Being tried on all sides for the past week and some. In the midst of loss, especially trying. Vulnerable, weak, and struggling with temptation rather than turning to the Lord.
All sorts of difficulties dredged up, regarding family, friends, community, self, and the hope for marriage. Being shown hopelessness and despair, being condemned and shown my wretchedness outside Christ as though still ever-present.
And floundering beneath the weight of temptation. Except that the Lord prompted and gave strength to begin to speak to a couple others who walk with Him and are His. Each of which manifested such grace, directing thoughts to Christ and reminding of things He's said. And of His good will.
Still in a weird shock, grieving yet unable to much cry. Cried a couple times but under the weight of such shame as has been attempting to completely undo and draw all focus from Christ...release wasn't afforded. Rather than trusting the Lord and collapsing, even to grieve...fighting the grief. And remaining in shock.
And now, still so confounded and overwhelmed and shocked...
But no more of this other. There will be time to grieve. And the Lord will be there.
And of all the rest? It's in the Lord's hands. What I want doesn't matter in context of desiring His will, foremost. Whatever the pain, if it be so. And if He calls me to walk, I'll walk. And if He calls me to stay, I'll stay.
But I'm not allowed to isolate. Because to do so would be even worse.
Which is probably why the temptation to do so had been so especially strong.
Divide and conquer is definitely something I'm vulnerable to falling prey to. And, instead, this time the Lord directed to others who are His. Because He's provided community. And none of us are perfect, but those who love Him do manifest His grace toward each other. Even if unknowingly.
So, however all things go, so long as the Lord's will prevails (which it will), things are well. No matter if excruciating and if the process requires more strength and patience and love than I've ever known. It's the Lord who directs and guides and keeps me. Not myself. He does.
Being done is like that, though.
Furthermore, I'm sick of the torment of myself and those I love. If it continues, then as the Lord wills, whatever it takes.
And something came back to me today, of remembering--one of the major points of developed fearfulness of marriage has had much to do with believing there's no way to maintain ardent devotion to Christ in the midst. Because that's how life had been--the closer a person becomes, the more distracting from Christ and truth.
But that's unsustainable. And if that's what anything would be, then I wouldn't want it, anyway. Would be worse than walking through a minefield. And more damaging, in ways.
I will seek Jesus, I will serve Him, and I will love those whom He puts me alongside--whether for a season or for the rest of my journey here, on earth. Without expectation except to expect and require the Lord's leading.
Monday, March 6, 2017
Friday, March 3, 2017
Psalms 104, 97, 18
Psalm 104King James Version (KJV)
104 Bless the Lord, O my soul. O Lord my God, thou art very great; thou art clothed with honour and majesty.
2 Who coverest thyself with light as with a garment: who stretchest out the heavens like a curtain:
3 Who layeth the beams of his chambers in the waters: who maketh the clouds his chariot: who walketh upon the wings of the wind:
4 Who maketh his angels spirits; his ministers a flaming fire:
5 Who laid the foundations of the earth, that it should not be removed for ever.
6 Thou coveredst it with the deep as with a garment: the waters stood above the mountains.
7 At thy rebuke they fled; at the voice of thy thunder they hasted away.
8 They go up by the mountains; they go down by the valleys unto the place which thou hast founded for them.
9 Thou hast set a bound that they may not pass over; that they turn not again to cover the earth.
10 He sendeth the springs into the valleys, which run among the hills.
11 They give drink to every beast of the field: the wild asses quench their thirst.
12 By them shall the fowls of the heaven have their habitation, which sing among the branches.
13 He watereth the hills from his chambers: the earth is satisfied with the fruit of thy works.
14 He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle, and herb for the service of man: that he may bring forth food out of the earth;
15 And wine that maketh glad the heart of man, and oil to make his face to shine, and bread which strengtheneth man's heart.
16 The trees of the Lord are full of sap; the cedars of Lebanon, which he hath planted;
17 Where the birds make their nests: as for the stork, the fir trees are her house.
18 The high hills are a refuge for the wild goats; and the rocks for the conies.
19 He appointed the moon for seasons: the sun knoweth his going down.
20 Thou makest darkness, and it is night: wherein all the beasts of the forest do creep forth.
21 The young lions roar after their prey, and seek their meat from God.
22 The sun ariseth, they gather themselves together, and lay them down in their dens.
23 Man goeth forth unto his work and to his labour until the evening.
24 O Lord, how manifold are thy works! in wisdom hast thou made them all: the earth is full of thy riches.
25 So is this great and wide sea, wherein are things creeping innumerable, both small and great beasts.
26 There go the ships: there is that leviathan, whom thou hast made to play therein.
27 These wait all upon thee; that thou mayest give them their meat in due season.
28 That thou givest them they gather: thou openest thine hand, they are filled with good.
29 Thou hidest thy face, they are troubled: thou takest away their breath, they die, and return to their dust.
30 Thou sendest forth thy spirit, they are created: and thou renewest the face of the earth.
31 The glory of the Lord shall endure for ever: the Lord shall rejoice in his works.
32 He looketh on the earth, and it trembleth: he toucheth the hills, and they smoke.
33 I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have my being.
34 My meditation of him shall be sweet: I will be glad in the Lord.
35 Let the sinners be consumed out of the earth, and let the wicked be no more. Bless thou the Lord, O my soul. Praise ye the Lord.
...
Psalm 97King James Version (KJV)
97 The Lord reigneth; let the earth rejoice; let the multitude of isles be glad thereof.
2 Clouds and darkness are round about him: righteousness and judgment are the habitation of his throne.
3 A fire goeth before him, and burneth up his enemies round about.
4 His lightnings enlightened the world: the earth saw, and trembled.
5 The hills melted like wax at the presence of the Lord, at the presence of the Lord of the whole earth.
6 The heavens declare his righteousness, and all the people see his glory.
7 Confounded be all they that serve graven images, that boast themselves of idols: worship him, all ye gods.
8 Zion heard, and was glad; and the daughters of Judah rejoiced because of thy judgments, O Lord.
9 For thou, Lord, art high above all the earth: thou art exalted far above all gods.
10 Ye that love the Lord, hate evil: he preserveth the souls of his saints; he delivereth them out of the hand of the wicked.
11 Light is sown for the righteous, and gladness for the upright in heart.
12 Rejoice in the Lord, ye righteous; and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.
...
Psalm 18King James Version (KJV)
18 I will love thee, O Lord, my strength.
2 The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.
3 I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.
4 The sorrows of death compassed me, and the floods of ungodly men made me afraid.
5 The sorrows of hell compassed me about: the snares of death prevented me.
6 In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears.
7 Then the earth shook and trembled; the foundations also of the hills moved and were shaken, because he was wroth.
8 There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it.
9 He bowed the heavens also, and came down: and darkness was under his feet.
10 And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly: yea, he did fly upon the wings of the wind.
11 He made darkness his secret place; his pavilion round about him were dark waters and thick clouds of the skies.
12 At the brightness that was before him his thick clouds passed, hail stones and coals of fire.
13 The Lord also thundered in the heavens, and the Highest gave his voice; hail stones and coals of fire.
14 Yea, he sent out his arrows, and scattered them; and he shot out lightnings, and discomfited them.
15 Then the channels of waters were seen, and the foundations of the world were discovered at thy rebuke, O Lord, at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils.
16 He sent from above, he took me, he drew me out of many waters.
17 He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me.
18 They prevented me in the day of my calamity: but the Lord was my stay.
19 He brought me forth also into a large place; he delivered me, because he delighted in me.
20 The Lord rewarded me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands hath he recompensed me.
21 For I have kept the ways of the Lord, and have not wickedly departed from my God.
22 For all his judgments were before me, and I did not put away his statutes from me.
23 I was also upright before him, and I kept myself from mine iniquity.
24 Therefore hath the Lord recompensed me according to my righteousness, according to the cleanness of my hands in his eyesight.
25 With the merciful thou wilt shew thyself merciful; with an upright man thou wilt shew thyself upright;
26 With the pure thou wilt shew thyself pure; and with the froward thou wilt shew thyself froward.
27 For thou wilt save the afflicted people; but wilt bring down high looks.
28 For thou wilt light my candle: the Lord my God will enlighten my darkness.
29 For by thee I have run through a troop; and by my God have I leaped over a wall.
30 As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him.
31 For who is God save the Lord? or who is a rock save our God?
32 It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect.
33 He maketh my feet like hinds' feet, and setteth me upon my high places.
34 He teacheth my hands to war, so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms.
35 Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy right hand hath holden me up, and thy gentleness hath made me great.
36 Thou hast enlarged my steps under me, that my feet did not slip.
37 I have pursued mine enemies, and overtaken them: neither did I turn again till they were consumed.
38 I have wounded them that they were not able to rise: they are fallen under my feet.
39 For thou hast girded me with strength unto the battle: thou hast subdued under me those that rose up against me.
40 Thou hast also given me the necks of mine enemies; that I might destroy them that hate me.
41 They cried, but there was none to save them: even unto the Lord, but he answered them not.
42 Then did I beat them small as the dust before the wind: I did cast them out as the dirt in the streets.
43 Thou hast delivered me from the strivings of the people; and thou hast made me the head of the heathen: a people whom I have not known shall serve me.
44 As soon as they hear of me, they shall obey me: the strangers shall submit themselves unto me.
45 The strangers shall fade away, and be afraid out of their close places.
46 The Lord liveth; and blessed be my rock; and let the God of my salvation be exalted.
47 It is God that avengeth me, and subdueth the people under me.
48 He delivereth me from mine enemies: yea, thou liftest me up above those that rise up against me: thou hast delivered me from the violent man.
49 Therefore will I give thanks unto thee, O Lord, among the heathen, and sing praises unto thy name.
50 Great deliverance giveth he to his king; and sheweth mercy to his anointed, to David, and to his seed for evermore.
...
1 Timothy 6:5-16
5 Perverse disputings of men of corrupt minds, and destitute of the truth, supposing that gain is godliness: from such withdraw thyself.
6 But godliness with contentment is great gain.
7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.
8 And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.
9 But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition.
10 For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
11 But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness.
12 Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses.
13 I give thee charge in the sight of God, who quickeneth all things, and before Christ Jesus, who before Pontius Pilate witnessed a good confession;
14 That thou keep this commandment without spot, unrebukable, until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ:
15 Which in his times he shall shew, who is the blessed and only Potentate, the King of kings, and Lord of lords;
16 Who only hath immortality, dwelling in the light which no man can approach unto; whom no man hath seen, nor can see: to whom be honour and power everlasting. Amen.
...
Isaiah 45:7-8
7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things.
8 Drop down, ye heavens, from above, and let the skies pour down righteousness: let the earth open, and let them bring forth salvation, and let righteousness spring up together; I the Lord have created it.
Beginning to Count Joy
I am so...done.
Which is always the case, but sometimes more apparent than others. Absolute powerlessness. Floundering about in a sea of chaos, on a daily basis. Seeing so much pain. So much grief. So much injustice. So much brokenness. So much torment and abuse and hopelessness and despair and incapacitation. And powerless to do anything.
I used to think I could do things to help. I made it a subversive sort of goal to impact the lives of others in a positive direction, willfully. Thinking that was good. Thinking I knew what was necessary for healing and wellness and hope and progress. For love and joy to prosper.
That was the draw of psychology. Initially wandered across when, being forced to attend counseling, it became quickly apparent that there was no help. Figured something along the lines of, "if people think there are answers here, but the people I'm encountering aren't helping, maybe going to the source and learning it myself is what's necessary." To piece together the pieces of my broken life and heart and mind, using psychological principles as a guidebook for progress and as a self-help guide to the process.
Dabbling, though, same as with everything. Especially since it's been so utterly impossible to maintain focus for any extended time given the onslaught of one trauma right after another. Since childhood. But doesn't everyone experience that same thing?
Doing well in school wasn't an option, though, on that front. I couldn't manage to recall most of the information once sifted through, in the least--hearing history rehashed is like never having heard it at all before, every time. Same with so many things. And then, sometimes some things are utterly clear. Rarely, but still.
I didn't turn to God for help, though. I didn't ask Jesus for deliverance or daily sustenance.
I was convinced there was some way to fix things, on my own.
Given enough effort. And an indomitable will to persist, no matter the cost. Even when the backlash of that ended in recurrent hospitalizations.
God let me try, though. He let me burn myself out again and again, trying to do it my way and in my own strength and by all the many means I could find. And every time I'd find anything which seemed remotely successful, I'd try to share it with others, so to "help."
Attempting to rehabilitate myself and others subsequent. Which, now knowing God, is recognized as utterly defiant and deviant and proud and destructive. Good intentions, as the world considers things good. But bad effects--driving people to further self-reliance, which is further defiance against God.
And I called that loving.
Same as calling it love to strive for making way for communication, no matter the compromise entailed. I considered it far more desirable to be on so-called "good terms" with people and help them be on "good terms" with one another than to be loyal or take a stand for anything remotely resembling truth. I considered being "at peace" with others to be the highest good, and being "at peace" with oneself the fount of that.
But all in a way which required constant compromise. It's not possible to maintain rigid opinions and be outspoken with them and still be "at peace" with everyone. Especially if some of them come down to believing a thing is either abjectly "right" or "wrong." (...all of which is in quotation marks because the truth of matters in the past was that previous definition was not at all based on truth but on a relativistic worldview which was utterly and wholly opposed to truth, at core.)
Which is always the case, but sometimes more apparent than others. Absolute powerlessness. Floundering about in a sea of chaos, on a daily basis. Seeing so much pain. So much grief. So much injustice. So much brokenness. So much torment and abuse and hopelessness and despair and incapacitation. And powerless to do anything.
I used to think I could do things to help. I made it a subversive sort of goal to impact the lives of others in a positive direction, willfully. Thinking that was good. Thinking I knew what was necessary for healing and wellness and hope and progress. For love and joy to prosper.
That was the draw of psychology. Initially wandered across when, being forced to attend counseling, it became quickly apparent that there was no help. Figured something along the lines of, "if people think there are answers here, but the people I'm encountering aren't helping, maybe going to the source and learning it myself is what's necessary." To piece together the pieces of my broken life and heart and mind, using psychological principles as a guidebook for progress and as a self-help guide to the process.
Dabbling, though, same as with everything. Especially since it's been so utterly impossible to maintain focus for any extended time given the onslaught of one trauma right after another. Since childhood. But doesn't everyone experience that same thing?
Doing well in school wasn't an option, though, on that front. I couldn't manage to recall most of the information once sifted through, in the least--hearing history rehashed is like never having heard it at all before, every time. Same with so many things. And then, sometimes some things are utterly clear. Rarely, but still.
I didn't turn to God for help, though. I didn't ask Jesus for deliverance or daily sustenance.
I was convinced there was some way to fix things, on my own.
Given enough effort. And an indomitable will to persist, no matter the cost. Even when the backlash of that ended in recurrent hospitalizations.
God let me try, though. He let me burn myself out again and again, trying to do it my way and in my own strength and by all the many means I could find. And every time I'd find anything which seemed remotely successful, I'd try to share it with others, so to "help."
Attempting to rehabilitate myself and others subsequent. Which, now knowing God, is recognized as utterly defiant and deviant and proud and destructive. Good intentions, as the world considers things good. But bad effects--driving people to further self-reliance, which is further defiance against God.
And I called that loving.
Same as calling it love to strive for making way for communication, no matter the compromise entailed. I considered it far more desirable to be on so-called "good terms" with people and help them be on "good terms" with one another than to be loyal or take a stand for anything remotely resembling truth. I considered being "at peace" with others to be the highest good, and being "at peace" with oneself the fount of that.
But all in a way which required constant compromise. It's not possible to maintain rigid opinions and be outspoken with them and still be "at peace" with everyone. Especially if some of them come down to believing a thing is either abjectly "right" or "wrong." (...all of which is in quotation marks because the truth of matters in the past was that previous definition was not at all based on truth but on a relativistic worldview which was utterly and wholly opposed to truth, at core.)
Suffering never stopped, though there were periods of respite. And a lot of recklessness. And willfulness, all.
But the chaos was continual. And God was merciful enough to let it utterly destroy me and all my efforts. And my perception of being capable of doing anything effectually and good, in my own strength and per my own determinations apart from His guidance and direction and insight.
Everything else only wrought temporary solace, at best. Not lasting. And even though, still now--in the midst of all the madness and constant pressure and torment and pains and trials--there are some bits of solace which are but temporary and fleeting, yet they provide a deeper refreshment per having come of and from Him. Like an oasis in the desert. Rather than as vinegar offered to drink.
A momentary port-of-call, but truly restorative and encouraging. Until the final destination is attained.
And it's a very real possibility, as contemplated the past couple days, that this will be the way of things. Period. Constant onslaughts with only brief periods of refreshment. Lifelong. And grief growing greater at every turn, as deeper wounds are revealed and even endured. But He does wound to heal. And His grace is sufficient.
So there's nothing except to remember my absolute powerlessness, in the midst. But surrendered to His omnipotence and wisdom. Even if things don't make sense. And even when the pain increases daily, as He unveils further truth and as the ravages of sin play out in all the world and even in my own members still being brought to sanctification...
...then, still, He is greater. He is. And He knows what's going on, from end to beginning. And allows what will ultimately be to good, no matter how painful now. Even as with His own torture and death.
He said the servant wouldn't be greater than the Master. And the disciple would not outdo the Teacher. So why should I expect to endure lesser torments?
His own family thought Him utterly insane, mocking Him to His face even to tell Him to go and do His miracles for everyone if He was so set on being something grand. The religious leaders of His own precious people denounced Him as being in league with evil because of His good deeds, and they called Him wretched of all men for daring to acknowledge and entreat sinners. Why should I expect there wouldn't be suspicion, derision, rejection, and mockery?
And if He could do nothing except that the Father gave it, and said nothing except that the Father directed--saying nothing was of Himself, but only as He was shown? Then how could I ever dare believe I might be capable of achieving good per my own sorely limited understanding of others' needs? And how dare I think it would be better of me to attempt self-reliance rather than to ache and long for similar dependency?
So, again. I'm done. I still want desperately to bring healing. I still long desperately to somehow let love shine a light into the darkness of so many aching hearts. And even of practical matters, yearn to help.
But except the Lord gives grace to impart good, what good is there?
I'm going to continue to prayerfully seek His leading in matters. And it all promises to be exquisitely excruciating, still. But whatever. He gave succour sufficient to have a lighter load in the midst, today. And I trust Him to persist.
The thing about learning patience and trust and faith, though, that I least like...is that endurance is also being tested. We're promised we won't be tempted being our ability to bear, but as we increase in faith, we increase in perseverance. So, from what I've experienced, each becomes more trying than the last. Each fire hotter or perhaps just borne for longer. Perhaps as necessary also to separate the deeper, more ingrained impurities, then, all the while.
Either way. I don't like it when He's silent. But His Word ever remains. Such a blessing.
I'm not sure I'd ever been as grateful for Scripture before, as yesterday. And if that's a result of enduring--to find such solace and to rejoice more deeply in finding peace through His Word to us?--then I'm glad of that, at the very least.
It's too much a habit to take things which are the most dear for granted. Much easier to cherish them when there's realization of how precious.
But the chaos was continual. And God was merciful enough to let it utterly destroy me and all my efforts. And my perception of being capable of doing anything effectually and good, in my own strength and per my own determinations apart from His guidance and direction and insight.
Everything else only wrought temporary solace, at best. Not lasting. And even though, still now--in the midst of all the madness and constant pressure and torment and pains and trials--there are some bits of solace which are but temporary and fleeting, yet they provide a deeper refreshment per having come of and from Him. Like an oasis in the desert. Rather than as vinegar offered to drink.
A momentary port-of-call, but truly restorative and encouraging. Until the final destination is attained.
And it's a very real possibility, as contemplated the past couple days, that this will be the way of things. Period. Constant onslaughts with only brief periods of refreshment. Lifelong. And grief growing greater at every turn, as deeper wounds are revealed and even endured. But He does wound to heal. And His grace is sufficient.
So there's nothing except to remember my absolute powerlessness, in the midst. But surrendered to His omnipotence and wisdom. Even if things don't make sense. And even when the pain increases daily, as He unveils further truth and as the ravages of sin play out in all the world and even in my own members still being brought to sanctification...
...then, still, He is greater. He is. And He knows what's going on, from end to beginning. And allows what will ultimately be to good, no matter how painful now. Even as with His own torture and death.
He said the servant wouldn't be greater than the Master. And the disciple would not outdo the Teacher. So why should I expect to endure lesser torments?
His own family thought Him utterly insane, mocking Him to His face even to tell Him to go and do His miracles for everyone if He was so set on being something grand. The religious leaders of His own precious people denounced Him as being in league with evil because of His good deeds, and they called Him wretched of all men for daring to acknowledge and entreat sinners. Why should I expect there wouldn't be suspicion, derision, rejection, and mockery?
And if He could do nothing except that the Father gave it, and said nothing except that the Father directed--saying nothing was of Himself, but only as He was shown? Then how could I ever dare believe I might be capable of achieving good per my own sorely limited understanding of others' needs? And how dare I think it would be better of me to attempt self-reliance rather than to ache and long for similar dependency?
So, again. I'm done. I still want desperately to bring healing. I still long desperately to somehow let love shine a light into the darkness of so many aching hearts. And even of practical matters, yearn to help.
But except the Lord gives grace to impart good, what good is there?
I'm going to continue to prayerfully seek His leading in matters. And it all promises to be exquisitely excruciating, still. But whatever. He gave succour sufficient to have a lighter load in the midst, today. And I trust Him to persist.
The thing about learning patience and trust and faith, though, that I least like...is that endurance is also being tested. We're promised we won't be tempted being our ability to bear, but as we increase in faith, we increase in perseverance. So, from what I've experienced, each becomes more trying than the last. Each fire hotter or perhaps just borne for longer. Perhaps as necessary also to separate the deeper, more ingrained impurities, then, all the while.
Either way. I don't like it when He's silent. But His Word ever remains. Such a blessing.
I'm not sure I'd ever been as grateful for Scripture before, as yesterday. And if that's a result of enduring--to find such solace and to rejoice more deeply in finding peace through His Word to us?--then I'm glad of that, at the very least.
It's too much a habit to take things which are the most dear for granted. Much easier to cherish them when there's realization of how precious.
A new day. Prayers continue. But there's nothing apart from trusting the Lord to guide, to shelter, to direct.
Everything else is hollow, false, fruitless. Destructive, ultimately.
Though He's kind enough as to make our efforts turn back toward good, ultimately, for those who love Him. Despite our sometimes impatience.
All in His time, though.
Amazing how much a difference it makes to speak with someone who knows Him, for help in bringing thoughts into subjection to Christ.
Everything else is hollow, false, fruitless. Destructive, ultimately.
Though He's kind enough as to make our efforts turn back toward good, ultimately, for those who love Him. Despite our sometimes impatience.
All in His time, though.
Amazing how much a difference it makes to speak with someone who knows Him, for help in bringing thoughts into subjection to Christ.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
In the Midst
Giving up, again. Not that there's not been that, already. But again. Continually.
Everything is broken.
The Lord has been guarding my heart against giving into many attacks, today. But not all, and I'm faltering a bit at a time. Just the worst, He's shielded against. The ones which, after realizing the import, would have utterly collapsed.
There's temptation to just stop. Just not to even continue thinking at all, continue through the pain. Grief is so...consuming. His peace is deeper, but there's battle to allow pain to give way to rage, to give way to resentment, to give way to bitterness, to give way to utter despair, to allow for abject despondency. Rather than be borne.
He will remain faithful. Even if that means continuing to crush, so to rebuild. To tear the idols away, till all that's left is Him. His mercy is severe.
There's nothing else, though. Neither I nor the world need anything other than God, ultimately. Everything else is either a lie or a boon of knowing Him, as goes what seems good. And that which reaps suffering, difficulty, horror, devastation, and destruction...all the continued manifestations of sin's havoc wreaked on the world and us all...He will nonetheless somehow ultimately redeem. He will be glorified.
There's nothing else.
So, even having already been only striving according to the strength He gives, then all the more is absolute dependency evidenced, now. To have nothing but to wait. Unable to do anything but wait. Giving up, except as each step is directed. And still flailing and failing as attempting to falter forward, yet still realizing that unless He gives grace...each and every one would be pointless.
I'm still not convinced that there won't come a time when what little has been allotted to remain is taken. By His good graces, then. In His time. Whatever He wills.
This life isn't mine. My heart isn't mine. My hands aren't my own. This body, neither. He has sole proprietorship. And He will bring the vestiges of will into submission. Painfully so, as self dies hard. But far better to live His life, then.
Each unto each, as well.
I forgot, again, that He gives and takes away. I forgot, again, that it's all His.
And that there's no promise of present comforts without tribulation. But rather with tribulation.
Fires and floods. Everything shaken, again and again. And burned, even now, to test the mettle of what's been built. Razed to the foundation. Perpetually.
So be it, Father.
Help.
Everything is broken.
The Lord has been guarding my heart against giving into many attacks, today. But not all, and I'm faltering a bit at a time. Just the worst, He's shielded against. The ones which, after realizing the import, would have utterly collapsed.
There's temptation to just stop. Just not to even continue thinking at all, continue through the pain. Grief is so...consuming. His peace is deeper, but there's battle to allow pain to give way to rage, to give way to resentment, to give way to bitterness, to give way to utter despair, to allow for abject despondency. Rather than be borne.
He will remain faithful. Even if that means continuing to crush, so to rebuild. To tear the idols away, till all that's left is Him. His mercy is severe.
There's nothing else, though. Neither I nor the world need anything other than God, ultimately. Everything else is either a lie or a boon of knowing Him, as goes what seems good. And that which reaps suffering, difficulty, horror, devastation, and destruction...all the continued manifestations of sin's havoc wreaked on the world and us all...He will nonetheless somehow ultimately redeem. He will be glorified.
There's nothing else.
So, even having already been only striving according to the strength He gives, then all the more is absolute dependency evidenced, now. To have nothing but to wait. Unable to do anything but wait. Giving up, except as each step is directed. And still flailing and failing as attempting to falter forward, yet still realizing that unless He gives grace...each and every one would be pointless.
I'm still not convinced that there won't come a time when what little has been allotted to remain is taken. By His good graces, then. In His time. Whatever He wills.
This life isn't mine. My heart isn't mine. My hands aren't my own. This body, neither. He has sole proprietorship. And He will bring the vestiges of will into submission. Painfully so, as self dies hard. But far better to live His life, then.
Each unto each, as well.
I forgot, again, that He gives and takes away. I forgot, again, that it's all His.
And that there's no promise of present comforts without tribulation. But rather with tribulation.
Fires and floods. Everything shaken, again and again. And burned, even now, to test the mettle of what's been built. Razed to the foundation. Perpetually.
So be it, Father.
Help.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
More of the Same
He will carry the pieces. There's nothing else.
He has to give boldness, too.
For Paul to ask for prayers that he would share the Gospel with boldness...? It helps to know there was anything in him that would possibly falter and sway to temptation to fear man more than God. I am so fickle on that front.
But I cast myself on Jesus's mercy. There's nothing else. He has to help, or there will be no help.
I don't want to deny Him. I don't want to fear man more than God. And not just because of knowing God can destroy me with mere thought. Not just because I know He's capable of wiping me out and all those whom I love, without notice.
But I want to speak of Him proudly, because He is God and I love Him. And that's enough. Speaking boldly, out of love. Defending the One I love, foremost. Against any opposition, no matter how vehement or vitriolic. No matter what.
No matter the cost.
Jesus, unless You help me with that, I'm not going to be able. I am willing, Lord, which is even Your work, but I'm not able. I just can't. It isn't in me. And that's terrible and I'm sorry. And it's grievous that I should love You and somehow still be ashamed to acknowledge You before all the world, openly daily. Even to a point of forcing myself to be open, as defiance against the fear and shame.
I am sorry, Lord. Jesus, please forgive me. I am so sorry.
I can't do this, Lord. I can't do any of it. I don't even know what's necessary. But You do. You are able. You are willing. Your love is enough to change me. To draw me and keep me and transform me and heal me. Please help.
And my friends, Lord. There's nothing I can bring to You except grief. Father, help. Please, just help.
Unless You do, there's nothing. We await You, Lord. We await Your will.
He has to give boldness, too.
For Paul to ask for prayers that he would share the Gospel with boldness...? It helps to know there was anything in him that would possibly falter and sway to temptation to fear man more than God. I am so fickle on that front.
But I cast myself on Jesus's mercy. There's nothing else. He has to help, or there will be no help.
I don't want to deny Him. I don't want to fear man more than God. And not just because of knowing God can destroy me with mere thought. Not just because I know He's capable of wiping me out and all those whom I love, without notice.
But I want to speak of Him proudly, because He is God and I love Him. And that's enough. Speaking boldly, out of love. Defending the One I love, foremost. Against any opposition, no matter how vehement or vitriolic. No matter what.
No matter the cost.
Jesus, unless You help me with that, I'm not going to be able. I am willing, Lord, which is even Your work, but I'm not able. I just can't. It isn't in me. And that's terrible and I'm sorry. And it's grievous that I should love You and somehow still be ashamed to acknowledge You before all the world, openly daily. Even to a point of forcing myself to be open, as defiance against the fear and shame.
I am sorry, Lord. Jesus, please forgive me. I am so sorry.
I can't do this, Lord. I can't do any of it. I don't even know what's necessary. But You do. You are able. You are willing. Your love is enough to change me. To draw me and keep me and transform me and heal me. Please help.
And my friends, Lord. There's nothing I can bring to You except grief. Father, help. Please, just help.
Unless You do, there's nothing. We await You, Lord. We await Your will.
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