Quite overwrought, still, and so the need is to stay so very near to the Lord in this moment. I cannot be too lenient with myself in speech, right now. Otherwise, I am concerned of speaking amiss entirely.
My sweet sisters, roommates, have been a great consolation and encouragement to me this evening. Reminding me of the Lord's gracious compassions, and even of those through others--that in my fear, I need to remember grace.
Moreover, there are certain trials which are not a matter of being pressed upon in dire ways, but of encountering that which brings to light what fears are most securely held, secreted away for not having opportunity to arise. Yet, dross cannot be skimmed apart from arising to the surface.
There is so much. Life has been a series of tragedies, in so many ways. Equally though, so many blessings, too. And though the blessings have been set to graciously preserve something of His image, despite the wretchedness which was life apart from submitting to the Lord...the tragic events and choices wrought all manner of havoc, as well.
I have known much grief and solitude. I have known much abuse and mockery--ever so much more than now, prior to coming to know Christ. He has used those to mold me, in ways, and has done so much to heal so many wounds which had never prior been let see the light of day (but were suppressed, in desperate attempt to preserve life prior to entering His blessed keeping).
What, when the most fundamental fears are blatantly brought to bear, though, in company?
I cannot conceive of the patience required, and am so reluctant to be a burden to others, when to my own mind there seem as though ample alternatives would exist. If it's anything as with me, though, the appearance of such is merely so--an appearance, not realistically feasible nor desirable (or otherwise, prior permitted or pursued).
The Lord has kept me, though, and He will keep me still, no matter what comes or goes. Which is as much the grief as any--I do not want there to be a parting. Though this desire, too, is still kept in submission to Him Whom my Soul Loves Best (by His gracious machinations in my heart, is it so).
Listening to Mrs. Spurgeon's memoir earlier this week--or at least some portion which was hers, in a volume of his works--she prefaced with a comment on how she deliberated over sharing so freely as she was of their private relationship, but was encouraged by the remembrance he had expressly said his life could freely be writ across the sky, stating overt release of any privacy given such great esteem of all the Lord had done in his life and for him. On all counts, he considered all his life open, to be freely known. There's a measure of that, here, in so writing.
What have I to hide, except to seek to honor the Lord and others in what I share? And so few are those who know of this space, there's nothing much to fear. My elders, yes, and some friends. But even these who know do not come, so I entrust to the Lord these publicly private musings--wherever He would bid passage.
He carries me through griefs and sorrows and joys and delights, is all, so I would rather share of these in some measure, than keep my all tightly held, in abject quiet: I will testify of His faithfulness, even in testifying of what manner of difficulties He carries me through. I will share of His grace, even through sharing of my own wrestlings with all my own humanity--seeking to bring to bear under truth, by measured strides, as through word.
And so...there is this.
I still cannot speak openly on certain matters, which remain kept to the Lord, alone. When He gives grace for greater clarity or solidarity with Himself (or howsoever may come the case)--as He gives leave to do so, then I'll speak plainly. Though likely elsewhere, where plain speech is preferred.
Suffice it to say He is calling me unto deeper waters and murkier (for me, that is) than I have previously tread. He has borne and He will carry, though. Ever as He does.
To the consternation of some, I might add.
What scorn?--even from some of my dear friends, in recent times and months. Still, all are dear, and I understand the ire, though amiss.
More to pray for His aid, on all sides.
Just, as a manner of thinking: I am always too much. Expressly, too much to handle. Too much to bear. Too intense. Too wordy. Too deep a thinker. Too peculiar. Too opinionated. Too religious. Too fervent. Just...too much. For anyone to bear with, for any great length of time at close range, is a message which has been recurrent throughout life. Even my own father attested to this, in my teens, when he "gave [me] to God because there was nothing else [he] could do for [me]."
So, that's as life has seemed and been. That has been a recurrent, underlying theme: I am ultimately a nuisance, objectionable, intolerable, and easily cast aside.
The Lord has been One to bear with me, though I was so afraid He wouldn't. I am so fearful and have had such difficulty trusting, but He has been so gentle, patient, and kind. He has continually reassured me of His love, His intentions toward me, and His promise never to leave nor forsake me. And He has led me through great difficulties, and delivered me through and from so many terrifying circumstances. And though all hell seems intent to crush me, time and again, He has been my comfort and my shield. His Name is indeed a strong tower, into which I run. He is my Rock and my Redeemer. My Deliverer and Friend.
Do others even pass through such things, though?
That, too, is a latent concern resurfacing. I had been warned thrice upon coming to Christ, that both I and anyone I love would be sorely tried (moreover, and explicitly, that everything and everyone dear to me would be taken from me, and especially my sister--all, with overt implication that they would be made to suffer, as part).
I was told to stave off my ardency toward Christ, and instead to "[just be a normal Christian and get married and have a house and a couple of kids and just go to church on Sundays]." And be content with that, rather than to seek Him ardently at any cost. Those were the options presented, explicitly: lose everything I love if I were to continue seeking Christ with such ardency, or just go and be content to follow Him at a distance, as is common.
As an aside: In retrospect, now, I suppose the implication was I'd be able to keep everything else, then, if I would content myself with a suburban lifestyle. Which, that isn't even considering the absurdity of proposing that I could just "get married," as though that's something you can pick up at the store. I still just can't wrap my head around that...if I wanted to marry just to check off a box, I guess that would be one thing? I still don't understand how in the world folks do that, as though a task on a list. Obvi not a thing in my life.
My sister tried to teach me how that sort of thing was supposed to work, and I've heard a lot of "pointers," since, but none of it makes any sense to me, at all. Even my "trying" of spirits, or whatnot, is as given by the Lord and not something plotted--rather, just arising out of natural compulsions, in wrestling with truth and against sin.
In any case, there was nothing for reply in the face of that threat except to plead Christ's grace and the reality of His all-sufficient ability to sustain. What else is there? I knew I didn't have the strength to endure what was being presented. But what could I do, except pursue Him?--having at long last found something which was true and real and good and pure, and of love and a merit and power which was not my own, but given from above…
As it goes, I didn't make peace with the Devil during his last attempt to cajole--when he tried to plead his cause with me and befriend me--so I'm not sure why anyone would have thought this other sort of bargain (or the threat which had preceded and also later followed) would forestall from submitting to the One who bore my shame and delivered me into and through the power of His love. Furthermore that makes no sense, since quite frankly, none of the work of change in me--nor decisiveness, nor ardency--was of me, regardless: All was from and of Christ. All, according to His will. All by His Spirit's grace at work in me. 'Cause I had nothin' but Him--to plead or depend upon, nor to consider as wisdom, besides (ultimately). And still now, even so.
Yet, I've been told, since, in expressing my concerns about those warnings (when first beginning to develop friends, it seemed the most loving thing to do--to let this be known) that those who are Christ's, He will lead and deliver, too. So, I shouldn't be concerned for being in fellowship with others--I shouldn't be fearful for them. And, though there's certainly discretion exercised in terms of what is appropriate to share with whom, and where and when, I've committed this all to Him, since, and largely left off warning others of this matter, regarding terms of close fellowship with me and seeking the Lord ardently alongside.
Many others face far more, surely.. But each soul knows its own sorrows. (And we're all unprofitable servants besides...though beloved children, nonetheless. Contending over whose cross is heavier amounts to nothing but a derogation of the wisdom of the One who has given each to each, truly..)
Still, point being, there is so much which is out-of-alignment and broken in me. And it's getting some air-time right now. It is quite upending. So, I will have to trust the Lord to aid in a completely new way, with all this.
In the past couple weeks, nights have also seen torment in the early hours. I don't so much care any more, because it's not unknown...just not so frequent, in recent years. It's a nuisance, and if it continues we'll return to our previously scheduled Bible studies at 2 or 3 or [whenever] a.m., to make good use of the time. Or, if need be--24-7 evangelism is still an option at 7-11. I'll ask the Lord what's best, in these instances.
Just to say, there is a sense of an attack to forestall continuation, perhaps.
And for that not to be sufficient, then I suppose the incitement of my known fears would seem another round of ammunition, or some ample ground for trampling out hope.
Frankly, though, fear has not been sufficient to deter me in any prior event (by grace, yes), so I don't see why it would now. I'll bring it to the light, as here and in conversation with those who are not going to be impacted adversely, and let the Lord deal with me.
Rather, though, I am so loathe to consider the pain to come if all falls apart. But, still, pain is not uncommon to me. The Lord draws near, in it. He carries me through, and gives grace for the day. Joy does indeed come in the morning.
So, moreover, I am definitely bereft at the thought of erring against Him--knowing the ardency of my actual desires for hope to be brought to fruition, thus particularly fearful of my penchant for self-deception: I am terrified at the thought of being led amiss, thereby. So, again and again, I have pleaded with Him for mercy on that front. And I will continue to do so. So, I have and will continue to commit the matter to my Father's keeping. He has delivered me from all manner of madness in the world, He can and will certainly deliver me from selfish desires.
Yet all the more, though, I am troubled at the prospect of troubling another, given the breadth and weight of all personal concerns as somewhat obliquely noted above. There is a great deal of wreckage to navigate. The Lord will aid, I know. And I have prayed and I will pray, and I am continuing to be humbled at the evidence of God's guidance in matters, thus far--for hope to be made sight, even in such a way (though nothing to the final hope of seeing Christ!)...is so humbling and delightful.
I am so much nothing, is all, and yet seem too much of everything, at times. As the Lord gives sight, then, and grace. Even as, on the whole my life is rather mundane, all told: Living peaceable and quiet, as is the right passage of those who are His.
Just, the internal battles and momentary external are rather intense. He is preparing me for the Kingdom, through afflictions.
So, we'll see, as the Lord gives, what liberties are indeed mine—though I would hope for all, of a sort, I must wait upon the Lord.
I do not know what will come, which too...is such a fearful prospect. How can I prepare for the unknown? I suppose drawing near to Christ, is all, and learning from Him what the way is for those matters I would desire most. Seeking to be fit for such matters would not be amiss, regardless.
But who can bear with me, through all things? I know the Lord can, so then, as He leads...
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