Two things revisited explicitly, from the past week:
One line of thought that's been more-or-less a (rather unhelpful, unworthy) mantra for the past long while is, "Lord, I don't understand this. I have no idea what's going on right now. This makes no sense." Always with an implicit yearning for clarification of events, and even sometimes with direct request for explanation of circumstances.
All this, as though I should understand what's going on.
There has recently arisen increasing lamentation that nothing makes sense, that I feel utterly out of my depth as incapable of even beginning to understand what and why and how and to what end.
He clarified all that this past week, though (like He does--in a way which was utterly unexpected):
Lamentation of the state of being out of my depth as a "new and unexpected and undesirable thing" is entirely wrong-minded: Realistically, being completely out of my depth is nothing new.
Thing is, when I believed I understood everything going on and believed I understood where things were going and believed I understood my role in circumstances?--I was absolutely, fundamentally wrong:
I was like someone playing connect the dots who completely restricted activity to a tiny corner on the page. Like as maybe connecting the dots in a 1x1" square area--feeling accomplished and well-situated for doing so, although actively, completely ignoring innumerable dots on remainder of the otherwise 100 mile x 100 mile square sheet of paper. Totally illogical. Completely short-sighted. And to compare what I was doing to someone likewise feeling confident about completing 1x1" worth of a 100mi. x 100mi. puzzle?--still fails to even begin to approach the actual scale of reality.
So--sure, I felt like I had things under control. I felt like I was doing what needed to be done. I had convinced myself I knew my little corner of the universe very well and had my "part" under control, is all--completely and willfully ignoring the vastness of reality, as a whole, and especially ignoring the all is essentially an incomprehensibly vast tapestry orchestrated by God.
Point being, though--feeling "out of control" is apt.
I'm not in control: God is.
He's just increasingly allowing me to realize this truth as He leads me to further embrace the truth of reality, the truth of who He is.
And the second-type thing, which follows the first (touched on earlier today, really):
There's no such thing as independence from God. Human or otherwise.
Even ardent desire for independence is sin. It amounts to treason...mutiny.
It's sacrilege.
He is worthy of all devotion. He's that infinitely good and loving and merciful.
And that powerful.
His very being, as He is, demands nothing less than abject devotion per sheer force of Who and How He is. Absolute devotion is absolutely due Him.
Period.
He deserves it. God is due our every obedience, due our abject adoration.
He is worthy.
And that's not even getting into the fact that absolutely nothing exists as apart from Him. Because it's not possible to do so.
Everything subsists in Him--everything which exists only exists in Him, per His will.
So, there's no such thing as actual independence. There's only heartfelt defiance unto permitted delusion of independence.
Yet He allows defiance, despite that He's worthy and due abject adoration, loving devotion, and joyful obedience. He allows us to turn away from Him, in rebellion. He allows us to have what we desire, on that front.
Although rebellion doesn't alter reality. Reality stays the same, it's only our perception which changes--unto further and further delusion, per increasing defiance against truth (self-exaltation is this).
We earn and deserve wrath due us, per such an infinite offense as rebelling against a perfectly loving, perfectly good Creator God who designed us for loving fellowship, worship, and devotion.
He created us: He has prerogative, in terms of what we were designed for--He is the one to set parameters of our existence (giving and taking away life). Such that rebellion against Him--against life, love, joy, goodness--is unto death, wrath, torment, punishment.
We have the option of knowing Him on His terms--unto life, love, and joyful devotion, still: He made a way for us to be reconciled into right relationship with Himself.
He sent His Son to walk among us. To share the truth of who He is. To direct us in the way of life, unto truth, unto reverence for God. And He offered Himself as the propitiation for our sins. He endured and satisfied the wrath due us, so that sin would justly be punished while mercy could also be extended. So that mercy is now extended through His justice, for those who come to know Jesus Christ as our willing atonement, perfect savior, gentle Master, eternal King of All.
He made a way for us to be free of the delusion of independence--Returning to know truth, by Christ's own power manifest unto us by faith in Him. Freed to walk in the light of who God is.
Unto every man a measure of faith is given.
Christ is the author and perfecter of our faith.
He's far more invested in seeing us reconciled to Himself than we are. Far more invested than we could ever be.
Our understanding of how grievous sin against Him actually is...will only extend so far as our understanding of how good, worthy of devotion, loving, powerful, and truly holy our God actually is. But to see He is so full of love for us as to send His own Son?, even being willing to take on flesh so to make a way to reconcile us to Himself?--coming in the flesh to plead with us to turn from sin and return to Him, paving the way with His own submission unto death, then resurrecting?...to see and know He was and is willing?
Truly, He did and does love us.
Loves us enough to die for us, while we mocked and tormented and tortured Him.
Loves us enough to enter and overcome death for us--we had no means of overcoming on our own, despite that we brought it on ourselves by rebelling against Life.
The truth is that rebellion is pointless. Futile. Empty.
Doesn't change who He is.
Doesn't change who we are.
Only changes our experience of reality.
From life unto death.
From love unto wrath.
There's no such thing as independence from God.
We're dependent upon Him for everything--whether we want to be or not.
Again--our desires don't change the nature of reality.
Our will doesn't negate His existence or His sovereignty.
It only impacts our ability to discern truth, as denying truth's very essence to varying degrees.
Yeah, though.
Those are two really fundamental, basic things:
No one is independent.
No one has any idea what's going on, comprehensively.
Delusion is rampant, in other words.
We're dependent upon God for all things. So, all the better to be surrendered into that dependence--consciously relishing His providential direction and provisions.
God knows all things--even knows end from the beginning, and reveals things which aren't yet come to pass. So, all the better to surrender false notions of knowing what's going on, instead to constantly and serenely wait upon His instruction, provision, and shepherding (which includes guidance and protection).
Expect Him to direct your steps and words. He will. He does. Into far better action and speech than otherwise would be the case. And though human frailty does still intrude, it's revealed unto sanctification--recognition unto repentance...working greater, more ardent devotion to Him.
Each of us is--in context of the all of creation--smaller than a grain of sand on the seashore. Yet He ardently loves us each and every one us. Enough to come walk among us--speaking to us directly on familiar terms, so to plead with us to return to Him. And He loves us unto death, unto enduring and satisfying the wrath due us for rebelling. Satisfying holy justice before overturning death, resurrecting, so that we might overcome. Now, eternally reigning, our Savior King.
He was willing. He is willing to save and guide.
That's incomprehensibly wonderful.
Just to depend upon Him, then. Truly. What a blessing...
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!--to walk more fully in the light of truth!
So...
Thank You, Lord.
Jesus, thank You.
For all these things I don't understand.
Thank You.
I trust You.
Whatever Your will.
I am Yours.
You are exceedingly more than enough.
Monday, November 14, 2016
Songs; Simultaneous Citizenship: Which Philosophies Prevail in Our Lives?
"This hymn was written as a testament to a difficult time in John Newton's life. He and his friend William Cowper had embarked on a project that was to become the Olney Hymns Collection, but not long into the project, Cowper went insane.
Newton wrote that it seemed as though God was going out of his way to make life difficult for him then realized that even through adversity, God continues to work."
I still maintain that the only person who has ever been truly sane is Jesus, Himself. If insanity is disconnect from reality and attempting to proceed in ways which have again and again proven faulty, yet expecting a different result "this time," He really is the only one who's really known and lived and walked on this earth with total regard for reality.
The rest of us walk with varying degrees of delusion impacting our perspective and actions. Especially of those who are His and who do know Him, there's a weird sort of disconnect we traverse.
The summer before the Lord brought me to surrender, He allowed me to come to a point where there was no longer a conscious disconnect between awareness of the spiritual and the physical. Prior, I'd go through bouts of ardently pursuing one while ignoring the other--having no means of reconciling the two as truly one reality. I'm not presently going to discuss the particular matters which were ones developed of spiritual awareness, over many years...except to say that even I at times wondered at the truth of perception, as to whether I was really experiencing and witnessing what seemed the case. Which is why the pursuit was particularly laborious--reaching a point, observing and experiencing results, then attempting by any means to determine whether what was observed was actually so, per duplication of situation and per blind tests involving (uninformed) others.
And there were two especial instances where physical, visible markers of experience were otherwise unexplainable and which came about without any direct personal intent or expectation.So, while delusion was a large part of ever attempting independent pursuit of spiritual matters, as perceived to be "apart" from God...still, the experiences were validated and duplicated and progressed consistently. As He permitted...which makes the grief in recalling this all even worse. Even perhaps especially regarding trafficking with spiritual entities--some of whom I didn't seek out, but came of their own volition. One particular revisited thrice.
The first time, offering assistance with anything--carte blanche. All I had to do was ask. And that was many years into already trafficking with one particular entity. And years into having pursued all this rebellion against the Lord. Even having once and for many years loving Christ, I still walked away into all this madness.
I'd experienced the truth of Jesus's existence and active involvement in the world, per His direct assistance to me and per the joy of His presence and per sharing in His grief, at times. But I was so blind. (I still am, except that He leads me by the hand.) When the church turned me out, the first time, and first began looking upon me as some odd sort of distasteful, foreign, potentially harmful creature...I was heartbroken. I was devastated. And especially as this happened in context of a deeper experience of the truth of God's existence, there was quite a tailspin.
No one to talk to, except God. And given the giving over to Him is what led to being literally cast out of the church (set out on the sidewalk, during an evening service--I was 12, I think...or maybe younger, but I think 12). So, though I'd not really been on speaking terms with Him, prior, I effectively turned even further away. Some weirdness came in, as far as a giving over to temptation to seek Him on my own terms, since it had proven so painful to find Him or knowledge of Him at church.
My parents had been obsessed with the Trinity Broadcasting Network for a while, at that point. I know now that part of the reason my dad was especially interested in all the many books and videos warning against and preparing for discerning children's involvement in the occult was because he'd been involved in the physical summoning of a demon as a teen. And as much as he was still terrified, telling me about the experience in attempt to warn me off from that-such pursuit...knowing what I know now, that sort of thing isn't something that "just happens." High level practitioners don't generally approach that level of involvement...it's not at all wise, for one thing.
But my mom had her own things, too. My mother's side of the family was much into reading signs, expecting and heeding premonitory dreams, and using "intuition" as means of knowing and controlling people and circumstances.
Given all that, though, they continually watched and collected materials regarding "signs your child may be involved in the occult." One of which was basically a primer on every prevailing pagan religion of the time. All the introductory materials you could hope for--general practices, the general precepts of beliefs, the general materials utilized as part of practice, and a run-down of the basic rituals. You know--so the person reading the book could tell whether any of those things were being done, given evidence of such materials, times of "unavailability," or evidence of particular-type ideological expressions.
No, though. It was a primer on the occult, just sold under the guise of Christian-watchfulness. We don't need to know these things, though. We're actually warned against seeking to understand evil just for the sake of understanding.
It's like inviting a disease into your body--opening your mind to the ways and workings of such things, except that the Holy Spirit preserve and guide and protect all the while. Except that He be leading the process, entirely.
And even then, that can't be a thing as self willfully seeking to attain understanding, or otherwise it's not given as prompting by the Lord. This isn't to say He may not use some sort of otherwise-unrecognized and unbidden pressure to learn by His leading. But even then, still--unless the whole proceeds in such a way as honors Him, it's very likely just confusion as this all sort is a very dicey subject at best...
Really, best to step away.
And trust He'll lead in what's necessary. While remaining immersed in Scripture as means to attain unto knowledge of Him and His creation. Not commentaries, not expositions, not doctrines. Scripture.
It's given for all instruction--His Spirit leading the all.
Anyway, point being--they need not have gotten such books, but rather need have been surrendered to the leading of the Lord and He would have preserved, directed. Our knowledge--anyways regarded apart from honoring Him--works disobedience as furthering pride.
And that particular availability of "knowledge" worked temptation for me--to have such materials at hand, while experiencing rejection from the church.
((As a side-note, my second deck of tarot cards was a Christmas present from a priest. He's still a priest--I looked him up a few months ago.))
The thing with spiritual stuff, though--it's largely walking blind. Without surrender to God, there is only delusion in terms of what's actually going on. And all the more, the deeper the rebellion on any front. But witchcraft is a rebellion--seeking to manipulate the spiritual and engage with the spiritual, apart from surrender and honor to God.
Something that comes to mind of that, though, regards the prophet Balaam. He was definitely someone who "dabbled" in the spiritual without regard for God's sovereignty. Yet he heard God, too. And in some legitimate, though utterly short-sighted capacity--Balaam did recognize God as the God. Enough so as to heed what was revealed to him, the three times he was entreated to curse Israel--blessing them, instead.
Such things are more about God than it about the man, always. God uses even the most broken, wretched vessels, as He sees fit. He loves, nonetheless, and has made way for salvation for any who would turn to Him. And nothing exists apart from Him, regardless of the depth or seeming extent of rebellion. No one alive is too far gone into sin to be forgiven through Christ's sacrifice and made reconciled to God.
He has lovingly created all who have ever had life, despite that the ravages of sin affect and impact us all to varying extents. The curse of sin is still in effect.
So God spoke to and through Balaam despite Balaam's otherwise absolute wickedness and defiance.
And there was Simon, too, of the more recent records. He performed various things, various matters of the spiritual. But was all the more awed at what the Spirit of God worked in and unto others. He recognized the significance of the Holy Spirit's work in some strange capacity, per a mind still warped by years of self-indulgent defiance against God.
There was involvement with spiritual entities, for these men. But such involvement wasn't described as contingent the matters undertaken and routinely practiced.
So, an option but not a necessity.
And either way, such acts are utter wickedness, depravity, and active evidence of despising God. Despising Him because we're dependent upon Him, wholly: Despising Him for being unavoidably sovereign over us, and over all our circumstances and abilities. Despising Him even to a point of attempting to convince ourselves of independence from Him.
Attempting physical, mental, and spiritual independence. Which, all is of the same, only worked out in externally differing ways. CEOs who strive to build up companies without regard for God's sovereign will are on equal footing with Simon--entirely utilitarian, pragmatic, grasping desires for self-exaltation and the manifestation of one's own will by any means, no matter the cost and by any means possible.
There's much to grieve of knowing I turned against the Lord so wholeheartedly--Knowing I tried to find Him only on my own terms, for so long, and acted in so many ways which were so utterly wicked and defiant along the while.
I am so grateful for Jesus's mercy. For His longsuffering. For His patience.
And above all, for His love. Love which doesn't falter in the midst of being despised and abused and ignored and even mocked. He turned from me for a span, beginning the latter of my time in New Orleans, and I found myself finally bereft and desperate. So many years of despising Him, mocking Him, defying Him. And many more, even past that point--still resenting Him, resenting His sovereignty.
But truth is, He owns me.
He owns all of us, actually.
We will all acknowledge the truth of His sovereignty, someday--whether here and now or hereafter. He will be acknowledged for Who He is.
Being God means exclusive domain, dominion--total authority:
comprehensive and individual sovereignty.
So, Jesus holds us all in His hands, at His mercy.
As our Lord-Master and Creator. Our God.
Whether we presently honor Him as such or not.
After coming to a point of desperation--blindly seeking, not knowing quite for what or to what end--yet, actually desperate to return to Him...there were still numerous years of pain and defiance endured before He brought me into a place of willingly, eventually gladly, now lovingly surrendering to His control, will, and direction. Even if yet imperfectly, then still seeking Him to purify.
And He made a way for all of us to be reconciled into right relationship with Him. We've all earned wrath, by attempting independence. We weren't designed for independence. It's actually impossible. We were designed for loving awareness and subjection to our dependence upon God--consciously deferring to Him for all direction and loving entreating, expecting, and pursuing His will in all matters. Even being given such a great gift as to enjoy this world He's placed us in, we're simultaneously being given to enjoy Him, through worship and fellowship and obedience.
Not per ritualism. Not rote dogmatism. Not methodological pursuit of right living. Not conformation to the expectations of what society deems necessary to a practical existence in its midst. All these things glorify man's perceived, asserted ability to know and do right.
Nope. That's defiance, attempted independence.
Seeking His guidance, will, and direction in all things--moment by moment. And even as this will and apparently does entail entering and proceeding along courses which are externally parallel to those which the world pursues--of work, of service to others, of community involvements, of varied likewise pursuits...even of finances and such...then, the point of absolute departure is prior to even entering unto such: Rather than doing and pursuing each as a point of perceived necessity according to the world's tenets, we enter each per loving surrender to God, being led in His will along each front, thus giving thanks to continually receive direction...such as actually constitutes actively seeking Him along any path He leads.
So, as such, work isn't work--it's seeking and serving and honoring God, being strengthened and preserved by Him along the whole. Even as that specific results in financial means of meeting the financial needs of oneself and others. Still, the satisfaction of those such needs may be an act of loving obedience and gratitude--praying for His direction on each front, all the while.
He has to direct our every step, otherwise we're acting solely according to our own fleshly understanding, which is innately defiant against Him.
But as with what He'd revealed over last week--He gives direction and leads without our awareness of it being the case, for those who are His. He leads us, despite us. We're still defiant on so many fronts.
Which again, is that point of departure from Him in terms of a dualistic--actually duplicitous--kind of perception of our reality...even as Christians.
Being in the world yet not of it isn't about partaking and proceeding along practical courses while remaining cognizant of God's sovereignty, only. No, it's a matter of beginnings, a matter of the heart's desire prior to even entering into interaction and service and action. And a matter of the heart's desires all the while of such matters. To be able to enter any arena and expect the Lord will lead, because He does...and to give thanks all the while. Remaining aware He will lead, and waiting on Him to do so.
And if He doesn't lead, then waiting for Him to direct. Even painfully enduring the waiting, through uncertain and fearful times. Even having all which otherwise seems necessary to entering/accomplishing what would seem the most practical course of action--having pertinent means already at hand and available for devotion to that end...but, still, refraining. Until He says go or redirects to another course, which He sometimes does.
A desperate sort of urgency to act isn't of Him. Not if fearful, fear-based, anxious. And He's merciful, and He understands our frame--we're but dust. Plus, He understands our temptations, having been tempted in all ways such as we are--yet, without ever sinning.
He understands that we act without seeking His will, ofttimes out of fear, lack of trust in Him. Doesn't excuse it. Doesn't make it less than sin--to act independently, according to our own ideas of what's good and right.
But He's merciful and gracious. So, He restrains the consequences so often (otherwise, we'd not be alive).
But that's not optimal. It's not what we're intended for, as indwelt by His Spirit. He lives in us to teach us and direct us in the ways we should go, even as in accord with and also per His Word.
A relationship.
Not a routine. Not a progressive approach to conformity, intending to imitate Him per our own understanding.
But a fellowship with Him that increases in intimacy, as any good relationship would--pure and holy, unto our sanctification, transforming us as we draw nearer to Him, transforming us into His likeness.
The duplicity of mind arises along those lines, is all. Expecting somehow for our own understanding of Scripture and our own pursuit of knowledge of His ways to be sufficient to allow us to draw near to Him and accomplish His will, externally in ways which are actually ordered with a likeness to the ways in which the world proceeds to act and plan: According to limited understanding, along lines which make sense wholly in the natural.
Rather than acknowledging continually that we're presently seated with Christ in heavenly places. And have all spiritual blessings in Him. And that it's His will to guide us, step by step, on the steep places. Making even the most treacherous terrain seem wide, as our steps are made so secure that the place seems utterly easy to traverse.
He teaches us, He leads us, He is our Shepherd.
Yet we're continually assaulted by all the ideologies the world espouses as vital to practical living. Ideologies which, at their core, are in utter defiance against God--working according to wholly natural, ultimately self-exalting principles. Rather than trusting Him. Rather than seeking Him. Rather than submitting to Him.
Rather than waiting upon Him.
And the thing is, we've got it so entrenched in our minds that if we wait for Him and He doesn't act or direct within a short span...that we'll somehow then be failing to heed Him commands, somehow then be failing on all fronts...that we've redoubled the resistance to waiting upon Him, almost to a point of entirely refusing to do so.
Because "someone's got to do 'it'," "we can't just do 'nothing,'" and "it's not right to have all this which we have and not do 'something'," while simultaneously and inherently denying that God is involved in all which goes on in the world, already, and that seeking Him for direction is doing the utmost which need by done by anyone...as simultaneously trusting He will lead into actions which are good and which honor Him.. Somehow we don't expect Him to lead us to do things, despite that His Scripture records so many instances where He'd led even the early church into actions which were explicitly intended to help others.
And along lines of waiting, also consider that Jesus was, by most accounts, at least 30 before He started preaching repentance, upon having been baptized into public ministry. If He lived in our society, and folks had any idea who He was prior to Him beginning to preach...how much pressure do you think would have been on Him to go out and preach, prior to that age?
The actions of most all of us--insisting upon action prior to waiting for God--call Him into question for "not acting" prior to that age. And would further call into question that His ministry spanned "only" three years, according to present standards.
And according to our current methods of perceiving and discerning and contemplating service unto God, how well organized was His ministry?
Did He sufficiently plan for particular effectiveness along particular lines, unto particular demographics?
Thinking about things that way seems absurd, or it should.
God knows what needs to happen, how it needs to happen, when it needs to happen, and by what means...in order to accomplish His will. Our will isn't good. We're to seek His. Not even according to our understanding, but according to His Spirit's revelation.
We're too limited in perspective to be able to fully comprehend His will, is all. Bits and pieces, yes, but still too limited in scope to be able to properly perceive any best course of action.
The world as a whole considers itself otherwise able and responsible for determining those-type courses of action, though--delineating the best jobs, the best community programs, the best educations, the best neighborhoods, the best pets, the best families, ad nauseum. With utmost energy given to ensuring no thought whatsoever is given to honoring God, along such lines.
Actively, intentionally, if unconsciously, suppressing the truth of God by increasingly loudly and boldly insisting upon self-reliance on all fronts...as whatever best concocted plan or most convoluted procedure seems most expeditious to exalting man's sense of self-reliant capacity for growth and independent success. Apart from God. Intentionally.
So, proceeding along those similar-type lines as one who is Christ's is inherently duplicitous, contradictory. We can't imbibe the world's rejection of God's supremacy and sovereignty per our tendency to make plans and attempt to determine "the best courses" according to our understandings, while still claiming we are submitted to God's will. The two are innately contradictory.
He gives us a capacity for understanding, but to any extent it's exercised apart from submission to Him...it's deluded by sin, into confusion at the very least. Self-exalting. The original sin was of seeking independence in understanding and comprehension, as ability to know good and evil, right and wrong, apart from deference to God.
Argue it any way you want to, except that we're acting in response to His direct guidance--per His Spirit's guidance and confirmed by His Word as a whole--we're acting apart from Him, against Him. It's the nature of the flesh to do so. And except that Christ is who He is and has done what He's done to redeem us and is so merciful toward us all...there'd be no hope, because that tendency is so rife.
Regard for the spiritual is something often assaulted by awareness of the physical, is all. All the years of seeking spiritual awareness, desiring deeper awareness of things spiritual in context of reality as a whole--while there was definite delusion, in terms of denying God's sovereign right to decree the right way to approach Him--did allow for definite realization of the truth of the spiritual, as spiritual experiences were incrementally realized and determined actual.
There'd be periods of primarily pursuing seeking spiritual awareness, though--experiencing the truth of such reality, attempting to discern as much as possible and walk in awareness of realizations--until a point would come, again and again, where the weight of tangible circumstances would gradually occlude the awareness of spiritual reality. Unto eventual regard for only physical circumstances and philosophies as prevalent reality, until unavoidable dissonance arose (having realized there was and is more than merely the physical), in response, inspiring further pursuit of awareness of the spiritual.
But for so long, awareness was always either one or the other--seemingly exclusive of one another. Either I could be maintain awareness of and pursuit of spiritual reality or awareness and regard for visible, tangible, philosophical circumstances...but to attempt both was "too much." So, the two were actual, simultaneous aspects of reality, but perspective was imbalanced per my imbalanced regard for each.
Until the final summer before surrender to Christ, in spirit and truth. Seeking Him for a few years already, at that point--no peace except for in His presence, but He'd still been allowing me to largely live in the same manner as prior. I'd been trying to live life according to the world's tenets--seeking to establish a life that would be externally honoring to God, also acceptable before the world, and seeking to establish a means of proceeding in life which would allow me to do the things I expected and understood were honoring to God. I wanted to be in a position where I could help others and be self-reliant and self-sufficient. Independent, while seeking to give and serve.
I thought it was honoring to God. So I proceeded with what was given, and asked Him for the strength to go. Asked Him for the strength to do what seemed right. Didn't ask Him for direction.
Still was giving precedence to circumstantial understanding, rather that seeking His guidance. Still wasn't surrendered.
But that last summer, something did start to slide into place, as far as being able to simultaneously regard the spiritual as existent with the physical. Neither exclusive of the other, neither superimposed. Simultaneous. As they are.
We are with Christ, by our spirits, even being physically present on earth.
Just as He is with us, by His Spirit, even being physically enthroned in heaven.
The disconnect that still seems so prevalent, though, comes in terms of considering matters which the world is particularly concerned with--finances, business plans, insurance, education, families, and the like.
One I'd still been disconnected regarding was over family things, especially of children and...well, family. As though, somehow, despite that the Lord has made it very clear He intends to guide and guard my steps in regard to work, church, social interaction, and the like...somehow, still, if ever such things as family and such were part of my life, per His will...then somehow I was still under the delusion that I would be responsible for charting that course.
No.
Every single moment. Every single interaction. Every single intervention. Every single conversation. Every single act of discipline and love. Still, every single thing would and is to be would be directed by the Lord, per continual conscious dependence upon Him for all direction.
The same type disconnect had previously made it impossible to simultaneously walk in light of the truth that reality is physical and spiritual. And the same disconnect is what makes room for anxiety and doubt, in terms of "life plans," "business plans," and all the rest.
Either we proceed according to natural understanding, or according to spiritual deference, in terms of honoring God explicitly, is the thing. These realities are simultaneous and true, and yet if we proceed according to carnal understanding, we act apart from His leading--again, except that He lead despite us. Which He is most merciful to often do, otherwise we'd be more a wreck than we are, as a society and church.
We can walk in the light of the truth, though, without fear. And this, coming from someone who is often assaulted by fears of all sorts, even as to run from speaking to people out of fear of rejection and pain, still.
I just know that we can. In Christ. Abiding in His love. Abiding in awareness of the truth of who He is. He allows me to do so, at times, and keeps me in that place.
Pain has helped with that, though the lessening of pain over the past couple days (even less today, yet gratefully) has again made room for energy given toward fears and anxiety. Rather than remaining consciously dependent upon Him.
But I remember, in part. And I'll trust Him to keep me, still, though I flounder.
Just...we can and are called to walk in awareness of the truth that He is God and He intends to lead us. He designed us for conscious dependence upon Him for direction and instruction. Defiance, rebellion...sin...attempts to assert otherwise, doubting His goodness and sovereignty. We're all guilty. Christ has made way, though.
And it's not about doing, still. It's about trusting Him. About knowing Him.
Not just knowing about Him. But knowing Him.
Give Him no peace until He answers, is all. Harass Him.
Ask and keep asking. And trust He'll answer. In due time.
If you're anything like me, there may be periods of desperate pleading followed immediately by total distraction with what appears in front of me to do. But, then, the very same pleas return to mind in what seems like a kind of routine fashion, again crying out for mercy. Again pleading with Him. Even if, again, being directed to other matters at hand, very quickly.
But, still, I'm not going to stop pleading with Him. Because He's going to keep reminding me to do so. And I'm very grateful for every opportunity thus provided.
Of the all, though, the main point of despair has been over seeing in myself and others a fundamental denial of the truth of our simultaneous reality. The same existence is true for all, but the delusion of sin has worked deeper and further denial of the truth--suppressed in unrighteous exaltation of false independence of mankind. Even unto denying spiritual reality, per unwillingness to submit to Him and to wait upon Him.
And even besides all that--He hasn't ceased the miraculous. He hasn't changed. Reality hasn't suddenly changed. We're His, still. He still delivers food via birds, for some.
And there is still some, if perhaps rare legitimate inspiration to speak in tongues. Though most may be demonic or a work of the flesh. It does happen as a work of God, too. But not without orderliness.
And He does still heal the incurable. He does still cast out demons--they flee at His voice. He does still preserve from poison, that it wouldn't even cause illness. And He does still raise the dead.
But when it's of Him, it's entirely directed and manifest by Him. Not to the glory or understanding or expectation of man.
But of God, alone.
There are some who claim to know Christ who blatantly scoff at and mock the idea of manifest expression of God's power through such acts, these days. Which...scares me. I have literally run from some, as such. And, otherwise, unless He so directs...there's no call to speak of such things.
And, regardless, I'm still bad about trying to tell Him what He needs to do and how He needs to intervene, too.
Rather than asking Him.
God is far more terrifying in His majesty than we could ever conceive. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a living God. And yet He loves us so much He took on flesh and endured the punishment due us, so that we could be restored to right relationship with Him.
So, why is it so difficult for us to only accept Him on His terms, when He was willing to make a way to return to Him by meeting us on ours?...and why is it so utterly avoided (not even considered, most often) that we would also wait for Him to direct us? I mean, yes, all those things go against the flesh in all ways. Requiring acknowledgment of the truth of who He is, and requiring patience and trust. And all these things do result in mockery, misunderstanding, and persecution...by the world and by those who ascribe to the tenets of the world's machinations.
But we're called to abide in Christ's love. Knowing the Father loves us even as He loves Jesus Christ, the son. We're called to surrender to Him, as trusting Him to lead and provide. Knowing He knows our every need, we're to seek Him first and acknowledge Him in all our ways...knowing He will and does provide and direct. Even as in differing ways, He provides--like with Paul learning to abide and thrive in both abundance and physical lack--learning through these seasons that he and we can do all thing in Christ, who strengthens us. He provides our spiritual needs as well, is all--in the midst of all.
So...
If His grace is sufficient and He is good and loves us, why do we fear?
If He leads us into and in all righteousness and truth, even for His name's sake, why do we strive to know good and evil per our own limited understanding?
If He is ever the voice telling us "This is the way, walk in it," why do we attempt to chart our lives and our steps?
Psalm 37:23
The steps of a man are established by the LORD, And He delights in his way.
Proverbs 16:1
The plans of the heart belong to man, But the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.
Proverbs 16:8
Better is a little with righteousness Than great income with injustice.
Proverbs 16:9The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.
Proverbs 19:21
Many plans are in a man's heart, But the counsel of the LORD will stand.
Proverbs 20:24
Man's steps are ordained by the LORD, How then can man understand his way?
Jeremiah 10:23
I know, O LORD, that a man's way is not in himself, Nor is it in a man who walks to direct his steps.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Song: Step by Step (Sometimes By Step)
Had no idea what this song was, had never thought to even try to find it. Very glad to now have access to it, in full.
Saturday, November 12, 2016
My Utmost for His Highest Devotionals, Nov. 10, 11, 12
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The Pain of Discipline
Today has been another trek through strangeness. Been alternating between fear, self-pity, and gratitude, all day. Pain is kind of weird for also really inhibiting the ability to perseverate or fixate on the inconsequential (which is a sort of self-exaltation, anyway). Not enough energy as to allot attention toward attempting to do anything more than simply trust and do whatever's immediately at hand. So long as something needful is at hand, at least.
Staying busy has been very helpful, in other words--whether listening, reading, doing...praying or praising. So long as there's been something to do: even conversation to enter prayerfully, seeking strength and wisdom to be capable of engaging...or some slight task to undertake, needful, but similarly prayerfully seeking strength to enable ability...
...so long as there's been something to distract from self, things have proceeded peacefully. Even unto gratitude for the Lord's keeping and strengthening in the midst. Without self-consciousness, for the most part. Just doing as prayer. Each moment requiring rest in the Lord, or otherwise incapacitated from ability to proceed.
Incapable of thinking, even--otherwise, incapacitated per having been distracted from the Lord, Who is actively giving strength and peace to proceed.
So weird.
And given one of the conversations today, and the events preceding it--a conference discussing terms of the soon-expected conversation which did then actually manifest, immediate--except that the Lord is preventing from anxiety and despair, even per distraction of pain, things would be much more difficult.
She reminds me so much of my Mom. So much. It would have thus especially been so much more difficult to have entered and endured that conversation, except for being distracted unto reliance.
I'm grateful to still be largely distracted from such anxiety.
Never expected to be so grateful for pain. Not as to cling to it, but grateful for the freedom the Lord has granted in the midst, per it. Freedom from anxiety, although anxiety initially attempted to overwhelm per vulnerability wrought through exhaustion.
Doesn't matter, though. Just...another day.
Bittersweet, really: Heartbreaking to meet others across the divide and have no ready means of traversing to easy communication. Not even being able to compromise, effectively, for reason of necessarily refraining from duplicity--rather to be entirely forthright, despite that it is not wanted, not well-received. Even if entered with love, forthrightness can still often be perceived as callousness per not constituting a desired response. Especially as never perfectly done.
Another sorrow, then, brought to the Lord. Even witnessing of Him and directing to Him in the midst of such dire conversation is likewise sorrowfully surrendered. Reminding He is God, we are not--no matter how we might delude ourselves or aspire otherwise--gently, lovingly prodded...is no less, still, a heartbreak surrendered, imperfectly conveyed.
Hurting, as others hurting. But unwilling to manifest a lie for the sake of proffering a temporary, false solace--prayerfully enduring and entering the painful path of speaking and clinging to truth.
Similar to the time with family: Being convicted by my own actions as grieving the Lord, so withdrawing from such actions, then providing explanation for doing so and clarifying an inability to return to prior interactions as grieved the Lord alongside others. Having been grieved by sin, withdrawing from it, explaining why, then being very much despised, as result.
So tempted, so very tempted for months to speak false words redacting the limitations against sinful indulgence, as to eliminate distance instituted thereby. So, so tempted to go back to the former way, for sake of gaining a false peace. For sake of being accepted, again, rather than despised.
But the dilemma wasn't a matter of emotional preservation, not a matter of merely wanting to be freed from the terror of ongoing, random manifestations of rage. My actual dilemma hinged upon realization that redaction of convictions would thereafter constitute reentry upon the grievous course of convicted sins again, thus again to be continually desperate for deliverance as grieved by my own actions. Again and again, the temptation came to redact my refusal to engage in particulars--just for sake of having some sort of peace. Over all the months endured thusly, I very prayerfully and continually besought the Lord to direct me, no matter the cost to self.
Willing, again and again, to be utterly humiliated if so to honor Him. So long as He would guide, assuredly.
But continually restrained from seeking a false peace, despite the terrors.
And His peace...was deeper still, thankfully. Though the terror was so loud.
Same now as then, in so many ways.
I cannot begin to understand how He must grieve to endure scourging, scouring, and chastising us, given the infinite depth of His love. Love enough to endure it, Himself, that we might be delivered from the worst of our due.
He would rather have endured it, Himself, than that we would. His Son, in our stead. And how much more, even then, would such love seek to direct and preserve us from what otherwise would destroy us?...and what grief, to mete our just punishments upon His own son. Just so that we could be redeemed.
All entered and endured for sake of our salvation.
How precious a gift Jesus is, Himself. Beyond measure.
So it's an honor and a privilege to be permitted to enter anything along what sufferings He endured: rejection, mockery, being slighted and despised. For sake of His name, His truth, His direction.
I never in my life would have expected those who would despise and reject me most vociferously would be pastors, after coming to know Christ. Like being despised by one's nearest kin. Which...isn't off-point, itself, as matters stand.
In unfortunate ways.
On that point, and of the whole, communication is such a strange thing. Like even with these lines here "penned"--only bits and pieces strewn, and I'm not exactly thinking deeply on how they settle, nor of what potential shapes might seem to form in the gaps, from the midst, between the lines. Just bits and pieces. Only the Lord knows what else--I'm not concerned, except that sometimes after the fact He makes apparent some particular possibilities for interpretation which aren't realized prior.
Especially right now, though, I'm not concerned. And in general really needn't be. He'll do as He will, and it's not my concern.
I'll seek Him. I'll continue to press on toward Him. And when situations like the one today arise, I'll trust Him to walk me through. No matter how difficult, no matter how painful. He got me through the six-month cold war, entirely surrounded and with ongoing attempts at manipulation per all possible means by which to do so. He'll get me through this, too.
Doesn't mean it won't hurt. Doesn't mean I won't grieve, over process.
Doesn't mean I won't plead for deliverance and restraint, for wisdom and strength.
I will trust Him, though.
And if He so chooses to use me as periodic instrument for speaking and defending truth--lovingly though uncompromisingly--then it won't be without pain.
I remember what it's like to be in a position of unyielding torment. I remember what it's like to be confronted with a truth that scorches and defies every ability to attempt denial. Being enraged, shattered, devastated, and unraveled from the inside out, feeling totally helpless, grieved, and betrayed even by oneself. Feeling destroyed and defenseless.
It hurts. Life isn't our plaything, though. We're blessed to receive.
Better to come to know the truth, though the process of being stripped of cherished lies is excruciating, in an ultimately vital sense of the word.
It hurts to speak truth, uncompromisingly in love. It hurts.
And if that pain ever ceases to point in despair unto the Lord, pleading His direction and help and guidance and healing for those so prayerfully approached, then something has gone terribly awry.
Staying busy has been very helpful, in other words--whether listening, reading, doing...praying or praising. So long as there's been something to do: even conversation to enter prayerfully, seeking strength and wisdom to be capable of engaging...or some slight task to undertake, needful, but similarly prayerfully seeking strength to enable ability...
...so long as there's been something to distract from self, things have proceeded peacefully. Even unto gratitude for the Lord's keeping and strengthening in the midst. Without self-consciousness, for the most part. Just doing as prayer. Each moment requiring rest in the Lord, or otherwise incapacitated from ability to proceed.
Incapable of thinking, even--otherwise, incapacitated per having been distracted from the Lord, Who is actively giving strength and peace to proceed.
So weird.
And given one of the conversations today, and the events preceding it--a conference discussing terms of the soon-expected conversation which did then actually manifest, immediate--except that the Lord is preventing from anxiety and despair, even per distraction of pain, things would be much more difficult.
She reminds me so much of my Mom. So much. It would have thus especially been so much more difficult to have entered and endured that conversation, except for being distracted unto reliance.
I'm grateful to still be largely distracted from such anxiety.
Never expected to be so grateful for pain. Not as to cling to it, but grateful for the freedom the Lord has granted in the midst, per it. Freedom from anxiety, although anxiety initially attempted to overwhelm per vulnerability wrought through exhaustion.
Doesn't matter, though. Just...another day.
Bittersweet, really: Heartbreaking to meet others across the divide and have no ready means of traversing to easy communication. Not even being able to compromise, effectively, for reason of necessarily refraining from duplicity--rather to be entirely forthright, despite that it is not wanted, not well-received. Even if entered with love, forthrightness can still often be perceived as callousness per not constituting a desired response. Especially as never perfectly done.
Another sorrow, then, brought to the Lord. Even witnessing of Him and directing to Him in the midst of such dire conversation is likewise sorrowfully surrendered. Reminding He is God, we are not--no matter how we might delude ourselves or aspire otherwise--gently, lovingly prodded...is no less, still, a heartbreak surrendered, imperfectly conveyed.
Hurting, as others hurting. But unwilling to manifest a lie for the sake of proffering a temporary, false solace--prayerfully enduring and entering the painful path of speaking and clinging to truth.
Similar to the time with family: Being convicted by my own actions as grieving the Lord, so withdrawing from such actions, then providing explanation for doing so and clarifying an inability to return to prior interactions as grieved the Lord alongside others. Having been grieved by sin, withdrawing from it, explaining why, then being very much despised, as result.
So tempted, so very tempted for months to speak false words redacting the limitations against sinful indulgence, as to eliminate distance instituted thereby. So, so tempted to go back to the former way, for sake of gaining a false peace. For sake of being accepted, again, rather than despised.
But the dilemma wasn't a matter of emotional preservation, not a matter of merely wanting to be freed from the terror of ongoing, random manifestations of rage. My actual dilemma hinged upon realization that redaction of convictions would thereafter constitute reentry upon the grievous course of convicted sins again, thus again to be continually desperate for deliverance as grieved by my own actions. Again and again, the temptation came to redact my refusal to engage in particulars--just for sake of having some sort of peace. Over all the months endured thusly, I very prayerfully and continually besought the Lord to direct me, no matter the cost to self.
Willing, again and again, to be utterly humiliated if so to honor Him. So long as He would guide, assuredly.
But continually restrained from seeking a false peace, despite the terrors.
And His peace...was deeper still, thankfully. Though the terror was so loud.
Same now as then, in so many ways.
I cannot begin to understand how He must grieve to endure scourging, scouring, and chastising us, given the infinite depth of His love. Love enough to endure it, Himself, that we might be delivered from the worst of our due.
He would rather have endured it, Himself, than that we would. His Son, in our stead. And how much more, even then, would such love seek to direct and preserve us from what otherwise would destroy us?...and what grief, to mete our just punishments upon His own son. Just so that we could be redeemed.
All entered and endured for sake of our salvation.
How precious a gift Jesus is, Himself. Beyond measure.
So it's an honor and a privilege to be permitted to enter anything along what sufferings He endured: rejection, mockery, being slighted and despised. For sake of His name, His truth, His direction.
I never in my life would have expected those who would despise and reject me most vociferously would be pastors, after coming to know Christ. Like being despised by one's nearest kin. Which...isn't off-point, itself, as matters stand.
In unfortunate ways.
On that point, and of the whole, communication is such a strange thing. Like even with these lines here "penned"--only bits and pieces strewn, and I'm not exactly thinking deeply on how they settle, nor of what potential shapes might seem to form in the gaps, from the midst, between the lines. Just bits and pieces. Only the Lord knows what else--I'm not concerned, except that sometimes after the fact He makes apparent some particular possibilities for interpretation which aren't realized prior.
Especially right now, though, I'm not concerned. And in general really needn't be. He'll do as He will, and it's not my concern.
I'll seek Him. I'll continue to press on toward Him. And when situations like the one today arise, I'll trust Him to walk me through. No matter how difficult, no matter how painful. He got me through the six-month cold war, entirely surrounded and with ongoing attempts at manipulation per all possible means by which to do so. He'll get me through this, too.
Doesn't mean it won't hurt. Doesn't mean I won't grieve, over process.
Doesn't mean I won't plead for deliverance and restraint, for wisdom and strength.
I will trust Him, though.
And if He so chooses to use me as periodic instrument for speaking and defending truth--lovingly though uncompromisingly--then it won't be without pain.
I remember what it's like to be in a position of unyielding torment. I remember what it's like to be confronted with a truth that scorches and defies every ability to attempt denial. Being enraged, shattered, devastated, and unraveled from the inside out, feeling totally helpless, grieved, and betrayed even by oneself. Feeling destroyed and defenseless.
It hurts. Life isn't our plaything, though. We're blessed to receive.
Better to come to know the truth, though the process of being stripped of cherished lies is excruciating, in an ultimately vital sense of the word.
It hurts to speak truth, uncompromisingly in love. It hurts.
And if that pain ever ceases to point in despair unto the Lord, pleading His direction and help and guidance and healing for those so prayerfully approached, then something has gone terribly awry.
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Social Decay
Interesting, how little news there ended up being about the replica arch actually going up in New York. There were even reports that it was cancelled for display. But, no--apparently not. Still went up. A monument to human efforts to remain steadfast despite tragedy, despite suffering. Which, if that were in context of acknowledging God, then well be it. But it's not.
The arch which was up and is now traveling internationally as a temporary installment in particular, prestigious cities apparently served as some sort of entrance to the temple of Baal. Wiki says it connected the main social thoroughfare, the Colonnade, with the temple. The entrance, yeah.
It's so easy to pass off things like that as being inconsequential. As though there were no significance. As though there were no meaning.
We all tend to shrug things off. The nation of Israel certainly did, too--long years of complacent ignorance maintained in remaining turned toward idolatries of all sorts, despite many whom the Lord sent to plead truth, pleading a return to Him.
Again and again.
Thing is, though, if the only thing wrought is fearfulness and anxiety, then that's not of the Lord, either. I remember hearing mention of holy desperation at various points, yet even there...weeping between the altar and the porch?
Calling all to fast, coming to solemn assembly?
Really, though, except that the Lord lead and direct, there's no point.
It's just so strange, though, hearing about suffering in so many other places but having seen the desperation and utter desolation in the eyes of so many, hereabouts. Total dejection. Total despair. No hope. No friends. No family. And so many people without homes, living on the streets--some per addictions, some per abject inability to function as part of society, and some due to general dysfunction. Some are incapable of work, for all the many varied reasons.
Mental illness is so prevalent, as part of the all. Increasingly. Even as society increasingly fails to mend and increasingly turns toward modes of operation which marginalize and destroy the weak, the defenseless, and the poor--silently marginalizing and crushing the life out of them, for the most part.
The only answer I have is Christ. But He is the only answer. Turn to Him, returning to honor God, individually, then to be led by Him in giving and serving and defending others. But so long as society continues to deny Him, tragedies and travesties will increase...except that He mercifully continue to largely restrain the outworkings of sin, at least.
Why are we testing Him, though? Why are we ignoring Him and acting against Him so blatantly?
There's so much scoffing at God. He says we all know He exists and who He is, but just suppress that truth in unrighteousness--so there's no excuse, is the thing. Because we all know Him for who He is, even having turned against Him. Even scorning Him.
Blatantly. Denying Him and mocking Him while simultaneously seeking to become as Him, humanity is so far set in opposition. Even with things like attempting immortality per advances in cryonics, genetics, nano-tech, bio-tech, and robotics--striving to defeat death and disease using modern technology. Which...alchemy has been a "thing" for as long as humanity has been in sin, it seems.
Just so weird to see these things. Especially weird to recognize them as acts overtly against God.
And pain came today. Which also helps distract from anxiety--cuts thoughts off before any go too far, so to allow for touching upon things which otherwise might tend to totally attempt to overwhelm it seems. Interesting, too, how pain can either temper harshness or prompt self-indulgence--either way seem as likely, except the Lord intervene continually. Especially given I do seem more
vulnerable to self-pity, unless pain obliterates ability to think straight, entirely. But prayer is vital to endurance. So, praying. The Lord's been keeping me in peace, still, primarily.
I really appreciate that the He dampens and ousts terror when things would otherwise terrify. And I will trust Him. There is nothing else.
And there's only one more day of work, for the week. One more day before there might be opportunity to recuperate. Hopefully. Had been trying to rest for the past few hours--finally gave in to coming here, in hopes that afterward exhaustion may kick in.
I know the Lord will make a way, though. He has, He is, He does do so. He will. I will trust Him.
In the midst of absolute chaos. A perfect storm? He is my hiding place. And even though vengeance is His, and He is terrifying in His majesty and power, I'm utterly grateful and find comfort to know Him as my Lord and Savior.
Not that He doesn't terrify me, still, at times.
He's God. He's beyond all imagining. Power beyond comprehension.
And I've sinned against Him. We all have.
We deserve all manner of destruction, as consequence. Very sobering thoughts.
And I think on Job and how he continually attempted to justify himself. As though he didn't deserve suffering, whatsoever, for having attempted to live a right life before God. As though he had never erred, as though he were thus somehow on equal standing with God, Himself--as though he was above reproach, thus sufficiently justified in questioning God's motives and actions in regard to himself.
God chastised him for that, outright--reminded him of holiness and of omnipotence and omniscience and eternal wisdom.
Even having recognized Job before the heavenly court as a man who was striving to live in a way which honored God, still, He chastised Job for questioning His actions and for attempting to justify himself rather than Him.
And that's what it comes down to, again and again. If we say we are above suffering--that we don't deserve it--we call God a liar. He will help us endure. And many times may deliver us from suffering, even especially into His peace. But He hasn't removed the curse of sin from the earth. And we've all sinned.
It's a very difficult truth to really consider. Thankfully, even as only through Christ's atonement, we're able to come into a position of reconciliation whereby someday we'll be delivered out of these bodies of death into ones which are like our Lord's own--new creations. Someday.
But that hasn't happened yet. And these bodies and this society and this world and all which is in and on it still suffer the ravages of the outworkings of the consequences of sin.
So sin's not a light matter that should be shrugged off. Mocking God isn't a light matter.
Suffering is wrought thereby: Grievous against God, and suffering is wrought unto others, per the curse.
Sin's somehow like a disease that gradually spreads infection, damage, and ultimately death to the cells, the tissues, the very fabric of all of creation. He allows us to have what we will, though, to some extent which He limits per grace.
I don't know where He draws the line. I don't know why He lets us rage against Him to such extents. There are so many travesties. So much suffering. So much death. But, then, maybe we're all like that, though some are restrained by grace to a greater degree of inhibition from acting upon such impulses. I can't imagine how much it grieves Him to see the pain and injustice we inflict upon each other, even. Let alone against Him, Who loves.
I don't understand the manner by which He draws us, either, really. Maybe it's still along the lines of that bit discussed yesterday regarding "types" of mission (we're all servants of God, sent to minister unto others)--one proactive, one responsive, but all being acted through and upon by God in ways largely unbeknownst us.
Maybe it's as that, still.
The intricacies are so very finely woven with varied threads of divinity entreating unto humanity and of a response which is likewise subtly discerned, intricate.
And the thing that maybe makes this all most difficult to comprehend is realization that there are legitimate paradoxes which are part of this all--like being simultaneously with Christ in the heavenly realms while also amongst the world. Paradoxical, but it's been written.
So, I don't know. So many things I don't know.
Just wanted to spend a few moments in thought.
The arch which was up and is now traveling internationally as a temporary installment in particular, prestigious cities apparently served as some sort of entrance to the temple of Baal. Wiki says it connected the main social thoroughfare, the Colonnade, with the temple. The entrance, yeah.
It's so easy to pass off things like that as being inconsequential. As though there were no significance. As though there were no meaning.
We all tend to shrug things off. The nation of Israel certainly did, too--long years of complacent ignorance maintained in remaining turned toward idolatries of all sorts, despite many whom the Lord sent to plead truth, pleading a return to Him.
Again and again.
Thing is, though, if the only thing wrought is fearfulness and anxiety, then that's not of the Lord, either. I remember hearing mention of holy desperation at various points, yet even there...weeping between the altar and the porch?
Calling all to fast, coming to solemn assembly?
Really, though, except that the Lord lead and direct, there's no point.
It's just so strange, though, hearing about suffering in so many other places but having seen the desperation and utter desolation in the eyes of so many, hereabouts. Total dejection. Total despair. No hope. No friends. No family. And so many people without homes, living on the streets--some per addictions, some per abject inability to function as part of society, and some due to general dysfunction. Some are incapable of work, for all the many varied reasons.
Mental illness is so prevalent, as part of the all. Increasingly. Even as society increasingly fails to mend and increasingly turns toward modes of operation which marginalize and destroy the weak, the defenseless, and the poor--silently marginalizing and crushing the life out of them, for the most part.
The only answer I have is Christ. But He is the only answer. Turn to Him, returning to honor God, individually, then to be led by Him in giving and serving and defending others. But so long as society continues to deny Him, tragedies and travesties will increase...except that He mercifully continue to largely restrain the outworkings of sin, at least.
Why are we testing Him, though? Why are we ignoring Him and acting against Him so blatantly?
There's so much scoffing at God. He says we all know He exists and who He is, but just suppress that truth in unrighteousness--so there's no excuse, is the thing. Because we all know Him for who He is, even having turned against Him. Even scorning Him.
Blatantly. Denying Him and mocking Him while simultaneously seeking to become as Him, humanity is so far set in opposition. Even with things like attempting immortality per advances in cryonics, genetics, nano-tech, bio-tech, and robotics--striving to defeat death and disease using modern technology. Which...alchemy has been a "thing" for as long as humanity has been in sin, it seems.
Just so weird to see these things. Especially weird to recognize them as acts overtly against God.
And pain came today. Which also helps distract from anxiety--cuts thoughts off before any go too far, so to allow for touching upon things which otherwise might tend to totally attempt to overwhelm it seems. Interesting, too, how pain can either temper harshness or prompt self-indulgence--either way seem as likely, except the Lord intervene continually. Especially given I do seem more
vulnerable to self-pity, unless pain obliterates ability to think straight, entirely. But prayer is vital to endurance. So, praying. The Lord's been keeping me in peace, still, primarily.
I really appreciate that the He dampens and ousts terror when things would otherwise terrify. And I will trust Him. There is nothing else.
And there's only one more day of work, for the week. One more day before there might be opportunity to recuperate. Hopefully. Had been trying to rest for the past few hours--finally gave in to coming here, in hopes that afterward exhaustion may kick in.
I know the Lord will make a way, though. He has, He is, He does do so. He will. I will trust Him.
In the midst of absolute chaos. A perfect storm? He is my hiding place. And even though vengeance is His, and He is terrifying in His majesty and power, I'm utterly grateful and find comfort to know Him as my Lord and Savior.
Not that He doesn't terrify me, still, at times.
He's God. He's beyond all imagining. Power beyond comprehension.
And I've sinned against Him. We all have.
We deserve all manner of destruction, as consequence. Very sobering thoughts.
And I think on Job and how he continually attempted to justify himself. As though he didn't deserve suffering, whatsoever, for having attempted to live a right life before God. As though he had never erred, as though he were thus somehow on equal standing with God, Himself--as though he was above reproach, thus sufficiently justified in questioning God's motives and actions in regard to himself.
God chastised him for that, outright--reminded him of holiness and of omnipotence and omniscience and eternal wisdom.
Even having recognized Job before the heavenly court as a man who was striving to live in a way which honored God, still, He chastised Job for questioning His actions and for attempting to justify himself rather than Him.
And that's what it comes down to, again and again. If we say we are above suffering--that we don't deserve it--we call God a liar. He will help us endure. And many times may deliver us from suffering, even especially into His peace. But He hasn't removed the curse of sin from the earth. And we've all sinned.
It's a very difficult truth to really consider. Thankfully, even as only through Christ's atonement, we're able to come into a position of reconciliation whereby someday we'll be delivered out of these bodies of death into ones which are like our Lord's own--new creations. Someday.
But that hasn't happened yet. And these bodies and this society and this world and all which is in and on it still suffer the ravages of the outworkings of the consequences of sin.
So sin's not a light matter that should be shrugged off. Mocking God isn't a light matter.
Suffering is wrought thereby: Grievous against God, and suffering is wrought unto others, per the curse.
Sin's somehow like a disease that gradually spreads infection, damage, and ultimately death to the cells, the tissues, the very fabric of all of creation. He allows us to have what we will, though, to some extent which He limits per grace.
I don't know where He draws the line. I don't know why He lets us rage against Him to such extents. There are so many travesties. So much suffering. So much death. But, then, maybe we're all like that, though some are restrained by grace to a greater degree of inhibition from acting upon such impulses. I can't imagine how much it grieves Him to see the pain and injustice we inflict upon each other, even. Let alone against Him, Who loves.
I don't understand the manner by which He draws us, either, really. Maybe it's still along the lines of that bit discussed yesterday regarding "types" of mission (we're all servants of God, sent to minister unto others)--one proactive, one responsive, but all being acted through and upon by God in ways largely unbeknownst us.
Maybe it's as that, still.
The intricacies are so very finely woven with varied threads of divinity entreating unto humanity and of a response which is likewise subtly discerned, intricate.
And the thing that maybe makes this all most difficult to comprehend is realization that there are legitimate paradoxes which are part of this all--like being simultaneously with Christ in the heavenly realms while also amongst the world. Paradoxical, but it's been written.
So, I don't know. So many things I don't know.
Just wanted to spend a few moments in thought.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Wandering Blind, Except for Grace
The past fews days would almost seem a dream, so serene, except that there's been continued assault on so many sides. And maybe that's how things were last week, too, in part.
Just not thinking so much, but trusting the Lord. Still, and for the past year+ have been praying about being crucified with Christ. Dead, since He died for all. Alive only in Him.
I want Him and have been asking Him for many months, intermittently, to let me see things as they are. There'd been times in the past when sight cleared for just a moment, only without having been sheltered in the Lord. So, utterly terrifying.
The way our lives go in this society is really, seriously strange, is all. We all take things completely for granted as being "normal," but without contemplating the truth of who God is. There's so much rushing around, so much pushing for various things that aren't needful, so much meaning given to things which aren't meaningful. So much and increasingly more distraction away from God. More and more focused on self.
It sounds as though things go this way, though. Being blessed and becoming prosperous in things of the world somehow tends to leave room for falling away. God's people did it, prior to Christ's coming, over and over.
I don't understand why, still..
...it is heart-breaking, then, that He lets us have what we will. When our hearts turn to things other than Him, and He lets us have them even as it means losing focus on Him for having become more focused on something else.
I'm just going to trust Him.
It's not as though I can do anything, anyway. And for all intents and purposes, it is written that I'm effectively dead, except for being alive in Christ. So anything that's trying to exalt itself against the knowledge of Christ isn't of Him and need not be heeded (moreover, ought not be heeded).
Slight different way of looking at things, along that line of thought. I have utterly no idea how He works through things, without us all being aware the process (probably has something to do with the fact that none of us exalt Him as He's due, thus insensate to discerning His ways to sufficient extent as to rejoice in seeing and knowing His work). But He does. All things, always. All things subsist in Him.
Also means, though, that nothing happens apart from Him. Even as, like with sin, He doesn't ordain all things...there are some which He permits. Still, only as He allows or directs.
Just wondering though, on what it would be to conform to His will, to be conformed to His will. Because there's something of that in being made His child, adopted through Christ. We're still being conformed, but yet He lives in us and is always with us, too. He directs our steps.
That's been largely a blind process. No idea what's going on, but as with the past couple weeks of resting in His sovereignty, His love, His peace...I know He's pleased with me, through Christ. And I know He directs my steps. And know He guards me from accidents (except for those which will be used by Him to varied ends), and He preserves me from my enemies (except as likewise to His purposes, which are good toward me).
Just...none of us who are His truly, even knowing we aren't our own...He will have His way in and through us, without our interruption.
I just come back to this odd bit of thinking, is all, whereby there's this sense of self-exaltation that arises enough again to have me begin believing I'm somehow capable of ousting or countermanding God's will, when I have asked Him and have wholeheartedly wanted to do His will. As though, somehow, despite that He has changed me I'm somehow capable of overpowering God.
This isn't to say I didn't try. That's the whole sin dilemma.
And the crux of that dilemma is precisely that it's not possible to countermand the will of God, effectively. He allows certain leeway, but there are well-defined consequences. Yet, still, He made way for us to be reconciled to Him, despite our willful defiance (defiance, to our own detriment).
And maybe that's the core of this, now. What is reconciliation with Him?
If we are reconciled to God through Christ Jesus, then what does that mean in terms of what we were restored into? As far as I can still tell, it's to fellowship, love, loving obedience, absolute and total conscious dependence. This, as being opposed to what the status quo is outside Christ--defiance, rebellion, hatred, disobedience, willfulness, self-exaltation as believing self capable of being as God (being able to discern right and wrong, primarily).
So, if the one is delusion and the other truth, then where do I stand in Christ? And what does it look like, in terms of daily life?
I'm just really dragging my feet about presenting the particular idea that's been going around, because it's so...simultaneously humiliating to sense of self while also causing to bow my head in reverent, stricken wonder that God would use such broken vessels.
There are two pictures of missions which had been the only I'd ever considered as existent (even considering there to be offshoots and variants from each type).
One, characterized by overt, dogmatic "going" and much activity geared toward "doing" and "being" as God would have--whether driven per what's revealed in His Word and by His Spirit or driven merely per an understanding of His Word:
International missions. Inner-city missions. Street preachers, for that matter. Just, particularly identifiable per blatant and obvious reaching out to others.
Secondly, as an initially or always quieter response--per practice of waiting upon God. Going and doing as He directly leads, per His Spirit and as confirmed by His Word. Whether into acts or works which are never seen nor heard nor known of by anyone apart from God, or into acts and works which eventually are built by God to a point of international impact. Either way, concerned with personal direction, though as seeking God to directly lead every step.
But it seems like there's a third "type" descriptive of all who are His: Unbeknownst us, we're being moved and used according to His Almighty, sovereign will. He leads without our awareness, directs our words and works without our knowledge. And even as He may prompt us to pray when we arrive somewhere or encounter someone or a circumstance, then for Him to've even seen fit to interpose one who is His--He's already actively involved Himself. Even as in the entire world.
It's a matter of perspective, is the point: I'm very big in my own eyes, except that I look at God and forget myself to some real extent.
Ultimately, living in Christ means I'm not my own anyway.
And there was a very minor battle over that, a few days ago. Something still wanted to argue there's something worthy of retaining and defending and coddling, of self...something of self worth being pursued: something worthy of justification apart from Christ moreover.
Which is a lie. Just took a few moments to remember what sin is and what it wrought, even as my Lord sacrified Himself to save me out of sin, then everything I was and am which was or is prone to sin is wretched and worthy of being put to death.
So anything which ever was or could be good in or of me, then, ultimately is only because of His mercy, His love for me, and is grace. Meaning, overall, that there's nothing of self worth salvaging, nothing of self which warrants justification, and nothing of self capable of doing anything good, except the Lord has intercede to redeem and transform into His likeness.
He's even been merciful enough to let me see how quickly I stray, even after having come to know and love Him...except that He continually intercedes and intervenes, mercifully, I would still be utterly lost as totally incapable of doing actual good apart from Him.
Seriously. I can't even manage to read Scripture consistently except that He directly intervene. Just haven't the will to do so--despite wanting to; haven't the strength--despite being given to things like this, here; and, the worst of all is that when He allows me the strength and will apart from also simultaneously keeping me humble, that which is of the flesh then begins seeming-immediately to become smug with self-satisfied self-righteousness for having done something "right." It's horrible.
So, there's nothing except to trust Him.
He does all the work which is good, in us and unto us and through us, otherwise no good would come. It's not just a matter of only being "partially" bad, but of matters which aren't wholly good only being redeemable as fit for His use as He redeems.
Anyways. Words.
Just not thinking so much, but trusting the Lord. Still, and for the past year+ have been praying about being crucified with Christ. Dead, since He died for all. Alive only in Him.
I want Him and have been asking Him for many months, intermittently, to let me see things as they are. There'd been times in the past when sight cleared for just a moment, only without having been sheltered in the Lord. So, utterly terrifying.
The way our lives go in this society is really, seriously strange, is all. We all take things completely for granted as being "normal," but without contemplating the truth of who God is. There's so much rushing around, so much pushing for various things that aren't needful, so much meaning given to things which aren't meaningful. So much and increasingly more distraction away from God. More and more focused on self.
It sounds as though things go this way, though. Being blessed and becoming prosperous in things of the world somehow tends to leave room for falling away. God's people did it, prior to Christ's coming, over and over.
I don't understand why, still..
...it is heart-breaking, then, that He lets us have what we will. When our hearts turn to things other than Him, and He lets us have them even as it means losing focus on Him for having become more focused on something else.
I'm just going to trust Him.
It's not as though I can do anything, anyway. And for all intents and purposes, it is written that I'm effectively dead, except for being alive in Christ. So anything that's trying to exalt itself against the knowledge of Christ isn't of Him and need not be heeded (moreover, ought not be heeded).
Slight different way of looking at things, along that line of thought. I have utterly no idea how He works through things, without us all being aware the process (probably has something to do with the fact that none of us exalt Him as He's due, thus insensate to discerning His ways to sufficient extent as to rejoice in seeing and knowing His work). But He does. All things, always. All things subsist in Him.
Also means, though, that nothing happens apart from Him. Even as, like with sin, He doesn't ordain all things...there are some which He permits. Still, only as He allows or directs.
Just wondering though, on what it would be to conform to His will, to be conformed to His will. Because there's something of that in being made His child, adopted through Christ. We're still being conformed, but yet He lives in us and is always with us, too. He directs our steps.
That's been largely a blind process. No idea what's going on, but as with the past couple weeks of resting in His sovereignty, His love, His peace...I know He's pleased with me, through Christ. And I know He directs my steps. And know He guards me from accidents (except for those which will be used by Him to varied ends), and He preserves me from my enemies (except as likewise to His purposes, which are good toward me).
Just...none of us who are His truly, even knowing we aren't our own...He will have His way in and through us, without our interruption.
I just come back to this odd bit of thinking, is all, whereby there's this sense of self-exaltation that arises enough again to have me begin believing I'm somehow capable of ousting or countermanding God's will, when I have asked Him and have wholeheartedly wanted to do His will. As though, somehow, despite that He has changed me I'm somehow capable of overpowering God.
This isn't to say I didn't try. That's the whole sin dilemma.
And the crux of that dilemma is precisely that it's not possible to countermand the will of God, effectively. He allows certain leeway, but there are well-defined consequences. Yet, still, He made way for us to be reconciled to Him, despite our willful defiance (defiance, to our own detriment).
And maybe that's the core of this, now. What is reconciliation with Him?
If we are reconciled to God through Christ Jesus, then what does that mean in terms of what we were restored into? As far as I can still tell, it's to fellowship, love, loving obedience, absolute and total conscious dependence. This, as being opposed to what the status quo is outside Christ--defiance, rebellion, hatred, disobedience, willfulness, self-exaltation as believing self capable of being as God (being able to discern right and wrong, primarily).
So, if the one is delusion and the other truth, then where do I stand in Christ? And what does it look like, in terms of daily life?
I'm just really dragging my feet about presenting the particular idea that's been going around, because it's so...simultaneously humiliating to sense of self while also causing to bow my head in reverent, stricken wonder that God would use such broken vessels.
There are two pictures of missions which had been the only I'd ever considered as existent (even considering there to be offshoots and variants from each type).
One, characterized by overt, dogmatic "going" and much activity geared toward "doing" and "being" as God would have--whether driven per what's revealed in His Word and by His Spirit or driven merely per an understanding of His Word:
International missions. Inner-city missions. Street preachers, for that matter. Just, particularly identifiable per blatant and obvious reaching out to others.
Secondly, as an initially or always quieter response--per practice of waiting upon God. Going and doing as He directly leads, per His Spirit and as confirmed by His Word. Whether into acts or works which are never seen nor heard nor known of by anyone apart from God, or into acts and works which eventually are built by God to a point of international impact. Either way, concerned with personal direction, though as seeking God to directly lead every step.
But it seems like there's a third "type" descriptive of all who are His: Unbeknownst us, we're being moved and used according to His Almighty, sovereign will. He leads without our awareness, directs our words and works without our knowledge. And even as He may prompt us to pray when we arrive somewhere or encounter someone or a circumstance, then for Him to've even seen fit to interpose one who is His--He's already actively involved Himself. Even as in the entire world.
It's a matter of perspective, is the point: I'm very big in my own eyes, except that I look at God and forget myself to some real extent.
Ultimately, living in Christ means I'm not my own anyway.
And there was a very minor battle over that, a few days ago. Something still wanted to argue there's something worthy of retaining and defending and coddling, of self...something of self worth being pursued: something worthy of justification apart from Christ moreover.
Which is a lie. Just took a few moments to remember what sin is and what it wrought, even as my Lord sacrified Himself to save me out of sin, then everything I was and am which was or is prone to sin is wretched and worthy of being put to death.
So anything which ever was or could be good in or of me, then, ultimately is only because of His mercy, His love for me, and is grace. Meaning, overall, that there's nothing of self worth salvaging, nothing of self which warrants justification, and nothing of self capable of doing anything good, except the Lord has intercede to redeem and transform into His likeness.
He's even been merciful enough to let me see how quickly I stray, even after having come to know and love Him...except that He continually intercedes and intervenes, mercifully, I would still be utterly lost as totally incapable of doing actual good apart from Him.
Seriously. I can't even manage to read Scripture consistently except that He directly intervene. Just haven't the will to do so--despite wanting to; haven't the strength--despite being given to things like this, here; and, the worst of all is that when He allows me the strength and will apart from also simultaneously keeping me humble, that which is of the flesh then begins seeming-immediately to become smug with self-satisfied self-righteousness for having done something "right." It's horrible.
So, there's nothing except to trust Him.
He does all the work which is good, in us and unto us and through us, otherwise no good would come. It's not just a matter of only being "partially" bad, but of matters which aren't wholly good only being redeemable as fit for His use as He redeems.
Anyways. Words.
The Great Divide
Daily trust. Moment by moment.
The world really is set against Him. From the inside out. Such that interaction is a very strange thing, some days, especially being called to walk in such a way as maintains peace with all others so long as it depends upon me.
Not to knowingly create offense, except as the Lord does sometimes direct to speak truth and take a stand for truth, blatantly.
The world doesn't have a problem with giving lip-service, just speaking without any significant meaning behind the words. Not a problem at all. No issue with folks giving proclamations regarding truth, so long as there's no real insistence upon core, vital absolutes which countermand and denounce self-indulgences.
So long as the shades spoken don't actually deride mankind's insistence upon self-determination and self-realization and the capabilities of our intellect.
So long as there's no real, living reminder of God's sovereignty and omnipotence.
So long as there's no call to abandon self-will in favor of accepting that God's will is supreme and overshadows every single aspect of our lives.
So long as there's no reminder that each of us are wretched beyond imagining, for ever having turned even a partial glance away from the goodness of God and abject love unto obedience to Him.
So long as there's no serious consideration of the fact that we all deserve absolute demolition per wrath due us, per ever having even given serious consideration to relying upon ourselves (to the inherent exclusion of absolute dependence upon God, for which we were designed)...let alone having done so.
If there's any room left to allow a minor bit of doubtful consideration akin to, "well, really how bad can it be just to depend upon my own senses for direction?"...we're effectively still calling God a liar and exalting ourselves.
He said so. And like Paul recorded, if all the world decides to consider that wrong or short-sighted, then all mankind is to be considered a liar, while yet God is ever true.
The world is fine with wishy-washy in betweens which allow room for doubt and allow a lot of room for compromise and inconsistencies. It can mock that along with its own self-mocking, degrading lifestyle.
But the world doesn't well abide being told it's wrong, in terms which effectively exalt the truth of who God is and what He's done and is doing.
As long as room for doubt persists, the world may tend to have a lot of influence.
We're called to be in the world but not of it. Yet how much do we each compromise? When we're blessed in material goods and even social prosperity, especially. There's such a latent human (fallen) tendency to rely very heavily on anything visible, tangible instead of upon God, even if as being "in addition" to reliance upon Him.
The most merciful thing He could do would be to draw us near to Himself and cleanse us of these idols by whatever means necessary. Such that we could worship more fully in spirit and truth, trusting more fully and unwaveringly, being less burdened by all or anything because of a more complete reliance upon Him. So much less stress, that way, if every moment were given to rejoicing. If every moment were known to be wholly held in His hands.
And if His love were more fully comprehended, and His will toward us were more fully realized. For our eyes having been more fully cleared and our ears more fully unstopped.
The terror of seeing the actual state of the world is relieved in direct proportion to depth of awareness of the truth of who God is, especially as increasingly remaining conscious of His abiding love and of His present help and good will toward us...relieved in proportion then to intimacy of relationship with Him, in pure and spiritual terms.
He directs these things, though. Even inspiring a desire in us to be nearer Him--He manifests that within our hearts, or otherwise we'd remain insensate.
Ask Him.
Trust Him.
He does help.
The world really is set against Him. From the inside out. Such that interaction is a very strange thing, some days, especially being called to walk in such a way as maintains peace with all others so long as it depends upon me.
Not to knowingly create offense, except as the Lord does sometimes direct to speak truth and take a stand for truth, blatantly.
The world doesn't have a problem with giving lip-service, just speaking without any significant meaning behind the words. Not a problem at all. No issue with folks giving proclamations regarding truth, so long as there's no real insistence upon core, vital absolutes which countermand and denounce self-indulgences.
So long as the shades spoken don't actually deride mankind's insistence upon self-determination and self-realization and the capabilities of our intellect.
So long as there's no real, living reminder of God's sovereignty and omnipotence.
So long as there's no call to abandon self-will in favor of accepting that God's will is supreme and overshadows every single aspect of our lives.
So long as there's no reminder that each of us are wretched beyond imagining, for ever having turned even a partial glance away from the goodness of God and abject love unto obedience to Him.
So long as there's no serious consideration of the fact that we all deserve absolute demolition per wrath due us, per ever having even given serious consideration to relying upon ourselves (to the inherent exclusion of absolute dependence upon God, for which we were designed)...let alone having done so.
If there's any room left to allow a minor bit of doubtful consideration akin to, "well, really how bad can it be just to depend upon my own senses for direction?"...we're effectively still calling God a liar and exalting ourselves.
He said so. And like Paul recorded, if all the world decides to consider that wrong or short-sighted, then all mankind is to be considered a liar, while yet God is ever true.
The world is fine with wishy-washy in betweens which allow room for doubt and allow a lot of room for compromise and inconsistencies. It can mock that along with its own self-mocking, degrading lifestyle.
But the world doesn't well abide being told it's wrong, in terms which effectively exalt the truth of who God is and what He's done and is doing.
As long as room for doubt persists, the world may tend to have a lot of influence.
We're called to be in the world but not of it. Yet how much do we each compromise? When we're blessed in material goods and even social prosperity, especially. There's such a latent human (fallen) tendency to rely very heavily on anything visible, tangible instead of upon God, even if as being "in addition" to reliance upon Him.
The most merciful thing He could do would be to draw us near to Himself and cleanse us of these idols by whatever means necessary. Such that we could worship more fully in spirit and truth, trusting more fully and unwaveringly, being less burdened by all or anything because of a more complete reliance upon Him. So much less stress, that way, if every moment were given to rejoicing. If every moment were known to be wholly held in His hands.
And if His love were more fully comprehended, and His will toward us were more fully realized. For our eyes having been more fully cleared and our ears more fully unstopped.
The terror of seeing the actual state of the world is relieved in direct proportion to depth of awareness of the truth of who God is, especially as increasingly remaining conscious of His abiding love and of His present help and good will toward us...relieved in proportion then to intimacy of relationship with Him, in pure and spiritual terms.
He directs these things, though. Even inspiring a desire in us to be nearer Him--He manifests that within our hearts, or otherwise we'd remain insensate.
Ask Him.
Trust Him.
He does help.
Monday, November 7, 2016
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Songs: Hallelujah! What a Savior - Ascend the Hill, Savior King - The Ascent, Lay it Down - Matt Maher
And...I'm completely ignoring which songs have been shared, at this point. Whatever, though--musics are good. *And..."fixed" it.
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