As He Gives

 So long since coming here. This space crosses my mind, still, and there's the desire to continue sharing of the Lord's day-to-day and month-to-month leading. Yet, He's kept me quite occupied elsewhere. 

Perhaps the moreso, soon. We'll certainly see how He guides, and what He wills. Even as another will also weigh in, quite soon.

I want to wax eloquent on the goodness of God, of how He's overseen my days and guided in grace. Things will change soon, and yet such a gracious gift He is giving...

Marriage is monumental. Apart from submitting to God--which is wholly in a different dimension, ultimately--this is the next most significant commitment that can be entered. A covenant, no less. Not a mere commitment. God unites. Inextricably bound, with a portion of His Spirit given in the union. 

Man and wife. 

This Saturday, May 13, 2023, at 11:00 am EST, I will enter such a covenant. 

You are welcome to join us. 

This is us...

Everything Changes the Same

 Underpinning all really is the need to just trust Him. 

He is trustworthy: God is unfaltering, unchanging--immutable--and He is good and infinitely wise. 

He is sovereign, too, is the thing: His will is done in all the earth. Even so, as it yet be the case that He has seen fit to endure man's rebellion for a time. Some vessels fashioned for glory and others for wrath, as it were, that He would be glorified through the manifestation of His grace in Christ, toward the one, and of His righteous, loving wrath, unto the other. 

There are sweet reprieves and blessings being granted, presently, in my own life. My heart is sore, even to own it openly. Yet, these things are so. And nonetheless are His to give or take as He wills. 

So, holding loosely to the dear blessings, I am humbled to receive such mercies. Though fruition is yet to be full, already tasted in measure for such encouragements as are known.

None of receive what we ought, is all--we all ought to receive eternal punishment, at the very least. An immediate retribution for ever having erred against Him, moreover, is justly due. 

Yet, He abstains. Longsuffering, till the full measure of Christ's reward is drawn. 

It's for His glory that we are not consumed, to the praise of the glory of His grace. 

Each to each, then, whatever comes or goes--we truly are unprofitable servants. And our right service is to offer ourselves wholly to Him, daily and in all. We are His, on the whole, regardless, so we give Him nothing but what is His by right desert. 

So, to live by faith, then? 

What is that, when all the world howls a cacophony of rage at His preeminence? Subtly, though, so that unless we hear the Shepherd's voice more deeply, still, we find ourselves easily falling into that step...

Does He not provide for His own, though? Does He not preserve us, even day by day? Some even as hand to mouth, and yet as by grace? He gives as He warrants, not as we demand. 

Yet, we are commanded to heed Him--by our very design, dependent on Him for life and breath, and all our being. 

So, who are we to question what He ordains? Except to submit, and to relent by praising Him all the while for His gracious goodness. 

Whatever the depths of woe or tragedy, is all, His love does run deeper. And He meets us there, in Christ, to redeem our ashes. A savor of life unto life, then--a light in the darkness, wending its way gloriously through, elegant and brilliantly simple. He is. And all which is, is His.

Had we ought not, then, to trust Him to do as He has said? 

Praise and Pleas

 Well, then. What can I do but fall at His feet, in praise? Though, ever I had ought...

He will keep me from idolatry. He will keep me from undue worship. He, who bought my heart and soul out from the sin I once relished, in abject hostility to His absolute perfections and righteous law. 

Jesus is enough. He is ever beyond any wildest imaginings’ wonders, of perfection and joy and gracious goodness. Words are insufficient to approach His majesty, though. 

I have and will continue to plead with Him for aid, knowing my own absolute incapability of maintaining a right heart toward Him. This (of myself) I loathe and grieve and am distressed by--how worthy is He of all worship and honor and love and trust and obedience? And, foolish as I often am, I give room to fears and doubts and concerns for tomorrow. 

My Dear Father knows my needs. 

Far better than I. 

He will keep me, even in joy. He will preserve my soul, even in delight. Because there is none which finds its fount elsewhere than from and in and of Him. And so, that must and will remain central--not by my own strength of persistence, necessarily (yet, as granted grace to uphold)...but in deferential reverence to the need for His tender, constant ministrations in capturing my gaze. 

The past few weeks, He has brought so much to the fore--in need of tending and surrender. There is an ongoing, peculiar need to count the cost. I am grateful He trains my hands for battle, that I might honor Him and love well those He places me near. I will fight--ever by submitting to the One who has overcome. As undertaken even by His grace. 

He has humbled me and will continue to do so. For that, I am deeply grateful. We each need as much, ongoing. The extents still of pride's noxious influence are still remaining discovery--I've seen enough of His ongoing work to know that need. Until the final day of absolute deliverance, whether He comes here or brings me into His presence, there. Fully delivered from all selfish desires and designs and intentions and inclinations--finally, gladly and wholly given to Him. 

So, I submit to Him in this. I have been asking Him if it is His will to give me as wife, and frankly until the deed is done I have been made quite aware that there is need still to wait upon Him. In preparation, no matter what the case, of ever waiting upon Him for all my days. 

To love Him is one matter, though. Central. Any other loves must reflect Him and direct to Him, or are not of love (and I'll have none of it, by His gracious delivering providential intercessions--I have trusted Him explicitly to guard me, even now, on that count). I would rather give my life to serving in solitude and bear His sweet fellowship solitarily amongst mankind than undertake to unite with anyone who would distract from Him Whom my Soul Loves Best. 

Oh, I long to speak of Him! 

Whatever comes or goes, Christ is always and ever mine...because He has bought me and won me, all in all. So graciously. 

Dearest Lord, I cannot praise You well. I have faltering words, which do as much to muddle as to elucidate, and though...how I long to honor You. I yearn to worship You in all this. And whatever comes. You have borne with me, so gently and constantly, with Your ever-present ministrations--by Your Spirit, through Your Word. Oh, how I love You, and long to know You ever better. 

I want just to walk more closely with You. Whatever is not of You, I can only trust that You will remove. 

And Dear Father, You are my guard and guide. You teach me and You have given me sight. I need Your pruning so much, still, and though the pain at times is so fearful to me...I yield myself wholly to You in this. You know what is good, Father. Let there be nothing in my heart which would be set aside, please. I can only ask Your aid in this, since my own heart is so obscure even to me. Please aid us, Dear Father. Let Your will be done, none other. Your will is so good. To know You and understand You, this is the sum of my desires though I am so faltering. 

Please aid us, Father. We have nothing except to wait upon You, trusting You will guide and provide. 

And of those matters which are beyond my sight even to know to ask, I commit to You knowing You know all and know best. Father, I will trust Your guidance in all this. Keep us, as such, as well, Father. In whatever ways there are tendencies or inclinations to stray in heart, thought, and deed--please have mercy on us, Dear Lord. We are at Your mercy, wholly. Please keep us cognizant of our need, by whatever means You know are best. 

Whatever the cost, Lord. This has been my cry (thought sometimes so confused) since You gave light. Even so, in all this. You have presented me with the realities, as go the call. Even as You have presented with the reality that even so--whatever You ordain to come--You will work Your works in us. 

Whatever the cost, Christ has paid. And ever let Him be my delight and joy. Father, keep us in the way which is True. We need You. Please keep our eyes and hearts ever fixed on Him Whom our Souls Love Best. 

Lord, I love you. Foremost and all in all. Keep me, draw me ever nearer. And from such and only place as that, then ever, please let me love and serve him well. Do what work is needful, that my heart will ever be true to You and to him. Please purify my heart, in all this. I entrust all to You, on all sides. 

Those Dangers, Toils, and Snares--Briefly Considered

 Quite overwrought, still, and so the need is to stay so very near to the Lord in this moment. I cannot be too lenient with myself in speech, right now. Otherwise, I am concerned of speaking amiss entirely. 

My sweet sisters, roommates, have been a great consolation and encouragement to me this evening. Reminding me of the Lord's gracious compassions, and even of those through others--that in my fear, I need to remember grace. 

Moreover, there are certain trials which are not a matter of being pressed upon in dire ways, but of encountering that which brings to light what fears are most securely held, secreted away for not having opportunity to arise. Yet, dross cannot be skimmed apart from arising to the surface. 

There is so much. Life has been a series of tragedies, in so many ways. Equally though, so many blessings, too. And though the blessings have been set to graciously preserve something of His image, despite the wretchedness which was life apart from submitting to the Lord...the tragic events and choices wrought all manner of havoc, as well. 

I have known much grief and solitude. I have known much abuse and mockery--ever so much more than now, prior to coming to know Christ. He has used those to mold me, in ways, and has done so much to heal so many wounds which had never prior been let see the light of day (but were suppressed, in desperate attempt to preserve life prior to entering His blessed keeping). 

What, when the most fundamental fears are blatantly brought to bear, though, in company? 

I cannot conceive of the patience required, and am so reluctant to be a burden to others, when to my own mind there seem as though ample alternatives would exist. If it's anything as with me, though, the appearance of such is merely so--an appearance, not realistically feasible nor desirable (or otherwise, prior permitted or pursued). 

The Lord has kept me, though, and He will keep me still, no matter what comes or goes. Which is as much the grief as any--I do not want there to be a parting. Though this desire, too, is still kept in submission to Him Whom my Soul Loves Best (by His gracious machinations in my heart, is it so). 

Listening to Mrs. Spurgeon's memoir earlier this week--or at least some portion which was hers, in a volume of his works--she prefaced with a comment on how she deliberated over sharing so freely as she was of their private relationship, but was encouraged by the remembrance he had expressly said his life could freely be writ across the sky, stating overt release of any privacy given such great esteem of all the Lord had done in his life and for him. On all counts, he considered all his life open, to be freely known. There's a measure of that, here, in so writing. 

What have I to hide, except to seek to honor the Lord and others in what I share? And so few are those who know of this space, there's nothing much to fear. My elders, yes, and some friends. But even these who know do not come, so I entrust to the Lord these publicly private musings--wherever He would bid passage.

He carries me through griefs and sorrows and joys and delights, is all, so I would rather share of these in some measure, than keep my all tightly held, in abject quiet: I will testify of His faithfulness, even in testifying of what manner of difficulties He carries me through. I will share of His grace, even through sharing of my own wrestlings with all my own humanity--seeking to bring to bear under truth, by measured strides, as through word. 

And so...there is this. 

I still cannot speak openly on certain matters, which remain kept to the Lord, alone. When He gives grace for greater clarity or solidarity with Himself (or howsoever may come the case)--as He gives leave to do so, then I'll speak plainly. Though likely elsewhere, where plain speech is preferred. 

Suffice it to say He is calling me unto deeper waters and murkier (for me, that is) than I have previously tread. He has borne and He will carry, though. Ever as He does. 

To the consternation of some, I might add. 

What scorn?--even from some of my dear friends, in recent times and months. Still, all are dear, and I understand the ire, though amiss. 

More to pray for His aid, on all sides. 

Just, as a manner of thinking: I am always too much. Expressly, too much to handle. Too much to bear. Too intense. Too wordy. Too deep a thinker. Too peculiar. Too opinionated. Too religious. Too fervent. Just...too much. For anyone to bear with, for any great length of time at close range, is a message which has been recurrent throughout life. Even my own father attested to this, in my teens, when he "gave [me] to God because there was nothing else [he] could do for [me]." 

So, that's as life has seemed and been. That has been a recurrent, underlying theme: I am ultimately a nuisance, objectionable, intolerable, and easily cast aside. 

The Lord has been One to bear with me, though I was so afraid He wouldn't. I am so fearful and have had such difficulty trusting, but He has been so gentle, patient, and kind. He has continually reassured me of His love, His intentions toward me, and His promise never to leave nor forsake me. And He has led me through great difficulties, and delivered me through and from so many terrifying circumstances. And though all hell seems intent to crush me, time and again, He has been my comfort and my shield. His Name is indeed a strong tower, into which I run. He is my Rock and my Redeemer. My Deliverer and Friend. 

Do others even pass through such things, though? 

That, too, is a latent concern resurfacing. I had been warned thrice upon coming to Christ, that both I and anyone I love would be sorely tried (moreover, and explicitly, that everything and everyone dear to me would be taken from me, and especially my sister--all, with overt implication that they would be made to suffer, as part). 

I was told to stave off my ardency toward Christ, and instead to "[just be a normal Christian and get married and have a house and a couple of kids and just go to church on Sundays]." And be content with that, rather than to seek Him ardently at any cost. Those were the options presented, explicitly: lose everything I love if I were to continue seeking Christ with such ardency, or just go and be content to follow Him at a distance, as is common. 

As an aside: In retrospect, now, I suppose the implication was I'd be able to keep everything else, then, if I would content myself with a suburban lifestyle. Which, that isn't even considering the absurdity of proposing that I could just "get married," as though that's something you can pick up at the store. I still just can't wrap my head around that...if I wanted to marry just to check off a box, I guess that would be one thing? I still don't understand how in the world folks do that, as though a task on a list. Obvi not a thing in my life. 

My sister tried to teach me how that sort of thing was supposed to work, and I've heard a lot of "pointers," since, but none of it makes any sense to me, at all. Even my "trying" of spirits, or whatnot, is as given by the Lord and not something plotted--rather, just arising out of natural compulsions, in wrestling with truth and against sin. 

In any case, there was nothing for reply in the face of that threat except to plead Christ's grace and the reality of His all-sufficient ability to sustain. What else is there? I knew I didn't have the strength to endure what was being presented. But what could I do, except pursue Him?--having at long last found something which was true and real and good and pure, and of love and a merit and power which was not my own, but given from above…

As it goes, I didn't make peace with the Devil during his last attempt to cajole--when he tried to plead his cause with me and befriend me--so I'm not sure why anyone would have thought this other sort of bargain (or the threat which had preceded and also later followed) would forestall from submitting to the One who bore my shame and delivered me into and through the power of His love. Furthermore that makes no sense, since quite frankly, none of the work of change in me--nor decisiveness, nor ardency--was of me, regardless: All was from and of Christ. All, according to His will. All by His Spirit's grace at work in me. 'Cause I had nothin' but Him--to plead or depend upon, nor to consider as wisdom, besides (ultimately). And still now, even so. 

Yet, I've been told, since, in expressing my concerns about those warnings (when first beginning to develop friends, it seemed the most loving thing to do--to let this be known) that those who are Christ's, He will lead and deliver, too. So, I shouldn't be concerned for being in fellowship with others--I shouldn't be fearful for them. And, though there's certainly discretion exercised in terms of what is appropriate to share with whom, and where and when, I've committed this all to Him, since, and largely left off warning others of this matter, regarding terms of close fellowship with me and seeking the Lord ardently alongside. 

Many others face far more, surely.. But each soul knows its own sorrows. (And we're all unprofitable servants besides...though beloved children, nonetheless. Contending over whose cross is heavier amounts to nothing but a derogation of the wisdom of the One who has given each to each, truly..)

Still, point being, there is so much which is out-of-alignment and broken in me. And it's getting some air-time right now. It is quite upending. So, I will have to trust the Lord to aid in a completely new way, with all this. 

In the past couple weeks, nights have also seen torment in the early hours. I don't so much care any more, because it's not unknown...just not so frequent, in recent years. It's a nuisance, and if it continues we'll return to our previously scheduled Bible studies at 2 or 3 or [whenever] a.m., to make good use of the time. Or, if need be--24-7 evangelism is still an option at 7-11. I'll ask the Lord what's best, in these instances. 

Just to say, there is a sense of an attack to forestall continuation, perhaps. 

And for that not to be sufficient, then I suppose the incitement of my known fears would seem another round of ammunition, or some ample ground for trampling out hope. 

Frankly, though, fear has not been sufficient to deter me in any prior event (by grace, yes), so I don't see why it would now. I'll bring it to the light, as here and in conversation with those who are not going to be impacted adversely, and let the Lord deal with me. 

Rather, though, I am so loathe to consider the pain to come if all falls apart. But, still, pain is not uncommon to me. The Lord draws near, in it. He carries me through, and gives grace for the day. Joy does indeed come in the morning. 

So, moreover, I am definitely bereft at the thought of erring against Him--knowing the ardency of my actual desires for hope to be brought to fruition, thus particularly fearful of my penchant for self-deception: I am terrified at the thought of being led amiss, thereby. So, again and again, I have pleaded with Him for mercy on that front. And I will continue to do so. So, I have and will continue to commit the matter to my Father's keeping. He has delivered me from all manner of madness in the world, He can and will certainly deliver me from selfish desires. 

Yet all the more, though, I am troubled at the prospect of troubling another, given the breadth and weight of all personal concerns as somewhat obliquely noted above. There is a great deal of wreckage to navigate. The Lord will aid, I know. And I have prayed and I will pray, and I am continuing to be humbled at the evidence of God's guidance in matters, thus far--for hope to be made sight, even in such a way (though nothing to the final hope of seeing Christ!)...is so humbling and delightful. 

I am so much nothing, is all, and yet seem too much of everything, at times. As the Lord gives sight, then, and grace. Even as, on the whole my life is rather mundane, all told: Living peaceable and quiet, as is the right passage of those who are His. 

Just, the internal battles and momentary external are rather intense. He is preparing me for the Kingdom, through afflictions.

So, we'll see, as the Lord gives, what liberties are indeed mine—though I would hope for all, of a sort, I must wait upon the Lord.

I do not know what will come, which too...is such a fearful prospect. How can I prepare for the unknown? I suppose drawing near to Christ, is all, and learning from Him what the way is for those matters I would desire most. Seeking to be fit for such matters would not be amiss, regardless. 

But who can bear with me, through all things? I know the Lord can, so then, as He leads... 

Prayer Please

As much as there are certain matters the Lord has been teaching me which could as well be public as anything, specifics need prayerful consideration and are matters whom no one except Christ ought presently be privy. I dare not speak to anyone but Him, right now. 

That sounds so dire. My mortal life is not in peril, just to clarify. 

Serving Well: Foundations Matter

Faithfulness where we are is needful. This too, though, is by grace. 

Not despising the day of small things has been so poignant a call. Whatever He has placed us in, we are His to do with as He wills and to be faithful to Him where He calls us. We are not serving ourselves, after all, but the God of all Creation. So, who are we to question His wisdom in allocating to us an humble position? 

Rather, this is needful for most, isn't it? To serve quietly, as not to fester in pride. Or, at least, that seems to be my need. 

Granted, that verse is not necessarily speaking directly to these matters, in context. But there's something of this implied, nonetheless, in terms of the judgment of man exalting itself to dare to question God's providence. Wherever and however this case may be. 

We are studying these concepts in the Word as a body of believers, in my local congregation. These things are needful. 

I have no idea how things will go, if matters at present will culminate in this, but the Lord has been helping me have more clarity in regard to a woman's role in marriage: helpmeet. Not preeminent. 

Serving. 

My own life lately has had that theme, in general: called to serve, not be served. For I still struggle with such selfishness--wanting to be exalted and served. 

But that's not why Christ came, dear friends. And so, as we follow Him, it is our call to follow in His footsteps in these same matters. We are called to submit to Him, in loving deference to His preeminence as our God, our Precious Savior, and our Beloved Elder Brother. That is not burdensome then, is it? 

Whatever He calls us into, He goes before us and accompanies all the while. So we can endure. With grace. 

He has been gentling my heart in such matters as are absolutely needless points of contention--upset over "perceived offenses" so insignificant they are actually shameful to be upset regarding (for how absolutely juvenile they reveal me to be--so selfish and proud). Seeing others likewise upset over same is not justification for behaving or responding alike to them. 

Rather, being called to serve rather than be served means I am to give up self-seeking behaviours in favor of caring for others. This, not forsaking the utmost call to serve God foremost, however. 

We must remain rooted and grounded in truth and reality, or our attempted services become harmful. God has created in such a way as all reality reflects who He is--His preeminence and wisdom are evident in all. And His goodness and purity are as replete. He created, He ordered, He sustains--upholding all by the power of His Word. 

So all which is, is of, from, for, and unto Him. Meaning what is not done in accordance with goodness and righteousness defies Him and is thus disordered, a transgression. 

Acting against pure goodness, acting in defiance of His Infinite Majesty...is fundamentally horrific and atrocious. We deride Him, or would be keenly aware of this. 

Having forsaken that reality, and the actual weight of the wretchedness of transgression, we follow-through by forsaking all awareness of the actual harm wrought per course, however, within creation: sin reaps death when it comes to fruition. 

So, whatever service we might attempt to complete in aiding and loving those near us, to whatever extent the motivation and continuation is not securely founded on true deference to God and His ways, there is transgression against Him and the other. No matter how "kind" the motivations may present themselves as being: The Fount of all Kindness--God, Himself--is the absolute foundation from which we can even know kindness, and anything which calls itself that and which yet defies Him, defies actual kindness to any extent which He has not otherwise constrained.  

For that too is a factor we are so blind toward: In His lovingkindness and longsuffering common grace toward all, He actively restrains sin from being all which could be the case, and restrains the consequences from being what they otherwise would. There is coming a day of judgment, which none will be able to avoid...and until then, He exercises mercy upon whom He will. 

These matters though are ones which are very confused, these days. 

Good is called evil, and evil called good. Seemingly all terms are used as though interchangeable. Love is not known in the world, any longer, but rather selfishness, pride, and lust. These destroy us and destroy one another and destroy societies.

So, we must be diligent to know truth, to be able to discern. We must first know the One who is the Fount of Truth, or we are deceiving ourselves, as well. He is willing to receive all who turn to Him. 

This is very much all-over-the-place. There are a lot of concepts which have been overlapping lately, so again, just fundamentally being convicted of the need to submit graciously and follow Christ--even as He didn't count His own Divinity as something to be publicly flaunted...but submitted Himself to mockery, loneliness, misunderstanding, and tortured death at the hands of mankind...as a service to God the Father and us...securing our salvation.. 

Then how much more should we forsake self, forsake perceived "rights," and submit to God to seek to be good ambassadors of His truth--though we will be reviled all the more for it, as false notions of love and kindness abound all the more. That which calls itself kindness is malice, in the world. We must submit to God and seek to grow in true gentleness and kindness, as we plead with others to be reconciled to Him while there's time. And as we seek to serve in whatever ways He has placed before us. 

As He bids us, then, let us follow--taking up our crosses, denying ourselves, and being led in the way of our Lord. By His Spirit, given grace and wisdom and strength to stand and do exploits in the day of adversity. 

What Is Truth?

 God's Word, it is truth. Jesus Christ, the Word incarnate, He is truth. 

That which is essentially, foundationally in accord with what is actual, which is. 

The world shirks and suppresses truth. We all do, apart from God's interventions, and are thus given over to delusions: we cannot forsake that which is actual without actively embracing that which is not. To forsake truth is to embrace a lie. 

And so, what would would have, then? What would we prefer? 

Except that God intervenes, we divest ourselves of reality. Having forsaken Him, we have fundamentally forsaken reality, regardless. And even the dividing line is become indistinct to us, for so doing. 

Yet, even as mentally and spiritually dull as we have become, we no less are constrained to inhabit reality--the same physical realm which He created prevails, and we are impacted by the same spiritual principles regardless of deference. Sin reaps disease and death in all spheres, and ultimately spiritual judgment as we enter the presence of the Ancient of Days. 

So, here and now, what is it to walk in truth? What is it to submit to the Holy One of Israel? Even as through His Son? The Blessed Redeemer, Messiah--He shelters and guides. 

And delivers into truth, knowledge, understanding, wisdom--the desire and the ability to know and act upon truth, obeying Him. 

Apart from which, there are certainly exalted structures which parallel His own--counterfeits, rather. We counterfeit what we have rejected, each and every time we reject His truth, because innately dwells the knowledge that He is good and what He has created is good (in as much as left unsullied by our sin's decimating influence). We want to reject the Giver but retain the gifts, moreover. Yet, the gifts are unavoidably dependent upon right reception for appropriate and beneficial use and experience and undertaking. Otherwise, the gifts themselves become our agents of self-destruction. 

Does this make sense to you? Do you understand how this works? 

All good gifts do come from the Father of Light in whom is no shadow of turning. Yet, we cannot rightfully enjoy His good gifts apart from right relationship with Him, or we make use of them wrongly and unto our own harm: right and beneficial use is absolutely intertwined with giving appropriate glory to the Giver, or otherwise any use becomes misuse.  

Even so goes wisdom. All the vain philosophies of man are rot and harm, to the extent that the glory of the Creator is abjectly denied. There may remain echoes of His truth, still, or even what seem to be mirrored reflections of the righteous goodness which He ordains is required of all His creatures--if so, the extent to which the heart and intent deviate from His holy purity, there is a dire and extensive corruption of all (except that He restrains).

See this epitomized at times, when the rulers or most highly esteemed fashion for themselves a manner of righteousness which does not absolutely depend upon a sincere love of God and His Word, centrally (which we all are guilty of to varying degrees, at various times): 

The Pharisees were known and revered as the religious leaders of their day. They were esteemed for being more righteous than the common man, for long study of the Word of God, for seeking to honor their understanding of the Word, and for being set apart unto God, in an overt sense. 

Yet they defied God. To the extent that when He came, in the flesh, they resented, envied, and despised Him so vehemently as to have Him slaughtered. Rather than submitting to Him. Rather than embracing Him. They had a form of godliness but denied all God's sovereign power and right. 

Jesus did not argue with them, in a sense. But He was not swayed by their attempts to argue with Him, rather responded with truth and grace and increasingly severe clarity, calling to repentance. He responded according to truth and grace. As the Father gave. 

Their "truth" was not His truth. His truth was real and absolute, being fundamentally sourced in and upon all the consistency of reality which arose from and rested upon His own essential Being and Nature. Theirs went so far along the same lines, but then subverted love and justice and mercy and the like, exalting self as arbiter...exalting self as God's equal, in so doing. We are not ever as God, though He allows us in our delusions of grandeur to believe we are--this, this is essentially what it is to worship (ie, to give worth and weight to) self as doing so is always and intrinsically instead of God. 

The lines are drawn, but can only be seen in walking in submission to God. Truth can only be discerned as embraced upon knowing it, having become accustomed to loving it, for having come to love and exalt the source of all. 

And knowing truth, will we not stand firm? Even as humbly doing so, which is the appropriate and only apt means of responding to the truth of God's preeminence and majesty in all things: We submit to the Truth-giver. Submitting to His sovereign rule and power, then to walk in submission, for having come to know that we only know as we are known, to the extent which He has drawn back that veil from our eyes. By His Spirit's work in and through us, applying the Word of Truth. Even His Gospel, which is power unto salvation. 

We are always to grow in discerning, by practice of doing so (hinging upon knowing Him, which is to submit to Him and be led of Him). Testing all to know what is of truth. Do not be deceived: Trust in Him who can deliver. He is Truth. And He is true, though all men be liars. 

Hills We Shouldn't Die On

 My flesh does not like the present trials, at all. Nor ever does it. 

I have been so ill-tempered at times over the last few months, in the midst of such onslaught. The Lord has blessed me with far more than is even remotely manageable by any earthly means, so there is absolutely nothing except to submit to Him and plead continually, depending on His aid. There is no other help. 

None, except what comes by His hand. 

Ultimately. 

After all, He turns the hearts of kings like water flowing through His hands. There is no resistance to Him, nor when He hardens or allows us further hardening of our own heart. 

Even so, His will will be accomplished. 

The need to testify has proven dire, in terms of one facet of failure continual for my part: there has been continued experience that He does inhabit the praise of His people, He delights in that sacrifice of praise, and of righteousness: to believe Him, to know Him, to take Him at His Word, and as such submit in humble obedience to the real need to wait upon His salvation and deliverance, come the storm or bleakest night or heartiest assault of the enemy.

There have been two things standing out, in the midst of countless many, these past couple months: 

As a consequence of being enlightened to realize quite how immature we are, as peoples and societies (self-seeking, emotionally-charged, other-effacing behaviors and impulses--largely unchecked, moreover, and with avoidance of all forthrightness to avoid discomfort, selfishly--are fleshly, unbecoming, childish ways). God is the standard. And He is long-suffering. He is patient. He is kind. He has wrath upon injustice and unrighteousness, and forestalls hasty judgments always. He is reserving vengeance and punishment for the day allotted. Even so, in Christ Jesus, He has made a way for there to be reconciliation and forgiveness prior to the day that curtain falls. 

He is not rash. He is not unrighteously self-seeking, to the detriment of others. He does not avoid difficult truths for the sake of saving face, nor for the sake of allowing false peace to be retained. He interjects what is right and guides and rebukes according to gracious, loving truth, and all kindness, in His perfect wisdom. And He disciplines instructively, correctively, effectively, those whom He loves. For our good and for His glory. 

So to endure hostility and harsh treatments, being inclined and giving over to likewise matters at times, myself? This is instructive, corrective, and such an opportunity to grow in grace. Jesus, Himself, was despised and abused--even at times much prior to the final onslaught. 

He did not revile as He was reviled. He endured, submitting to the Father's will--in love for Him and for us, He was not moved to grasp after His right to be treated well, He did not move to assert His pre-eminence when He was abased and disrespected (though, as God, He deserves all honor and prerogative as His rightful due), and He did not become embittered nor scornful at being harshly treated and wholly misunderstood by those who were even nearest Him (His family thought Him insane, if you look across the Gospels, and were coming to "collect Him," at one point in His ministry--even His disciples completely misunderstood and mischaracterized Him, His motives, and His intentions, ultimately refraining from even asking Him for clarification because of being stricken by the weight of how inscrutable was His way and thoughts, for them: they dared not ask Him for clarification, at a point).

How alone and unknown and despised was He who lived and died for the Father's glory and to secure our imputed righteousness, forgiveness, and justification.  

So, who are we to take offense when mistreated? Who are we, to ultimately find fault in others, when it's our very hands and voices which mocked Him, through those of our progenitors--our kinfolk in Adam, of His day and age...crying "Crucify!," and even prior, seeking to maul Him with stones. 

If I am more like the Pharisee, thinking that these ones are not mine own ilk, then how dire a position I'm in. 

Rather, to love in the midst of it all. To be unmoved by petty emotion, but driven by love of God and others, to endure in charity even as with strength of conviction as to speak with gracious kindness unwavering words of truth (though reviled and accosted the more, for so doing). 

Upon being led to repent and follow Him, that is--laying down my own stones. 

That's the thing: there's that back and forth, battling the flesh. I find myself continually craving after a sense of equal treatment with others surrounding me, who are able to walk on even ground: Wanting to be treated well, thought well of, respected, and shown kindness. And when such things are withheld, there's a sense of affront, as though they are each my just desserts (rather than God's wrath and the shame which, otherwise, should actually be upon me for just such a matter as having erred against One so holy and right--let alone any others, even). 

So, there's that. Summed: Being driven by emotion, perceiving all matters as imminent personal threat or of a nature which warrants a self-defensive stance (to reduce harm to self/emotional pain)...is not loving, nor exhibits trust in God, but is instead a very immature response to difficulties and uncertainties. 

He knows our needs. Trust Him to fulfill. 

That's all the time for now, here. May He bless you in the knowledge of Himself, of truth. 

Beneath His Hand

 Sometimes, there seems now an endless stream of activities. Nothing has come, new. Yet somehow there is more to do. 

My time is not well structured, perhaps. Regardless, all I know is to commit this too to the Lord. 

Many things these past six months, and twelve months, and twenty four months, and thirty six months...

...have been so utterly devastating and overwhelming. Yet, in the midst there has been certainty of the absolute call to trust the Lord: He is trustworthy. Even when I fear, I will trust Him. 

Even when I falter and flail, I will trust Him. He is able to deliver to the uttermost. 

Do not cease pressing on in pursuing truth. Do not cease committing all to Jesus. He will not fail you, nor will He forsake. His ways are not our ways, truly, and His thoughts not ours: He is good. 

He is above all. Knows all. Foresees all. And will perfectly accomplish that which will be most glorifying to Him, and most sanctifying for us, as in accord with His will. 

Seek to know Him. Press on. 

We really...need to set aside distractions. I need to. All westernized citizens of earth surely are in need of that, unless delivered already by grace. 

But He will refine. He will purify. And in those moments, there is a crushing. Turn to Him, all the more. 

Testing Ourselves in The Light

So much brokenness. Perhaps the same is not the case everywhere, but in my current personal sphere there is an assault on the unity of the church. Always, there seem rational, reasonable causes. Always, there seems "good reason" for division. 

Who do we think we are, though? Why do we so easily forget the call to be united in Christ? 

This is not a call for ecumenical, false unity, however. Truth divides from error. Period. 

But personal grievances are not a call for forgetting our covenanting with one another, nor for forgetting are covenanting to be shepherded. 

So, I've been seeking the Lord's guidance on these matters. There seem such griefs at the core of all. And don't we all strike out, once grief has set too long without the Master's touch? Job did, we know. He cried out that the Lord should answer his call, or let him be, rather than to persist in griefs. 

That's the progression, for those of us who are fleshly still. Christ did not capitulate to such disheartened, aggrieved cries. In His sorest trial, He cried out for deliverance, if possible, but to submit to the Father's will. And He endured, to the very end, without a turning of heart. He, alone, has and does. 

We, though, want scapegoats--we want, toward the bitterness of our grief--to find some focal point upon which we can set the all, putting our sins upon that one, and casting them into the wilderness for Azazel. However, no matter how that goat is cast down or destroyed, no matter how far into the wilderness it is sent...those sins are not atoned, except by the blood of the True Lamb. 

Don't we seek solace in so many matters, elsewhere, though? Rather than to face bitter truths and have them touched by the searing hand of our Master? Indeed, He wounds to heal. Yet, if we will not present and continue to present to Him our wounds, they fester. 

And they will fester. No matter what woven lace is placed atop, how flowery the speech nor manner. No matter the men of earth who may have their ears turned toward such conspiring--to avert the Holy Gaze, rather than submit to His care.

Even if we fool ourselves and all the world, we will never fool Him--light and darkness are alike transparent before His weighty gaze. He knows our hearts, and our thoughts before we ever turned to consider feeling or thinking. 

And He requires honesty, in the inward parts--honesty with ourselves and with Him. 

Many times, I recall a slapdash sign hanging high on a telephone pole in New Orleans, seen shortly before fleeing that town to preserve my life, "Think that you might be wrong." That unsettled me then, before coming to Christ. 

Now, it reverberates as a cry to remain humble, and to always go to the Word. 

For there is truth, but we are not the arbiters. There is One Way, and His name is Christ. And that which He has revealed of reality is indeed true. And what He's let us know of our own hearts and proclivities is that we should not trust them, but always test ourselves. The heart is deceitfully wicked, and frankly even after being reconciled to Him, there seems an endless deepening of the humility of recognizing quite how unabashedly and uncontrovertibly wrong I am at times--both in my approach to others, my perception of circumstances, and even of my own conception of myself. 

Which, apart from knowing Him and having been led increasingly to be reconciled to truth through His guidance, would be a barren wilderness, itself. 

When we are convinced that we know all things, we don't know at all as we ought, according to Paul. There's a humility in coming to increasingly learn that the depths of wisdom revealed by God, though valid and certain, are still the very shoreline of the depths of the truth which He holds. 

As it goes, we had all suppressed the truth in unrighteousness, and thus were all given over to futile minds. Which isn't to say that He hasn't allowed the preservation of some of our faculty for reasoning, or otherwise we would be bereft of the ability to fend for ourselves in the world, at all. God is merciful beyond comprehension, as it goes. And He does not delight in the death of the wicked, but leaves opening for repentance. And calls some to repent, changing desires as to do so. Or we would all be consumed. 

 To see the havoc run amok, though, makes me long to see more of us have a healthy does of reflection upon where we are wrong. Where are we yet unreconciled to truth, unconformed to Christ, unreconciled to our brothers (even if according to wrong desires, being aloof). 

Temptation that overtakes any one of us is common to all, we know--even if the depths of depravity of those spectrums of illicit desire don't progress within each of us, it's by grace alone. So, which of us can cast stones? 

I know men who are considered international prodigies of the faith, who are blind to their heartlessness and ruthlessness in speech, and who yet would dare decry another for what's perceived as being thus. Calumny is a wretched matter among saints. 

I know I have been blind to my own heartlessness, too. And so I won't speak any more plainly, except the Lord give room. Rather, matters are not as they ought to be. With pride at the heart of matters, that's always the case. 

So, let us all submit to Christ's call to humble ourselves, then. And if we have made commitments, honor them, rather than breaking them and enjoining others to do the same as to quell pangs of conviction. 

When we justify ourselves in our own eyes, we are far from our call. We have no justification except Christ--always beggars of grace. 

To strike a shepherd and scatter the sheep is not the work of Christ. Yet God will prevail, always. And He does indeed wound to heal. 

Praying for mercy on all. 

Sharing in His Sufferings

Then Jesus told his disciples, 
“If anyone would come after me,
let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. Matthew 16:24

This may be brief, depending on various factors. 

The Lord has led me to reflect upon His keeping in the midst of turmoil, again recently. Even as He is keeping me now, in the midst of turmoil.

Since having come to know Christ, there has been a solidarity with Him that prevails in the midst of being pressed on all sides. And even so, He has been leading me in how to articulate what has been the case. At times, I dare not speak of the circumstances at hand, for fear of being tempted to falter in trusting the Lord and due to a sense of holy reverence for the severity of what is underway. 

Surely each of us experience such things, and perhaps just don't reach a point of yearning to be able to reflect openly upon them--understanding is not as desired, perhaps. 

Burgeoning Light

The Lord allows me to keep most matters very close to my heart, which is to say--before Him--until He gives me grace to have a measure of peace or understanding on them. Troubling matters, that is. 

Used to be, there was ever such an onslaught (continuous) of griefs and traumas that exceedingly few matters ever significantly surfaced. Very few. 

He started to change that in 2015. Kept apart to Him, though seeking fellowship. Having known Him for nearly a year. 

He meets us wherever we are--no matter what pit of depravity we've burrowed ourselves in. Yet Jesus Christ assuredly does not leave us there. Coming to know Him savingly is a submission to Him as God, loving Him increasingly and seeking His mercy for sin, ever seeking Him and His guidance. Loving Him changes us, having been changed first by His love (so as to even love Him). 

He does not leave us where He found us. 

Though the Darkness Hide Thee

 There are such times of grief, and seeming toil, when nothing but strife is continual. And even so, the Lord affords momentarily an oasis, brief respite. 

Have we not all been in the throes of turmoil, these last two years now? Nearly unabated. 

And for each cresting wave which falls, then a brief pause before the next, the rapid breath afforded seems sweet but panic is so near. 

The Lord has been so gracious. I can't even bring myself to openly speak of the depths of some of what He has afforded toward me in the last six months, for the breadth of the mercy shown, on a scale which is absolutely beyond all comprehension. Why He would grace me with such tender care is absolutely beyond understanding. Like moving mountains to grant a shrub sunlight to live. And yet, He has. 

Staggering. 

To Love and Obey

 So much is out of sorts. Completely out-of-joint. This is in accord with wide-spread rejection of the Lord, no less. 

The more things change, the more they remain the same. 

And how was it, in Jeremiah's day? That the people were destroyed for a lack of knowledge, and yet loved it that way. 

We eat of the fat of the land and choke on it, as things seem. Except that the Lord is merciful, we would have all been consumed. Yet, even so, He preserves a remnant for Himself. He has glorified His name and will glorify it again. And again. Eternally. 

Return to First Love

 Years ago, another blog was devoted to trying to sort out the incoherence which is modern romance--what is love, and what is it to love and be loved, romantically? 

That seemed the end-all, be-all goal on one front, in life: to find someone to share the experience with, proactively as a parter. The thought of having a husband has always been overwhelming, despite finally reaching a point when I can maintain eye contact while speaking of being a wife. Hopefully, Lord willing, someday. 

But though that relationship is intended, when God-honoring, to mirror in a way the pristine devotion to the Lord--in all purity and holiness--there is a definite limit to the extent which that reflects what it is to love and walk in fellowship with the Lord. The extent of the union is moreso what's reflected--a wholesale unity of heart and mind being pursued, with devotion and all charity toward the beloved. Again, in God-honoring relationships. 

Which is where things go awry in trying to find an understanding of love in the world--it's all broken, selfish, short-sighted, objectifying, and many times defiling. So, in essence, the so-called love touted by the world is not love at all.