Truth and Denial

Taking a step further back, there is awareness of general human tendency to want to interpret "fairly" according to assessment of all circumstances. But that's a wrong approach. It assumes the ability to be objective. We can't attain to objectivity, ultimately, because of who we are...what we are.

It's the worldview problem that Jason Lisle talks about, really. We bring presuppositions inherent our worldview silently into any attempt to assess and analyze and interpret. Which is how science works, even--based upon the ideas that it's possible to observe and to seek for consistency in such a way as allows description of the dynamics by which our universe operates. But we're still not being objective--we're still subject to those same dynamics, all the while. And our understanding of them is colored by that fact.

When it comes to situations regarding people, though, things are that much trickier.

The field I'm in apparently "teaches" how to be "clinical" at master's level education. Which is how to be uninvolved emotionally, unaffected, and unimpacted so as to assess objectively. Thing is...that's not exactly sound logic.

Attempting to be something other than who and what you are doesn't somehow position you more appropriately to assess the experiences of others, because you can't be other than yourself. No point going further down that small thought trail--it's all just an off-shoot of that idea, no matter which perspective the whole deal is viewed from.

And at the core of that, as regards all the things...who and what we are is not exempt from being considered in context of who God is, or otherwise there's just a more fundamental deviation from truth.

From what I understand (which is pretty simplistic), you can't accommodate a deviation from absolute truth on a fundamental level without significantly detracting from the overall ability to comprehend truth. An error in analysis follows, always.

So, the more deviant from truth, the less ability to discern it.

Jesus said none of us can know truth. Can't even recognize it. The Spirit of Truth isn't in us.

Not until we come to Him, drawn to Him.

But either way, point being...knowing truth isn't something of us.

Human nature has been too corrupted by workings of sin to be capable of discerning truth. So any ideas about being able to "fairly assess" situations are going to be pretty off target--only as the Lord leads can we discern fairly.

And this isn't very well relayed...I feel like there are a lot of gaps, but I'm not inclined to fill them in right now. And there's probably a bit where I'm either borderline or over the line with conclusions. But whatever. One step at a time.

Working where I do, where "clinical interventions" are a Thing...this has all just been a point of prayerful consideration. My position isn't clinical, quite. It's odd.

And I don't care who pressures me to do so, I'm not going back to college. Unless the Lord wills. In which case, He would carry me through. Otherwise, I'd end up an absolute wreck and probably homeless. I hope. Better than the alternative of being conformed.

I've got enough a mess already from falling prey to so many worldly aspirations.

So the idea of clinical thought has been a thing pondered.

And more recently, thinking/praying on what the Lord has meant of us not being ashamed before others. Not being ashamed of Him. Which...prior to that, thoughts had been turned to counting the cost of following Him and doing His will, again.

My roommate had a guy friend over last summer who helped her start a small garden in the backyard. I spent time with them both briefly, but long enough for the Lord to give opportunity to somewhat discuss Truth. Not well received, but not outright mocked either. And conversation ended on reasonable terms. They continued talking, and I went to spend time with the Lord.

Saw him with some of his friends at a store not long afterward. With one of the (yeah, not very great but something at least) evangelistic-type shirts on, as was constant. There was the whole looking away, pretending not to see. And later, when away from his friends, he acknowledged me without fanfare but without further pretending not to see me. I didn't attempt conversation, though, seeing he was afraid someone might notice he knew me.

It's odd when people pretend not to know me or treat me differently around others, just to prevent people from judging them. Running away from interaction rather than dealing with that is much preferred. No less painful, either way.

And alternately, church people scare me a lot more than those of the world-general. So I do run from them a lot in order to avoid pain. I'm not ashamed of them, though. I'm just scared, sometimes, when anxiety is speaking too loudly. Which isn't good, either.

I know the tendency is still there, though. To mock or pretend not to be close to someone because they're not "cool" or "acceptable." It's not something I ever got very far into, more generally being on the receiving end--and I usually just dealt with the fact that some folks wouldn't speak to me when other people were around, just accepted it. For the sake of just still being able to interact with them, elsewhere, even if it hurts to know people think so lowly of you that they treat you like a stranger when the "cool" people are around, if they speak to you or look at you, at all.

But I did as much to the Lord, when I was young. A lot. Mocked Him with others, even. And I remember how it seared my soul the first time I did it. Or even like a white-hot blade to the heart. And a terror. But I did it anyway. Mocking my God and Savior, pretending not to know Him...in order to be cool, to fit in. And I was ashamed to acknowledge Jesus in front of others. And that sense of shame lingers, still, and I hate it. And the response has sometimes been to want to just act in defiance of it, belligerently talking about Him without regard for His leading. Just to defy shame. Just to defy the temptation to still deny Him.

The Lord has been dealing with me over that point a lot, lately. Because it's not really so much a loving thing to do, to pretend not to care for someone because others don't approve. Thing is, I know I'm wretched on that point. I know so much of my every self-seeking, fallen, prideful, self-preserving tendency is to save face in front of other folks whose opinion of myself I esteem more highly than the feelings of my Beloved...by either not talking about Him as He leads or refusing to acknowledge Him in their presence...or even by denying His leading and being defiant in speaking about Him with another spirit than that of love.

Fear is how it plays out, though. Being afraid to talk about Him and acknowledge Him. Because, (as with CCR) there have been sharp rebukes, snide comments as mockery, and a general rejection from even society, otherwise. All this, often regardless of whether I speak or remain silent of my love for the Lord, now.

Being in a different church doesn't mean people won't reject. Doesn't mean they won't mock. Doesn't mean they won't wrongly rebuke.

And doubly so, of the world.

But if I love Jesus, my Redeemer and King, I won't let the fear and the remembrance of pain and expectation of mockery or rejection control me.

I will honor His love for me and mine for Him.

And given He is so gracious and kind and understanding--long-suffering regarding even this wretched defiance which would so easily turn against Him who loves so much--I have been and will and am asking Him to help me acknowledge Him more openly, as He would lead.

So, still not just a free-for-all going around and blasting "truth" in the face of others for sake of somehow attempting compliance by being annoying. But lovingly, I want to acknowledge Him increasingly openly. As He leads.

Even being honest about such a wretched thing as being sometimes ashamed to acknowledge and speak of the One who has love me so much as to die for me is heart-rending. Grievous.

There's nothing quite like being publicly rejected by someone you love, is all. It cuts to the quick. I'm thus all the more grateful to know love covers a multitude of sins. Hoping and praying the Lord will help. I can't do anything except trust myself in His capable hands to help me.

I get so scared and overwhelmed sometimes, though...I run without reason. Too afraid to speak. Too uncertain, even. And I have no one to hide behind. I have no one other than the Lord to protect me, and unfortunately He's not physically present. So when I get especially scared or am especially hurting, I run. Unless He holds me still.
I don't know what else to do. I run to Him, which almost exclusively means running away from everything and everyone else (including myself).

But there's got to be a balance brought to that line of thought--remembering the spiritual is more vital than the physical, and more real. Otherwise, having no one other than the Lord can be a very desolate thing. Unless I'm actually remembering who He is and rejoicing in His presence.

Also, if I'm not remembering who He is, then I'm causing Him grief by considering Him less than enough. And He is long-suffering, but I don't want to grieve Him...because I do love Him. He's all I have on earth, except for momentary bits which He allots.

I have gotten caught up in wanting to have family, though. Caught up in wanting the daily companionship of others who know Him. Caught up in wanting people who love me to go home to. Caught up in wanting a place which is like home.

But I will have that. Someday. Hereafter. And I can't really allow myself to hope for anything other than that, as far as for here goes--it hurts too much, distracting just further and further from the Lord. Distracting further from resting in His love, His peace.

He will keep me, though. And part of initially confronting this tendency to shy away from public acknowledgement was opening this space to write of Him--at least to be publicly professing Him some way openly.

I miss the ability to wear evangelistic material on clothing, daily. And...well, He does lead me to speak of Him with others. And gives me the strength to do so. And the will to do so.

So maybe it's more a fear of denying Him that lingers than the actual act. But I remember the act and loathe it, in myself. And ever having been there, there's still the potential.

I'll trust Him to keep me on that count, too. And trust in His grace, for when I fail. Because I do love Him. And I want to love Him more wholeheartedly. And to walk more closely with Him.

But that's up to Him to work out. Even as from the outset, it's all been up to Him--except that I've been held still and incapacitated from running, I did run even from Him. And still would do so, except that His love constrains me and I can't bear to part from Him.

I depend upon the Lord to be well. And the more I've gotten to know Him, the more I've come to love Him, the more I've come to depend upon Him for all my emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, social needs. For everything. So turning away from Him would be all the more devastating, for being all the more His.

Yet that temptation is sometimes there. But I trust Him to help even on that front.