, part of that process is entailing division of sorts. Primarily from family. And it has been grievous. And difficult to maintain. And I'm still struggling not to revert to grasping or, alternately, blind submission--like as before submitting to Christ's leading. But...

...I do trust Him. And although I don't precisely understand why things are as they are right now. And I certainly have no idea how they'll proceed henceforth--no idea what's next. But I trust Him. And surrender the all into His hands. Because it's utterly beyond me. All of it.

So, I'll just trust Him. And won't be moved, apart from His guidance. Attempted manipulations, otherwise, will all be brought to and left at the foot of the cross. There is no good in seeking me, as though I offered shelter. Christ, Himself, is the only hope. So I will not be party to pretending otherwise. Submitting to Him as God and Lord of all life's details is the only hope for real, lasting peace, even. So I'm heart-sick of being turned to in order to allay convictions by rekindling a false solace per a strange sort of solidarity which absolutely denies and derides truth while exalting physical presence, alone. Such love is very painful. And I'll continue pleading Christ will intervene with them, all while I submit to Him rather than them--if it didn't have to be either Him or them, as at this juncture...so many things would be different. But I will trust Him.

Yet another aspect of the idolatry of others which is currently being addressed is apparently that I still have a humongous tendency to adopt and adapt to the religious (and/or irreligious, as where goes belief that those presenting such are Christ's own) habits of others around me, as part of attempts to "justify myself" publicly per external conformation. There's kind of been a learning curve along this front, too, as goes learning how to walk with the Lord, myself--I falter into seeking to do so, sometimes, by "trying out" what best "works as means of pursuing the Lord" for others...trial and error, attempting what's presented in the lives of others, per their speech and action. Instead of trusting Jesus to lead me, Himself, so long as I just follow Him in my own devotions. So, there's been the matter of learning and relearning that being His is walking with Him, personally, and having to be led of Him, personally. Again and again, I've had to learn this--sometimes He does lead through things brought by others, but I cross over into sin when I start to depend upon the walk other people have with Him and the ways they walk with Him at the expense and to the exclusion of actually turning to Him and heeding Him, independently. It's a fine line which only He can delineate. But...that's the nature of walking with Him.

Put another way, attempting to do things the way others do them and according to what's generally been advised...has not gone well, again. And there's a lot more factored in than just these bits, but the whole has amounted to a vast faltering again. Even to a point of finding myself desiring the world, again, and desiring the things of the world...and amassing things like clothing, again, and other non-essential, worldly goods. Which aren't, in themselves, bad. But my heart has gotten wrapped up in the exchange--and that is sin. If it were feasible to just oust every bit and have that address the matter of my heart's fickleness?...that would be the "easiest" way to correct and handle my faltering--externally speaking, that is. But I cannot change my own heart. I could get rid of everything, again and again, but unless my heart changes too...it wouldn't help.

So, I'm at a loss except to just trust Jesus, while I keep pleading His mercy. I want so much for restoration of the joy of my salvation, a clean heart, a renewed mind. I want so much to set aside all the weirdness again. But He's also letting this be used to allow me to see even more clearly regarding the other pit I tend to fall into--self-congratulatory self-righteousness, in beginning to still gauge myself against other people rather than remaining focused on Him. Even which is still somewhat a pre-emptive defensive move, having heard so many people mocking "super-spiritual" or howsoever else a "type" of Christian which doesn't enjoy the same "liberties" as themselves--being self-congratulatory effectively is a self-exaltation, which would pre-empt those sorts of derisions by having already adopted the stance of being "superior." Which is absurd. We're all equally fallen.

Such realization just further evidences that so much of my faltering has to do with idolizing the opinions and regard of people. Self-idolatry and idolatry of mankind.

So will I trust Christ with all the uncertainty before me and all the pain and with increased knowledge of my desperate situation, desperate for His deliverance and help--a deeper dependence upon Him, realizing more broadly the vastness of my actual ignorance and inability? He asks very gently, even having already prompted remembrance of His trustworthiness and of my love for Him (rekindled per knowing He so deeply loves me).

I do trust Him. And I have surrendered myself into His hands.
I'm scared, admittedly. Everything so far has been impossible, except for His grace.
There's no way of knowing what's to come.

But I know that He knows. And I know that He is my shelter, my shield, my solace, and my sanctuary. In every storm, and even when I haven't the sense to seek shelter--still, He saves me.

So I trust Him. And I will trust Him.

"I sought the Lord and He heard me and delivered me from all my fears..."