No Self-Deliverance

Coming through so much, right now. Every time the Lord opens my eyes to see my sin, it's as though all the world has been completely changed. As though everything has to be completely reassessed, as brought into deeper submission to the truth of who He is.

Doctrine has been a stumbling-block for me, again and again. Longing to know the Lord, longing to understand Him, and struggling to comprehend so many things...again and again, rather than solely focusing on Scripture, I have continually begun to put great weight in various doctrines. As though they were equal to His word, for having been able to relay any glimmer of His revelations from Scripture.

Some people, maybe they can read and learn from doctrine and be very much profited by the process, overtly. Maybe learning doctrine does allow some people to draw nearer to Jesus, outright.

But every time I've got caught up on doctrine, or even on focusing too much on a particular passage of Scripture to the exclusion of consideration of the whole (and especially neglecting regard for Christ, Himself, as revealed throughout Scripture)...

...every time, I get trapped in some error or another, noticeably manifesting anxiety, confusion, fear, bloodthirsty desire to see judgment (painful to admit), arrogant self-congratulation, disdain for others, lack of love of others perceived to be sinners (despite that I'm a sinner, too, saved by grace)...and on, and on, and on the list goes.

Most recently, an attempt to walk in a way which focused continually on Calvin's precepts (not even completely, only at arm's length even)...just, yeah...madness. No.

Some folks may do very well with that teaching. Some people may prosper in drawing nearer to the Lord, while reading the writings of Calvin. But I'm not one of those people.

Instead, I became hypercritical, over-analytical, judgmental, divisive, double-minded, and manipulative. All...things which were so very, very characteristic of life before coming to personally know Jesus as Savior and Lord.

He's been gracious, so gracious. Even to allow the anxiety to reach such a pitch that there was no option but to either revert to drugs or distance myself from the doctrine. Doesn't seem like a very difficult decision, put that way.

Some of the things which have been most distressing of this recent foray into error...
...is how it's led to a weird sort of dissociative manner of interaction with people, for having gotten into a habit of...1) constantly assessing self for conformity to Scriptural precepts, which (of course) led almost immediately to 2) doing the same of other people. Seeking on both counts to assess and determine standing with the Lord based upon "fruits" or whatever appears to be in compliance with bits and pieces of Scripture which attest to one's salvation in Christ.

So, suspicion of self led to suspicion of others. All, initially under the guise of "self-examination" described by Scripture, as a means of "determining whether I am in the faith/remaining in the faith," and same of others. All, under the guise of seeking the ultimate well-being of myself and others--that I and they would be saved and remain secure in Christ.

Yeah.

Thing is, all the while along all the teachings of the doctrine, there's continual mention of grace and of being saved by Christ alone, through faith alone. And there were those alongside who made a point of mentioning the need to take many more thoughts toward the Lord than toward self, along course of any self-examination.

But somewhere, somehow, that just hasn't worked at all, for me.

The answers aren't in me. And as goes my own self-determinations and self-assessments...unless He reveals the state of my heart, I remain totally oblivious to how great is the need for repentance.

He does that. When and as I seek Him, which He even leads that...but as I seek Him, He leads me to repentance.

For every deeper glimpse of His holiness, there's been a greater despair of sin come totally in tandem with a greater desire to be conformed to His likeness, His righteousness, His purity, His goodness, His love. His mercy.

For every broader awareness of His love has come a greater awareness of the comparative lifelessness and coldness of my own heart, arisen alongside a soul-deep yearning to love so deeply in response as that love which is experienced. And to love others, as well.

For every greater revelation of how vast the mercy shown is and has been and will be, there's been a deeper despairing of my own wretched inability to cease from all sin...come alongside a deeper appreciation of His patience, a more total abandonment of self in favor of dependence upon His mercies, and a greater degree of yearning for reconciliation of others to His goodness, alongside.

None of those things have come from looking into my own heart, my own actions, my own motives, my own thoughts. The opposite has been the case, in fact.

When He's been so gracious as to deliver me from self-consumption, as to focus on Him...then, it begins to become clear that my motives have been so very mixed, so very self-indulgent. When He delivers me to rest in His peace, then the hope of being further sanctified rests in awareness of His goodness and in reflection upon His faithfulness, as already evidenced.

But every time doctrine starts to hold sway over thoughts and tendencies. Every time there's a methodology considered or pursued--apart from His leading, explicitly (He leads to fast, periodically...to read Scripture, daily, or otherwise be overset by anxieties...and to reflect upon His goodness, often)..

...every time doctrine and methodology have begun to gain ground in my heart and mind, I've wound up a wreck. This, including leaning too heavily on the guidance of others, expecting to be able to fully follow others just because they have been pursuing Christ longer.

No, that hasn't gone well at all.

I idolize people, rather than affording "extra respect or honor" to them. There's not much middle ground, there--at least none yet been found. Either I idolize someone or I consider them an equal. I haven't found any middle ground, there. And it's not really something new to life following Christ, either.

The problem with the idolization, though, especially...is that the tendency I have, in becoming uncomfortable with idolization there's great inclination toward mentally/emotionally/verbally deriding the person as to "take them down a notch" in my own estimations. That's still idolatry, even though it's taken malicious undertones out of resentment for being idolatry. So, it's idolatry compounded by slander, if that temptation is heeded.

It's so bad, and it's a downward spiral, and I'd rather just not.

Because none of us are perfect. None but our Lord.

So, it's ridiculous to expect perfection of myself or others. But it's worse to search out the faults for the sake of fault-finding. We all stand or fall before Christ, alone, ultimately. And we all are full to the brim of faults. So, it's both petty and mean-spirited to seek out faults and flaws.

And for whatever reason, when I spend time reflecting on most doctrine...that's what tends to happen--looking for faults or flaws in myself or in others. Seeking out details by which to discriminate according to the tenets of a doctrinal ideology.

I don't think it goes that way for everybody. Some people seem to draw nearer to the Lord, looking at bits and pieces of doctrine. Just, personally--has to be very carefully contemplated. And, maybe...may just set it to the side, in favor of only reading Scripture. Not sure, yet.

There are doctrines I've not studied yet, so whether they'll end up derailing faith if only considered loosely rather than taken as though Scripture, themselves...awaits to be seen, very prayerfully.

But this whole thing with Calvinism taken alongside consideration of "false conversions," which has been the deal for the past year and a half (yeah, it has been that long)...

...I'm praying still that the Lord would help, would continue to deliver me from the double-mindedness. Although it's not been much a double-mindedness in terms of doubting God, it has been so in terms of maintaining an unnatural level of objectivity in interaction with pretty much everyone else to the extent that interaction has been, at times, almost completely duplicitous--yet, thinking it a good and beneficial practice.

That's not of God, though. It's just not.

Constantly attempting to "plan for" how to determine whether someone truly knows the Lord, and plan for how to attempt to get them to go to church, or how to work in a conversation about the Lord...is just falseness, duplicity. Operating with ulterior motives, all throughout interaction--the Lord makes way for those things, or they won't be of Him. Although He may bless such misguided efforts, still, just for sake of being so merciful as He is...still, it seems very wrong to be duplicitous in that way.

For instance, I can't simultaneously cross-examine someone, with intent to determine their standing with the Lord just according to all their actions and speech, while acting as though I'm interacting without the ulterior motive of determining their present need for salvation...and consider that an honest interaction. The world does those things, without a second thought--I used to, without a second thought. Even just to determine my own standing, at times.

And in all the many years before coming to know Christ, whenever I'd mention to newly met people that one of my foremost interests was psychology, there'd be an immediate (visible) recoil and the question, "Well, you're not going to analyze me, are you?"

Obviously, their concerns were well founded. But at the same time, their natural inclination to withdraw from that type of interaction is very understandable. The type of objectivity required in order to always be analytically assessing while continuing a seeming-sincere interaction means that sincerity of interaction is superficial. Because there are ulterior, intentional processes consciously being tracked throughout interaction.

There are a whole vale of considerations, offshoots from that, which could be considered in terms of hypocrisy--just given what hypocrisy actually is. The word's a transliteration of the actual Greek term, which means actor, basically.

To have one intent while displaying another. That is to act.

My life before Christ was full of that, even having only been so much part of a very broken means of emotional and mental survival (eking by, at that--barely, so many hospitalizations)...so, it's definitely not something I'd never done before. But it's that much more distressing to have just stepped right back into it, now, while seeking Christ.

He has to do all the things. He has to free from this, and from all sin and sinful tendencies. Over time, and eventually completely (oh, what a day!). His is the power--not mine, not yours.

And while there are things that I purposefully refrain from doing because they are sin, and because there's some restraint possessed regarding those matters--then, still, the strength of will to do so is only by His grace. Because some matters of sin which would maybe seem like things that could be "easily" turned away from...they used to rule me completely, even knowing they were wrong and being convicted over them greatly and even despairing of the inability to cease.

I just didn't have the power. I didn't have the strength of will to stop and stay stopped. Even though some of the things were killing me.

He had mercy on me, though.

So, with the hypocrisy, with various sinful thoughts, with hardness of heart, with self-indulgence, with self-interest, with lack of discipline (in so many ways)...I'm continuing to strive against these things, all while throwing myself on His mercy for help.

One thing at a time.
One step at a time.

By faith, though.

Seeking to know Him, seeking to draw nearer to the God who took on flesh and died to redeem me...us...from sin. Jesus is worthy.

And He is faithful to deliver.