Again and again, distraction comes. In so many ways, whispering darkly to my heart--songs of yesteryear, when no thought of God was honest or revered.
Temptations to fear. Temptations to lust. Temptations to covet. Temptations to idolize the inclinations of the flesh, moreover.
And I'm not immune.
And falling in even one way--failing to pray as I ought, failing to spend time in fellowship with the Lord, failing to meditate wholly and constantly upon Scripture...give way to greater temptation. To larger missteps. Even unto overindulgence in food, which also equates to misappropriation of finances.
And step by step, willingness and desire to dwell fully upon the Lord wanes--the joy of His presence fades slightly from memory, as temptations unto anxiety and further self-indulgence loom larger.
Speech falters, too, more concerned with trivial, earthly matters than with heavenly concerns. Those latter being that which we've been admonished to keep our minds upon as we travail on this earth.
Many things.
And the battle is constant.
On spiritual, mental, and physical fronts. Even if so much milder than those so many face, then still debilitating, personally. Except that the Lord keeps me.
Constantly.
Even in the midst of stumbling, He's my foundation. And I lament my sin, heartbroken again to have proven myself so utterly incapable of adhering to diligent adoration of the One who has utterly given Himself as to save me...the One whose love preserves me, cleanses and delivers me.
That I could turn from Him is heart-wrenching. Grievous.
And I am so sorry, again and again, to continue this...turning.
But all I know, the only hope I have, is that He's merciful. And just. And He does forgive those who confess. And purifies.
He is my only hope.
I hear so often of the works that need be done, to approach Him. And the approach that makes sense to me...is moreso that there are certain things He's given me as means to draw near to Him. And He is my greatest need, so drawing near to Him is what must be done just to live.
So, whatever it takes, I must do those things. As He gives me strength to do them.
And I will expect Him to do so. Because He is good. And faithful.
And His love is unfailing.
He will not deny me any good thing. He will deny me a means to draw nearer to Him.
He will not deny deliverance. He will not deny salvation.
He will not deny Himself to those who seek Him, truly.
That is my hope, in the midst of darkness.
He is my hope.
Because it's all about who He is.
About what He's done.
And what He continues to do.
Because of who He is.
And how He is.
I will look to Him, expecting His deliverance.
Trusting Him to keep me.
And trusting Him to even keep me from taking His salvation for granted.
I would not know repentance, except that He guided me into it.
I would not know truth, except that He reveals it to me.
I would not know peace, except that He keep fears at bay.
I would not know Him, except that He revealed Himself.
I don't keep myself. Right doctrine doesn't keep me.
Stringent focus doesn't keep me.
And even as much as it is a constant and steady, blessed need, it's not even Scripture which keeps me.
But God.
Jesus, Himself.
His Holy Spirit living in me.
He makes my feet as hinds' feet.
Though the terrain is steep, sharp, slippery, and more treacherous than I could ever begin to comprehend...He makes my feet so steady that it were as if I were quite designed to walk easily on such a trek. He keeps me steady, in the midst of a world of darkness.
He is the light, even within me.
And I won't fear, because He is with me. And His rod and His staff..they do comfort me.
Because He does restrain and rebuke my enemies, turning them away quickly, except that He has a purpose in allowing them near. And, even then, only within constraints He ordains.
And He guides my every step, in so many ways, preventing me from far more grievous errors...restraining me, and although He has yet to have fully sanctified He preserves according to His own purposes.
He turns hearts, after all. Hardens or softens them, according to His will.
Ultimately, to His glory.
I hope and pray to always have a heart which is increasingly turned toward Him, ever more fully. Because He is worthy. He's worthy of total surrender. He is worthy of complete obedience.
Even as those things are to my good, then it's so much more pressing that they be embodied as a rightful service to One so worthy.
And it's beyond my ability, such a wretch I am, even to manage a day in His presence without faltering. It's beyond my ability to manage to serve Him in any way, rightly. And utterly beyond my ability to maintain a right heart in seeking Him--so quick does devotion become a rote ritual, habitually and perfunctorily performed.
But He is capable. And I know He is willing.
He died as to make it so, as to make it possible. Resurrected as to prove the truth of His being and His love and strength.
So, I'll trust Him to keep me.
I'm going to trust Him to deliver me, further.
And, all over again, even day to day...I'm surrendering to knowledge of the truth of His absolute worthiness and my abject incapacity. In context of His willingness and desire to conform me, to empower me, and to lead me. To be led by His Spirit into all truth, into all good works prepared beforehand. Walking by faith, then, as to be a light, a living image of the One true light. But only ever in as much as His Spirit empowers and emboldens so to do.
Because it's not of the flesh to walk according to the Spirit of truth.
No, but an act of faith, perpetual.
Seeing, but not seeing.
Hearing, but not hearing.
Focused on His will and upon His being, so wholly, even as to be delivered from the concerns and the fears of the world. Not neglectful, yet as His Spirit leads. And always in accord with all the things He's ever spoken.
Onward, then. Trusting He will lead.
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