Don't Labor in Vain

Current things the Lord is clarifying and helping regarding:

Following Him is about following Him, regardless who understands or doesn't understand.

The temptation to justify self is serious struggle. And the temptation to exalt self is serious struggle.

Moreover, focus on people rather than God is a serious, serious shortcoming, still.

This is evident, in that consideration of self and others only has any semblance of meaning when taken entirely out of context for reverencing the truth of who God is.

As someone mentioned in some talk, months ago...even making clear that this example still falls way, way short of being accurate (infinity is...infinite...whereas this example centers upon a comprehensible scale for comparison):

Comparing or considering self in light of anything other than God makes as much sense as debating the difference between Michael Jordan and a 3-year-old child's nearness to the sun, in terms of height, if they were standing side-by-side.

Whatever case can be made, it's entirely insignificant, both being so absolutely far from the sun as to make the difference in height completely meaningless.

Isaiah got a glimpse of that, experientially, coming into the presence of the Almighty.

Prior to that point, according to Isaiah's recorded writings he'd already been out in society, preaching and admonishing--pleading and insisting the need for repentance.

Coming into the presence of the Lord, he found himself utterly wretched and in need of repentance, as well. That, comparatively, he was no less wretched than all those whom he had been admonishing to repent.

He saw himself as utterly lost, as well, in the presence of absolute holiness. And was utterly devastated, utterly and completely broken to realize himself so base and so totally corrupt--as though every word he might speak was only loathsome, being only putrid and false in contrast against utmost purity and perfect righteousness.

And so it is, crying out in desperation, counting himself worthy of destruction, crying out that the justice of his eradication be done...the Lord had mercy.

With a coal of fire, cleansed him.

Would that sanctification, entire, were instantaneous...but He has his purposes. His will be done.

Isaiah was changed. The fire purified, cleansed. And he threw himself all the more completely into reverent worship, grateful and in awe. Overcome, to receive such mercy. Grace--wholly unmerited favor. He knew himself worthy of destruction. He had seen himself as utterly depraved.

He knew he was worthy of death.

And God had mercy on him, a sinner.

He cleansed Him.
Extended grace to Him.

And enlisted him. Commissioned him.

I wonder whether he was as solitary as Elijah was. I wonder whether those, who were so markedly called of the Lord, had many earthly companions at all.

So many things.

But Isaiah...he was changed.

I wonder whether, when his message offended, he was ever given to respond. Or always to leave fully his fate in the Lord's hands, to defend or release.

He surely remembered the knowledge of such justified self-condemnation as experienced in the presence of God. Surely he never quite lost a sense of being due all destruction, and a simultaneous sense of being given a reprieve that could never be earned. Ever remembered, even as not to bemoan difficulties.

Perhaps, by grace, even as not to bemoan torture and a horrific murder. Knowing it justified and still so much less than was rightfully remembered as being due.

And even then, if he didn't fear, but counted it just to die in a manner torturous and horrific--ever forsaking thought of reputation, rather being committed to ever and only defend God's own truth and character...

...or even if he did fear, then so merciful a God as had mercy ever before...

...is faithful, to the very end.

Of speech, though. The past week has been all about speech. What is worthwhile, what is wretched.

And where the line is very finely walked, in terms of seeking counsel of brethren, then what but that the line has maybe been crossed?

Into sin.

Just another point of oddness, being considered. Seeking the Lord for clarification, seeking Him to examine my heart and mind, to reveal sin and convict. To bring repentance, for sake of His name and for even His love's sake, so faithful.

He, alone, can convict and change a heart. He, alone, can reveal truth. No matter how plainly any of us may think we speak it, unless He gives it life by shedding light unto blind eyes and bringing understanding to closed minds...

...it's just dust.

So many times, there've been moments of condemnation which were taken to be conviction...which only led to discouragement and despair and despondency, eventually to a complete forsaking of attempt, finding attempt to change utterly falling flat. Incapable of change, but told to change, or otherwise remaining condemned. After so many years, I walked away from even attempting to pursue the Lord, in part over that point. So as not to "reach the point where repentance was no longer possible."

Because the point made always implied that repentance only "counted" if it was sincere. And if it was sincere, then that meant not continuing to do the thing that had been "repented" of...because if you did continue, after repenting...then there were only so many times you could repent and not be sincere before you just couldn't repent anymore.

That was the underlying logic, at least.

Turn to Jesus. Repent of sin.
Repent of sin. Turn to Jesus.
Ask for forgiveness. Ask Him to be Lord.

And don't continue in sin.

Again and again, sin would continue. And I'd despair, constantly being unable to resist temptation. And many times not even trying, so ruled by sin as not even to realize it as the case.

But to feel condemned again, come Sunday.

And to pray again. Asking for forgiveness. Saying I'd stop.
And finding myself unable.

Till it seemed better to stop repenting, so as not to "run out of chances." Seemed better to wait, save up my few remaining chances to repent...until I'd gotten to a point where I could stop sinning.

And on another count, having completely forgotten about all those times...but returning to church, about 6 years ago with any regularity..

...I'd sometimes weep in His presence--the relief, the peace, the comfort.

But still didn't stop sinning--even having become so desperate as to have ever prayed to Him, to Jesus, again. Because death was so close, because of my lifestyle...and nothing I tried was sufficient to help me break away. Not even knowing death was fast approaching was enough to empower to stop.

I despaired of being unable to stop sinning, stop doing the things which were blatantly, literally killing me. And it wasn't till sometime 2012 that the Lord allowed me to begin to realize that grace means He's the one who does the things, makes the changes.

He doesn't condone sin. He doesn't encourage it. But the power to overcome comes from Him.

I had no power to refrain. And, in large part, though things were killing me, I still couldn't even really muster the desire to stop (except for fearing for my life, but even that wasn't really desire to stop so much as desire just not to die).

He drew me nearer. I sought Him, even like a blind man groping along a wall--even reaching out in all directions, floundering, but desperate to find something secure to latch upon. He led me, though.

I had no idea. And still have no idea. Even less so now than then, even, perhaps. Or, maybe just blind in different ways, now.

But He's done the work. I long after Him, long for His presence, long for His appearing. Yet even that desire is from Him, a gift. Grace.

Delighting in Him, as it's written, He has given me the desires of my heart. Even as unto a deeper walk with Him, a deeper awareness of Him, a deeper trust in Him. He has given those desires and fulfilled them, too. And increasingly, on all counts.

He keeps His word.

So, the work of sanctification continues.
And what need be routed, He'll have to route.

Because again and again, since having come to walk with Him, now...matters and practices which for years and even my lifetime have seemed entirely innocuous, ways of being...

...He's suddenly convicted regarding. And, despairing to find myself in a position of having erred against the Lord, my Savior...I've cried out for deliverance, for forgiveness, even pleading He would keep me from continuing in sin, but rather draw me nearer Himself. He's given me that, again and again--He's given me repentance.

And turned my heart from sin. Again and again. To the point where it's grievous. Even knowing that temptation is nothing to be mocked, but ever avoided for the sake of Christ, for the sake of His love, for the sake of what He's done.

Lovingly, gratefully, hope-filled submission to a desire to continue apart from those sins, yet knowing that pride goeth before the fall. And that pride on any one count...except that He continue to restrain, could precede a fall.

So, as in the past, even having direct mention made, discussion endeavored...all without conviction of a matter...

...all I know is to trust Him to convict.

Trust Him to banish doubt, fear, and confusion. Because He doesn't author these. He gives power, love, and a sound mind. Peace. Perfect peace.

Fearing people will do no favors, then. And even there...conviction is unto an ongoing plea for deliverance, forgiveness, and greater nearness to Him. Because He alone is capable.

Those who build the house labor in vain, unless the Lord builds it.