Psalm 88

 

English Standard Version  Par ▾  I Cry Out Day and Night Before You A Song. A Psalm of the Sons of Korah. To the choirmaster: according to Mahalath Leannoth. A Maskila of Heman the Ezrahite. 1O LORD, God of my salvation, I cry out day and night before you. 2Let my prayer come before you; incline your ear to my cry! 3For my soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol. 4I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am a man who has no strength, 5like one set loose among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, like those whom you remember no more, for they are cut off from your hand. 6You have put me in the depths of the pit, in the regions dark and deep. 7Your wrath lies heavy upon me, and you overwhelm me with all your waves. Selah 8You have caused my companions to shun me; you have made me a horrorb to them. I am shut in so that I cannot escape; 9my eye grows dim through sorrow. Every day I call upon you, O LORD; I spread out my hands to you. 10Do you work wonders for the dead? Do the departed rise up to praise you? Selah 11Is your steadfast love declared in the grave, or your faithfulness in Abaddon? 12Are your wonders known in the darkness, or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness? 13But I, O LORD, cry to you; in the morning my prayer comes before you. 14O LORD, why do you cast my soul away? Why do you hide your face from me? 15Afflicted and close to death from my youth up, I suffer your terrors; I am helpless.c 16Your wrath has swept over me; your dreadful assaults destroy me. 17They surround me like a flood all day long; they close in on me together. 18You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me; my companions have become darkness.d

Headship, Confusion, and Resolution

 This just...hurts. And there is nothing for it, but to bear through. 

All I know to do is to continue to cry out to the Lord for help. Were I different than I am, things wouldn't even be as they are, to such a point. 

In moments of clarity, I do know and rest assured the Lord's will prevails, knowing He will lead. And where it comes to others who are significantly disturbed by my seemingly limitless enthusiasm, then it's not actually possible for close friendship to develop. Or at least, it wouldn't seem so. 

Some of those things which are particularly trying right now have to do with the desire for marriage and what it is to walk in fellowship with single brothers in Christ. I've been reading Voddie Baucham's book, "What He Must Be to Marry My Daughter," which has codified the inclinations already present. Not that I am perfectly conformed to God's ideal for womanhood, either, but I am striving to grow in Christ and in godliness--if in spurts and fits, but by grace still. 

The prospect of submitting to someone's headship is not something taken lightly, is the point. And life is excruciating, moreover, so I would not want to even consider covenanting with a man unlikely to lead well. Voddie sets forth numerous Biblical principles for aiding identification of God's call for men, as expressed in particular, godly characteristics. Foremost, the call to be a husband is to be a priest of his household, prophet to his family, a protector to them, and also their provider. These four are fundamental and vital. 

So, apart from being selfless, given to holiness and ardent pursuit of Christ, being wise, discerning, and possessing personal strength, and a strong work ethic (because it's working as unto God, and not the amount of income which is actually significant)...there's really not indication a man will be a good husband. It's one thing to be humorous and lighthearted, even, but wholly another to be timid, fearful, and oblivious to the world and circumstances and the condition of those around you, as to be insensate to potential needs and dangers. 

I've failed so significantly and so often in life, trying to defend myself. There's been no alternative--I have no defender. I have no protector, no guide, no shield. For all intents and purposes, I was "given to God" in my teens. I have had to fend for myself. And I have sinned and failed grievously. 

I would not want that for my children--a man who won't father, who abdicates or worse. 

So if this means, in God's economy, that I won't have the joy of bearing and raising children, for want of a partner...then, all I can do is submit myself under the mighty hand of God, in grief yes, but trusting Him.  And if this means, in God's economy, that I will only ever have my brothers and sisters, elders and deacons, as family through the church...then Christ will guard and guide me, and He will lead me and disciple me, as my Head. He will be enough. I will grieve, yeah, but with hope eternal. And so I'll rejoice, too. 

Of all points on which to compromise, though, this area is one in which there shouldn't be. As far as I'm concerned, at least. And it's not for want of trying, in the past--the Lord mercifully delivered me, rather, disallowing any peace in instance, breaking up the situation in other. I would rather be solitary in pursuit of the Lord than hindered and made to stumble and err in that course, having aligned myself with someone who lacks discernment, awareness, and passion for truth and to seek God above all. 

A family friend told me a few years ago that I'd never get married unless I lay off some of the "religion," because in her estimation, amusements are too vital to making a significant, lasting connection. The potential for that to be true cuts deep, really, but even so, why and how could I forsake ardently desiring Christ's fellowship above all, for the sake of something paltry and ultimately unsatisfying? 

Zeal without knowledge is just as dangerous, though. I've met many who have a great zeal for "religious" and "spiritual" matters without any love of the Scriptures, whatsoever--even denying to want to read them, moreover, in favor of "spiritual callings" or whatever other madness delights. I've encountered errors of all sorts, and in the course of continuing to study to reconcile knowledge of truth in the world, will certainly continue to do so. Having to bring all such things into subjection to the truth of Christ--but by grace--is vital. How could I submit to the spiritual discipleship of someone who refuses God's guidance, getting caught always in flights of fancy, instead? I need brought back from them, myself, not carried along into such madness. Which is the problem, really--there is that temptation, finding a thought or idea which seems uncommonly fascinating, and pressing into it with ardency to the exclusion of reason: I need someone who has discernment to be able to gently rebuke and redirect back to Christ, rather than to follow me down the rabbit hole of insanity (or to lead me in such madness). 

That leadership, though, too. I'm very dogmatic and enthusiastic. I push the boundaries of all reason, in pursuit of understanding and to better know the constraints of reality. These aren't easy to bear, at close range. And yet, I'm also sensitive and I've been abused in various ways and places, most of my life. Growth in Christ, for me, is the first safe space I've known--maybe it's that way for everyone? But I don't want and could not continue to flourish under insensitive, short-sighted, harsh and oppressive leadership. I need correction, yes, but in gentleness, with both confidence and compassion. Redirection to Christ is vital, ultimately. Continually. And that's not by way of what I see in some, where it appears the understanding of headship is to force submission. That's neither godly nor loving, and it would be soul crushing. 

Communication is vital, too. Without conscientious, diligent searching of truth, there's no foundation for being able to communicate, though. Being blind to oneself, blind to others, blind to interaction, blind to the world...there's no point of commonality for dialogue. Expecting complete knowledge would be ridiculous, just as much, but some amount of conscious recognition of oneself in the world, the impact one's actions have on others, and sufficient breadth of awareness of circumstances in context of the whole of eternity that the actions of others are met with grace and mercy...these things too, are so necessary. 

For me, at least. 

The overarching context of all this is still just...reeling from the realization I've entirely overburdened and exceeded the limits of a friendship. The reality is, it's only a friendship anyways. A brother in Christ, yes, but only a friend. To have any man express interest in friendship though, even, it does incite all these thoughts, bringing to the fore all the desire for marriage, children, family, regardless that there's no reason to think that's even a possibility. Past the time of youth, though, that became a normal reflection, however. Maybe it's not for everyone? 

Do others not also want to know whether perhaps someone amongst their group of acquaintances might be the one the Lord has for marriage? Are they not looking, waiting, praying for this? Upon reaching the level of maturity to be aware of the rightness of such a pursuit and development, at least. 

There's no way to know, no. And although I can't seem to manage to enjoy a friendship leisurely, as others do, then still...the prospect of friendship was hopeful. I'm just too much. I should wait at least a few months, I suppose, before opening up at all, maybe? The learning curve on this seems so steep, and so far removed from known life. Like having to go back to second grade, which would have been the point (prior to coming to Christ, at least) when last there was some semblance of what I assume was mostly-normal (though still known abnormal, due to specific, toxic influences which altered the paradigm for interaction) social function. Things went off-the-rails with "normal interaction" with guys when I was around three. So, that means there's a lot of trauma to unpack and unlearn and a lot of what's appropriate and godly to learn. It's been underway for these past seven years, progressively. Just reaching a head in different ways, now. 

God is able. He's brought me this far.

This Fleeting Breath

 Sometimes life all crashes in at once, after the darkness lifts. All the griefs of the world, untold, are wrought afresh, known anew. We each know our own griefs.

What--to carry that so alone, as He did? Our Savior wept? Our Maker suffered? Our Creator died, as in the flesh? He humbled Himself to take on flesh, tabernacled among us, and we despised Him. Yet He despised the shame, as beneath notice. He counted the suffering nothing for the joy set before Him. That we should so loathe Him, though, as to refuse to honor Him with our lives? 

How is there any greater tragedy? Seeing those created in His image full of hatred and reviling--every breath a curse, every inclination of the heart only evil? This--which was created to enjoy and glorify Him--reviling Him, instead? What is WRONG with us??? How could we do this? 

And we slaughter the innocent for commerce. The most vulnerable, their lives are merchandise, bodies ripped to shreds and they surely would scream, if not muffled by the shroud of the womb. Do you know pain so severe you cannot utter sound?

What have we done? What have we become? We traded His glory, and now we are the agents of our own genocide, even now so far as to sterilize ourselves en masse, most likely. Or, at the least, trading the natural for the unnatural increasingly, as to do likewise. We could be pitied for the incomprehensible depths of our abject idiocy, quite foolishness, except that we have done this to ourselves. 

What have we DONE? 

I am not innocent. Only by God's grace has He elected to preserve and deliver me, having set His love upon me, foreknown and predestined. 

I hate this, in myself, which still seeks such defiance and is so prone to self-pity, and self-indulgence. Selfishness. Loathsome, and yet, I am of that. But for grace, wholly so. Yet Jesus has made a way. In spite of me. 

We are so ignorant and foolish, though. He paid the price for us, that we could be delivered from that very hell we deserve, into His eternal life and love. And yet, we spurn Him. I hate this. He is all which is good and holy and pure and loving and kind, and yet we spurn Him, treating His love as paltry fare. 

We ought to be incinerated. The whole lot. 

I wonder, too, on what it was in the days of Noah, that every turning of their heart was only to do evil. How far are we from that, truly? Each turn further from grace, into judgment--being let to have that which we want, defying Him His due worship...

...every turn further, how much further? I hear of things which I can't even tolerate to consider, from and of the leaders of our foremost nations. Even knowing, but His restraining arm, His grace, there could and might so go I...

...and I cannot fathom what we have become. Those things which were the worst of the judgments on God's people, a pastime. And even then, still not the worst. 

There is nothing left undone, is there? I don't want to know. But just to realize....something of the magnitude of travesty at hand. 

Travesty does not approach unto the reality. That word is nearly meaningless, attempting to convey the abject horror of what is being denied, as His due. He is worthy. We are created to glorify Him. What have we done?

And yet, I know that He will be glorified. Though some fitted for ignoble use will glorify through their destruction, which even still for this moment is such a grief, given the honor it is to bear His image. 

I am glad that the Lord allows only partial knowledge of the darkness, now. And more the grief, to have dwelt in it so flagrantly for a time...to have known and reveled in defiance against the Only, Wise God. To think His eyes should endure, long-suffering, awaiting that moment of fully enacting justice?...enduring, for this while, even perhaps that others will be saved, and whatever else His reasons besides...? That He would bear these? 

He sees and knows all. Nothing is hidden from Him. Nothing. Knowing no fear of God, doing in secret what will someday be announced from the rooftops unto perdition...He will be glorified. 

I didn't understand until today, what this yearning and grief was. For His glory. Our God is glorious. He deserves all praise and loving obedience, for His is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever. 

Personal griefs just don't compare. But then, in His mercy and kindness, He doesn't even spurn them. 

What God is this, who would humble Himself, take on flesh, and suffer amongst us? Be rejected and humiliated and beaten and torn? Serving, loving, up until the very end--ever seeking His own, that they would be preserved and given new life. Even in that last, not seeking His own deliverance, but ours. Do you not recognize something of the incomprehensibility of a love like that? He laid down His life. He endured. The very wrath justly set upon us all, He endured. That is a horror beyond all horrors, a travesty beyond all travesty, which He willingly undertook and accomplished, in order that we would have a space for mercy, that sin could be passed over. 

It is the Passover, you know? He gave Himself. He is the Lamb. He is the Good Shepherd. And He is the Lamb. Jesus Christ, Eternal God, Everlasting Father, Immanuel. Ben-David, Ben-Joseph. He has come. And He accomplished all the good will of the Father. He satisfied every righteous demand of the law. All of them. Perfectly, in loving obedience. His entire heart, soul, mind--loving God, the Father.

3He was despised and rejected^b by men,
a man of sorrows^c and acquainted with^d grief;^e
and as one from whom men hide their faces^f
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

4Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
5But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.
6All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

7He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
yet he opened not his mouth;
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
so he opened not his mouth.
8By oppression and judgment he was taken away;
and as for his generation, who considered
that he was cut off out of the land of the living,
stricken for the transgression of my people?
9And they made his grave with the wicked
and with a rich man in his death,
although he had done no violence,
and there was no deceit in his mouth.

10Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush him;
he has put him to grief;^g
when his soul makes^h an offering for guilt,
he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand.
11Out of the anguish of his soul he shall seeⁱ and be satisfied;
by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant,
make many to be accounted righteous,
and he shall bear their iniquities.
12Therefore I will divide him a portion with the many,^j
and he shall divide the spoil with the strong,^k
because he poured out his soul to death
and was numbered with the transgressors;
yet he bore the sin of many,
and makes intercession for the transgressors.

Psalm 53

שְׁמַע יִשְׂרָאֵל‎; "Hear, O Israel" He is One: our God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit. He is One being, with three persons, infinite in might and majesty. Power belongs to Him. All praise to His Name. 

9Rejoice greatly, O Daughter of Zion! Shout in triumph, O Daughter of Jerusalem! See, your King comes to you, righteous and victorious, humble and riding on a donkey, on a colt, the foal of a donkey. 10And I will cut off the chariot from Ephraim and the horse from Jerusalem, and the bow of war will be broken. Then He will proclaim peace to the nations. His dominion will extend from sea to sea, and from the Euphrates to the ends of the earth. 

Zephariah 9:9-10

When our glorious King returns, His second advent, this verse will be fully so. He is come and He will.  

Prepare your hearts to seek Him, then. 

1Why do the nations rage^a
and the peoples plot in vain?
2The kings of the earth set themselves,
and the rulers take counsel together,
against the LORD and against his Anointed, saying,
3“Let us burst their bonds apart
and cast away their cords from us.”

4He who sits in the heavens laughs;
the Lord holds them in derision.
5Then he will speak to them in his wrath,
and terrify them in his fury, saying,
6“As for me, I have set my King
on Zion, my holy hill.”

7I will tell of the decree:
The LORD said to me, “You are my Son;
today I have begotten you.
8Ask of me, and I will make the nations your heritage,
and the ends of the earth your possession.
9You shall break^b them with a rod of iron
and dash them in pieces like a potter’s vessel.”

10Now therefore, O kings, be wise;
be warned, O rulers of the earth.
11Serve the LORD with fear,
and rejoice with trembling.
12Kiss the Son,
lest he be angry, and you perish in the way,
for his wrath is quickly kindled.
Blessed are all who take refuge in him.

Psalm 2

There is no other way. Either we repent or we perish--righteously condemned for our egregious treason of refusing to honor and glorify our Holy, Just, Good, and Loving God. 

Fear Him and live. Repent, and believe on the One whom the Father has sent. Otherwise, you will perish in your sins. There is no other way. 

When Darkness Encumbers

Sometimes there is this sense of oppressive hostility, pressing in from all sides. Terror is mine, in the midst of that--sensing my life and breath would be crushed out in an instant, if what presses in were permitted free rein. 

Trusting the Lord and submitting to Him and pleading His aid--being in the Word, testifying of His grace, calling to remembrance His mercies, praying, and jointly bringing these matters into subjection to the truth of Christ through fellowship (by any means, thus), is my help. True medicine. Each to each, though, by whatever means of grace the Lord allots and directs. 

This is mine. 

The Lord has been so merciful these past many years, when such moments have constituted an onslaught: prayerfully submitting to Him in the midst, He has given grace to trust His will be done, His arm of preservation and deliverance (if even into life eternal, quite immediate) be shown mighty. He has given me grace to avert my mind from the deluge of thoughts which erstwhile and throughout attempt to drown, also. I falter and flail, but He preserves and restores. Eventually, the morning comes. Or, eventually, I know it will. 

Being still in the midst of such distress, waiting, is beyond me. But the Lord gives grace to commit to trust Him. Increasingly, He's even given grace to repent of faltering in the midst, because that does happen so easily. 

In whatever circumstance, may we yearn and learn to trust Him, then. By any means. And to trust Him to guide. 

There's been a lot of consideration of Christ as Shepherd, lately: The Good One.

The One despised and rejected, suffering in His own flesh the penalty of my sin--of your sin. He atoned for us. God's own wrath (moreover, Christ's own wrath) against sin--His righteous wrath, just wrath--was satisfied wholly by Him. Propitiation. Expiation. And there's a third facet, I think--related as another fine point of consideration, only begun to be pursued--of what He accomplished for us. 

God's wrath, which rested upon us, was satisfied by Jesus, in full. The Only, Wise God: He satisfied justice by His own account being clear, though settling ours--to enable mercy within the paradigm of absolute, perfect, pure righteousness. 

That Shepherd. Who laid down His life for the sheep...

...so that we may enter in. 

This...remembrance of this: Jesus Christ, and His great mercy and love...is what is needful in the midst of such onslaught. Remembrance of Christ, refusing to heed any other voice which would detract from or distract from Him--for as surely and as soon as thoughts and my heart turn, then the darkness encumbers, once again. Yet, He overcame. 

All the more to simply rest in Him, as knowing Him. All the more to be grateful to truly know Him. Apart from which, all the rest--darkness and all the world and self--would usurp any hope for serenity. 

It's not a bad thing to be on such a short leash, though. Not at all. Not having the same liberties others have is fine, given what it is to have peace. Even this short period of reflection on Christ's mercies has been such an aid. Yet, there's no room to turn from this--there is no space for social media, in this. There's no allocation for movies or secular music. Moreover, being in the midst of the world to endeavor the things of life is an undertaking to the glory of the Lord--with some consistent amount of conscious recognition of that fact fairly continually--or otherwise I'd stay in the grips of the terrors of darkness there, always. 

So, too, are other matters which become recognized as allowing a foothold for the darkness to press in:  prayerfully weighed, all the more. Whatever is needful, in serving Christ, well enough--He will preserve me, and I will trust Him: In spite of my all-insufficiency, as His abject sufficiency eternally usurps on all fronts. So, onward then. 

And to praise. That is next. To sing His praises, no matter the darkness: for He is the Light. 

Recent Meditation: Psalm 94

 

ersion

Par ▾

The LORD Will Not Forsake His People

1O LORD, God of vengeance,
O God of vengeance, shine forth!
2Rise up, O judge of the earth;
repay to the proud what they deserve!
3O LORD, how long shall the wicked,
how long shall the wicked exult?
4They pour out their arrogant words;
all the evildoers boast.
5They crush your people, O LORD,
and afflict your heritage.
6They kill the widow and the sojourner,
and murder the fatherless;
7and they say, “The LORD does not see;
the God of Jacob does not perceive.”

8Understand, O dullest of the people!
Fools, when will you be wise?
9He who planted the ear, does he not hear?
He who formed the eye, does he not see?
10He who disciplines the nations, does he not rebuke?
He who teaches man knowledge—
11the LORD—knows the thoughts of man,
that they are but a breath.^a

12Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD,
and whom you teach out of your law,
13to give him rest from days of trouble,
until a pit is dug for the wicked.
14For the LORD will not forsake his people;
he will not abandon his heritage;
15for justice will return to the righteous,
and all the upright in heart will follow it.

16Who rises up for me against the wicked?
Who stands up for me against evildoers?
17If the LORD had not been my help,
my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.
18When I thought, “My foot slips,”
your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up.
19When the cares of my heart are many,
your consolations cheer my soul.
20Can wicked rulers be allied with you,
those who frame^b injustice by statute?
21They band together against the life of the righteous
and condemn the innocent to death.^c
22But the LORD has become my stronghold,
and my God the rock of my refuge.
23He will bring back on them their iniquity
and wipe them out for their wickedness;
the LORD our God will wipe them out.

Waiting Upon the Lord

So, possibly the transition elsewhere is not something to come with any immediacy. I keep thinking on the fact that in Christ, I don't so much hide. His truth is supreme. And when world powers and social edicts defy Him, then His will will prevail. Merely, I submit to Him for guidance. Which doesn't necessary come in the way of having matters explicitly directed, so much as to seek Him in His Word and to trust the knowledge that He will guide step-by-step so long as I'm seeking Him, seeking His will. 

There are definitely people who mock the idea that the Lord will lead, scorning dependence. But what else is there? The world scoffs at God's sovereignty and plans her days as though she were master of them, all the while the Lord sits in the heavens and laughs at the futility of such ignorance. Far better, then, to submit to the reality that He prevails. When I sin, yes it's my own. But when He is glorified through sanctified, righteous efforts that even marginally conform to a bare shadow of His goodness, then that is wholly by His grace and guiding strength, within. 

So, what does it mean, to walk by the Spirit? Doesn't it mean putting to death the deeds of the flesh? Setting the mind of Christ, trusting Him to guide? Why does there have to derision at the idea of God guiding? 

If there is holiness, it's by His hand. And if the fruits of the progression are of righteousness, truly righteousness--not as the world defines it, but as God as evidenced per His self-revelation in the Word--that would be a testament. We do know to distinguish fruits, if we are to judge righteously, as Christ directed. 

And all the while, only ever discerning and pleading from a position of recognizing our own abject dependence upon the mercy of God. 

I'm struggling with some things, right now. Each of us before our own Master stands or falls. Yet we do have such tendency to heavily judge one another. And the way that plays out with me, is that there's whiplash of sorts: after faltering thus, myself, then a heavy-handed measure of recrimination and punitive discrimination swings back upon my own heart and ways. Even as much as the case of others is that I can only distinguish according to the Word and wisdom granted by God, acknowledging still that ultimately knowledge and power are His...just as much do I have to submit to Him my own ways, pleading only Christ as the sole source and means of any righteousness. I have none of my own. I have no goodness, apart from Him. All is darkness, otherwise. 

Except that He works His own will, I would only ever remain in darkness, still. Though there is so much I long to be conformed and transformed, to be free from--even only recognizing the presence of certain wretchedness now, having been given eyes to see and a heart to despair of the truth...then, all the more do I know there's nothing I can do but cry out to Him for help. I cannot change that which is horrid, but only layer further measures of self-generated wretchedness atop if I were to seek in my own strength to alter the whole. I cannot cleanse. He must. I cannot purify. He must. I will turn to His Word. I will relish His presence, and plead with Him that He will draw me nearer and increase my fervor for Him, to turn to Him all the more, once again. 

But it's all of Christ, or it's nothing of worth. 

So, I will wait upon Him. Diligently. Pleading still for the zeal to return, once again. The joy of my salvation, the wonder of being enrapt by His love and wholly transfixed by amazement of drawing near through His Word and in prayer. I long to long for that, at least. Which is more fervor than a month ago. I despair increasingly of my relative insouciance, where concerns matters of God and being filled with His Word. This is His work. I cannot dredge up that which I do not possess. I can only plead--a beggar in need of mercy, always. 

All the more a wretch for having fallen so many times. And to fail to desire Him above all things, wholeheartedly? What insipid, incomprehensible malice that truly is, toward a God who is all-wise, all-loving, all-powerful, and all-merciful toward me, through the shed blood of His very Son. 

Yet if I stayed there, only seeing the horrors of my own depravity, there would be no reason for hope. There would be no reason to rejoice. I am nothing to inspire hope. I am nothing to inspire joy. I am nothing to inspire love. And yet, He has loved me. He has rejoiced over me, counting it as nothing to despise the shame and endure the cross even for my own salvation, bought at the cost of His own life and tormented wrath-bearing. He has given me hope, even by entering into the depths of bearing the curse of sin and the very death which all would still own me, apart from Him. 

How can I not by weep in relief and wonder, that Christ would own even me? We are, none of us worthy--none of us. Yet I keenly feel that and so broadly know it, knowing something of the breadth of my sins which taint so much of my bearing even now. But God...

Whatever must be done to seek Him, however viewed with scorn or as shameful to the human intellect, or beneath regard for those who are my betters, or whatever else...then, so what? I have fallen enough direly, and cling so desperately and weakly to the plea that He will preserve and deliver me, even now. If all must go, if all I have must go, and all I know be lost, then He will provide what is required for life eternal. 

By grace, alone, we're kept if we're kept at all. If we are in the Father's hands, then it's He who holds us, and not our preserving power that we would cling to His palm or His thumb. Had we that strength, we would never still have had sense to climb there. 

A sweet, dear sister of mine yesterday was discussing Ecclesiastes with me. It came to mind, one of the recent sermons revisited (and still, memory fails of who was speaking) noted that therein were given panoplies of that which is under the sun. Not of heavenly matters, of the Kingdom of God, but of the kingdom of man. Which, the sum of the matter still is that we are to seek God, yet...with a hope and privilege of rejoicing in Him which is belied wholly by the maudlin, pragmatic tone of so much of that yet very true account of our state of being. My dear sister pointed out, though, that there's some significant connotational import to the word used for vanity--the refrain of that book. It signifies a fog, something of a mistiness. And we discussed that as a sort of occlusion of clarity of vision. Perhaps even we now see as through a glass dimly...

...but then as face to face.

Oh, for that day!

Yes, it all does seem "vanity," now, in so much a manner of speaking. But we're not as those who are without hope. We labor, but not in vain. It is the Lord who has builded the house--even as a spiritual building, as a temple building built up within which His Spirit is to dwell. We are being built, even as living stones. 

So, having done all...having girded ourselves with truth, been fitted with a righteousness not our own, and given a helmet which identifies us as spoils of a heavenly war--the treasures of God, plucked out from the fire, the mire, and fitted for His use--we are thus shod with a Gospel of peace, in which we walk and move, and have our being. In Him. Despite us. Oft in spite of us, as yet to His glory regardless of absolute insufficiencies and unworthiness. 

So we take on that shield which He has also fashioned for us, quenching those matters which otherwise would consume us, and we wield His truth by grace, perfectly cast to demolish every fortress of the enemy--no gates prevail against Him. And we boldly go to His throne, ever with gratitude, openly speaking the truth of our hearts and seeking conformity to His--desiring refinement, all the more--and making our requests known to our Father, in whom there is no shadow of turning, from whom all good gifts do come. And having done all, we stand firm in Him. By His Spirit. Knowing we know naught as we ought, but that we must pray and plead for His wisdom, and He will give and guide. And we will go on the morrow, if the Lord wills. 

And in the meantime, though we plan, we know he establishes our steps. As hinds feet, steadfast, as He keeps us from stumbling. And the high places are brought low, and the low places exalted. As He makes our paths straight. 

One moment to the next, He knows. And He guides. He has promised, after all--He will never leave us, nor forsake us. 

So, all the more to set our faces as flint to seek Him. He has said to us, seek His face. Set your heart to do so. Ask Him for that grace. 

Changes Underway: Going Off-Line Soon

 I wish there were time to write of everything that the Lord has done this past year. There's a battle underway, globally, the likes of which perhaps the world has not completely seen: forces are at work to unify a global economy, as mandates have been implemented with some degree of unity in most countries. People are dying of starvation, suicide, drug overdose, and other consequents of the shifts in great numbers. Hearts are indeed failing. 

Christ said this would be the case. And we can't know if this is the time and these are the events immediately preceding His return. Only the Father knows this--He told us so. 

However, for Paul to have urged believers of His day to remain vigilant, to remain diligent, and to look gladly for the Lord's return (himself unsure of the time of return), all the more should we be anticipatory of His coming at any point. I've spoken with dear brethren who take the view that prophecy is not fulfilled yet. But in part, at the very least, it is. On all fronts. We don't know the extents to which the Lord will allow reverberations to echo, a recurrent rippling through time which continues to attest to His acuity, His sovereignty, the abject truth of His Word... 

...so we are better to remain sober-minded and alert. 

And to not forsake the assembling, especially as we see that day drawing nearer. We need one another, in His economy--to exhort, rebuke, correct, and establish one another in the faith, in all love and faithfulness.

Wise as serpents, harmless as doves. Ever as our Lord, Jesus Christ, has led and gives us grace to proceed. 

On all such counts, however, this will be going in another way soon. The anonymity which is available via this venue is strictly illusory. And the Lord may allow things to become increasingly hostile to truth. 

The first-century believers were led of Him to continue to witness and spread the gospel, though they did so at the cost of their own lives at times. Brothers and sisters in many countries even today have to be quiet and intentional about when and where and how to meet and speak of God's truth, for fear of death. 

We're not at that point yet, in the Western world. But thought crimes have begun to increasingly be publicly persecuted, with economic ruin and social devastation increasing, and increasingly vicious threat of physical harm also has begun to be touted. 

I will continue to share the truth of God publicly with all boldness as He gives grace and continues to lead in doing so. There's been opportunity for something of public evangelism regularly, for the past half year, and will continue as He allows. 

But this space...will not be as it is. Will not be of the same form. In preparation.

The whole purpose here is to exalt God, moreover--pleading that others would make peace with Him, while there's time. As long as there is life and breath, make peace with Him. 

Fight the good fight of faith, is the call. 

And I've faltered on so many counts, despising the wretchedness of my own sin. Yet, Jesus is faithful and He will complete His work in me. He will continue to preserve me from making shipwreck, though the daily shortcomings are still so grievous. I know the abject need for diligence and being given strong encouragement in who God is and what His will is for me, thus exalting Him here that He may be glorified in some measure even through such obscure reflections, as He would lead others along. 

Pray for me, though. And I pray He will continue to strengthen and guide you, as well. He is able. Those who know their God will renew their strength. Seek Him. Seek to know Him and understand Him increasingly. This is our strength--to know Him and rejoice in who He is. 

His is unassailable power. His will is done in all the earth. Pray that he will grant me boldness and perseverance in times of trial. My greatest fear is to falter under the weight of adversity. Yet, all I know is that He is enough, His grace is sufficient, and even as in centuries past, then still His Spirit continues to give grace for the day and direct speech for the instance of tribulation. He secures the heart, which has been molded, given life by His hand. 

If there is peace with it, I won't take this place down. But...if things go here as they are in other countries where the changes underway have borne dark fruit...then it would be better for this to be gone. 

Edit, 3/8/21:

So, running in fear isn’t a thing, in Christ. He hides us in plain sight, if He wills. Rather, there seems the call to bold humility, deferring to God’s wisdom and prayerfully seeking His guidance continually, through His Word, prayer, fellowship, and the counsel of godly others. In a multitude of counselors, after all...

Many things being learned, slowly as ever, by grace. This space will remain as long as He gives leave, with the sporadic attendance as it seems. I hope to share some of those matters recently meditated upon, soon, but no idea when or how that will take place. As He gives grace.

Seek the Lord.

As Darkness Closes In: Fix Your Eyes Upon the Light of the World

Temptation increasingly abounds to be enrapt with the world's schemes and narratives--selfishness all the more exalted under a guise of righteousness. Death is increasingly a fixation, blatant--anything to avert, just anything to preserve self and those things which self wants. This, as though we have control of life and death. I can tell you from personal experience that even suicide attempts aren't successful unless the Lord allows. Which is not something to be taken lightly. Period. 

I wouldn't generally speak so flagrantly about such wretchedness, but in the noxious cacophony which is standard fare for discourse these days, such searing has occurred that little bears weight. 

Speaking plainly, though prayerfully, is what's seemed best. 

He gives wisdom for each instance, however. 

But if you're here, online, I fear that you may be consumed with much of the current mania, also. 

Sought Out: Let the Redeemed of the Lord Say So

So. Everything changes, again, while the Lord remains the same. 

I've embarked upon a return to reverence and greater self-discipline, by grace. So much is still disarray. Realistically, there may always be a very real minimalism to the processes undertaken and endeavored. 

Longing for "great things" and "prestige" and "success" in worldly ways, even under the guise of godliness, is not less idolatrous than doing so as a full-fledged worldling. 

There just really isn't time to go into very much right now, although I do long to write of the Lord's faithfulness in convicting and delivering me, the more freely from this vantage of deeper recognition. Last year's failures were grievous. I know now, better than to think that apart from God's merciful grace in giving strength to endure and choose right, in humbling me to depend upon Him and fear Him increasingly...I would still be lost, and could easily just traipse into any wretchedness. 

He must be the more dear, ever more, continually. Being in circumstances which are rife for faltering are inexcusable--where there is temptation, there needs to be flight. Period. 

And He gives balance there, too, as not to continually be running from everyone and everything, and fleeing every potential stumbling block in advance of even having stepped foot beyond my residence...or otherwise, I'd be dodging even shadows now. 

But I do know there's wisdom in avoiding the semblance of wickedness, even. I've been reminded. And I will submit to the Lord and whatever He wills. 

I was given fair warning of an error in thinking which I hadn't heard of outright before, tonight: One that's been somewhat coloring my thoughts without my awareness, even. All the more grateful for deliverance!

A "Sonship Movement" is going around, which ultimately overemphasizes the reality of our adoption by God the Father, through Christ the Son, to the extent that all personal conviction and endeavor for growth in righteousness, holiness, sactification, by the grace of God working in and through us...is utterly minimized and ultimately discarded. Failure is embraced, instead, as insurmountable...and the focus is again and again shifted to Jesus as propitiation, that "we're sons and so need not be concerned with failure in sinning." By a skewing of perspective, the ideology thus increasingly makes sin acceptable...because Jesus died for it, and we're all accepted and acceptable now, though Him. 

What was it Paul called such things?--worthy of condemnation. To claim by any fashion that we can freely continue in sin, because grace will abound toward us is an abomination, making utter mockery of our dear Lord and the travesty of sin. Sacrilege is not grace So, no...just no. 

Despairing over sin needs to be unto God--pleading His mercy and strength and deliverance. And even so, we are to discipline ourselves, and He does give grace to do so. 

And I fail at this, y'all. My life before Christ was absolute indulgence. So, comparatively...I'm living a life of significant uprightness now. But the reality is there is so much room for growth. 

So, I am praying and have been slowly embarking upon increasingly disciplined living. Because of the desire to honor God out of love for Him, and despairing over the wretchedness of prodigality which remains. Loving Him means despair isn't a passive matter, languishing, but is unto a Savior. Unto and ever pressing on toward the One who overcame, and who put sin to death in His own flesh. 

Don't we know that reality?--that, even as the Father has not withheld His own Son but given Him up, He will not withhold anything else needful for our growth in holiness (and all else which is truly necessary, besides). I mean, seriously? God gave that which is of higher value and worth than anything, to redeem us. He will not withhold whatever we need to overcome sin. It's already been accomplished, after all. So at the outset, I just have to continually plead with Him even to change my heart to want what's right, and to be turned increasingly toward concordant actions. And I pray still for these and for the strength to avail myself of His means of grace in being transformed and renewed. 

He does use means for the application of grace. And in the midst of my wandering, the most difficulty returning has been redevelopment of disciplined practices in undertaking those means. Some of which, thankfully, have remained known as vital to life (suicidality is not a far walk for me, if I were to forsake assembling, for instance--there's something about congregate worship and instruction in the Word which God gives grace through to an extent which is not shared by other means...Youtube sermons and even hours' of private prayer or worship got nothin' on a single full service of congregate worship through prayer, praise, hearing the preaching of the Word, and fellowship with the saints)...

...but being in the Word. I have lacked so sorely the discipline of prior time. That was a major point of capitulation unto temptation--not being continually washed and awash in His Word. I had told folks repeatedly and authentically that the Scriptures are my medicine now, and if I am not daily in God's Word for a certain amount of time...it's notable. Realistically, at least an hour is the minimum time -solely in the Word- needed to truly have baseline wellness. And that's been a long time absent. So, I continue to struggle pretty sorely. 

Praise and prayer and needful too, His means of grace. And fellowship.

Ministering through various means. Like...I have to share the Gospel. If I don't give continual testimony of who Christ is and what He's done--not just solely for me, not just self-referentially...but as revealed in His Word of all of us--things go really weird there, too. 

Which is where being here, in this space, has been so vital at times. Fear of God, love and knowledge of Christ's worthiness, and real terror of what wrath awaits those who refuse to repent...compel. It's just a thing. 

Very prayerfully embarked, ever. 

There's been some very passing contemplation on not despising the day of small things, lately. Which, I need to reread Zechariah. And all the Word. Continually. Always. Again. 

I remembered again today that a friend told me George Mueller used to read the Bible through at least seven times per year. I long to be that familiar with His Word, that steadfastly grounded in God's truth--as spending that much time dwelling in and reviewing and reviewing and being immersed in His Word, unto not just passing recognition of the breadth, but deepening knowledge.

And tonight, heard also of a region where people....common people, who didn't know history or anything technical or advanced...knew the Word so deeply and well that even the obscurely mentioned people in the Text were familiar to them, just as much as a neighbor. And same, of the various locations and events mentioned throughout the Word of God--known so intimately that it was akin to the knowledge of one's neighboring towns and recent experiences. 

I want that. I want to just be able to be so devoted, Lord. What is of greater value? Nothing, but to be steadfast in the knowledge of truth and walking in the light with the Lord. What is a greater joy? Nothing, but to know Our God. What higher purpose could be found? None, really, compared to drawing so near to Him and becoming to filled with the knowledge of Him as to be able to plead all the more cogently and coherently and ardently with all the rest of us--as we all need continual reminder of truth, even those who know Him and love Him (though we have not seem Him...yet). All the more, desiring to plead according to whatever strength and clarity He will afford with those who are yet perishing. Christ is worthy of His portion. And they are running straight into Hell, otherwise. 

And I know it's not just me. I'm nothing. Not even a little thing. Once forsaken, used to be the thought...even as my own earthly father a few years back told me he knew he could do nothing more for me, when I was a teen, and extricated himself from the attempt...

...forsaken...

...but not forever. I deserve death and eternal wrath and hell. Instead, He drew me back out of the hell and death I'd sought in the world--even courting death so many times: through recklessness, suicide attempts (numerous), engaging flagrantly with the demonic, and even entering into death briefly at times, like with the fall from the balcony in 2016...

...that last bit of time living in New Orleans has been on my mind again, recently. I'd gotten out of the bartending scene, but I was still effectively dwelling in the Quarter, "living the life," and I knew my days were numbered. Every day, fear of death was a constant companion, increasingly. I attempted suicide once that summer, just wanting to get it over with and be done with living in the shadow of that fear, that weight, that heavy, noxious, odious, horrid presence which suffuses all and occludes all hope and joy where regards those whose lives are under the reign of sin...

But He drew me out, instead. And drew me to Himself. Step by step. Initially, I remember having a conversation at a bar one day--not long before relocating--with one of my best friends. I was openly lamenting that I had come to realize that going back to be around family would mean having to go and be around church. And it made me feel slightly nauseated to even consider. But I knew it was unavoidable. And resigned myself to it. 

Her parting gift to me stands testament to the nature of that conversation, bearing its mark overtly. 

And I was manipulated into going to church. I'd already settled the matter before being confronted, so I didn't care about the manipulation. It was expected. 

And I remember fearing. I really did think there would be flames or lightning. Or something, just...destruction. For me to dare to darken the halls of a church with my presence. 

Bear in mind, though, I was still open to communing with the regular demon which had been a companion for years, at that point: A mentor of sorts, at times. With that presence being a reality (now rejected and renounced), the severity of what was expected seemed really reasonable. I mean, even the demons know and tremble at the reality of who God is. And that was my companionship, so yeah. I did know fear.  

I was entreated one more time very openly to remain friends with satan, in 2013. Got this huge, heart-rending presentation--attempting to retain my sympathies. But I wasn't interested. It was more of the same of what I'd already seen and known. And moreover, it was revolting. Surprisingly. 

All the more was I particularly disturbed at the "chance encounter" with another unexpected man at a Starbucks, this year. But I trust the Lord.

Anyways. Point being, I'd been entreated. I've been offered anything. Everything I "could want." Carte blanche. But I wasn't interested. There are always strings attached. And as it turns out, I'm not my own anyways, to give allegiance. I'd rather have truth, even were it to kill me. 

'Cause either way it goes, I'd dead already. In so many ways. I was not supposed to be conceived, according to what I've been told. Medical aid wasn't sufficient, is my understanding. And then they prayed. And I ceased breathing and heart stopped when I was perhaps a year old. And, from what I gather, not many years after again. 

And then numerous other brushes with death. The fall from the balcony being the most recent severe instance--during the fall, being confronted with the reality of my inability to decide life or death, and inability to even determine the condition of life: I submitted to God, "whatever Your will," and though the fall killed me and should have done... ...He spared my life. And not just that. I should be a paraplegic, without the ability to care for myself or function. And yet, those "marks" which remain are indelible yet largely invisible to others. All the more, they serve as a continual point of remembrance of my dependence upon Him, now. 

I didn't start crying out to Jesus for salvation until 2010, though. Nearly a year after leaving New Orleans. Upon being lectured by police about the severity of the situation I'd placed myself in, as very easily one which could have been lethal (in that my recent company had already murdered others, according to their information). It was just a wake-up call to the reality that leaving New Orleans hadn't changed the actual problem. 

The actual problem was (and is) me. I'm a sinner. And some sins are unto immediate physical death. 

Fearing for my life again, I started humbling myself to ask for Jesus to help me, have mercy, save me. I asked a long-time friend who was (at that time) a professing Christian to pray with me. He did. And I felt some modicum of relief, but part of that was also in relation to the realization that my circumstances had been so dire that if I didn't do something drastic I was also very likely to lose housing. 

Anyways. This is all far more than intended for the present. 

Long story short, Jesus did deliver me. He had mercy on me. And continues to do so. He spared me, although I was a wretch in all ways. And still am, in so many ways...but not like I used to be. And I want to honor Him more, because I love Him. I love the Lord. And, yes--I know my love is nothing. Compared to His. But it's what I have to offer. My little bit of nothing, even being that which He's given to me...for if He hadn't loved me first, I would despise Him still. All the more then, do I delight to give back to Him that which He had given me. Paltry and insufficient and bare though it be, what I am and what I have is His. And I am blessed to receive, so all the more am I blessed to give...that my prayer then is that He would redouble my return unto me, that I may invest it all the more and bring even that much more to cast, even as pittance, at His blessed feet. And plead and drag any along with me, as I run to Him again and again. 

I know the darkness. Someone in New Orleans once told me there were only really two types of people--darkness and light. And he told me I was light, and I despised Him for it overtly, though I think at the same time...something of hope clung to that possibility, for it to be such a memory. I shared the Gospel with him, last year, with that man. We hadn't corresponded for years. But I had been waiting and praying. And, however the Lord wills. 

But I will plead with the Lord, even pleading with those whom He places me near. For whatever He wills. 

Wherever, to whatever end. There's no reason, ever, to despise the day of small things. God will be glorified in all the earth, and that is our unwavering hope--a hope which is absolute. His Word will be accomplished. And we will rejoice.