Even to speak would be...too much. But I trust the Lord. He has borne and He will carry. He said so. He doesn't birthe us to new life to abandon us to the lions and wolves. Though it sure seems that way, sometimes.
He brought up Elisha, tonight. Of being surrounded entirely by the enemy, seeming utterly lost and overwhelmed. But the truth was revealed. Greater are those who were with them than those against them.
And of Jehoshaphat's battle...where the Lord said it was His own battle, not theirs. That they were to just watch Him fight and watch Him overcome. And the king and his people conferred and appointed singers to precede the army, and when they began to praise the Lord and sing in worship, the Lord acted by overcoming the enemy.
There's no methodology, though. It's not a "if you do this, that's going to happen"-sort of thing. Trying to "invoke" these instances as though the Lord can be manipulated to move in likewise fashion if we entreat Him similarly...isn't a thing. We are to wait on Him, to trust Him utterly...blind to everything going on, deaf to everything we're told...except to see His faithfulness and goodness and truthfulness and to hear His promises and His voice, which is the still, small voice, the one which is just behind us telling us "this is the way, walk in it," and telling us to go to the right or the left.
He says that He will make our darkness as light for us. And something about making straight the path, flattening the mountains, making our steps secure, bringing us into a wide place (one of security and provision), guiding and guarding our steps. And renewing our hearts and transforming our minds.
It's impossible for me, at least, not to be completely overcome and overwhelmed by confusions and fears and griefs and all the many pains there are. I just can't not be overwhelmed. It took extended periods of fasting, which requires a level of dependence on Him that I just can't drum up without His help, not to utterly despair and completely fall prey to all the many temptations to despair, to hurt myself, to completely forsake hope...when things were actively chaotic with my family in 2014 and 2015. And it's not as though there's not still a battle. But I remember who He is more quickly now, in the midst of all-out warfare. By His grace, alone. And by grace, He leads me to a more quick and full surrender in the midst of horrors, now, too. Not as though it's immediate, but He leads to that...and the more horribly things have gone, the greater the terrors, the more deeply He drives home the call and the means of turning to Him wholeheartedly in surrender and dependence and...just waiting, even while pleading with Him.
Someone was talking to me about military training, recently. About the requirement to be able to rapidly assemble and disassemble and reassemble, something of 200 times, one's rifle in the dark...prior to leaving training, entering battle. And same of all the other maneuvers and attacks and defenses that are taught and drilled and honed to a point of unconscious ease.
Because in the midst of terrors and horrors unimaginable, in the midst of trauma beyond comprehension, in the midst of active assault and warfare on every front, from every side, in every way possible...being able to do those things which are necessary to life and to survival must be automatic--both an automatic response and an automatic process unto completion. In the midst of sheer and abject assault, we will have nothing else but those things which are so much a part of us that they arise of their own volition, in response.
Turning to God, as such, is of Him. Our sin-wrecked impulses are ever to turn away from God, from what I read. But He draws, nonetheless. And some do turn. The exact measure of each to each, drawing and response...is a mystery to me. But I know that we love Him because He first loved us. Responsive relationship. Creator unto created.
But turning to Him in the midst of dire assaults...even lamenting...then, still, is of Him. He called His people to reason with Him, to engage in dialogue, to discuss circumstances and have it out in conversation. He basically pleaded with them to at least come and enter such a dialogue with Him, to have it out and unto truth. Truth is what He wants.
He knows our frame. We can't bear up under the pressures, strains, and horrors of life. He knows this. He's walked this world. He's not apart from it, even now. But we weren't meant to walk alone. He bids us come to Him. Whatever the burden. All of them. His yoke is easy, His burden is light.
Our salvation is found in rest. It is written.
The alternative is to strain and struggle in our own paltry strength, to attempt to line things out in ways which make sense to us according to what we know, are aware of, see, and can conceive of possibly occurring. To attempt to plot a course which accounts for the potential pitfalls and challenges, so to maneuver around them in a way which makes sense to us...and as to be better situated to maneuver well through whatever our predicament happens to be.
But we don't know enough about what's going on to be able to adequately plan for potential eventualities. He might permit us that delusion, for howsoever long. But it's a delusion to believe we can plot and plan according to our own understanding of circumstances and even our own understanding of Scripture. There's a vast difference between attempting to apply Scripture to life according to what we think is necessary, versus trusting God to lead in what is good and right and necessary unto our conformity to His image and our obedience in this world. Eisegesis vs. exegesis. And it seems as though there's a lot of confusion on that distinction, regarding where the work of Christ's Holy Spirit is involved.
But then, what do I know. We all have to answer for ourselves before the Lord, ultimately. And knowing that, sharing these things with others is not trivial--then, still it's trusting Him to guide and lead and give discernment all the while. Because I certainly am not perfected. Christ alone is perfect. We all have to heed Him, when it comes to reading and heeding anything shared with us--no matter how highly we value the other person, no matter how closely they walk with the Lord, no matter how many instances counsel has been utterly confirmed by the Spirit of the Lord as being in accord with His self-revelation as Scripture. No matter what, everything has to be weighed before the Lord. By Him. We all err, as it were. We all sin. And sometimes even the most sanctified of us may give way to another spirit, unawares. We don't know what could happen. All we know is what the Lord has told us, and what He teaches us moment by moment, now.
But if we're not accustomed to resting in Him, abiding in His love, being led by His Spirit...the process of being conformed to such point of unconscious yet blatant dependence is going to be honed by Him--perhaps painfully--perhaps especially when trials come. Which they do. And will.
I got caught up last summer (or perhaps the spring) in fear over drawing nearer to the Lord, knowing that to do so would be unto further trial, unto further mortification of self, unto further tribulations. But I asked Him to help with that fear. And He did, He has. He is doing so, still. I don't get to keep parts of my heart in reserve, out of fear of pain, attempting to preserve myself. It's all or none, with Jesus. And I knew that when He revealed Himself to me, and wholly capitulated in that moment. Yet still, He continues working that out.
But after two years of being continually grieved and bereft and despised and rejected and mocked and isolated (by turning toward the Lord thus away from others, some, and by being ostracized for various reasons, other)...of losing everything dear to me, again and again even so briefly...I was afraid, knowing I hadn't the strength to endure, knowing I couldn't bear any more loss, any more grief. And that was in the midst of ongoing health trials, too--nearly unto death as far as I am aware. In midst of becoming as no one to anyone, even isolated unto death...except that God was with me, alone. He, alone, was my companion. And I turned my back to Him sometimes, even. Grievously so, seeking help and solace elsewhere. Finding none, but finding only further pains...and eventually being so broken again as to collapse and find myself in His presence, embraced. Grieving, then, to have grieved Him. As again, recently.
But I'd gotten to a point last summer (or was it the spring?) where I was afraid to long for Him, because of a fear of what would come next: What fresh torment, what wound more deeply cast. What loss and rejection, next. I sincerely expected homelessness would be a thing forthcoming, and also expected homelessness the year before, when things were likewise at their worst (after accidentally poisoning myself, perhaps--sometime around that point...). And I asked Him for help in casting myself fully upon Him, again, come what may. Because He is worth anything, just to know Him.
There's still something of me that is timidly wavering away from the thought of continued griefs and torments and deaths. But I'm too far gone right now to pay much mind to it, by grace.
But still, it is so painful to watch people I care about being tossed and torn and shredded, pleading with the Lord for mercy, for deliverance, for help. Just...help.
Yet I know there's no other help except Christ, Himself. And I just hope and pray for His continued keeping of myself. And hope and pray for His continued preservation and direction of others who are dear, who are His, too. Directing every step. Guarding hearts. Giving peace in the midst of utter chaos. There's nowhere else to turn. He may use many means by which to help, but in truth, any help comes from Him.
So, trusting Him, waiting upon Him...there's nothing else.
Ultimately, then, we shall overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimonies, and that we do not and will not love our lives as to shy away from death. Jesus has let us know that death has no sting for us, now.
He has rebuked me numerous times, though gently as is His way, with the following passage...when I've begun to be afraid of what others may do to me or say of me or how others may treat me. Fearing even to speak. Or to be present. But, I will trust Him. And will testify of the many things He has done and is yet doing. Testifying of the truth of who He is and of His goodness, to all the earth. I will speak of His goodness while I dwell in the land of the living. Even offering the sacrifice of thanksgiving when my heart is otherwise given to griefs and lamentation. No matter how I feel, still He's worthy of praise. He, alone, is worthy. And He is faithful.
If He allows griefs, He will work good through them. Even though Joseph's captivity and imprisonment were for years of darkness and shame...torment and mockery and rejection, even...then, still, the Lord lifted him up to a place of beneficence unto all. Through many dangers, toils, and snares he went. Kept safe by God's grace, though there were instances which could easily have been unto His death. His life held in God's own hand, precious. God's own. Reminders that He can be trusted. If He otherwise allowed all the evils free reign, death would have grasped and not released.
But the Lord has a plan. I have absolutely no idea what it is. I have absolutely no idea whether I will ever see it come to pass while I still walk on this earth. But I know He is good. And I know He hears our prayers and answers according to His will. And I know His will is good. And I trust Him. Even if I never see my family again, which is difficult to even think, let alone to admit publicly. Even if I never get to see them, for all however many reasons there are, but especially as not having peace, and refusing to step out ahead of the Lord...for knowing how dreadful that is, especially when "good intentioned." Then, still, I trust Him with them. He loves them far more than I do or ever could. He fashioned them lovingly. He knows their every thoughts and gives them breath. I trust Him.
And same of whatever else. There still is the immediate grief which the enemy makes much of, unto temptations on all fronts...but the Lord draws me back to Himself, to remembrance of who He is. And I will trust Him. Moment by moment. Because I love Him. Because He's trustworthy. And because there's no alternative which is conscionable. So, I will continue drawing nearer. Trusting that whatever comes or goes, He will likewise give me strength to endure...being my strength, moreover. Carrying me. Because I can't. But He's willing. And if He allows griefs, pains, turmoils, and losses...then it's to a good end. No matter the pain. Knowing Him, I know these things to be true. That's everything.
Isaiah 51:7-16
7 Listen to Me, you who know rightness and justice and right standing with God, the people in whose heart is My law and My instruction: fear not the reproach of men, neither be afraid nor dismayed at their revilings.
8 For [in comparison with the Lord they are so weak that things as insignificant as] the moth shall eat them up like a garment, and the worm shall eat them like wool. But My rightness and justice [and faithfully fulfilled promise] shall be forever, and My salvation to all generations.
9 [Zion now cries to the Lord, the God of Israel] Awake, awake, put on strength andmight, O arm of the Lord; awake, as in the ancient days, as in the generations of long ago. Was it not You Who cut Rahab [Egypt] in pieces, Who pierced the dragon [symbol of Egypt]?
10 Was it not You Who dried up the Red Sea, the waters of the great deep, Who made the depths of the sea a way for the redeemed to pass over? [Why then are we left so long in captivity?]
11 [The Lord God says] And the redeemed of the Lord shall return and come with singing to Zion; everlasting joy shall be upon their heads. They shall obtain joy and gladness, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.
12 I, even I, am He Who comforts you. Who are you, that you should be afraid of man, who shall die, and of a son of man, who shall be made [as destructible] as grass,
13 That you should forget the Lord your Maker, Who stretched forth the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, and fear continually every day because of the fury of the oppressor, when he makes ready to destroy or even though he did so? And where is the fury of the oppressor?
14 The captive exile and he who is bent down by chains shall speedily be released; and he shall not die and go down to the pit of destruction, nor shall his food fail.
15 For I am the Lord your God, Who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar andWho by rebuke restrains it—the Lord of hosts is His name.
16 And I have put My words in your mouth and have covered you with the shadow of My hand, that I may fix the [new] heavens as a tabernacle and lay the foundations of a [new] earth and say to Zion, You are My people.
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