Two things, recently.
First off: In trials requiring subjugation of self (unto what equates to complete silence) there comes a necessary point of abject surrender upon God, as awareness of complete incapacity to continue in silence unfolds. That sort of conscious, total dependence upon God is simultaneously absolutely freeing, completely humiliating (I had no idea how wonderful it is to remain humiliated, before God!), and inexplicably surreal for being so absolutely foreign.
Problems may arise, however, along that last point, as "self" (i.e., the flesh) attempts to reassert its own series of rationale regarding circumstance, as it's wont to do, so to "institute order and make sense of the situation."
Along those lines, there is something in our natures which constantly seeks for self-justification, apparently.
This, in blatant opposition to the will of God.
So, when He calls for silence, unless flesh has been completely crucified with Christ (oh, some blessed day!)...in the midst of even a divinely ordered and largely restful silence, flesh will still restlessly stir and mutter grievance and stubbornly seek to put names on the stages of procession: Flesh seeks to place its own mark on the "operation," in other words. Even upon the very Word of God, ultimately (ergo, we have false teachers, false doctrine, etc.--although demonic interference is definitely part to play, in instance...the flesh doesn't require encouragement unto such wrongdoing).
Even in the midst of relying abjectly upon God, with no alternative means of survival, it is still entirely possible to give sway to those sort desires of the flesh--even unto declarations of self-sufficiency in the midst of complete incapacitation of self.
Seriously. This is a big thing. It is a vital point which we all need to understand. I have been set completely aback in terror at the realization of how insidious, yet pervasive is this tendency--given how absolutely abominable it is to any walk with Christ.
Rationalization...is the problem.
Rationalizing--rather than looking completely to God for direction, trusting His word, trusting Him--effectively idolizes self.
Pharisee-style..
This would be nothing to labor over, except that we are all subject to the same temptations. And this one is absolutely rife. Everywhere. And it is absolutely destructive, and very easy to fall prey to, nearly unawares:
It is not possible to justify oneself or one's actions or one's thoughts or anything--period--outside of Christ. And to seek to justify oneself, in any way...in very many ways is entirely indicative one is not trusting in God.
Bear with me...
His Word is supreme. And not given to private interpretation.
This "private interpretation," however, is not "private" in the sense of "individual," though--it is "private," in the sense of any interpretation attempted without the Holy Spirit's explicit guidance. Period. (Read the verse which follows direct admonition against private interpretation.)
One thing which has been absolutely stymying, over the past month and some, is question over how a person is supposed to know where to individually focus efforts unto holiness, in Scripture: how to know this, according to methodologically established premises for such determination: not how to know, in terms of seeking and relying explicitly upon the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
You cannot separate interpretation from the Holy Spirit's guidance, though. Period. Even when being instructed, it is vital to listen to the witness given by the Holy Spirit, so as not to be misdirected.
What that means, in one very broad sense, is that there will always be an aspect of any interpretation of Scripture which cannot be wholly cemented in word, in theory, according to doctrine, as a methodology. Because the Holy Spirit must guide interpretation, in order for it to be valid. He will thus direct all interpretation according to divine knowledge, according to His sovereign will, and according to His ways, which are ever higher than our own. This, even as there are some things which will necessarily be fair-applicable, across the board (thus, some sound doctrines exist and systematic theology is possible).
As mentioned previously, this isn't to say that everyone will necessarily have the same sort of walk with Christ, though: perhaps it's not necessary that everyone be so very conscious of Him, actively? I'm really not sure, only wondering at what's been witnessed--still praying.
This abject, unavoidable reliance upon God, the Holy Spirit, should keep us humble, though: We're not even able to interpret Scripture on our own, let alone live in accord with it, without divine assistance...
...yet, there's still tendency toward self-justification.
Who was it, Thomas Paine? (athiest, as far as I know), who said something to the effect of, "An extended period of thinking something correct gives it the superficial appearance of being so."
...along those lines, even as badly paraphrased. You get the jist.
The fleshly tendency is to meddle in the work of God, is all: as to somehow "reinforce a sense of inherent self-worth: as independent of God, per the leaving of one's own thumbprint." In many ways, the same temptation, as in the Garden of Eden: "..you'll be like God in your own right, if you do this: assert yourself, independent of Him, so to "prove" yourself capable of making determinations regarding concepts yet beyond your capacity for comprehension."
...as one who is in the midst of circumstances God fully ordained, who then experiences a compulsive desire to completely comprehend the situation...as opposed to remaining in the position of simply trusting Him, explicitly.
The danger comes in, at that point. That compulsion is the temptation unto sin.
In those instances, the flesh is so sorely vexed by the intrinsic compulsion to reassert its natural state of rebellion against God--seeking through any means to gasp upward into expression, unto continual domination of consciousness. Seeking, then, to find ways to alter the situation, as to reference and thus always revere itself (if not to the exclusion of God, then to an assertion of equality unto God--either of which are complete idolatry and, ultimately, blasphemy). Most oft, this seems attempted by way of initiating rationalization of a situation's constructs (why it's going on, to what end, etc.), even unto attempts at justification of self. This all goes on entirely beyond what God ordains or decrees, of obedience, in those such instances. So, it goes on outside of obedience: unto disobedience.
Put another way: It is the nature of flesh, to justify itself--to justify its own motives, to justify its own means, to justify its reasoning, and to find such justification in and of any situation it finds itself in. And this tendency constitutes rebellion against God, as no justification exists apart from Him, given our depraved condition apart from Christ.
Period.
So any other justification (distinct from the justification of one's abject subjugation to Christ = self-referential, some-wise self-derived) is rebellion against Him, having effected a statement of self-sufficiency, by having effectively asserted an ability to be justified apart from God. As goes attempts to find such justifications in Scripture, though...
...Jesus, Himself, said that only God is good. God, alone, is good...
In other words: We AREN'T. We AREN'T justified nor justifiable, in and of ourselves, by ANY means. Any who are justified are justified only in Christ--not in and of themselves. So, how can we then ever seek to justify ourselves, to anyone else, when we have no justification, aside of what's bestowed in and through Christ, Himself?
We don't know His ways, in their entirety: We cannot fathom His thoughts, in their entirety: So, even if we are wholly obedient to His explicitly revealed commands (in Scripture, per revelation of the Holy Spirit), how could we dare seek to justify our actions, other than to only and completely claim Christ as our justification: our all, in all?...so to claim a desire for obedience, but NAUGHT else?...as we're INCAPABLE of fully comprehending the all of what He asks, except to obey in whatever capacity is given.
This has been particularly difficult to take in, given the implications--long-range and full-scale--pertaining to any attempts at self-justification in public, in private, and on all fronts. It is very uncomfortable, as so opposed to desire for "self-preservation."
It requires complete reliance upon Christ, because it goes against everything of the flesh, to refrain from attempting self-justification.
Seriously. The whole, "well, why am I doing this, Lord?:...is it because of this?...or because of this?...or because of this?...oh, I bet it's this!...it is this, isn't it???"...unto that last point, which oft begets even a minor sense of self-sufficiency, for having come to comprehend something of "the ways of God." We are to seek to understand Him and His ways, but not as a means of attaining to a sense of self-sufficiency.
Which is why that is the next notable point of absolute aberrance:
Self-justification begets a sense of self-sufficiency.
Unto pride.
Even if a small amount, it is enough to demean one's devotion to God, by more blatantly re-asserting self as an idol.
The way He brought me to terms with that, this past week and a half:
...every time I'd get to a particular point of rationalization unto self-justification (which always yields entirely to judging oneself against others, by the way--coming to a point of self-justification inherently requires that Christ can no longer be the focal point of comparison: otherwise, the whole deal would utterly fall apart, per impossibility of comparison to His perfection and majesty((--again, as to why no justification of self is truly possible))), there'd randomly spring the thought, "I'm so glad/thank God that I am not as other men...Like as that publican, there."
First time it happened, my first response was denial, giving into further self-justification.
The second time it happened, I realized I was bereft of excuses. There was no excuse for thinking in those terms. Perplexity resulted. Seeking Him more deeply, always, again: Praying for clarity.
And the third time it happened, I realized it was a lost cause: only God can save me from my tendency to the leaven of the Pharisees.
I've been fighting it, though: Fighting against the realization that I can't justify myself. It's sin, to attempt to justify self, really, in terms of who God is.
Self-justification seems to derive largely from an urge unto self-preservation, is all. And unless a person is so secure in their trust and wholehearted reliance upon God as to be absolutely given over to Him, come whatever may (as our Lord was): unto death, maiming, loss of limb, loss of reputation--loss of whatsoever worldly lot there be, to be blessedly drawn nearer to Him: unless a person is that faithful to God, I'm not sure it's possible to be free from temptations unto self-preservation.
Moreover, the flesh does not want to be crucified. That part of us does not want to be relegated to "death"--even as wholly dead to carnality, so to be fully dead to sin. But it must be crucified, wholly, as to be so fully alive in and to Christ, as to have the sort of faith which doesn't look twice at self-preservation (in terms of rightly-discerned obedience to God).
Along these lines, even as I have been spiritually regenerated--as to love Christ, to love God, to know Him as precious and wonderful above all things...as to begin to love others, even...and as to have initially repented of sin and continue to repent, as He leads...
...still, carnal desires seek to coexist with spiritual living, but it cannot be so. One will dominate the other, and as one will increase the other must decrease.
Those thoughts, though, "Thank you, God, that I'm not as other men..."--He brought them forth. Like a bucket of cold water over my head. Pointing out my slide into hypocrisy.
It can't be so. Can't be. Or, rather, cannot be allowed to continue. Period.
I read a blog/article/sermon by John Piper (maybe?) a couple days ago, about a "Soft Word for Pharisees."
It helped, in the midst of all this. It helped a lot. He made a very good point: there was one instance of a soft rebuke given by Jesus, to the Pharisees: The story of the prodigal son.
The older son was Pharisaical: He had an attitude which prevented him from experiencing and sharing in his Father's love: his loyalty to his Father wasn't loving: he mentally equated his relationship with his father to servitude--the elder son described his position of "service" as unwaveringly "obedient." This, despite the Father's loving reproof: the older son felt slighted, but the Father reminded him he'd had the privilege of His presence unwaveringly while the younger son had been bereft. The elder son didn't seem to have had any appreciation for this intimacy, however: he was entirely focused on his own efforts, thus his own "justifiable" offense.
Piper also pointed out that the Father went out to his elder son, rather than sending someone to retrieve him: He himself went, seeking to entreat His son to return to the table. There was much love there, in other words. Even as, ultimately, the elder brother's choice was his alone, to make: He was welcome, but would he allow his disdain for another overshadow the Father's love?: moreover, would he forsake his erstwhile, ill-begotten perceptions of a self-justified, offended sense of worth, and instead embrace loving fellowship with the Father and his brother?
It's like that, though, when we compare ourselves to our "siblings," to others around us, and become mired in perceptions of ourselves: we quickly begin to feel off-kilter, unbalanced, slighted, superior, self-righteous, or anywise similarly off. Which is why focus must be on our relationship with our Father. Period. Not even on our performance, except perhaps as it explicitly revolves around the desire to express love for Him more blatantly, through obedience. Only of love, though. In trust.
...we must embrace His love, and enjoy His companionship, and so grow to be more like Him. Loving Him somehow engenders a desire to be like Him.
The only course possible to that end, though, is one entirely focused on Christ: thus, God-given, inspired, and directed: per course of increasing revelation of Christ's majesty, immanence, and preciousness, unto further sanctification.
I'm otherwise physically, emotionally, and mentally incapable of refraining from indulging the temptation to justify myself: whether directly, to people who would or might or could attempt to impugn or admire my character (equivalent processes, regarding self-idolatry: whether we pity ourselves, hate ourselves, laugh at ourselves, or exalt ourselves, it's all undue focus on self, rather than Christ)...or whether temptation to justify self is indulged more indirectly, per discussion with people who are near-entirely uninvolved in my life (a sore fault given prey to earlier, I confess) and thus more like to readily reinforce contrived self-justifications laced, unconscious throughout any such "impartial" telling... Either way, I'm personally incapable of refraining, entirely.
However...
Coming to that awareness, means I can pray.
Because the only way forward is through Christ.
Same as always.
Wonderfully so.
All things are possible, through Him. He did overcome the world, after all.
So, I'm not too concerned about this. I mean...yeah, I can't do it...but HE can.
And I trust Him.
Implicitly and explicitly. Increasingly so.
We all must, if we are to have any hope of evading these such snares as so readily contrive to forestall our walk with the Lord: Prefer, always, loving obedience--not burdensome, a labor of love.
Just as He abandons none. None, who are His own.
....and....
....the "second thing"...
...is no longer presently with me.
Perhaps tomorrow, Lord willing?
God bless you and keep you.
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