Considering Work

Things have been so strange. Absolutely everything has changed, within the past year. Or...okay, not on the surface, perhaps--I'm still single, childless, and reasonably healthy. However--even in regard to these sorts of things--perspective has completely changed.

Becoming increasingly focused on the Lord as utmost priority, of and in all things, has changed everything, is all. Learning and understanding more about Him--now possessing a more thorough comprehension per direct experience of His nature--has completely altered the frame of reference for all things else.

Everything takes on new character, new meaning, and wholly different import, in light of increasingly understanding who He is and increasingly seeking to embody what it means to serve Him. Perhaps primarily because "self-fulfillment" as a desired end of being is now understood to require self-denial and glad submission to the will of God, where prior it was perceived as wholly self-referential and self-derived.

My idea of a meaningful life has continually shifted further and further away from wanton self-indulgence (even as evidenced by endless, self-directed academic pursuit or professional success, when excluding reverence of God) and increasingly into the desire to know and do the will of God--whatever He requires, at all times, so to draw nearer Him.

There's still a major struggle to refrain from needless fixations (minor case-in-point: my blog design has been overhauled twice within the past six months--a serious waste of time in terms of toying with nearly undetectable tweaks, such that unless restraint is now exercised, I could continue wasting endless hours mindlessly varying fonts and color combinations). There's still ongoing struggle to remain single-mindedly devoted to seeking the Lord, despite knowing that the alternative is death. This, even as spending time seeking Him--learning about Him, praying and fellowshipping, worshiping--is more comprehensively, substantially enjoyable than anything else ever prior experienced. Yet still there's a battle against constant distraction, and a continual tendency for attention to wander.

I'm still completely uncertain about what presently needs focus, in terms of research and applied efforts.

Now that something of "stability" has become a norm, a desire for concerted efforts and particular focus has arisen--this, as opposed to continuing to blindly grasp toward anything and everything which seems it might lead to another facet of understanding the Lord and being conformed to His will.



Stability, as I'm presently discussing it, exists circumstantially only in terms of the overall situation remaining relatively the same on a day-to-day basis: There's no longer constant running from one place to another, and it doesn't seem as though even additional tragedy (as might cause already troubled waters to rage any more violently) could dislodge the peace the Lord has blessedly bestowed. Because He's the one who's given and who maintains internal peace, regardless what's going on: even in the midst of horrifying situations, there's been a deeper peace that's utterly unshakeable somehow.

So as I'm now able to consistently spend hours at a time devoted to any given pursuit, it could be nice to begin establishing some sort of order to those efforts. To some end of greater progress, perhaps (progress in terms of coming to know and understand the Lord, to conform to His will). Even as to experience what it would be like to seek the Lord within the framework of an established routine, within the scope of such concerted efforts--but only as He directs routes to be pursued and to what ends.

In the midst of the emotional/spiritual battles still being waged, all this. Because periodic breakout of madness will still necessarily be endured and confronted, just given the nature of the world. But there's stability in the Lord, now--enough as seems to indicate it's possible to branch into different means of approaching Him, concertedly. Something in terms of continuing to seek Him, via a new avenue of experience--as any sort of structured effort would constitute, at this point.

It's...weird. Really strange, though.

Because present circumstances haven't changed in such a way that all the madness is now gone--as though there are no longer serious difficulties being confronted. But, somehow, within the past few days there's come a renewed resolve--even in the midst of further realizing my complete ineptitude--in such a way that a greater depth of peace has arisen. There's a deeper surrender, maybe.

Part of it has come through reassurance from people at church, even from the Lord: there's no longer any allowance for anxiety over shelter, should it come about that everything even more completely explodes on the "home front." And although I'd finally come to terms with the fact that the Lord would direct my steps and keep me, regardless what happened...there'd still been a strange sort of suspense, in regard to a persistent anticipation of total homelessness. It's taken months to surrender anxiety, on that front. Months to come to terms with the fact that the Lord will provide, regardless what happens. No matter what comes--homelessness or even death: so long as I seek Him first, He'll succour and maintain according to His faithfulness, love, and will.

To note: I've been staying with family, basically assisting as live-in caregiver for my Grandad since January. He's 91, and although he's still entirely blessed as to have his wits about him, he's lost a great deal of mobility within the past 8 months.

There's been chaos, though. Months of chaos. One event exploding immediately into the next, until recently--until January.

Things have been different, since January--the battlefield has more blatantly remained on a wholly emotional, mental, social, and spiritual level. Various attacks, yes. Verbal assaults, rare but present. Enduring rage and rejection and loathing and misunderstanding and slander, constant. Over course of all which, I've been increasingly called to remain silent, rather than participate in doubt-filled or anxiety-ridden or gossip-filled conversation. And that was quite a turning point, when enacted. Unto such rage.

None of which has been perfectly weathered--I'm still battling the fleshly desire to just give in and be done with tension for the sake of such a superficial peace as would simultaneously completely erode internal stability, per devastating the truer peace in the Lord. His peace would go, per disobedience. Per conforming to the world, I would no longer be able to abide in Him. Per turning away from Christ, for the sake of false peace, I would effectively be turning myself out into the cold, even securing a superficial sense of security in circumstances.

Which I won't do. I refuse to. Because He's given me the option of collapsing into Him every time I completely lose strength. He's given me the shelter necessary to remain stable and well in the midst of even complete turmoil--I've been surrounded and buffeted by abject hatred nearly constantly for roundabout half a year, now. I ran out of strength about 15 minutes into attempting to maintain solidarity with the will of the Lord, back in January. Or, really, maybe it was February. Either way, despite my total inability, lack of strength, and absolute uncertainty...He's held me together through it all, through at least five full months of sustained emotional (spiritual, moreover) warfare.

Consistently and increasingly He restrained me from defending myself. Defending others has been allowed, even though efforts haven't necessarily made any difference or been comprehended. Still, no defense of self. After the few initial attempts at explanation fell entirely flat, it was given to entirely allow misunderstanding--even unto total refrain from answering or addressing slander. And also allowing rage to mount and to storm, in silence. Absolutely terrified over the course of all this, at certain points, but with a peace in the Lord which had nothing to do with circumstances. Increasingly, peace, even--decreasingly fearful.

Clinging desperately to the Lord, to the peace His love passes through continual abiding--increasingly that peace has come to hold sway over everything, regardless anything going on around me. Increasingly. Such that even a change of tactics, now, as of a couple weeks ago--worse than the rage, even--has tentatively come into subjection to His peace. He has kept me. And prayer has been my only recourse. Silent prayer. Silence. Continually allowing the storm to rage around me--building in intensity, at times, to absolute rage--all while the peace He gives has grown ever more encompassing, from within.

There's been a great deal of struggle to refrain from answering in the same spirit, time to time. I've failed completely, twice--broken silence when it shouldn't have been broken. And, aside of those moment, even what minor bits have been spoken haven't always gone as I'd have preferred them to--even done in a right spirit--but,then a return to silence, regardless.

And, increasingly, peace has reigned in my heart, in my mind, in my spirit, unto a satisfaction in silence. Increasingly, deliverance from fear has been experienced in the midst of the most chaotic bits of vitriol evidenced--very loudly, all around. Peace. (Except that the Lord is sovereign, if thoughts were permitted to oft kill, I'd have been murdered so many times over, these past few months. And not merely murdered but worse..so, so much worse.)

The parenthesized bit of which is why, the past few weeks, there was expected need to completely go aside from being online. Because lack of disciplined effort in seeking the Lord often indulged, hereabouts, seemed to be leaving an opening for fear. Seeking Him, yet not seeking Him in what would seem the best or most devout ways, left me far too open to destructive bouts of distraction: lackadaisical searching for varied bits about Him, about the church, about doctrine--often becoming too tangential in focus to amount to substance--led into further and further wanderings away from His peace.

It was thought necessary to step away. But the past few days have made evident that concerted effort is what's necessary--not a complete separation from the resource, but concerted effort in regard to focus. Unto new ways of seeking Him, even.

One aspect of which that's continually come to mind regards the desire to seek to obey His will regarding employment: Marked productivity should characterize our lives. Which, while that doesn't necessarily always explicitly entail so-called gainful employment, it can. Seeking Him first, is the point. Period. Not a job for the sake of a job, but a job for the sake of another venue by which to seek to obey and glorify Him.

In regard to all this, He's reassured that He will lead. Work won't be a matter of merely doing absolutely anything, for the sake of doing something. Because it'll be to glorify Him, still--doing whatever is given to the best of my ability, as to honor Him and be a living testimony of Christ to the world (when and where and howsoever as led--still praying on that point, as I don't comprehend the idea of a "silent witness" of Christ...obviously).

So, I can only engage in activity which doesn't require compromising His will. Meaning also that 50/60/70/80-hour work weeks will no longer be a "thing," unless it's work which actively permits, requires, and encourages witnessing, evangelism, and seeking the Lord overtly. Just as whatever the job is will be something which in some capacity promotes seeking Him first--whether by way of lax scheduling (thus allowing for ample pursuit of the Lord in all times outside, plus permitting uninterrupted church attendance and whatsoever devotional activities besides), or according to the laxity of job requirement (perhaps allowing for Bible study/worship/prayer during work-hours), or according to the demands of the position (perhaps requiring I lean ever more completely upon the Lord, just so to maintain sanity and accomplish His will for self and others in the midst of challenging circumstances).

Howsoever it goes, but along those lines. Such that any job only constitutes another means of seeking Him, of honoring Him, of becoming closer to Him, of becoming more conformed to His image, rather than viewed as a means to an end in and of itself. This, not to imply employment won't be appreciated. On the contrary--as prayerfully approached, it'll be known a gift from the Lord unto another means by which to glorify Him. Thus, any job would be considered God-given, having sought Him first as part of the process of even attempting to gain a position of employment, then praying throughout all the course of acceptance, training, and working. Moreover, through structured and disciplined efforts at successful accomplishment of assigned duties (whatever the means/manner of employment or place), work will be viewed as direct service to the Lord, Himself--as seeking always to bring honor to Him, being one of His ambassadors.  So, yeah--employment will be appreciated. More than ever before. It'll be appreciated as another means by which to ardently seek and glorify the Lord, according to His will.

My thoughts lately returned to an internet-based job I let go of in the midst of all of last year's madness, is where all this is coming from. I was so scared, then, and terrified of letting it go. But there was just too much chaos. I couldn't allow anything which wasn't absolutely and totally necessary to immediate survival to remain as a potential source of anxiety--no deadlines, no minimum productivity requirements. Focus on life and death, instead, even as I still struggled against constant distraction and constant temptation to become anxious.

I've been praying about that job for the past few months, though. Since January. And more recently, I've continued praying about it, now that circumstances have made evident a need for more concerted effort at seeking the Lord. The point of complete capitulation, though, is that I'm more secure in the Lord, now, as to be capable of doing these things--doing work, having a schedule, taking on responsibility. So, I've been hoping for maybe another opportunity to go that route--the internet job. If it's the Lord's will. But, again--not just for the sake of working. But for the sake of honoring Him with my life, with my efforts. So, hoping and praying for the job as another means to glorify Him by being conformed to His will in being mindful of my time. It would be good to be able to come to a position of more fully meeting the requirements of 2 Thessalonians 3, even as the Lord has kept me disciplined in regard to the amount of time spent seeking Him. Still, eventually there'll be a need for "gainful employ."

But even if the internet-position doesn't pan out, I know He is good and will lead me wherever He would have me.

This, knowing now that if I don't seek first the Lord, I'll end up completely succumbing to depression and suicidal thoughts. Even as I also know--wholly accepted, as of the past week--that it's possible to seek Him first even via doing things which are undertaken per devotion to Him--everything done to His glory. Such striving for epitomization and fulfillment of His will in and through all undertakings then may eradicate any lingering delusion of self-sufficiency which blindly asserts any efforts could or should exist apart from the Lord's will (eradicated per course of drawing nearer to the Lord, moreover).

It's so strange to experience the difference, on this front, though.

Given the chaos continually experienced last year, unless I'd truly come to a wholly secure foundation in Christ and become firmly established in Him, I'd never have survived. Let alone thrived. So, last year, by course of seeking first the kingdom, my job went the way of absolutely everything else in life--let go of, for sake of remaining alive, as per necessity of exclusively seeking Christ.

And I've continued single-mindedly seeking the Lord, per same abject necessity, throughout the circumstantial chaos that's persisted over course of the past few months--mostly pertaining to family, though also in terms of everything regarding life.

Somehow, though, there's now an awareness of being secure in Him which wasn't part of my reality until very recently. There's come a certainty--perhaps for having attained a deeper knowledge and understanding of who He is--that an unwavering sense of security, stability, peace, and hope will always hold sway of my heart throughout any and every tragedy which would yet seek to eradicate Him from such a position of prominence in my life. This, as even inconsolably grieving, even illogically anxious, even mindlessly terrified into paralysis, He's been with me and carried me through the fire, time and time again, throughout all the past years' events.

He thus enables me to continue--His peace doesn't waver, even when I do.

Because His love doesn't fail. He never fails.

He will do as He has said He would, and I've now repeatedly experienced first-hand the truth of His faithfulness and His shepherding of those who are His--repeatedly and continually for a year, now, in the midst of various and devastating tragedies, traumas, and persecutions. So, I know now--to a degree I could never have comprehended before--that seeking Him first means all things else will be added, as necessary and as He deems proper according to His good and sovereign will.

Which is wherein there's now a desire to be busy doing something even more overtly productive with my time--to establish and secure some means of seeking Him, more concertedly and ardently (only possible per His empowerment and direction, yes).

And, again, to go such a route not as addition to or distraction from seeking Him. But as part of seeking Him first.

Because unless He remains first, foremost, and only, I would fall totally apart. Period. (Christ or death, yes. Seriously. In so many ways. )

It's just odd to have perhaps reached a point of being sufficiently secure in Him as to realize it's possible to seek Him still in the midst of doing anything: now beginning to realize that so long as He's continually sought to direct all efforts, then He remains the focus of them.

Just, I still know it's beyond me to remain sufficiently focused as to put Him first regardless of circumstances--but He's continually brought me back from wandering, time and time again over the past year, so I know He'll continue to keep me. I trust He will keep me focused, while I do whatever He would have me do as part of continuing to seek His face, His will, His kingdom, His righteousness, His glory, and His love.

Just to seek Him, is all.

Much of my reticence to jump into anything akin to "structure" thus far has been about fear, really. Now realizing He'll keep me no matter what happens banishes that fear, though--no matter how things go, my life is in His hands, regardless. Which means, also, that whatever opportunities He allows me--as means by which to glorify Him, to seek Him, to serve Him even serving others--will be endeavored with utmost desire to do everything to the best of my ability, as He so enables, in order to honor Him.

I know that, even as sometimes, still, I'm assaulted by variations of attack along these lines:
"Relying so completely, totally, and single-mindedly on 'Him' can't be good, you know--you used to rely on yourself that explicitly, and look where it got you. What if 'He' lets you down; what if you shouldn't rely single-mindedly on 'Him'--what if that's only a path to further destruction? And you know what people would think about that, don't you? You know they will think it sounds completely arbitrary and nonsensical to say 'He' keeps you together, totally."

But...as I've come to know Him more fully, I've come to realize the sheer absurdity of those thoughts:
I don't care what anyone else thinks. I know the truth, and if others don't recognize it, all I can do is pray for them. But I'm certainly not going to compromise my walk with Christ just because someone else might think certain things absurd or unwise. If and when He--and He alone--shows me a different route, I'll go that way. But until then, I'll proclaim what He's given me. Period.

Because He is. He fully does exist--in Spirit and in Truth. He's not merely an idea, as could fall apart upon dissemination or study or scrutiny.

I spent four years prior to regeneration seeking Him as though He were merely an idea--only having experienced peace in His presence and knowing a need for more, just to survive, so I sought the idea of Him, not realizing there was more. And even then--in all those years, I never wandered across anything of Christ that lacked legitimacy, in terms of His existence or of who He said He is. This all, prior to coming into a direct saving relationship with Him through the regenerative work of the Holy Spirit coming to dwell within.

I admit though--in the past few years, I've wandered across a lot of stuff which straight up attempts to destroy all appearance of legitimacy regarding both Jesus Christ's existence and claims of who He is. But they all fall apart over course of persistent study. Ad hominem attacks, at heart, usually. And false dilemmas and straw man arguments. Comprehensively apprehend the consistency of all arguments for and against, is all.

Not settling merely for considering argument by argument, nor for merely gauging bodies of logic against bodies of logic. Consider the validity of the whole--individual, specific, and entire--as to see what the consistency is, overall.

It's that He is. And that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

So, seeking Him first has been and is the only option for me, in so many ways: He said to do so, plus it's been the required course merely to survive events of the past year.

Furthermore, because He is real and ever-present (rather than merely an idea to ascribe to or look to for hope), and given that seeking Him has buoyed me through the worst of all things, this past year, I now realize He's the only possible source of security, long-term, too.

So, trust Him for all things. Because He is trustworthy.

He is faithful.

And I've been praying a lot over what to do with my time, now realizing it possible, thus perhaps necessary, to establish structure of some sort. Even as the one thing I'd remained confounded over is gainful employment. But Lord willing, perhaps the internet-based job from before will be renewed. That could be a good thing, especially given it's not presently possible to leave the house with any regularity--my time isn't my own, even as I have use of it in terms of focused efforts, at home. Just...I'm not able to leave the house except for when others' schedules permit, and those schedules vary widely.

So, unless I end up relocating, internet work is the only feasible platform for gainful employment. Which, even if the Lord were to somehow ordain relocation, internet-based employment transfers pretty easily from place to place. Otherwise, I'm down with whatever other job He'd ordain. Or just with establishing some sort of structure to my efforts in seeking Him.

No idea. Whatever and however.

I'm just...still in the midst of madness. But the Lord's broken what was a stress-induced paralysis, according to a broader realization of His sovereignty. And of His provision. And goodwill. And faithfulness.

Whatever comes next, then, just to follow Him. Knowing He'll lead me in paths of righteousness, for His name's sake--so, I won't have to compromise His principles, whatever comes. I can seek Him first, period, knowing He'll make way for doing whatever need be. Howsoever He wills I proceed, then--knowing everything thus far has required increasing humility, even against seeking to defend myself from misunderstanding, misrepresentation, and slander.

Of that last: My family has been telling folks, for however long now, that I'm be demon-possessed.

I can't be party to constantly dredging up anxieties, for the sake of "enjoying a bit of terror"--even unconsciously done. I can't abide constantly discussing the affairs of other folks, especially lacking proper reflection upon my own wretchedness and giving proper context to reverencing God's sovereignty and goodness. I struggle against sin, constantly, and have done such horrible, horrible things over course of my life--all of which gives the more reason to abstain from sin, now, as best as possible, especially by diligently seeking the Lord and lifting Him up in all conversations. There's no patience for that, though, in general. And on that count, others haven't understood what's been shared with them, and as such, they haven't been receptive to understanding my withdrawal from "open" interaction.

Meaning I can't interact, in general. Because I struggle against enough, already. So, I can't afford to constantly steep myself in anxiety for the sake of expressing anxiety--it's such slander against God and only leads to self-destruction, so if it's being expressed anywhere, I have to express it to the Lord, so that He will allay fears. Same as I can't afford to constantly toy with doubts--they blaspheme His name and nature and eventually develop a wholly self-destructive life of their own, if they're constantly bandied about without any sincere regard for who Christ truly is. Plus, I don't want to be blind--I don't want to go back to being even more blind than I yet remain.

This, knowing I am still blind to so very, very much. Perforce the wretchedness I'd once been so partial to, yet to be wholly shed along course of continued sanctification. But also, just part and parcel being a finite creature limited by space and time, yet attempting to understand infinity.

So, there's no cause nor justification for taking part in activities which the Lord has said will definitely lead to delusion--to being given over to a spirit of delusion, a reprobate mind, as for lack of love of the truth. Of which, indiscriminately and wantonly immersing oneself in the affairs of the world evidences such a lack of loving truth. This, even acknowledging that there may be many true believers who can go and do certain "worldly" things without being derailed from abiding in the love of Christ. But I can't. And I accept that limitation. Whether for now or forever--doesn't matter.

Even as certain things along that line might not make sense to some people, then as anyone refuses to acknowledge the limitations imposed by my weakness--honoring them during interaction--then I simply can't interact openly with those people. This, to refrain from being constantly deluged by worldly thoughts and images and ideals which completely unsettle--this, just to remain rooted in the love of the Lord, as to be okay.

Ultimately this comes into effect where there's a lack of ability to discern the difference between the world and the Lord, such that understanding what I try to explain in terms of my inherent weakness...just isn't at all comprehended. I have to pray all the more unceasingly so as not to be completely side-swiped by worldly banter, in those situations. So, in terms of what would otherwise be constant, daily interactions, now--I simply cannot mentally, emotionally, spiritually afford to be open, conversationally. Or otherwise receive a constant onslaught of what equates to worldly anxieties, continually heaped upon my head--without any awareness of it being an unmanageable burden, which might inspire others to filter conversation, as to be sensitive to my weakness. It sounds terrible, but it's what it is. And I'm just happy to be alive, given I'd tried so many times not to be--alive and happy, no less, in the Lord. To that, what are a few limitations on my ability to do things? All the joy I need or could want is in Christ, so what is it to me, to be unable to take part in random stuff with people? I'm happy for those who are believers who can do those things. But I'm fine with being weak, too.

So, knowing I'm too weak to be able to handle conversations filled with the cares of the world means I have to generally refrain from interaction which I know will bring me to a point of difficulty, best as possible. Prayerfully. Not indiscriminately or lightly. And sometimes the Lord leads me to lift Him up in conversation with people who are thus burdened, but...lovingly listening, despising the pain, and always lifting Christ up throughout. Not a continual, heedless onslaught, in other words. But periodic, according to His direction. So regardless who slanders me and despises me, as a result of my reticence to continue interaction, having found no compassion for my situation... Regardless who mocks me, as a result. And regardless who calls me demon possessed, even because I now know there are churches so full of rebellion that fear of God prevents return, and for much the same reason, there are people with whom I can no longer engage in conversation...

..regardless, I'll do as He allows, as He leads, as He wills. Because everything else is meaningless and would only lead to death.

And so have I been led: by a simultaneous desire to do things according to the Lord's will as kept in check according to increasing realization that I'm incapable of doing anything unless He empowers me. That's the course, and I'll stay on it. Until He shows me otherwise.

So, now that He's brought me to a point where the constantly revolving madness no longer keeps me cowering in fear of the next outburst in my general direction--now knowing He'll keep me, no matter what..

..No matter what..

I want to do things, establish more a legitimate framework for proceeding in my devotions.
Even unto employment, as He wills and allows. It'll have to be a thing eventually, so if now is good, then that could help provide basis for routine.

Regardless, though.

He has kept me, He will keep me.

He does so for His own.