In the middle of a major transition, right now--been praying for months. Apparently started in October, on October 2 I called out to Jesus to have mercy on me. I was locked up on one front, into deep confusion--knowing the truth of Christ, growing in a knowledge of His character, growing in trust of Him post- and mid-trials...but so confused by so many things, in terms of personal action and personal direction...
So confused as to be completely immobilized by anxiety and fear--having ceased public witnessing, except in those instances where the Lord explicitly put me in someone's path. But fearful. Anxious.
Strange how He can and does still use such imperfect vessels, such broken vessels...even in the midst of their brokenness.
But this place, coming and testifying of the truths revealed (even incrementally) was a solace--a means of remaining focused on the truth of who He is, in the midst of even otherwise confusion.
Ceasing from thought only helped so much. The attacks continued and increased, in terms of attempts at condemnation, attempts at panic, attempts to derail into complete despair. All, on the battlefield of the mind--no overt actions or speech required.
Merely, the enemy used even good speech and twisted it to torment me. Used even teaching from the Bible to condemn and attempt me to offer self-justification--attempting to unseat me from total dependence upon Christ. Attempting to derail from realization that Christ bore my condemnation--that, yes, I am worthy of condemnation, have earned condemnation...but Christ paid that, when He took my sins upon Himself on the cross. And when He revealed Himself to me, revealing the truth of who He is and what He'd done, and further revealed to me my own wretched, horrid, loathesome condition as someone who had acted in blatant malice and disregard against One so precious, so pure, so wholly good, so completely loving as Him...He turned my heart to absolutely despise the sin, despair of the sin that meant such suffering for Him in His cause to free me from it, and it made me love Him beyond all else.
Absolutely all else passed away, at that moment. Everything became absolutely nothing--merely fell away from awareness, from conscious regard total, in light of seeing Him as He is. As He was, upon the cross.
I died in that moment--I died to the world. I died to my own paltry, limited, short-sighted and self-indulgent desires. I died to desire.
Desire was reborn, as an consuming passion for Christ. To draw nearer to Him, to love Him as He deserves, as He is due, and to do any and all things which He would will, anything, anything which would please Him. Because He's worth it, and His joy is my strength. Knowing that He's been pleased delivers me from all concern. And He's most pleased when I'm most satisfied in Him.
Just as He's most glorified when I'm most satisfied in Him (as Bro. John Piper has said).
So, the anxieties, the confusion, the panic, the despair? All of these things merely mean I've not been as wholeheartedly focused on Him as is necessary--I've been focused on myself.
And as has been recently told me, there's a very fine line with testimony--one must be very careful not to glorify man undue, when speaking of what God has done in one's life.
Thing is, though, so long as I'm focused on toeing the line and minding my p's and q's, I'm not seeking and trusting Christ to direct and keep me and order my steps.
It's a fine line to walk, walking with Christ--yes, indeed. Moreso than any other. But the thing is...He is the line, and He's also the One who keeps us on course.
He doesn't allow us to falter unduly, as our hearts are set on pursuing Him--nothing wavering, no part dark (increasingly asking for these things, moreover, that He would increasingly deliver unto those states of abject devotion).
He's the one who does the work in us, though. It's all Him, or it wouldn't be done.
The turning toward Himself, the revelation of the sinfulness of sin, the revelation of His preciousness and goodness, the desire to be quit of sin and draw near to Him, and on and on, continually.
If we long for truth, then we long for Him. If we long for true love, we long for Him. Not a love as the world gives--instead....transcending, purifying, unto deliverance from self. And He keeps us from error, being the very One who delivered us from it, in the first place.
He delivers and He preserves. He cleanses and He purifies. We are the recipients of great love and mercy, in Christ. He loves us deeply, and longs to draw us nearer. He will keep that which we entrust to Him. And deliver us, as we seek Him to do so. Even giving us the desire to seek Him.
All good things, in Him.
Through Him.
Ask Him.
And continue asking.
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