Battling Confusion: Return to the Gospel, Turn to Christ

Getting distracted is so easy. So many points of consideration and so many possible interpretations exist for much of what's in the world. Getting distracted from truth doesn't require anything more than simply wondering, to wander.

And in the midst of being so concerned regarding deviant doctrine, my own failure is often to fixate on deconstructing the ideas represented to the exclusion of remembering Christ. Such a dark place to revisit, time and again.

There are so many points of grief, now. And such a need for healing, still. My own desperate state of needing further deliverance unto God is become increasingly apparent. Stricken more deeply with a clearer recollection of some of the darkness which had been my modus operandi, prior to Christ, on top of the despair over finding so many doctrinal matters to be more deeply devastating...and I'm undone more deeply.

Barely held together, loosely but by His grace.

The Lord has been so gracious. A storm is still raging, so to speak, but He has been keeping me from being utterly tossed about. Such that although I'm still unable to even maintain cognizance of the passage of days linearly, nor to follow a thought necessarily to its end (and even find myself again and again going back and forth, even self-contradicting on minor points)...then, still, back to God thoughts keep turning and being mercifully turned. Back to truth. Back to the fundamental truth which anchors the hope in my soul.

Point being, there's something inherently distracting found even wandering down erstwhile seemingly good paths. And this is a bit confounding to me. Or, perhaps it's confounding--confusion producing--because I keep stepping into it rather than remaining steadfast in the Gospel of Christ and trusting Him to guide my speech regarding what His Word says on matters being confronted.

I don't know. This is just one of those times where there's nothing I can do to maintain other than to "Be still and know that [He] is God." Turning to the right or the left adds to the confusion. Trying to find refuge elsewhere is destructive--seeking for solace in anything other than to dig more deeply into a remembrance of who He is, through His Word and sound words of praise and prayer and fellowship in His Word & Spirit (i.e., not centered around things which add to the distraction, like movies or music or apparently not even some sorts of Biblically derived teachings...but of His Word, of the Bible itself, thoughts need be fixed)...adds to the desolation and despondency and confusion.

So, no. Just to stay near to Him. And not to think afield. Not to be concerned over anything other than what's right in front of me. Neither looking far behind or before me.

Though I do remember some things, now in a different light than before. No longer encompassed by shame, but seen in light of the truth of my deception as my heart had been so darkened by sin. I have been so completely deluded at times, thinking things which were utterly wretched were really "no big deal," for having long had a practice of engaging in them.

I'm conflicted now about the idea of recounting things. So I won't. Because there's no necessity of recounting specific sins nor lifestyle of sin in order to try to fashion some point regarding the tragedy and destructiveness and deceptiveness of sin. No.

And perhaps that's at the heart of the matter of why the turning over and over in my mind the errors of particular doctrine has been such a point of faltering. We don't gain liberty by understanding sin.
We don't free others by being able to offer logical proofs, truly.

It's the Gospel which frees us. The truth of our fallen state and our deserved punishment and of God's own Son's intercession on our behalf.

He has warned us not to be deceived or caught up by philosophies or vain pondering. Fixating on sin and on error does not ultimately free us from either. Though we are to warn one another and go to one another when there is a call to do so, we don't stay in that place.

Or at least, that doesn't seem the general call. From what I see in God's Word, the Gospel is that which we are to guard and share. And by the light of that truth, all else is put to shame and set to the side. Where be those who would treasure Christ.

So, to be led of Him. Not as a matter being taught by man, but growing in grace by the Spirit and the Word of God living within.

Just...there are certain doctrines gone out in the world which take and twist the Scriptures. To appease carnal desires by allowing for man's wisdom, man's development on His on terms, man's exaltation of his own understanding. And even in attempting to confront such things, wholesale, there's a turning from the Lord past a point. Or at least, so it is for me.

It's like...we do mark those who create divisions according to the truth, separating from them. But I can't see staying fixed there. Or at least, personally I find this is another sort of distraction from Christ.

Looking at it another way, I think on what the epistles from the Apostles comprised. Of them all, I think only Paul and John specifically called out particular people for being divisive and contrary to the Gospel. But those points of note, where they occur, weren't in and of themselves the whole of the epistle. Much was said besides which encouraged in the truth of the Gospel and warned about dividing from that blessed truth by being caught up in various bits of discussion about the meanings of words and of genealogies and of various philosophies and ponderings and other sort of things which don't in themselves center on God, on truth, on Christ, on what has been done to deliver us...and on loving one another in light of these truths.

So I don't know. Other than to know that I need to return to focus on the Bible rather than attempting to discern what the right manner of dealing with the world is, regarding weirdness here, there, and everywhere. There is weirdness. There is error. I am not wholly delivered, myself, most certainly. And I do hope and pray and trust He will continue to deliver me, by all means He deems necessary.

This then perhaps is another instance of experiencing the desire to exercise my own understanding, by extrapolating principles from the Bible rather than being led of the Lord in where and how to act and speak. There's a fine line. Because some things are clarion--adultery, fornication, greed, various sorts of lusts...are evil, not of God, and need be done away with. And...yet...realistically even there, it's only been accomplished in my own life by His Spirit's conviction unto repentance and deliverance unto walking more closely with Christ.

Sin is so deceitful, yes. Promising no ill will occur, if just "one little bit" is indulged. And again and again, then unto desensitization--hardening of heart to the deceitfulness of sin, unto a calloused conscience. And the reverse process is again and again like have once-cauterized nerves spring back to life. Painful. There's grief. Despairing of my own wickedness. But being turned toward Christ in the midst of that process, to again fall at the foot of the cross seeking mercy. And being all the more devastated by the reality of His encompassing grace and love. Unworthy. So unworthy. As we all are.

And yet He has had mercy.

So when and where I would judge, Lord let it be with righteous judgment--knowing all the while that Your Word is every bit the aptest judge of me as of us all. Remind us, Lord, that we are all on the same level, none exalted or debased--each need forgiveness, need Your mercy as having each sinned grievously against You. Father help us also to know desperation when seeing others next to us who remain under your wrath, as we know the truth that You have made a way for us to be forgiven in Jesus Christ--in holy desperation unto You, as loving You and loving them, give us the boldness and loving speech to plead truth with them as Your ambassadors. Help us, that we would know all the while we are not pleading any cause other than the very one which we also daily need reminder, being likewise dependent recipients of Your grace, truly at Your mercy. Help us Father to be burdened to extend the mercies which have been lavished upon us to those others whom You have placed us near. Father, remind us above all of Your Son. Help us ever to see Him more clearly, to treasure Him more wholeheartedly, and to give ourselves ever more truly to trusting Him and walking in closer fellowship with Him by Your blessed Holy Spirit, ever reveling in Your Word and treasuring those blessed Scriptures in our heart.

The Grief of Pleading

Again and again, there have been instances of pleading Christ with others to no response. To reviling, to mockery, once to brief assault, and often to total insensate apathy.

I am reminded, yet, that I err so grievously myself, again and again. As though it makes a difference to the truth of who Christ is that I am a wretch (and very much more than most, apart from God's deliverance). And yet He has had mercy upon me. Even me. He has condescended to allow me the grace of seeing any vital aspect of the horror of my sin and vast, consuming righteousness of His wrath upon it...yet borne by Christ Himself, God incarnate, that I could be redeemed. What a wretched matter it is, then, to ever sin. So, I despair of that, but in light of remembering that His work is not finished.

And all the more to be driven to despair over the plight of many who refuse Him still, for the sake of whatsoever else would seem desirable, besides. Oh, just to remove the blinders for a moment! That some small sliver of realization of the magnitude of who Jesus is and what He has done would get through! In context also of a draught deep of realizing the absolute horror of what it is that we have done by turning even away from the Almighty God, the Great Creator and Sustainer of our every being! Such a One who is love, and who alone is good!

But our hearts are dull.

Even mine so much moreso than ought. Too busy frittering away time in puerile amusements like social media--which, though a minor redemption may be had of studying Biblically founded articles thereby...then still, how much more fulfilling to have given that time to poring over the Word of God, itself?

With commentaries, interlinear translations & lexicons, parallel translations, or what have you...as sides. Yet with the core of focus His very Word?

So much more delightful, on the whole. For a heart more wholly given over to delighting in Him.

Yet the deceitfulness of sin is unto blindness. A heart which is insensate to the glory of God in Christ, preferring its own contractions.

We are all so blind, on this count. Again and again. So wracked with fear and confusion. Deceived and being deceived.

Except for grace.

Were He not long-suffering and merciful, we would all be consumed. For He is a consuming fire, this God of the universe which is the only god.

None other. One creator. One sustainer. One being. And yet...three persons in His one being. Father, Son, Spirit.

Incomprehensible to a degree. Which, if He were able to be grasped by us...then He would be less than beyond us.

His glory is infinite and will endure forever. His Word is purer than all things. And true. And life is in Him. Should we come to Him, at least.

And lay all else aside.

The grief of pleading upon deaf ears is beyond bearing. But He is the strength to continue. He is the strength to yet rejoice. In Him, that is. In knowing He will be glorified. In knowing His ways, though beyond comprehending, are utterly and wholly good. And His will will be fulfilled.

All these things, so much more.

There are not words sufficient to ring His praise. They fall flat in attempt. The highest praise and honor are due Him, and yet they cannot aspire unto Him. For He is so far beyond all, nothing can approach.

Though everything subsists in Him.

To plead of Him, then, is to plead of the resplendent light and joy of warm summer mornings to those who live in dank caves, subterranean, having no taste nor craving for else.

Except that the very One who has breathed the breath of life into our race should bow to again breathe life, by His Spirit, into each one...

...none will come.

And yet, despite the grief of pleading the joy and glory of all Hope, incarnate...unto the perishing, beloved sat beside...insensate and bent on refraining from Him...

...then, still, there is a sweet solace in turning to the One who died to redeem us, knowing that for Him this all is so much more keen. And for Him, nothing is impossible.

The dead do yet hear His voice. When their Shepherd speaks, they rise. They come.

So, as it was written,

7Therefore, just as the Holy Spirit says,
            “TODAY IF YOU HEAR HIS VOICE,

      8DO NOT HARDEN YOUR HEARTS AS WHEN THEY PROVOKED ME,
            AS IN THE DAY OF TRIAL IN THE WILDERNESS,

      9WHERE YOUR FATHERS TRIED Me BY TESTING Me,
            AND SAW MY WORKS FOR FORTY YEARS.

      10“THEREFORE I WAS ANGRY WITH THIS GENERATION,
            AND SAID, ‘THEY ALWAYS GO ASTRAY IN THEIR HEART,
            AND THEY DID NOT KNOW MY WAYS’;

      11AS I SWORE IN MY WRATH,
            ‘THEY SHALL NOT ENTER MY REST.’”

      12Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God. 13But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. 14For we have become partakers of Christ, if we hold fast the beginning of our assurance firm until the end,

15while it is said,
            “TODAY IF YOU HEAR HIS VOICE,
            DO NOT HARDEN YOUR HEARTS, AS WHEN THEY PROVOKED ME.”

16For who provoked Him when they had heard? Indeed, did not all those who came out of Egypt led by Moses? 17And with whom was He angry for forty years? Was it not with those who sinned, whose bodies fell in the wilderness?18And to whom did He swear that they would not enter His rest, but to those who were disobedient? 19So we see that they were not able to enter because of unbelief.

Which Gospel?

This will be very brief, most likely. So much going on. My computer has been (largely) out of commission for nearly three months. Other means of connecting have not been conducive to visiting here--not enough quiet or difficulty typing or whatever other at-that-moment reason sufficed to deter.

Regardless, there's been such a flurry of activity and distraction that the Lord has not turned thoughts and heart here apart from remembering times of reflecting upon Him and what He's been teaching (in this space, the reflections) with some amount of longing.

There are so many things over the course of my tenure in this space which haven't been broached, of the weightier matters taking place. And what bits of the weightier and more grievous or provoking experiences there has been discussion regarding, the disclosure has still generally been fairly non-forthright. Apart from flagrantly expressed distress regarding "Word of Faith" and "Prosperity Gospel"-teachings, granted.

Or...at least it feels this way, so much of the time. As though the parts of this battle which are most arduous and painful are too difficult being borne to bear display, openly, apart from to Christ, Himself. Oftentimes without words, for the sheer brunt of grief, dismay, perturbation, befuddlement, or whatever else likewise, as is the case while being utterly overwhelmed in the battle.

But that seems appropriate, all in all--not to disclose the specifics, often.

As much as this place has been a venue for discussing some particular matters fairly openly, the point is to discuss what the Lord has done to preserve, have mercy upon, or deliver me. This is a place for testimony, in terms of what I've come to understand of Him and His Word, and whatsoever else related. And to a lesser extent be about discussing myself.

There's no profit in knowing me, is the point. The profit to us all is in knowing Christ. And coming to know Him more deeply, and understanding Him more plainly, and to see what is the grace of God toward us in Christ Jesus. That we would be steadfast and rejoice in Him in the midst of all adversity--whether physical, mental, financial, social, economical (socially), or howsoever else we find ourselves struggling against the temptation to despair rather than to remain steadfastly fixed upon our Hope and Redeemer (and fixed upon the opportunity to share of Him with others--both believing and unbelieving, as we all need continual exposure to the Truth to redeem our souls, lives, hearts, minds, and time).

In the midst of decrying that which is a snare (or a potential snare), especially, there comes a point of fixation which turns more toward philosophizing and justification of ideology to a degree which increasingly exhibits a lack of utmost focus upon Christ, Himself, and the work He has done and is doing.

Self-exaltation is very nefarious, insidious, and pervasive, in other words. Coming in under the guise of exalting truth, even. Same as any of the snares which Paul warned of in the epistles. And Jesus, Himself, also disclosed that many would be deceived--even the elect, if it were possible--in end days. Which...we've been in the end times since Christ came incarnate, crucified, and resurrected.

There are just a couple of "gospels" which have been disturbing, recently--gospel of social justice (which apparently has been addressed publicly in a couple of places, within recent time), and gospel of self (empowerment or improvement, especially).

Jesus came to save the lost--sinners like you and me. He came to draw us to Himself, that we would be redeemed through Him upon some realization of the wrath which rightly rests upon us apart from Him. This primarily then, is between God and man. Not man and man. So, though social justice is something He would certainly direct us to pursue--this, still, with realization that the cause of injustice is departure from God, which can only be truly addressed by a redirection to God unto reconciliation. The Gospel of Christ. Not of works.

He'll lead where we do need to intervene. But if we are to look to Christ Jesus, Himself, and His apostles for some indication of how we are to interact with this broken world, we can clearly see that speaking truth in love--presenting the gospel of mankind's damnation, God's mercy, and our redemption through Christ's incarnation, atoning death, and evidentiary resurrection and ascension. This isn't just going around a saying, "This belief which you have about the lives of others is wrong and shouldn't be perpetuated, and the harm being done to others must stop." No, it's starting at the point of discussing each and everyone one of our standing in the presence of an omnipresent and omniscient, Holy God who is our Creator, King, and Judge. Fear of God is the beginning of knowledge. And of wisdom.

Likewise, of the idea that "self-betterment" or "self-fulfillment" or "self-empowerment" or "self-whatever" somehow is what our need happens to be. The Scriptures are replete with discussions of what will come for those who do indeed have "their best life now," rather than in eternity. It's a fearsome and terrible thing to fall into the hands of a living God. So every bit as much as we know that we've each been knit lovingly together--each part of our personality know and indicated--by a Creator who has invested Himself in granting us mercy to the extent of having borne our deserved retributions as that we would not have to so long as we humble ourselves in honest appraisal of our need for mercy, turning to Him to thus receive the mercy extended through the death and life of the Son of God... ...every bit as much as we know that this very One is He who loves us and knows us intimately, then too, if we are honest with ourselves about what His Word indicates about the truth of our fallen state..? We know our need isn't to be built up in ourselves but just as with John the Baptist, we may know our need to increasingly decrease that Christ would increase--in us and through us. This isn't self-building. It's death to self. Self-mortification. On the cross we take up when we follow Jesus.

I fail at this. We all do, apart from His Spirit. All the more need to cry out for mercies, anew, and to rest in grateful remembrance at His feet, daily remembering and walking in the light of His faithfulness.

These are a couple the things, of late.

But again, as not terribly long ago discussed--there are some matters which seem so innocuous and superficially even beneficial that except for truly considering each point in the reflection of the light of the grace of God in the face of Christ Jesus, who came and died for us--giving Himself as a sacrifice to atone for our sins. And that as we come to Him, we may be even given life eternal. Lesser things all pale when considered truly in context of the Gospel of Christ.

May we ever be reminded of Him who loved us and gave Himself for us.

Soon again, Lord willing, here.

1 Timothy 2: Thoughts

Discussion tonight, of 1 Timothy 2. And I sincerely doubt there will be much time given to writing this evening, for so many reasons...but the nature of thoughts regarding particular facets of the matter latterly discussed in that chapter..

...have been much on my heart.

Why does it rankle so much, to submit to authority? Because, quite frankly, that's not a matter restricted to women. I've been recently grieved in interactions with a coworker, for his statements of utter defiance against all authority--grieved at what this indicates of the depth of his deception and distance from God, as gladly defiant against Him. So very lost. And glib.

Same as I had been, at various points.

But the notion of women submitting to the God-given authority of men, taken specifically in context of marriage and within the church as being an archetype of the church's submission to Christ--of all our needful submission to God's own authority?

This isn't a small matter. Not to be taken lightly.

And coming from where I've come, by God's grace at work in my life and heart, I've run the gamut of resentments against and rationalizations counter to submission as a woman--particularly as restricts against teaching and being in leadership over men. As such, I'm familiar with many (though surely not all) common "reasons" for the pushback.

For one, I had a personal stake in believing otherwise--to do so undermines the desire to exalt my mother's memory, as beyond at least particular sorts of reproach. She was an ordained lay-minister in the Methodist Church and was given pastorate of three churches. Up until the time of her suicide, in 2007, she pastored these churches. Perhaps 10 years. Begun after my father left her. Or left us, I suppose. Just me and my mom. My sisters were in cahoots with him. My youngest sibling was dragged along with them--we'd just returned home from my high school graduation ceremony. My brother was completely side-lined and so were my mom and I. But my sisters immediately began tossing my brother's clothing in a bag, while my dad outlined to my mom and me the terms of his separation having been completed and the divorce paperwork being processed for delivery at her workplace tomorrow.

After this, or maybe it was in the midst just prior, she pursued ordination.

To consider that we, as women, as called not to preside over men, called not to teach them...pains my recollection of her. I don't want to think of her as being in blatant defiance of the very Word she set out to teach and preach.

And built upon that, upon initially coming to know Christ I also fancied myself destined for being in the spotlight. And I've been tempted many times to exalt myself, quite frankly--again and again, in particular churches, there's always come a point of realizing that if I proceed along a course that is agreeable to those around me...they had begun and would continue esteeming me ever more highly in their ranks. And in particular of these such places, there seemed acceptance of women as preachers and pastors and leaders. Or at least as prophets and apostles.

For a very brief period of time, I wanted to be the next Kathryn Kuhlman, thinking that course and public esteem in the eyes of the world was what God's very will would be for those who love Him and seek Him with utmost diligence. As though, if I served and sought most ardently, then I naturally would end up in a public position of esteem, like many of the preachers I then revered most highly espoused and taught...providing themselves as examples.

But the problem with all that was and is that I did continue to seek Him. And continued to pore over His Word, as Living Water to a thirsty soul. And continued to spend time alone with Him, at length, desiring to know and understand Him. All, by grace. And the more I came to know Him, the more I came to receive light from His Word, the more I realized that all these things are diametrically in opposition to what He actually has said will be the case for those who are His disciples--for those who love Him, who know Him, and who seek to learn from Him, by grace of His Holy Spirit led along the while.

In this world we'll have troubles, He said. Period. But we're to take heart because He's overcome. Period. Not because we'll gain dominion over all the realms of the earth and attain all wealth so as to prepare the way for His return to reigh, no.

But we'll have trouble. But we can rest assured, if we know Him, because He's overcome.

And at that point, there's need to look at what that entailed.

He set aside His glory for a time, to walk amongst us as a servant. God Incarnate--He who deserves all obeisance and praise--walked as one with no place to lay His head, demanding nothing for Himself. But deferring always to the Father. Doing only what was given unto Him by the Father. Walking in complete submission, perfect obedience. Perfected...most exquisitely exemplified...in His suffering the shameful death of the cross. God's wrath poured out on Him--the only one of any of us who could never deserve wrath or punishment, took it all on Himself anyway. Willingly. So that justice could be satisfied where a debt is owed, but being willingly paid by one who did not Himself owe it in order to extend mercy to those who do not deserve it.

He submitted to all that.

Jesus Christ, our God and brother. Redeemer king.

As the point of Jesus's own submission was brought up by one of the church elders tonight, I have indeed grasped a larger picture of this in terms of what it means to be a representative member of His own body who is ordained to present that image to the world. The rightful submission to authority, quietly and graciously, gladly choosing to enter into right relationship with creation's authority structure.

Same as we are all called to submit to God, then as women are called to submit to church leaders and to husbands, we are presenting the world with a portrait image of what it is that all creation does submit to He who spoke it into being. And that the precious bride of Christ--for whom He set aside His own glory, becoming a suffering servant so to save--defers gladly and lovingly to Him, who purchased our love and deliverance with His own lifeblood.

These aren't small matters. That the world would see that there is a goodness in submission? This is a high calling, still, same as is leadership.

And then, there's the matter of what godly leadership is to entail. From what I've been told this evening, the ordained intent for men to care for the earth was one of protection. Not forcible subjugation.

On this front, the desire not to submit arises out of a multifaceted fear. Having long been the recipient of many abuses, I had long believed self-exaltation was an unavoidable necessity in order to preserve my life and make my way in the world. I have had no protector, aside of God. And I did not turn to Him for protection--instead, I spurned and resented His "interference" in my life. Until relatively recently (four and a half years). So I spent the majority of my life in positions of vulnerability and abuse, coping by the means which I considered to be the only viable ones at any given instance--basically, whatever got me through yet did not entail turning to God (except for while falling of the balcony--He stripped away all delusions of being able to help myself, in that instance, and so I did call on Him).

By and large, there seems to be a lot more abuse in the world than protection:
We tend to commoditize one another--people viewed as means to ends rather than as precious image-bearers for whom Christ died, whom He loves, and who need Him desperately.
Self-indulgence, as such, prevents compassion to the extent present--we can't simultaneously be self-consumed and sincerely moved by the plight of another. These are experiences in opposition to one another.

And that point could be belabored for a while, but enough.

The problem is the response to abuse, wherever turning to God for aid and strength and whatever else He, in His wisdom, would grant--at least His peace...wherever that doesn't happen, the turning which occurs as response is thus away from God. In my own experience, the extent of the initial travesty was unto a likewise extent of turning to depravity to compensate...since I didn't turn to God, I turned all the more violently away from Him.

We're designed to act and interact and respond to what we experience, is the thing. Wherever there's an action, there's a reaction--a principle not restricted to physics. So sin unto me affected me and as I didn't turn to the only one who could deal with it, I turned away from Him instead, under force of doing something to deal. I chose the path which required less confrontation with reality, as another way of putting it. Problem is, that made problems so much worse.

Along these same lines, I'm considering that as someone who wasn't and hasn't been protected, long after the initial grief and pain are numbed, I eventually succumbed to the worldly proposition of self-preservation by whatever means necessary. I'm grateful I was preserved, yes, but am grieved to reflect on many of the things I chose instead of God's grace. Each made the pain worse, ultimately, each drove me further from ability to cope with reality on the whole. Each left me just slightly more callous and cold to the actual plight of others. And along the course of the way, self-preservation morphed into self-exaltation more blatantly--seeking esteem, loving the praise of others, wanting to be noticed, and so on.

Coming to Christ, though, one of the hard matters to come to terms with has been the idea that I don't defend myself. Doesn't mean I willfully place myself in dangerous and abusive situations, in order to "die for a cause"--emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically... No, doesn't mean that. But it does mean that where Jesus leads me, I follow and defer foremost to Him. And where there's been abuse, I defer to Him in love and grief, praying and trusting He will line things out in His own time.

I don't have to defend myself, and am called not to do so. And I don't have to preserve myself either, then.

The prevalent notion that if we don't assert our own rights, we'll be trampled on?...which drives us all to strive to assert ourselves more boldly in instances where "we have the right?" That's not of God.

And I err on that so frequently still--particularly driving, where there's law involved and also laws governing right-of-way and where refraining from endeavoring right-of-way when it's appropriate...reinforces illegal and dangerous behavior? It's difficult not to be excessively assertive. As an extreme alternate example, though, is the compulsion to stop in the middle of the road when traffic is flowing in order to let someone else immediately onto the road rather than allowing them to wait (even if impatiently). This latter is dangerous, too. And illegal, to some degree--obstructing the flow of traffic isn't supposed to be arbitrarily done, as accidents happen. So, all the more unreasonable when the whole situation is a matter of assisting someone indulging impatience or anxiety.

Just to say that there is authority over all these matters, and it's only by deferring to Christ that we can actively and continually do what's right and most loving in each instance. And sometimes that may entail abuse. But that's a completely different matter from actively, willfully seeking it out in ways which can harm self and others. Because that latter example of the traffic...while it may seem kind to the extreme, it effectively endangers many people potentially thereafter as well--including the person permitted to abruptly defy order, as there might become a sense of entitlement to do so which thereafter results in harm.

Any way. The whole idea of this latter contemplation of protection being men's calling and submission women's is that it's a scary thing to be so vulnerable to someone else. Especially when the potential for harm is known. And all the more when abuse is blatant, continual.

But I don't believe that lets us off the hook, as far as remaining submissive to the ordained authority paradigm--this, coming from someone who has been in many abusive situations and relationships. However...that doesn't mean silence, either. Doesn't mean refraining from getting out of the line of fire, as the Lord gives peace to do so. Life is precious, after all. And a gift to be cherished.

But in the right context, with the right leadership, submitting to authority can be a portrait to the world of the worthiness of God, the joy of Christ's love, and the blessedness of being cherished and safeguarded as one who is precious. I know this, from knowing Christ.

And from being kept by Him.

Just...where there's an abuse of leadership, sin turns to self-exaltation. Because otherwise, we have to submit to God and trust Him to deal with the things.

There's so much brokenness. So many things are not as they ought to be, due to sin's workings. Abuse should not happen. But neither should defiance of authority. And of the sins, that is what came first.

The deceitfulness of sin, enticing us to exalt ourselves and our own understanding--enticing us to defy God. Then isn't the way to evade temptation to submit to God? How much more a grace to be called continually to submit, to be that much nearer to deliverance all the day.

Vision Casting as Acceptable Christian Witchcraft?: Considering Fruits & Roots of Carnal Ecumenicalism

I am going to continue to pray about this, for sake of further clarity regarding God's word on the matter. But coming from 20 years of being steeped in occult, esoteric knowledge and practice--20 years of honing witchcraft, ignorantly "pursuing God according to my own understanding" (thus rejecting Him out-of-hand by refusing to meet on His explicitly revealed terms)?...hearing about people casting and catching visions is a walk back through that particular flavor of deviance.

Because that concept constitutes the underpinning premise of much of witchcraft: You pick something to focus on, build up increasingly clear and concerted definition of that desire, and increasingly hone your will for it to manifest--whether as an individual or a group. Putting this sort of effort into practice alongside a few Bible verses and prayers doesn't alter the fact that the whole process defies even a pretense of submission to God and submission to His intimate, Scripture concording guidance.

The entire idea of "casting visions" ultimately refers to reliance on human reasoning, no matter how "theologically informed" that reasoning might conceive itself to be: The fundamental premise is one wherein one's own understanding of matters and of needs is considered sufficient to aptly conceive of and manifest whatever's determined appropriately desirable.

I've yet to hear anyone cite "casting a vision" wherein people grasp deeper knowledge of the truth of their sinfulness and the exceeding enormity of God's grace in Christ, as unto a more wholehearted and utter despair of self and submission to Him in repentance. No, there's usually something about "casting vision" which seems--on the surface and according to societal norms--"good" and "personally or societally beneficial." Freedom, maybe. Or...dominion. Or...even saying repentance, but meaning something different than coming to Christ and submitting to Him and His Word, deferentially.

"Good" intentions which don't lead us lovingly and straight to the foot of the cross, speaking truth with compassion and like-minded contrition of awareness of each our need for mercies untold, though...?

Those are not quite good, at the very heart of the matter. And that's what makes the difference, where the same terms are increasingly used for differing matters.

God, alone, is good. What He wills, alone, is good. Deferring to Him is the only way, then.

We are defiant and fickle, apart from deference to Him. Our very best guess at what is good for one another--unless it be solely informed by a right, Holy Spirit interpreted assessment of Scripture--is just going to miss the mark, in some fashion or other. Which is only unto further consequence. Because sin always yields consequence...breaking things has a way of breaking things.

Likewise, the idea that there will never be a point necessitating separation from intimate fellowship with others if only others profess "Christianity" is entirely unscriptural. "Setting aside differences, for the sake of just agreeing on Jesus"...if that were all it truly were, would be something else entirely. But, it's not what it seems. It's a gradual decline to eventually "embracing all faith traditions as equally valid." That's where it goes. Because we can agree to disagree, yes, but that does not mean someone isn't wrong. And pretending otherwise isn't loving, given the consequences due to each and every one of us who contemns Christ by refusing to defer to Him and plead for His offered  forgiveness and mercy.

Jesus outlined a matter of difference in relations between reconciled and unreconciled, recorded as Matthew 18:15-17, specifically in context of directing us to lovingly plead with one another against sin. And Paul called specific people out as being given over to Satan, even, in context of having abandoned a right deference and submission to the truth--abandoning, making shipwreck of faith in God. And Paul's statements weren't malicious, but only a statement of fact which serves as a warning to us all. And we can know Paul's words weren't coming from a place of contempt and malice, given what has also been recorded of the fruits of the Holy Spirit at work in Paul as unto inspired writings preserved by God for His purposes. And given that we've been instructed to put away such things.

We have many warnings, is all. Many. Many dire admonitions, also, specifically not to be deceived. Direly warned that even the very elect would be deceived, if possible (Matthew 24:24). This isn't a small thing. And I'm reminded now of what was said nearing the end of CCEF conference a couple weeks ago: when we read warnings in the Bible, we are in danger if we think or attempt to convince ourselves they aren't for us.

As a means of stressing that point, the fellow speaking told of a time when he was working a locked floor in a hospital where fire alarms were routinely, falsely tripped by residents. One day he heard an alarm and just decided it must be another false one. He decided against being inconvenienced by the warning, decided it didn't mean anything for him personally, and just continued doing paperwork. Until firemen in full gear came and quickly ushered him out of harm's way, during which time he encountered smoke and knew the fear of realizing how utterly foolish he had been.

In a similar fashion, we all tend to become accustomed to rationalizing away the dangers of this world--the pitfalls of our own shortcomings and tendency to falter to temptation (conceived of our own lusts, even). And this, in regard to our faith. Not in terms of threats to body--vast as those are, yes. Rather, real threat to our faith is daily encountered, unless we actively battle against unbelief and strive to know Him more intimately in spirit and truth. For the deceitfulness of sin is vast. It blinds slowly, very gradually encumbering clarity of heart and mind. Cajoling with a false promise that "just a little won't hurt," or "it's not that big a deal," or "these things aren't problems for me." So many siren songs, yet the result is only the same. Shipwreck.

Such snares are nebulous at outset, in a society where we're vaguely in a state of somnambulance (Eph. 5:14-15) alongside the many who relativize all things unto being equally acceptable, thus equally valid, thus none definitive, so that nothing may be deemed divisive as absolute truth cannot help but to be. Dividing asunder even as between bone and marrow. (Hebrews 4:10-12)

Put another way, in the Western world we inhabit society which professes a need for unity at all costs--deeming all things which seek common or individual "good" to be equally justifiable and equally valid. For the sake of peace. For the sake of bettering the world. For the sake of bettering our societies. For the sake of bettering our communities. For the sake of bettering our families. For the sake of bettering the lives of those who are suffering. For the sake of being better people, ourselves.

Despite that there are inherent contradictions rife on all levels of this stance--being sustained by only a glance toward "entitlements" to fair treatment such as nonetheless simultaneously redefines "fairness" at every turn. All under guise of believing that "if we have equality, then we will have peace and good will come to us in the land." Again purporting that if we are all "treated fairly," then we will all "succeed." But these terms are never fundamentally, thus meaningfully defined. They each change in every given context, depending upon the temperament and priorities and values of the audience. Yet this is never questioned (or, at least, I've yet to hear it done). And this does not work: Pursuing nebulous concepts which have no substantive anchor in reality inherently precludes attainment of meaningful or lasting "good," as none such has actually been agreed upon, effectively. Thus, none such is actually being pursued.

Put another way, slightly--apart from reference and submission to God, all aims are falsely skewed toward further defiance against Him. Which, really, this constitutes the basis of the united front being fostered internationally. Which is inherently skewed unto further falsity, as arising from error at the most fundamental of all levels: a foundational departure from reality cannot but yield to further dissonance throughout a dependent system. Fundamental denial of utmost reality cannot sustain solidarity of purpose, as the foundation upon which any such striving rests is itself truly insubstantial.

If we aren't gathering unto truth, we're scattering from it.

The heart of the matter is that there's resentment of God's sovereignty: much of the age-old desire to be "as" the Creator, to act "as" Him in our own lives and so dictate our own fates. But there's simply no human equality with God. We cannot uncreate and recreate ourselves. We can't be unborn as to designate our own birth. And no matter how deeply we may come to understand His creation and the intricacy of wisdom displayed, resonantly throughout...we cannot become reality's creator.

That's just not a thing. He's the Creator and Owner of us all. Period. He speaks things which are not into being. We simply just can't. Whatever we have, we've received--whether talents, strength, intelligence, loving families, abusive families, disabilities, education, employment, unemployment, and all else. We didn't create ourselves. We didn't create the world we were born into. And we can't dictate our genetic make-up, nor our societal endowments. We aren't the gods of our own fate, nor the determiners of our own future, ultimately. We don't even control our own lives, though we may deceive ourselves very deeply otherwise. He allows us to make decisions. He has endowed us with the ability. Even that...is given, where it does persist. So we also only have limited choices, according to His ordained design and order. And due to the fabric and nature of creation and our Creator, where we do decide we also reap the fruits of our decisions. Whether curses or blessings. Serving God or self. One or the other.

But we'll never be God. We're either slaves to Christ or to sin, then. He is our Creator and our Master, ultimately. And either we submit to Him and continually present ourselves as a living sacrifice or we remain under the wrath we've earned, eternal.

And I know how much the idea of deferring to Christ's rightful Lordship over us rankles the chains of those who still refuse to acknowledge His rightful dominance--that utterly caused me irritation and (more deeply than I even permitted myself to realize, generally) resentment, until He brought me to the point of realizing it was true whether I wanted to accept it or not, and the only difference was which consequences would be borne (here and now as satisfied by Christ, or hereafter and unto eternal hell).

The fleshly spirit which isn't in submission to Him wants to assert its own rights and dominance and capacity for doing right and accomplishing good, all by its own interpretation and means, is all. Sometimes though that is presented under false pretense of striving to please Him. Problem is, without faith we can't please Him. Period.

No matter what we might try. Scripture attests that as being impossible.

And if we don't even know or acknowledge who and how He is, we really are in a position of being unable to honor Him--faith entails rightly knowing and acting in accordance with submission to the knowledge that He's God and we're not. Faith sees the truth of His rightful sovereignty and thus repents in dust and ashes, for also seeing the travesty and tragedy of sin. Faith entails rightly assessing reality and truth. A valid faith perforce thus acts upon truth. So, if we aren't honoring Christ as God and Master in our hearts' desires and intentions and our actions----we don't possess faith. Instead, we pursue idols.

And this is all not nearly as precisely relayed as I would deeply desire, but the thread of reasoning is here, nonetheless. I'm just despairing in the Lord's direction over these matters, for love of the church and for love of God. I am sincerely hoping and praying for His mercy for us all--myself much included, as I have no idea how to proceed or what to do except pray and wait and trust He'll guide.

These types of idols are utterly beguiling, is all: To "please Him" by "walking in the authority and power He has given?" To "please Him" by "believing who we are, and acting like it?" To "please Him" by "doing what He called us to do?" All of it presents a vague, overarching sound of seeming legitimacy. Who among us who seeks Christ and wants His forgiveness would not want to please God? And who among us who actually loves Christ doesn't want to please Him?

But...there's a sort of shifty guilt as an implicit motivating factor--guilt, in that the inherent implication is that if we otherwise do less than or otherwise than these things we are "letting God down, since we're not doing what He wants us to do by using the gifts He's given and also walking in the authority He wants us to have." But God isn't a manipulator. Jesus is our righteousness. Period. What the Father has ordered is that we believe on/in/unto the One He sent. And love God with everything we are, also loving others as ourselves. If Christ Himself did only as the Father presented to Him, why would we do other than just...be led by His Spirit, deferentially and as continually seeking Him in Scripture?

He doesn't have to make empty promises and wheedle people into doing what He would have them do, is all. He's not a petulant overseer who's disappointed but resigned to just bear with us sadly, when we don't "live up to our potential." He prepared good works for us beforehand, that we would walk in them. As we complete the sufferings of Christ. For our God is one who has bled and died for us on a cross--becoming a curse for us, so that we might be forgiven for the very sins which are due the very wrath He drank to the dregs for us. Our God walked amongst us as a servant--a suffering and despised servant whom we crucified. Our God wept when He encountered the death of others, and wept when He was faced with enduring our due wrath and suffering and rejection and shame and pain and torture and death, though being the very God of life. Our God--the author and sustainer of life--died. So that He also would overcome death. So that by His self-sacrificial death we would be redeemed, and through His resurrection we stand justified.

Sometimes only by looking full on the truth of what Christ has done and who He is does the strangeness of other doctrines become apparent when there's "seeming goodness" inherent those doctrines.

All the more to remember that the God of all Creation--Christ Jesus, our Savior and King--assured us we must take up our own cross in this world, if we are going to follow Him. He also assured us that we would not be greater than Him--we will not be exempt from His sufferings, if we are His (one of two options--His or not--He delineated and defined these categories)--for the servant isn't greater than the Master, as the student is not greater than the Teacher.

He assured us we will have trouble in the world, if we are His. But He also assured us that we need not be concerned, because He has overcome the world. And He reigns, now. Though things haven't all been wholly brought into subjection, as of yet. Though the kingdom is coming, even now, in those who are His.

Just as He said, for we can do nothing apart from Him. Like as He didn't do anything apart from the Father, yes? So, either we must abide in the True Vine or be cut off from Him. These are the only options.

So I'm not sure where the good news is, in this:  thinking we have to save the world and/or take possession of it, ourselves, because we have power? As I've read, we've been told to expect rejection and persecution, instead of victorious dominion on this earth (until He returns, at least)--such that the best-case scenario is to walk in such a way that there's not knowing offense come through us, and as that we do such good that people who despise us and God will nonetheless give glory to God due to our lives. We walk as strangers, sojourners, and the despised of the world if we are Christ's. And of this lattermost though, I see good news: Being Christ's, being forgiven sin and imputed His righteousness. So that even enduring rejection and pain and suffering in this life will work a greater glory, in eternity. Such that the joy of His fellowship now persists in the midst of sufferings, and His guidance is steadfast and ongoing. His Spirit leads, as the flesh is put to death. Walk by the Spirit and you will not fulfill the deeds of the flesh, perhaps? Even as those who are led by the Spirit of God are adopted. Sons of God. By His stripes, we're healed--righteousness which isn't our own is given to us, so that we are made accepted and acceptable in the Beloved. This pleased God. And the glory of His grace will be praised.

So, then--by what means and on what grounds ought we contrive to figure out ways to unite society and overcome adversity and squelch poverty and suffering? Jesus grieved these things, yes. And if we love Him and love one another so shall we... But if we know Him, we know that He is the one--the only one--who can or will right these travesties of brokenness. And, further, if we know Him well enough even as to know ourselves to some extent truthfully, we'll know we don't even fathom the depths of the darkness in our own hearts. So, too, we'll be increasingly humbled to realize that similarly as we aren't capable of even knowing ourselves except for by His light, how much less are we capable to know--independent of deference to Him--the means by which to "heal" others and the world?

Put another way, we cannot heal ourselves, how then are we undertaking by our own understanding to heal the church, society, the world?

All to say--as best I know from Scripture and from knowing Christ and walking with Him step by step (I should be dead so many times over--He has been very merciful again and again, and increasingly to my awareness is this so)--no matter how good our intentions, we haven't any righteousness which is truly beneficial, apart from submitting to God's leading.

Which...isn't to say that we do absolutely nothing and stop caring and serving and interaction. He doesn't lead that way. Antichrists, however, do. But not Christ, Himself: He leads to selfless devotion to whatever is placed before us, for the sake of love and the love of truth: For the love of God and man. Counting others far more worthy than ourselves, we will press in to Christ so to serve more selflessly and more wholeheartedly, knowing we cannot do so otherwise.

All of which runs counter to fleshly reason, is the reason--the carnal mind is enmity against God. Such as requires death to one's own sense of independent capacity, significance, understanding, righteousness, and justification--incrementally accomplished by God's merciful interventions in our hearts as we draw nearer to Him. For when we deeply believe we comprehensively know things, we are seeing all so much more only the smallest part of reality. (1 Cor 8:2). ...or otherwise, we would yet realize something about how little we actually know, because of understanding some honest degree of the exceeding further greatness and incomprehensibility of God's own wisdom.

Thus we are better suited to defer to the One who knows all. Let Him lead. Seek that He will do so. Plead that He will. Rather than dredging up ideas which seem righteous and profitable, and mindlessly attempting to spread them. (Just to consider: Prov. 16:25, Prov. 19:21, Prov. 21:2, Prov. 24:12) Because the problem isn't a desire to "do good"--the problem is that our very ability to actually "do good" necessarily is solely predicated upon an actual deference to that which is Good. To Him who is good. Our best intentions are otherwise unavoidably deviant, as it goes.

He does lead us to serve others, though--just to note again, this isn't exempted. There will be widows comforted, homeless clothed, orphans adopted, and the starving will be fed. We will desire justice and mercy. And will lament lack. Just...not on the sole basis of our own understanding of what's right and good, rather as a deferent, manifest worship of Christ and love of Him overflowing unto love of others.

All of which is not to say that He doesn't ever work via self-serving, self-gratifying acts endeavoring mercy. He's so gracious that the sun shines on the righteous and the evil and rain falls on the wicked and the just. He is very merciful.

Something that I'm driving at is just of the nature that there's a type of purported kindness and love and peace which is common today which forsakes and abnegates truth for the sake of "brotherhood," and "kindness," yet there's something of what's at the heart of these which is also at the heart of this other: Idolatry, of each, yes. There's something specific regarding perhaps an unspoken agreement amongst many to worship one another?--as: "so long as we each remain accommodating to the unstated agreement to worship one another at least by refraining from questioning one another's beliefs, then no dissent against one another from outsiders will be granted credence." It's a solidarity, of sorts, but with a faulty foundation. There's false peace, then. A false love. Allotting false hope. And preserving hollow joy. Part of this all arises from and remains concentric about the sheer refusal to define terms of interaction and intent--so long as there's an element of the nebulous, then truth can be "accommodated" and deviance "denied."

Casting visions and seeking to establish and maintain a unity which forsakes truth...all arise from departure from an  actual submission to God which yields unto striving to intimately know Him and serve Him foremost as life's intent and core desire. But we need His help, even for this. Period. Just as we need to know Him, we need His help as to do so--His Word grafted on our hearts by the Holy Spirit, yet we need His Spirit to reveal Him per His Word. That has to be the foremost cry of our hearts, always--to walk in step with Him and know Him ever more deeply. By His Word. For otherwise, we're actively stepping further into distraction, unto delusions.

Jesus pleaded with the Pharisees, regarding thinking they had life in the Scriptures without ever actually coming to Him: He's a person. A living God. Active. Period. So we can come to Him, or continue to do things our own way. Not an option to do both--mutually exclusive. (John 5:39-40)

All of which to say that if we're not actively directing ourselves and one another unto Christ, we're directing away from Him. Which latter...is neither loving nor good.

Such is the flesh and the spirit of man that if we aren't actively bringing all things into subjection to the truth of God's sovereignty and presentient mind...we are actively forgetting His wisdom exceeds our own, beyond measure. So, yeah. Let's not cast visions, please? He's merciful, but we're better not to test Him.

Lets turn our eyes to Jesus, instead. And not to a "vision" of Him, even, but to an increasing consideration of all He's revealed in Scripture, so as to know Him more accurately in spirit and truth. May we desire Him above all things, else. (1 Tim. 1:5) Let us turn to Christ.

Various Thoughts on Emotional/Mental Healing

Wow. I am just so overwhelmed by the Lord's mercies, right now. There's still so much brokenness and chaos in my life and self and relationships right now, but there's healing too. And I keep being utterly taken aback by the realization that I really had not believed that healing was possible. 

And I don't mean that in a blatant, defiant sense--as though I had considered the possibility of healing and discounted it as unavailable and improbable. But, rather, that I had been living and comporting myself and considering reality in such a way that I had been utterly blind to the brokenness, having been long accustomed to living by means of adaptation and adoption of unconscious coping strategies. To the exclusion of awareness of the pains, having long been accustomed to their presence.

You cannot put faith in what you refrain from acknowledging, put another way. So, as such, I did not believe in the possibility of healing. Emotionally. And mentally. And physically, to a much lesser extent. ..as physical pains are all the more lingering, in consciousness.

As the Lord seems often wont to relay via multiple, parallel means...to put another way, I have also experienced recognition of awareness of the extent of physical healing recently, too. Which has and does reinforce the emotional and mental healing also become recognized.

Of the physical, I was utterly and unexpectedly caught by surprise in realizing a pain I'd been long accustomed to enduring and accommodating for...is no longer present. I am still taken aback by this to such an extent that I'm confused by the absence and keep altering my posture to the prior accommodations for pain.

I'd visited a friend whom I'd used to visit weekly, last Wednesday--for the first time in many months. And twice got up from the chair I was sitting in, to walk across the room. Each time, I caught myself rigidly holding my spine in a contorted fashion--marginally consciously aware of the expectation of pain regardless the stance...and that's when I realized what I was doing, because I found myself unexpectedly shocked each time. Because the pain did not come. And I hadn't known or realized I'd been expecting it, so wholly had I been accustomed to marginalizing, accommodating for, and minimizing its presence.

I didn't realize until being shocked that it didn't come.

Similarly, healing that has been given--emotionally...mentally--has not been expected or believed in because I've been a life-time in practice of actively deluding myself regarding the severity of incapacitation and pains. Largely for having no context by which to otherwise understand, except that which was broken and pain-wracked.

I have been so wrong about so many things. Utterly deluded. And He still hasn't brought me to the end of matters, regarding the extent of my self-delusions.

There's something about experiencing what is right and good and true and well...which provides anchor unto correction. Jesus, Himself, provides means by which to know truth and seek to yield to Him, as unto reconciliation to truth. Which is healing.

And by part and proxy of like mannered things and circumstances and relationships which also are reflection and manifest Him...then there becomes means of knowing what has been wrong per light of experiencing what is right. (Like as per reading Scripture.)

Someday, perhaps, the Lord will afford time here and means for open reflection regarding more of the specifics of some of these matters--the posts of recent have touched on many of these things, now that they no longer hold sway over me and thus can be openly regarded in light of the fact that Jesus has freed me and borne the shame and wrath in my place. For these things are shameful. And deserve wrath, punishment, eternal.

But God...He intervened. He bore my consequences and my shame. That in coming to Him, in submitting to the truth of Jesus Christ's sovereignty and power and forgiveness and mercy...I am free. Free to love Him. Free to love others, as He has loved. Free to be reconciled in body and soul to truth and wellness. Bit by bit. Image to image, glory to glory.

And so, I'm utterly confounded (ie, I don't know what's going to happen, and thus consider myself confused per such awareness as of my lack of foreknowledge). And yet at peace. I trust God. He has been good to me.

...and this next will seem like a completely random change of topic, perhaps, but I'm not going to clarify for the moment...

I don't have to watch movies. I don't have to listen to secular music. I don't have to watch the news. I don't have to participate in politics (though I will pray...and vote for Jesus--though He's already in charge, anyway). I don't have to do the things that will distract me from Him. Including art. Including further schooling. Including music (though I do want to worship more, and that is a blatant avenue of doing so, for me...but...learning instruments is so time consuming, when I could otherwise be devoting the energy and thought toward His Word or writing of His kindness or all so many things). And I'm still uncertain of social media. But that's fine too--the uncertainty, prayerful.

I don't have to do things which make sense to people. I can follow Christ.

And though I equate uncertainty often with being confounded that certain matters which appear so clear to me, in Scripture prayerfully perused and meditated upon at length (though not comprehensively, as that will be an infinite thus eternal thus never completed matter)...being utterly strangely practiced by many...then, still, I don't have to set aside my own convictions for the sake of being more socially acceptable. Not so long as I walk humbly with God, lovingly beside others. Seeking justice, loving mercy, and walking humbly with Him.

Now...there's still brokenness and pain. But I know there's healing. And there's a certain hope which hadn't been present before in the way it is, now. So I long for more healing, for the sake of more wholeheartedly following Christ and glorifying Him without regard for self. I don't know what His will is, with certainty, yet. But I will continue to submit to Him. Because He's my Lord and Master. Amongst many things. And because I trust Him beyond all things else. And whatever He would have for me, I know is good. Whereas also I know that whatever I would choose for myself, apart from submission to Him...is not wholly good.

So I'll trust, too, that He will help me walk in submission on these matters. Because I can't do that, either, apart from His help.

I keep remembering too, something made apparent two years ago. Around the idea of walking on water, convergent with following Him and walking by the Spirit--at the shoreline, the prospect of doing so is not nearly so offensive to fleshly reasoning, because the reality of plunging isn't dire since fleshly abilities are still considered adequate to wade the depths of that terrain. But the further from shore, the more vital to trust Him wholeheartedly (ever more so), as not to plunge into the murky depths of all which would seek to encompass and overwhelm. Being led, then, in circumstances which are utterly foreign except that the One leading knows their height and breadth and depth and width to the measure of all knowing, whole. And His guidance is utterly precise and unerringly wise. No matter the grief or pain endured in the passage, each is unto a weight of glory incomparable with the present sufferings. For we do have that hope: Christ, our God, will be glorified. Period.

So, though I oft and always have been utterly blind on matters romantic...He's restored to me vision. How complete, I have next-to-no idea, for having been prior unaware of even being blind. But enough to know that I just don't know, now. Except to know I need Jesus, first, foremost, and all in all.

I'm not going to try to figure things out, in other words. Because He's helped me know enough to know I'm not truly capable. And I'm strangely okay with that, somehow, but just because I trust the One to whom I defer.

I'm just caught reeling, though. I have been so completely deluded. So completely wrong. Flummoxed at the completeness of delusion. And deeply grateful to be gifted sight, even especially as not having had ample sense as to detect the prior lack. Then, further, utterly uncertain of what to do or how to proceed, being entirely on unfamiliar territory.

I'd once written, years ago--in a blog which I'd deleted shortly after coming to know Christ (of which such there were multiple, each with varying degrees of anonymity and depravity)--of feeling a stranger wandering from my own land into the realms of others, just to bear company for mere moments at a time. Though each time falling short of finding fulfillment, feeling the call of my own realm too powerful once more, despite the relative isolation. Seeking solidarity, yet finding none. Meeting on many grounds, yet never ones familiar or at home. Thus always having to turn back, turn away, for sake of the relative comfort of reclaiming some degree of integrity. For sake of returning to truth which would not bear silence or suffocation. Though alone, seeking solidarity of self if none else. Thus referred to as my own "land."

I'm not going to follow through on completing the thoughts later expressed in that prior posting, except to note that the sum of all those desires were fulfilled in Christ, ultimately. When I came to know Him, myself. And to walk with Him. And I posted that revelation, at length, and left it for a time before doing away with that hollow and strange cavern of mislaid dreams and desires.

But I'm reminded of that, now. Of the desire not to need to forsake truth merely so as to bear companionship. Because the whole point of that passage was just the notion that in order to be alongside others, there seemed again and again requirement to suppress varied aspects of my own reality in order to be acceptable and accepted.

And I had been carrying that same mentality and approach to relationships, still, unbeknownst to me. I am still so confounded by this, and still keep contorting myself back into that same stature, afraid of the pain that will come otherwise.

Yet for the past couple weeks, the pain hasn't come. Instead, there's been peace. And hope and joy. In Christ, my Savior.

What I'm finding though, is that as I straighten, other pains are beginning to cross into awareness. And I haven't idea how to deal with them either. But I know the one who can.

I had no idea healing was even possible. Or so vitally necessary to walking in the light of truth. Surrendering to and submitting to Jesus yields unto freedom from all that ails.

Thoughts on Clarity, Coming to Christ, and Commoditization of the Ineffable

The wonders of His goodness never cease. And may they never grow dim for you, dear friends.

Sin does indeed darken our vision--making our awareness of reality become obscured by the gaudy haze of delusion wrought to even enter willingly into sin as though it could fulfill. We have to entertain and live lies in order to opt for sin, rather than opting for obedience.

And this isn't a matter of rote, mechanical submission. But a matter of delighting in Him, delighting in His law. And not as a matter either of submitting to the Levitical code.

There is a way that seems right to a man which leads unto death. Obedience for the sake of completing a task isn't loving endeavor to please one's Beloved. And we know that the system of law was outlined to be a schoolmaster leading to Christ, whereas the sacrificial system was likewise--as the blood of beasts cannot take away the sin of man. But the sin of our faithful, perfect elder brother and God, Christ...His blood atones. Once, for all.

Yet we have to come to Him. To Him. Not merely and only to His Word, the Scriptures, which speak of Him, testify of Him, and direct us toward Him--we must go to Jesus. Himself. Seeking, asking, knocking. Ongoing. Not a solitary instance of turning, but a reorientation unto Him which ever further  and more completely aligns one unto Him more completely.

Knowing Him. Walking in submission to the truth that He is God, come incarnate, who was born as the Passover Lamb which would take away the sins of the world. And yet for those who don't come to Him, who reject what has been said of Him, and who reject Him and His salvation throughout this life--whether pushing out of mind as to deny need or overtly and consciously rejecting Him?...He said they have already been condemned (John 3:16-18), that their sin remains (John 9:41). He died for the sins of the world, and yet in order to be cleansed and redeemed, we must come to Him in spirit and truth and receive of Him forgiveness and righteousness which isn't our own.

Pondering this just a bit ago, with what limited understanding I have of these things, I was reminded of something learned while studying hospitality management regarding perishable commodities. There are some commodities--like hotel rooms, airplane seats, event seating--which each have perishable states of availability. A room in a hotel for tonight will either be "sold" tonight or it won't--once tonight has passed, the room will never again be able to be "sold" for tonight. Same of an airline ticket for a particular flight, or seating for a scheduled event--once that flight has gone, once that event has taken place, it's not possible for revenue to be gained for that instance of prior availability. Future dates, future events--yes, so long as still in operation. But this is all just to give example of something which is a tangible commodity which has intangible properties related to time and space.

What Jesus has done for us isn't a commodity. Who He is cannot be comprehended utterly. He has given us His Word by which we can come to know Him--seeing of Him, learning of His nature: learning who He is, what He's done, how He's interacted with His creation in the midst of our rebellions and our fidelity. He has revealed His heart to us, and His thoughts, in so much of what He has given. That we may know Him, intimately, by coming to Him via His Word--on His terms, yet in our terms...He has made Himself accessible. And He will give His Spirit, too, that we can understand. And that we can be united to Him, in truth and Spirit.

None of this is precisely quantifiable, though He has distinctly described many of the aspects of the nature of how this passes. Precisely in that it's coming to Jesus Christ, Himself, which makes the difference in being able to know God, period. And not just coming to Him, but coming to Him with a contrite heart, knowing our guilt in the presence of a holy, sovereign God. And further, seeking mercy. Not with a hardened heart.

And this isn't a completed thought right now, but I need to go to sleep. The Lord bless you and help you to seek to know Him more deeply and revel in Him more wholeheartedly. He is good and kind and loving. And He is ever enough. Beyond all imagining.

Submitting to Truth: Knowing Christ

Drawing near to Christ is the only thing. He has been so gracious. I keep wanting to qualify that statement with "over the weekend," when in truth...it's always. Merely, I've been particularly aware of His graciousness this recent weekend--time spent in worship and studying His Word with a 1,000 or so other saints in attendance at a conference to study the Scriptures. A foretaste of what it will be to praise Him in heaven, continually, and to ever be coming to know Him and love Him more acutely.

What a blessing, though, to have been granted opportunity to spend something of 72 hours in devout pursuit of Him in conversation, study, and praise--concerted, collective pursuit, with each and all truly directing each and all to Him, continual. Oh, how great a blessing.

If only we all were always apt to turn one another's eyes to Christ, no matter the circumstance--that all our conversations would strive, concertedly, to glorify Him by turning all thoughts and experiences out only in context of the truth of His sovereign majesty and unfathomable mercies. He is merciful--God is.

Our continued existence attests quite clearly to that fact, for those with eyes to see and a heart to know.

The long and short of the entire weekend is that His Word is living and active. Given to us by a God who has spoken. Who speaks. And who will speak. Via His Scriptures. All of which is utterly enough for our every need. And if we doubt that or feel inclined to be opposed to the sufficiency of Scripture, we need pray that He will help us to rest in knowing that He has spoken, and it is enough.

His self-revelation to us through the prophets and in Christ is so much more than we could ever exhaust, over a lifetime's pursuit of understanding. "New" revelation is a strange thing, then.

Which...isn't to say that He doesn't guide, individually. But...according to His Word. Not ever in contradiction to it.

And the point which is most difficult, of that, is to realize that there are some matters which require a significant amount of prayer and study to comprehend--and some matters which seemingly truly are beyond human grasp. These seem to be the matters which end up being the most divisive amongst brethren, as there are proof-texts which each side of any given such divide can cite to establish and maintain their stance. But proof-texts fall short of determining definitive understanding of His ways, when they fall short of consistently accounting for the entire revealed counsel of God.

Where there are seeming contradictions, as one of the teachers I've learned from has noted, this indicates deeper theology. Something much more intricate than can be grasped by a superficial assessment of apparent statements, but which requires ongoing pursuit of understanding the Lord's nature as revealed contextually and comprehensively regarding such seeming contradictions.

Like as not, his nature's complexity isn't something which can be easily grasped, given He is simultaneously one and three. Three in one. In a way which I am still humbled to even attempt to grasp, for fear of misrepresenting Him--though I know God the Son walked amongst us, in submission to God the Father, and empowered by God the Holy Spirit. All one sovereign Being, though three Persons. That...is beyond me to entirely grasp, though I see it as apparent in what has been revealed and sovereignly ordained as codified Holy Scriptures.

These things are mysterious. Though, recently, I'd heard the ancient connotation to that word--mystery--isn't present in modern interpretation. Mystery had some implication of a thing which was once hidden but which is increasingly revealed, unto increasing depths of knowing and understanding.  Not something which is ever and always wholly unknown. Not wholly unknowable, just requiring diligent pursuit of understanding in order to grasp.

He's said that those who seek (and continue to seek) will find.

The end of this weekend was very graciously concluded with dire warnings not to take lightly the Word of God nor to presume that we are (any of us) exempt from the warnings clearly given through the New Testament epistles. Rather, we should take all the warnings to heart. Primarily, those which Jesus directly gave, recorded via the gospels.

Like as with John 5:39-40. Salvation in not in the Scriptures, themselves, not in anything we say or do. Not in our desires. Not in ourselves, at all. We all are sinners. Salvation is in knowing Jesus, period.
Those who know Him, personally, are the ones receiving His forgiveness and being imputed the righteousness which is necessary to escape the wrath to come. There's no other way.

We must intimately know Jesus Christ, Himself. In Spirit and truth. And the whole of Scripture speaks of Him.

Apparently, Martin Luther called the Bible as a whole the cradle of Christ--something in the nature of presenting Him to the world, from start to end, while also revealing the law (which is a schoolmaster pointing to Christ) and revealing ourselves and our wretchedness to us (which directs us entirely to the need for Christ's salvation--His redeeming sacrifice on our behalf and the subsequent imputation of His own righteousness to us). The whole of the Scriptures point to Him. That we may wholly, with all our beings love God (Jesus Christ, who died for our redemption) and love others (those for whom He also died). And live in entire submission to Him, as such.

Which is only possible as we walk by His Spirit, not by our own private understanding nor solely by the thusly directed means of our own fleshly abilities (though overt ability be God-given). Salvation is only to be known as by knowing Him, though. And we can't dredge up an understanding of these matters by mere logic, no matter how we might try.

So there's the call to repent, for the Kingdom of God truly is at hand. God has come, in the flesh. He has paid the price of our redemption: living without ever erring, satisfying the debt of punishment due us by enduring it Himself, overcoming death as thereafter to impute to us the righteousness required for us to dwell in God's presence. He triumphed over all, that we can have victory in Him. Jesus Christ is our own and only means to enter God's presence, after this life on earth. He is our salvation, our redemption. He is. Unification with Him is all which allots victory. And, as He is also the ultimate Judge and King of all...He is the one with whom we will all have to do, at the final call.

So come to know Him, now, as King and Master...as to receive deliverance from sin, death, and the wrath to come. Turn to Him now, to receive His eternal life. For He is life. In His presence is fullness of joy. Heaven is thus to be in His presence. Nothing higher. Nothing other.

His is the eternal weight of glory. Someday to enter His presence with singing, with praise, with prostration in reverence will be all which could ever be desired by those who love Him, in truth. To fall at His feet in abject and utter abandon and submission will be the sum of all desire, knowing the truth of sin's wretchedness, His mercy, and His absolutely unfathomable grace toward sinners such as we.

Someday. Someday we will all enter His presence. Best to make peace along the way.

Haphazardly Reflecting Upon the Journey Prior

Regarding this weird process of healing which includes remembering horrors, the present difference has largely arisen out of being able to survey traumatic instances without reliving them to such extent as to be wholly overwhelmed and left in a state of perturbation for days. Having peace in Christ and remembering the safety of being sheltered and kept by Him has made all the difference.

Which isn't to say I'm not still utterly panic-stricken a vast majority of the time, on a level which doesn't generally register consciously. I am. Today constituted the first day in...a very long time...wherein I became aware of that particular aspect of my personal reality without simultaneously being utterly gripped by the terror simmering just beneath the surface of all my goings-on.

Prior to Christ, I had some very and extremely unhealthy "coping mechanisms" for dealing with that terror. The most "effective" of which was whiskey. Some of the other sort dealt primarily with suppressing awareness of reality by entering into situations which were oppressive or so overwhelming or otherwise unsettling and false as to permit suspending reality for varied periods of time. Pretending. Another way of phrasing that same avenue for suppression of terror would be to remark that I sought out the most compelling distractions I could find and utterly gave myself into them. Romance was a big one, on that front--whether novels or experience. I used to sarcastically, yet honestly state it was the "ultimate distraction." For myself, at least.

So, as far as sin goes, I heaped upon heaps in attempting to flee from the pains of reality. And this, even having been confronted with God in my youth. And having been confronted with Jesus's provision to those who call on Him in sincerity. Still, I would not turn to Him.

Especially not after being rejected by those whom I considered His people.

I had been drawn into the spiritual as propagated at Benny Hinn "crusades," when I was perhaps 12--my mom chartered a bus, to go. And when those same experiences followed me back into the solemn Methodist Church of my youth, I was set on the sidewalk in the throes. And never spoken to about the matter. I felt anathema. Literal.

And, as taken in conjunction with having come to believe that repentance is an expiring offer--that somehow we only get so many chances, and after we've used them, we won't be able to repent again...and the only way to know if I'd repented was if I had stopped the sin being repented of? Well, I found myself tacitly incapable of ceasing the sin.

...so between thinking I only had a limited number of chances to repent remaining--whereas I hadn't figured out a means of ceasing sin yet so to repent rightly--and also being so stricken with the sense of being anathema due to my own experiences...

...I stopped with church. Still attended. Because that wasn't an option.
Still went to the youth group, because...it was a means of being away from home for a while, out of the grip of fear and anxiety and insufficiency for a few moments...and nearly accepted...at least, until I started practicing some of the occult matters I'd learned in midst of fellowship.

Because part of the turning away from church was a "turning to seek God on my own terms," as mentioned in the prior post.

And He's dealt with me on these matters--both regarding being unable to divorce pursuit of Him from love for His church (broken as she may oft be), and also regarding His sovereign prerogative that we must seek Him on His terms if we're to truly know Him.

I learned a lot, seeking to know of Him and of reality and of spirituality on my own terms. But the premises upon which all that learning rested were flawed, false, and thus so goes the knowledge, corrupt. Which, again, is wherein we aren't capable to rewrite reality according to our preferences--in attempting to do so, we're merely obfuscating yet never obliterating truth.

Of which, at one point the only means seemingly apt to discern was to study the all of history and philosophy, so to attain sufficient breadth of knowledge as to gauge. But the whole was deemed too vast, so I settled on religion. Having stepped apart from the One True God, I started with pantheons.

And honed down through many, over many. To the point that none seemed fruitful, despite that in light of the reality of existence a Creator is implied. Yet, how to know Him? Knowing about Him became a thing, instead, based on assessing the nature of consistency within reality's constraints--pattern upon pattern, allowing extrapolation upon extrapolation in many instance, unto loose comprehension of multi-varied facets of systemic operation. Parallels on varied fronts, from physics, to maths, to biology, to sociology. All so orderly.

But I was so focused on the trees that I still refused to want to know the forest. I wanted, instead, to know on my own terms, still.

All the while refusing to acknowledge the fears and griefs and rages and lusts that compelled me, in life. Refusing to acknowledge them, largely because there was no safe context in or from which to assess such things as not to be wholly consumed by them. As attempted suicide was an ongoing part of the process, too, in those moments when I ceased successfully suppressing the all--largely driven by a mixture of pride (ie, self-consumed, self-loathing), frustration with my own inability to do all things (unto rage-fueled, defiant self-destructiveness), and despair of my powerlessness in the grip of grief, pain, and all else.

Pride. I would not turn to Him.

And it did not help that I experienced spiritual reality independently of submission to God. That further fueled my defiance and willfulness.

But of knowing Him, now, He is helping me to deal with the reality of my own sinfulness--both of the sins against me and of my own rampant transgressions. Unto deeper submission, in light of an incrementally expanding realization of the reality of my own wretchedness, brokenness, and helplessness taken in context of the also burgeoning awareness of Christ's mercy and love, of His grace toward me. Such that I can increasingly more forthrightly speak with greater acuity of the wretchedness of what I had lived, against Him and all Creation. Same as any of us who aren't walking in conscious, glad submission to the truth of His sovereignty and our need for mercy through Christ.

There are so many things. So many things which I once gloried in, seeking self-fulfillment, happiness, and "self-actuation," as it were...which, now, are solemnly, sadly remembered. So much brokenness and sin, unto further brokenness and sin--and for all those around, too. Of which, I have been increasingly grateful to have never achieved a place of high social standing for the fact of knowing how many all the more whom I would have harmed had that been the case. Except for the rare few whom the Lord nonetheless blessed me, even then, through companionship and kindness...for whom I have and will continue to pray. And interact, if He gives.

To be able to remember without being overwhelmed with shame or fear, though? To be able to openly remark, in light of grieving the sins of my life while yet rejoicing in my Savior's mercies? To be able to no longer feel as though all life prior must never be remarked, for fear of falling prey again to those compulsions and desires?...or worse yet, to then discover them still lurking and only awaiting the next moment of consumption? To speak without any longer fearing that I must hold it all at arms' length and somehow nearly pretend my life wasn't what it has been in order to honor His salvation--fearing that there need be quietness which may imply that struggles aren't still ongoing and battles sometimes lost (while yet acknowledging that struggles have vastly changed from what once was life's norm)?

I can only increasingly attest my own wretchedness because of the grief which sin yet inspires under weight of the desire to honor my gracious God and King with my all, while ever realizing and embracing His mercies and salvation all the more. And I do not want to dwell on these things, and will not do so, either.

But there is a time for remembering Egypt. And it's cyclic. And an ongoing part of being humbled. While also an ongoing part of being healed, per coming to terms increasingly with reality of circumstances...while increasingly finding that those prior effects and circumstances have less and less a claim on present life. All in light of coming to know and cherish Christ more wholly.

So, that's where healing has arisen. And that's why it's possible to more forthrightly acknowledge these things, as the charred carnage which has been laid again and again on the altar of my devotion to Christ. Until it's consumed by His encompassing love, wholly.

And the thing is--I will forever be shaped by these matters. But these scars will increasingly converge to tell a story only of my Savior's love, as He tends the wounds more deeply. His grace has ever been sufficient, and the more clearly aware I am of how truly just He is and of how completely I deserve His wrath, the more gratefully I bow before Him in recognition and rejoicing of His merciful atonement. He paid the debt He didn't owe to give us the life we don't deserve, truly.

All these bits and pieces of the past aren't intended to congeal wholly to represent the entirety of what life was, just enough to clarify my own manners of deviance, of some the paths sought and found false. Leading to Him, ultimately.