Not one jot...

I did do the thing where my spiritual truths have been publicly acknowledged in the midst of the crowd of acquaintances and friends. Truth.

And I keep asking whether I need to be more explicit. Whether I need to jump up and down or do the verbal equivalent of a gymnastic routine so to draw total attention.

At which point, I'm continually reminded that the entirety of what was initially written and shared was verified prior to posting. Part of the verification process had entailed being wholly explicit, actually--there was a point in which I'd mentioned Jesus's name without specifying the current relationship He bears in my life. Lord of my life, ya know? That whole deal.

Honestly, that's become a term of utmost endearment. "Lord..."

Seriously. Never thought I'd see the day.

Which is something that's been on my mind a lot, lately--the differences in my outlook now, as opposed to a few years ago. As opposed to a decade ago, even..

I remember how it felt to be outside of this fellowship with the Holy Spirit. I remember the hollow fulfillment felt, in prior fellowships. A fulfillment of sorts, yes, but those same fellowships now augment the one primarily embraced. Rather than being a partial fulfillment.

There was always an edge to things. An edge of anxiety. An edge of fear. An edge of desperation--craving something more. Brazenly.

I remember that, most specifically, of the time immediately after Katrina. Back in New Orleans, with society in tatters. Society existed solely of those few with whom I trafficked daily, in absence of conveniences of electricity and potable water, yet relying on one another for comfort and assurance.

We loved one another, in essence of the word. And all those whom we encountered, really. Arms were outstretched in welcome and comfort. Words were shared and embraced when given. Smiles of encouragement and solidarity abounded.

And so did the liquor, though.

But the love was real. The camaraderie was real. The concern was real. As was the attempt to assist. Just, there was an edge of uncertainty to the all. Which, maybe is where the alcohol found purchase to proliferate.

I don't know. All I know is that even with as much devotion as the close-knit circle of friends maintained, we each were falling apart entirely, in our own ways. Or, maybe more truthfully, we were only barely ever contained.

That was the case with me, at least. I was only barely self-contained even prior to the trauma of having life being ripped entirely asunder.

Now, though...

I have nothing. But I have everything, in having Jesus. In knowing Him personally...and being guided by the Holy Spirit, daily, into deeper understanding of my Father, God.. My Lord, entire.

Conversation, for reals. Absolutely awesome.

I keep thinking about all the friends I love who are still longing for fulfillment. Wishing there were some way to translate this relationship adequately as to help them realize it's the thing.

Language is the problem. Or, rather, that's one way of putting it.

I remember how adamantly opposed I'd been to even hearing the name of Jesus. In fact, even after a full four years of increasingly regular church attendance, to the point where I had to publicly acknowledge that regular church attendance was the ONLY thing keeping me sane...I still had a hard time saying His name. To the point that, one night, I asked Him if there was something else I could call Him. To get over the discomfort, the shame, the fear..

Yeshua is what He told me.

I looked it up. Because, of course, I completely doubted the veracity of having received a legitimate response, directly.
But, yeah--Yeshua HaMashiach is what seems to be the more proper phrasing. Equivalent to Jesus Christ, as goes the English phonetic for His Hebrew name.

John 14:15-21 AMP

If you [really] love Me, you will keep (obey) My commands.

 And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby), that He may remain with you forever—

 The Spirit of Truth, Whom the world cannot receive (welcome, take to its heart), because it does not see Him or know and recognize Him. But you know and recognize Him, for He lives with you [constantly] and will be in you.

 I will not leave you as orphans [comfortless, desolate, bereaved, forlorn, helpless]; I will come [back] to you.

 Just a little while now, and the world will not see Me any more, but you will see Me; because I live, you will live also.

 At that time [when that day comes] you will know [for yourselves] that I am in My Father, and you [are] in Me, and I [am] in you.

 The person who has My commands and keeps them is the one who [really] loves Me; and whoever [really] loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I [too] will love him and will show (reveal, manifest) Myself to him. [I will let Myself be clearly seen by him and make Myself real to him

...or "her," as it turns out. 

Paul did mention that there is neither male nor female in Christ, though. 

Galatians 3:24-29

But now that the faith has come, we are no longer under a trainer (the guardian of our childhood).

 For in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God through faith.

 For as many [of you] as were baptized into Christ [into a spiritual union and communion with Christ, the Anointed One, the Messiah] have put on (clothed yourselves with) Christ.

 There is [now no distinction] neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is not male and female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

 And if you belong to Christ [are in Him Who is Abraham’s Seed], then you are Abraham’s offspring and [spiritual] heirs according to promise

Colossians 3:9-12

Do not lie to one another, for you have stripped off the old (unregenerate) self with its evil practices,

 And have clothed yourselves with the new [spiritual self], which is [ever in the process of being] renewed and remolded into [fuller and more perfect knowledge upon] knowledge after the image (the likeness) of Him Who created it.

 [In this new creation all distinctions vanish.] There is no room for and there can be neither Greek nor Jew, circumcised nor uncircumcised, [nor difference between nations whether alien] barbarians or Scythians [ who are the most savage of all], nor slave or free man; but Christ is all and in all [ everything and everywhere, to all men, without distinction of person].

 Clothe yourselves therefore, as God’s own chosen ones (His own picked representatives), [who are] purified and holy and well- beloved [by God Himself, by putting on behavior marked by] tenderhearted pity and mercy, kind feeling, a lowly opinion of yourselves, gentle ways, [and] patience [which is tireless and long- suffering, and has the power to endure whatever comes, with good temper

That just brings me to so many arguments, really. So many things have tried to derail me from pursuing this faith, this relationship, this communion with Christ. Sooooooo many things. 

From insidious internal murmurings of how horrid it would be to submit my will to an outside being, without question, lifelong...to fixations on the cynicism and mockery participated in, against Christ...to pseudo-intellectual arguments mentally posed against the "naivete" of ascribing to an ancient (yet not-ancient-enough?) religion founded upon ideals of patriarchy.

I've run the gamut. Or run through the gauntlet, more-like, in the process of having pursued understanding of this "religion" of faith in Jesus. 

One of the initial difficulties, too, was the idea that...with as flaky as I've been...I would get so far into things and then just give up, wander off. But it doesn't work that way. 

John 10:27-29

 The sheep that are My own hear and are listening to My voice; and I know them, and they follow Me.

 And I give them eternal life, and they shall never lose it or perish throughout the ages. [To all eternity they shall never by any means be destroyed.] And no one is able to snatch them out of My hand.

 My Father, Who has given them to Me, is greater and mightier than all [else]; and no one is able to snatch [them] out of the Father’s hand

Deuteronomy 31:8

It is the Lord Who goes before you; He will [march] with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; [let there be no cowardice or flinching, but] fear not, neither become broken [in spirit—depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm

Jude 1:24-25

Now to Him Who is able to keep you without stumbling or slipping or falling, and to present [you] unblemished (blameless and faultless) before the presence of His glory in triumphant joy and exultation [with unspeakable, ecstatic delight] —

 To the one only God, our Savior through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory (splendor), majesty, might and dominion, and power and authority, before all time and now and forever (unto all the ages of eternity). Amen (so be it)

I just have to be vigilant. I have to be committed. I have to cling to Him, in as best I'm capable. Seek sound teaching. Test the spirits. Fellowship with those who also love Christ. Refrain from giving the devil place.

And He does all the rest. And even guides me in all that.

Besides--worrying about what could happen in 25 years is utterly pointless. 

AND OH YEAH!!!

God spoke through one of His prophets again, tonight. To me.

I mean, seriously...how friggin' humbling is that??? I do not deserve that sort of direct assurance. Not even a little bit. But He's just THAT phenomenally wonderful.

SERIOUSLY.

This is the third time in as many weeks (three, yeah) that He's spoken to me through others. And each of them musicians. Prophets.

Maybe a little backstory is in order? Maybe.

Okay. First off, I received baptism in/of the Holy Spirit a little after midnight on the fourth of the month. Attempted madness in the household of my sister, and as par for the course of life--all the many, many churches and prayings and such were going on. 

Two--maybe three--weeks prior, the pastor at one of my regular churches preached on the baptism during Wednesday night service. He opened the altar to anyone who wished to receive. I went, of course. I was felled by the power of the Spirit, set upon by laughter. 

Next night, I stayed after service at my home church to speak with the pastor and his wife. They gave me reading materials, and upon finding out I was seeking baptism, he laid hands and prayed. She told me it would probably hit me in 15 minutes or so, that I may have to be prepared to pull off the road. 

I got a good ways down the road, just talking to Jesus and praising, figuring all was well and it was fine that I hadn't received, just thanked Him for letting me talk with people and get more information, and was struck by the most wonderful, all-encompassing sense of fulfillment and gratitude--I  began sobbing uncontrollably. So, of course, I had to pull over. And the sense of gratitude and fulfillment morphed into one of absolute joy--laughter, again. Praise.

Night after that, I ended up going with my dad and stepmom to a revival service at their church in McDowell. Felt the need to go for prayer there, as well, and to let them know about my desire for the baptism...they laid hands, prayed, and gave advice. Then, after the prayer service was fairly concluded, the assistant pastor called me back over and to hold the hand of one of the church members while they prayed for us both. I was felled, yet again. And laughing. 

But none with the manifestation as scripturally described for the baptism. 

Things became increasingly insane in my sister's household. Until, four weeks ago, each of the nights I stayed there, I noticed that things had taken a decidedly less sane turn, still. 

One thing I've been blessed enough as to do, lately, is...akin to what this is, right now...late in the evenings, when everyone else has gone to sleep, I get to spend time alone with the Lord. Prayer, studying, learning, and just enjoying His Presence. 

Each of those nights at her house, four weeks ago, within 10 minutes of my evening's conclusion (different times each night), there was a major disturbance in the household which prevented me from sleep. So, sleep became increasingly sporadic. 

This became increasingly the case, over the subsequent week's time, until the outbursts became focused through my sister. Same consistency in the timing of the disturbances--always within a very brief span of time from which evening devotions concluded and sleep was sought, regardless of the disparity in actual hour. 

I know what that signifies, but don't feel this is the forum or perhaps the time. 

Either way, it escalated nightly--the level and extremity of disturbance. Until the night of the fourth. 

A couple nights prior, a dream had entailed instruction in the matter--concerning how it proceeds. But that night, I received the Spirit. By the grace of God, I received and prayed in the Spirit for...I don't even know how long. I just kept praying. And kept praying. 

It happened just as soon as I laid down to go to sleep, and I just stayed there and prayed quietly aloud--whispered prayers into the darkness.

And finally felt peace. 

And slept. And awoke maybe three times, each time someone stirred. And without thinking, I can just reflect to realize that each time I awoke, I again began praying in the Spirit. 

And no one stirred from bed until well after the alarm clock went off, that morning. 

That night was another odd one, but there was a level of peace with me all day which was entirely more prevalent than anything I'd been able to cling to or muster, prior. I prayed in the spirit all day, each time something attacked. Verbal assaults, all day. But, by the grace of God, I wasn't drawn in.

And the next day, the police were called in, and a hospitalization eventually resulted.

I thanked God profusely.

So, despite the attempted chaos that evening...praying down storms the sort which aspire to tornadoes...as soon as learning of an opportunity for church--to go worship and learn--I ran for it.

The Joyful Lights. And so far along into the music, into worship, and into thanking the Lord for taking care of matters and for being in control, I felt called to approach the altar. To pray and to praise. And to lay the burden down. 

I went. And I wept, for so palpable a sense of relief and gratitude experienced. 

Nearly a month of increasingly severe sleep deprivation accrued to that point, and to know it was over. The victory assured... To experience revelation and know all that? Oh, yeah--seriously relieved and grateful.

And as though just fully experiencing that revelation weren't utterly phenomenal enough, almost as soon as I was given to return to my seat and further praise, the lead singer stopped and told me she had a Word. God wanted her to tell me, "It is well," and to have the church pray.

Writing about this all, I have to pause for a moment. I pray about whether to write all this, and the things I'm given to write are all well and good, for having experienced and known them.
Same as the last post, though, it still just irks and saddens me to know that no matter the depth, height, breadth, and width of the revelations I've experienced, and no matter how eloquently I might even relay them, wholly adequate to the truth of the experience...there are still people who will see something else entirely in what I write. 

I know it, fully, for having been on that side. But it's not something that can stop me from living the Truth. I lived against Truth for so long--calling myself a true seeker of it, and yet denying the One Truth, in favor of sounding out ALL others which I perceived to bear potential. Everything from intellectualist athiesm to zen buddhism, free-form paganism and all in between...all tried and found wanting--otherwise I'd have been able to stop seeking beyond the boundaries of what each prescribes and comprised, as is now found. 

Just, I know deeply how suspicion and cynicism do color interpretation of even the most sincere, heartfelt, and truthful accounts. 

Eh. No matter. 

She gave the Word. I received, given that it completely accorded with what the Holy Spirit had been revealing to me already--moreover, it wholly accentuated that which had already been revealed. In such a way as to allow me to surrender completely to relief.

I've been in the process of surrendering completely to hope and to faith, these past couple weeks. And I've received Word on those accounts, too. 

Joel 2:23-29

Fear not, O land; be glad and rejoice, for the Lord has done great things!

 Be not afraid, you wild beasts of the field, for the pastures of the wilderness have sprung up and are green; the tree bears its fruit, and the fig tree and the vine yield their [full] strength.

 Be glad then, you children of Zion, and rejoice in the Lord, your God; for He gives you the former or early rain in just measure and in righteousness, and He causes to come down for you the rain, the former rain and the latter rain, as before.

 And the [threshing] floors shall be full of grain and the vats shall overflow with juice [of the grape] and oil.

 And I will restore or replace for you the years that the locust has eaten—the hopping locust, the stripping locust, and the crawling locust, My great army which I sent among you.

 And you shall eat in plenty and be satisfied and praise the name of the Lord, your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you. And My people shall never be put to shame.

 And you shall know, understand, and realize that I am in the midst of Israel and that I the Lord am your God and there is none else. My people shall never be put to shame.

 And afterward I will pour out My Spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions.

 Even upon the menservants and upon the maidservants in those days will I pour out My Spirit

Verse 25 had been coming up, out of nowhere, for a couple weeks or so. As a confirmation. 

Week before last, I received Word that the breakthrough is here. Which, indeed, it is. I don't know what, yet, but I can feel the edges overlapping. 

And, weekend before this recent, fellow preached on above verse 25. Explained how it indicates that not only are the provisions restored, but so also the growth and the works. I'd been so concerned all week, that week, about how much time had been lost to me--how much work I'd forsaken, how far along I could be. Even having had that verse brought to my attention randomly, earlier that week. Still, I was doubting God's ability to restore as He said. 

But He can. He will. 

There's no place for doubt. None. 

I've been believing. And then, again tonight, was given and received Word on this very matter. 

I'd been recently caught up in wondering why the last couple decades went as they did. Why was I so easily distracted away from the church? Why was I so easily hurt when kicked out just the once, while under the influence of the Spirit? Was I still in God's will during that period...having given my life to Jesus before that...or had I forsaken entirely, giving in to apostasy?

Hm. Actually, this link answers. I'd "professed faith without truly possessing faith," in a way. I had no idea what I was doing, only knew that I wanted to do things for God, but didn't even know how to go about making that sort of commitment. So, I got caught up in persecutions and led astray by temptations, without pursuing faith, and through trials by fire as means of judgment...by grace, I've found my way to that deeper relationship I used to crave and yet had no idea of how to begin to pursue. And every day is another day closer, thankfully.

Before, though--I had tried to do all the many things, without ever talking to the Lord. Everything was centered upon some rather indistinct longings to just be consumed with doing good. A sense of conviction had called me, but without any direction or lasting instruction, without becoming enmeshed in what the Word said, I fell away from the church. Even without losing the desire to love others and to do good, yet I stepped away from my Savior.

But the more I've read scripture, and the more I've prayed and fellowshipped with the Spirit, the more I've been led to see that faith takes time. 

1 Peter 1:7-9

So that [the genuineness] of your faith may be tested, [your faith] which is infinitely more precious than the perishable gold which is tested and purified by fire. [This proving of your faith is intended] to redound to [your] praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One) is revealed.

 Without having seen Him, you love Him; though you do not [even] now see Him, you believe in Him and exult and thrill with inexpressible and glorious (triumphant, heavenly) joy.

 [At the same time] you receive the result (outcome, consummation) of your faith, the salvation of your souls

Isaiah 48:9-17

Yes, you have never heard, yes, you have never known; yes, from of old your ear has not been opened. For I, the Lord, knew that you, O house of Israel, dealt very treacherously; you were called a transgressor and a rebel [in revolt] from your birth.

 For My name’s sake I defer My anger, and for the sake of My praise I restrain it for you, that I may not cut you off.

 Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried and chosen you in the furnace of affliction.

 For My own sake, for My own sake, I do it [I refrain and do not utterly destroy you]; for why should I permit My name to be polluted and profaned [which it would be if the Lord completely destroyed His chosen people]? And I will not give My glory to another [by permitting the worshipers of idols to triumph over you].

 Listen to Me, O Jacob, and Israel, My called [ones]:I am He; I am the First, I also am the Last.

 Yes, My hand has laid the foundation of the earth, and My right hand has spread out the heavens; when I call to them, they stand forth together [to execute My decrees].

 Assemble yourselves, all of you, and hear! Who among them [the gods and Chaldean astrologers] has foretold these things? The Lord has loved him [Cyrus of Persia]; he will do His pleasure and purpose on Babylon, and his arm will be against the Chaldeans.

 I, even I, have foretold it; yes, I have called him [Cyrus]; I have brought him, and [the Lord] shall make his way prosperous.

 Come near to me and listen to this:I have not spoken in secret from the beginning; from the time that it happened, I was there. And now the Lord God has sent His Spirit in and with me.

 Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:I am the Lord your God, Who teaches you to profit, Who leads you in the way that you should go

That just makes direct confirmations from the Lord, at this juncture, all the more meaningful and humbling. He tells me in the Word and His Spirit tells me, also, by way akin to what I used to regard as my "conscience"...but lately He's been so utterly phenomenal as to speak direct through others to me, too. 

The instance tonight took all the Word given these past many weeks, tied it together, and just took it utterly beyond anything I could have expected. 

Wrapped it up, complete, and put the seal of His promise on it. Like He does. 

Not only are all those years restored, but the same dreams He'd given me way back then have all been rekindling--they're still valid, in other words.

And all these questions I've continued to have, this past week and some, as to why I've been down the roads I've been down? Why I'd taken so long away, before recommitting? 

He had to take me through the places I've been, as to take me to those places He's ever been taking me toward.

Which...yeah. 

I mean... How could a person trust completely, unless they'd been to the point where they relied entirely? How could they live for something, unquestioningly, unless they'd died to/through everything else? How could a person completely devote their life, without reaching humility to realize it as never their own, regardless...reinforced per having life spared--wholly miraculously--under acknowledgment of just such a realization?

Another bit which had struck me uncannily along that specific line of thought:

A few nights ago, I was listening to Kathryn Kuhlman. She has a few sound-clips accessible online, and I've been going through what's there. One of her "sermons" deals with Baptism in the Spirit, and she prefaced by discussing how she went on the road evangelizing basically the moment she received salvation. Only later to realize she could only give to others as much as she herself had experienced and received, which was so little at that early point, in comparison to later revelations.

In her initial enthusiasm and zeal for serving the Lord, though, she was only able to share salvation with others--the wonderful transformation which it is, and which it entails, as to begin serving the Lord and being transformed by the glorious presence of the Holy Spirit, as to know God as Father..

..but she wasn't then yet able to share baptism in/of the Holy Spirit, as she hadn't yet experienced it. 

And she recounted, further, of a conversation she'd had with the Lord one day more recent in her career for Him, when she was evangelizing in Jerusalem. She was older. Still as enthusiastic for the Lord. More aware of and knowledgeable of Him...more able to share with others the joy of His Presence. More fully equipped by a relationship with the Holy Spirit, such that He regularly manifested God's glory by way of miracles and healings within her course of ministry..

And yet she was physically exhausted, so easily, that she questioned the Lord to why she couldn't have had the ministry she was experiencing while she was young in body as to be able to do more without becoming so worn. 

The answer He gave her was the same one He'd been basically giving me, as to the "whys" of present goings-on. 

She wasn't ready for that level of service while she was younger--she would have messed it up. 

Obedience is everything. And, as I've increasingly found...the greater part of obedience is having patience. 

For me, at least. Given my tendency to jump in, ask questions later. There's a proverb about that, isn't there? Something about fools rushing in? 

Proverbs 19:2-3

Desire without knowledge is not good, and to be overhasty is to sin and miss the mark.

 The foolishness of man subverts his way [ruins his affairs]; then his heart is resentful and frets against the Lord

I would have botched everything. I still could, without more humility. Only with absolute guidance is anything progressive and productive going to be possible.

Proverbs 3:5-7, 11-13, 23-26

Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.

 In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.

 Be not wise in your own eyes; reverently fear and worship the Lord and turn [entirely] away from evil.

...

 My son, do not despise or shrink from the chastening of the Lord [His correction by punishment or by subjection to suffering or trial]; neither be weary of or impatient about or loathe or abhor His reproof,

 For whom the Lord loves He corrects, even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.

 Happy (blessed, fortunate, enviable) is the man who finds skillful and godly Wisdom, and the man who gets understanding [drawing it forth from God’s Word and life’s experiences],

 ...

 Then you will walk in your way securely and in confident trust, and you shall not dash your foot or stumble.

 When you lie down, you shall not be afraid; yes, you shall lie down, and your sleep shall be sweet.

 Be not afraid of sudden terror and panic, nor of the stormy blast or the storm and ruin of the wicked when it comes [for you will be guiltless],

 For the Lord shall be your confidence, firm and strong, and shall keep your foot from being caught [in a trap or some hidden danger

That's it, though. Complete and total, constantly acknowledged reliance upon the Lord. THAT is the only thing. Everything.

I am not capable of doing any good thing. This is known, given 32-years of trial and error largely "unhindered" (woe, oh woe!) by the Lord's guidance, wherein I tried everything which even marginally crossed my mind as being something which might either fulfill, intrigue, amuse, entertain, enlighten, or empower me. Everything.

This, while having maintained a vestige of moral principals which were largely arbitrary, yet truthfully remnant of my faltered pursuit of Christ. 

Main thing, though--I completely botched things. Totally. No matter how intricately laid the plans, nor how lacking. Still, the whole ordeal prior to returning to this acceptance of Truth was a total mess. I was as good as dead. I wanted to be. I tried. And I did things which didn't even seem right at the time, just because circumstances made them manifest, and because it was easier to continue to go with the course than do right.

Pride still grates. Probably because it's always been such a pet. So easy to begin to take on, and so very, very destructive...or, at the very least--counter-productive. And it is EVERYWHERE.

...to revel in just an inkling of the glory is the temptation. Just an atom of it.

Public humiliation is kind of my bag, though. It's terrible, but works. The good Lord keeps me humble--myself, a willing participant.

I still don't think I've recorded all the stuff from tonight. Just...

It's on.